A place for my thoughts (and yours) as I cycle through life

@CyclingThroughLife

I hear you my friend. Your not alone .

ABB

I think I need to do some de-cluttering today. I've been putting off cleaning and straightening the garage and basement, waiting for the weather to get nice so I can put out the outdoor living furniture but mother nature is not cooperating. Last fall, I just kinda thrown the outdoor stuff in both places, just to get it inside, with the intention of straightening the areas out over the winter months, but never really did any of it....right now, its still too cold and rainy to put out the patio set, but I'm gonna do it anyway hoping that getting the basement and garage in decent shape will help my frame of mind. I'm just tired of looking at it.... I hate going in there and seeing everything just thrown in and stored for the winter/cold months....what makes it worse is my garage gym is also out there so I have to look at it daily when I go work out....anyway...this is my random diary post for the day....

Its been a stressful couple days since starting my week on Sunday. Shuffling staffing and looking for coverage due to staff having covid symptoms and needing testing. I have one guy who seems like he WANTS to get it just so he doesn't have to come to come to work.....Add in the regular work things and stressors and now my mind is mush.....I usually can handle it pretty well...but for some reason, this week, things have been hard for me...there are things going on at home, but again, not things that I don't deal with on the regular so I'm not sure why this week is so hard for me......I'm definitely in one of what I call, 'my funk'.....I don't like to use the word depression....I would say its not quite a depressive state, but has all the makings of one if I don't get my shit together and pull myself up by my boot straps and get my self together.....I "cycle" through one of these "funks" every 2 or 3 months, and they usually last a few days...with the longest lasting about a week, that I can remember....this has been going on for some years, the trigger being some overly stressful times at work or home.....How do I know I'm in my funk? I don't feel like working out or riding my bike at all is the first sign....those are two things I absolutely love to do, but on the days I come home and just want to do nothing but watch tv or mindlessly scroll instagram reels, I know I'm in the beginning stages of "funk"....One thing I think about all the time....that I read on self help sites, quotes, etc, is that removing yourself from some of those situations is soooooooo helpful.....I'm here to say, sometimes, removing yourself isn't an option....and sometimes, when you do remove yourself, the grass isn't greener on the other side....I've been there and I know....I honestly believe that its better to learn to deal with, and find coping strategies for the situations and stressors that you know, than to learn how to deal with new stressors....because when you walk away....it may be nice for a time, but there will always be something else there in its place and personally, I'd rather not find out that its worse than what I am going through now....Just my thoughts and opinions.....

Been a long couple days since I've written here....I've not been feeling myself physically the last 4 or 5 days but I've been trudging along, because, well, its what I do...Headaches and body soreness mostly, but this morning I had a terrible sore throat, stuffed up nose and sinus pressure....I'm sure its only allergies because I get terrible sinus things this time of year every year, but with "the new normal", one can never be sure....soooo......I finally broke down and called sick to work today and went to get COVID tested....waiting on the results....I'd like to get here and write more but its hard for me to get the alone time to sit at the computer and put my thoughts and feelings down....I refuse to do it on my phone.....I don't have the patience to swipe and type on those tiny letters on that tiny screen.....anyway...I'm going to take a nap.....whatever is ailing me is kicking my ass at the moment....

Been a while since coming here. Its actually been a while since coming to the 7cups community altogether. I think that is because I'm "doing good". I seem to only visit and do these things when I'm not in such a good space. I guess that is a good thing. I figured I'd check in and scroll the site, read some of the forums and just leave a note here that I am doing well at the present time. Hopefully things will stay this way for a bit......If you are reading this, have a wonderful weekend.

Its been a good while since I've been on 7 cups. I went through a very tough stint with work burnout and depression last year after Thanksgiving that lasted through the holidays. I did reach out and paid for a couple of therapy sessions through one of the more popular "online" help sites. I did 3 video sessions, which I wasn't really into. I would have much rather done an in person session with a local professional in office, but the nearest therapist that would see me in office, that took my insurance was a 40 min drive. After figuring 40 min drive there, 40 min drive home, 45 min to an hour in the office, I"m looking at a good portion of my after work hours trying to get help for myself and decided that created more stress on myself because I value my time out of work to do and get other things done. So I reached out online....and I wasn't happy....the guy had some good ideas on how to deal with my burnout but some of the ideas were just plain silly, or so I thought. And I didn't want to hurt his feelings telling him that so I just left it alone. My depression and burn out eventually worked its way out of my life on its own, but, I'm sure it will come back, it always does. I just wish the local office here in town would accept my insurance. Whatever. Anyway....I've been hanging in there and doing well.....work is still a big means of stress for my life, and I'm still burnt out, I think, but not as bad....its tolerable at the moment. My home life is the same its been the last how many ever years....I am hoping to get here more and "diary" or write....I always say that....but it doesn't seem to happen....

One thing that I have been thinking about lately, and for the life of me, can't come up with an answer to, is what is my purpose for being where I am at this point in my life, at 50 years old.....honestly, I feel like I haven't really accomplished anything at my place of employment....there is no "fulfillment" in my job....I have raised 4 grown kids and they are doing fine, but that isn't really a "purpose in life" if you know what I mean.....at 50, I don't feel like I've done anything with purpose....I've just lived a life...and now I'm feeling like I should be doing something with purpose.....I keep telling myself, maybe it will show itself after I retire... and what I do in my retirement will be my lifes purpose....but then I think, what if it doesn't.....I guess I just keep doing what I'm doing and continue to wait and see......

Been a long time since I've posted anything here in "my space". I've been doing some venting in an online journal, in an app, that is offered through my EAP. While it feels good to type it out, I'm still thinking about finding a listener or even a therapist on this site because I feel that some feedback may be good for me. Looking at the profiles of each though, I'm hesitant. I don't think people understand where I'm coming from when it comes to my job and my stressors. I stopped sessions with one therapist because I felt he didn't understand. He offered up, in my opinion, some very silly advice for my work burnout situation. I feel that unless you've been there, you just don't get it. So rather than go through multiple listeners or therapist who just don't get it, wasting their time on me when they could be helping someone in their wheelhouse, I'm searching for the perfect fit. Most of my hardships stem from work stress. I'm at the end of my rope with work and feel like I'm at a stage of burnout where I'm just sooooo ready to walk away. There is no consistency among my co-workers and I get frustrated because of it. Most of them cut corners and operate "in the grey area". When you feel like you are the only one trying to do things right, well, you tend to get frustrated and give in to the urge to cut corners sometimes, which I hate about myself. Don't get me wrong, these employees get the job done but do just enough to get by and complain the whole time. Everyone I work with is so negative. It has always been this way as long as I've worked here. Its just a negative environment all around. The bad part is I knew this going into this profession in 1997 but the money and benefits are great. The worst part is the job isn't a job where you have a product or project and feel accomplished at the end of the day. There is no sense of accomplishment in this job. I feel defeated, beat down and been that way for some time. I feel like I'm done with the negative staff and negative vibes that come from this place. I think I've been doing this job too long and am done with "peopleing". The problem is I've created a lifestyle for myself and family that if I leave I won't be able to sustain. The money and benefits I'm making here just isn't there at other jobs. I'm 3 years away from being able retire with a pretty decent lifestyle. So do I sacrifice my mental health well being for the next 3 years for the money and retirement, or sacrifice the money for my mental health well being, which if I do that, I add a different set of stressors in the form of how to manage to pay the bills and get by. I guess its a decision of "go with the stressor you know vs the stressor you don't". I really don't know what to do or how to fix this. I've tried to do things right, be a good person, stay positive and grateful that my job pays well and offers me a nice lifestyle. I've tried to keep my negativity to myself at work, you know, set the example. Yet none of it seems to help. All I know is I need to come a decision and soon. Sometimes I wonder if this is a door that keeps opening that I"m supposed to walk though and something better will be on the other side. I've had so many times that I felt like I should just walk away. Or maybe this is a situation that is supposed to teach me something as I work through it, and help me to come out stronger on the other side. The problem I have with that is I'm not good at seeing those signs or making those decisions without a clear path laid out in front of me. Sometimes I think that God or the universe, (I'm not wanting to start a religion debate, that is for another time, this is just some background on me. I was raised in church and think there is a higher power, but based on some of the events in my life, and the things I've learned and know about religion, at 51yrs old I'm not sure what I believe anymore or how it all fits together),anyway, sometimes I feel like this higher power is saying to me, "how many times do I have to give you an opportunity to get out", but I'm not taking it. The problem with that opportunity is there is nothing immediate on the other side, and I'm not ready to take that risk. I'm just not sure what to do or how to make this decision. This is a long one so if anyone has read this, thanks for taking the time.

Update, since its been a while. I've been using 7cups forums for this and that and its been very helpful for me. I just posted the following in the work and career section under my stress and burn out thread that I started at one point in time.

I've struggled through stress and burn out, some of it really bad, since my last post. My immediate supervisor went out medically and won't return. While this was a good thing(he was a weak leader and terrible supervisor), This put more on me because I was second in charge of our section, so now I was doing both our jobs. 7Cups has been helping me a lot. I've taken a vacation, which helped with some relaxation, but then going back to work last week, the stress level went back up playing catch up. I could have put in for the job of the supervisor of our section, but due to my already stress and burnout, I didn't want it. After long consideration, I realized I would be happier where I'm at, even with the stress and burnout. While considering taking the promotion, looking back I realized that most of my issues were with subordinate staff and issues related to the fact that our supervisor was so terrible at his job. I was always playing go between with him and the staff, fixing his messes, etc. I met the new section supervisor yesterday. He's a no nonsense, straight by the book, guy, which mirrors my leadership style. The old guy worked in the grey areas. I was bending my work ethics and style to try to make it work with this guy and I believe that is what contributed to a lot of my stress and some burnout. Knowing this guy was cutting corners and working in the grey area. Worrying about things going wrong all the time. And the staff below us liked some of his grey area style because it was easy. Things are going to change now, and I think having this new guy in there will not only help make my job easier, but I will be happier doing things how they should be done. Here's hoping a change in leadership will help my stress and burnout. I'll keep you all posted.

I still haven't reached out to a listener. I don't need a listener in the traditional sense. I don't need immediate "chat" so to say. I've never been "critical or on the edge" to where I needed an immediate response. I think that is why I've never reached out. I feel there are people out there who are worse than me and need the immediate help and I don't want to be taking up a listener that can be helping them. I guess what I'm looking for is someone I can just send messages to regularly, as I need to, that can acknowledge, send advice and ideas, and reply when they can, as they can. I thought about creating a thread, specifically for this, and letting anyone answer as they want, but I'm not sure where this post would live within the 7cups community. Having multiple ideas and advice can be a great thing. But, I also think that having a regular chat buddy who knows details of my stress and burnout that I may not want "out there" may have different advice to offer. So I'm still thinking on this.

If you are following along and reading this far, thank you for coming along for the ride.

Been a long time since I added to this page ("my journal").  My days off at work have changed from Friday/Saturday to Sunday/Monday.  This week was the first Sun/Mon off and I'm kinda liking it so far.  Working Saturday wasn't all that bad, especially with two other staff there.  If I can get them trained properly, it will be a good day to be at work.  Until people start taking time off, that is. 

I have a list of things to get done today, mostly finance things.  I hope I can accomplish them.

I have an MRI coming up at the end of the month for some medical things.  I'm stressing it but there is nothing I can do about it.  It has to be done.  Worrying about the result will do me no good, but I'm still stressing the MRI more than I should.  Its one of those "it is what it is" things and if the results aren't what I'm hoping, there really is nothing I can do but deal with it when the time comes. 

I haven't been happy in certain aspects of my life for a long time.  I want to change that.  A professional may help but I'm not all about therapy right now.  I am searching out ways online, to help me be happy in those areas.  I've been so miserable for so long, especially at work.  I don't know what will make me happy in that place but learning to let go of some of the things will help. I just don't know how to be that guy who just shows up, does 8 hours and goes home.  Its not me.

I also want to force myself to write something here daily about work, life, etc, but get tied up with other things and what not.  I always seem to use these sites when things aren't so good and lay them aside when I'm in a good place.  There are really good and nice folks here who have helped me when I was in a bad place or having a bad time. I shouldn't abandon them when I'm in a good place.. I should journal regardless.