A place for my thoughts (and yours) as I cycle through life
I think I will use this spot as a brain dump when needed....I'm having a hard time navigating the forums. I'm not sure where to put things, don't know if there is a way to be notified if someone comments back on my threads but I'm sure I'm missing somebfood stuff, and when it tells me I'm tagged get lost trying to find it....I find I do better navigating the site from my laptop on the web than I do from the android app on the phone so most of my thought dumps will be from the computer, when I actually have time to log in amd type.... I also hate trying to type on my phone....I have the fat finger issue and a lot of times my words are wrong or spell check puts some crazy crap in there that I don't catch and it comes out as nonsense....anyway...if anyone else reads this and wants to be part of my brain dumps, feel free...I'm always open to, but don't always listen to advice, comments and constructive criticism....sooooo to anyone reading, welcome to my world....
Saturday 17 August 2024
I just want to say that all the stress and commotion that was going on in my head about working second shift yesterday was for nothing. I made it all up in my brain because the day went pretty well in my opinion. I do that all the time. Turn the unknown into the worst possible thing. Something I need to learn not to do.....I'm not sure how to do that but I'll figure it out. I took today off from work because I thought I'd have a terrible night last night working the other shift. While I was wrong about that, I'm not regretting using the comp time to have today off....I slept in again, which felt good, but my body is sore and achy, like when you are coming down with something....I am going to skip my workout and just take another day to rest and listen to my body.....hoping I'm not getting sick....
Thursday 22 Aug 2024
I slept like ***, I'm tired, miserable and the stuff going on at work is starting to pile up again.. I can't seem to get a brain dump and let it be when I'm at home. Today is my last day for the week but somehow that isn't very comforting. Next week work is going to be hectic and I'm sure I'll be stressing that during my long weekend.
@CyclingThroughLife
Hey man, try to make it through. Maybe and hopefully some of the mumble jumble in the brain will work its way out. Either way, you'll be able to rest and recuperate some in the next day or so.
I've noticed the past couple months that you've been talking about things, all the same problems are there but it seems to me you're managing them and handling them much better then before.
I know it's not 100% but it seems to me that you're getting stronger so hang in there today and remember it's just a little bit at a time. You got this.
Sunday 8/25/24 0741 hrs
Pertaining to work, I'm finally in a place where I can be off of work and not have the worry that I have had in the past. I do think about it but I'm getting better at not worrying about the things there that "could" go wrong. I think this is because things haven't been terribly bad at work in a little bit....This is a major step for me....I just hope I don't end up going backwards...My worry now is that something is going to happen at work, and I'll lose all the progress I've made not thinking about it at home....if that makes sense.....I feel like I'm having a hard time expressing my thoughts on this subject this morning so I will think of a way to write it out but for now I'll leave you with this.....
Thursday 29 August 2024
I'm living what I call a "status quo" life....an existing state and that is about it.....I am managing at work....doing what I have to do get by....my home life is good....I've been fairly consistent with my lifting and cycling workouts....I am thinking of adding some elliptical but to do that I need go get a gym membership and go back to PF.... not sure if I want to do that but I want to add another form of cardio and I like elliptical....anyway....I'm just floating along in life right now....getting by where I need to and avoiding people and situations that may bring stress and emotion because I get an over stimulation of both at work.......meaning mostly sitting home, working out, reading and watching tv lol....
Till next time.....
Thursday Sept 5 2024
I am feeling a certain way and I don't have a word for it.....this week has been tough for me with wanting to get in my workouts....I usually LOVE to workout....all this week, I've had to force myself to get it done...today, I'm skipping the workout....usually I'd be super hard on myself and it would bother me a lot for giving up and just not doing it, but my train of thought is if I give in and just don't do it for the one day, maybe it will satisfy this feeling I am having of not wanting to do it....then again maybe it won't....its an experiment and we will see how it goes.....what I really think is going on.....I may be falling into a funk....not wanting to do something you enjoy fits the bill.....but I don't have any of the other regular signs I get when start to go down that hole, yet....maybe this is a one off....I can only wait and see....
Other than that, I managing....or maybe I"m not but just telling myself I am....it HAS been a stressful work week....Sept is the month when we get the surprise inspection from the Department of Public Health...I say surprise because we always know its Sept and March when they come, we just never know what day they will walk in the door.....I'll be super glad when they come and its over....even if they do ding us on some minor things, I think as long as we don't have any major deficiencies, I'll be good with it...
I'll try to check back in tomorrow with the results of my not working out experiment.....
@CyclingThroughLife
i I usually find it beneficial to shake up the basket from time to time but not to lose track or beat yourself up. I think it feels good to take a break and shake it up if you can afford to do it mentally and otherwise.
Thursday Sept 12, 2024
Been a week since coming here.....like I said in my last post, I'm feeling a certain way, yet can't put my finger on what that exactly is.....its like I am lacking something in life but don't really know what it is....maybe I need to change something in life, my routine maybe, I know definitely my job should change, but it benefits me to hang in there for the time being.....until I figure it out, I'll keep searching.....
Had a particularly stressful day at work Tuesday. The kind of day that stays with you, makes you think and rethink decisions, and how you handled things, hoping that it doesn't come back down the road to bite you in the @** and stays in the back of your mind because of it....In my career, there have been a lot of events and decisions like this that take up a lot of space in the back of my mind and live rent free, coming to the forefront wreaking havoc every so often......
Since I'm working on my days off, I was able to take today off so that I didn't end up working 9 days in a row.....I plan on doing a strength workout, some cleaning around the house, a trip to Walmart for some essentials and work on a landscaping project I've been tinkering at, a little a time....I'm not in a hurry to get it done so I'm not putting extra pressure on myself....when it gets done, it gets done....
Thursday 12 Sept 2024 part 2
I came here to read up on threads while sitting in the sun on my porch and enjoying the afternoon while the weather is still nice in New England. Funny thing is, there really are no new threads to read in my communities....its seems I'm all caught up....Pertaining to this mornings post....I feel like I'm definitely missing something or needing something in my life right now....a change somewhere? Maybe....maybe something else?.... Who knows....I know I feel "stuck", "lost" and a little depressed.....its kind of a looming feeling that something isn't right....that I need to fix or change something.....and for the last week or so, I've been searching and just can't seem to put my finger on it....nothing has really changed in my life worth causing this shake up.....so I'm not sure where the feelings are coming from....I guess I'll continue to hold out until it goes away or I get/find my answer.....
@CyclingThroughLife As a correctional officer, no doubt you have enough anecdotes & stories to fill a book. I've run into two: one by an officer (it's a bit dated but still useful), & another by a convict (drug-related offense). Have you thought about writing down the best stories, or at least the most impactful ones? Self-publishing is a thing; a lot of people put out their own books in Kindle format now. If you do it right, you could sell quite a few copies. Who doesn't need extra cash these days?
@slowdecline48
I have thought about this....maybe something to do in the future after retirement.....I don't have time to actually sit and journal at this point in my life, never mind try to write....Although I do have many many stories....thanks for the thought and idea....
Anytime, man. It's just something to keep on the back burner... After the big day of relief & the checks start depositing into your account, then you can start putting it all on paper (onscreen, these days) & say what you really think. 😏 But seriously, there is no perspective of a system--any kind--quite like the insider view.
I mentioned earlier about this feeling I was having and not quite being able to put a finger on what exactly it was....after much self contemplation, I came up with this...this may be one of many things, I'm just not sure....
I keep my feelings to myself because I learned a long time ago that no one really cares how I feel about anything and voicing an opinion or even the truth just causes arguments or hurts someone else and I'm at a place in my life where I just don't want the drama of that kind of s***....so I just keep it ALL to myself and let others be what they may be, to include my family....this in itself may be part of the issue...
Here lately, I've had this urge to just sell the house, quit the job, and just go....and I don't know why I feel this way.......go where, I don't know...For some reason, I am feeling that I just don't want to be where I am right now in my life....which is bad because I'm just about 2 years from a retirement package and my final child graduating high school, which will allow me the freedom to do what I want and go where and when I want.....I'd take my girlfriend with me where ever I may roam, but I'm not sure if she is ready for that....I settled down early, at 22 while in the military...I always thought I was supposed to live the picture perfect, house, family, job and kids life....I've succeeded to a point....now.......2 marriages(one failed and once widowed), 3 kids and 2 step kids later, and years in a very unfulfilling career, I think I'm ready to just do me......Yet, I need to find a way to lose this feeling because I really am a responsible adult with a mortgage, car payment, decent job and family that needs me, but I really just want to travel and be carefree right now in my life.....and that makes me feel bad, which doesn't help my thoughts.....
Anyway....I am hoping that typing it out, putting it out in the universe...seeing it in context.....will help me get over this wanderlust feeling......
@CyclingThroughLife
YEP.... get it out there. 😕🙃. Sounds nice but you did a good job hitting all the logic points.
@CyclingThroughLife It sounds more like you do know why you feel that way...quite understandable, too. How many people find "fulfillment" as a prison guard? Seriously. From what I've heard & read so far, it is not a desirable job. The only instances of satisfaction I've heard of were when the individual in question was a sadistic bast∆rd & liked to put the inmates through as much s*** as he could inflict on them. You made the big decisions in your life based on social conventions instead of on what direction you wanted to go. When the former & latter differ, that's a recipe for discontentment at best & bitterness at worst. The fact that you stuck with the job & supported your all kids through it is a testament to your endurance & ethics.
@slowdecline48
"How many people find "fulfillment" as a prison guard? Seriously. From what I've heard & read so far, it is not a desirable job. The only instances of satisfaction I've heard of were when the individual in question was a sadistic bast∆rd & liked to put the inmates through as much s*** as he could inflict on them. You made the big decisions in your life based on social conventions instead of on what direction you wanted to go. When the former & latter differ, that's a recipe for discontentment at best & bitterness at worst. The fact that you stuck with the job & supported your all kids through it is a testament to your endurance & ethics."
Thank you for the kind words about the testament to my endurance and ethics. And you are correct, it is not a desirable job. Most young kids right out of college, or even before graduating college, come to the profession as a stepping stone to other law enforcement agencies and leave before their career even starts because they realize it isn't for them. The turn over rate is astronomical....and those of us who stay..... by the time we realize we hate it, we have been in too long to "start over" somewhere else....the pay, benefits, retirement....they are all great....if you can learn to separate and deal with the crap on a daily basis the end product (retiring) is well worth it.....but getting to the finish line turns you into a numb, sarcastic, dark sense of humor, no faith in humanity, hateful loner....at least it did for me....I really really dislike public events and people in general, and I blame it on my job....they say you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, yet I live by the saying "if it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it must be a duck"....so that is how I judge all people.....yet while I know it isn't true...and I shouldn't do that....I still do and don't really know how not to....
As for fulfillment...there really isn't any.....everyone going home at the end of this shift with no employees or inmates hurt or dead is a win....I know it sounds terrible but really, that is the premise of the job.....we do have programs and treatment for these guys, and seeing them get out and not return is sort of a win, but you can't really say that is fulfilling because we don't get to "know" them in that sense during their stay, and there is always someone else to replace them.....they all aren't bad, narcissistic individuals.and there are some decent inmates who really have just made one bad life decision that put them where they are..... they accept that and do their time accordingly and go back to life.....and some really want to change, get off the drugs and alcohol....take advantage of the programming we offer and do change their lives...but those are few and far in between........but most I've dealt with over the years have the stereotypical "inmate" mentality and either can't or don't want to change .....its the nature of the beast. Sorry if this all sounds bad, its just my take on it all....I've been doing it in two states, at two different facilities since 1997....I'm by no means an expert in criminology, deviance or inmate thinking, but I feel I've put in enough time to speak my opinion on it....
Given your experience, you probably know more than quite a few supposedly expert criminologists who have never talked to a real convict, let alone spent any time inside the walls as an observer. As someone with a useless BA degree, some rather varied life experience & somewhat scholarly habits, I can attest that "book learning" is only good up to a point. There is no substitute for time spent in the real world. At best, academic knowledge can supplement & refine what one learns from life; at worst, academic dogma can seal off a mind from any contradictory facts or input. (That is a key factor in much of today's discontents coming from left-of-center)
Thursday 19 Sept 2024
I'm off work today and tomorrow due to working Sunday and Monday on my days off. I took Saturday off so I have a nice long weekend away from work, which I'm hoping will help me relax mentally and physically. I think we are going to go to another fair on Saturday. I could do without the crowd and people right now, but I just can't seclude myself at home all the time.....my girlfriend supports me when I get overwhelmed with people due to what I deal with at work, but relationships are give and take and I sometimes need to step up and just do public things I really don't want to for her.....Most of the time, the public things don't end up all that bad, its my mind that makes them that way before I even go and do them....One thing I have realized is that I need to learn to be a public people person again....I know the job has done something to me....made me where I just don't like people....I'm hoping once I can retire, that will change.....
I've still haven't found what I'm searching for(sang in my best Bono voice) pertaining to my previous posts....the wanderlust is still there, but it has died down some....not sure if that is because I've just been so busy to not think about it or I'm starting to suppress it for now until the next time it shows up.....
Other than those things above....I'm still live the status quo life....
Till next time.....
@CyclingThroughLife
You are doing really well Cycling. Your posts are leaning away from a harsher frame of mind to a more softer frame of mind. I think that's pretty powerful and especially with the fact that nothing really changed (everything is just as hard at work) except for your desire to figure it out. I can feel it in your posts and I just wanna let you know it feels good seeing you getting a mental break sometimes.
With five days off, it would be nice to take a break from the work work work, even at home.. Enjoy the fair 😀.
Keep it up man, you're doing great! 
hehe.
