"I might be Ok, but I'm not fine at all" My little blog (This will contain triggers)

I’m getting quite upset over on my end, a lot has happened tonight/this morning I’m getting scared tbh. I have made myself into this ugly thing with scars all over and broken so bad that I am having trouble stopping myself from harm lately. I don’t want to do it anymore and I am scared that I will break my 2 day streak. I went 6 days but then got some bad bad news on Sunday and broke the streak. I want to be better I really really do and I am trying hard but I just not seeing much improvement.

@NoneTheWiser

Thank you so much. You are very very wise and ur words hit deep. I don't know what else to say then thank you.

5 things I can see: bed, nurse, door handle, ceiling, floor

4 things I can feel: cold floor, hair (idk what else, i'm disconnecting from myself) i'm just super cold rn and shaky

3 things I can hear: bird, nurse trying to talk to me but it sounds distant almost not even there, keyboard when i press the keys.

2 things I can smell: disinfectant, cherry blossom soap

1 thing I can taste or remember tasting: this isnt from recently but Chocolate, i loveeeee chocolate and how it melts on my tongue and feels warm.

I will try some breathing https://i.imgur.com/bg6J9md.gif https://www.emergencykitten.com/

@NoneTheWiser

your very welcome

*sitting with you* <3

@Sunisshiningandsoareyou

@Swiftygirl13

sorry late reply btw

@Swiftygirl13 haha love the gif and *noms sorry* :P your time is good time <3 no rush <3

How was today?

@Sunisshiningandsoareyou

today was EH, mum visited me and things went ok with that but I has been bottling things up a lot soooo. The nurse left room for a while today and I took that as opportunity to lock myself in bathroom

@Swiftygirl13

Darn the notifications being messy :/

Aw I'm glad mum visited and it went okay for you. Bottling things inside can be so draining, would swifty like to share them with someone, or perhaps a journal (if not wanting to talk to any one about it just yet)? <3

It's okie to take it one thing at a time, we have to keep breathing through the current moment, not thinking much about the others, and before we even know it, we are already in a better, calmer, safer moment. We can do this okie? *creates a safe blankie fort for you* <3

@Sunisshiningandsoareyou

huggles. I has just been stressed about a lot of things but mainly my weight. I am wayyyyyyy to underweight and it is scary tbh. I am so weak and get dizzy standing up. Thats all i want to say rn tho. I am triggered 😢

@Swiftygirl13

*huggles* <3

Aw look at you being so strong and sharing more of it here <3 so proud of you.

Having lots of things to stress about can be quite overwhelming, I get how hard it must be to cope with everything together. :/ When we see things as whole, it is bound to feel crushingly hard to even think where to begin working through them, but again, we can always take it one at a time and do our best from there. <3 so commendable you're already able to acknowledge the most prominently stressful thing here. *gentle head pats*

Struggles with health are the worst, I get how scary it may be struggling with weight and feeling weaker physically :/ have we tried something to work on it? <3 While it isn't easy or even comfortable to start with, small steps do count, and we jusy have to try and keep trying. <3

*sitting with you inside the blankie fort* <3 let's keep breathing through this moment, mhm? It'll pass and we'll be okiee soon..You're not alone <3

@Sunisshiningandsoareyou

also i have a tip for notifications. Go back to the home page every now and then and it refreshes and u get all new notifications.

@Swiftygirl13 I'll try lol, thankyouu! <3

I love Phoebe! XD do you like the show? :o

@Sunisshiningandsoareyou

anddddd

@Swiftygirl13 awww yay we cozy and comfy and super duper safe <3<3

@Enchanted2024

Warm blankie.

@Sunisshiningandsoareyou

yesssss i love the showwwww

@Swiftygirl13

Me tooo yay *high five* friends is such a comfy watch! 🥰

And lololol this was hilarious! 🤣😂🤣

@Sunisshiningandsoareyou

Tbh rn i am struggling to hold on :,) i can feel myself slipping

@Swiftygirl13 Aw I understand how slippery it can feel at times :( it's good we are being aware of it first. Keep holding just a bit more tighter okie? We got this. <3 Here with you. <3

@Sunisshiningandsoareyou

huggles. There is this loud voice telling me i’m not good enough and never will be and its really upset me now. Ik its just myself talking but it overpowers all other things.

@Swiftygirl13

okie wow I really am so proud of you for being able to tell if a certain voice has any backing or it's just our brain being meanie to us. The loud voice is really scary and annoying to have, mhm? It's okay to acknowledge the voice there, we don't have to believe it or agree with it any way. <3 Just that sometimes the more we suppress something, or ignore, the harder it becomes for us to deal with it.

Once we've acknowledged the voice, we can take deep breaths and repeat to ourselves, that it isn't true, "good enough" will always be relative, a banana can never be good enough for someone who only has loved mangos, can it? To each their own always. <3

Good enough is relative, with everyone's perception of "being good" different <3 since I'm here, I can speak for myself, for you, not too long ago I saw your reply to some forum thread here being supportive and appreciative of someone when you could've just moved past that post too, you chose to reply and you chose to reply in a compassionate and loving manner, that *is* good enough for me. <3

A little scrolling in this thread, and you mention feeling horrible about not being able to be there with your friend when they were struggling (which is again really valid, considering youve not been doing well either, and sometimes it is just hard to reach out to others when we're struggling ourselves, absolutely not something in your control here <3), which just shows how caring, thoughtful, concerned and empathetic person and friend you are, again, that *is* good enough for me. Now these are only instances I can recollect from less than an hour, if we go back, we'll have so much more, that will all be *good enough* for anyone at all. <3

The voice conveniently looks past all the other things, the good things, the (not so) random acts of kindness, the every day achievements (getting out of bed will always be the #1 achievement, no questions asked), the little things we do for others selflessly to make them feel like a someone (the little things aren't "little" anymore now, are they?), all the efforts we put in for ourselves and others despite all the hardships and so much more. But that's okay, we remember them, mhm? We can always try to remember them more often and speak even louder to that voice, to tell how wrong and baseless it is and how we are so much more than just "good enough". Why stop at being good enough when we can be awesome too, right hehe! <3

Swifty can be and is already super duper awesome, in the many ways she tries her absolute best to spread kindness around, to keep holding on despite the struggles, to take out time to send supportive messages to others, to keep trying and inspire others to do the same also, perhaps the bestest thing ever? To share hope and cultivate compassion, in a world that really really needs it and more. <3 (besides ofcourse Taylor's songs, the world needs more of that too always :p)

Would it help to affirm the same to yourself? With belief, our subconscious keeps storing things we tell our brain, might as well try saying something nice and kind. We deserve it. <3

Swifty deserves all the kindness, love, compassion and support she gives to others also. Let you be the driving force for it yourself. One nice thought at a time. <3 *huggles*

(This went long hehe, oops🙈)

@Sunisshiningandsoareyou

i enjoyed reading ur essay lmao, remember the first time we properly met was on the kindness thing i did? Ur fav line out of whole interveiw was kindness is something that comes naturally. (I shall finish replying later really went down hill fast but as buster moon says: “the only good thing about hitting rock bottom and thats because there is only one way to go and thats up!”

https://www.7cups.com/forum/DepressionSupport_52/InterviewSeriesDiscusswithDepression_2344/DiscusswithDepressionRandomActsofLightwithswiftygirl13_280114/

@Swiftygirl13 essay lol 🙈

Yassss, loved itttt! <3<3 awh that's a nice quote hehe, and so true, only way up. <3

Take your time to reply. <3

@Sunisshiningandsoareyou

do u have any good listeners in mind that i be able to talk to maybe? I struggle bad rn and just harmed again 😢 i hate how weak i am rn. That’s second time today

@Swiftygirl13 So upsetting to see you struggling so much :(

Super proud of you for being here and trying to reach out for support though, vv strong swifty. <3

Maybe you can browse for adult-teen listeners here: BrowseListeners? I really hope you get some good support soon.

You're in my thoughts and I'm sitting with you here, okie(?) *hugs* <3

@Sunisshiningandsoareyou

Also I just need some time to process what u said so can answer

@Swiftygirl13 no rush <3

@Sunisshiningandsoareyou

thank you, I have learnt to recognise those voices but it's just a matter of trying not to believe them. They always focus straight on the negative and goes past the positive. it is draining, very draining. I really want to be ok because I am done feeling this way. The ED is so so hard to get over and its not be easy

@Sunisshiningandsoareyou

okie. No one really gets back to me through there and I just need to talk rn

@Swiftygirl13 aw that is really sad :/ im unsure what rooms are open in the teen side but, would a group chat help? Or you can ask a listener if they are available to listen 1-1 in the group chatroom?

@Sunisshiningandsoareyou

rooms are super quiet atm and i dint want to really share everything in there. I want to seem ok in some way at least

@Sunisshiningandsoareyou

also others are sharing so i dont want to but in

@Sunisshiningandsoareyou

i has completely drained myself tbh mentally and physically but i cant sleep. My nightmares been bad lately and i dont need the extra stress

I feel so so bad rn. My bestest friend ever on cups has been struggling and i not even notice. Well i kind of did notice tonight because they said they wasnt ok but they didnt want to talk about it. The worst part is that i has been ranting about my sh*t and they just listens and tries to help me, when really they is going through a very hard time too. They just seem so happy and bubbly and kind in the rooms but then u see them in other places and it just broke me to read that they been struggling so so bad. I hate myself for not noticing.

Our first forum interaction lol https://www.7cups.com/forum/DepressionSupport_52/InterviewSeriesDiscusswithDepression_2344/DiscusswithDepressionRandomActsofLightwithswiftygirl13_280114/

🥺🥰 love this interview so much!

@Swiftygirl13

Hey Swifty. 💜

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through much. But a small reminder, you're stronger than you think. I witnessed a huge part of your journey before I crossed over to the adult side. I'm sorry that things have went down from there but I could sense they started getting better since then. I really wish you all the best and I hope you do remember me 💜

@HelpfulDiamond

Huggles yes have gone down hill and I miss our chats, you were very helpful, and I hope u are Ok and fine. I has been thinking about u a lot.

@Swiftygirl13

Huggles 💜 would you mind giving me a small update about how are you doing?

@HelpfulDiamond

Sure, I am still in hospital, very exhausted and tired this past week. I has gotten a lot weaker and I slept for almost 2 days the other day they had to keep waking me up to try to get me to eat. I went six days no harm but Sunday I broke it but I hasnt harmed since! My I been to weak to walk around by myself and they has put thing in arm for nutrients or something but they not saying much because I cant get too stressed out