In the Corner

Tw not planning. But if i were. I'd choose to h-ng. Just wanted to get that out there.

Shes mad at me

What did i even do but exist? 

(Is that so awful?)

Now i feel guilty for signing up for the CDM program. I dont need to bother others with my complete lack of brains 

There were two birds in the house mom tried to chase them out and one charged straight at me the birds are out now but im shaking i have never been brave- 

Tw She’s glaring at me. She probably accidentally gave me a scratch too but idc to check. Long as theres no bruise it doesn't matter

Tw ok so i was feeling off- tired, nauseuos, headache- so i thought try a nap yeah? 

1. That was...very troubled sleep.

2. Im still feeling the same

3. While i was...sleeping, or attempting to, some workers ruined something and moms working herself into a headache because of it

Hm. 

Tw i knew since i woke up today was an “everything going wrong” kind of day but that didnt mean i was ready for it.

Im always walking on egg shells around mom but when she has a headache? Add nails to those egg shells- 

and everything is going wrong. For one- ive come down with indigestion a g a i n. two- Something in our bathroom broke and has been leaking like crazy, and ofcourse that made moms headache worse. Also i think she had something almost like a panic attack, but its hard to feel sympathy because im currently panicking over every single move i make for fear of setting her off. Like right now my brains yelling at me for taking the tablet she’ll be mad- but before i was doing nothing and she'll be mad at you for being lazy and before i put the clothes to wash and she’ll be mad at you for doing it wrong there are a million ways to do this wrong-

And when my sis gets home shes gonna be an insensitive idiot (i love her but shes so badly insensitive its almost cruel) and ill try to warn her not to be dumb but she will be and itll all get worse

ive been awake for just 2 hours so far and im already tired

Tw now my brains yelling at me for leaving the room mom just entered but i swear its bcz mom doesnt want the fan so i moved to another room to turn on the fan she wont be mad at that right-

Tw the fact that i hvnt been yelled at yet is very anxiety inducing

Tw

Ok we had one good news so moms cheered up

Just mom, tho.

u know what?

sis, when she reaches home, is going to whine and whine and whine. And if i tell her to be quiet for two seconds im tired shes going to ask what did i do to be tired (mockingly)

What did i do? Other than be alert since morning, ignore the sharp thing right there in the kitchen, fret over the bathroom (leak, leak, leak), get sick, ignore the sharp thing, put the clothes to wash and then dry, avoid throwing up, ignore the sharp thing, what did i do all day? Nothing, obviously, what right do i have to be tired?

Someday, i wont roll my eyes at her mocking. Someday, i wont just sigh. Someday, ill say it, and she wont care. She just. Wont. Care.

@unassumingEyes how do i know she’ll whine? Because shes already doing it on the phone. Ok, i get it, she had to wait an extra half hour to be picked up, i get it. 

Tw im going crazy at this point

Tw

Im already de-d really. Just doing what i used to want to do. Do i still want it? I dont know. Do i still enjoy poetry? I dont know. Only one thing left that makes me feel alive and momll probably take that away some day too. And then what? Nothing. Nothing, nothing and nothing. 

Im in a reallyyy bad mood today so im going to log off cups rn 😶✨️✨️

You guyyys ok so i like purple and: 

Thats so pretty??? 

Changed my pfp and just suddenly felt way better?? And few ppl complimented it in gc tho its just a colour gradient and im like 

🥹

@unassumingEyes part of me still feels shy lol like how dare i change my pfp xD but i like it? 

@unassumingEyes 

it’s pretty <3

@justmeeva thank you 🥹🩷

Tw The new post. In the conquering anxiety series on here. Is called role of diet and exercising.

Diet.

Diet.

Diet.

I cant read that.

I hate food. 

Why is lying so simple? Told myself i wldnt lie unless necessary ive been up maybe 20 minutes and let a lie slip already. Just say you have a headache! Its not that hard to be honest! 

Thank god noone has ever called me honest. Id feel like trash if anyone ever thought that.

And God, i dont really know if i believe, but if Youre real, thank You for all the good people, even the quiet ones, even the weird ones, even the ones we never deserved

You worry bout me worryin bout you aint we caught in an endless loop tell me why you hate your self and lemme pretend, lemme pretend i cn sing ur rage away 

Theres a storm inside you i have known to love 

Dont need to look to see the clouds above 

I can feel your fury like lightnening sparks

Bring down ur raging floods i got a million Noahs arcs

Bring down ur raging floods

U worry bout worryin

Oh i cn see those thoughts scurryin

They call u strange and out of range

Ill die before i let em make you change

I can feel ur hurricanes inside

Let em out let em shout u got nothin to hide

I can feel ur love and sympathy behind

Oh let em out let em shout theres nothin to mind

Its so annoying how she expects full respect 24/7

U know what she says she says dont ever raise my voice at her not even a little no matter what shes doing

isnt that **** ironic 

Id go mute but shed probably go insane with rage and start hitting me. I genuinely think this is what wld happen if i went mute. 

And still still part of me feels guilty for thinking so bad of her

you idiot, you absolute **** idiot, you’re scared of her

Shes saying uve been on the phone since **** waking up like my sis was out with the phone till an hour ago so thats not even **** possible she really just  n e e d s to yell doesnt she

Idek why i bother atp

Tw 

are you deaf- sis in a fit of anger

and suddenly-

are you deaf

are you deaf

are you deaf

i wish. How **** up is that?

Tw

She “loves me”

but if she were to know:

- im not a muslim right now, not really

- i have male friends on here

- i hold my breath on hard nights, think of goodbye notes and sharp things

- i have had nightmares of her, not one, not two, but several

- i dont want to marry, even tho i love kids

- i am not homophobic, transphobic or any of that and think that even if lgbtq+ ppl are “wrong” shunning, hurting and mocking them is worse 

if she knew that. Well. You cant call it love when its so conditional, can you? 

My sis went and snitched to mom with exaggerations (twisted her hand?? I held it for 0.0005 seconds?? Im not even lying for once if it twisted that was not on purpose??)

and mom called me disrespectful along with other words in urdu and yelled at me and said i shld be ashamed.

fun? 

And u know why i held my sisters hand for a second? And what the “fight” was about? My lovely, wonderful, sister spent every minute since getting home on the tablet i needed to study on, so i took the tablet when she went to bath, left the room for a minute after she bathed and came back to see her on the tablet, on youtube. And put one hand on her shoulder, one on her hand (thats the the aforementioned “twisting”, i just held her hand??), and said i need that to study

And she said, first, i dont care and then take it before practically throwing the tablet at me, along with insults. I got annoyed and sarcastically apologized for touching her hand how could i do such a thing and she yelled at me to shut up and then asked if i was deaf before storming out

thats what happened.

i know i know we sound like 5years old but literally how is it my fault i just said i need the device to study and she got all mad at me??

@unassumingEyes no but seriously i want to hear the version of this story she told my mom because i literally dont see what i did wrong xD

@unassumingEyes ….sis just aggressively brought me milkshake. I said thank you and she stormed away 

…okay…? 

I mean…?

id feel guilty but i wasnt even mad at her lol im mad at mom for believing her over me so myt aswell enjoy the milkshake-

sis still seems mad tho. Angry milkshake? 

…

🤷🏻‍♀️

….why cnt we just talk like people?

Somebody help cups frnd in sr

(if i try ill just make things worse)

Sis- "im still mad at you" 

Me- "okay?" 

:0 

I wld apologize if i thought she really did accidentally twist her hand and genuinely thought it was because of me but she (sis) never said that to me. Not a single mention of twisting her hand to me. Only mom made that claim to me. Im not going to apologize for saying i need the tablet to study

Today i got away with not speaking much. Just answering qs. U know, cause sis is mad at me about that whole nonsense.

Wonder if i cld do that everyday? Just speak when asked and not a word more? 

Dont think bout that. Dont...think about that.

Its been like 26 hours and my sis is still mad at. Meanwhile i had like 2 breakdowns today. Got to explain my side of yesterdays…nonsense to mom tho and she said she wld talk to sis

she didnt apologize for or even acknowledge all the insults and not listening to me yesterday but its fine 

Tw

Um

How do i explain-

I had two breakdowns yesterday-

One was infront of mom and sis-

I thought id say more but um 

Nvm-

My sis yesterday watching me gasp for breathe was like "shes probably more sensitive because she has nothing to do i was like that in my summer vaca too"

(I cried harder at the word sensitive-)

And moms like well shes going to study and she enrolled in this course (dad wanted me to do it i said yes im dumb like that) and sis is like "no i mean something fun!" 

And i cried harder-

Something fun? 

That in itself is funny

I was going to do the CDM program here i even applied it looks fun but now with studies and the course i know i cant so im going to give that up

And im writing? But i wldnt call writing fun? Its like, a part of me, i do it like i eat, and breathe, and sleep- so yeah its peaceful to write but not exactly fun. Its difficult

I dont- do fun. I did fun in kuwait. I did fun with my friends. Fun is gone now. Or rather, i left fun. So if im sensitive because of a lack of "fun" i shld rlly just get used to it.

Ofcourse my mom will always make excuses for my sister. So what if my sis is wrong? I should be more patient. I should speak respectfully. I should be "decent". She tells me to tell her my side of the story, and then when its obvious i was right, she turns around and tells me i should be patient with my sis. She tells me that i know my sis is like that so i shld be more forgiving. And let sis get away with it? What is she teaching us? That sis gets a free pass for everything and im supposed to be a saint? And when i try to point this out she tells me to shut up? 

I swear, she tells me to shut up again, im not going to speak easily next time. 

Huh someone who i thought was a troll and had been starting fights made a friend. And arent causing trouble.

Huh.