In The Gloaming TW *just in case*

I had someone ask me yesterday if I'm trying to pour from an empty cup. I - of course - joked and said cup - what cup? My cup is so dry it make the sahara look like a water park

Last night was chaotic - I think I kind of like that word though. Just picture a tornado - that was me - too much - everything. Energy - emotions - thoughts and I came here a few times to write - got halfway through writing something and closed it out. Alittle later on - the same thing. Had a couple people on my mind - people I wanted to talk to about things going on with them but didn't want my chaos invading. While I think my intentions were good - the words were not. And I'm actually really glad I didn't end up writing anything. Took a pause - took a walk - threw some balls up into the ceiling fans. Played some video games and had some conversations with Logan and K and some with P.

I still feel really chaotic but it's more of a controlled chaos. I'm aware of it - aware that it wouldn't take much for it to become uncontrolable

I have to be honest too about the urges - they have been an issue. Some nudges - some demanding - impulsive to do - something. But it doesn't allways involve - sharps or anything - more like - Idk - I want to say intrusive thoughts but it's more like an intrusive feeling. Influence. Maybe a mix . Like hey - see that window? I think you should put your hand through it

Nightmares - nightmares - wow. Last night was a bad night for nightmares

It's actually kind of nice outside today - which is funny because tomorrow they're saying winter could make an appearance again - lol. In the form of a wintry mix - yay! Not

Cevilian - Take Shelter https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=36PMz_n7ovI

Descape - I don't know Anymore https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-IIBXG2ikvw

Random thoughts -

He'll never leave - you know he won't

Mean eyes

Seem to spend alot of time crying - again. It seems to come out of no where sometimes. Theres been alot of repeating of old messages. Idk - maybe that's one of the reason why there is so many. It wasn't allowed. It made it worse. Made her enjoy it more. She would give you a reason. She was true to her word

I'm still dping the whole type delete thing. Even on the easy threads - how are you feeling - type - delete - nvm. - close and leave. It's often not that I dont want to - well- some of it anyway. In some ways it's allmost as if someone has a hand over my mouth. There is alot of shame and alot of anger. There's times when it feels as though it's a creature all its own and it feels as though it's going to eat me alive. Some days I wonder if alittle steak sauce would make me alittle tastier

Whats on your mind J?

Quiet - been quiet - there's cobwebs growing in here. I shut it down - too much - too often and we shut it down. Steel vault - timed locks. You can hear them ticking away - counting the seconds until it opens again
I think - maybe - it was that last nightmare - things - I just don't want

With the numbness comes stupid thoughts - on what to do to feel something - ya know? Thoughts toyed with

I've been trying to fill my cup - but I swear the damn thing has a hole in it

I feel rough around the edges - sharp points - prickly. Constantly mindful of my words - careful careful - tread lightly in the lives of others

I have tbh - there's times when I think this is all in my head *pun - yeah?* When it gets quiet - maybe this is all just some delusion - I mean I'm still nuts - just a different nuts. Seems kind of insulting. But then someone says something - lately it's been A - slightly germaphobic - worried about this d*mn virus - the start of the zombie apocalypse - this is how it started in Resident Evil lol

Been spending time in the shop - working on this lol

Tunes -

Lakeshore - Mountain View https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dEWCzxZGuxY

Memorist - Frustration https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HBHlJKDK9F8

Lost In Silence - Break Me Down https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOJHs-RiQMQ

Idk - maybe I'll find words again - well - ok - so who am I kidding - I know I will
Sharing them is the hard part

Sometimes I do stupid things to set off my anxiety - like open my mouth lol. Why do things allways sound better until you open your mouth?

Did you ever think you have things under control and then you lose your sh*t and have a panic attack and a small nuclear melt down over paper towels - of all things.

Enough enough - when is it enough?

Anxiety is - woo hoo crazy wild today. Thought it was dropping but - I think it may be worse - YAY ME!

Head wants to be super busy - words are a problems - thughts are - Idk - picture a bunch of gears - spinning madly - now put a wrench in there - slows it for a minute until the mental snaps and then they go crazy for awhile again

The whole time I'm writing this I'm hearing quiet - be quiet. Ssshhhh -

And the time - it moves without me - ya know? Hours lost and - I can't get them back but does it matter? Idk -

Sometimes it feel like life had decided to pick you to bully - you have good days and you're idk - skeptical but sort of hopeful because - well - good day - yeah? Then here come's life - bom boom - ta da! What are you doing tiny mortal? *flick* And you're knocked on your ass. Sitting there wondering wtf just happened. You sit there for awhile - licking your wounds - poking bruises - thinking you should just stay down because then maybe it won't knock you on your ass again. The sad thing is - speaking of asses - yours has just started to fall asleep because of - well the ground is hard and you were just knock rather unceramoniously onto your ass - so what do you do? You can't sit there forever can you? Your ass says you're going to have to do something - probably pretty soon - Lol - I want to say just lay back - idk -ugh

Random thoughts -

She's a vulture picking our remains

Save your hymns for the dead

If this is all a dream - when TF did I fall asleep?

Crimson Calligraphy

I heard the froggies - J :) They better get their coats ready - they want it cold this weekend again

Hmm- getting spacy now

Alittle stressed - ok maybe alittle more then alittle. Wasn't too bad until we hit the store - wasn't expecting so many people. Definitely not a usual Friday morning. It's normally pretty quiet around here but it seems this virus has even the sleepy hill people alittle riled. Tbh - it was amazing to see the shelves so bare. Stopped at the closest Lowes and got two blueberry bushes. The garden area was nice and peaceful. Seems noone is thinking about planting things - they're too worried whether they have enough tp. Some deep breathing and then checkout - then home. Yay - felt like we were gone for days. Even the dogs seemed to think so.

Kind of doesn't help that today is Friday the Thirteenth - booga booga.

Trying to find away to deal - handle - cope - make peace - whatever you want to call it - with the Red Queen. Her unwillingness to talk to Doc Z and the things she's been saying to some of us has him alittle on edge. We have tried begging - pleading - and even bribery. Nothing

It's really hard when there are things you want to talk about but can't find the words for. I think sometimes - Idk - we're afraid to say what we're thinking outloud. Maybe because they sound so harsh to our own ears. Maybe we're afraid to speak them because to say them outloud - gives them life - makes them true. But to not speak them - Idk - they're like a sickness I guess. They poison us from the inside. Make us feel - like we're bad people. But - Idk - I don't think bad people feel that they're bad people. So how do you get or give permission to yourself to speak? It's your story to tell - yeah? Who better to tell your story - then you? But damn - those words - elusive

Type - delete - Lol what was I saying about those words? *sigh and a huff* Don't leave in a huff - leave in a minute and a huff

Ya know what? Rats in hats - lol

Check it - lol - there's a J on there! :D

Let's look at this realistically - reality is no fun

I never said it was fun - well you suck too

there was a worm called castle smasher in the Kingdom of Faraway but he never smashed any castles because he was a excavator by day. He helped make condos for carrots and plazas for peas

What do you see from where you are? What is your perspective? What are your thoughts? I know you have them. I see you silently chew your words. Your tongue can be a traitorous thing. It betrays you by speaking the truth. It wants to speak what's in your soul but Brain with all its trip wires and snares, it's landmines and traps will stop at all most nothing. The terminator of brains. Unstoppable, unreasonable. Reprogram me to hush my brain.

Brain does have an idea of what's right though. It recognizes the truth. But the facts don't measure up. So Brain chugs along getting more and more bogged down until.....

We blow a fuse (pop)

Get a flashlight :)

in the end we say nothing