In The Gloaming TW *just in case*

@ThePizza Awesome M - I got marshmellows :)

@intelligentWheel627 You've been in my thoughts

Thats all - no expectations - no strings - no reply needed or necessary

All my wolves begin to howl
Wake me up - the time is now

I'm a saint, and I'm a sinner
I'm a loser and a winner
Without faith and a believer
I am true and the deceiver
I'm a hero and a villain
I'm a myth and I'm a legend
Without strength and a contender
I am real and the pretender
Take me as I am or don't
'cause I don't give a damn, no
I'm a poet and a soldier
I am young and growing older
Without hope, but I'm a dreamer
I'm the cure, and I'm the fever
I am lost with a direction
I am failure and perfection
Without grace, but I am tired
Of walking life like it's a wire
Take me as I am, or don't
'Cause I don't give a damn, no

Jacob Lee - Knowledge

Sit close
Let me tell you every truth I know
I could read you poetry and prose
We could contemplate the syllables
If you so wished for it

If so
Let your consciousness dissolve like snow
Watch the branches replicate your bones
Place the precious palms among your own
Be the water and the boat, and sew our story

Every thought that lies inside of me
Atop the shelves, amidst my library
So when you're older you may visit me
When I'm at peace

Patiently, I reach up above
I can see the ocean as I stare at the stars
I will place my knowledge in your hands
It's okay if you don't understand just yet

Speak slow
Let me ask before I take a note
May I read a couple words you wrote?
Every page you touch, the letters glow
From the ashes still we grow

And I'll boast
I can comprehend the words you spoke
You're the writer and the quote, and so I hope

Every thought that lies inside of me
Someday finds its way from soul to speech
So I may bestow our legacy
Like you to me

Patiently, I reach up above
I can read the ocean as I write with the stars
I will place your knowledge in my hands
Flick a page until I understand, I do, oh

Like trying to speak while remaining in silence
Or facing your fears without feeling frightened
I'll never know if I'll get to try it
I'll do my best to stay [?]

Patiently, I reach up above
I can see the ocean as I stare at the stars
I will place my knowledge in your hands
Flick a page until I understand, I do, oh

Patiently, I reach up above
I can read the ocean as I write with the stars
I will place your knowledge in my hands
Flick a page until understand, I do, oh

You ever have those moments where you can feel the anxiety or depression slide it's greasy fingers along your spine? It slowly tip toes up along your skin to settle and linger and lurk at the base of your neck waiting to pounce. It is a patient beast isn't it? Softly purring in your ear.

Lurk isn't that an awesome word?

@intelligentWheel627

When I tagged you earlier - tbch - I didn't read your post yet. I had just gotten back from Doc Z and was playing catch up with notices. You had been running through my mind for days before today. The people here - they don't just come to mind when they post something. They are in my thoughts every day. Even people I talked to months ago and haven't talked to since. Idk - maybe that sounds stupid.

Your post didn't upset me. If anything it made me sad. I consider alot of the people I talk to here friends. Because in real life I don't have any others. I know that here we're only seen by our screen names and our little avatars. But we're sharing parts of our very real lives. We're here for support - acceptance - understanding and yeah - friendship. Idk - maybe it is unhealthy. But I'm gonna go with Doc Z on this. It's socializing - I need this because I'm not ready to go and meet people face to face. People in real life scare the crap out of me yet.

Regardless of what you say or even if you were to go on break - you would still be in my thoughts. M would - Wiser- Lime - V - Dawn - Jenny - even people that we've had harsh words with.

So - I wrote you a book - sorry about that. I could go on lol. Just - Idk - I hope I haven't upset you or made you angry. Dang this is really long - Idk - people care about you Rinny *hope I spelled that right* people will care whether you want them to or not

@mytwistedsoul Saw my name and decided to reply! I keep all the people I talk to here in my thoughts - often even the ones that have went away and so I just hope they are well or found help somewhere better.

@Dawn04 You can't help but have people touch your life in some way. Even if it was someone you spoke to only once or twice

@mytwistedsoul Well it may make me dumb, but I care about all of the people I talk to. I wish everyone - including you, J, even when you're hard on your self - happiness and being well.

@mytwistedsoul

I'm not upset or angry. I'm embarrassed for over reacting. I'm not ready to come out of hiding yet. I just want to let you know that I'm still around, although mostly invisible. I hope you don't hate me. I'm sorry for making you sad with my incredibly stupid words. I take them all back.

@intelligentWheel627 Hey How are you? It's nice to see you. Don't apologize for your words. It's how you felt. I feel the same sometimes. No worries ok?

Kind of a rough night. Weepy for hours - ugh - stupid little memories come leaking in. Acidic and corrosive. She could be so - cruel

So 200 years into the future and we still don't have our feeds. My ghost is now b*tching about it

@mytwistedsoul What's almost funny to me is our profiles now look weird without them. There's the obvious gap where something used to be. One would have thought when they were removing feeds, they would have had the sense to also change the layout of things on the profile pages....but nope, now it looks like a elementary school student's attempt at web design......

It really sucks when you're having a decent day and then for some stupid reason you decide to think and there goes the decent day

Thanks alot brain - you're off the Christmas card list

@mytwistedsoul

Thinking seems to cause a lot of problems doesn

@ThePizza Its totally over-rated that's for sure. I think it just goes looking for trouble. Rooting through the files looking for crap to dig up just to rain on your parade. Having a gpod time? asks Brain. Why yes I was! Brain proceeds to flip you off and skips merrily away - la dee da. Where's that Acme anvil when you need it?

@mytwistedsoul

I haven't found their ordering address yet-- when I do I'll let you know

@ThePizza Wikipedia says they're based in Fairfield NJ - lol

On my mind -

Kind of anxious - kind of depressed - kind of thinking shut up J - lol - restless

I don't understand the purpose of people taking their accounts here on break but returning under another name. Especially after the one name writes something that's sort of concerning - Allthough I could be wrong. I'm having a hard time trusting those instincts

Time is weird today. Speeding along without much to show other then the hands on the clock have moved

Words look funny today

Kind of feel like I did something wrong - just haven't figured out what yet

Spent most of yesterday outside - it was a beautiful day - sunshine and warmer temps - come on spring!

Finally got the faucet fixed right. *I think* Supposed to be frost free - but it froze lol

Spent alittle time working on some different steps to the fire pit. The others were wood and are starting to rot. So we're working on stone ones. But I think we maybe should get some concrete

Supposed to be another beautiful day today - then the rain moves in tomorrow - still kind of warm but rainy. Then the cold moves in and the wind - again

Idk - another block of time lost - coffee's cold again

Head's alittle screwy - theres no focus and things look funny. Allmost feels like my eyes should be spinning around.

Idk - sometimes - wonder if maybe I'm having a stroke lol - that's not funny

Idk - I don't think these are my eyes - can't explain that thought

Would fish like hats?

There's alot I can't explain

Alot of typing and deleting

Some thoughts make me nervous

It's all fun and games until the Queen shows up

Random - I'm lost - you'll never find me

Just a pawn in a kings disguise

Come on in and take off your skin

Eh - f**k it - ya know? It is what it is. It's all - Idk - something - I just can't remember what

Sometimes your heart feels like it shakes your whole body with the force of its beats

Headache

Just realized how exhausted I feel - I don't think there's enough coffee in the world for this feeling of exhaustion

Words seem to be in short supply - sort of. Maybe I'm just not handling them right
I have tbh - the Queen has been driving me nuts - just the constant - BS

The Score - Fight The Fear

Knock me down, all the demons creepin' in, oh
Another round tradin' shots with my ego
Runnin', can't help me now
Your chains only drag me down

I've battled hard with the face in the mirror
Every scar makes me dig down deeper
Push it till there's nothin' more
'Cause I'm stronger than I was before

Feel the pulse in my veins like a fighter
I'm the rush like the heat from the fire
Nothing can stop me now
I'll scream it till my lungs give out, oh

It's time to stand up, stand up
Show me what you're made of
Hands up, hands up

Fight the fear

tw - lyrics

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cIEc_11Aydc

F**k your method to my sadness, I will bury you

Dig

When is an urge that's not an urge - still an urge? Did you ever want to do something but you don't really feel like you want to do something? Influence? Idk it's not like the usual. This is - demanding. But I dont feel - distressed? Just a sense of urgency - hurry hurry - type - hurry. Pictures in my head - cutting - - tje voice not the same - I wanna see aome blood - male - spit flies from his mouth when he yells it

Quiet - now watching maybe

sorry

mmm dissconecting

Aggressive - bordering on hostile - frustrated
Finding the right words seems to be an issue

Probably not too safe for others - trying to tamp it down
Trying to be gentle - but in all honesty - I don't want to

Maybe they're right - we are violent

Feel the pull to be silent - secretive - and you know what?

It pisses me off

Not to sound like an a**hole - but I think in someways they put way too many expectations on listeners here. Especially considering these are just volunteers doing this on their free time

Tunes - yeah?

Missio - The Darker the Weather https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G2IIppdumOE
Silent Hearts - Stranger https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTC4iwRNYNw
Shinesdown - Monsters https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J6sIK2KnhH8
Silent Theory - Lost Forever https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rX59OO4CFzc

@mytwistedsoul Wage War - Me against myself https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Smjad5Jyv8

Ya know - I think as a person I suck. But I bet I would have made a good banana slug

Once again they are behind the times

Too little too late

Where were they when the BS started?

And another thing - lol now I'm like winter

Seriously though - I think I may have fell off the wagon. I could've been pushed too I probably jumped though tbh. It ok though I've been really pretty good though lately - yeah? Yeah - no worries

And none of it really matters. None of us. - just numbers. - slots filled. A box checked. Idk if you take a step back you can see it more clearly. I think she was right there is alot of not so sincere sincerity. Alot is overlooked - intentional? Possibly - ignore - probably. Thats ok - I needed a fresh reminder of my place in the world. Awesome

Damn I need to stay off here

@mytwistedsoul

Not sure it is ok for me to write here. First time.

I just wanted to say that I think you are very much right.

@admaiorasemper Hey How are you?

Welcome and you are definitely allowed to write here

On my mind -

Was alittle depressed earlier - now it's alittle worse

Emotional and Idk why - well I do some of it but - man I hate crying

IDk - under it - is alittle nervous feeling

Sort of feel - adrift comes to mind - alone

There's things I understand but I still have thoughts that make me feel selfish and childish in someways
it's hard to set down that sense of security

I get angry alot of times because - well in all honesty - I will never have what alot of people have - for the most part I can accept it. I don't have all that bad of a life. I mean I know it could be alot worse. But there are times when I still feel angry

Made the poor dogs wait long enough - especially since I'm just staring at the screen - thinking of all the things I want to say but won't

I just realized - I need to pay better attention and I should have known better. I don't allways read where the thread came from - just the title of it. And I assumed - Ya know? Well we all know what that means.
And while it still sort of applies - I should have know it wasn't what I thought it was - because techinally it goes back to the not caring and just being a number. If no one did anything about it or reminded any one of anything months ago - why would they now? Nope - my bad - it was about the virus

@Flornhope Hey How are you? Welcome back into the loop - it's nice to see you here

Thank you for stopping in - I'm glad it gives you some encouragement. Thank you so much for sharing the song - awesome lyrics and music. I'm glad you liked the ones I put up

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts