Lost
[+/-] I think I'm done.
[-] Nothing seems to work.
[+] I am living someone else's life.
[-] Never once mine.
[+] Everything is processed by the brain.
[-] None by the heart.
[+] Even this post. The way I write... somehow must rhyme.
[-] Hiaz, Why am I this way.
[+] What did I do wrongly in the first place.
[-] Oh well, forget about it. Who cares.
@mytwistedsoul @NoneTheWiser
Hi.
I don't know if i should log in and post.
But I dont feel good. Generally.
I know we "discussed" before. Things take time. There will be good and bad days.
Hiaz. I dont really know. It just sucks.
@mytwistedsoul @NoneTheWiser
hi twistedsoul and wise one.
Been wanting to say hi, I dont really know what is going on.
That sense of feeling of something is wrong is coming back.
It is very tough to "rest", while the mind just wants to keep going.
Dealing with un-satisfication, acceptance, contentment or rather "enough is enough". Its very sad.
@mikenai22 Hey Mike - Sorry it's been a while. I've been meaning to get a reply to you but I haven't been in the best of places with myself. I hear you - it is so hard to rest when all you do is think and think and think.
When you say about the feeling of something being wrong - is it anxiety kicking in? That feeling of impending doom or like you're waiting for the bottom to fall our.
I'm sorry to hear about the unsatisfaction and acceptance and contentment. You're not alone with that. Just a feeling of constant restlessness - turmoil I guess. I wish I know what to tell you.
Sorry I didn't have more to tell you. You have been in my thoughts though.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
Hey Mike - Sorry it's been a while. I've been meaning to get a reply to you but I haven't been in the best of places with myself. I hear you - it is so hard to rest when all you do is think and think and think.
Dont worry about it twistedsoul. Everyone has their days. Its never easy to have things "so perfect". Our(s) expectation should be adjusted to not have improper thinking about it.
Despite your troubles, you still responded in. Thank you again twistedsoul.
I do aware of my selfish-ness to "hope" for a response from you in utmost urgency... which is not a nice mentality and expectation to have.
When you say about the feeling of something being wrong - is it anxiety kicking in? That feeling of impending doom or like you're waiting for the bottom to fall our.
i dont really know if it is "anxiety that you are referring to. its more like i just feel kinda that things are not correct. Things as in the way i am living, the lifestyle i am following, the events, issues that is going on with me now.
it just does not feel right. yet i refuse to change and move on.
I'm sorry to hear about the unsatisfaction and acceptance and contentment. You're not alone with that. Just a feeling of constant restlessness - turmoil I guess. I wish I know what to tell you.
Its ok. I am appreciative that you understood the feeling. No one (close ones/others around me) seem to understand what i been expressing.
Sorry I didn't have more to tell you. You have been in my thoughts though.
Hey dont be hard on yourself. Being here actually is good enough. Now to add on, that when you say that I am in your thoughts. Its way even more. I wonder if anyone else (as in not 7cups..) has similar thoughts.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
Thanks again twistedsoul. I cant seem to keep reminding myself.
@mikenai22 It's not selfish to hope for a response. It's nice to feel heard - nice to know you aren't alone.
Ok I think I understand - You see the things that are wrong with your life and wrong with the things that you're doing but yet - you're almost helpless to change them. Mainly because - where do you start? How do you start? I mean people can give tips on how to do things but it's hard to explain that it doesn't feel right. Almost as if your mind is split down the middle and all they do is argue constantly. It feels like you're in a constant tug of war with yourself. Do I or don't I? Should I or shouldn't I? The oubt an second guessing is always there.
I think there probably is a few people here who have gotten close enough - that they wonder how someone else is. I know we only know each other here but we have talked for a few months. I do consider you a friend. So as my friend I worry about you and wonder how you're doing.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. We're always here for you.
@mytwistedsoul
It's not selfish to hope for a response. It's nice to feel heard - nice to know you aren't alone.
I dont truly know the right answer. Its just that feeling.
Ok I think I understand - You see the things that are wrong with your life and wrong with the things that you're doing but yet - you're almost helpless to change them. Mainly because - where do you start? How do you start? I mean people can give tips on how to do things but it's hard to explain that it doesn't feel right. Almost as if your mind is split down the middle and all they do is argue constantly. It feels like you're in a constant tug of war with yourself. Do I or don't I? Should I or shouldn't I? The oubt an second guessing is always there.
Red - Well explained. I cant explain much better. Extremely exhausted from it.
I think there probably is a few people here who have gotten close enough - that they wonder how someone else is. I know we only know each other here but we have talked for a few months. I do consider you a friend. So as my friend I worry about you and wonder how you're doing.
Wow... I never even had such thoughts.
I wonder if i have/had geniuely bring myself out.
But hearing how you explained. I am very appreciative of your concern and sincerity.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. We're always here for you.
Hiaz, twistedsoul... its so difficult. Thank you as always.
@mikenai22 Just want to say hey and see how you are. I know this constant battle has you tired and exhausted. Frustrated too.
You're a good person Mike - you deserve to find peace and happiness.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
Just want to say hey and see how you are. I know this constant battle has you tired and exhausted. Frustrated too.
hello. yes indeed. and puzzling with confusion.
these few days (or is it weeks) i have just been numbing myself.
full of questions...
You're a good person Mike - you deserve to find peace and happiness.
1. Thank you.
2. I dont think i deserve the commendation.
3. Neither nor i feel that i deserve the peace nor happiness. The journey has been tough. Had been tough. and never fruitful. I know the saying, never give up, never stop searching, everyone has different timing. It has been very exhaustive and i wish i can just have the "answers" so i can stop/break and move on.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
Thanks twistedsoul.
You too take care.
@mikenai22 Hey - I know what you mean - I've been trying to get things to go numb myself. I'm tird of feeling so many conflicting emotions lately. Tired of being unsure of what to do.
I feel you do deserve peace and happiness - because your journey has been so tough - because you have been trying so hard to find answers. I sometimes though - that we feel maybe we've done something and that this is our punishment. Idk - maybe we think we're bad people - maybe we feel we've done something to deserve this. Life just shouldn't be this complicated. We shouldn't have to fight so hard with ourselves to make the changes we need or want.
Thanks Mike - Sometimes - Idk - I guess I need to hear it too.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
Hey - I know what you mean - I've been trying to get things to go numb myself. I'm tird of feeling so many conflicting emotions lately. Tired of being unsure of what to do.
Okays. Then i dont need to explain further. I guess we actually are pretty much in sync. (although i know there are certainly more...)
I feel you do deserve peace and happiness - because your journey has been so tough - because you have been trying so hard to find answers. I sometimes though - that we feel maybe we've done something and that this is our punishment. Idk - maybe we think we're bad people - maybe we feel we've done something to deserve this. Life just shouldn't be this complicated. We shouldn't have to fight so hard with ourselves to make the changes we need or want.
Pink - I'm not sure. I don't feel the freedom, support, entitlement, permission to derserve it. Looking at how things had been going. I doubt my society nor family is giving me such opportunities.
Red - My thoughts, most of the time.
Green - I'm not so sure about the bad people comment. But rather, i kept having this feeling that, perhaps something, a choice, a decision, of mine (ours) that is misaligned, or wronged (as deemed by society or external) such that we deserve the penalty that I (we) are experiencing now.
Orange - To be honest, I (we) have been fighting. But I (not sure about yourself/everyone else) dont know what i am fighting for, my goals, directions, what i really want. Why I even started in the first place. Who am i proving to? Do i even need to prove to?
Thanks Mike - Sometimes - Idk - I guess I need to hear it too.
Guess its better to have that support. Time to time.
Otherwise, by accident, might just drop off, unwillingly if caught off guard.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
Thank you. twistedsoul.
@mikenai22 Hey How are you?
Time has gotten away from me this week. Well - sort of. This has been just very bad week for me. Just kind of keeping to myself.
Man I have to say - you and I are alot alike with our thinking. I think sometimes we just try so hard to live up to the expectations of everyone else - we sort of lose ourselves along the way. We get so focused on what everyone else one's for or from us - by the time we realize it's about us - we can't find our way back. You're right with the green part. I do think sometimes that I've done something to deserve every bad thing that comes my way. Idk - maybe I'm just a bad soul.
I don't think you should be doing anything for anyone other then yourself. You have to do what feels right to you. What you feel is in your best interests. What makes you happy?
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts - Take care of yourself
@mytwistedsoul
Hey How are you?
Hi twistedsoul.
Time has gotten away from me this week. Well - sort of. This has been just very bad week for me. Just kind of keeping to myself.
It must be tough for you to go through it.
I hope that you will be able to get over it soon and that a better week/time to come for you ahead.
Man I have to say - you and I are alot alike with our thinking. I think sometimes we just try so hard to live up to the expectations of everyone else - we sort of lose ourselves along the way. We get so focused on what everyone else one's for or from us - by the time we realize it's about us - we can't find our way back. You're right with the green part. I do think sometimes that I've done something to deserve every bad thing that comes my way. Idk - maybe I'm just a bad soul.
I wonder if I (maybe you like to also) to "ease" off the mentality of pleasing others. But rather to be able to live up to please/achieve/answer what I (yourself) truly wants.
And most importantly is to not lose focus... (Red) which i am totally aware of. Yet it is very easy to slip off.
Blue - This is probably because, we kinda instilled/programmed our mind, our behaviour to work in a certain manner such that it developed into a comfort/habitual thing... So by time of realisation, even if we want to back off or change. It becomes challenging. BUT, first step is realising it, which i felt it is also an important factor.
I don't think you should be doing anything for anyone other then yourself. You have to do what feels right to you. What you feel is in your best interests. What makes you happy?
I dont know. I cant feel it anymore.
I only know one thing for sure. It hurts.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts - Take care of yourself
Thank you. Hope you can get over your bad week soon, and look after yourself (and perhaps some self-care time for yourself).
@mikenai22 Hi Mike, How are you?
It's been a little longer than I intended again. Unfortunately this week has been just as bad as the last but I am still hopeful that it will get better.
You are so right on many levels here. With trying t please ourselves instead of trying to please others. It's not easy to do though is it? I think a lot of that probably comes from the fact that we base so much of our self worth on what others think of us. How they see us. We judge our perceptions by the perceptions of others.
I'm sorry to hear that you're hurting so much. You're not alone with this. I know it doesn't help much but you aren't alone. It's hard to know what we should do with ourselves and our emotions, sometimes because they are so conflicting. Between what we want, what we know and what we feel. Then we take into concideration what others want from us. What the expect. It makes everything so complicated.
Are you doing anything for self care for yourself? How have your pains been, with your muscles and your throat? Has your exercises gotten any easier or better?
We're still here for you MIke, still here to help in anyway we can. We can limp along in this together.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts.
@mytwistedsoul
Hi Mike, How are you?
Hi twisedsoul. I cant answer. It just did not feel right.
Been asking permission from brother/mother to "change".
Asking for hope that they do not judge.
Feels so wrong.
It's been a little longer than I intended again. Unfortunately this week has been just as bad as the last but I am still hopeful that it will get better.
Dont worry. Whether you reply or not it is ok.
I hope for you too that it will be better. Dont give up on it.
Shit... and here i am giving up.
You are so right on many levels here. With trying t please ourselves instead of trying to please others. It's not easy to do though is it? I think a lot of that probably comes from the fact that we base so much of our self worth on what others think of us. How they see us. We judge our perceptions by the perceptions of others.
It aint easy. Never was. Perhaps its the mentality that has been driven down to us or a learnt behaviour that probably became a habit/complusiveness. Or maybe the world around us has developed in such a manner where "everyone" has this mentality actually. Its just how one manage.
I'm sorry to hear that you're hurting so much. You're not alone with this. I know it doesn't help much but you aren't alone. It's hard to know what we should do with ourselves and our emotions, sometimes because they are so conflicting. Between what we want, what we know and what we feel. Then we take into concideration what others want from us. What the expect. It makes everything so complicated.
Thanks for reminding. I never truly once able to self-remind myself about it. almost every moment of my mind, is just self-hurt. self-blame. self-torment.
Are you doing anything for self care for yourself? How have your pains been, with your muscles and your throat? Has your exercises gotten any easier or better?
No. Not really. I dont really know what is this self-care. such that i feel better. (to be on the better place, a better side. to even appreciate and feel the "betterness")
muscles - same, if not worse sometimes. been pushing for TCMs sometimes and yet... $ spent and doesnt work.
throat - hiaz... forget it. been spending loads and torturing myself with lozenges, syrups, mentol drops, hiaz...
exercises - mind's totally messed up, sometimes i even push myself to do more. despite the poor outcome. or because of a bad (excessive) amount of food intake. no not really easier nor better. the weird randomness of sometimes ok sometimes not. and worse off is i been wondering something. All these time and effort into, diet, health, nutrition, exercise, money, research, whatever is it totally worth it? my time, my money (actually brother's/parent's), my pains, my etc... all gone yet i dont even reap anything, but lost even more. made others (including you) suffer.
We're still here for you MIke, still here to help in anyway we can. We can limp along in this together.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts.
(Shit) sorry... i keep forgetting. All i keep reminding myself is just to log in daily to check for updates...
Thanks for reminders. Hope you have a better week soon, and please take care twistedsoul.
@mikenai22 It's ok to not have an answer. I'm sometimes unsure how to answer that question myself. Then of course it can change in a heartbeat.
I must admit, you made me laugh. With the "don't give up on it" and then the "here I am giving up" I don't follow my own advice either. It's hard to follow what we say. There's so much that can affect everything.
It's not easy, you are right about that. I do think it's a learned behavior. We learn what our parents and teachers show us. We try to stick to it because it's what we know. But it may not be the best fit for us. But it makes it hard to make changes because we don't know any other way. And to go against it feels wrong because society teaches us it's better to conform to the rest of the world. Being different sort of makes you a social outcast.
I've been slacking on the self care myself. I seem to have hit a depression stage and just don't seem to have to motivation or energy to care about self care. I'm really sorry to hear that things having gotten any better for you. I do understand that there is no quick fix but I was hopeful that something would have turned around for you. This may be a weird question, but with the randomness of it sometimes being ok, what is your state of mind on those times? It's ok if you don't know. It's not something we often give a lot of thought to when we're doing things
I have to disagree with you, you haven't made me suffer or added to what I'm already dealing with. I have truly enjoyed getting to know you. I just wish there was more I could do to help you.
It's easy to forget to be gentle with ourselves. We often so locked into our own torments that we forget the simple things like being gentle.
You're welcome Mike and thank you too. You take care of yourself too. Be gentle with yourself, I know you're trying hard to find answers and I know how frustrating it is that you haven't been able to find any yet.
@mytwistedsoul
It's ok to not have an answer. I'm sometimes unsure how to answer that question myself. Then of course it can change in a heartbeat.
This feeling it kinda suck though. Its like things can never be aligned and has to be constantly changed or readjusted. Hate it so much. Can't things be just much more simpler?
I must admit, you made me laugh. With the "don't give up on it" and then the "here I am giving up" I don't follow my own advice either. It's hard to follow what we say. There's so much that can affect everything.
hahas. the weird feeling that i often had and commonly heard. its like "I (myself) knows what is better/right for others or oneself", but yet forget and intentionally going against "recommendations" of your own thoughts.
The comfort. Hiaz.
It's not easy, you are right about that. I do think it's a learned behavior. We learn what our parents and teachers show us. We try to stick to it because it's what we know. But it may not be the best fit for us. But it makes it hard to make changes because we don't know any other way. And to go against it feels wrong because society teaches us it's better to conform to the rest of the world. Being different sort of makes you a social outcast.
Fear.
Unknown.
Missing Out.
I believe the above, are usually the common offenders of being trapped in comfort zone.
How i wished, i dont have this mentality and just brace through everything.
I've been slacking on the self care myself. I seem to have hit a depression stage and just don't seem to have to motivation or energy to care about self care. I'm really sorry to hear that things having gotten any better for you. I do understand that there is no quick fix but I was hopeful that something would have turned around for you. This may be a weird question, but with the randomness of it sometimes being ok, what is your state of mind on those times? It's ok if you don't know. It's not something we often give a lot of thought to when we're doing things
Perhaps, if i may "suggest", i dont see as slack, more like unable/stuck/blocked/trapped. I don't see self-care as a mandative/prescriptive type of thing. Cause if I do, it just becomes additional burden.
But I can feel some uneasyness that you have been experiencing for past few days/weeks. (its ok twistedsoul)
Since you noticed it now, and whenever you are ready or have the strength to, Do try to make a comeback, not for me, but for yourself. Once you feel better, then maybe can start spreading the focus on others.
Oh well, me ah. Yea its ok. I wished (who doesnt') that it could be better and answers are just glaring at me with solutions. Unfortuntately... I guess life is not that simple.
Perhaps it is the perfectionism thoughts where if i do one thing, it should equates to a result. (almost like a robot) and hence when things dont work out, or same things dont give same result, i start all the self-blame, the self-guilt, etc. Trying to figure out why, what went wrong etc...
I wont say I never gave thoughts, but perhaps the energy is spent on "troubleshooting" on the problem in a wrong manner.
Not sure, just a thought.
I have to disagree with you, you haven't made me suffer or added to what I'm already dealing with. I have truly enjoyed getting to know you. I just wish there was more I could do to help you.
ok. I think, or like you mentioned before. Being here, etc. I think is already good enough.
Most of the stuffs, issues, problems, day to day, etc. Only can be helped/aided/resolved/closed by myself. No one can really help me (oneself), only me (oneself) can truly do so.
It's easy to forget to be gentle with ourselves. We often so locked into our own torments that we forget the simple things like being gentle.
You're welcome Mike and thank you too. You take care of yourself too. Be gentle with yourself, I know you're trying hard to find answers and I know how frustrating it is that you haven't been able to find any yet.
Sorry, I know that I have been repeating this, again and again. I assure that almost 99% of the time, I kinda not even remember about it. I wonder if it was intentional or just perhaps the way i trained myself. But then the irony of why or who will want to "ill-treat" oneself than the opposite.
Anyways, Thanks for the well wishes. I hope you can find strength soon and push on to take care of yourself.
@mikenai22 I wish things could be simpler - everything seems like it always has to be so d*mn complicated.
Trapped - that's how I feel somedays - Just trapped in limbo doing my time. Neither fully living or dying. Just here. Afraid of the past - present and future. Kind of like - what I want isn't what I need but what I need isn't what I want. Sometimes a few moments of happiness is found but as quickly as it's found it's lost.
You are right - these things we need to fix ourselves but it's ok to have support with them. While other people can't fix our problems - they can give us new idea's and maybe help view ourselves differently. Or they help validate what we're feeling. I know I need that sometimes - because I often think that what I'm feeling isn't right. Mainly because I've had alot of people tell me over the years - that wat I'm feeling isn't right - I'm not looking at it the right way or I'm making to much out of it.
I think sometimes we start with good intentions for ourslves but then with the self blame - shame and guilt we get it into our heads that we're only getting what we deserve. That this is our punishment for what ever crimes we may have commited - not being good enough - not living up to expectations - whether they're ours or someone elses. Maybe one day we'll get past this but I know I have a long way to go.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. Thanks Mike
@mytwistedsoul
I wish things could be simpler - everything seems like it always has to be so d*mn complicated.
Indeed. Its so (hiaz) complicated, complexed and worse off - neverending.
Trapped - that's how I feel somedays - Just trapped in limbo doing my time. Neither fully living or dying. Just here. Afraid of the past - present and future. Kind of like - what I want isn't what I need but what I need isn't what I want. Sometimes a few moments of happiness is found but as quickly as it's found it's lost.
Red - Shit. I wonder how you managed to explain it so clearly.
Blue - I truly wonder, how you seriously manage to think clearly and type it out.
Orange - Pretty much painful for you I believe to endure through and finding it. Sharing abit of mine, is more like a integration of blue and orange. I wont say I found it. Its more like i probably only got some momentum, but dont really find that I like or find happiness through it.
You are right - these things we need to fix ourselves but it's ok to have support with them. While other people can't fix our problems - they can give us new idea's and maybe help view ourselves differently. Or they help validate what we're feeling. I know I need that sometimes - because I often think that what I'm feeling isn't right. Mainly because I've had alot of people tell me over the years - that wat I'm feeling isn't right - I'm not looking at it the right way or I'm making to much out of it.
With that said about others cant fix our problems - I wished it could. However my mind is almost 100% resistive about it. Yes it might give new ideas - Heck yea, my therapist sometimes once in a while opened and made me see things in a different way.
I truly wonder. What can i really do, have the energy to, willing to. Most importantly the courage to embrace fear and cross the hurdle of unknown.
I think sometimes we start with good intentions for ourslves but then with the self blame - shame and guilt we get it into our heads that we're only getting what we deserve. That this is our punishment for what ever crimes we may have commited - not being good enough - not living up to expectations - whether they're ours or someone elses. Maybe one day we'll get past this but I know I have a long way to go.
For this, I can only think or comment on one. Its on how oneself manages its train of thoughts or some form of "paraphrasing" of how you think. Unfortunately its how the mind messes oneself up. I wont deny it that despite being aware at times, but yet not being able to control the train of thoughts, catch it, get out of it.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. Thanks Mike
Hiaz. When can i ever remember to...
Sharing the below video. - Although i saw many others that are truly more inspirational. But for now, i noticed what he said kinda true. Its like i'm in some kind of "survival mode"
@mikenai22 Hey Mike - I watched that video and for right now all I can think of is - Wow. It may be alittle embarrassing to admit - but it did make me cry. I'm there too - in survival mode. I have been for years.
I maybe reading to far into this - but I know you may be feeling alone - unloved and that no one cares. Even with family in the picture - they are often the ones who make us feel this way - whether intentional or not. I think maybe it's their expectations of us - the fact that they want us to be perfect - with a good job and no problems - physical- mental or other wise. We aren't perfect though - no one is.
You aren't alone Mike - I know it may not seem like much. But - Idk - if it helps - I'm with you. Maybe not physically but I am with you in spirit - walking with you. Hopefully with time and yeah - we need a whole lot of patience - you will find a way out of survival mode. You will find a path that will lead you to peace and happiness.
I'm really glad you're still seeing your therapist. I hope that they will continue to help you see things in a different way - a better way.
Thank you for sharing this video.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
Hey Mike - I watched that video and for right now all I can think of is - Wow. It may be alittle embarrassing to admit - but it did make me cry. I'm there too - in survival mode. I have been for years.
Opps. I didn't intend to make anyone cry. Guessing that it kind of touched you somehow.
I still find it hard to try to resonate with it. Finding it challenging to.
I maybe reading to far into this - but I know you may be feeling alone - unloved and that no one cares. Even with family in the picture - they are often the ones who make us feel this way - whether intentional or not. I think maybe it's their expectations of us - the fact that they want us to be perfect - with a good job and no problems - physical- mental or other wise. We aren't perfect though - no one is.
You read me well. (Grateful that you are able to understand me + effort to know me better)
Actually I doubt the need to read. I probably poured almost my entire soul in 7cups well enough.
About... perfect... my biggest problem. I will share a video at the end that I have been looping for days.
Blue - Allow me to paraphrase. Since this incident of mine. My mum/brother/others spoke up. They told me they "never" once had this expectation of me. - wonder how true is that. Although there are times where I got resistance from them when i sought what I "wanted" - I can only presume its because of my misaligned thoughts of reality or they are concerned for my well-being or my state of health.
You aren't alone Mike - I know it may not seem like much. But - Idk - if it helps - I'm with you. Maybe not physically but I am with you in spirit - walking with you. Hopefully with time and yeah - we need a whole lot of patience - you will find a way out of survival mode. You will find a path that will lead you to peace and happiness.
Orange - This is already good enough.
Time... I wonder how much do i have left.
Red - I am pretty lost about this. I cant seem to find it. - Peace. No matter what i do.
Happiness, to be honest. I dont know what is happiness to me. Nothing seems to fit, resonate or help me now.
I'm really glad you're still seeing your therapist. I hope that they will continue to help you see things in a different way - a better way.
Sorry to dissapoint. Couple weeks back, I told my therapist, that I might stop seeing her again. At least another break again. Until I feel the need/ready to continue or possibly a permanent stop.
Thank you for sharing this video.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
You are most welcome.
Thanks again for the reminder.
Below is the video that I have been looping, though no the same context. But quite similar to my state of being jailed. - In my own world.
Dont really know what is wrong. I keep having this feeling that I am losing it. - In the sense of trust.
I know, trust takes time to built.
Takes a long journey to build, Easy to lose quickly.
I don't understand, what is it that I do wrongly. Or what sort of decision that I have made that everyone had lost trust with me.
In short my mom suddenly passed away this year a couple days after my 22nd birthday and I might be spending Christmas alone. My small family has been having a lot going on in their own personal lives and has lead them to be very distant now. I have zero friends and feel very sad and alone. My mom went all out for the holidays every year making it special for us and now Im gonna be alone in my nearly empty apartment for Christmas. My dad and I dont talk other than his occasional drunk text about how he wont ever talk to me and how Im a bad daughter, he has had an alchohol addiction for as long as I can remember. I feel lost in life. Sad and alone. Ive lost my job due to my own mental state and cant afford therapy. I dont know how to be better
@mytwistedsoul
Hey it's ok, you've nothing to be sorry for.
Dont mind if i cut the entire post out.
Hellow TwistedSoul. I can understand. Its just somehow the weird behaviour of wanting to apologise for almost everything. Become so normal that I (we) start apologising for anything small/big.
So wow - I know you see all those as failures - but Mike I have to tell you - I AM SO PROUD OF YOU! Sorry I don't mean to yell - lol but this is so big! I know they may not have been successful but holy crap - these are attempts. All in a short space of time. Ok so the job hunt didn't go well - the fact is you still went out and looked. Ok so the trip was cold and wet - but you still went of a trip! I mean don't get me wrong - it does suck that it didn't work out but the fact is - you did this - please tell me you see how big a deal it is? I don't mean to down play your feelings either and seem invalidating because I know it hurts that things didn't go the way you hoped. This really does make my day though. This shows alot of effort to me. Lol - sorry - I'm alittle over-zealous I guess. I just think it's really great that you went out and tried.
Red - Don't worry. Don't be apologetic. Sometimes I need that kick to wake up or see it.
Blue - Actually some of them i quietly did at the background. Its painful to hide from people. Majorly are known by my family. Sometimes I'm just so exhausted to retype the entire day online, my phone, my journal, my blog. Imagine the effort to reiterate.
Green - Hmm, Somehow negativity only registers in my mind. Its like going the extent and effort, over the barrier hurdle and not getting the desired result. Worse off is that my mind/body chicken'ed out at last minute. Retreating and Hiding. The intent, purpose, objective starts to fog and become unclear.
I dont really see it as down play feelings or what. But its just dissapointing to see failures after failures. Yes... people, life, things, every particle on planet earth goes through phases of life, ups and downs to reach their destinations. But at my (maybe everyone's) current stage and mindset, all i wish for is some light, that I never seen.
Orange - Erm.. Okays. Not sure how but I'm happy for you. Pardon me, I'm kinda soul-less, emotional-less for sometime.
I hope it doesn't offend you for me to wish you a Merry Christmas. I wish for you to have a good day - filled with peace and tranquility. A day for you to be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. A day for you to acknowledge the steps that you have taken - the effort you have put in. Sorry - feeling sentimental I think. Merry Christmas Mike
Don't worry. I'm not offended. I just gave up on holidays. So i kind of shut myself out from it.
Hmm. Instead of feeling sentimental, rather I felt weird. As in why or how come my mind don't process the way you did. Which is someone of normal self would have processed, in a more reflective manner, being grateful. And most importantly thinking in the right sense of direction. Not like just continously dwelling and self-blame all day long.
Thank you for the well concerns and holiday wishes. I hope you have a great day too. Take care, and Merry Christmas to you and your family.
@mikenai22 Hey Mike How are you? Yeah - I know - sort of a stupid question on my part. It's kind of hard to believe it's the stat of a new year. I hope for both of us - that it's a better year than it was last year.
It's hard to say why people don't see the good things - I wonder if maybe it's because we're just wired that way. I often don't see the things I've accomplished either. People will point them out and say yay - look at all the good - but Idk - I feel it should be more or maybe it should be on a larger scale - more noticable or something.
Tbh - to me the holidays are just another day. If anything it makes it so that I notice what's missing more. Family - satisfaction - happiness. Idk - I think it's been a long time since I was happy. I even bought some new tools to do wood work - things I needed to get because some of the other stuff is wearing out - and I have yet to use them. Went as far as to take the stuff out of the box - looked at it - went oh cool and stuck it away. No motivation to do anything. Eh - maybe tomorrow.
You're in my thoughts Mike - be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
Hey Mike How are you? Yeah - I know - sort of a stupid question on my part. It's kind of hard to believe it's the stat of a new year. I hope for both of us - that it's a better year than it was last year.
Hi. twistedsoul. Kinda nauseated, vomiting, not digesting well (at least to say food sticking in stomach... maybe i should really quit or let go of the healthy diet/lifestyle)
Nothings stupid question, you asked probably because you're concerned or need to know why. Otherwise the thought wouldn't have generated.
Well new year, yea. I'm losing track of it. I lost the feelings and mood for holidays, since. Nevertheless thank you for the well hopes. (Though i'm trying excessively hard to believe in - but i dont want to dismay and disappoint you) Hope you have a good year too.
It's hard to say why people don't see the good things - I wonder if maybe it's because we're just wired that way. I often don't see the things I've accomplished either. People will point them out and say yay - look at all the good - but Idk - I feel it should be more or maybe it should be on a larger scale - more noticable or something.
There was some article somewhere that i read previously about it. I'm not sure if its a learnt behavior or because of something else. Its like some character traits that we value and or believe in, tunnels our view such that we put more emphasis on certain aspects. And in the long run it fuels and becomes a very bad habit. Then once we slowly lose focus/direction. Things just becomes norm, resulting in a very unheahtly mind.
Good wise, whether big small or noticable. I guess its personal thing and also perspective. Some value little positivity, while some actually see them as major. So yea.
Tbh - to me the holidays are just another day. If anything it makes it so that I notice what's missing more. Family - satisfaction - happiness. Idk - I think it's been a long time since I was happy. I even bought some new tools to do wood work - things I needed to get because some of the other stuff is wearing out - and I have yet to use them. Went as far as to take the stuff out of the box - looked at it - went oh cool and stuck it away. No motivation to do anything. Eh - maybe tomorrow.
Yea.
Well glad that you managed to replace them. Especially dangerous stuff... like tools, if wearing out, i believe its better to replace. Dont kinda create unnecessary injury due to cost savings.
Well, putting it away for one day, because of motivation issues. Well nothing wrong to be honest. (funny... seeing that I can type that out. yet i cant look at myself that way)
Its ok to give it a try again tommorrow. Sometimes all everyone needs is just a temporary break or disengagement.
You're in my thoughts Mike - be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
Thank you again for the countless reminders, twistedsoul. When will i ever remember to.
@mikenai22 Hey Mike - I hope you're feeling alittle better. I hate getting nauseous - it makes it harder to want to eat anything.
I think on some ways it is learned behavior. Maybe when we were younger and we did things - chores or whatever - maybe what we did wrong was pointed out too harshly. Maybe we were taught to focus more on our failures and what we did wrong - instead of what we may have done right.
Sometimes I feel hopeful and think that it just takes time. But how much time - ya know?
I hope it's ok to ask - how have things been going with the job hunt?
Are you still having pain in your legs? And I know your throat was bothering you. Do you still have to take the antacids?
Be gentle with yourself Mike
@mytwistedsoul
Hey Mike - I hope you're feeling alittle better. I hate getting nauseous - it makes it harder to want to eat anything.
Hello. Inversely, its not. Worse off I'm having lots of suicidal thoughts. (Don't worry, I'm in a safe position. As explained previously.)
Not only the difficulty to eat anything. But rather, the anxiety is adding on to the fuel of the disordered eating habits.
I think on some ways it is learned behavior. Maybe when we were younger and we did things - chores or whatever - maybe what we did wrong was pointed out too harshly. Maybe we were taught to focus more on our failures and what we did wrong - instead of what we may have done right.
Yup. Probably some painful/memorable lesson could have kind of rewired the mentality since young such that it became a "norm" now.
Failures - Well, this i probably don't know. I only know things like good behavior and stuffs. Different culture and upbringing. Here when young we used to learn by the cane. Though I can reflect that my parents were probably much lenient as compared to others.
Sometimes I feel hopeful and think that it just takes time. But how much time - ya know?
Everyone says that things just takes time. - Hiaz. Dead tired.
Although in reality, there is also the saying that everyone's time is different. - I hate this comment, yet it is like the cold hard truth. Even worse off, the one that might be OR actually holding me back. Is me. So to be honest... I actually might just be able to turn things around if i just slap myself and change and move on.
I hope it's ok to ask - how have things been going with the job hunt?
Its ok. Just that I got nothing to share. Not going well.
My mum kept saying its ok. My brother kept.. hiaz...
Now the last comment/thought was to stay low and hold back. - which is continously "fucking" my mind. Like something is not right, and i have to fix it.
But the main problem is that I am not willing to try, change, move on. The fear, etc.
If not actually the possiblities are kinda open. - Although I tried a handful, got a few informal interviews. But did not went through successful. I presume probably because they heard about my medical concern.
Are you still having pain in your legs? And I know your throat was bothering you. Do you still have to take the antacids?
Legs yea, still there. Its kind of painful when I sit, stand, even walk. Although walking well, sometimes I kinda drifted off my mind such that I forgot the pain.
Throat - This problem is another untreatble thing. I asked so many doctors with no favorable reply.
Antacids - This has worsen, i increased the use of it. Kinda dependent on it to remove the mouth unusal taste. Worse off gaviscon is very expensive.
Be gentle with yourself Mike
Thanks twistedsoul. However I guess I never will. Otherwise I think I'll put some effort to. At least to try to remember.
@mikenai22 Wow I have been so horrible with keeping in touch with you. I am so sorry about that. In all honesty I've been having a hard time lately with things and having similar thoughts at times.
The anxiety is hard to deal with - I have an awful hard time with anxiety. It makes me think stupid things - adds to the nausea and makes me avoid things.
My "parents" taught by the cane too - well usually more belts or switches. But it was allways focused on what was done wrong. And for them - everything was wrong.
The waiting is exhausting - and there are times when the weight of everything is just so heavy - it only adds to the tiredness. You're right about the saying - everyones time is different. That doesn't mean we still don't want ours to arrive sooner but yet it's hard to move ahead when we're the ones holding us back. Sometimes I wonder if it's the fear of moving forward - the changes we need to make or if it's the fact that we're so used to where we are that we're comfortable because it's what we know. Idk - I guess that could be debated for months. Sometimes maybe it's just that we're so used to things not working that we just don't see the point in trying. But yet - we have to in order to get past where we are. It's just a huge circle - with the thoughts. And we're so quick to offer people advice but yet we can't seem to follow our own. Like you're telling people to do as I say - not as I do.
I'm sorry the job hunt isn't going well - but I must say that I'm impressed that you tried a few. Even if they weren't successful - you still tried and put forth an effort and put yourself out there.
It really sucks that you're still having all these pains and that no matter what you're doing - sitting or standing - it's still there. Could it be a chronic pain thing like - fibromyalgia? Or - Idk - if your nerve endings are aggravated? It's got to be so frustrating not being "heard" by the doctors. With the bad taste - could it be a bad tooth or I know there's things called tonsil stones that can cause things like that sometimes.
You're in my thoughts Mike - try to be gentle with yourself
@mytwistedsoul
Wow I have been so horrible with keeping in touch with you. I am so sorry about that. In all honesty I've been having a hard time lately with things and having similar thoughts at times.
Hey hey. I believe i mentioned before, its ok. You dont have to feel any obligations on remembering every details or what about me. I dont feel worthy of enough to be of that level of required entitlement. Just be causal along like you always do i think its great. - On the contary, since 7cups changes and stuffs. I been thinking to lay off/disable my account. I understand it can be tough. hence i dont blame you at your check-in timings. Though might feel lonely at times. But I think It should be something that it is comfortable for yourself, not for others.
The anxiety is hard to deal with - I have an awful hard time with anxiety. It makes me think stupid things - adds to the nausea and makes me avoid things.
Yes indeed. I read even more recently that yeah, anxiety/depression can actually induce nausea and even affect gut health. - which i believed you did mention previously too
My "parents" taught by the cane too - well usually more belts or switches. But it was allways focused on what was done wrong. And for them - everything was wrong.
belt. - oh my.
well wrong. depends on how one perceives. and how one wants to train or instill a certain message. cant really enforce.
The waiting is exhausting - and there are times when the weight of everything is just so heavy - it only adds to the tiredness. You're right about the saying - everyones time is different. That doesn't mean we still don't want ours to arrive sooner but yet it's hard to move ahead when we're the ones holding us back. Sometimes I wonder if it's the fear of moving forward - the changes we need to make or if it's the fact that we're so used to where we are that we're comfortable because it's what we know. Idk - I guess that could be debated for months. Sometimes maybe it's just that we're so used to things not working that we just don't see the point in trying. But yet - we have to in order to get past where we are. It's just a huge circle - with the thoughts. And we're so quick to offer people advice but yet we can't seem to follow our own. Like you're telling people to do as I say - not as I do.
exhausting. - 100% agree. I think I exposed enough of my mental/physical wellness in this and other threads.
what can i say about holding myself back - no idea... only one thing i guess. - just "f...ing" do it. - its always the start that is difficult
fear - for me, defintely. comfort well it is too, but i think that is 2nd to fear for me.
I'm sorry the job hunt isn't going well - but I must say that I'm impressed that you tried a few. Even if they weren't successful - you still tried and put forth an effort and put yourself out there.
its ok. many times i felt like giving up. cause i dont even wanna continue living, searching for life, or whatever. felt so pointless. yet i cannot affort to hurt others. which kinda made me trapped.
i understand about the part of continuous trying, but seeing the results just does not seem to aid... all it does is just make me feel worse about myself.
It really sucks that you're still having all these pains and that no matter what you're doing - sitting or standing - it's still there. Could it be a chronic pain thing like - fibromyalgia? Or - Idk - if your nerve endings are aggravated? It's got to be so frustrating not being "heard" by the doctors. With the bad taste - could it be a bad tooth or I know there's things called tonsil stones that can cause things like that sometimes.
Not sure... all i know is that the GPs that I have consulted, kept pushing me to go see psychiatrist. and dont even recommend any others. this sucks. and for me, i also felt very exhausted that i dont want to see any doctors anymore. wasting money, time, resources, energy and worse damaging my mentality and relationship with doctors.
You're in my thoughts Mike - try to be gentle with yourself
Thanks twistedsoul. You should also consider to put more energy and time for yourself.
@mikenai22 Hey Mike - I've been seeing you around here and there and I'm sorry things are so rough for you.
I can understand what you mean about the continuous trying - with the end result - it just make you feel worse. It takes alot of energy to get yourself together to go to a job interview and it has to be really frustrating to keep doing this and not getting any positive results. Is there something you could do - IDk - voluntary work - something that would make you feel like you're doing something fulfilling? Something that would - idk - just give you something to do.
I wish you had access to a different health care system. Access to someone who would listen to everything you're saying instead of just assuming you need mental help. I can't imagine how all of this makes you feel. No wonder you're so frustrated and everything feels so pointless. I am glad to see you still pushing through though - still holding on.
You're in my thoughts often Mike - I still wish good things for you
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
Hey Mike - I've been seeing you around here and there and I'm sorry things are so rough for you.
Hello, wow you noticed. Thanks twistedsoul. - I havent been in tune with myself, not really present in doing anything.
i kinda let go of my "restriction" and "ego" of holding back 7cups member oath - to entre group support.
hiaz twistedsoul - its ok. dont have to be sorry. it just sucks only for me. to not give myself a chance.
I can understand what you mean about the continuous trying - with the end result - it just make you feel worse. It takes alot of energy to get yourself together to go to a job interview and it has to be really frustrating to keep doing this and not getting any positive results. Is there something you could do - IDk - voluntary work - something that would make you feel like you're doing something fulfilling? Something that would - idk - just give you something to do.
Talking about work. I kinda, pushed myself to try one more time. just few hours ago... got a call. but the location is kinda at very near my old work place. and its kinda triggering. yet i dont wanna give up the opportunity.
Cant really decide. felt like giving up (Mind says 90% give up vs 10%) (Heart says 90% just do it vs 10% give up)
Voluntary - I cant really find something that kinda suit... my "okays" i.e. cook, location, timing, sociality, etc.
I know its to find something to do better than dwell in front of the computer daily... - although it is something i really like. But of recent i noticed this trend of stupidlity of wasting time. yet i felt better than doing others. but forcing myself to do "other" stuffs than computer gave even better satisfication, but reap very detrimental physical issues.
I wish you had access to a different health care system. Access to someone who would listen to everything you're saying instead of just assuming you need mental help. I can't imagine how all of this makes you feel. No wonder you're so frustrated and everything feels so pointless. I am glad to see you still pushing through though - still holding on.
I dont know - Honest.
It might be me who is the problem, and not wanting to accept. Hmm, thanks for reminding me about the continuous in pushing through - i never seem to notice it. Neither nor anyone close to me pointing it out. I also noticed that I am unable to hold proper communication to anyone.
You're in my thoughts often Mike - I still wish good things for you
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
Hey twistedsoul. Whenever you convey messages like "Thoughts", "Gentle", "Hope", somehow it just calms me down and for some unknown reason it eases and made me feels better. - i Dont know if it is placebo or comendation or show off or what. - The weight of the message felt so much stronger as compared to the messages and negativity that is around me.
How i wished if this "positive energy" can be flowed to me daily as compared to reality here in my zone - guess we are so far worlds apart. compared to the negative space that i am constricted to. - yes i am not a tree, i can move. but many claimed, its not time for me.
@mikenai22 I'm really glad to see you going around on the sight. Giving and getting support. There's nothing wrong with it in my opinion. Many hands make heavy work light.
Wow Thats great but kind of not huh? I know some time has past so I wonder what you decided? I was going to suggest maybe giving it a try - like a trial run. Just to see how it fits. But I really do understand getting triggered. At the same time it's also hard to really put yourself out there when you aren't feeling well.
I think sometimes when we aren't being heard we end up just keeping our mouths shut. It's hard to tell people and explain to them how it is that we feel. I know I have times when I feel as though I just keep saying the same thing over and over again. So I end up silencing myself because I'm tired of hearing my own words. But silence gets us no where too.
You do run through my mind Mike - everyday believe it or not. Sometimes it might be a recipe I see or maybe a blender or something. But you are in my thoughts. It makes me happy that those words from me help calm you. I do mean them. I wish so much that I could help you find some peace and have you feeling better.
It may not be time for you know But we have to keep hope that your time will come soon - yeah?
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
I'm really glad to see you going around on the sight. Giving and getting support. There's nothing wrong with it in my opinion. Many hands make heavy work light.
Don't know...
I get that feeling that something is wrong.
Somehow it is also in a way fueling my thoughts.
Its like the more I interface with it. The more my mind gets occupied with it.
Wow Thats great but kind of not huh? I know some time has past so I wonder what you decided? I was going to suggest maybe giving it a try - like a trial run. Just to see how it fits. But I really do understand getting triggered. At the same time it's also hard to really put yourself out there when you aren't feeling well.
I don't really know.
One hand, i feel that i might lose all my data. If i back'ed it up, i might just complusively read them for the sake of reading.
On another, i feel that if i let go off, i might brace something new. Fresh Air. But I might start to lose my way, lose my focus, lost of the constant kind "reminders" that i kind of need.
On another hand, i might even just fall back to my past...
I think sometimes when we aren't being heard we end up just keeping our mouths shut. It's hard to tell people and explain to them how it is that we feel. I know I have times when I feel as though I just keep saying the same thing over and over again. So I end up silencing myself because I'm tired of hearing my own words. But silence gets us no where too.
That's me. At least part of it feels like my past. I just kept everything in heart.
Pointless to keep harping. while nothing changes.
Yea, i can understand that doing nothing, means no output. But result may become disastrous. i.e. The "Mike" Now.
You do run through my mind Mike - everyday believe it or not. Sometimes it might be a recipe I see or maybe a blender or something. But you are in my thoughts. It makes me happy that those words from me help calm you. I do mean them. I wish so much that I could help you find some peace and have you feeling better.
I have been wondering, how do yourself and wise one put in the effort to be mindful of me.
Its so... hard. although sometimes i really wished for a response from yourself or wise one. Just to bring some spirits up.
It may not be time for you know But we have to keep hope that your time will come soon - yeah?
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
I really wish, twistedsoul... I really am.
You know just the other day. hiaz. very hard to openly discuss here...
Nevertheless thank you again. I duno how many times i need to repeat, but if i still can breathe in front of my keyboard.. i will just repeat... my thanks.
Hopefully one day i can truly mindfully appreciate and be grateful to both of you.
@mytwistedsoul @NoneTheWiser
@mikenai22 Hey Mike - thought I'd visit you here now :)
Do you think that some of it has to do with - Idk - maybe not being the only one going through things? Kind of like we get stuck in the mentality that we alone are just the only ones going through things? And now you see you aren't and it kind of makes you feel kind of overwhelmed. Allmost like a huge holy crap moment?
I kind of think maybe that where alot of us run into trouble - we hold things in our hearts. We sometimes take things to personally and if someone is having a bad day and maybe says something in a certain tone or uses certain words it hurts us. But we don't say anything - maybe because we feel bad for it or maybe because we can't find the words to explain how it made us feel. In away it does seem pointless - I know alot of times I feel like all I do is complain about the same stuff over and over again. But it's better to let it out - then it is to hold it inside.
I think of you as a friend Mike - aside from people on here - I don't have any other friends. As my friend I care about you. You don't need to say thank you - you really don't. We're just a bunch of friends - friends care and look after one another. With out any conditions or expectations.
I know it can be really hard to share thing here - because of it being an open forum - anyone can read what we write. But I want you to know that - anything you'd like to share with me is safe. I'm a really open minded person and I give you my word - I won't judge or laugh about anything important you have to say.
Be gentle with yourself Mike and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
Hey Mike - thought I'd visit you here now :)
Hello twistedsoul. Don't feel obligated. Chime in whenever you feel like it.
Do you think that some of it has to do with - Idk - maybe not being the only one going through things? Kind of like we get stuck in the mentality that we alone are just the only ones going through things? And now you see you aren't and it kind of makes you feel kind of overwhelmed. Allmost like a huge holy crap moment?
It is. I noticed I have this habit. Once something turns into kind of a habit or used to it - almost like a comfort feeling. I'll just repeat it. and then start goes the grinding and overwhelming mind. its like i want to "quit" out of it sometimes, but cant. cause it has somehow became a lifestyle, whether i like it or not.
I kind of think maybe that where alot of us run into trouble - we hold things in our hearts. We sometimes take things to personally and if someone is having a bad day and maybe says something in a certain tone or uses certain words it hurts us. But we don't say anything - maybe because we feel bad for it or maybe because we can't find the words to explain how it made us feel. In away it does seem pointless - I know alot of times I feel like all I do is complain about the same stuff over and over again. But it's better to let it out - then it is to hold it inside.
well, it depends on individuals and management. me? yea, i'm well known for allowing my emotions taking over me.
regarding letting it out, i dont really know. its like i duno who is the right person to really talk to. no matter how hard i been trying, its like so difficult to find a golden person that has "all answers" - Sorry twistedsoul, i hope you dont take it wrongly...
I think of you as a friend Mike - aside from people on here - I don't have any other friends. As my friend I care about you. You don't need to say thank you - you really don't. We're just a bunch of friends - friends care and look after one another. With out any conditions or expectations.
Somehow I kept forgetting. I dont really know why.
Guess you caught me that i am about the say words that my mind told me to.
For me, my deifnition and mentality of friends, is still totally wrong. Kinda feel like i am abusing the opportunities.
I know it can be really hard to share thing here - because of it being an open forum - anyone can read what we write. But I want you to know that - anything you'd like to share with me is safe. I'm a really open minded person and I give you my word - I won't judge or laugh about anything important you have to say.
Be gentle with yourself Mike and your thoughts
Well its not like i dont wanna share nor about trust, I have nothing to lose. But my concern is the information, because of the nature of the forum such that the information is not safe to be discussed here.
Thanks again twistedsoul, you too take care.
@mikenai22 I think I understand that - we get comfortable in the familiarity of things. Comfort in the habits - allmost like how people with OCD have to do things to feel comfortable. Has anyone mentioned that maybe you have OCD?
No offense taken - maybe there isn't just one golden person. Maybe it's a bunch of people offering advice and support. Because I don't think there is any one person that has all the answers
I don't think you're abusing anything. And there's alot of times that we do forget there are people rooting for us. Especially since in most cases - they're all online. It's not like they're people stopping over for coffee. Allthough at times I do think it would be cool if there was a way for us all to meet. Other times not so much because it would feel pretty awkward.
I think it was really neat what you did for mysticserendipity. I know he really enjoyed it too. That was a really nice thing to do. And if it helped calm your mind - thats a good thing. I find colors and patterns are soothing at time and if I remember correctly - that's something to do with OCD too. If that's the case you could be doing some of the things and be stuck where you are because of it. It's not your fault Mike. It has something to do with faulty brain circuitry. CBT can help with it and there are medications that help. There are a bunch of video's for CBT on youtube. It's possible you've allready seen them though. If you haven't - it's just a thought - yeah?
I can understand that - with sharing things on here. You have to do what's comfortable for you. No pressure - ever
Be gentle with yourself Mike and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
I think I understand that - we get comfortable in the familiarity of things. Comfort in the habits - allmost like how people with OCD have to do things to feel comfortable. Has anyone mentioned that maybe you have OCD?
I do noticed some of my behaviours are OCD-ish. Especially in my younger days, some of my weird habits are habituals or OCD induced. But slowly somehow i weaned off it.
Weird things like, washing hands again, checking if electricals are powered off again is like the state of questioning the mind if i have had done it kind.
No offense taken - maybe there isn't just one golden person. Maybe it's a bunch of people offering advice and support. Because I don't think there is any one person that has all the answers
I just dont like the fact that I have to constantly seek, search, find, fight, and you know, things aren't going anywhere. Look where, what, I am now. Totally no where, still at here ever since.
I don't think you're abusing anything. And there's alot of times that we do forget there are people rooting for us. Especially since in most cases - they're all online. It's not like they're people stopping over for coffee. Allthough at times I do think it would be cool if there was a way for us all to meet. Other times not so much because it would feel pretty awkward.
On the contary, especially this area of "online". Where it is easy to engage and disengage from. I sometimes start to wary and worry if i should also put 99.99% or 100% hopes on it.
Meet? Sure there are ways, it is more of whether or not oneself want to, willing to, and can accept the meetup. Along with the endless possibilities, pros and cons that can just happen.
I think it was really neat what you did for mysticserendipity. I know he really enjoyed it too. That was a really nice thing to do. And if it helped calm your mind - thats a good thing. I find colors and patterns are soothing at time and if I remember correctly - that's something to do with OCD too. If that's the case you could be doing some of the things and be stuck where you are because of it. It's not your fault Mike. It has something to do with faulty brain circuitry. CBT can help with it and there are medications that help. There are a bunch of video's for CBT on youtube. It's possible you've allready seen them though. If you haven't - it's just a thought - yeah?
Thank you, although i know i kind of can do it better. But I probably need to do deep dive research. Plus i'm still kinda concerned with information sensitivity, cause its in my own personal account.
Hope he (if its a he?) certainly did. I wont say it calm'ed my mind, but i used it to distract for that 30-45mins.
What I do noticed after sometime, is that when i have "task" to do, and i kinda pushed myself to it (i.e. replying to all the notifications in 7cups) i tend to forget about other stuffs, i.e. food, exercise, complusive, etc. although somehow it hurts once in a while kind of thing in terms of pain, worry, etc. But then these "tasks" gets repetitive and draining over time that my mind switches off, worse off that as of recent times my physical also starts switching off.
CBT - well, heard of, read abit but not really that good in practising it. perhaps if i have some time i'll explore again.
I can understand that - with sharing things on here. You have to do what's comfortable for you. No pressure - ever
Maybe since not much traffic in this thread, I'll share one quick short summary, and i hope it does not trigger you. I decolor'ed it below for sensitive information
I saw someone dead on the ground, opposite my block. Which closest assumption i can come up is suicide - because of the loud bang i heard minutes earlier. I did not witness the act. But the thoughts had been tramatising, haunting, heavy in me. Especially when I have the same thoughts too - yet I cant do it. I explained to people around me but nothing they can do to help me.
Be gentle with yourself Mike and your thoughts
Appreciate your kind thoughts and acts twistedsoul.
@mikenai22 Hey Mike - I apologize. I could have swore I replied to you and it seems I either didn't or it got lost in cyberspace. I hate when that happens
I hope you can see now how much that person enjoys and appreciates you taking the time to do that for him. Sometimes distractions are a good thing - if for nothing else other then to pass the time. I just think it's really nice of you do that for him - it was very thoughtful and considerate
What you shared with me here - wasn't triggering for me. But I imagine it must have been quite a shock for you seeing that. Especially hearing the sound before hand. It has one of the most memorable sounds. I'm sorry that noone talked to you about it. And it may be that it's not so much you want to do the same thing - you just want the hurt to stop. You want to enjoy life - free from pain and torment. So feeling that way but seeing the finality of the actual act it self would be traumatizing. Leave you conflicted maybe
I wanted to ask what you decided about that job? Even if you didn't take it - it's really good that you put yourself out there and tried. Alittle boost to your self confidence maybe? Allthough there was probably alot of other emotions too
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
Hey Mike - I apologize. I could have swore I replied to you and it seems I either didn't or it got lost in cyberspace. I hate when that happens
Hey twistedsoul. Its ok. Small thingy. Still you've checked back and replied. Don't self-blame for it. Not worth it.
I hope you can see now how much that person enjoys and appreciates you taking the time to do that for him. Sometimes distractions are a good thing - if for nothing else other then to pass the time. I just think it's really nice of you do that for him - it was very thoughtful and considerate
I was kind of shocked at how the person responded. As in like i was not expecting a response like that. Yet he/she replied in a very kind and appreciative manner.
About distractions, well I felt that it has been. kinda too long for me? as in like almost anything i been doing now is just like a distraction i feel.
Thank you for your kind thoughts.
What you shared with me here - wasn't triggering for me. But I imagine it must have been quite a shock for you seeing that. Especially hearing the sound before hand. It has one of the most memorable sounds. I'm sorry that noone talked to you about it. And it may be that it's not so much you want to do the same thing - you just want the hurt to stop. You want to enjoy life - free from pain and torment. So feeling that way but seeing the finality of the actual act it self would be traumatizing. Leave you conflicted maybe
Well, sound is one thing. But rather the haunting part is un-erase-able the "image" and the "memory" of the scene. Well, for now i can only say that the torment is tearing me both ways. Its like one side wants peace another wants solution. Be it a quick fix or whatever its a solution that "solves" problems - regardless of outcome.
Been repeating also that I cant truly see or view the wants/needs of myself. Be it goals, life, direction, fulfillment, desire, whatever. Hence seeing an misfortunate incident, only fuels the mind by adding it like a reasonable resolution option to a problem.
I wanted to ask what you decided about that job? Even if you didn't take it - it's really good that you put yourself out there and tried. Alittle boost to your self confidence maybe? Allthough there was probably alot of other emotions too
Sorry.. I didn't. You may assume as i chicken'ed out. Or maybe fear got into me again.
I pushed myself multiple times, but always end up running away when/before sending or trying.
I would say more of indecisiveness and not knowing myself or giving myself a chance.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
Thank you, and as always take care twistedsoul.
@mikenai22 Hey Mike - It's ok to be fearful with the new job. I don't think of it as chickening out. You still tried and that takes courage.
I really do understand what you mean - with what you witness. Kind of like it pulls you but repels you at the same time. I get drawn to that sometimes - i just want to feel peace and sometimes I think I'd do anything to get it
OldSerendipityBoat really did enjoy it and seems to enjoy when you visit his thread. It's really is nice to see you reaching out to other people.
I wanted to ask - does it help you see that you aren't so alone? Like on my thread - the things you may have read - I know I'm kind of messed up mentally - but it helps me to know that I'm not alone with some of what I struggle with. We all have our battles inside and while they may be different things we're fighting - we're all fighting something. Idk - I guess I thought maybe it would help you have compassion for yourself with what you're going through
Be gentle with yourself MIke and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
Hey Mike - It's ok to be fearful with the new job. I don't think of it as chickening out. You still tried and that takes courage.
I wonder if i did it for the sake of it or am i checking some unfufilled boxes or am i truly geniune.
It just felt so bad. One moment like I felt great for trying it, one moment I felt like chickening out, another moment I felt like I wasted my opportunities.
I really do understand what you mean - with what you witness. Kind of like it pulls you but repels you at the same time. I get drawn to that sometimes - i just want to feel peace and sometimes I think I'd do anything to get it
Appreciate your understanding. Still happens to me once in a while. Nothing I can do to take it off. Especially when I walk past it (the area) almost daily. Or rather just viewable right outside of the kitchen window.
OldSerendipityBoat really did enjoy it and seems to enjoy when you visit his thread. It's really is nice to see you reaching out to other people.
Hope so. Honestly, I cant really tell between right, wrong, true, false, etc. This character of mine is what led me to easily trampled with during my employed days.
I don't know if i should really continue. Sometimes I feel like i should really just stop, and move on.
I wanted to ask - does it help you see that you aren't so alone? Like on my thread - the things you may have read - I know I'm kind of messed up mentally - but it helps me to know that I'm not alone with some of what I struggle with. We all have our battles inside and while they may be different things we're fighting - we're all fighting something. Idk - I guess I thought maybe it would help you have compassion for yourself with what you're going through
Its not about the I'm alone in the war of mine and seeking for some comfort/consolance.
But rather its the sadness that others are facing difficulties and I am here pushing more pain to them. Them as in not only yourself inclusive, pressing others like in real and digital life.
I'm not gona judge you based on your writings - Not that I dont care, please dont... be mis-understood. But it just sad, and that I am kinda adding more load to others, when they have their own.
For myself, i don't really know what is the "thing" i am seeking for. Compassion? Solutions? Answers? Peace? Whatever? Or is it some sort of complusive behavior/habit that i mindlessly created that became unhealthy. This war of mine, this daily struggles, its like i'm going against the grind every single moment of my life. I been wondering, is it worth the effort? is it what I want? is it correct/wrong (no right/wrong - yea i know)? what should i really be doing? but if I follow the should instead of my mind/heart/soul, it just does not seem to run well. its like a strong resistance with every single thing.
Be gentle with yourself MIke and your thoughts
twistedsoul. why i always forget this.
thank you.
@mikenai22 Hi Mike.
I can understand that. While it might be hard to say one way or another. I look at it as an accomplishment. Instead of staying at home in your room, you did try. Maybe it was just to check off the box, you still went to the effort of going and submitting a resume. The fact that they called back for an interveiw says that they saw something worthy in it. That says something good about you as a person.
It would be hard to have that stuck in your mind when your so close to where it happened. It's a constant. You can't get away from it. That would play on my imagination. The thoughts of what if, toying with the idea of whether I could do something so final like that.
The grandparents used to have a saying, "many hands make heavy work light". While we're all here for one reason or another. There is strength in numbers. We share our burdens. In going around and offering support to others, in many ways it's helpful to us. It allows us to connect with others who are also going through difficult times. Helps us to not feel so alone. And in some cases, leads to feeling good because we may have made someone's day by reaching out to them. I really am glad to see you being more active here. I'm sure it has led to conflicting feeling for you though. It's okay to want companionship and understanding. I think in some ways, it helps with the self compassion. If other people understand what we're saying and feeling and their alright with it, then perhaps it's okay for us to be okay with it too. I, myself, really do see it as a good thing.
Be gentle with yourself Mike, and your thoughts.
@mytwistedsoul
Hi Mike.
Hey twistedsoul. Been awhile.
I can understand that. While it might be hard to say one way or another. I look at it as an accomplishment. Instead of staying at home in your room, you did try. Maybe it was just to check off the box, you still went to the effort of going and submitting a resume. The fact that they called back for an interveiw says that they saw something worthy in it. That says something good about you as a person.
I can never think of it that way. Most of the time i only just see the end part only, which... is the rejection or i fear out.
It would be hard to have that stuck in your mind when your so close to where it happened. It's a constant. You can't get away from it. That would play on my imagination. The thoughts of what if, toying with the idea of whether I could do something so final like that.
Yea, until today it is still.. floating around. Has been very "irritating".
The grandparents used to have a saying, "many hands make heavy work light". While we're all here for one reason or another. There is strength in numbers. We share our burdens.
Well likewise the saying for goals/objectives. By breaking it down ot smaller pieces, it will feel much more achieveable. anyways not directly related by i thought the concept is similar.
In going around and offering support to others, in many ways it's helpful to us. It allows us to connect with others who are also going through difficult times. Helps us to not feel so alone.
Well yes and no i say. sometimes i keep fearing of saying wrong things. damaging both parties by accident... mentally and physically (in case)... but yea i do somewhat agree that it might help actually. well... i dont know how to comment about the being "alone"
And in some cases, leads to feeling good because we may have made someone's day by reaching out to them. I really am glad to see you being more active here. I'm sure it has led to conflicting feeling for you though. It's okay to want companionship and understanding. I think in some ways, it helps with the self compassion. If other people understand what we're saying and feeling and their alright with it, then perhaps it's okay for us to be okay with it too. I, myself, really do see it as a good thing.
Definitely if you did a good job out.
well... to be honest, i am almost doing nothing other than 7cups... that is like my day.
Be gentle with yourself Mike, and your thoughts.
Thank you for checking back twistedsoul.
Nah... i havent been... it is so difficult.
@mikenai22 I worry about the same thing. Worry if something gets taken the wrong way or if maybe I wrote it wrong. The last thing I want to do it cause someone pain. The only problem is that worry feeds my anxiety - and my anxiety makes me quiet sometimes
Well right now - that is about the only thing left to do right now. This stupid virus has everyone staying at home. Not that I went out much to begin with. Now going out just makes me more paranoid because you have to worry about getting sick or in my case - sometimes I worry I might sneeze or something in public and mentally I can see everyone taking a step back and away from me - thinking I've got it or something
I saw you mentioned somewhere about where you live going into lock down. It's kind of scary when it gets to that point
I can understand that - I'm not getnle with myself or my thoughts all the time - if at all some days. It doesn't matter how many times I say it to other people - I don't practice my own words
@mytwistedsoul
I worry about the same thing. Worry if something gets taken the wrong way or if maybe I wrote it wrong. The last thing I want to do it cause someone pain. The only problem is that worry feeds my anxiety - and my anxiety makes me quiet sometimes
Although i wished if there was something to overcome it. But I and perhaps yourself know that the only way to overcome, is by... really facing it.
Well right now - that is about the only thing left to do right now. This stupid virus has everyone staying at home. Not that I went out much to begin with. Now going out just makes me more paranoid because you have to worry about getting sick or in my case - sometimes I worry I might sneeze or something in public and mentally I can see everyone taking a step back and away from me - thinking I've got it or something
My country just almost went to a semi-like lockdown state.
Wow. The thoughts you mentioned, never crossed my mind.
Now I'm starting to be thinking about it. - Cause our government/news also started writing about "encouraged" use of masks now irregardless of medical condition.
So far my deepest concern is still... my diet issues, and whether if supermarkets are empty...
And the usual pains, calories, nutrition, hunger, money, sleep, and more
I saw you mentioned somewhere about where you live going into lock down. It's kind of scary when it gets to that point
Indeed to add on, the latest bill has been imposed for charges for those who breaches them.
I dont want to say scary, though i am already, anxiety provoking not knowing what to do.
But it's kinda restrictive and tough to get things around, when my mental state is so restrictive to begin with.
I can understand that - I'm not getnle with myself or my thoughts all the time - if at all some days. It doesn't matter how many times I say it to other people - I don't practice my own words
how, i dont want to do those funny or weird stuffs like, snapping self with rubber bands, or walking with the quotes right in front of me. although there were moments in times, where i almost wanted to post/paint/write words on walls to make them full of quotes. just to remind myself.
well, about practising of words. sometimes its just weird, the awkwardness when we can try to help others, yet unable to motivate/push/force oneself to give that opportunity to attempt.
hiaz... take care meanwhile twistedsoul.
@mikenai22 You're right - facing it is probably the ony way to over come it - but that scary too isn't it?
We've been on the isolation thing here too - You're only supposed to go out for groceries and pharmacy stuff. But alot of stuff is really picked out or they just don't have it. They just announced that alot of places are closing because of employees getting sick. Farmers have been dumping their crops because they can't move it to where it belongs. In some states you aren't allowed to cross state lines. Attempting to do so will result in a steep fine and possible arrest. Which is no big deal to me - I have no desire to really go anywhere. I do miss human contact though sometimes. And I don't like worrying about when I do out for something - all the precautions we have to take. Wiping the carts - wearing a mask - worrying if I touched my face. It is really anxiety inducing and triggers alot of OCD stuff
Hopefully they get this whole situation straightened out soon. I hope you're doing your best to stay safe and take care of yourself
You've been in my thoughts Mike - Be gentle with yourself
@mytwistedsoul
You're right - facing it is probably the ony way to over come it - but that scary too isn't it?
Fear. What's more in my or perhaps everyone's mind?
We've been on the isolation thing here too - You're only supposed to go out for groceries and pharmacy stuff. But alot of stuff is really picked out or they just don't have it. They just announced that alot of places are closing because of employees getting sick. Farmers have been dumping their crops because they can't move it to where it belongs. In some states you aren't allowed to cross state lines. Attempting to do so will result in a steep fine and possible arrest. Which is no big deal to me - I have no desire to really go anywhere. I do miss human contact though sometimes. And I don't like worrying about when I do out for something - all the precautions we have to take. Wiping the carts - wearing a mask - worrying if I touched my face. It is really anxiety inducing and triggers alot of OCD stuff
Guess its pretty much everywhere now. News are just depressing.
I've been trying to go out for runs but only during wee hours. - Wait, I have been doing it for long anyways.
I dont kinda like the trapped feeling, since im already confined in a space... in a small room. the rest of the house is "not accessible" in my mind. - though i dont favor going out either, i.e. no objective, $, missing out on calories, etc.
And yea the rules and regulations, the latest bill releases are kinda strict.
zzz, yea all the cleaniness sanitary and stuffs, expectations, what not. Even people on the streets are like... very "self-less" now. I got nagged by a lady in supermarket for browsing of products. Just because i stood at the shelfs where the queues were in line.
hiaz.
Hopefully they get this whole situation straightened out soon. I hope you're doing your best to stay safe and take care of yourself
I really wished too. At least we can kinda put this off and... lesser of 1 more worry and work on other stuffs...
even though i cant put my energy on them
You've been in my thoughts Mike - Be gentle with yourself
Thanks twistedsoul. I guess its my turn.
sad. the other day just bombed SGD$266 on useless medications.
@mikenai22 I'm glad you're trying to be careful with your runs. I know the rules here have gotten pretty strict. You can't go into anywhere without a mask on. Wipe things off - don't touch your face. I allways kind of worried about people befor but now - holy cow. It's like some sort of weird dance when there's other people around. Everyone trying to stay 6 foot away and avoid each other. See the aisles alittle blocked - go the whole way around to around what ever it is blocking it. People are tired of it and it's making them impatient with everyone. I know I hate having to wear a mask sometimes. It feels consticting and doesn't let you breath right. We usually have alot of farmers markets this time of year. Fruits and vegetable type things but even they're shut down right now - so the farmers are having a hard time of it too
I'm sorry to hear you spent that kind of money of medicines that don't work. I know how frustrating that can be. Especially right now - I know the unemployment rate right now is amazing. BEcause of the lockdowns no one can go to work - unless you're what the call essential workers. Healthcare - Gov stuff. Which is ok for me - I work for myself pretty much. But I do feel for the other people with families to take care of and rents to pay. It must be scary for them having an uncertain future
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
I'm glad you're trying to be careful with your runs. I know the rules here have gotten pretty strict. You can't go into anywhere without a mask on. Wipe things off - don't touch your face. I allways kind of worried about people befor but now - holy cow. It's like some sort of weird dance when there's other people around. Everyone trying to stay 6 foot away and avoid each other. See the aisles alittle blocked - go the whole way around to around what ever it is blocking it. People are tired of it and it's making them impatient with everyone. I know I hate having to wear a mask sometimes. It feels consticting and doesn't let you breath right. We usually have alot of farmers markets this time of year. Fruits and vegetable type things but even they're shut down right now - so the farmers are having a hard time of it too
Just when you were saying. i'm starting to compensate or adding laps again... or... complusive returns by cardio... sad.
sometimes i wished, i can "workout" in a better manner. like sort of activities with "returns" or effectiveness.
Its really sad though.. seeing the situation around now. everyone's struggling in their manner.
Everything had to detour, life changes, habit changes, mentality changes, situation adapts/improves/detoriates, and me... not willing to wake up, move on, embrace fears, etc.
I'm sorry to hear you spent that kind of money of medicines that don't work. I know how frustrating that can be. Especially right now - I know the unemployment rate right now is amazing. BEcause of the lockdowns no one can go to work - unless you're what the call essential workers. Healthcare - Gov stuff. Which is ok for me - I work for myself pretty much. But I do feel for the other people with families to take care of and rents to pay. It must be scary for them having an uncertain future
hiaz. it hurts. now i am even comtemplating to visit psych's - feeling pointless to trash $ on them.
but some of the work and employment support agencies are like... asking for medical support letter for improved condition before proceeding... this hurts. i dont wanna go back to the hospital. yes because of the scale, yes because of money, yes because of medicines, yes also that the psych's are not going to issue that recommendation for work letter either.
actually in fact, everything is uncertain now. is like the next moment, any thing can happen. i dont even know what i needed is stocked at supermarket or not. i dont even know when will the sales (online) will end... i dont even know why same food can digest differently on different days.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
shit... now is my turn to forget. thanks... twistedsoul. you too please take good care of yourself.
Im 17& Im a girl. Id say Ive always been pretty sad. Nobody really notices it because Im actually really good at hiding it. I feel like Im a very private person? I dont like it when people are in my business but I do feel a weight lifted off of my shoulders when people ask me if Im alright you know? Cause it shows they care. Idk, life has been hitting me ever since my boyfriend died. He was addicted to drugs but was really good at hiding it cause I dont think he wanted to worry me. I always thought he was avoiding me cause he was with other girls and would always argue with him over girls when in reality he was somewhere getting high and just didnt want me to know.. my friends were awful support. They always told me to get over it cause everyone dies eventually and I would just get quiet cause its not like theyre wrong, but it just hurt me more and made me want to pass. Im a junior in high school and I met him in 7th grade. He passed on the 11th of September. Its only been 6 months and Im still really sad about it. I cry every night cause I loved him so much. And I never really got to say that to him cause I realized how much pride I had when it came to him. I never expressed how I felt about him cause he was the boy everyone wanted and I thought maybe if I let him express how he felt about me itll make me feel better in a way. Idk if Im making sense. Im just fucking sad and I miss him. Im to young to feel like this, feel like straight shit.
Well, call it fear food, call it bad food, call it junk food, call it non-vegan, call it not clean, call it high calories, call it dairy, (yes I cant seem to tolerate it), call it whatever, etc.
I got permission from my parents to 花钱消灾 - To put it bluntly, spending money to solve problems.
I took it as another meaning to attempt to "ease" my noisy mind that I disliked it, but I just wanted to get it over and done with.
Stupid rules.
I won't say I enjoyed it or whatever. But done is done.
Gotta deal with the rest...
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@mytwistedsoul
Hey Logan, I thought I let you know that I have temporary disabled my member account (mikenai22) and will move on to listener-only account (current one)
I wont know if it will improve my mentality or sort but will just try it out. Will update you if I change anything.
Don't worry I will still be around. Should I really move on from 7cups, I too will update.
@mikenai Thanks for letting me know :) I like your avatar btw
@mytwistedsoul
Don't worry about it.
Ah well, that avatar icon, I had been thinking what happened to it all along with the member account.
Then realised because it got attached to the account name instead.
So previously when support team got mixed up, and I too end up not sure what went wrong too... and didnt bother with logo anymore.
