Lost
[+/-] I think I'm done.
[-] Nothing seems to work.
[+] I am living someone else's life.
[-] Never once mine.
[+] Everything is processed by the brain.
[-] None by the heart.
[+] Even this post. The way I write... somehow must rhyme.
[-] Hiaz, Why am I this way.
[+] What did I do wrongly in the first place.
[-] Oh well, forget about it. Who cares.
@mytwistedsoul @NoneTheWiser
Hi.
I don't know if i should log in and post.
But I dont feel good. Generally.
I know we "discussed" before. Things take time. There will be good and bad days.
Hiaz. I dont really know. It just sucks.
@mytwistedsoul @NoneTheWiser
hi twistedsoul and wise one.
Been wanting to say hi, I dont really know what is going on.
That sense of feeling of something is wrong is coming back.
It is very tough to "rest", while the mind just wants to keep going.
Dealing with un-satisfication, acceptance, contentment or rather "enough is enough". Its very sad.
@mikenai22 Hey Mike - Sorry it's been a while. I've been meaning to get a reply to you but I haven't been in the best of places with myself. I hear you - it is so hard to rest when all you do is think and think and think.
When you say about the feeling of something being wrong - is it anxiety kicking in? That feeling of impending doom or like you're waiting for the bottom to fall our.
I'm sorry to hear about the unsatisfaction and acceptance and contentment. You're not alone with that. Just a feeling of constant restlessness - turmoil I guess. I wish I know what to tell you.
Sorry I didn't have more to tell you. You have been in my thoughts though.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
Hey Mike - Sorry it's been a while. I've been meaning to get a reply to you but I haven't been in the best of places with myself. I hear you - it is so hard to rest when all you do is think and think and think.
Dont worry about it twistedsoul. Everyone has their days. Its never easy to have things "so perfect". Our(s) expectation should be adjusted to not have improper thinking about it.
Despite your troubles, you still responded in. Thank you again twistedsoul.
I do aware of my selfish-ness to "hope" for a response from you in utmost urgency... which is not a nice mentality and expectation to have.
When you say about the feeling of something being wrong - is it anxiety kicking in? That feeling of impending doom or like you're waiting for the bottom to fall our.
i dont really know if it is "anxiety that you are referring to. its more like i just feel kinda that things are not correct. Things as in the way i am living, the lifestyle i am following, the events, issues that is going on with me now.
it just does not feel right. yet i refuse to change and move on.
I'm sorry to hear about the unsatisfaction and acceptance and contentment. You're not alone with that. Just a feeling of constant restlessness - turmoil I guess. I wish I know what to tell you.
Its ok. I am appreciative that you understood the feeling. No one (close ones/others around me) seem to understand what i been expressing.
Sorry I didn't have more to tell you. You have been in my thoughts though.
Hey dont be hard on yourself. Being here actually is good enough. Now to add on, that when you say that I am in your thoughts. Its way even more. I wonder if anyone else (as in not 7cups..) has similar thoughts.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
Thanks again twistedsoul. I cant seem to keep reminding myself.
@mikenai22 It's not selfish to hope for a response. It's nice to feel heard - nice to know you aren't alone.
Ok I think I understand - You see the things that are wrong with your life and wrong with the things that you're doing but yet - you're almost helpless to change them. Mainly because - where do you start? How do you start? I mean people can give tips on how to do things but it's hard to explain that it doesn't feel right. Almost as if your mind is split down the middle and all they do is argue constantly. It feels like you're in a constant tug of war with yourself. Do I or don't I? Should I or shouldn't I? The oubt an second guessing is always there.
I think there probably is a few people here who have gotten close enough - that they wonder how someone else is. I know we only know each other here but we have talked for a few months. I do consider you a friend. So as my friend I worry about you and wonder how you're doing.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. We're always here for you.
@mytwistedsoul
It's not selfish to hope for a response. It's nice to feel heard - nice to know you aren't alone.
I dont truly know the right answer. Its just that feeling.
Ok I think I understand - You see the things that are wrong with your life and wrong with the things that you're doing but yet - you're almost helpless to change them. Mainly because - where do you start? How do you start? I mean people can give tips on how to do things but it's hard to explain that it doesn't feel right. Almost as if your mind is split down the middle and all they do is argue constantly. It feels like you're in a constant tug of war with yourself. Do I or don't I? Should I or shouldn't I? The oubt an second guessing is always there.
Red - Well explained. I cant explain much better. Extremely exhausted from it.
I think there probably is a few people here who have gotten close enough - that they wonder how someone else is. I know we only know each other here but we have talked for a few months. I do consider you a friend. So as my friend I worry about you and wonder how you're doing.
Wow... I never even had such thoughts.
I wonder if i have/had geniuely bring myself out.
But hearing how you explained. I am very appreciative of your concern and sincerity.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. We're always here for you.
Hiaz, twistedsoul... its so difficult. Thank you as always.
@mikenai22 Just want to say hey and see how you are. I know this constant battle has you tired and exhausted. Frustrated too.
You're a good person Mike - you deserve to find peace and happiness.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
Just want to say hey and see how you are. I know this constant battle has you tired and exhausted. Frustrated too.
hello. yes indeed. and puzzling with confusion.
these few days (or is it weeks) i have just been numbing myself.
full of questions...
You're a good person Mike - you deserve to find peace and happiness.
1. Thank you.
2. I dont think i deserve the commendation.
3. Neither nor i feel that i deserve the peace nor happiness. The journey has been tough. Had been tough. and never fruitful. I know the saying, never give up, never stop searching, everyone has different timing. It has been very exhaustive and i wish i can just have the "answers" so i can stop/break and move on.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
Thanks twistedsoul.
You too take care.
@mikenai22 Hey - I know what you mean - I've been trying to get things to go numb myself. I'm tird of feeling so many conflicting emotions lately. Tired of being unsure of what to do.
I feel you do deserve peace and happiness - because your journey has been so tough - because you have been trying so hard to find answers. I sometimes though - that we feel maybe we've done something and that this is our punishment. Idk - maybe we think we're bad people - maybe we feel we've done something to deserve this. Life just shouldn't be this complicated. We shouldn't have to fight so hard with ourselves to make the changes we need or want.
Thanks Mike - Sometimes - Idk - I guess I need to hear it too.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
Hey - I know what you mean - I've been trying to get things to go numb myself. I'm tird of feeling so many conflicting emotions lately. Tired of being unsure of what to do.
Okays. Then i dont need to explain further. I guess we actually are pretty much in sync. (although i know there are certainly more...)
I feel you do deserve peace and happiness - because your journey has been so tough - because you have been trying so hard to find answers. I sometimes though - that we feel maybe we've done something and that this is our punishment. Idk - maybe we think we're bad people - maybe we feel we've done something to deserve this. Life just shouldn't be this complicated. We shouldn't have to fight so hard with ourselves to make the changes we need or want.
Pink - I'm not sure. I don't feel the freedom, support, entitlement, permission to derserve it. Looking at how things had been going. I doubt my society nor family is giving me such opportunities.
Red - My thoughts, most of the time.
Green - I'm not so sure about the bad people comment. But rather, i kept having this feeling that, perhaps something, a choice, a decision, of mine (ours) that is misaligned, or wronged (as deemed by society or external) such that we deserve the penalty that I (we) are experiencing now.
Orange - To be honest, I (we) have been fighting. But I (not sure about yourself/everyone else) dont know what i am fighting for, my goals, directions, what i really want. Why I even started in the first place. Who am i proving to? Do i even need to prove to?
Thanks Mike - Sometimes - Idk - I guess I need to hear it too.
Guess its better to have that support. Time to time.
Otherwise, by accident, might just drop off, unwillingly if caught off guard.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
Thank you. twistedsoul.
@mikenai22 Hey How are you?
Time has gotten away from me this week. Well - sort of. This has been just very bad week for me. Just kind of keeping to myself.
Man I have to say - you and I are alot alike with our thinking. I think sometimes we just try so hard to live up to the expectations of everyone else - we sort of lose ourselves along the way. We get so focused on what everyone else one's for or from us - by the time we realize it's about us - we can't find our way back. You're right with the green part. I do think sometimes that I've done something to deserve every bad thing that comes my way. Idk - maybe I'm just a bad soul.
I don't think you should be doing anything for anyone other then yourself. You have to do what feels right to you. What you feel is in your best interests. What makes you happy?
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts - Take care of yourself
@mytwistedsoul
Hey How are you?
Hi twistedsoul.
Time has gotten away from me this week. Well - sort of. This has been just very bad week for me. Just kind of keeping to myself.
It must be tough for you to go through it.
I hope that you will be able to get over it soon and that a better week/time to come for you ahead.
Man I have to say - you and I are alot alike with our thinking. I think sometimes we just try so hard to live up to the expectations of everyone else - we sort of lose ourselves along the way. We get so focused on what everyone else one's for or from us - by the time we realize it's about us - we can't find our way back. You're right with the green part. I do think sometimes that I've done something to deserve every bad thing that comes my way. Idk - maybe I'm just a bad soul.
I wonder if I (maybe you like to also) to "ease" off the mentality of pleasing others. But rather to be able to live up to please/achieve/answer what I (yourself) truly wants.
And most importantly is to not lose focus... (Red) which i am totally aware of. Yet it is very easy to slip off.
Blue - This is probably because, we kinda instilled/programmed our mind, our behaviour to work in a certain manner such that it developed into a comfort/habitual thing... So by time of realisation, even if we want to back off or change. It becomes challenging. BUT, first step is realising it, which i felt it is also an important factor.
I don't think you should be doing anything for anyone other then yourself. You have to do what feels right to you. What you feel is in your best interests. What makes you happy?
I dont know. I cant feel it anymore.
I only know one thing for sure. It hurts.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts - Take care of yourself
Thank you. Hope you can get over your bad week soon, and look after yourself (and perhaps some self-care time for yourself).
@mikenai22 Hi Mike, How are you?
It's been a little longer than I intended again. Unfortunately this week has been just as bad as the last but I am still hopeful that it will get better.
You are so right on many levels here. With trying t please ourselves instead of trying to please others. It's not easy to do though is it? I think a lot of that probably comes from the fact that we base so much of our self worth on what others think of us. How they see us. We judge our perceptions by the perceptions of others.
I'm sorry to hear that you're hurting so much. You're not alone with this. I know it doesn't help much but you aren't alone. It's hard to know what we should do with ourselves and our emotions, sometimes because they are so conflicting. Between what we want, what we know and what we feel. Then we take into concideration what others want from us. What the expect. It makes everything so complicated.
Are you doing anything for self care for yourself? How have your pains been, with your muscles and your throat? Has your exercises gotten any easier or better?
We're still here for you MIke, still here to help in anyway we can. We can limp along in this together.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts.
@mytwistedsoul
Hi Mike, How are you?
Hi twisedsoul. I cant answer. It just did not feel right.
Been asking permission from brother/mother to "change".
Asking for hope that they do not judge.
Feels so wrong.
It's been a little longer than I intended again. Unfortunately this week has been just as bad as the last but I am still hopeful that it will get better.
Dont worry. Whether you reply or not it is ok.
I hope for you too that it will be better. Dont give up on it.
Shit... and here i am giving up.
You are so right on many levels here. With trying t please ourselves instead of trying to please others. It's not easy to do though is it? I think a lot of that probably comes from the fact that we base so much of our self worth on what others think of us. How they see us. We judge our perceptions by the perceptions of others.
It aint easy. Never was. Perhaps its the mentality that has been driven down to us or a learnt behaviour that probably became a habit/complusiveness. Or maybe the world around us has developed in such a manner where "everyone" has this mentality actually. Its just how one manage.
I'm sorry to hear that you're hurting so much. You're not alone with this. I know it doesn't help much but you aren't alone. It's hard to know what we should do with ourselves and our emotions, sometimes because they are so conflicting. Between what we want, what we know and what we feel. Then we take into concideration what others want from us. What the expect. It makes everything so complicated.
Thanks for reminding. I never truly once able to self-remind myself about it. almost every moment of my mind, is just self-hurt. self-blame. self-torment.
Are you doing anything for self care for yourself? How have your pains been, with your muscles and your throat? Has your exercises gotten any easier or better?
No. Not really. I dont really know what is this self-care. such that i feel better. (to be on the better place, a better side. to even appreciate and feel the "betterness")
muscles - same, if not worse sometimes. been pushing for TCMs sometimes and yet... $ spent and doesnt work.
throat - hiaz... forget it. been spending loads and torturing myself with lozenges, syrups, mentol drops, hiaz...
exercises - mind's totally messed up, sometimes i even push myself to do more. despite the poor outcome. or because of a bad (excessive) amount of food intake. no not really easier nor better. the weird randomness of sometimes ok sometimes not. and worse off is i been wondering something. All these time and effort into, diet, health, nutrition, exercise, money, research, whatever is it totally worth it? my time, my money (actually brother's/parent's), my pains, my etc... all gone yet i dont even reap anything, but lost even more. made others (including you) suffer.
We're still here for you MIke, still here to help in anyway we can. We can limp along in this together.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts.
(Shit) sorry... i keep forgetting. All i keep reminding myself is just to log in daily to check for updates...
Thanks for reminders. Hope you have a better week soon, and please take care twistedsoul.
@mikenai22 It's ok to not have an answer. I'm sometimes unsure how to answer that question myself. Then of course it can change in a heartbeat.
I must admit, you made me laugh. With the "don't give up on it" and then the "here I am giving up" I don't follow my own advice either. It's hard to follow what we say. There's so much that can affect everything.
It's not easy, you are right about that. I do think it's a learned behavior. We learn what our parents and teachers show us. We try to stick to it because it's what we know. But it may not be the best fit for us. But it makes it hard to make changes because we don't know any other way. And to go against it feels wrong because society teaches us it's better to conform to the rest of the world. Being different sort of makes you a social outcast.
I've been slacking on the self care myself. I seem to have hit a depression stage and just don't seem to have to motivation or energy to care about self care. I'm really sorry to hear that things having gotten any better for you. I do understand that there is no quick fix but I was hopeful that something would have turned around for you. This may be a weird question, but with the randomness of it sometimes being ok, what is your state of mind on those times? It's ok if you don't know. It's not something we often give a lot of thought to when we're doing things
I have to disagree with you, you haven't made me suffer or added to what I'm already dealing with. I have truly enjoyed getting to know you. I just wish there was more I could do to help you.
It's easy to forget to be gentle with ourselves. We often so locked into our own torments that we forget the simple things like being gentle.
You're welcome Mike and thank you too. You take care of yourself too. Be gentle with yourself, I know you're trying hard to find answers and I know how frustrating it is that you haven't been able to find any yet.
@mytwistedsoul
It's ok to not have an answer. I'm sometimes unsure how to answer that question myself. Then of course it can change in a heartbeat.
This feeling it kinda suck though. Its like things can never be aligned and has to be constantly changed or readjusted. Hate it so much. Can't things be just much more simpler?
I must admit, you made me laugh. With the "don't give up on it" and then the "here I am giving up" I don't follow my own advice either. It's hard to follow what we say. There's so much that can affect everything.
hahas. the weird feeling that i often had and commonly heard. its like "I (myself) knows what is better/right for others or oneself", but yet forget and intentionally going against "recommendations" of your own thoughts.
The comfort. Hiaz.
It's not easy, you are right about that. I do think it's a learned behavior. We learn what our parents and teachers show us. We try to stick to it because it's what we know. But it may not be the best fit for us. But it makes it hard to make changes because we don't know any other way. And to go against it feels wrong because society teaches us it's better to conform to the rest of the world. Being different sort of makes you a social outcast.
Fear.
Unknown.
Missing Out.
I believe the above, are usually the common offenders of being trapped in comfort zone.
How i wished, i dont have this mentality and just brace through everything.
I've been slacking on the self care myself. I seem to have hit a depression stage and just don't seem to have to motivation or energy to care about self care. I'm really sorry to hear that things having gotten any better for you. I do understand that there is no quick fix but I was hopeful that something would have turned around for you. This may be a weird question, but with the randomness of it sometimes being ok, what is your state of mind on those times? It's ok if you don't know. It's not something we often give a lot of thought to when we're doing things
Perhaps, if i may "suggest", i dont see as slack, more like unable/stuck/blocked/trapped. I don't see self-care as a mandative/prescriptive type of thing. Cause if I do, it just becomes additional burden.
But I can feel some uneasyness that you have been experiencing for past few days/weeks. (its ok twistedsoul)
Since you noticed it now, and whenever you are ready or have the strength to, Do try to make a comeback, not for me, but for yourself. Once you feel better, then maybe can start spreading the focus on others.
Oh well, me ah. Yea its ok. I wished (who doesnt') that it could be better and answers are just glaring at me with solutions. Unfortuntately... I guess life is not that simple.
Perhaps it is the perfectionism thoughts where if i do one thing, it should equates to a result. (almost like a robot) and hence when things dont work out, or same things dont give same result, i start all the self-blame, the self-guilt, etc. Trying to figure out why, what went wrong etc...
I wont say I never gave thoughts, but perhaps the energy is spent on "troubleshooting" on the problem in a wrong manner.
Not sure, just a thought.
I have to disagree with you, you haven't made me suffer or added to what I'm already dealing with. I have truly enjoyed getting to know you. I just wish there was more I could do to help you.
ok. I think, or like you mentioned before. Being here, etc. I think is already good enough.
Most of the stuffs, issues, problems, day to day, etc. Only can be helped/aided/resolved/closed by myself. No one can really help me (oneself), only me (oneself) can truly do so.
It's easy to forget to be gentle with ourselves. We often so locked into our own torments that we forget the simple things like being gentle.
You're welcome Mike and thank you too. You take care of yourself too. Be gentle with yourself, I know you're trying hard to find answers and I know how frustrating it is that you haven't been able to find any yet.
Sorry, I know that I have been repeating this, again and again. I assure that almost 99% of the time, I kinda not even remember about it. I wonder if it was intentional or just perhaps the way i trained myself. But then the irony of why or who will want to "ill-treat" oneself than the opposite.
Anyways, Thanks for the well wishes. I hope you can find strength soon and push on to take care of yourself.
@mikenai22 I wish things could be simpler - everything seems like it always has to be so d*mn complicated.
Trapped - that's how I feel somedays - Just trapped in limbo doing my time. Neither fully living or dying. Just here. Afraid of the past - present and future. Kind of like - what I want isn't what I need but what I need isn't what I want. Sometimes a few moments of happiness is found but as quickly as it's found it's lost.
You are right - these things we need to fix ourselves but it's ok to have support with them. While other people can't fix our problems - they can give us new idea's and maybe help view ourselves differently. Or they help validate what we're feeling. I know I need that sometimes - because I often think that what I'm feeling isn't right. Mainly because I've had alot of people tell me over the years - that wat I'm feeling isn't right - I'm not looking at it the right way or I'm making to much out of it.
I think sometimes we start with good intentions for ourslves but then with the self blame - shame and guilt we get it into our heads that we're only getting what we deserve. That this is our punishment for what ever crimes we may have commited - not being good enough - not living up to expectations - whether they're ours or someone elses. Maybe one day we'll get past this but I know I have a long way to go.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. Thanks Mike
@mytwistedsoul
I wish things could be simpler - everything seems like it always has to be so d*mn complicated.
Indeed. Its so (hiaz) complicated, complexed and worse off - neverending.
Trapped - that's how I feel somedays - Just trapped in limbo doing my time. Neither fully living or dying. Just here. Afraid of the past - present and future. Kind of like - what I want isn't what I need but what I need isn't what I want. Sometimes a few moments of happiness is found but as quickly as it's found it's lost.
Red - Shit. I wonder how you managed to explain it so clearly.
Blue - I truly wonder, how you seriously manage to think clearly and type it out.
Orange - Pretty much painful for you I believe to endure through and finding it. Sharing abit of mine, is more like a integration of blue and orange. I wont say I found it. Its more like i probably only got some momentum, but dont really find that I like or find happiness through it.
You are right - these things we need to fix ourselves but it's ok to have support with them. While other people can't fix our problems - they can give us new idea's and maybe help view ourselves differently. Or they help validate what we're feeling. I know I need that sometimes - because I often think that what I'm feeling isn't right. Mainly because I've had alot of people tell me over the years - that wat I'm feeling isn't right - I'm not looking at it the right way or I'm making to much out of it.
With that said about others cant fix our problems - I wished it could. However my mind is almost 100% resistive about it. Yes it might give new ideas - Heck yea, my therapist sometimes once in a while opened and made me see things in a different way.
I truly wonder. What can i really do, have the energy to, willing to. Most importantly the courage to embrace fear and cross the hurdle of unknown.
I think sometimes we start with good intentions for ourslves but then with the self blame - shame and guilt we get it into our heads that we're only getting what we deserve. That this is our punishment for what ever crimes we may have commited - not being good enough - not living up to expectations - whether they're ours or someone elses. Maybe one day we'll get past this but I know I have a long way to go.
For this, I can only think or comment on one. Its on how oneself manages its train of thoughts or some form of "paraphrasing" of how you think. Unfortunately its how the mind messes oneself up. I wont deny it that despite being aware at times, but yet not being able to control the train of thoughts, catch it, get out of it.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. Thanks Mike
Hiaz. When can i ever remember to...
Sharing the below video. - Although i saw many others that are truly more inspirational. But for now, i noticed what he said kinda true. Its like i'm in some kind of "survival mode"
@mikenai22 Hey Mike - I watched that video and for right now all I can think of is - Wow. It may be alittle embarrassing to admit - but it did make me cry. I'm there too - in survival mode. I have been for years.
I maybe reading to far into this - but I know you may be feeling alone - unloved and that no one cares. Even with family in the picture - they are often the ones who make us feel this way - whether intentional or not. I think maybe it's their expectations of us - the fact that they want us to be perfect - with a good job and no problems - physical- mental or other wise. We aren't perfect though - no one is.
You aren't alone Mike - I know it may not seem like much. But - Idk - if it helps - I'm with you. Maybe not physically but I am with you in spirit - walking with you. Hopefully with time and yeah - we need a whole lot of patience - you will find a way out of survival mode. You will find a path that will lead you to peace and happiness.
I'm really glad you're still seeing your therapist. I hope that they will continue to help you see things in a different way - a better way.
Thank you for sharing this video.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
Hey Mike - I watched that video and for right now all I can think of is - Wow. It may be alittle embarrassing to admit - but it did make me cry. I'm there too - in survival mode. I have been for years.
Opps. I didn't intend to make anyone cry. Guessing that it kind of touched you somehow.
I still find it hard to try to resonate with it. Finding it challenging to.
I maybe reading to far into this - but I know you may be feeling alone - unloved and that no one cares. Even with family in the picture - they are often the ones who make us feel this way - whether intentional or not. I think maybe it's their expectations of us - the fact that they want us to be perfect - with a good job and no problems - physical- mental or other wise. We aren't perfect though - no one is.
You read me well. (Grateful that you are able to understand me + effort to know me better)
Actually I doubt the need to read. I probably poured almost my entire soul in 7cups well enough.
About... perfect... my biggest problem. I will share a video at the end that I have been looping for days.
Blue - Allow me to paraphrase. Since this incident of mine. My mum/brother/others spoke up. They told me they "never" once had this expectation of me. - wonder how true is that. Although there are times where I got resistance from them when i sought what I "wanted" - I can only presume its because of my misaligned thoughts of reality or they are concerned for my well-being or my state of health.
You aren't alone Mike - I know it may not seem like much. But - Idk - if it helps - I'm with you. Maybe not physically but I am with you in spirit - walking with you. Hopefully with time and yeah - we need a whole lot of patience - you will find a way out of survival mode. You will find a path that will lead you to peace and happiness.
Orange - This is already good enough.
Time... I wonder how much do i have left.
Red - I am pretty lost about this. I cant seem to find it. - Peace. No matter what i do.
Happiness, to be honest. I dont know what is happiness to me. Nothing seems to fit, resonate or help me now.
I'm really glad you're still seeing your therapist. I hope that they will continue to help you see things in a different way - a better way.
Sorry to dissapoint. Couple weeks back, I told my therapist, that I might stop seeing her again. At least another break again. Until I feel the need/ready to continue or possibly a permanent stop.
Thank you for sharing this video.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
You are most welcome.
Thanks again for the reminder.
Below is the video that I have been looping, though no the same context. But quite similar to my state of being jailed. - In my own world.
@mikenai22 Hey Mike -
Maybe - the word expectation is wrong - that they did or didn't have expectations. Maybe it was more of a hope based thing. Maybe some where along the way we get the two mixed up. They hope for the best for you but Idk - it's like you know what they want but you can't give it to them. So their hope becomes more of an expectation.
I know what you mean about the peace and happiness. I have been floundering with this for awhile now myself. I've had moments when I've felt somewhat happy - able to joke around but there always this weight that just want to drag me down. I haven't felt peace for a while. I used to have times of being content but I haven't been able to hold on to it. I haven't even been into the shop for more then a few minutes at a time the past few weeks.
I can understand needing a break. Alittle time - maybe to process some of what you're dealing with. You did put forth the effort though - you stuck with it for awhile and hopefully got alittle something out of it. Be proud of that. I'm proud of you - of all the things that you've tried. It shows strength Mike - even if you don't see it - there are those of us here that do see it.
Another good video - thank you for sharing this one too. So how can we change this mind set Mike? How can I help you see what you do is good enough? That you are more than good enough - that you are worthy of compassion and caring and acceptance. It's hard being the one who has sentenced themselves to this jail. We are our own worst critics and enemies. No one judges us more than we do ourselves.
Be gentle with yourself Mike - and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
Hey Mike -
Hey twistedsoul. I "hope" that you had at least a better time compared to last reply?
- funny, somehow this time something strike my mind and remembered about it
Maybe - the word expectation is wrong - that they did or didn't have expectations. Maybe it was more of a hope based thing. Maybe some where along the way we get the two mixed up. They hope for the best for you but Idk - it's like you know what they want but you can't give it to them. So their hope becomes more of an expectation.
Something along the line. But perhaps like people/many has mentioned about me. Where i often pushed myself to max at anything i do. Its like I want to "excel" at anything i do, the perfectionist mindset. But yet in reality, we know no such "possibility" of excelling at every single thing. There are some that you can work towards for while some you may need aid from someone else more inclined/professional.
Then what's worse off, is like you mentioned, the mental wiring of mine had changed it such that a "hope" only from parents becomes a expection thought that I must/I should/I have to kind of thing.
Well depends on how one manages it. It can be healthy, it can be unhealthy.
If you ask me for my perspective of myself. - My case could be in a badly wired state after a long time.
I know what you mean about the peace and happiness. I have been floundering with this for awhile now myself. I've had moments when I've felt somewhat happy - able to joke around but there always this weight that just want to drag me down. I haven't felt peace for a while. I used to have times of being content but I haven't been able to hold on to it. I haven't even been into the shop for more then a few minutes at a time the past few weeks.
Somehow yesterday, I written down some thoughts about peace and quiet.
What I thought vs What I expected vs What I felt vs What is reality vs What I might be truly should be "feeling" for correctness
- I noticed, its not the noise cancelling/isolation, hiding in room, spending time in isolated 4 walls of a room (with others around in the house), construction, pondering, questioning, hiding behind computer
- I got this feeling, it might really be a true isolation of peace and quiet, something like a remote place, where you disengage, digital life, people, thoughts, life, worries, and be at a place with yourself, where you can connect to yourself alone without disturbance nor any worries
Wel... i duno. Wild thought.
Contented... haha, i wonder when i last had it. Or was there even one.
I can understand needing a break. Alittle time - maybe to process some of what you're dealing with. You did put forth the effort though - you stuck with it for awhile and hopefully got alittle something out of it. Be proud of that. I'm proud of you - of all the things that you've tried. It shows strength Mike - even if you don't see it - there are those of us here that do see it.
Duno... its like... you know the trying to put effort, but chickened out in the end. Kinda give impression to others that you are not "trying". But if touch my heart, i wonder if i even tried.
Just kinda tired of the repetition and i dont felt the "recovery" or moving on. Plus the countless $ invested/poured away that could probably be kept/used elsewhere. I know, people said health is important, you are investing on yourself.
Another good video - thank you for sharing this one too. So how can we change this mind set Mike? How can I help you see what you do is good enough? That you are more than good enough - that you are worthy of compassion and caring and acceptance. It's hard being the one who has sentenced themselves to this jail. We are our own worst critics and enemies. No one judges us more than we do ourselves.
No idea. I just slightly re-wrote it to suit my thoughts. Although it didnt really resonate well.
I have no idea and judgement myself. Decision making is hard. Even what's enough or contented is hard to dictate.
Only thing i feel is pain. And yes it does feel like i am judging and critising myself. Henceforth me, myself being the worst critic's and an enemy to oneself without realising it.
Be gentle with yourself Mike - and your thoughts
Thanks again twistedsoul. Glad to see you here.
@mikenai22 Hey Mike - It's been alittle better so far - I hit the basement of rock bottom over the weekend but It's better right now. Thank you for remembering and asking.
When I first started reading your post the first paragraph the word proud came to mind. Idk - with those hope and expectations - maybe it's just wanting to make them proud. To have them say they're proud of us - our jobs or our achievements. That - look that's my son - he's got a good job - a house- wife - kids. A-B-C and D - ya know? That we've made them proud - they are proud to be our parents. Because we're good sons. Ya know?
Tbh - that sounds like here - that peaceful isolation. No cars - no people - nothing but bird song and the wind through the trees. Granted I still have alot of thoughts here but there isn't any of the other nonsense. Some place where it almost feels as though time stands still. And I can pull the plug anytime on anything digital. Bt I think the beach some where on a deserted island would be a great place to be isolated - nothing but the surf - that steady crash of the waves. Just to sit and watch the tide come in and out. Man that just sounds so awesome.
You're right with alot of this - there's alot of rehashing things and OMG the money spent is just amazing. And you are investing in yourself. But we're also the first to go without sometimes if we don't feel worth it. I know I struggle alot with my self worth. I don't like to think that I'm wasting people's time - not when there's other people more deserving then I am.
It is hard trying to decide what is enough - because well - it varies from person to person. Even from ourselves. Some times I feel it's enough but then other times it's not even close. Idk how to stop judging myself and being my own critic. I think maybe it falls back on wanting to make someone proud. Even to maybe make myself proud - ya know? Maybe in time - hoepfull not too much time.
I'm sorry it took so long again - You have crossed my mind though - I still wish so many good things for you MIke.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts.
@mytwistedsoul
Hey Mike - It's been alittle better so far - I hit the basement of rock bottom over the weekend but It's better right now. Thank you for remembering and asking.
Great to hear that twistedsoul. Least its something. Dont lose hope despite the difficulties.
When I first started reading your post the first paragraph the word proud came to mind. Idk - with those hope and expectations - maybe it's just wanting to make them proud. To have them say they're proud of us - our jobs or our achievements. That - look that's my son - he's got a good job - a house- wife - kids. A-B-C and D - ya know? That we've made them proud - they are proud to be our parents. Because we're good sons. Ya know?
Maybe. But question is for what? Or maybe also there is no reason behind it. Not everything needs a reason. No satisfication no reward no disgrace (show off) no anything not let them down? Or perhaps its just like a sense of correctness.
Tbh - that sounds like here - that peaceful isolation. No cars - no people - nothing but bird song and the wind through the trees. Granted I still have alot of thoughts here but there isn't any of the other nonsense. Some place where it almost feels as though time stands still. And I can pull the plug anytime on anything digital. Bt I think the beach some where on a deserted island would be a great place to be isolated - nothing but the surf - that steady crash of the waves. Just to sit and watch the tide come in and out. Man that just sounds so awesome.
Yea something along the lines you have described. I'm not sure about the thoughts and process. (But) even if they were there, given the "ideal peace" situation, perhaps might just be able to think clearer? Digital unplug, wow, i dont think i can do that so easily.
You're right with alot of this - there's alot of rehashing things and OMG the money spent is just amazing. And you are investing in yourself. But we're also the first to go without sometimes if we don't feel worth it. I know I struggle alot with my self worth. I don't like to think that I'm wasting people's time - not when there's other people more deserving then I am.
Well, right in the supposed way of thinking. But yet, I don't program myself to think so.
I kept preferring the other. Or should I say, too used to the other.
It is hard trying to decide what is enough - because well - it varies from person to person. Even from ourselves. Some times I feel it's enough but then other times it's not even close. Idk how to stop judging myself and being my own critic. I think maybe it falls back on wanting to make someone proud. Even to maybe make myself proud - ya know? Maybe in time - hoepfull not too much time.
interesting, wanting to make oneself proud.
well i can understand the part about different capacities of individuals. but its just "so" difficult to ask oneself (or myself) now that when to me is "enough". Its like i just keep having the forever feeling of insufficiency.
I'm sorry it took so long again - You have crossed my mind though - I still wish so many good things for you MIke.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts.
Dont worry about it twistedsoul. Been checking in daily. Perhaps i should stop.
Thanks for hoping the better out for me. I been kinda wishing too. Just that it never happened. Or maybe the effort/drive is not strong enough. Been trying to think about work lately and hasnt been going well.
@mikenai22 Hey How are you?
You're right about the question for what. Idk - I think some of it is correctness. Some of it for me would be just the sense of my know they're proud. That I think would be the reward for me. To know they approve
I miss talking to people here but I have gotten better at unplugging from the internet. There's times when it Idk - all the stuff online is like over stimulating sometimes. Trying to read and research things - get a better understanding of stuff and well you know how that goes. You start at one site and end up somewhere way way out somewhere.
It is difficult to ask yourself when it's enough. I haven't been able to do that. I have moments when I feel good about something but I quickly pick it apart to find all the flaws. Like a childs game of find the missing pieces. That sense of pride never lasts long.
How have the exercises and the eating been going? Are you still having problems with pain? Did you ever pick a food processor - I remember your other one wasn't working so well. Sorry I didn't mean to hit you with a barrage of questions.
Be gentle with yourself Mike and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
Hey How are you?
Hi twised soul. Actually I dont know what to reply. Perhaps anxious, worried.
Honestly i been quiet about some stuffs. Though i kept feeling sinful for not saying it out. Kind of difficult to explain or rather lengthy.
You're right about the question for what. Idk - I think some of it is correctness. Some of it for me would be just the sense of my know they're proud. That I think would be the reward for me. To know they approve
I see... great to see that you have your definition for some of them. Least it feels ok to have some feel to get it "done" in a certain manner.
I miss talking to people here but I have gotten better at unplugging from the internet. There's times when it Idk - all the stuff online is like over stimulating sometimes. Trying to read and research things - get a better understanding of stuff and well you know how that goes. You start at one site and end up somewhere way way out somewhere.
Over stimulation/Anxiety/Unnecessary Worries/Fear/Etc. - It does. Unless one has very strong or well trained mindset to manage one's behaviour after use. Otherwise like many said. Excessive of anything is not a good idea. Though to some it doesnt hurt one bit
It is difficult to ask yourself when it's enough. I haven't been able to do that. I have moments when I feel good about something but I quickly pick it apart to find all the flaws. Like a childs game of find the missing pieces. That sense of pride never lasts long.
The feeling sucks i believe. And i believe it must be difficult for you to manage as well.
Though i truly hope that i can manage it and at least move on.
How have the exercises and the eating been going? Are you still having problems with pain? Did you ever pick a food processor - I remember your other one wasn't working so well. Sorry I didn't mean to hit you with a barrage of questions.
Exercises - Still finding it very weird. somedays i can perform. somedays my mind wants to go, the body says no. somedays its the inverse. =.=??? (new development) somedays very unheahlty mindset of wanting to exercise to "earn" food (calories) hiaz... sometimes even twice a day/thrice for a few times. (new) i also tried to change running on alternate days to home workouts instead, yoga/static/strength/fitness boxing kind of thing.
Eating - not much changes. still eating at home. and being on budget (because yea..) been on mostly grain + (puree) vegetables + fruits. Sometimes tried to throw (forced) back in like yogurt, soy milk, protein powder. Just to squeeze the protein in. Still mindfully obessive about numbers and costs.
Food Processor - No after the one that I bought the other time, was returned. Thats all. The mind couldnt kept looping.
Nah dont worry about the questions. At least I got something to "type".
Be gentle with yourself Mike and your thoughts
Thanks twisted soul. At least i can "check" in in a while.
@mikenai22 Hey Mike -
I do the same thing - keep quiet about things. Some I guess is like you - it's hard to explain. Mainly I guess - Idk if people can understand. Or if they want to. I guess maybe alot of it is my assumption that they'll just think I'm weird or a freak. This is your space though so if you feel like writting it out - length doesn't matter. You can even put a footnote on things if you don't want people to reply back to it. I can't say everyone will listen to that but most do.
Do you or have you noticed - on the days when the exercises are better and you're able to perform - have you noticed any relation to it and what you've eaten the day before? Like what ever you ate the day before has given you the energy? Like it had more protein in it? It might sound weird but I'm kind of glad to see that you're trying to switch thing up. Trying to do things differently to see what works. It says alot. Do you eat before or after you work out or does it depend on how you feel in the moment? I know yogurt is supposed to be good for your digestion. Are you still having problems with your throat? Do you still take antacids?
Be gentle with yourself - take care
@mytwistedsoul
Hello twistedsoul.
I do the same thing - keep quiet about things. Some I guess is like you - it's hard to explain. Mainly I guess - Idk if people can understand. Or if they want to. I guess maybe alot of it is my assumption that they'll just think I'm weird or a freak. This is your space though so if you feel like writting it out - length doesn't matter. You can even put a footnote on things if you don't want people to reply back to it. I can't say everyone will listen to that but most do.
It is ok. Dont have to explain. I can somewhat somehow relate.
I know there is no need to have others to understand you/me/whoever. Everyone has their own style/way/wants/needs to live, etc. Although there will be times each other disagrees. Freak or not is up to one (anyone) to think or fantasise about, but you should not allow it or let it affect you.
Space wise, i dont know. Why i say that because I truly don't know why i am typing, writing, etc. The intent, the goal, the purpose. Self-Gratification? Self-Satisfication? Self-Soothing? Seeking for permission? Seeking for attention? Yet i am denying them all. I mean like to a certain extent yes it can be helpful to write. But doing for the sake of doing. Doing as in writing rubbish/nonense is just... waste of time?
Footnote? as in?
Do you or have you noticed - on the days when the exercises are better and you're able to perform - have you noticed any relation to it and what you've eaten the day before? Like what ever you ate the day before has given you the energy? Like it had more protein in it? It might sound weird but I'm kind of glad to see that you're trying to switch thing up. Trying to do things differently to see what works. It says alot. Do you eat before or after you work out or does it depend on how you feel in the moment? I know yogurt is supposed to be good for your digestion. Are you still having problems with your throat? Do you still take antacids?
No. Not really. This journey of exploration has been tremendously mystical and un-answerable. As in basically 1+1 does not equal 2. Results or Outcomes have been intermittent. Despite all the readings, findings, research, data shows stuff like calories in, calories out, marcos, micros, diet, health, do this not that, self-help, self-improvement, mindfulness, meditate, etc. Its just very painful for me.
Well, i'll answer the last question. I have been back on antacids and suddenly been abit on a addiction and kind of costly. But somehow the chalky-ness seem to numb/ease the mouth better.
Be gentle with yourself - take care
Thanks twistedsoul. You too rest well.
@mikenai22 Maybe it's that in some way you're looking for a sense of belonging. Maybe a feeling of fitting in - somewhere. Maybe it's because of here - here there's a mismatch of people all with their own problems that sort of match our own. Maybe it's because for all our wanting of solitude - we are humans and I'm told humans are social creatures. At least here though people can kind of understand some of what we're going through. Sometimes it's nice to know that people took the time to respond - that for a moment you were a thought in their mind.
I'm sorry that you haven't gotten any closer to some answers. It's frustrating. Boy do I understand that. While I'm glad to hear they help with the mouth pain - I'm sorry to hear your becoming addicted to them. I did read though that they're often used for canker sores. I know you said they're expensive - but if they help?
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
Maybe it's that in some way you're looking for a sense of belonging. Maybe a feeling of fitting in - somewhere. Maybe it's because of here - here there's a mismatch of people all with their own problems that sort of match our own. Maybe it's because for all our wanting of solitude - we are humans and I'm told humans are social creatures. At least here though people can kind of understand some of what we're going through. Sometimes it's nice to know that people took the time to respond - that for a moment you were a thought in their mind.
perhaps. I believe my mentality of trying or rather forced trying to be someone that i am not. yet i have no reason why i wanted to. if it is acting on consiousness still ok. but it becomes so complusive that its like i must otherwise its wrong kind of mentality is just draining and unhealthy.
likewise to be honest, i also want to comment about blue. which i think it may just be true. We think we can find answers at anywhere as long as someone thinks it is correct. but actually instead of helping, it might just end up detoriating instead. - something like the meaning of not one solution works for all.
solitude. its so hard to obtain it. yes about social creatures. however for me, perhaps yourself too, need that alone time once in a while. To do what i duno, chill, sit still, etc. its like a break from anything kind of thing. yet until today i can never achieve it.
yea, glad to have and be able to meet understanding souls. - i guess its also timing and abit of faith.
and yes, i'm so grateful for it. when kind souls reminded me that they were in their thoughts. when i kept feeling deep down pain. although i am still feeling it.
I'm sorry that you haven't gotten any closer to some answers. It's frustrating. Boy do I understand that. While I'm glad to hear they help with the mouth pain - I'm sorry to hear your becoming addicted to them. I did read though that they're often used for canker sores. I know you said they're expensive - but if they help?
its ok. this struggle, if you noticed had been so long. and still i have no clue or answers.
duno, more like acidity/soury/weird taste. hence the chalky antacid tablets. oh... well... just sad with $ and me tormenting myself.
i dont really know if it is "helping" in physically or mentality. much worse if it is placebo. these are expensive placebos.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
Thanks once again. You too do take care and rest well.
I wonder if i should step off again.
@mikenai22 Hey Mike
I do need that solitude sometimes - alot of times it's more of a compulsion then actually wanting or needing it. I kind of feel like the social outcast at times and just simply don't fit in with the way everyone else is or thinks. Idk - there's times when you feel like you just don't belong any where - ya know? The harder I try to conform and become like everyone else the farther I seem to lose myself.
I have noticed that you've been struggling for along time with everything. It's frustrating to be fighting with something for so long and still not have any answers to anything. It sometimes feels like it adds to the feeling of defeat. I know I did read something about how acid reflux can cause mouth and throat pain - so maybe thats why it's helping. It's a shame though that they're so expensive. Is there maybe a natural way - a homeopathis way that you could find that would have the same effect but at less cost?
Thank you Mike -
Be gentle with yourself - sorry it's taken so long to get back to you again
@mytwistedsoul
Hey Mike
Hello twistedsoul
I do need that solitude sometimes - alot of times it's more of a compulsion then actually wanting or needing it. I kind of feel like the social outcast at times and just simply don't fit in with the way everyone else is or thinks. Idk - there's times when you feel like you just don't belong any where - ya know? The harder I try to conform and become like everyone else the farther I seem to lose myself.
Yep, its somehow like an overengrossed mind that "I NEED IT" kind of feeling.
And like I will not be satisfied until i TRULY get it kind of thing.
Until today, i feel that i am still not able to get that "solitary" feel no matter how much i push for it.
It just keeps feeling trapped.
Trapped in someone's world.
Haha, well about belonging, or trying to fit in to some places or social events. Me too, i never been comfortable ever since young. Its like i never really like to interact with others, nor even want/like the need/trouble/hassle to maintain relationships.
I have noticed that you've been struggling for along time with everything. It's frustrating to be fighting with something for so long and still not have any answers to anything. It sometimes feels like it adds to the feeling of defeat. I know I did read something about how acid reflux can cause mouth and throat pain - so maybe thats why it's helping. It's a shame though that they're so expensive. Is there maybe a natural way - a homeopathis way that you could find that would have the same effect but at less cost?
Sometimes i really wonder if all the "feeling" that i am facing are just due to stress, anxiety, placebo, or over consumption, improper preparation of similar foods or whatever.
I might be telling myself the wrong thing. What if it is not acid reflux. But then what i know is that i do feel the food taste coming back up. and the tounge usually (almost 99%) will have the weird taste after every meal.
Well, there are alot of recommendations which some i tried, but then you know... the internet, there are always people harping one way and another starts countering. then doctors, professionals, family, others, have their point of view also. hiaz...
Thank you Mike -
Be gentle with yourself - sorry it's taken so long to get back to you again
No problems, Its ok. dont have to rush. You need your space too.
@mikenai22 Hey Mike
Trapped - that a good word for it. Trapped in a life you aren't sure of. Trapped in the expectations people place. Trapped in a world you feel like you don't fit in. Trapped in body and mind.
Relationships are hard. Tbh - I'd like friends but - Idk - I think I have some unrealistic thoughts sometimes. Idk - if it's a fear of their expectations or the fear that people only end up hurting you. Or maybe it's the fear that if they get to know me - they won't like me. I haven't had the best of luck with people.
I know stress and anxiety add to my stomach problems. Stress and anxiety cause alot of problems. I can get so stressed and anxious at times I end up getting hives. It causes head aches - achy joints - high blood pressure. I try to be careful with it but - Seems lately I spend half my time anxious and the other half depressed. My therapist wants me to try yoga again. So - Idk - might give it another shot.
It hard with so much different information coming at you from all sides.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
Hey Mike
Hi twistedsoul. Somehow there is always a feeling of comfort seeing a notification reply from you. Its like "Yes! I got something to do and can reply twistedsoul! Gotta see what he/she wrote"
Trapped - that a good word for it. Trapped in a life you aren't sure of. Trapped in the expectations people place. Trapped in a world you feel like you don't fit in. Trapped in body and mind.
Guess what is worse though, the trap is created self-consciously and not willing to get out of it.
Relationships are hard. Tbh - I'd like friends but - Idk - I think I have some unrealistic thoughts sometimes. Idk - if it's a fear of their expectations or the fear that people only end up hurting you. Or maybe it's the fear that if they get to know me - they won't like me. I haven't had the best of luck with people.
It is. But then I think it also depends on individuals. Some perhaps like it? Or perhaps the feel/reward/anticipation may vary between individuals. Yea, I do agree somewhat about the "unrealistic thoughts" sometimes it appears at a wrong time or maybe because one may have some form of insecurity or fear. The problem i think is not with the unrealistic thoughts, but rather the strength and ability to get past or embrace it. Despite the thoughts, the fear or whatever being there. Its like letting it sit or pass in your mind and not fight with it.
I know stress and anxiety add to my stomach problems. Stress and anxiety cause alot of problems. I can get so stressed and anxious at times I end up getting hives. It causes head aches - achy joints - high blood pressure. I try to be careful with it but - Seems lately I spend half my time anxious and the other half depressed. My therapist wants me to try yoga again. So - Idk - might give it another shot.
It does, i noticed it kinda from time to time. However it has been difficult to co-relate sometimes. Sometimes things and timings just dont match, and I start questioning again. Its like it will never be right.
Wait... hives. Careful... not fun. Have my own experiences which are very irrirating. I think it should be hives, when i googled the chinese term for it.
Yoga - Well, if you can spare or find a bit of time, why not try it? I mean it does not hurt. Just like above, try to embrace it and get over the barrier.
It hard with so much different information coming at you from all sides.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
Sorry... That's what my brother been telling me also. And it has been troubling to aid/support me with my concerns...
Still thank you for sitting down to listen and taking time to reply.
@mikenai22 I'm so sorry for letting time slip away again. In all honesty I haven't been doing so well and kind of fall too easily into the isolation. There've been alot of new changes here lately and in all honesty I am not real good with change. All of them seemed to have happened in a 24 hour period. There was no time to prepare - make adjustments.
Idk - thinking about this trapped feeling. Idk - maybe we stay trapped because it's comfortable - maybe we use it as an excuse to stay where we are.
I think some people do probably like it or maybe they're just better adapted to change and more secure in their boundaries. I find I always have questions and insecurities about what I want and how I feel. If something makes me uncomfortable and I see others seem ok with it - it's natural to assume it's me with the issues because well everyone else is ok with it. Idk - We all have our problems I guess. Some people are just better at working past them or more accepting of them. I find theres always some comparison between myself and other people. The slightest thing can freak me out sometimes - so I'm quick to assume it's me that's flawed.
I understand the anxiety - how it comes out of no where at times. I can be doing the simplest thing and feel at ease and all of a sudden there it is. Heart rate goes up - hard to breath - hard to calm down. I know anything can set stuff like that off - food allegies can too.
You're right I should give the yoga another shot - it can't hurt to try.
Despite your concerns - there's no reason you can't get support. Idk - we don't always have to fully understand what someone is going through in order to support them. You can still listen to them. You may not be able to offer much in the way of help or advice but sometimes it's nice to ust have someone listen to what we're saying . To - at least acknowledge our fears. I need to do better by you Mike - I consider you a friend and I haven't been here for you like I feel I should. Please dont think I've abandoned you.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
I'm so sorry for letting time slip away again. In all honesty I haven't been doing so well and kind of fall too easily into the isolation. There've been alot of new changes here lately and in all honesty I am not real good with change. All of them seemed to have happened in a 24 hour period. There was no time to prepare - make adjustments.
Hey twistedsoul, Please dont apologise. Everyone. Even you, need your time and space.
Guess that makes both of us. Its like for one short moment like I have the "energy" to go or want or do it.
Then suddenly everything seemed like crashing down or turning out unexpected.
Yes, kinda had a few turnarounds, staff movements/changes. Although accepting them was kind of difficult. Some had its reasons, some felt "better", some not. Some well, i dont really use it. But i do kinda see the community responded kinda strongly.
But i think more importantly is yourself first? Than addressing the need to "adapt" to change in 7cups.
Idk - thinking about this trapped feeling. Idk - maybe we stay trapped because it's comfortable - maybe we use it as an excuse to stay where we are.
It does feel comfortable. Well excuse, procrastinate, real fatigue, and whatever reasons that is out in the internet.
Maybe a few times is ok? Although to some is like its either 0 chance of letting go or just dont do it at all.
I think some people do probably like it or maybe they're just better adapted to change and more secure in their boundaries. I find I always have questions and insecurities about what I want and how I feel. If something makes me uncomfortable and I see others seem ok with it - it's natural to assume it's me with the issues because well everyone else is ok with it. Idk - We all have our problems I guess. Some people are just better at working past them or more accepting of them. I find theres always some comparison between myself and other people. The slightest thing can freak me out sometimes - so I'm quick to assume it's me that's flawed.
Being able to see that. Its good.
Being able to tell your characteristic, behaviours, acknowleding, is good.
But perhaps maybe what you "could" consider to slow down is the comparsion part.
Unfortuntately in our current generation, yea we do compare alot.
Heck whether if it is for good or for bad reasons. But if you know it kinda hurts or damages you somehow, try to catch the mental thoughts of comparsion and watch it, but dont put too much energy till it affects you.
I understand it will be difficult. - Just suggesting something since i kinda read this guide or tactic alot.
I understand the anxiety - how it comes out of no where at times. I can be doing the simplest thing and feel at ease and all of a sudden there it is. Heart rate goes up - hard to breath - hard to calm down. I know anything can set stuff like that off - food allegies can too.
It sucks man... This feeling.
You're right I should give the yoga another shot - it can't hurt to try.
No harm. Why not? Unless... it is going to hinder something of your lifestyle.
Despite your concerns - there's no reason you can't get support. Idk - we don't always have to fully understand what someone is going through in order to support them. You can still listen to them. You may not be able to offer much in the way of help or advice but sometimes it's nice to ust have someone listen to what we're saying . To - at least acknowledge our fears. I need to do better by you Mike - I consider you a friend and I haven't been here for you like I feel I should. Please dont think I've abandoned you.
I'm just very lost. Nothings right. No matter how hard i push.
Then when things start crashing, it hurts even more.
But i think i am always over-expecting that i needed help not just listening part, but maybe to have a solution out from others...
Hope you can dont feel obligated... to support me... Who knows if i just dissappear the next moment.
Its not about the abandonment or what. Just that there are moments of shock/anxiety state where i needed aid, but i just cant find any sources.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
Unfortantely i never really been good to myself. This sucks.
@mikenai22 Hey Hi Mike
Thank you for understanding. I try to get back to you. I understand the moment of energy. There a burst of "can do spirit" let's call it, but it never last long enough to get much accomplished. I understnad they had their reasons for changing things here. I guess the main problem they were having is the chat rooms. Which in all honestly I think they were visited a total of 2 or 3 times. But I do know a lot people depended on them for support.
It's hard to move forward when we can't let go. But it's so hard to let go. We often have so much of ourselves wrapped up into the things we can't let go. I know sometimes there is a serious lack of motivation. We just can't see the point of anything. Maybe if hope were something a little more tangible. Something we could hold in our hands, it would be different.
Thank you for the suggestion. I try to catch those thoughts but sometimes you can get so caught up in them.
I've never felt obligated to support you Mike. I just have been wishing I could do a better job of it. We used to talk more. I guess a lot of it boils down to energy. I do understand the lost feeling. I've been feeling lost for some time as well. Putting so much time, effort and energy into make things right, to fix them. To go through everything and still not be able to find a solution. It does hurt, you are right about that. To find someone, even here is hard to do. Most of the listeners are nice but I don't think they truely understand a lot of things. They aren't supposed to give advice, which makes it even more difficult. I guess the thing to remember is that the only ones who really know what we're going through... is us. They are basically sounding boards. Use them to vent or to just get things out of your head. Sometimes you can find one that is really good and they can give you a different way to view things, even if it is for a moment.
I know its hard to be good to yourself, to be gentle. Because we get so frustrated and angry with ourselves. Self compassion is something we could care less about. It's hard to be patient as well. At the moment though , maybe you can just for a minute or two, acknowledge that you're doing the best you can in the here and now.
Take care Mike. You're in my thoughts.
@mytwistedsoul
Hey Hi Mike
Hello twistedsoul
Thank you for understanding. I try to get back to you. I understand the moment of energy. There a burst of "can do spirit" let's call it, but it never last long enough to get much accomplished. I understnad they had their reasons for changing things here. I guess the main problem they were having is the chat rooms. Which in all honestly I think they were visited a total of 2 or 3 times. But I do know a lot people depended on them for support.
Welcome, dont worry about it. And great to hear your willingness and dedication. (Thanks, Thanks.... and Thanks. - I am at the stage where i feel i have no more people to chat with)
Energy - If you play video games, you know... like that they call "limit break" in Final Fantasy or how about "Nitrous Oxide/Turbo Engines" in modified vehicles. A short peak burst of energy, where "ANYTHING GOES!!!".
Oh well, not gona blame or fault the change. But as long as it improves conditions for everyone and benefits, dont see why not. Everything gotta try.
It's hard to move forward when we can't let go. But it's so hard to let go. We often have so much of ourselves wrapped up into the things we can't let go. I know sometimes there is a serious lack of motivation. We just can't see the point of anything. Maybe if hope were something a little more tangible. Something we could hold in our hands, it would be different.
Letting go - indeed. Wished sometimes things were just as easy or simply as just words or speaking.
Yes, if the ideals or whatever that we are tackling is clear (as in when dealing with options or decisions), things would be so much more easier...
Thank you for the suggestion. I try to catch those thoughts but sometimes you can get so caught up in them.
no problem. just sharing. it aint easy, but well, take your time. dont have to force yourself.
I've never felt obligated to support you Mike. I just have been wishing I could do a better job of it. We used to talk more. I guess a lot of it boils down to energy. I do understand the lost feeling. I've been feeling lost for some time as well. Putting so much time, effort and energy into make things right, to fix them. To go through everything and still not be able to find a solution. It does hurt, you are right about that. To find someone, even here is hard to do. Most of the listeners are nice but I don't think they truely understand a lot of things. They aren't supposed to give advice, which makes it even more difficult. I guess the thing to remember is that the only ones who really know what we're going through... is us. They are basically sounding boards. Use them to vent or to just get things out of your head. Sometimes you can find one that is really good and they can give you a different way to view things, even if it is for a moment.
please dont put pressure on yourself. cause i dont think i wish to feel/carry the burden either.
yes, it takes significant amount of energy, willpower, and also time. also the moment of time plays a part. you know sometimes things just dont align well... and the mood is totally off.
listeners - then i am at a complete lost... i duno who to look for anymore.. i cannot look upon myself now, with my current state. but yea those unique dedicated well-hearted listeners who went the extra mile, kinda hard to meet. i admire them.
I know its hard to be good to yourself, to be gentle. Because we get so frustrated and angry with ourselves. Self compassion is something we could care less about. It's hard to be patient as well. At the moment though , maybe you can just for a minute or two, acknowledge that you're doing the best you can in the here and now.
Take care Mike. You're in my thoughts.
probably your last statement is what i should try to practise.
to be able to "acknowledge", i think its a better start, than trying to force myself that i should... be compassionate to myself, etc... things not done correctly or what not.
I will... try to remind myself to take care... although i have not been...
Thanks for checking in twisted soul. you too take care.
@mikenai22 Hey Mike - How are you?
Lol - I had to laugh at the anything goes because it is like that. Hit the nitrous and just wow - go go go ! Until the tank is empty or the car blows up.
I do wish too that things were more clear. Like here's part A - which leads me to part B. But The path to get to part B is so twisted. And well I have a problem with always second guessing everything I do. Wondering if what I'm doing or what I'm feeling is right. I mean it feels right in the moment but it's the later part when you sort of go over everything later thats when the wondering starts. If you handled it correctly.
Yeah some listeners - I don't know what to really say. Some just don't seem to really care and others seem to want to force their point of view. Or they basically disagree with what you're saying. I know it's strickly a volunteer thing here and that some people are really dedicated but Others really shouldn't be trying to help people. Sometimes they have anxiety themselves that sort of carry over into the conversations you're having with them and you end up spending more time reassuring them. IDk - it's a good idea - just maybe they need to offer better training? I wish I knew someone to recommend for you.
I wanted to thank you for the compliment thread - that was really nice to see. Made me smile. Thank you for thinking of me. I know I don't get back to you as often as I would like to but there is always somthing that has you run through my thoughts. Some recipe or something or an article on yoga.
It's definitely a good start to acknowledge that you should - maybe you aren't but at least you sort of know you should. We have to start somewhere - right? And then we get in the thoughts of how everything needs to be perfect and we aren't happy until it is. I do see you around in the forums sometimes and tbh - it makes me happy to see you trying to connect and the words of encouragement I see you give some people. It says alot Mike. You are a good person - even if you yourself don't see it. Other people do - I do for sure.
Try to be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. You may not do as well as you hope with it but even if it is for just a moment - it does count - alot. And each of those moments adds up and maybe next time - it can be for a moment longer.
Take care Mike - You're in my thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
Hey Mike - How are you?
Hey, twistedsoul. Somewhat worse in terms of mentality. Although there are some minor nick knacks of progresses that i am not very proud of.
Lol - I had to laugh at the anything goes because it is like that. Hit the nitrous and just wow - go go go ! Until the tank is empty or the car blows up.
Aint that so true. Haha, glad it put a short simple smile for you.
I do wish too that things were more clear. Like here's part A - which leads me to part B. But The path to get to part B is so twisted. And well I have a problem with always second guessing everything I do. Wondering if what I'm doing or what I'm feeling is right. I mean it feels right in the moment but it's the later part when you sort of go over everything later thats when the wondering starts. If you handled it correctly.
May I say 2 things?
1. Wow. The way you explain. It totally explains my train of thoughts.
2. After chatting, replying, with you for a while, somehow, something feels like me (you) are expriencing something very closely similar - Or was just a random coincidence?
Yeah some listeners - I don't know what to really say. Some just don't seem to really care and others seem to want to force their point of view. Or they basically disagree with what you're saying. I know it's strickly a volunteer thing here and that some people are really dedicated but Others really shouldn't be trying to help people. Sometimes they have anxiety themselves that sort of carry over into the conversations you're having with them and you end up spending more time reassuring them. IDk - it's a good idea - just maybe they need to offer better training? I wish I knew someone to recommend for you.
Well its abit of a give and take kind of "risk" when on volunteering. Despite trainings or whatever, the end result deliverables is still open to volunteers. Its like there is no way of functioning if not for them. Hence the give and take slight scarifice. Hence we as in the public community point of view cannot really dictate that a volunteer has to behave this way or some form of strict requirements. I mean unless you're paying? Then its a totally different form of discussion.
Oh well, its ok twistedsoul, i wished i have some soul that can/is connectable and almost in sync kind.
I wanted to thank you for the compliment thread - that was really nice to see. Made me smile. Thank you for thinking of me. I know I don't get back to you as often as I would like to but there is always somthing that has you run through my thoughts. Some recipe or something or an article on yoga.
You are welcome. No wait. Its more of a I want to do it for you kind of thing. Not asking for any single thing/words in return.
But still that was the only thing i thought i could chance upon to share some bits of gratitute without pondering a better way of saying Thanks. I understand its nothing big but intent is just to share/send the message.
Wow... I didn't knew somehow little messages or articles can actually places me in your train of thoughts. Thank you so much... for caring for me.
I know i am very selfishly thinking that I am alone in this "war". Because my mind is too self-centered and cant really open up to see/feel what others think...
It's definitely a good start to acknowledge that you should - maybe you aren't but at least you sort of know you should. We have to start somewhere - right? And then we get in the thoughts of how everything needs to be perfect and we aren't happy until it is. I do see you around in the forums sometimes and tbh - it makes me happy to see you trying to connect and the words of encouragement I see you give some people. It says alot Mike. You are a good person - even if you yourself don't see it. Other people do - I do for sure.
Cant... I really hope to be at a better place. But something is holding me back.
Chains, Restraining, Struggle, Pain.
Try to be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. You may not do as well as you hope with it but even if it is for just a moment - it does count - alot. And each of those moments adds up and maybe next time - it can be for a moment longer.
Take care Mike - You're in my thoughts
I understand about the little moments that adds up, and it aint easy part. But I simply cannot remember/recall any of such during my day to day activities. And constantly allow my mind to wander off to darkness...
You too take care twistedsoul. Thanks again for remembering me.
@mikenai22 I'm really sorry to hear that somethings are worse. I understand that though - There are time when things seem fine here but then - IDk - it can go to h*ll pretty quick.
It think in someways we're alot alike in some of our thinking. Maybe it's just the whole mental health thing. But I know I am not mentally healthy. We got caught up in our depression and our anxiety. We know it's not normal and well I think alot of people think it's just something you can put aside and get over. Maybe some people can but there are those of us who feel so weighed down by it all - it's impossible to do anything more then just survive. I don't if it's something that physically stops us or if it's just our thinking. Believe me if I could be different from the way I am - I would be.
That message was a very nice thing for me to see. I don't think you're selfish thinking you're alone in your battles - I see myself that way too. Probably because alot of times we just can't make people understand the way we think - the way we feel. They just don't understand that it's not a matter of waking up in the morning and saying - I'm going to be happy today - I am going to be successful. They don't understand the darkness we're lost in. It's kind of like - if you hear a noise and try to explain it to someone. You can still hear the noise in your head but you can't make the sound well enough so that someone else can understand what you heard - Idk - maybe that doesn't make much sense.
I really wish I knew of a listener for you - one that's kind - patient and understanding. Someone who could be there for you. I understand your mind wandering off to the darkness - mine has been lost there a few times and honestly there have been times when I've been really tempted to give up. But somehow we find the strength to keep trying and that shows alot of strength. I still hope and wish so many good things for you Mike.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
I apologise first for delayed reply. Stuffs happened. I apologise again, i think it will be very difficult for me to explain. But I felt strongly i should share. So I tell you what... I write "what happened" but probably without details. - Sucessful or Failed Events.
- Job Hunt (failed) - Mentally not ready, Body felt the need/want to move on, Kept finding when moment of acceptance arrive, either something mishap or something misaligned will rerail entire opportunity. Feeling sucky.
- Mental Break (failed) - Forcedfully went Malaysia (Genting Highlands) some hotel. In a very bad state. Very cold/wet. Mind was full of anxiety and stress and depressed. Very heavy heart due to work result or unable to wait... patiently. End up i felt like i wasted my family's hard earned $
- ANC Headphones (failed) - Unfortuntately, another forced purchase requested. Decision let to fate by my brother. Induces extreme anxiety and claustrophobic.
- Trying to change mentality (failed of course) - Give up stuffs, way i think about family, rules, stuffs, more and more. Change my behaviors, unsustainable behavior/rules, etc...
I'm really sorry to hear that somethings are worse. I understand that though - There are time when things seem fine here but then - IDk - it can go to h*ll pretty quick.
Thanks twistedsoul. It does happen. It just suck.
It think in someways we're alot alike in some of our thinking. Maybe it's just the whole mental health thing. But I know I am not mentally healthy. We got caught up in our depression and our anxiety. We know it's not normal and well I think alot of people think it's just something you can put aside and get over. Maybe some people can but there are those of us who feel so weighed down by it all - it's impossible to do anything more then just survive. I don't if it's something that physically stops us or if it's just our thinking. Believe me if I could be different from the way I am - I would be.
Perhaps, or if not maybe, actually this is what mental health "thing" is all about. Probably just the topics are slightly different and how one-self reacts, behave, respond to one issue. Actually may i say something? (Ignore the next ** lines, if you cannot accept or feels offended, it is ok... and i apologise in advance) ** Mentally Healthy - Actually everyone may be mentally unhealthy in some way. Its just how one manages it or choses how to react to it. Some handle it well, does not allow it affect its life, some well maybe abit, some erm, yea extreme level. Thats all. ** Yea just to survive, that is the painful irritating part. Guessing the toughness of getting it over or trying to "get it" fixed has been also desperate for you too.
That message was a very nice thing for me to see. I don't think you're selfish thinking you're alone in your battles - I see myself that way too. Probably because alot of times we just can't make people understand the way we think - the way we feel. They just don't understand that it's not a matter of waking up in the morning and saying - I'm going to be happy today - I am going to be successful. They don't understand the darkness we're lost in. It's kind of like - if you hear a noise and try to explain it to someone. You can still hear the noise in your head but you can't make the sound well enough so that someone else can understand what you heard - Idk - maybe that doesn't make much sense.
It does make sense to me. I wished that message can be registered or at least accepted by others.
But its just so sad. "We" can only share the message.
I really wish I knew of a listener for you - one that's kind - patient and understanding. Someone who could be there for you. I understand your mind wandering off to the darkness - mine has been lost there a few times and honestly there have been times when I've been really tempted to give up. But somehow we find the strength to keep trying and that shows alot of strength. I still hope and wish so many good things for you Mike.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
Thank you for trying, regardless of the outcome. Dont pressurise yourself. Nor overburden yourself over it. Each of us (got problem or not) have our battles and wars to fight with... Its abit hard to justfiy if we put enough effort or just procrastinate out of it... But then.. well...
Thanks... I cant really remember to be gentle with myself. I think i can only forever stay in this ill-treat manner for my life...
@mikenai22 Hey it's ok, you've nothing to be sorry for.
So wow - I know you see all those as failures - but Mike I have to tell you - I AM SO PROUD OF YOU! Sorry I don't mean to yell - lol but this is so big! I know they may not have been successful but holy crap - these are attempts. All in a short space of time. Ok so the job hunt didn't go well - the fact is you still went out and looked. Ok so the trip was cold and wet - but you still went of a trip! I mean don't get me wrong - it does suck that it didn't work out but the fact is - you did this - please tell me you see how big a deal it is? I don't mean to down play your feelings either and seem invalidating because I know it hurts that things didn't go the way you hoped. This really does make my day though. This shows alot of effort to me. Lol - sorry - I'm alittle over-zealous I guess. I just think it's really great that you went out and tried.
I hope it doesn't offend you for me to wish you a Merry Christmas. I wish for you to have a good day - filled with peace and tranquility. A day for you to be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. A day for you to acknowledge the steps that you have taken - the effort you have put in. Sorry - feeling sentimental I think. Merry Christmas Mike
Dont really know what is wrong. I keep having this feeling that I am losing it. - In the sense of trust.
I know, trust takes time to built.
Takes a long journey to build, Easy to lose quickly.
I don't understand, what is it that I do wrongly. Or what sort of decision that I have made that everyone had lost trust with me.
In short my mom suddenly passed away this year a couple days after my 22nd birthday and I might be spending Christmas alone. My small family has been having a lot going on in their own personal lives and has lead them to be very distant now. I have zero friends and feel very sad and alone. My mom went all out for the holidays every year making it special for us and now Im gonna be alone in my nearly empty apartment for Christmas. My dad and I dont talk other than his occasional drunk text about how he wont ever talk to me and how Im a bad daughter, he has had an alchohol addiction for as long as I can remember. I feel lost in life. Sad and alone. Ive lost my job due to my own mental state and cant afford therapy. I dont know how to be better
@mytwistedsoul
Hey it's ok, you've nothing to be sorry for.
Dont mind if i cut the entire post out.
Hellow TwistedSoul. I can understand. Its just somehow the weird behaviour of wanting to apologise for almost everything. Become so normal that I (we) start apologising for anything small/big.
So wow - I know you see all those as failures - but Mike I have to tell you - I AM SO PROUD OF YOU! Sorry I don't mean to yell - lol but this is so big! I know they may not have been successful but holy crap - these are attempts. All in a short space of time. Ok so the job hunt didn't go well - the fact is you still went out and looked. Ok so the trip was cold and wet - but you still went of a trip! I mean don't get me wrong - it does suck that it didn't work out but the fact is - you did this - please tell me you see how big a deal it is? I don't mean to down play your feelings either and seem invalidating because I know it hurts that things didn't go the way you hoped. This really does make my day though. This shows alot of effort to me. Lol - sorry - I'm alittle over-zealous I guess. I just think it's really great that you went out and tried.
Red - Don't worry. Don't be apologetic. Sometimes I need that kick to wake up or see it.
Blue - Actually some of them i quietly did at the background. Its painful to hide from people. Majorly are known by my family. Sometimes I'm just so exhausted to retype the entire day online, my phone, my journal, my blog. Imagine the effort to reiterate.
Green - Hmm, Somehow negativity only registers in my mind. Its like going the extent and effort, over the barrier hurdle and not getting the desired result. Worse off is that my mind/body chicken'ed out at last minute. Retreating and Hiding. The intent, purpose, objective starts to fog and become unclear.
I dont really see it as down play feelings or what. But its just dissapointing to see failures after failures. Yes... people, life, things, every particle on planet earth goes through phases of life, ups and downs to reach their destinations. But at my (maybe everyone's) current stage and mindset, all i wish for is some light, that I never seen.
Orange - Erm.. Okays. Not sure how but I'm happy for you. Pardon me, I'm kinda soul-less, emotional-less for sometime.
I hope it doesn't offend you for me to wish you a Merry Christmas. I wish for you to have a good day - filled with peace and tranquility. A day for you to be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. A day for you to acknowledge the steps that you have taken - the effort you have put in. Sorry - feeling sentimental I think. Merry Christmas Mike
Don't worry. I'm not offended. I just gave up on holidays. So i kind of shut myself out from it.
Hmm. Instead of feeling sentimental, rather I felt weird. As in why or how come my mind don't process the way you did. Which is someone of normal self would have processed, in a more reflective manner, being grateful. And most importantly thinking in the right sense of direction. Not like just continously dwelling and self-blame all day long.
Thank you for the well concerns and holiday wishes. I hope you have a great day too. Take care, and Merry Christmas to you and your family.
@mikenai22 Hey Mike How are you? Yeah - I know - sort of a stupid question on my part. It's kind of hard to believe it's the stat of a new year. I hope for both of us - that it's a better year than it was last year.
It's hard to say why people don't see the good things - I wonder if maybe it's because we're just wired that way. I often don't see the things I've accomplished either. People will point them out and say yay - look at all the good - but Idk - I feel it should be more or maybe it should be on a larger scale - more noticable or something.
Tbh - to me the holidays are just another day. If anything it makes it so that I notice what's missing more. Family - satisfaction - happiness. Idk - I think it's been a long time since I was happy. I even bought some new tools to do wood work - things I needed to get because some of the other stuff is wearing out - and I have yet to use them. Went as far as to take the stuff out of the box - looked at it - went oh cool and stuck it away. No motivation to do anything. Eh - maybe tomorrow.
You're in my thoughts Mike - be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
Hey Mike How are you? Yeah - I know - sort of a stupid question on my part. It's kind of hard to believe it's the stat of a new year. I hope for both of us - that it's a better year than it was last year.
Hi. twistedsoul. Kinda nauseated, vomiting, not digesting well (at least to say food sticking in stomach... maybe i should really quit or let go of the healthy diet/lifestyle)
Nothings stupid question, you asked probably because you're concerned or need to know why. Otherwise the thought wouldn't have generated.
Well new year, yea. I'm losing track of it. I lost the feelings and mood for holidays, since. Nevertheless thank you for the well hopes. (Though i'm trying excessively hard to believe in - but i dont want to dismay and disappoint you) Hope you have a good year too.
It's hard to say why people don't see the good things - I wonder if maybe it's because we're just wired that way. I often don't see the things I've accomplished either. People will point them out and say yay - look at all the good - but Idk - I feel it should be more or maybe it should be on a larger scale - more noticable or something.
There was some article somewhere that i read previously about it. I'm not sure if its a learnt behavior or because of something else. Its like some character traits that we value and or believe in, tunnels our view such that we put more emphasis on certain aspects. And in the long run it fuels and becomes a very bad habit. Then once we slowly lose focus/direction. Things just becomes norm, resulting in a very unheahtly mind.
Good wise, whether big small or noticable. I guess its personal thing and also perspective. Some value little positivity, while some actually see them as major. So yea.
Tbh - to me the holidays are just another day. If anything it makes it so that I notice what's missing more. Family - satisfaction - happiness. Idk - I think it's been a long time since I was happy. I even bought some new tools to do wood work - things I needed to get because some of the other stuff is wearing out - and I have yet to use them. Went as far as to take the stuff out of the box - looked at it - went oh cool and stuck it away. No motivation to do anything. Eh - maybe tomorrow.
Yea.
Well glad that you managed to replace them. Especially dangerous stuff... like tools, if wearing out, i believe its better to replace. Dont kinda create unnecessary injury due to cost savings.
Well, putting it away for one day, because of motivation issues. Well nothing wrong to be honest. (funny... seeing that I can type that out. yet i cant look at myself that way)
Its ok to give it a try again tommorrow. Sometimes all everyone needs is just a temporary break or disengagement.
You're in my thoughts Mike - be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
Thank you again for the countless reminders, twistedsoul. When will i ever remember to.
@mikenai22 Hey Mike - I hope you're feeling alittle better. I hate getting nauseous - it makes it harder to want to eat anything.
I think on some ways it is learned behavior. Maybe when we were younger and we did things - chores or whatever - maybe what we did wrong was pointed out too harshly. Maybe we were taught to focus more on our failures and what we did wrong - instead of what we may have done right.
Sometimes I feel hopeful and think that it just takes time. But how much time - ya know?
I hope it's ok to ask - how have things been going with the job hunt?
Are you still having pain in your legs? And I know your throat was bothering you. Do you still have to take the antacids?
Be gentle with yourself Mike
@mytwistedsoul
Hey Mike - I hope you're feeling alittle better. I hate getting nauseous - it makes it harder to want to eat anything.
Hello. Inversely, its not. Worse off I'm having lots of suicidal thoughts. (Don't worry, I'm in a safe position. As explained previously.)
Not only the difficulty to eat anything. But rather, the anxiety is adding on to the fuel of the disordered eating habits.
I think on some ways it is learned behavior. Maybe when we were younger and we did things - chores or whatever - maybe what we did wrong was pointed out too harshly. Maybe we were taught to focus more on our failures and what we did wrong - instead of what we may have done right.
Yup. Probably some painful/memorable lesson could have kind of rewired the mentality since young such that it became a "norm" now.
Failures - Well, this i probably don't know. I only know things like good behavior and stuffs. Different culture and upbringing. Here when young we used to learn by the cane. Though I can reflect that my parents were probably much lenient as compared to others.
Sometimes I feel hopeful and think that it just takes time. But how much time - ya know?
Everyone says that things just takes time. - Hiaz. Dead tired.
Although in reality, there is also the saying that everyone's time is different. - I hate this comment, yet it is like the cold hard truth. Even worse off, the one that might be OR actually holding me back. Is me. So to be honest... I actually might just be able to turn things around if i just slap myself and change and move on.
I hope it's ok to ask - how have things been going with the job hunt?
Its ok. Just that I got nothing to share. Not going well.
My mum kept saying its ok. My brother kept.. hiaz...
Now the last comment/thought was to stay low and hold back. - which is continously "fucking" my mind. Like something is not right, and i have to fix it.
But the main problem is that I am not willing to try, change, move on. The fear, etc.
If not actually the possiblities are kinda open. - Although I tried a handful, got a few informal interviews. But did not went through successful. I presume probably because they heard about my medical concern.
Are you still having pain in your legs? And I know your throat was bothering you. Do you still have to take the antacids?
Legs yea, still there. Its kind of painful when I sit, stand, even walk. Although walking well, sometimes I kinda drifted off my mind such that I forgot the pain.
Throat - This problem is another untreatble thing. I asked so many doctors with no favorable reply.
Antacids - This has worsen, i increased the use of it. Kinda dependent on it to remove the mouth unusal taste. Worse off gaviscon is very expensive.
Be gentle with yourself Mike
Thanks twistedsoul. However I guess I never will. Otherwise I think I'll put some effort to. At least to try to remember.
@mikenai22 Wow I have been so horrible with keeping in touch with you. I am so sorry about that. In all honesty I've been having a hard time lately with things and having similar thoughts at times.
The anxiety is hard to deal with - I have an awful hard time with anxiety. It makes me think stupid things - adds to the nausea and makes me avoid things.
My "parents" taught by the cane too - well usually more belts or switches. But it was allways focused on what was done wrong. And for them - everything was wrong.
The waiting is exhausting - and there are times when the weight of everything is just so heavy - it only adds to the tiredness. You're right about the saying - everyones time is different. That doesn't mean we still don't want ours to arrive sooner but yet it's hard to move ahead when we're the ones holding us back. Sometimes I wonder if it's the fear of moving forward - the changes we need to make or if it's the fact that we're so used to where we are that we're comfortable because it's what we know. Idk - I guess that could be debated for months. Sometimes maybe it's just that we're so used to things not working that we just don't see the point in trying. But yet - we have to in order to get past where we are. It's just a huge circle - with the thoughts. And we're so quick to offer people advice but yet we can't seem to follow our own. Like you're telling people to do as I say - not as I do.
I'm sorry the job hunt isn't going well - but I must say that I'm impressed that you tried a few. Even if they weren't successful - you still tried and put forth an effort and put yourself out there.
It really sucks that you're still having all these pains and that no matter what you're doing - sitting or standing - it's still there. Could it be a chronic pain thing like - fibromyalgia? Or - Idk - if your nerve endings are aggravated? It's got to be so frustrating not being "heard" by the doctors. With the bad taste - could it be a bad tooth or I know there's things called tonsil stones that can cause things like that sometimes.
You're in my thoughts Mike - try to be gentle with yourself
@mytwistedsoul
Wow I have been so horrible with keeping in touch with you. I am so sorry about that. In all honesty I've been having a hard time lately with things and having similar thoughts at times.
Hey hey. I believe i mentioned before, its ok. You dont have to feel any obligations on remembering every details or what about me. I dont feel worthy of enough to be of that level of required entitlement. Just be causal along like you always do i think its great. - On the contary, since 7cups changes and stuffs. I been thinking to lay off/disable my account. I understand it can be tough. hence i dont blame you at your check-in timings. Though might feel lonely at times. But I think It should be something that it is comfortable for yourself, not for others.
The anxiety is hard to deal with - I have an awful hard time with anxiety. It makes me think stupid things - adds to the nausea and makes me avoid things.
Yes indeed. I read even more recently that yeah, anxiety/depression can actually induce nausea and even affect gut health. - which i believed you did mention previously too
My "parents" taught by the cane too - well usually more belts or switches. But it was allways focused on what was done wrong. And for them - everything was wrong.
belt. - oh my.
well wrong. depends on how one perceives. and how one wants to train or instill a certain message. cant really enforce.
The waiting is exhausting - and there are times when the weight of everything is just so heavy - it only adds to the tiredness. You're right about the saying - everyones time is different. That doesn't mean we still don't want ours to arrive sooner but yet it's hard to move ahead when we're the ones holding us back. Sometimes I wonder if it's the fear of moving forward - the changes we need to make or if it's the fact that we're so used to where we are that we're comfortable because it's what we know. Idk - I guess that could be debated for months. Sometimes maybe it's just that we're so used to things not working that we just don't see the point in trying. But yet - we have to in order to get past where we are. It's just a huge circle - with the thoughts. And we're so quick to offer people advice but yet we can't seem to follow our own. Like you're telling people to do as I say - not as I do.
exhausting. - 100% agree. I think I exposed enough of my mental/physical wellness in this and other threads.
what can i say about holding myself back - no idea... only one thing i guess. - just "f...ing" do it. - its always the start that is difficult
fear - for me, defintely. comfort well it is too, but i think that is 2nd to fear for me.
I'm sorry the job hunt isn't going well - but I must say that I'm impressed that you tried a few. Even if they weren't successful - you still tried and put forth an effort and put yourself out there.
its ok. many times i felt like giving up. cause i dont even wanna continue living, searching for life, or whatever. felt so pointless. yet i cannot affort to hurt others. which kinda made me trapped.
i understand about the part of continuous trying, but seeing the results just does not seem to aid... all it does is just make me feel worse about myself.
It really sucks that you're still having all these pains and that no matter what you're doing - sitting or standing - it's still there. Could it be a chronic pain thing like - fibromyalgia? Or - Idk - if your nerve endings are aggravated? It's got to be so frustrating not being "heard" by the doctors. With the bad taste - could it be a bad tooth or I know there's things called tonsil stones that can cause things like that sometimes.
Not sure... all i know is that the GPs that I have consulted, kept pushing me to go see psychiatrist. and dont even recommend any others. this sucks. and for me, i also felt very exhausted that i dont want to see any doctors anymore. wasting money, time, resources, energy and worse damaging my mentality and relationship with doctors.
You're in my thoughts Mike - try to be gentle with yourself
Thanks twistedsoul. You should also consider to put more energy and time for yourself.
@mikenai22 Hey Mike - I've been seeing you around here and there and I'm sorry things are so rough for you.
I can understand what you mean about the continuous trying - with the end result - it just make you feel worse. It takes alot of energy to get yourself together to go to a job interview and it has to be really frustrating to keep doing this and not getting any positive results. Is there something you could do - IDk - voluntary work - something that would make you feel like you're doing something fulfilling? Something that would - idk - just give you something to do.
I wish you had access to a different health care system. Access to someone who would listen to everything you're saying instead of just assuming you need mental help. I can't imagine how all of this makes you feel. No wonder you're so frustrated and everything feels so pointless. I am glad to see you still pushing through though - still holding on.
You're in my thoughts often Mike - I still wish good things for you
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
Hey Mike - I've been seeing you around here and there and I'm sorry things are so rough for you.
Hello, wow you noticed. Thanks twistedsoul. - I havent been in tune with myself, not really present in doing anything.
i kinda let go of my "restriction" and "ego" of holding back 7cups member oath - to entre group support.
hiaz twistedsoul - its ok. dont have to be sorry. it just sucks only for me. to not give myself a chance.
I can understand what you mean about the continuous trying - with the end result - it just make you feel worse. It takes alot of energy to get yourself together to go to a job interview and it has to be really frustrating to keep doing this and not getting any positive results. Is there something you could do - IDk - voluntary work - something that would make you feel like you're doing something fulfilling? Something that would - idk - just give you something to do.
Talking about work. I kinda, pushed myself to try one more time. just few hours ago... got a call. but the location is kinda at very near my old work place. and its kinda triggering. yet i dont wanna give up the opportunity.
Cant really decide. felt like giving up (Mind says 90% give up vs 10%) (Heart says 90% just do it vs 10% give up)
Voluntary - I cant really find something that kinda suit... my "okays" i.e. cook, location, timing, sociality, etc.
I know its to find something to do better than dwell in front of the computer daily... - although it is something i really like. But of recent i noticed this trend of stupidlity of wasting time. yet i felt better than doing others. but forcing myself to do "other" stuffs than computer gave even better satisfication, but reap very detrimental physical issues.
I wish you had access to a different health care system. Access to someone who would listen to everything you're saying instead of just assuming you need mental help. I can't imagine how all of this makes you feel. No wonder you're so frustrated and everything feels so pointless. I am glad to see you still pushing through though - still holding on.
I dont know - Honest.
It might be me who is the problem, and not wanting to accept. Hmm, thanks for reminding me about the continuous in pushing through - i never seem to notice it. Neither nor anyone close to me pointing it out. I also noticed that I am unable to hold proper communication to anyone.
You're in my thoughts often Mike - I still wish good things for you
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
Hey twistedsoul. Whenever you convey messages like "Thoughts", "Gentle", "Hope", somehow it just calms me down and for some unknown reason it eases and made me feels better. - i Dont know if it is placebo or comendation or show off or what. - The weight of the message felt so much stronger as compared to the messages and negativity that is around me.
How i wished if this "positive energy" can be flowed to me daily as compared to reality here in my zone - guess we are so far worlds apart. compared to the negative space that i am constricted to. - yes i am not a tree, i can move. but many claimed, its not time for me.
@mikenai22 I'm really glad to see you going around on the sight. Giving and getting support. There's nothing wrong with it in my opinion. Many hands make heavy work light.
Wow Thats great but kind of not huh? I know some time has past so I wonder what you decided? I was going to suggest maybe giving it a try - like a trial run. Just to see how it fits. But I really do understand getting triggered. At the same time it's also hard to really put yourself out there when you aren't feeling well.
I think sometimes when we aren't being heard we end up just keeping our mouths shut. It's hard to tell people and explain to them how it is that we feel. I know I have times when I feel as though I just keep saying the same thing over and over again. So I end up silencing myself because I'm tired of hearing my own words. But silence gets us no where too.
You do run through my mind Mike - everyday believe it or not. Sometimes it might be a recipe I see or maybe a blender or something. But you are in my thoughts. It makes me happy that those words from me help calm you. I do mean them. I wish so much that I could help you find some peace and have you feeling better.
It may not be time for you know But we have to keep hope that your time will come soon - yeah?
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
I'm really glad to see you going around on the sight. Giving and getting support. There's nothing wrong with it in my opinion. Many hands make heavy work light.
Don't know...
I get that feeling that something is wrong.
Somehow it is also in a way fueling my thoughts.
Its like the more I interface with it. The more my mind gets occupied with it.
Wow Thats great but kind of not huh? I know some time has past so I wonder what you decided? I was going to suggest maybe giving it a try - like a trial run. Just to see how it fits. But I really do understand getting triggered. At the same time it's also hard to really put yourself out there when you aren't feeling well.
I don't really know.
One hand, i feel that i might lose all my data. If i back'ed it up, i might just complusively read them for the sake of reading.
On another, i feel that if i let go off, i might brace something new. Fresh Air. But I might start to lose my way, lose my focus, lost of the constant kind "reminders" that i kind of need.
On another hand, i might even just fall back to my past...
I think sometimes when we aren't being heard we end up just keeping our mouths shut. It's hard to tell people and explain to them how it is that we feel. I know I have times when I feel as though I just keep saying the same thing over and over again. So I end up silencing myself because I'm tired of hearing my own words. But silence gets us no where too.
That's me. At least part of it feels like my past. I just kept everything in heart.
Pointless to keep harping. while nothing changes.
Yea, i can understand that doing nothing, means no output. But result may become disastrous. i.e. The "Mike" Now.
You do run through my mind Mike - everyday believe it or not. Sometimes it might be a recipe I see or maybe a blender or something. But you are in my thoughts. It makes me happy that those words from me help calm you. I do mean them. I wish so much that I could help you find some peace and have you feeling better.
I have been wondering, how do yourself and wise one put in the effort to be mindful of me.
Its so... hard. although sometimes i really wished for a response from yourself or wise one. Just to bring some spirits up.
It may not be time for you know But we have to keep hope that your time will come soon - yeah?
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
I really wish, twistedsoul... I really am.
You know just the other day. hiaz. very hard to openly discuss here...
Nevertheless thank you again. I duno how many times i need to repeat, but if i still can breathe in front of my keyboard.. i will just repeat... my thanks.
Hopefully one day i can truly mindfully appreciate and be grateful to both of you.
@mytwistedsoul @NoneTheWiser
@mikenai22 Hey Mike - thought I'd visit you here now :)
Do you think that some of it has to do with - Idk - maybe not being the only one going through things? Kind of like we get stuck in the mentality that we alone are just the only ones going through things? And now you see you aren't and it kind of makes you feel kind of overwhelmed. Allmost like a huge holy crap moment?
I kind of think maybe that where alot of us run into trouble - we hold things in our hearts. We sometimes take things to personally and if someone is having a bad day and maybe says something in a certain tone or uses certain words it hurts us. But we don't say anything - maybe because we feel bad for it or maybe because we can't find the words to explain how it made us feel. In away it does seem pointless - I know alot of times I feel like all I do is complain about the same stuff over and over again. But it's better to let it out - then it is to hold it inside.
I think of you as a friend Mike - aside from people on here - I don't have any other friends. As my friend I care about you. You don't need to say thank you - you really don't. We're just a bunch of friends - friends care and look after one another. With out any conditions or expectations.
I know it can be really hard to share thing here - because of it being an open forum - anyone can read what we write. But I want you to know that - anything you'd like to share with me is safe. I'm a really open minded person and I give you my word - I won't judge or laugh about anything important you have to say.
Be gentle with yourself Mike and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
Hey Mike - thought I'd visit you here now :)
Hello twistedsoul. Don't feel obligated. Chime in whenever you feel like it.
Do you think that some of it has to do with - Idk - maybe not being the only one going through things? Kind of like we get stuck in the mentality that we alone are just the only ones going through things? And now you see you aren't and it kind of makes you feel kind of overwhelmed. Allmost like a huge holy crap moment?
It is. I noticed I have this habit. Once something turns into kind of a habit or used to it - almost like a comfort feeling. I'll just repeat it. and then start goes the grinding and overwhelming mind. its like i want to "quit" out of it sometimes, but cant. cause it has somehow became a lifestyle, whether i like it or not.
I kind of think maybe that where alot of us run into trouble - we hold things in our hearts. We sometimes take things to personally and if someone is having a bad day and maybe says something in a certain tone or uses certain words it hurts us. But we don't say anything - maybe because we feel bad for it or maybe because we can't find the words to explain how it made us feel. In away it does seem pointless - I know alot of times I feel like all I do is complain about the same stuff over and over again. But it's better to let it out - then it is to hold it inside.
well, it depends on individuals and management. me? yea, i'm well known for allowing my emotions taking over me.
regarding letting it out, i dont really know. its like i duno who is the right person to really talk to. no matter how hard i been trying, its like so difficult to find a golden person that has "all answers" - Sorry twistedsoul, i hope you dont take it wrongly...
I think of you as a friend Mike - aside from people on here - I don't have any other friends. As my friend I care about you. You don't need to say thank you - you really don't. We're just a bunch of friends - friends care and look after one another. With out any conditions or expectations.
Somehow I kept forgetting. I dont really know why.
Guess you caught me that i am about the say words that my mind told me to.
For me, my deifnition and mentality of friends, is still totally wrong. Kinda feel like i am abusing the opportunities.
I know it can be really hard to share thing here - because of it being an open forum - anyone can read what we write. But I want you to know that - anything you'd like to share with me is safe. I'm a really open minded person and I give you my word - I won't judge or laugh about anything important you have to say.
Be gentle with yourself Mike and your thoughts
Well its not like i dont wanna share nor about trust, I have nothing to lose. But my concern is the information, because of the nature of the forum such that the information is not safe to be discussed here.
Thanks again twistedsoul, you too take care.
@mikenai22 I think I understand that - we get comfortable in the familiarity of things. Comfort in the habits - allmost like how people with OCD have to do things to feel comfortable. Has anyone mentioned that maybe you have OCD?
No offense taken - maybe there isn't just one golden person. Maybe it's a bunch of people offering advice and support. Because I don't think there is any one person that has all the answers
I don't think you're abusing anything. And there's alot of times that we do forget there are people rooting for us. Especially since in most cases - they're all online. It's not like they're people stopping over for coffee. Allthough at times I do think it would be cool if there was a way for us all to meet. Other times not so much because it would feel pretty awkward.
I think it was really neat what you did for mysticserendipity. I know he really enjoyed it too. That was a really nice thing to do. And if it helped calm your mind - thats a good thing. I find colors and patterns are soothing at time and if I remember correctly - that's something to do with OCD too. If that's the case you could be doing some of the things and be stuck where you are because of it. It's not your fault Mike. It has something to do with faulty brain circuitry. CBT can help with it and there are medications that help. There are a bunch of video's for CBT on youtube. It's possible you've allready seen them though. If you haven't - it's just a thought - yeah?
I can understand that - with sharing things on here. You have to do what's comfortable for you. No pressure - ever
Be gentle with yourself Mike and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
I think I understand that - we get comfortable in the familiarity of things. Comfort in the habits - allmost like how people with OCD have to do things to feel comfortable. Has anyone mentioned that maybe you have OCD?
I do noticed some of my behaviours are OCD-ish. Especially in my younger days, some of my weird habits are habituals or OCD induced. But slowly somehow i weaned off it.
Weird things like, washing hands again, checking if electricals are powered off again is like the state of questioning the mind if i have had done it kind.
No offense taken - maybe there isn't just one golden person. Maybe it's a bunch of people offering advice and support. Because I don't think there is any one person that has all the answers
I just dont like the fact that I have to constantly seek, search, find, fight, and you know, things aren't going anywhere. Look where, what, I am now. Totally no where, still at here ever since.
I don't think you're abusing anything. And there's alot of times that we do forget there are people rooting for us. Especially since in most cases - they're all online. It's not like they're people stopping over for coffee. Allthough at times I do think it would be cool if there was a way for us all to meet. Other times not so much because it would feel pretty awkward.
On the contary, especially this area of "online". Where it is easy to engage and disengage from. I sometimes start to wary and worry if i should also put 99.99% or 100% hopes on it.
Meet? Sure there are ways, it is more of whether or not oneself want to, willing to, and can accept the meetup. Along with the endless possibilities, pros and cons that can just happen.
I think it was really neat what you did for mysticserendipity. I know he really enjoyed it too. That was a really nice thing to do. And if it helped calm your mind - thats a good thing. I find colors and patterns are soothing at time and if I remember correctly - that's something to do with OCD too. If that's the case you could be doing some of the things and be stuck where you are because of it. It's not your fault Mike. It has something to do with faulty brain circuitry. CBT can help with it and there are medications that help. There are a bunch of video's for CBT on youtube. It's possible you've allready seen them though. If you haven't - it's just a thought - yeah?
Thank you, although i know i kind of can do it better. But I probably need to do deep dive research. Plus i'm still kinda concerned with information sensitivity, cause its in my own personal account.
Hope he (if its a he?) certainly did. I wont say it calm'ed my mind, but i used it to distract for that 30-45mins.
What I do noticed after sometime, is that when i have "task" to do, and i kinda pushed myself to it (i.e. replying to all the notifications in 7cups) i tend to forget about other stuffs, i.e. food, exercise, complusive, etc. although somehow it hurts once in a while kind of thing in terms of pain, worry, etc. But then these "tasks" gets repetitive and draining over time that my mind switches off, worse off that as of recent times my physical also starts switching off.
CBT - well, heard of, read abit but not really that good in practising it. perhaps if i have some time i'll explore again.
I can understand that - with sharing things on here. You have to do what's comfortable for you. No pressure - ever
Maybe since not much traffic in this thread, I'll share one quick short summary, and i hope it does not trigger you. I decolor'ed it below for sensitive information
I saw someone dead on the ground, opposite my block. Which closest assumption i can come up is suicide - because of the loud bang i heard minutes earlier. I did not witness the act. But the thoughts had been tramatising, haunting, heavy in me. Especially when I have the same thoughts too - yet I cant do it. I explained to people around me but nothing they can do to help me.
Be gentle with yourself Mike and your thoughts
Appreciate your kind thoughts and acts twistedsoul.
@mikenai22 Hey Mike - I apologize. I could have swore I replied to you and it seems I either didn't or it got lost in cyberspace. I hate when that happens
I hope you can see now how much that person enjoys and appreciates you taking the time to do that for him. Sometimes distractions are a good thing - if for nothing else other then to pass the time. I just think it's really nice of you do that for him - it was very thoughtful and considerate
What you shared with me here - wasn't triggering for me. But I imagine it must have been quite a shock for you seeing that. Especially hearing the sound before hand. It has one of the most memorable sounds. I'm sorry that noone talked to you about it. And it may be that it's not so much you want to do the same thing - you just want the hurt to stop. You want to enjoy life - free from pain and torment. So feeling that way but seeing the finality of the actual act it self would be traumatizing. Leave you conflicted maybe
I wanted to ask what you decided about that job? Even if you didn't take it - it's really good that you put yourself out there and tried. Alittle boost to your self confidence maybe? Allthough there was probably alot of other emotions too
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
Hey Mike - I apologize. I could have swore I replied to you and it seems I either didn't or it got lost in cyberspace. I hate when that happens
Hey twistedsoul. Its ok. Small thingy. Still you've checked back and replied. Don't self-blame for it. Not worth it.
I hope you can see now how much that person enjoys and appreciates you taking the time to do that for him. Sometimes distractions are a good thing - if for nothing else other then to pass the time. I just think it's really nice of you do that for him - it was very thoughtful and considerate
I was kind of shocked at how the person responded. As in like i was not expecting a response like that. Yet he/she replied in a very kind and appreciative manner.
About distractions, well I felt that it has been. kinda too long for me? as in like almost anything i been doing now is just like a distraction i feel.
Thank you for your kind thoughts.
What you shared with me here - wasn't triggering for me. But I imagine it must have been quite a shock for you seeing that. Especially hearing the sound before hand. It has one of the most memorable sounds. I'm sorry that noone talked to you about it. And it may be that it's not so much you want to do the same thing - you just want the hurt to stop. You want to enjoy life - free from pain and torment. So feeling that way but seeing the finality of the actual act it self would be traumatizing. Leave you conflicted maybe
Well, sound is one thing. But rather the haunting part is un-erase-able the "image" and the "memory" of the scene. Well, for now i can only say that the torment is tearing me both ways. Its like one side wants peace another wants solution. Be it a quick fix or whatever its a solution that "solves" problems - regardless of outcome.
Been repeating also that I cant truly see or view the wants/needs of myself. Be it goals, life, direction, fulfillment, desire, whatever. Hence seeing an misfortunate incident, only fuels the mind by adding it like a reasonable resolution option to a problem.
I wanted to ask what you decided about that job? Even if you didn't take it - it's really good that you put yourself out there and tried. Alittle boost to your self confidence maybe? Allthough there was probably alot of other emotions too
Sorry.. I didn't. You may assume as i chicken'ed out. Or maybe fear got into me again.
I pushed myself multiple times, but always end up running away when/before sending or trying.
I would say more of indecisiveness and not knowing myself or giving myself a chance.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
Thank you, and as always take care twistedsoul.
@mikenai22 Hey Mike - It's ok to be fearful with the new job. I don't think of it as chickening out. You still tried and that takes courage.
I really do understand what you mean - with what you witness. Kind of like it pulls you but repels you at the same time. I get drawn to that sometimes - i just want to feel peace and sometimes I think I'd do anything to get it
OldSerendipityBoat really did enjoy it and seems to enjoy when you visit his thread. It's really is nice to see you reaching out to other people.
I wanted to ask - does it help you see that you aren't so alone? Like on my thread - the things you may have read - I know I'm kind of messed up mentally - but it helps me to know that I'm not alone with some of what I struggle with. We all have our battles inside and while they may be different things we're fighting - we're all fighting something. Idk - I guess I thought maybe it would help you have compassion for yourself with what you're going through
Be gentle with yourself MIke and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
Hey Mike - It's ok to be fearful with the new job. I don't think of it as chickening out. You still tried and that takes courage.
I wonder if i did it for the sake of it or am i checking some unfufilled boxes or am i truly geniune.
It just felt so bad. One moment like I felt great for trying it, one moment I felt like chickening out, another moment I felt like I wasted my opportunities.
I really do understand what you mean - with what you witness. Kind of like it pulls you but repels you at the same time. I get drawn to that sometimes - i just want to feel peace and sometimes I think I'd do anything to get it
Appreciate your understanding. Still happens to me once in a while. Nothing I can do to take it off. Especially when I walk past it (the area) almost daily. Or rather just viewable right outside of the kitchen window.
OldSerendipityBoat really did enjoy it and seems to enjoy when you visit his thread. It's really is nice to see you reaching out to other people.
Hope so. Honestly, I cant really tell between right, wrong, true, false, etc. This character of mine is what led me to easily trampled with during my employed days.
I don't know if i should really continue. Sometimes I feel like i should really just stop, and move on.
I wanted to ask - does it help you see that you aren't so alone? Like on my thread - the things you may have read - I know I'm kind of messed up mentally - but it helps me to know that I'm not alone with some of what I struggle with. We all have our battles inside and while they may be different things we're fighting - we're all fighting something. Idk - I guess I thought maybe it would help you have compassion for yourself with what you're going through
Its not about the I'm alone in the war of mine and seeking for some comfort/consolance.
But rather its the sadness that others are facing difficulties and I am here pushing more pain to them. Them as in not only yourself inclusive, pressing others like in real and digital life.
I'm not gona judge you based on your writings - Not that I dont care, please dont... be mis-understood. But it just sad, and that I am kinda adding more load to others, when they have their own.
For myself, i don't really know what is the "thing" i am seeking for. Compassion? Solutions? Answers? Peace? Whatever? Or is it some sort of complusive behavior/habit that i mindlessly created that became unhealthy. This war of mine, this daily struggles, its like i'm going against the grind every single moment of my life. I been wondering, is it worth the effort? is it what I want? is it correct/wrong (no right/wrong - yea i know)? what should i really be doing? but if I follow the should instead of my mind/heart/soul, it just does not seem to run well. its like a strong resistance with every single thing.
Be gentle with yourself MIke and your thoughts
twistedsoul. why i always forget this.
thank you.
@mikenai22 Hi Mike.
I can understand that. While it might be hard to say one way or another. I look at it as an accomplishment. Instead of staying at home in your room, you did try. Maybe it was just to check off the box, you still went to the effort of going and submitting a resume. The fact that they called back for an interveiw says that they saw something worthy in it. That says something good about you as a person.
It would be hard to have that stuck in your mind when your so close to where it happened. It's a constant. You can't get away from it. That would play on my imagination. The thoughts of what if, toying with the idea of whether I could do something so final like that.
The grandparents used to have a saying, "many hands make heavy work light". While we're all here for one reason or another. There is strength in numbers. We share our burdens. In going around and offering support to others, in many ways it's helpful to us. It allows us to connect with others who are also going through difficult times. Helps us to not feel so alone. And in some cases, leads to feeling good because we may have made someone's day by reaching out to them. I really am glad to see you being more active here. I'm sure it has led to conflicting feeling for you though. It's okay to want companionship and understanding. I think in some ways, it helps with the self compassion. If other people understand what we're saying and feeling and their alright with it, then perhaps it's okay for us to be okay with it too. I, myself, really do see it as a good thing.
Be gentle with yourself Mike, and your thoughts.
Im 17& Im a girl. Id say Ive always been pretty sad. Nobody really notices it because Im actually really good at hiding it. I feel like Im a very private person? I dont like it when people are in my business but I do feel a weight lifted off of my shoulders when people ask me if Im alright you know? Cause it shows they care. Idk, life has been hitting me ever since my boyfriend died. He was addicted to drugs but was really good at hiding it cause I dont think he wanted to worry me. I always thought he was avoiding me cause he was with other girls and would always argue with him over girls when in reality he was somewhere getting high and just didnt want me to know.. my friends were awful support. They always told me to get over it cause everyone dies eventually and I would just get quiet cause its not like theyre wrong, but it just hurt me more and made me want to pass. Im a junior in high school and I met him in 7th grade. He passed on the 11th of September. Its only been 6 months and Im still really sad about it. I cry every night cause I loved him so much. And I never really got to say that to him cause I realized how much pride I had when it came to him. I never expressed how I felt about him cause he was the boy everyone wanted and I thought maybe if I let him express how he felt about me itll make me feel better in a way. Idk if Im making sense. Im just fucking sad and I miss him. Im to young to feel like this, feel like straight shit.
Well, call it fear food, call it bad food, call it junk food, call it non-vegan, call it not clean, call it high calories, call it dairy, (yes I cant seem to tolerate it), call it whatever, etc.
I got permission from my parents to 花钱消灾 - To put it bluntly, spending money to solve problems.
I took it as another meaning to attempt to "ease" my noisy mind that I disliked it, but I just wanted to get it over and done with.
Stupid rules.
I won't say I enjoyed it or whatever. But done is done.
Gotta deal with the rest...
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If the below embeded link fails - https://imgur.com/a/bKCm7MK
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@mytwistedsoul
Hey Logan, I thought I let you know that I have temporary disabled my member account (mikenai22) and will move on to listener-only account (current one)
I wont know if it will improve my mentality or sort but will just try it out. Will update you if I change anything.
Don't worry I will still be around. Should I really move on from 7cups, I too will update.
@mikenai Thanks for letting me know :) I like your avatar btw
@mytwistedsoul
Don't worry about it.
Ah well, that avatar icon, I had been thinking what happened to it all along with the member account.
Then realised because it got attached to the account name instead.
So previously when support team got mixed up, and I too end up not sure what went wrong too... and didnt bother with logo anymore.
