"I might be Ok, but I'm not fine at all" My little blog (This will contain triggers)

@NoneTheWiser

No need be sorry, thank you

@Enchanted2024

Hugggggg.

Yayyy today is 7 days no harm now!!!!

Therapist wants to do another session with me tomorrow tho. I dont want to. But i should. I wont tell sis tho. She doesnt help much when she comes in with me. I should start talking more and opening up but i just dont trust adults. They break too many promises.

When I was 10 I went on a play date to my friends house with my older sis, they are twins. I got along well with one and my sis got along well with the other. anyway, the twins mum needed to go to the shops so she took us with her and all was going well until sis and i started to bicker. I was about to get really mad so instead I just walked off, technically ran off tbh. But it was the only thing I could do to stop myself from getting mad. By the time they found me again I had calmed down but was crying because I hate fighting with sis. My friends mum was mad with me for running off and she said when we get back to their place I am going to "spend some time" in her room so that I can learn my lesson.

To me that meant she was going to punish me the way mum does. When we got to their place, she took me to her room and pointed to the bed and told me to stay there then left the room. So I got into the position mum always made me get in I thought she must have been getting the paddle or something. (Remember I thought this was normal and ok to do and that all parents did it.) A little while later she came back and asked what I was doing and I burst into tears and said something like. "you're going to make sure I learnt my lesson you said so I got ready so you don't have to tell me to get into position."

She told me that mum gave her permission to spank me if I was naughty and she said I had defiantly deserved one for running off in the shopping centre but she wasnt going to because thats not her place to do so. It was mums. She then assured me she wasnt going to tell mum because she thought I had learnt my lesson but as soon as we got home she told mum and i got in big trouble. Mum invited her in to stay and "help me learn my lesson" sooooo she did.

Sorry that was long. I hate how I remember things like that. I cant remember what we where fighting about tho

I'm really upset over such a stupid thing that might not even happen or worry about.

I wan't to be able to have a family of my own when I am older, have my own children and treat them so much better than how mum treated me. I want to be able to love something and protect it the way I wish mum did, but I'm scared I will never be able to do "it" with anyone because I will trigger. What if I never can do it and get over the trigger. I mean, i know its really hard to stop getting triggered by things, I just want to be able to control how bad I get triggered.

Its stupid but I just really want to be there for someone that is mine and make sure they have a great life and childhood. Yes i will most likely be the annoying best friend mum XD

My mom was abusive in my younger years too. Now that I'm older and understand that she's schizophrenic, I forgive her. She was sick back then.

@SweetPea321

Oh I'm sorry to hear this. I dont think mum is. She's just over me LMAO. I mean I do have trouble remembering things and that really *** her off. Then the times I was "sneaky" when really I was just to scared to tell her that I had run out of things like my tablets or shampoo and conditioner. Idk there is very many things to be mad about. But at least she didnt even try ask how I was mentally. Its not normal for a child to suddenly go really quite and be trapped in their own world all the time. She didnt even notice LMAO. (I say LMAO a lot to idk "sweeten" it up a bit?)

Mum is very old school like her friends are.

Oh, I see. Well my mom did the best she could and like I said...I forgave her. She grew up old school when kids got beatings so she learned it from her own childhood.

@SweetPea321

So sorry to read this, sweet pea. Wow.

Also I cant get the song stick season out of my head XD such a catchy song lmao and a very random gif because I felt like it LMAO

That is one bizarre car 😄

OK sooooo rn I am terrified for later today... like super super scared. I want people to be happy, and I am like super scared. My therapist wants to discuss mondays session. 2 appointments in one week... She must be super desperate to know whats up with me.

I just want to be alone Not poof for good or anything, I just want to be left alone for a little bit more. I am NOT ready. But what if I'm never ready? What if I will never be able to have a family of my own. What if I do but mums way of raising me is embedded into me soooo what if I start treating them how mum did?

8 days free from doing bad now...

I have been writing again...

Sad poems, angry poems,

I am ok with sharing them just dont know if anyone one really wants to hear whats going on through my head.

There not really peoms, more like short stories.

Congratulations on your 8 days of no sh 👏 It takes strength and courage to change our habits. It sounds like you've been through alot and at such a young age. I hope you can find some peace in your life @Swiftygirl13

Maybe try focusing on the here and now instead of worrying about what-ifs of the future.

@SweetPea321

Yeah My mind Just wanders a lot to distract me from things anddddd It often goes to that sooo its pretty annoying, Thank you. I am so happy I havnt harmed

How are things going for you now? Good, I hope.

Idk how I have pushed through for so long. I am so exhausted mentally and physically, I am scared tbh on how long I can fake again. I need time to be myself and nurses are concerned when I am myself. I am a mess, i am chaotic, loud, crazy, and mentally unstable. It's fun being me, but dangerous. I get harmful, on edge, and stupid

Hi. I'm new here and just read this. Ur poem is haunting and beautiful and reminds me of me when I was younger. We had similar experiences, but it was my dad who was abusive and cold, and I was assaulted at age 12 - kidnapped and so on. The pain and loneliness have definitely been unbearable at times. It is both instinctive and brave to share your soul. Thank you for being open. It helps me feel connected to the world, as I've pushed everyone away.

You are worthy of love, and u did nothing wrong. U r a warrior, and I'm so glad u're here to share ur story.

Ask me what I learned from all those years
Ask me what I earned from all those tears
Ask me why so many fade when I'm still here
(I'm still here, I'm still here)

Taylor Swift: Karma Album: Midnights

Ask me what I learned from all those years: I have learnt so so much, yet so little. I have learnt it's ok not to be ok. I have learnt things will improve over time, but I have to work hard to get to that point. I still have so much to learn tho.

Ask me what I earned from all those tears: Its ok to cry those tears, I dont cry because i am weak or pathetic, but because I have been strong too long, I am not weak or pathetic. All those tears are because I am hurting and have been for a long time. It makes me human and sometimes it makes me feel good even.

Ask me why so many fade when I'm still here: some people don't have the support I have from cups, if it wasn't for cups I would have faded by now but I have you to help me.

(I'm still here, I'm still here)(I'm still here, I'm still here)(I'm still here, I'm still here)(I'm still here, I'm still here)(I'm still here, I'm still here)(I'm still here, I'm still here)(I'm still here, I'm still here)(I'm still here, I'm still here)(I'm still here, I'm still here)(I'm still here, I'm still here)(I'm still here, I'm still here)(I'm still here, I'm still here)(I'm still here, I'm still here) I AM STILL HERE, and not going anywhere

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1BB87ep9JbsDfzob0t75ryddeAWqzVqhKmKEF30pkEM4/edit?usp=sharing

I wanted to post this but it wouldnt let me idk why tho

@Swiftygirl13

@Listeningsarinn I miss u too, I have been thinking of u lately and hoping and praying u be ok. I miss ur little random pop ins to say hello and looking forwards to u getting atl again, I miss u very much and love u (friends way)

Hope u are ok and have listened to the full Midnights album by Taylor Swift (3am edition)

Aw, didn’t think that you would notice the edits to the bio super soon haha 💜

I’m okie love, no worries, and I hope so too, but it will most likely take quite a bit until I can get back my access to teenie side

love you too, and thinking of you💜

take care of you for me please *~*

and yep, I haveeee xd, first day it was released! Given I have way too many Taylor swift fans in my friends

@Listeningsarinn

GOOD Sarinn, whats ur fav? mine is Anti-hero Karma snow on the beach and bejeweled

Lavender haze ¥~¥ listened to it first and the rest couldn’t impress me more than that haha

@Listeningsarinn

omggggggg I miss u sooooo muchhh hru hope ur okie and I miss u so so much a lot has changed with me and idk what to think about it all tbh I miss talking to uuu

I want to balloon twist again, that was fun, I miss doing it. I haven’t harmed in 17-18 days. I just don’t see the point in hurting myself when already pain is bad. I have been put on a drip and have been high on pain killers lol that was funny tbh. I had an argument about pickles. They are green NOT pink and purple.

Trying is hard lately. But it’s the best I can do so I have to keep trying, I can’t give up now, I have been through so much. Surely I can get over this stupid ED. I still have nurses in room with me at all times, but that’s mainly because I am physically too weak to get out of bed and I have been passing out/fainting quite a bit lately which isn’t good.

Dr been visiting daily and I have been having heaps of scans and tests and stuff done to me.

You know that I am so damn proud of you right?? *attack hugs tight*

@Listeningsarinn

OMGGGGG Higgle attackssssssssss Thank u Sarinn, I hopes u are all well and safe

im okie love *huggles back tight*

keep trying and take care of you for me *~*

@swiftygirl13

*knock knock*

@Listeningsarinn

heyy sorry I havent been on for almost 2 weeks not been myself

Hey love💜 nothing to be sorry about

you were just on my mind and I missed you

so wanted to poke you

how is you??

@Swiftygirl13

I am so sorry... I can relate to this kind of... (A lot of detailed triggers i'm sorry, i need to let it out)

I was sexually assaulted by my uncle when I was 7 (I am now 15) around this time of year (he came up to see us for Christmas). All I remember is him giving me some sort of drink and a brownie and waking up with no clothes on and my mom covering me up with a blanket, my grandma yelling, my mom yelling, and my step-dad beating up my Uncle... I have tried to commit 3 times- choking with a belt once and cutting my wrist twice. My mom found out somehow and sent me to a mental hospital which made it worse, being separated from my friends and family. I am now a lot better but around this time of year I don't feel the same and I try to keep myself away from everyone.

I am so sorry this happened to you and i hope you get better...

Again- I am super sorry if I triggered anyone- I needed to let it out...😔

@MissysRider07

i am so sorry that happened and I am so glad you are better about it all, things dont trigger me too much lately because I am constantly triggered here. I am getting moved to a propper mental hospital within the next couple days

@Swiftygirl13

I hope the mental hospital will work for you :3 The mental hospital I went to was a small one and they weren't the best. So im glad you are going to a proper one :3

<3 *leaves comfy higgles for swifty* <3

@Sunisshiningandsoareyou

higglessssss I miss u long time no see

Hope ur alright and keep on shining

Aww so good to hear from you, @Swiftygirl13 missed you more <3 <3 how've you been? *higgles back*

@Sunisshiningandsoareyou

AAAAHHHHHHHHH U ONN of my caps wouldn’t turn off. I have been eh lol ups and downs

@Swiftygirl13 Aw hehe it's okay. xD

Darn yes, ups and downs are a part of life, I get that. <3 Here for swifty if she wanna talk/ share anything. <3 *more hugs* how was today?

@Sunisshiningandsoareyou

weight wise I’m not doing good, I gained 3 kg then lost it and more, I’m getting super depressed I feel like sh*t a lot of the time and I’m kinda scared of myself and my minds capability XD It’s being mean lately