In the Corner

@justmeeva

mhm…

i appreciate you for being so kind to me as always 💜 for always caring. thank you :')

but mmmm. it’s hard to believe all that tbh. i’m sorry… 

idk i’m just sorry…

i say that word too much. at the same time, ik it doesn’t mean anything coming from me, i guess…

@LoveMyMoonflowers 

it’s okay, i understand 🩷 just know i’m not mad or anything at you in any way okay? <3

@justmeeva

…mhm… 💜

@LoveMyMoonflowers you have nothing to apologize for. I get feeling like youre at fault or like you havent done enough but the thing is- you’re allowed to take breaks. Even from people you care about. Its normal, its valid, and depending on a lot of things- it can be healthy. I cant blame you for not being here, 24/7, tending to my needs. Not only is that selfish- its impossible. I know that, i accept that, and i knew that when we became friends.

Its not your fault. 

But the thing is, cups feels like…a lie. 

Always supporting you deleted forum posts

Here to listen listeners ghost you or tell you you’re wrong

Trying to help you tell you theyre “working” on the issues we raise on cups but show nothing for it

It’s tiring. To come on here hoping for that acceptance we dont see irl and watching as all my cups teen frnds one by one give up on cups. The number of cups doesnt feel right or this doesnt work for me  or its just tiring to be on here now or noone on here really cares or listens

The rejection. 

I can take it- its the norm for me, hah, but i cant take watching those i care about go through it.

go through the seemingly inevitable -now- feeling of being alone after all.

its with teens on cups. Its with teens irl.

i dont want to leave teeny side. I want teeny side to feel accepted.

but we dont.

and i dont feel enthusiasm for a mental health site that keeps dismissing teens speaking up on mental health

so i stay for @justmeeva and i stay for @iloveyouxx and i stay for you, flowers, because while i cant say im needed, i can say that you say you want me here, and i can do that. 

I can stay. 

For now. 

And i cant take a break because leaving- leaving hurts. But to leave when you’re all still here- even if i am coming back- i cant. I always say everyone who takes breaks when they need to are really brave.

Im not that brave

Its none of your faults. Listen to me, its not, and you can trust me because when i blame someone- im not so nice about it xD i have a kind of protective anger in me- an issue since it gets alot sometimes- and if you were to have, say, wronged me in something, i wouldnt have kept quiet about it, even if i wanted to.

And this is for all 3 of you, im tired of cups. Im not tired of you nor will i be.

so i stay for you 3 and then, i think, itll be due time i bid cups land farewell. 

Hugs for u 3 🤍

I go to fanfics for several reasons- including but not limited to the fact that no one, not a single soul in the world, expects me to do it and its entirely 100% my choice and thats so...

Freeing.

But one thing that just, i love about them, is how creative and gentle and soft the titles can be: 

I promise to be patient, if you promise to be kind.

We chose you.

Family in all but blood.

There are soooo many more. Theyre not, outstanding titles maybe but theyre just so gentle 

I want more of that, in my life. That...gentleness. and i want to be like that, for someone. You know? Ive had an irl frnd and few on here call me gentle but i dont- i dont know if i am. I know my sis wpd never call me gentle- kind, maybe, if shes in a good mood, but not gentle, and she lives with me like 24/7, so- i dont know

Im- ive been-

tomorrows my last exam

my last exam

Im terrified of result day. Im proud of myself for making it through this. Im surprised at how much has changed since december. Im- 

Nervous

Is that weird?

My exams are...over 

...

Now what? 

Im just.

Here.

@unassumingEyes

im glad you are. 💜

@LoveMyMoonflowers thank you 🩷 im glad we both are, we all are. Love you/p

@unassumingEyes

love you too friend <3 /p

Going to bed. Goodnight 💙

@unassumingEyes 

goodnight friend 💕

@unassumingEyes

goodnight eyes <3 

How. Does. One. "Vacation"? 

Im literally so confused.

I did nothing- nothing!- all day 

Surely I should be doing something

I need to find something to do before i start studying or smth

Even moms like "dont study! Relax!" 

H o w 

"What to do at home alone" 

Yeah that sounds sad

Plus googles like: 

Read a book (no kidding, google)

Music (in this house? More like, read the lyrics)

Have a spa day (boringg-)

Watch a movie (thats just, no?) 

Go to a theater (what part of "at home" is google not getting?) 

Hence i am sitting here, doing nothing :/ 

The one good listener i had has not responded since 2weeks. Should i be worried about them or should i consider myself "ghosted"- 

Heh. That made me feel better.

@unassumingEyes few adults make you feel…heard, you know? I know im being paranoid- but cups leader im questioning (bothering) isnt showing a hint of annoyance- im grateful, really

Me reading fics about ppl who dont know what to do when theyre free: if that isnt a sign theyre overworked idk what is

Me, not knowing what do when im free: 

Oh- 

I woke up just now and i have a headache. Not a little one, either. Already eyeing the painkiller but im going to see if breakfast helps first.

This feels like a bad one, tho

@iloveyouxx ur- hiding. And thats oki! And i really appreciate the hearts u drop off to my post- makes me smile- but- i didnt check in before because omg eyes stop being so clingy xD but then it went from few days to not-so few days and- i thought- maybe seeming clingy is better than seeming uncaring? And- yeah? So i thought- i mean- i just came here like- write smth to nadia- obv i didnt think much about what- just- how are u?/nfta and if its not ✨️amazing as you deserve to be✨️ is there smth i cn do to make it better/help/not be annoying? :p u dont hv to reply to this if ur not ready yet- or u dont hv to reply like ever- but i thought- i shld just say, i do miss u, i do remember u, i am still here, waiting for u 🩷 i just- didnt want to be a burden? So thats why im so *late* in checking in on u. Or maybe im not late and its just my brain- but it feels like. Its been years since u went hiding. And thats not ur fault- its just that i miss u 🩷

My brains being creative today!! After a long spell of being unable to write in the book ive been working on! Lets gooooooo 

@unassumingEyes 

woooo go team eyes 🎉🎉

@unassumingEyes

Tw

Theres- a really bad dust storm here. I was just writing- and we had two windows open- and bam- so much dust+wind. It was like woah- and we ran to close the windows- and the light+electricity left- do we’re in the dark- nd its really hot- and we need to iron clothes for tomorrow- sis has exam- but dont hv electricity- the doors keep creaking- theres so much wind

@unassumingEyes plus- mosquitoes love the dark- im being bit- so much- 

@unassumingEyes this itches really bad i am trying and failing to be patient

@unassumingEyes me rereading this later: unnecessary details, eyes! Unnecessary details 😅

I barely slept last night

And at like 4am i was in the "lily was a little girl" mood so thats not good :p 

Hmmm but i had a really long talk with my frnd last night so that was nice 

Tw dont bother reading im just gathering thoughts

Its like. Looking towards a (faraway) future is the  thing that helps (consciously ignoring the part where ill have to marry in an arranged marriage eventually bcz no-) so im pretty much ignoring my near future because 

new school

with kids speaking a different language that im not good at

and new teachers

and more stress 

and like no thanks? xD 

id rather think about: 

teaching

establishing a (good!) school

completing books

etc 

the arranged marriage thing is such a mood ruiner-

like it worked for mom nd dad. And it worked for uncle and aunt. So i shld hv hope?

but.

we arent allowed. To talk to the guy proposing. Without an adult/guardian near. And like its just…marrying a random guy

i dont care if the guy has a good job or a good education if i dont know him

and i want kids but the -ew- process- with a random guy i marry- nOPE-

Tw

Atp i be giving my sis little warnings when moms mad. And its not a fun job 😶 going to sis when shes having a fun time at an event or smth and whispering that moms glaring at u because if x reason so take care not to do x again. I can just see the way her face falls and she gets irritated. I get it, its an instant mood ruiner. But honestly? Better for her to listen to my whispered warnings rather than moms yelled anger.

Tw 

Not a poem, maybe. Dramatic- as always. But its not hurting anyone i guess, so- 

There are so many ways to fall apart
So many ways to break a heart
So many reasons to stop and just
Not go on at all
The light you claim is hidden beneath
I have lost in it my tender belief
Why keep getting up
When you'll just fall

I keep pushing on and on and on

Believing in right and wrong
The act is blurring into my life
How long can i keep going on
How long
Till the cracks begin to show
How long
Till theres nothing left but sorrow
And belief is dying
The world is falling
Believe me ive been trying
But this isnt my calling
How long
Till i can bid farewell
How long
Why stay when i already fell
How long
Till there's nothing left
A future full of lies, lying to myself
How long 

Tw

From a fanfic that i will name if asked, referring to SH scars, 

"This [the scars] isn’t what it looks like when someone’s trying to di.e. That’s what me up at the top of a tower balancing on one foot on the edge looks like. That’s not what this is. This is what it looks like when someone’s trying to live"

^ reason no.2 i read fics- they can be brutally honest

@unassumingEyes ive read this fic before- often- but it still has me in tears again

Sometimes, fics are a bit too brutally honest, heh

Oook this is dumb but idk if u gyys watched that kids movie- encanto- but. That movie was like oof. 

Just, oof. 

And im not even surprised about who my sis tried to defend in that. Shes defending mom irl too, so, makes sense- 

Tw

Also this is fictional

He was getting better-

(Better than days spent locked in his room, or throwing up in the bathroom. Better than the cuts that bled and bled and wouldnt stop bleeding while his own face remained impassive, a wall in the face of a flood. Better than when she'd hugged him, crying, as he whispered he didn't know how to keep going.)

Todays mothers day in america i think.

.

@unassumingEyes

…yep… :')

Atp i dont play any of the games on my sister’s tablet- not even the ones i asked her to install- for fear of ruining the games for her.

its little things like that, i think