In the Corner

Its getting worse the situarion at her college is getting worse every single class is planning the boycott every single class in the whole college if she doesnt go her attendance is at risk if she goes she is defying every class thats insane what 

Tw worse and worse. A girl- from susters class- she fainted today from the heat. The teachers did nothing but leave her in the library with no ac only fan. Senior students tried to help her and rushed her to the hospital. She was dehydrated and has had several fits. She is not okay. Even a delay of 15more mins in getting her help could have been disastrous. The teachers did nothing. There was no ac all day, no first aid kit, only one water cooler in the whole college, no easy access to food. One representative per class is going tmrrw to place demands to the principal, everyone else has been requested to stay home and boycott.

Things are getting worse and worse. 

Mood: suffocatingly lonely

Mom snapped at me for sitting "dramatically" 

@unassumingEyes

huh☠️is that even a thing- do- do people even say that :')🩷? I’m sorry💜I honestly just sit the way I want to- no one ever comments cos they don’t have a right to-🩷?

@iloveyouxx she said she cn tell from the way i was sitting that i was going to be "dramatic" 

(She calls my anger, sadness and my headaches "dramatic") 

Tw regret being alive 

Ok but if i just- 

Ugh nvm.

Oh. Oh thats what my brains trying to say. 

It wants me to hold my breath

Mom snapped (part2), bye lol 

Tw

What if i just didnt exist? 

Just...no eyes.

Sis wld be lonelier- shes not very good at making frnds. And maybe my close frnd wld be lonelier? Cuz we understand each other best? But what else? I know if i were to...unaoive frnds and dad wld be very sad but if i never existed- well- what? 

So my sis still doesnt know whether or not to go to college tmrrw they said to wait till 9pm (half an hour) and they wld confirm whether or not the boycott is on

That was so sad? I mean it was one sentence but wow that was sad 

Mom started this new thing. Everytime my sister is wrong and i get frustrated. Instead of telling my 18yr old sister to be kind or just u know not mean she tells me to be more patient. You cld hv been more patient you know, she says. She doesnt look at sis, who just got away with whatever she did. Just glares at me. You should have been more patient she says. I guess its the only way she can still blame me. Claim im impatient. Out of proportion. Over exaggerating. Dramatic.

Remember that line? From give a little? Be kind, be patient, be hard to please/It seems contradicting but do it honestly 

Thats literally what mom expects of me apparently

I feel so useless i cant help anyone i need to do something 

Useless

@unassumingEyes

you’ve helped me🩷but I get what you mean. you don’t always have to be that person eyes :')?💜but idk. I know it’s not enough to convince you :p my brother compares me to a houseplant. cos I don’t do anything :P unless there’s something I have to- and that’s fair. I could make a long list of things you’re beyond useful for- like things I’d only go to you for because you’re the best at helping with them :')🩷wait should I :p💖

@iloveyouxx

you’re so nice xD and u dont hv to make a list 💖 if ur a houseplant its a good thing i love houseplants 🤭🩷 i just feel like i dont make a difference. And i should be that person xD idk. It just feels so wrong to do…nothing. Whats my excuse for doing nothing? I feel like i have no excuse but being a coward. Idk xD 

@unassumingEyes

no but :p i could :pxD🩷you love houseplants XD?💜

*dramatic expression* D: D: D: eyesss🩷you make so much difference😭💕you make all the difference😭eurghwagynayggaynsn youre gonna drive me to starting that list eyes :p💜abwinohbwhguiwniugownoiguwnoigunoihg shush you do so much tho :') idk why you don’t see it. >:💗

@iloveyouxx 

Yes i love all plants plants are cool plants are good :p

ok but. 

No xD legit all i do is sit here and talk. I mean if i was soo…idk helpful id be able to help my irl frnds too, no? But i cant. I just mess it up- all i do is sit behind a phone and type some msgs- i mean them, always, but what does that change- and it doesnt really help

I just feel so- so aware of how ppl hurt. And adults was one thing but teens- kids- its like. Why is noone helping all these kids- 

smtimes i feel like running away (and it wld be sooo easy) and just idk joining an aid organization. I cant cook food- but i can distribute? Put me on a plane, send me to the poor areas with boxes of food, ill hand them out. Let me do something. Or like- theres lot of construction going around. I could- make lots of cold lemonade? And send it to all the workers? To help with the heat? But im too scared to ask mom cause- if she says no itll just- hurt-

@unassumingEyes

Nvm lol sm worker came to fix smth in our kitchen so i cnt do the lemonade thing :p nd tmrrw is off for workers i think? Ill ask on monday :p if i hv the courage :p

How bout no 

Bad mental spaces shld not be mental spaces

Me going to do dumb things: ✨️✨️✨️

I cnt even sh in the usual ways 🤪

Yesterday was an ew day 👍🏻

Why do i feel like today will be worse? 

Oh right because i woke up to yelling xD 

@unassumingEyes

thats not a fun way to start a sunday morning :')🩷

@iloveyouxx

Issok i recieved good news that fav aunt is coming over today with family :p 

😣

@unassumingEyes

😞❤️here for you

_{(yus I’m avoiding studying)}

Icnttypehowifeelbecauseidontknow

everyoneelsemattersmoretomom

Yknow all id have to do... im the one who throws the trash so i just grab a bag full of food clothes medicine and sister's phone (she can live without..) and put it in an empty trash bag and walk out the door..infront of everyone...no problem and just...

Not come back..

I wld but dad..and my close frnd...theyd worry so much- 

@unassumingEyes

_{i throw out the trash too :p🩷it’s in my appartement tho- this room for throwing trash- and there’re like 2 things you open and throw it in (so the rooms not actually messy or anything). every time there’s someone walking past I’d just hide until everyone leaves and I’ve thought about it so for atleast an hour no one would actually worry or anything. I’ve had ideas of that too🩷I’m happy you have people who’d worry about you irl💜I know it’s not a lot and sometimes doesn’t help much but I’m happy they let you know they(/d) care💕?}

_{okay yeah I actually have to go study-}

_{i love you❤️}

@iloveyouxx ily too ❤️

Why? 

@unassumingEyes

_{(In images cos eyes internet wouldn’t let it work another way :p🩷)}

@iloveyouxx 

thats so considerate of u dbdbdbdbndbd d love uu hugs if okii ❤️❤️

@unassumingEyes

_{hehe I had to think :p what would eyes internet let eyes see :p💭🩷I love you tooo hugs are oki❤️❤️<3}

Omg u guys my net i just had such a shock i logged on cups and its like i have a message from an admin...wait for it...

14 days ago

Im like what omggg xD i just died inside in surprise im like shi- 

Fortunately it said the same thing as an email i got (and saw!) And has already been dealt with xD 

Contemplative mood today :p 

big rant: tw for mention of illness hospitals guns and death (nono not like that-) along with crisis thoughts 

i might post this unfinished but lets try xD 

ok so what was probably the worst year of my life and also the “me” im proudest of iss 12yr old me. Ive mentioned slightly what all happened in year12-13 of my life :p here are some…details xD

so when i was 12, corona became a ✨thing✨ we had severe lockdown and online classes throughout grade7. Online classes were awful. The teachers acc hated us xD and it was so hard to focus they spoke in such low tones and smtimes their mic wldnt work and we’d try to tell them nd they wkd ignore us and keep teaching we never heard anything xD once my english teacher got mad at a girl for disappearing from the camera for 0.00002 seconds cause she went to grab water. Maam was like “why didnt you ask me? Who gave you permission to, to drink water? What is more important water or my lesson?” Im like 💀 water, obviously?? And permission to grab a water bottle like half meter away frm u? What xD

so online classes were awful but because of mom i cldnt just sleep through them xD i know my sis used pinterest and stuff :p but i fell into the world of fanfics (entirely by accident xD) i fell real baddd into that world tho. As irl got more stressful i spent as much time as possible escaping in fanfics- which obv meant i fell severely behind in studies. Im not proud of it :p but i did resort to cheating to survive those year exams. I was careful not to get many marks tho :p only making sure i get enough for mom to not explode :p actually i did alot by myself but i get rlly stressed in exams so when i felt a tiiiny doubt about anything i quickly checked to make sure 💀 it wasnt even necessary- i think without the cheating i wld hv gotten maybe 2-3% less than i did :p but i was paranoid- anyways-

so that was my school life-

than friendship drama- i swear friendship drama on one side and mom and sis butting in on the other side xD constantly “x isnt a good frnd, x is so bad, x said “bit**” once such a bad girl-“ while my sister’s frnd said f*** regularly and mom didnt care 💀 i ignored them to the best of my ability but i got mad real easy 

lets see :p then around like december 2020 my p. grandfather got ill and when to hospital (in another country)

rn im gonna focus on paternal grandfather. 

So he went to hospital and then at dinner time- my dad got a call from his sis- ive spoke of this before but- she said grandfather wasnt letting the doctors do anything- he’s holding his gun she said- and threatening everyone so can u talk to him? 

So as we sat down to dinner, dad stood up and started pacing as they gave the phone to grandfather. I didnt hear grandfathers end but dad…

”…no no, it’s not like that…it’s not so bad…you’re going to be okay-what? No you’re going to be okay. I know i know you’re scared, but the doctors will make sure you’re okay…they’re trying to help- i know i know- just let them help? Okay. You have your gun? Why did you bring the gun- okay i know you’re scared, okay- can you put the gun down? You’re scaring them. Let the- let the doctors help- can you put the gun down? I cant come- you know because of covid i cant get a flight- you’re okay, just put the gun down-okay, thank you”

^that was all in urdu

i had no appetite for dinner that day. 

to this day i shudder thinking of that. Imagine talking your own dad into putting the gun down and not hurting anyone/himself its just…oof 

top of that was dads job was unstable through the year so i just spent many nights wondering bout that and grandfather (grandfather made it to 2022 so that was alright just then)

and mom and i kept fighting through out the year and i kept getting like scenarios of hurting sis for sm reason and all of it was just…

tiring xD 

so honestly if i didnt hv dad or my irl frnds (even with all their fights) well- 

i dont know if id ever have made it to 14yrs old- i got real bad- i think i was genuinely depressed- :p it was just so bad i felt so empty in my chest- and all the yelling and grandfather and school and dads job- if dad didnt hv a job for 3months straight we all wld hv had to leave kwt u know and i cldnt hv handled that- i just fell in a really bad place that year and i think im worse this year around but im also like older and i think ill make it out of this tho idk when or how- i wasnt so sure back then but i really think thats the bravest ive been- i feel gen proud of that me- if i cld go back in time id tell that me- hey, you made it. You stopped cheating grade8 and got to grade9 and made such a good frnd who understands u so well- and its going to be difficult but ur very brave and im proud of u- 

me rn is an idiot :p me before 12yrs old was an idiot. But 12 yrs old me was brave :p and deserves hugs xD