Lost

@mikenai22 Wow I have been so horrible with keeping in touch with you. I am so sorry about that. In all honesty I've been having a hard time lately with things and having similar thoughts at times.

The anxiety is hard to deal with - I have an awful hard time with anxiety. It makes me think stupid things - adds to the nausea and makes me avoid things.

My "parents" taught by the cane too - well usually more belts or switches. But it was allways focused on what was done wrong. And for them - everything was wrong.

The waiting is exhausting - and there are times when the weight of everything is just so heavy - it only adds to the tiredness. You're right about the saying - everyones time is different. That doesn't mean we still don't want ours to arrive sooner but yet it's hard to move ahead when we're the ones holding us back. Sometimes I wonder if it's the fear of moving forward - the changes we need to make or if it's the fact that we're so used to where we are that we're comfortable because it's what we know. Idk - I guess that could be debated for months. Sometimes maybe it's just that we're so used to things not working that we just don't see the point in trying. But yet - we have to in order to get past where we are. It's just a huge circle - with the thoughts. And we're so quick to offer people advice but yet we can't seem to follow our own. Like you're telling people to do as I say - not as I do.

I'm sorry the job hunt isn't going well - but I must say that I'm impressed that you tried a few. Even if they weren't successful - you still tried and put forth an effort and put yourself out there.

It really sucks that you're still having all these pains and that no matter what you're doing - sitting or standing - it's still there. Could it be a chronic pain thing like - fibromyalgia? Or - Idk - if your nerve endings are aggravated? It's got to be so frustrating not being "heard" by the doctors. With the bad taste - could it be a bad tooth or I know there's things called tonsil stones that can cause things like that sometimes.

You're in my thoughts Mike - try to be gentle with yourself

@mytwistedsoul

Wow I have been so horrible with keeping in touch with you. I am so sorry about that. In all honesty I've been having a hard time lately with things and having similar thoughts at times.

Hey hey. I believe i mentioned before, its ok. You dont have to feel any obligations on remembering every details or what about me. I dont feel worthy of enough to be of that level of required entitlement. Just be causal along like you always do i think its great. - On the contary, since 7cups changes and stuffs. I been thinking to lay off/disable my account. I understand it can be tough. hence i dont blame you at your check-in timings. Though might feel lonely at times. But I think It should be something that it is comfortable for yourself, not for others.

The anxiety is hard to deal with - I have an awful hard time with anxiety. It makes me think stupid things - adds to the nausea and makes me avoid things.

Yes indeed. I read even more recently that yeah, anxiety/depression can actually induce nausea and even affect gut health. - which i believed you did mention previously too

My "parents" taught by the cane too - well usually more belts or switches. But it was allways focused on what was done wrong. And for them - everything was wrong.

belt. - oh my.

well wrong. depends on how one perceives. and how one wants to train or instill a certain message. cant really enforce.

The waiting is exhausting - and there are times when the weight of everything is just so heavy - it only adds to the tiredness. You're right about the saying - everyones time is different. That doesn't mean we still don't want ours to arrive sooner but yet it's hard to move ahead when we're the ones holding us back. Sometimes I wonder if it's the fear of moving forward - the changes we need to make or if it's the fact that we're so used to where we are that we're comfortable because it's what we know. Idk - I guess that could be debated for months. Sometimes maybe it's just that we're so used to things not working that we just don't see the point in trying. But yet - we have to in order to get past where we are. It's just a huge circle - with the thoughts. And we're so quick to offer people advice but yet we can't seem to follow our own. Like you're telling people to do as I say - not as I do.

exhausting. - 100% agree. I think I exposed enough of my mental/physical wellness in this and other threads.

what can i say about holding myself back - no idea... only one thing i guess. - just "f...ing" do it. - its always the start that is difficult

fear - for me, defintely. comfort well it is too, but i think that is 2nd to fear for me.

I'm sorry the job hunt isn't going well - but I must say that I'm impressed that you tried a few. Even if they weren't successful - you still tried and put forth an effort and put yourself out there.

its ok. many times i felt like giving up. cause i dont even wanna continue living, searching for life, or whatever. felt so pointless. yet i cannot affort to hurt others. which kinda made me trapped.

i understand about the part of continuous trying, but seeing the results just does not seem to aid... all it does is just make me feel worse about myself.

It really sucks that you're still having all these pains and that no matter what you're doing - sitting or standing - it's still there. Could it be a chronic pain thing like - fibromyalgia? Or - Idk - if your nerve endings are aggravated? It's got to be so frustrating not being "heard" by the doctors. With the bad taste - could it be a bad tooth or I know there's things called tonsil stones that can cause things like that sometimes.

Not sure... all i know is that the GPs that I have consulted, kept pushing me to go see psychiatrist. and dont even recommend any others. this sucks. and for me, i also felt very exhausted that i dont want to see any doctors anymore. wasting money, time, resources, energy and worse damaging my mentality and relationship with doctors.

You're in my thoughts Mike - try to be gentle with yourself

Thanks twistedsoul. You should also consider to put more energy and time for yourself.

@mikenai22 Hey Mike - I've been seeing you around here and there and I'm sorry things are so rough for you.

I can understand what you mean about the continuous trying - with the end result - it just make you feel worse. It takes alot of energy to get yourself together to go to a job interview and it has to be really frustrating to keep doing this and not getting any positive results. Is there something you could do - IDk - voluntary work - something that would make you feel like you're doing something fulfilling? Something that would - idk - just give you something to do.

I wish you had access to a different health care system. Access to someone who would listen to everything you're saying instead of just assuming you need mental help. I can't imagine how all of this makes you feel. No wonder you're so frustrated and everything feels so pointless. I am glad to see you still pushing through though - still holding on.

You're in my thoughts often Mike - I still wish good things for you

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

@mytwistedsoul

Hey Mike - I've been seeing you around here and there and I'm sorry things are so rough for you.

Hello, wow you noticed. Thanks twistedsoul. - I havent been in tune with myself, not really present in doing anything.

i kinda let go of my "restriction" and "ego" of holding back 7cups member oath - to entre group support.

hiaz twistedsoul - its ok. dont have to be sorry. it just sucks only for me. to not give myself a chance.

I can understand what you mean about the continuous trying - with the end result - it just make you feel worse. It takes alot of energy to get yourself together to go to a job interview and it has to be really frustrating to keep doing this and not getting any positive results. Is there something you could do - IDk - voluntary work - something that would make you feel like you're doing something fulfilling? Something that would - idk - just give you something to do.

Talking about work. I kinda, pushed myself to try one more time. just few hours ago... got a call. but the location is kinda at very near my old work place. and its kinda triggering. yet i dont wanna give up the opportunity.

Cant really decide. felt like giving up (Mind says 90% give up vs 10%) (Heart says 90% just do it vs 10% give up)

Voluntary - I cant really find something that kinda suit... my "okays" i.e. cook, location, timing, sociality, etc.

I know its to find something to do better than dwell in front of the computer daily... - although it is something i really like. But of recent i noticed this trend of stupidlity of wasting time. yet i felt better than doing others. but forcing myself to do "other" stuffs than computer gave even better satisfication, but reap very detrimental physical issues.

I wish you had access to a different health care system. Access to someone who would listen to everything you're saying instead of just assuming you need mental help. I can't imagine how all of this makes you feel. No wonder you're so frustrated and everything feels so pointless. I am glad to see you still pushing through though - still holding on.

I dont know - Honest.

It might be me who is the problem, and not wanting to accept. Hmm, thanks for reminding me about the continuous in pushing through - i never seem to notice it. Neither nor anyone close to me pointing it out. I also noticed that I am unable to hold proper communication to anyone.

You're in my thoughts often Mike - I still wish good things for you

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

Hey twistedsoul. Whenever you convey messages like "Thoughts", "Gentle", "Hope", somehow it just calms me down and for some unknown reason it eases and made me feels better. - i Dont know if it is placebo or comendation or show off or what. - The weight of the message felt so much stronger as compared to the messages and negativity that is around me.

How i wished if this "positive energy" can be flowed to me daily as compared to reality here in my zone - guess we are so far worlds apart. compared to the negative space that i am constricted to. - yes i am not a tree, i can move. but many claimed, its not time for me.

@mikenai22 I'm really glad to see you going around on the sight. Giving and getting support. There's nothing wrong with it in my opinion. Many hands make heavy work light.

Wow Thats great but kind of not huh? I know some time has past so I wonder what you decided? I was going to suggest maybe giving it a try - like a trial run. Just to see how it fits. But I really do understand getting triggered. At the same time it's also hard to really put yourself out there when you aren't feeling well.

I think sometimes when we aren't being heard we end up just keeping our mouths shut. It's hard to tell people and explain to them how it is that we feel. I know I have times when I feel as though I just keep saying the same thing over and over again. So I end up silencing myself because I'm tired of hearing my own words. But silence gets us no where too.

You do run through my mind Mike - everyday believe it or not. Sometimes it might be a recipe I see or maybe a blender or something. But you are in my thoughts. It makes me happy that those words from me help calm you. I do mean them. I wish so much that I could help you find some peace and have you feeling better.

It may not be time for you know But we have to keep hope that your time will come soon - yeah?

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

@mytwistedsoul

I'm really glad to see you going around on the sight. Giving and getting support. There's nothing wrong with it in my opinion. Many hands make heavy work light.

Don't know...

I get that feeling that something is wrong.

Somehow it is also in a way fueling my thoughts.

Its like the more I interface with it. The more my mind gets occupied with it.

Wow Thats great but kind of not huh? I know some time has past so I wonder what you decided? I was going to suggest maybe giving it a try - like a trial run. Just to see how it fits. But I really do understand getting triggered. At the same time it's also hard to really put yourself out there when you aren't feeling well.

I don't really know.

One hand, i feel that i might lose all my data. If i back'ed it up, i might just complusively read them for the sake of reading.

On another, i feel that if i let go off, i might brace something new. Fresh Air. But I might start to lose my way, lose my focus, lost of the constant kind "reminders" that i kind of need.

On another hand, i might even just fall back to my past...

I think sometimes when we aren't being heard we end up just keeping our mouths shut. It's hard to tell people and explain to them how it is that we feel. I know I have times when I feel as though I just keep saying the same thing over and over again. So I end up silencing myself because I'm tired of hearing my own words. But silence gets us no where too.

That's me. At least part of it feels like my past. I just kept everything in heart.

Pointless to keep harping. while nothing changes.

Yea, i can understand that doing nothing, means no output. But result may become disastrous. i.e. The "Mike" Now.

You do run through my mind Mike - everyday believe it or not. Sometimes it might be a recipe I see or maybe a blender or something. But you are in my thoughts. It makes me happy that those words from me help calm you. I do mean them. I wish so much that I could help you find some peace and have you feeling better.

I have been wondering, how do yourself and wise one put in the effort to be mindful of me.

Its so... hard. although sometimes i really wished for a response from yourself or wise one. Just to bring some spirits up.

It may not be time for you know But we have to keep hope that your time will come soon - yeah?

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

I really wish, twistedsoul... I really am.

You know just the other day. hiaz. very hard to openly discuss here...

Nevertheless thank you again. I duno how many times i need to repeat, but if i still can breathe in front of my keyboard.. i will just repeat... my thanks.

Hopefully one day i can truly mindfully appreciate and be grateful to both of you.

@mytwistedsoul @NoneTheWiser

@mikenai22 Hey Mike - thought I'd visit you here now :)

Do you think that some of it has to do with - Idk - maybe not being the only one going through things? Kind of like we get stuck in the mentality that we alone are just the only ones going through things? And now you see you aren't and it kind of makes you feel kind of overwhelmed. Allmost like a huge holy crap moment?

I kind of think maybe that where alot of us run into trouble - we hold things in our hearts. We sometimes take things to personally and if someone is having a bad day and maybe says something in a certain tone or uses certain words it hurts us. But we don't say anything - maybe because we feel bad for it or maybe because we can't find the words to explain how it made us feel. In away it does seem pointless - I know alot of times I feel like all I do is complain about the same stuff over and over again. But it's better to let it out - then it is to hold it inside.

I think of you as a friend Mike - aside from people on here - I don't have any other friends. As my friend I care about you. You don't need to say thank you - you really don't. We're just a bunch of friends - friends care and look after one another. With out any conditions or expectations.

I know it can be really hard to share thing here - because of it being an open forum - anyone can read what we write. But I want you to know that - anything you'd like to share with me is safe. I'm a really open minded person and I give you my word - I won't judge or laugh about anything important you have to say.

Be gentle with yourself Mike and your thoughts

@mytwistedsoul

Hey Mike - thought I'd visit you here now :)

Hello twistedsoul. Don't feel obligated. Chime in whenever you feel like it.

Do you think that some of it has to do with - Idk - maybe not being the only one going through things? Kind of like we get stuck in the mentality that we alone are just the only ones going through things? And now you see you aren't and it kind of makes you feel kind of overwhelmed. Allmost like a huge holy crap moment?

It is. I noticed I have this habit. Once something turns into kind of a habit or used to it - almost like a comfort feeling. I'll just repeat it. and then start goes the grinding and overwhelming mind. its like i want to "quit" out of it sometimes, but cant. cause it has somehow became a lifestyle, whether i like it or not.

I kind of think maybe that where alot of us run into trouble - we hold things in our hearts. We sometimes take things to personally and if someone is having a bad day and maybe says something in a certain tone or uses certain words it hurts us. But we don't say anything - maybe because we feel bad for it or maybe because we can't find the words to explain how it made us feel. In away it does seem pointless - I know alot of times I feel like all I do is complain about the same stuff over and over again. But it's better to let it out - then it is to hold it inside.

well, it depends on individuals and management. me? yea, i'm well known for allowing my emotions taking over me.

regarding letting it out, i dont really know. its like i duno who is the right person to really talk to. no matter how hard i been trying, its like so difficult to find a golden person that has "all answers" - Sorry twistedsoul, i hope you dont take it wrongly...

I think of you as a friend Mike - aside from people on here - I don't have any other friends. As my friend I care about you. You don't need to say thank you - you really don't. We're just a bunch of friends - friends care and look after one another. With out any conditions or expectations.

Somehow I kept forgetting. I dont really know why.

Guess you caught me that i am about the say words that my mind told me to.

For me, my deifnition and mentality of friends, is still totally wrong. Kinda feel like i am abusing the opportunities.

I know it can be really hard to share thing here - because of it being an open forum - anyone can read what we write. But I want you to know that - anything you'd like to share with me is safe. I'm a really open minded person and I give you my word - I won't judge or laugh about anything important you have to say.

Be gentle with yourself Mike and your thoughts

Well its not like i dont wanna share nor about trust, I have nothing to lose. But my concern is the information, because of the nature of the forum such that the information is not safe to be discussed here.

Thanks again twistedsoul, you too take care.

@mikenai22 I think I understand that - we get comfortable in the familiarity of things. Comfort in the habits - allmost like how people with OCD have to do things to feel comfortable. Has anyone mentioned that maybe you have OCD?

No offense taken - maybe there isn't just one golden person. Maybe it's a bunch of people offering advice and support. Because I don't think there is any one person that has all the answers

I don't think you're abusing anything. And there's alot of times that we do forget there are people rooting for us. Especially since in most cases - they're all online. It's not like they're people stopping over for coffee. Allthough at times I do think it would be cool if there was a way for us all to meet. Other times not so much because it would feel pretty awkward.

I think it was really neat what you did for mysticserendipity. I know he really enjoyed it too. That was a really nice thing to do. And if it helped calm your mind - thats a good thing. I find colors and patterns are soothing at time and if I remember correctly - that's something to do with OCD too. If that's the case you could be doing some of the things and be stuck where you are because of it. It's not your fault Mike. It has something to do with faulty brain circuitry. CBT can help with it and there are medications that help. There are a bunch of video's for CBT on youtube. It's possible you've allready seen them though. If you haven't - it's just a thought - yeah?

I can understand that - with sharing things on here. You have to do what's comfortable for you. No pressure - ever

Be gentle with yourself Mike and your thoughts

@mytwistedsoul

I think I understand that - we get comfortable in the familiarity of things. Comfort in the habits - allmost like how people with OCD have to do things to feel comfortable. Has anyone mentioned that maybe you have OCD?

I do noticed some of my behaviours are OCD-ish. Especially in my younger days, some of my weird habits are habituals or OCD induced. But slowly somehow i weaned off it.

Weird things like, washing hands again, checking if electricals are powered off again is like the state of questioning the mind if i have had done it kind.

No offense taken - maybe there isn't just one golden person. Maybe it's a bunch of people offering advice and support. Because I don't think there is any one person that has all the answers

I just dont like the fact that I have to constantly seek, search, find, fight, and you know, things aren't going anywhere. Look where, what, I am now. Totally no where, still at here ever since.

I don't think you're abusing anything. And there's alot of times that we do forget there are people rooting for us. Especially since in most cases - they're all online. It's not like they're people stopping over for coffee. Allthough at times I do think it would be cool if there was a way for us all to meet. Other times not so much because it would feel pretty awkward.

On the contary, especially this area of "online". Where it is easy to engage and disengage from. I sometimes start to wary and worry if i should also put 99.99% or 100% hopes on it.

Meet? Sure there are ways, it is more of whether or not oneself want to, willing to, and can accept the meetup. Along with the endless possibilities, pros and cons that can just happen.

I think it was really neat what you did for mysticserendipity. I know he really enjoyed it too. That was a really nice thing to do. And if it helped calm your mind - thats a good thing. I find colors and patterns are soothing at time and if I remember correctly - that's something to do with OCD too. If that's the case you could be doing some of the things and be stuck where you are because of it. It's not your fault Mike. It has something to do with faulty brain circuitry. CBT can help with it and there are medications that help. There are a bunch of video's for CBT on youtube. It's possible you've allready seen them though. If you haven't - it's just a thought - yeah?

Thank you, although i know i kind of can do it better. But I probably need to do deep dive research. Plus i'm still kinda concerned with information sensitivity, cause its in my own personal account.

Hope he (if its a he?) certainly did. I wont say it calm'ed my mind, but i used it to distract for that 30-45mins.

What I do noticed after sometime, is that when i have "task" to do, and i kinda pushed myself to it (i.e. replying to all the notifications in 7cups) i tend to forget about other stuffs, i.e. food, exercise, complusive, etc. although somehow it hurts once in a while kind of thing in terms of pain, worry, etc. But then these "tasks" gets repetitive and draining over time that my mind switches off, worse off that as of recent times my physical also starts switching off.

CBT - well, heard of, read abit but not really that good in practising it. perhaps if i have some time i'll explore again.

I can understand that - with sharing things on here. You have to do what's comfortable for you. No pressure - ever

Maybe since not much traffic in this thread, I'll share one quick short summary, and i hope it does not trigger you. I decolor'ed it below for sensitive information

I saw someone dead on the ground, opposite my block. Which closest assumption i can come up is suicide - because of the loud bang i heard minutes earlier. I did not witness the act. But the thoughts had been tramatising, haunting, heavy in me. Especially when I have the same thoughts too - yet I cant do it. I explained to people around me but nothing they can do to help me.

Be gentle with yourself Mike and your thoughts

Appreciate your kind thoughts and acts twistedsoul.

@mikenai22 Hey Mike - I apologize. I could have swore I replied to you and it seems I either didn't or it got lost in cyberspace. I hate when that happens

I hope you can see now how much that person enjoys and appreciates you taking the time to do that for him. Sometimes distractions are a good thing - if for nothing else other then to pass the time. I just think it's really nice of you do that for him - it was very thoughtful and considerate

What you shared with me here - wasn't triggering for me. But I imagine it must have been quite a shock for you seeing that. Especially hearing the sound before hand. It has one of the most memorable sounds. I'm sorry that noone talked to you about it. And it may be that it's not so much you want to do the same thing - you just want the hurt to stop. You want to enjoy life - free from pain and torment. So feeling that way but seeing the finality of the actual act it self would be traumatizing. Leave you conflicted maybe

I wanted to ask what you decided about that job? Even if you didn't take it - it's really good that you put yourself out there and tried. Alittle boost to your self confidence maybe? Allthough there was probably alot of other emotions too

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

@mytwistedsoul

Hey Mike - I apologize. I could have swore I replied to you and it seems I either didn't or it got lost in cyberspace. I hate when that happens

Hey twistedsoul. Its ok. Small thingy. Still you've checked back and replied. Don't self-blame for it. Not worth it.

I hope you can see now how much that person enjoys and appreciates you taking the time to do that for him. Sometimes distractions are a good thing - if for nothing else other then to pass the time. I just think it's really nice of you do that for him - it was very thoughtful and considerate

I was kind of shocked at how the person responded. As in like i was not expecting a response like that. Yet he/she replied in a very kind and appreciative manner.

About distractions, well I felt that it has been. kinda too long for me? as in like almost anything i been doing now is just like a distraction i feel.

Thank you for your kind thoughts.

What you shared with me here - wasn't triggering for me. But I imagine it must have been quite a shock for you seeing that. Especially hearing the sound before hand. It has one of the most memorable sounds. I'm sorry that noone talked to you about it. And it may be that it's not so much you want to do the same thing - you just want the hurt to stop. You want to enjoy life - free from pain and torment. So feeling that way but seeing the finality of the actual act it self would be traumatizing. Leave you conflicted maybe

Well, sound is one thing. But rather the haunting part is un-erase-able the "image" and the "memory" of the scene. Well, for now i can only say that the torment is tearing me both ways. Its like one side wants peace another wants solution. Be it a quick fix or whatever its a solution that "solves" problems - regardless of outcome.

Been repeating also that I cant truly see or view the wants/needs of myself. Be it goals, life, direction, fulfillment, desire, whatever. Hence seeing an misfortunate incident, only fuels the mind by adding it like a reasonable resolution option to a problem.

I wanted to ask what you decided about that job? Even if you didn't take it - it's really good that you put yourself out there and tried. Alittle boost to your self confidence maybe? Allthough there was probably alot of other emotions too

Sorry.. I didn't. You may assume as i chicken'ed out. Or maybe fear got into me again.

I pushed myself multiple times, but always end up running away when/before sending or trying.

I would say more of indecisiveness and not knowing myself or giving myself a chance.

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

Thank you, and as always take care twistedsoul.

@mikenai22 Hey Mike - It's ok to be fearful with the new job. I don't think of it as chickening out. You still tried and that takes courage.

I really do understand what you mean - with what you witness. Kind of like it pulls you but repels you at the same time. I get drawn to that sometimes - i just want to feel peace and sometimes I think I'd do anything to get it

OldSerendipityBoat really did enjoy it and seems to enjoy when you visit his thread. It's really is nice to see you reaching out to other people.

I wanted to ask - does it help you see that you aren't so alone? Like on my thread - the things you may have read - I know I'm kind of messed up mentally - but it helps me to know that I'm not alone with some of what I struggle with. We all have our battles inside and while they may be different things we're fighting - we're all fighting something. Idk - I guess I thought maybe it would help you have compassion for yourself with what you're going through

Be gentle with yourself MIke and your thoughts

@mytwistedsoul

Hey Mike - It's ok to be fearful with the new job. I don't think of it as chickening out. You still tried and that takes courage.

I wonder if i did it for the sake of it or am i checking some unfufilled boxes or am i truly geniune.

It just felt so bad. One moment like I felt great for trying it, one moment I felt like chickening out, another moment I felt like I wasted my opportunities.

I really do understand what you mean - with what you witness. Kind of like it pulls you but repels you at the same time. I get drawn to that sometimes - i just want to feel peace and sometimes I think I'd do anything to get it

Appreciate your understanding. Still happens to me once in a while. Nothing I can do to take it off. Especially when I walk past it (the area) almost daily. Or rather just viewable right outside of the kitchen window.

OldSerendipityBoat really did enjoy it and seems to enjoy when you visit his thread. It's really is nice to see you reaching out to other people.

Hope so. Honestly, I cant really tell between right, wrong, true, false, etc. This character of mine is what led me to easily trampled with during my employed days.

I don't know if i should really continue. Sometimes I feel like i should really just stop, and move on.

I wanted to ask - does it help you see that you aren't so alone? Like on my thread - the things you may have read - I know I'm kind of messed up mentally - but it helps me to know that I'm not alone with some of what I struggle with. We all have our battles inside and while they may be different things we're fighting - we're all fighting something. Idk - I guess I thought maybe it would help you have compassion for yourself with what you're going through

Its not about the I'm alone in the war of mine and seeking for some comfort/consolance.

But rather its the sadness that others are facing difficulties and I am here pushing more pain to them. Them as in not only yourself inclusive, pressing others like in real and digital life.

I'm not gona judge you based on your writings - Not that I dont care, please dont... be mis-understood. But it just sad, and that I am kinda adding more load to others, when they have their own.

For myself, i don't really know what is the "thing" i am seeking for. Compassion? Solutions? Answers? Peace? Whatever? Or is it some sort of complusive behavior/habit that i mindlessly created that became unhealthy. This war of mine, this daily struggles, its like i'm going against the grind every single moment of my life. I been wondering, is it worth the effort? is it what I want? is it correct/wrong (no right/wrong - yea i know)? what should i really be doing? but if I follow the should instead of my mind/heart/soul, it just does not seem to run well. its like a strong resistance with every single thing.

Be gentle with yourself MIke and your thoughts

twistedsoul. why i always forget this.

thank you.

@mikenai22 Hi Mike.

I can understand that. While it might be hard to say one way or another. I look at it as an accomplishment. Instead of staying at home in your room, you did try. Maybe it was just to check off the box, you still went to the effort of going and submitting a resume. The fact that they called back for an interveiw says that they saw something worthy in it. That says something good about you as a person.

It would be hard to have that stuck in your mind when your so close to where it happened. It's a constant. You can't get away from it. That would play on my imagination. The thoughts of what if, toying with the idea of whether I could do something so final like that.

The grandparents used to have a saying, "many hands make heavy work light". While we're all here for one reason or another. There is strength in numbers. We share our burdens. In going around and offering support to others, in many ways it's helpful to us. It allows us to connect with others who are also going through difficult times. Helps us to not feel so alone. And in some cases, leads to feeling good because we may have made someone's day by reaching out to them. I really am glad to see you being more active here. I'm sure it has led to conflicting feeling for you though. It's okay to want companionship and understanding. I think in some ways, it helps with the self compassion. If other people understand what we're saying and feeling and their alright with it, then perhaps it's okay for us to be okay with it too. I, myself, really do see it as a good thing.

Be gentle with yourself Mike, and your thoughts.

@mytwistedsoul

Hi Mike.

Hey twistedsoul. Been awhile.

I can understand that. While it might be hard to say one way or another. I look at it as an accomplishment. Instead of staying at home in your room, you did try. Maybe it was just to check off the box, you still went to the effort of going and submitting a resume. The fact that they called back for an interveiw says that they saw something worthy in it. That says something good about you as a person.

I can never think of it that way. Most of the time i only just see the end part only, which... is the rejection or i fear out.

It would be hard to have that stuck in your mind when your so close to where it happened. It's a constant. You can't get away from it. That would play on my imagination. The thoughts of what if, toying with the idea of whether I could do something so final like that.

Yea, until today it is still.. floating around. Has been very "irritating".

The grandparents used to have a saying, "many hands make heavy work light". While we're all here for one reason or another. There is strength in numbers. We share our burdens.

Well likewise the saying for goals/objectives. By breaking it down ot smaller pieces, it will feel much more achieveable. anyways not directly related by i thought the concept is similar.

In going around and offering support to others, in many ways it's helpful to us. It allows us to connect with others who are also going through difficult times. Helps us to not feel so alone.

Well yes and no i say. sometimes i keep fearing of saying wrong things. damaging both parties by accident... mentally and physically (in case)... but yea i do somewhat agree that it might help actually. well... i dont know how to comment about the being "alone"

And in some cases, leads to feeling good because we may have made someone's day by reaching out to them. I really am glad to see you being more active here. I'm sure it has led to conflicting feeling for you though. It's okay to want companionship and understanding. I think in some ways, it helps with the self compassion. If other people understand what we're saying and feeling and their alright with it, then perhaps it's okay for us to be okay with it too. I, myself, really do see it as a good thing.

Definitely if you did a good job out.

well... to be honest, i am almost doing nothing other than 7cups... that is like my day.

Be gentle with yourself Mike, and your thoughts.

Thank you for checking back twistedsoul.

Nah... i havent been... it is so difficult.

@mikenai22 I worry about the same thing. Worry if something gets taken the wrong way or if maybe I wrote it wrong. The last thing I want to do it cause someone pain. The only problem is that worry feeds my anxiety - and my anxiety makes me quiet sometimes

Well right now - that is about the only thing left to do right now. This stupid virus has everyone staying at home. Not that I went out much to begin with. Now going out just makes me more paranoid because you have to worry about getting sick or in my case - sometimes I worry I might sneeze or something in public and mentally I can see everyone taking a step back and away from me - thinking I've got it or something

I saw you mentioned somewhere about where you live going into lock down. It's kind of scary when it gets to that point

I can understand that - I'm not getnle with myself or my thoughts all the time - if at all some days. It doesn't matter how many times I say it to other people - I don't practice my own words

@mytwistedsoul

I worry about the same thing. Worry if something gets taken the wrong way or if maybe I wrote it wrong. The last thing I want to do it cause someone pain. The only problem is that worry feeds my anxiety - and my anxiety makes me quiet sometimes

Although i wished if there was something to overcome it. But I and perhaps yourself know that the only way to overcome, is by... really facing it.

Well right now - that is about the only thing left to do right now. This stupid virus has everyone staying at home. Not that I went out much to begin with. Now going out just makes me more paranoid because you have to worry about getting sick or in my case - sometimes I worry I might sneeze or something in public and mentally I can see everyone taking a step back and away from me - thinking I've got it or something

My country just almost went to a semi-like lockdown state.

Wow. The thoughts you mentioned, never crossed my mind.

Now I'm starting to be thinking about it. - Cause our government/news also started writing about "encouraged" use of masks now irregardless of medical condition.

So far my deepest concern is still... my diet issues, and whether if supermarkets are empty...

And the usual pains, calories, nutrition, hunger, money, sleep, and more

I saw you mentioned somewhere about where you live going into lock down. It's kind of scary when it gets to that point

Indeed to add on, the latest bill has been imposed for charges for those who breaches them.

I dont want to say scary, though i am already, anxiety provoking not knowing what to do.

But it's kinda restrictive and tough to get things around, when my mental state is so restrictive to begin with.

I can understand that - I'm not getnle with myself or my thoughts all the time - if at all some days. It doesn't matter how many times I say it to other people - I don't practice my own words

how, i dont want to do those funny or weird stuffs like, snapping self with rubber bands, or walking with the quotes right in front of me. although there were moments in times, where i almost wanted to post/paint/write words on walls to make them full of quotes. just to remind myself.

well, about practising of words. sometimes its just weird, the awkwardness when we can try to help others, yet unable to motivate/push/force oneself to give that opportunity to attempt.

hiaz... take care meanwhile twistedsoul.

@mikenai22 You're right - facing it is probably the ony way to over come it - but that scary too isn't it?

We've been on the isolation thing here too - You're only supposed to go out for groceries and pharmacy stuff. But alot of stuff is really picked out or they just don't have it. They just announced that alot of places are closing because of employees getting sick. Farmers have been dumping their crops because they can't move it to where it belongs. In some states you aren't allowed to cross state lines. Attempting to do so will result in a steep fine and possible arrest. Which is no big deal to me - I have no desire to really go anywhere. I do miss human contact though sometimes. And I don't like worrying about when I do out for something - all the precautions we have to take. Wiping the carts - wearing a mask - worrying if I touched my face. It is really anxiety inducing and triggers alot of OCD stuff

Hopefully they get this whole situation straightened out soon. I hope you're doing your best to stay safe and take care of yourself

You've been in my thoughts Mike - Be gentle with yourself

@mytwistedsoul

You're right - facing it is probably the ony way to over come it - but that scary too isn't it?

Fear. What's more in my or perhaps everyone's mind?

We've been on the isolation thing here too - You're only supposed to go out for groceries and pharmacy stuff. But alot of stuff is really picked out or they just don't have it. They just announced that alot of places are closing because of employees getting sick. Farmers have been dumping their crops because they can't move it to where it belongs. In some states you aren't allowed to cross state lines. Attempting to do so will result in a steep fine and possible arrest. Which is no big deal to me - I have no desire to really go anywhere. I do miss human contact though sometimes. And I don't like worrying about when I do out for something - all the precautions we have to take. Wiping the carts - wearing a mask - worrying if I touched my face. It is really anxiety inducing and triggers alot of OCD stuff

Guess its pretty much everywhere now. News are just depressing.

I've been trying to go out for runs but only during wee hours. - Wait, I have been doing it for long anyways.

I dont kinda like the trapped feeling, since im already confined in a space... in a small room. the rest of the house is "not accessible" in my mind. - though i dont favor going out either, i.e. no objective, $, missing out on calories, etc.

And yea the rules and regulations, the latest bill releases are kinda strict.

zzz, yea all the cleaniness sanitary and stuffs, expectations, what not. Even people on the streets are like... very "self-less" now. I got nagged by a lady in supermarket for browsing of products. Just because i stood at the shelfs where the queues were in line.

hiaz.

Hopefully they get this whole situation straightened out soon. I hope you're doing your best to stay safe and take care of yourself

I really wished too. At least we can kinda put this off and... lesser of 1 more worry and work on other stuffs...

even though i cant put my energy on them

You've been in my thoughts Mike - Be gentle with yourself

Thanks twistedsoul. I guess its my turn.

sad. the other day just bombed SGD$266 on useless medications.

@mikenai22 I'm glad you're trying to be careful with your runs. I know the rules here have gotten pretty strict. You can't go into anywhere without a mask on. Wipe things off - don't touch your face. I allways kind of worried about people befor but now - holy cow. It's like some sort of weird dance when there's other people around. Everyone trying to stay 6 foot away and avoid each other. See the aisles alittle blocked - go the whole way around to around what ever it is blocking it. People are tired of it and it's making them impatient with everyone. I know I hate having to wear a mask sometimes. It feels consticting and doesn't let you breath right. We usually have alot of farmers markets this time of year. Fruits and vegetable type things but even they're shut down right now - so the farmers are having a hard time of it too

I'm sorry to hear you spent that kind of money of medicines that don't work. I know how frustrating that can be. Especially right now - I know the unemployment rate right now is amazing. BEcause of the lockdowns no one can go to work - unless you're what the call essential workers. Healthcare - Gov stuff. Which is ok for me - I work for myself pretty much. But I do feel for the other people with families to take care of and rents to pay. It must be scary for them having an uncertain future

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

@mytwistedsoul

I'm glad you're trying to be careful with your runs. I know the rules here have gotten pretty strict. You can't go into anywhere without a mask on. Wipe things off - don't touch your face. I allways kind of worried about people befor but now - holy cow. It's like some sort of weird dance when there's other people around. Everyone trying to stay 6 foot away and avoid each other. See the aisles alittle blocked - go the whole way around to around what ever it is blocking it. People are tired of it and it's making them impatient with everyone. I know I hate having to wear a mask sometimes. It feels consticting and doesn't let you breath right. We usually have alot of farmers markets this time of year. Fruits and vegetable type things but even they're shut down right now - so the farmers are having a hard time of it too

Just when you were saying. i'm starting to compensate or adding laps again... or... complusive returns by cardio... sad.

sometimes i wished, i can "workout" in a better manner. like sort of activities with "returns" or effectiveness.

Its really sad though.. seeing the situation around now. everyone's struggling in their manner.

Everything had to detour, life changes, habit changes, mentality changes, situation adapts/improves/detoriates, and me... not willing to wake up, move on, embrace fears, etc.

I'm sorry to hear you spent that kind of money of medicines that don't work. I know how frustrating that can be. Especially right now - I know the unemployment rate right now is amazing. BEcause of the lockdowns no one can go to work - unless you're what the call essential workers. Healthcare - Gov stuff. Which is ok for me - I work for myself pretty much. But I do feel for the other people with families to take care of and rents to pay. It must be scary for them having an uncertain future

hiaz. it hurts. now i am even comtemplating to visit psych's - feeling pointless to trash $ on them.

but some of the work and employment support agencies are like... asking for medical support letter for improved condition before proceeding... this hurts. i dont wanna go back to the hospital. yes because of the scale, yes because of money, yes because of medicines, yes also that the psych's are not going to issue that recommendation for work letter either.

actually in fact, everything is uncertain now. is like the next moment, any thing can happen. i dont even know what i needed is stocked at supermarket or not. i dont even know when will the sales (online) will end... i dont even know why same food can digest differently on different days.

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

shit... now is my turn to forget. thanks... twistedsoul. you too please take good care of yourself.

@NoneTheWiser

Hi Mike

Hi Wise One.

I'm sorry it's been so long since I've written.

It is ok. Don't apologise. It is ok. Wait I repeated it twice.

You have been in my thoughts a lot the last couple days. How are you?

Wow. I'm grateful and thankful. - Shit i wished i can put more heart into the feelings than just typing it out.

Not good. - Same old weakness. Still the self-"harm". Difficulty to cross barriers. Unwillingly to move on. Suicidal thoughts, yet cant do it. Self-Hurt Mental tug of war.

And just of 2 days ago. - I crashed, and gave up every single thing. Its so difficult to figure everything. Making decisions. Failing. Embracing. Pains. Sorrows. Feelings.

How have things been going with the technology unplugging you mentioned before? Do you find it's better for you to unplug completely or find a balance?

Actually, i find it hard to unplug to be honest.

Somehow there is a need to find a balance instead of restricting.

However as of the 2 days ago. I had that "conscious" thought again of stopping. Or even desperate to quit/remove/revoke everything. Start over or whatever.

If you were to ask me that 2nd question. At my current state of mine, I will say unplug completely. At my previous perhaps still slightly better state, i will reckon balance. Because balancing is the act of mental awareness, consciousness and being present. Not trying to run away or forcefully revoke, because something dont work well. Which may cause undesired results. However this is my personal opinion. Everyone sure will have their own.

I hope you have been getting some relief, physically and mentally. I can only imagine how exhausted you must be at times.

No. Sorry.

Things have been a bit stressful on my end too unfortunately. There are ups and downs. I do have some good moments. I'm just having a lot of big life changes. And have a lot of unanswered questions about my mental health. Some things seem to be getting worse. I think i may literally be losing my mind. But - i don't know. Like i said there are good days, good times. I have 3 young children i really enjoy spending time with. Sorry, heh, I feel like maybe I got weird there.

I see. But then, I am happy to see that you recongised them both goods and bads. - Perhaps a little pat on your back to say "good job" recongising them.

Life changes are highly challenging, especially stuffs that aren't based on one's perspective/expectation. I'm not a good advisor, only thing i can say now is that you stay strong as much as possible. Its ok even if you fall sometimes. Heck even if it is everytime. Most important is that you are still trying.

Good Days and Times. - Wait, wow. 3 of them? Another pat on your back that you are being a capable of raising them. An additional one that you identified that you enjoyed spending time with them.

Well, dont worry about the weird-ness part - These "Ah Ha" moments come up/come out suddenly only when you reflect. - I kinda noticed that once in a while too. But its so hard to push it out. Be it the energy to even reflect.

Take good care of you, Mike. I know it must be difficult at this point to be patient with the situation. Try to be patient with yourself when you can. I'll be thinking of you.

Sorry wise one. This is where i say I cant. I realised I cant do it.

No matter how much i push. No matter how much others tried their best to support/aid/motivate me.

I only say I disappoint everyone.

@NoneTheWiser

Hi Mike,

Hi WiseOne. Sorry it took awhile to garner energy to reply you. Keep fainting off.

You have not disappointed me. You are still alive. Therefore I am happy. You are still here trying different solutions, figuring out what might be best for you. As frustrating and as much pain as you're in, you keep going. You have called the hotlines. You have taken breaks when you needed to. No, I for one am not disappointed, Mike.

Red - I have been reminding myself this. But I am not anyway appreciative, grateful, nor anything else. Some of them yes i can type them out. But I often thought if i ever gave myself a chance to feel it. Than just process via the mind and write it.

Blue - Interesting. Thanks for reminding me something perhaps I have forgotten throughout the journey. I'm probably not seeing it well and not appreciating the efforts that I actually placed in. Perhaps I am overexpecting of myself, or not willing to give myself a chance. Or maybe worring that others are judging me - that I am going no where.

Green - I dont know what to say. But..rather I am surprised that you managed to summarised my actions in simple sentences that I actually missed out (blue). For that I am appreciative (noticed I am typing out my mind... not feeling it). Oh well... what can i say, I'm probably those masochist type. Only like hurt self for no reason.

I'm sorry things have been so difficult lately. I'm sorry you're in so much pain physically and emotionally.

Its ok. Like said, I brought upon this devestation to myself. Dont be sorry.

But yea, it truly hurts in both physical and mental.

I understand going back and forth about balance or unplugging completely. There really are positives and negatives with each choice.

Actually there are moments in time, where I thought of unplugging permenantly. Once the habit is kicked out. Perhaps I might think, change, act, behave differently. I notice sometimes such torturing methods works. - only. Little pep actions are rather... daunting to the mind only.

Things have been going a little better here lately. I have a couple big life changes ahead of me this week that are a little scary, but they will bring great relief at the same time. Also, I got a dog recently. :) I guess that's all my news.

Wow... good good. ooo? doggie? hahas. great to have another companion right?

Me, well, i been doing nothing. As in no progress. Just stalling time.

You are in my thoughts often. I too hope as Soul says you can be gentle with yourself sometimes. Each of us deserves that now and again, just a kind word to ourselves or not to be quite so harsh when we make a mistake. That is my wish for you.

Thank you.. Especially both of you whom been keeping up with me.

Unfortunately - No wait, its not unfortunately. Its like... I perhaps dont give myself that opportunity or chance to. Hiaz...

@NoneTheWiser

Hi Mike. This is just a general check-in to see how you are and let you know you're in my thoughts.

hey wise one. sorry i dont feel so good this moment. i'll just leave a simple reply and maybe a better one later.

thanks for keeping me in check.

How are things going?

many times i have been questioning myself.

if i should

- discard the computer, mobile, internet

- delete/revoke/remove all my social media, articles, playlists, collections and stuffs

perhaps the emptier it is the easier to forget, let go, and maybe start fresh again

that's all.

take care wise one.

@NoneTheWiser

Perhaps i should give it a go... probably for the betterment?

Or maybe at least to say i tried.

Still feeling very heavy. Perhaps I'll write back another time.

Im 17& Im a girl. Id say Ive always been pretty sad. Nobody really notices it because Im actually really good at hiding it. I feel like Im a very private person? I dont like it when people are in my business but I do feel a weight lifted off of my shoulders when people ask me if Im alright you know? Cause it shows they care. Idk, life has been hitting me ever since my boyfriend died. He was addicted to drugs but was really good at hiding it cause I dont think he wanted to worry me. I always thought he was avoiding me cause he was with other girls and would always argue with him over girls when in reality he was somewhere getting high and just didnt want me to know.. my friends were awful support. They always told me to get over it cause everyone dies eventually and I would just get quiet cause its not like theyre wrong, but it just hurt me more and made me want to pass. Im a junior in high school and I met him in 7th grade. He passed on the 11th of September. Its only been 6 months and Im still really sad about it. I cry every night cause I loved him so much. And I never really got to say that to him cause I realized how much pride I had when it came to him. I never expressed how I felt about him cause he was the boy everyone wanted and I thought maybe if I let him express how he felt about me itll make me feel better in a way. Idk if Im making sense. Im just fucking sad and I miss him. Im to young to feel like this, feel like straight shit.

Well, call it fear food, call it bad food, call it junk food, call it non-vegan, call it not clean, call it high calories, call it dairy, (yes I cant seem to tolerate it), call it whatever, etc.

I got permission from my parents to 花钱消灾 - To put it bluntly, spending money to solve problems.

I took it as another meaning to attempt to "ease" my noisy mind that I disliked it, but I just wanted to get it over and done with.

Stupid rules.

I won't say I enjoyed it or whatever. But done is done.

Gotta deal with the rest...

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@mytwistedsoul

Hey Logan, I thought I let you know that I have temporary disabled my member account (mikenai22) and will move on to listener-only account (current one)

I wont know if it will improve my mentality or sort but will just try it out. Will update you if I change anything.

Don't worry I will still be around. Should I really move on from 7cups, I too will update.

@mikenai Thanks for letting me know :) I like your avatar btw

@mytwistedsoul

Don't worry about it.

Ah well, that avatar icon, I had been thinking what happened to it all along with the member account.

Then realised because it got attached to the account name instead.

So previously when support team got mixed up, and I too end up not sure what went wrong too... and didnt bother with logo anymore.

@mytwistedsoul

Hey twistedsoul. I am going to try another push.

I will disable this listener account for probably another week.

I understand the pros and cons of having these platforms as support, especially when we are down.

Likewise inversely when we help lift others up.

Somehow something feels slightly better, but still partially doesn't feel right.

I know we cant run from hard truths forever and gotta face it one day or another.

I understand it has had been quite a long journey for you and myself, finding souls, meanings, trashing pains, sorrows, sharing tips, aids, support, even motivation or just simple gentle reminders. Though i still fail to remind myself to be gentle at times.

Nevertheless, if it has to end. I don't know what could be of a better solution.

I will try it out and come back and share my thoughts.

If somehow I don't, please do minimumly take care of yourself. - I dont think I am that kind of person.

@mikenai Thank you for letting me know. I'm sorry I havent been very good at offering support to you lately. Tbh - most days I don't come in here as often as I used to. Which is a weak excuse on my part.

Do you think the listener training helped you to come to this decision? Idk - I mean did it help you understand things? You're right though. You do what works best for you.

I'm glad I got the chance to know you and I'm glad to call you friend. I hope you'll take care of yourself amd I hope you find a way to make peace with life and find happiness. You deserve it Mike

I wish you the best - go kick some butt :)

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

@mytwistedsoul

Thank you for letting me know. I'm sorry I havent been very good at offering support to you lately. Tbh - most days I don't come in here as often as I used to. Which is a weak excuse on my part.

Don't mention.

Hey no obligations, no expectations from each other.

Don't shoulder it as a burden or mandatory requirement to support me. - Although honestly, sometimes in my mind heart and soul certainly hoped for the inverse. As in like... a companion to just talk things out irregardless of outcome.

Please don't apologise, nor see it as like you have to. Otherwise it just only strains both parties mentality of supporting each other. - Everyone has their good/bad days.

Do you think the listener training helped you to come to this decision? Idk - I mean did it help you understand things? You're right though. You do what works best for you.

Actually I havent tried. Somehow I cant push myself mentally for it. Maybe I shall give it abit more time and see if i can step up and step in in future.

Things kinda messy in my head. So I thought of laying down the member account. Which... felt awkwardly lighter. Despite missing it. Despite missing on the companionship. But I'm still obssessing over checking of notifications, but the listener account is too fresh and there is nothing there.

I'm glad I got the chance to know you and I'm glad to call you friend. I hope you'll take care of yourself amd I hope you find a way to make peace with life and find happiness. You deserve it Mike

Thank you twistedsoul. Thanks one more time, for recongising me as a friend. In real life, I dont even have any left. (very disrespectful of me) Sometimes I even wonder if I should even call my parents as family, closed ones, parents)

I will try to, even to be first of all mindful, although of late i have been even way worse in treating self. But the usual, no gurantees.

I too wish I find my path. But... nvm... guessing you know what I will write.

You too deserve likewise, not only me. Don't forget about yourself.

I wish you the best - go kick some butt :)

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

Thank you again Jordan. Yes. I will try. You too please don't shoulder too much. I know its easy to type not easy to remember nor act. But least start off mindfully aware and slowly act on.

I'm done.

@mytwistedsoul

Hey Jordan.

I know it is kind of overdue, that I mentioned to be back. Or may not be back anymore.

Learnt stuffs, Felt stuffs, even anxiety, overcoming the "lack" of something, missing out of notification checking.

Honestly though, there are moments i felt lighter, yet there are moments where i felt like i need to just blast text out, or perhaps just linger, chat, <anything> with a community.

I wonder of which will be a better idea or solution.

Actually, before I should determine a solution or point that as a fault. Rather I think there should be a balance of everything.

It is ok to be around sometimes, and let go of sometimes. Don't have to be over engrossed, over perfect. Otherwise it is either burnout, or complusive, or pointless routines.

Nevertheless I will leave my accounts open. And see how I can progress further, hopefully to strengthen my mind for a better self one day.

That is if I can.

PS : I hope you have been doing well. If so, great! If there have been low/sad days. It is ok too. Don't press yourself too hard. Ok?

@mikenai Hey Mike! It's really good to see you! :)

There was no real set time limit - you needed to do what you needed to do - yeah? I'm glad to hear that there wa some fairly good things that you discovered. I think you're right about finding a balance of things. That it's ok to come here and chat with people - to blast that text out and talk with people - but at the same time taking that step back when you need to - to have quiet time for yourself and to maybe pursue other things. Like you said - it's ok to be around sometimes and to let go other times. The thing to try to remember - and as I'm sure you've noticed - Cups will be here. The people will be here - If you take a day off or a week. There will allways be someone here

It occured to me the other day - that you and I have been talking to each other for over a year - can you believe it? It kind of surprised me tbh - because it doesn't feel that long. And I thought - well - that maybe it's time I'm alittle more open with you - I hope that's ok - if not please disregard this - ok? No harm done and I won't think any less of you

First I thought perhaps my name - I'm sure you noticed that I refer to myself as J - there's only one other person that knows my real name here so let me blast it publically - lol. Not that it really matters I suppose. My given name is Jesse - which I'm not crazy about - so I go by J. Allthough Jordon is a much nicer name in my opinion. I'm sure you've also noticed there are posts with the name Logan at the end of them. Logan is an alter of mine. I have DID - Dissociative Identity Disorder. Years ago I guess they called it multiple personality disorder. We are a system of 12 - different personalities - different people. With different tastes in everything - different ways of talking - different ways of doing things. We have different memories. They actually hold most of the childhood memories there are. It comes from severe child abuse and neglect - they formed as a way to survive the trauma. Now please know - I'm not telling you this to look for sympathy or pity or anything. I just thought it was time to tell you some of my story because it seemed right to do so. I'm kind of secretive about it because - well I've been asked so really stupid questions about it because of the movies they have out there. I'm not violent - not to other people - allthough I do SH at times. I often feel alittle like a freak because of it or I concider myself a monster - because I know it's not normal. Most people have one set person they are - not a bunch of different ones. So - well - since I concider you a friend I wanted to share this with you. I understand though if it makes you take a step back and I alos understand if it's something you need to think about. I hope though that maybe - you'll take a moment to maybe look into it alittle before you make any quick decisions. I'm still basically the same guy you've talked to. But It's entirely up to you - ok? No pressure - no obligations. It's alot to take in and understand - believe me I know lol - so - it's up to you. I'm also open to any questions you might have too - ok?

I hope you're still trying to be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. It is really is good to see you again MIke :)

@mytwistedsoul

Hey Mike! It's really good to see you! :)

Well, Hello there. Nice to hear respond from you again.

There was no real set time limit - you needed to do what you needed to do - yeah? I'm glad to hear that there wa some fairly good things that you discovered. I think you're right about finding a balance of things. That it's ok to come here and chat with people - to blast that text out and talk with people - but at the same time taking that step back when you need to - to have quiet time for yourself and to maybe pursue other things. Like you said - it's ok to be around sometimes and to let go other times. The thing to try to remember - and as I'm sure you've noticed - Cups will be here. The people will be here - If you take a day off or a week. There will allways be someone here

You know something that I have been telling my counsellor only - Not to anyone else. Is that I can somehow only, reflect such thoughts, when I type. I cant really act nor think rationally when I am alone with myself. Its like as if the mind and the words I type out are so different in souls. Whether or not i learnt or discovered useful stuffs or even if no progress or not, I think for now, I can only treat it as a different experience. Sometimes I had this feeling of maybe its for the "best/better" like you mentioned that 7Cups will always be here. I never once thought of that. Well, actually I might even want to go on/off break. Or even more "self-fish" mentality, to take a longer or a on/off break. Of course I think the best is still if i can manage myself to come in if i truly want to. Not because of complusive actions kind of style.

It occured to me the other day - that you and I have been talking to each other for over a year - can you believe it? It kind of surprised me tbh - because it doesn't feel that long. And I thought - well - that maybe it's time I'm alittle more open with you - I hope that's ok - if not please disregard this - ok? No harm done and I won't think any less of you

Well, yea. It had been, or longer? The choice of being more open, relaxed or not, the choice is yours. There aint a need to share everything. Everyone's had their comfort level. Plus the internet's a scary place.

Harm or not done, well, sometimes it just happened (like the mentality accident with wise one - well i cant recover that relationship anymore), sometimes it teaches lessons, somtimes sadly oneself has just to hold back. Just like the way I have been "living". this restrictive or "egoistic/stubborn" mentality which is only causing hurt.

First I thought perhaps my name - I'm sure you noticed that I refer to myself as J - there's only one other person that knows my real name here so let me blast it publically - lol. Not that it really matters I suppose. My given name is Jesse - which I'm not crazy about - so I go by J. Allthough Jordon is a much nicer name in my opinion. I'm sure you've also noticed there are posts with the name Logan at the end of them.

First of all - Opps!!! I sincerely apologise. I must have mistaken it. Or like you mentioned otherwise.

But i have to be honest that i dont feel comfortable at times addressing yourself in that manner. Felt abit disrespectful. Many times I tell myself to use your ID instead to be courteous, but yet sometimes I felt that there is a need to pull in some strength to the message by writing more relative by "closer". So that one feels more comfortable. But its just my thought. Perhaps my original mentality of using ID perhaps still resonate better.

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You know, being able to see that, feel that, type that, explain that in that clarity. I just got this feeling that you are strong in understanding yourself much more better. Nah, dont worry about pity or what not. Everyone, including myself, we have each our traits, strengths, and weakness-es. Whether to tell yourself, tell others, reveal to the world or just to some, or even confine to yourself only. It is ok. I kept having this feeling that minimally is that you are sensibily aware of it, which is more of importance. I know things happens sometimes, be it mindfully, or not, its hard to control at times. Normal? Nah, what is normal? There ain't a guideline for it. You can set it yourself, put yourself to either to extremes, self-judgement, or allow others to set it. Its either your'e living your life, or living other's life. What's the comparision for?

So - well - since I concider you a friend I wanted to share this with you. I understand though if it makes you take a step back and I alos understand if it's something you need to think about. I hope though that maybe - you'll take a moment to maybe look into it alittle before you make any quick decisions. I'm still basically the same guy you've talked to. But It's entirely up to you - ok? No pressure - no obligations. It's alot to take in and understand - believe me I know lol - so - it's up to you. I'm also open to any questions you might have too - ok?

I appreciate that you chose to share with me. I wonder how it felt when you chose to share. Lighter? Much relaxed? or even Tensed?

Decision to? For me, i think is more of understanding much more better. You mean, that because of something I have to stand or judge or act or communicate differently? Nah... Unless we are talking about things that may inflict damage, hurt, or what not. Otherwise I dont feel there is a need to set expectations or rules or even to worse "pity". Perhaps some sort of consolement but not the because "i said this", so "i expect this treatment" from now on. (Well it depends on situation also i guess sometimes. So gotta I tread the waters carefully before i hurt anyone including yourself/myself)

I hope you're still trying to be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. It is really is good to see you again MIke :)

Hmm reflecting back now, I havent been "gentle".

Nevertheless, still stuffs happened and sucky still.

But yea, great to still see you around twistedsoul.

@mikenai Hey Mike - I think - Idk maybe this sounds weird. But coming on here and talking with people helps keep me connected - when I'm alone my thoughts tend to scatter and it's allmost as if they look for things I can either obsess on or they go looking for trouble. And it only take just tiny piece for them to get out of control and I start to either get anxious or depressed.in some ways being on here helps keep me plugged in. Just typing this now - I can actually feel myself start to calm down alittle - the edge of anxiety is dulling down some.

No need to apologize - I just thought it was a good idea. You have to do what you're comfortable with as well. But should you change you're mind - you can just call me J - ok? I see nothing disrespectful about it - There's actually a few people here that call me that

Lol - that made me smile - what is normal? And you're right there isn't any guideline for it. It is - I guess what we make of it. You're right - there's nothing for comaprison - we all have our own lives and they are what they are - what ever they are. Noone better or worse - we just - are

Tbh - I was alittle nervous to tell you - but now I must admit - it did leave me with a lighter feeling. Idk - maybe it's not so much the acceptance of others but the acceptance of ourselves - I don't think I'm there yet. Maybe one day

I'm sorry to hear you haven't been gentle but I also know how it is. Getting stuck in things - thoughts and routines
So you're seeing a counselor again? It's really great if you are :)

Take care Mike

@mytwistedsoul

Hey Mike - I think - Idk maybe this sounds weird. But coming on here and talking with people helps keep me connected - when I'm alone my thoughts tend to scatter and it's allmost as if they look for things I can either obsess on or they go looking for trouble. And it only take just tiny piece for them to get out of control and I start to either get anxious or depressed.in some ways being on here helps keep me plugged in. Just typing this now - I can actually feel myself start to calm down alittle - the edge of anxiety is dulling down some.

Hello.

Exactly like you described. There are moments, where I felt much more connected to my reality/true self that I am not letting out of. Which I kind of told my counselor. "The Keyboard vs The Mind"

Its like both are of different mentalities and souls.

Somehow I rationalise much better when i type things out.

Hey, Wow. If the moments here do help you. Even if it just a little bit, or sometimes it just doesnt work. Most importantly dont blame yourself for it. But more importantly keep in mind <i.e. mindfully aware>, try to chime in to look for any support whenever you need it. However, if it gets out of control sometimes, it is ok too.

No need to apologize - I just thought it was a good idea. You have to do what you're comfortable with as well. But should you change you're mind - you can just call me J - ok? I see nothing disrespectful about it - There's actually a few people here that call me that

Okays. I appreciate that your thoughtfulness. Just have to be respectful sometimes. Cause not everyone is ok with it.

Lol - that made me smile - what is normal? And you're right there isn't any guideline for it. It is - I guess what we make of it. You're right - there's nothing for comaprison - we all have our own lives and they are what they are - what ever they are. Noone better or worse - we just - are

My counselor questioned me that.

To be honest, I never thought about it before.

I noticed I kept jumping to conclusions everytime. Its like, it must be done this way, oh the internet is right cause the article/media/people said so. Whatever the rest of the people i.e. profressionals, in real, etc. think twice, etc... i don't know how i reached to this kind of conclusion.

Tbh - I was alittle nervous to tell you - but now I must admit - it did leave me with a lighter feeling. Idk - maybe it's not so much the acceptance of others but the acceptance of ourselves - I don't think I'm there yet. Maybe one day

Sometimes, I mean it, Sometimes. Letting it go, helps.

However Sometimes, it backfires. But looked like it paid off. Than holding it. i.e. Grudges.

Well, you recongised that, it is of a acceptance of yourself. I never thought of that. But actually yup. It's more to that, than seeking the inverse or expecting likewise.

Take your time twistedsoul. Even if you dont ever reach there in the end of whatever. It is ok. Sometimes, somethings meant to be in a certain way. Or perhaps who knows, you might even move on, and be a better self in another context.

I'm sorry to hear you haven't been gentle but I also know how it is. Getting stuck in things - thoughts and routines
So you're seeing a counselor again? It's really great if you are :)

Take care Mike

Aye, it kinda sucky though. Doubt i can explain much.

Counselor yes, professsional no.

Yup, you too twistedsoul.

PS : Read about your difficulties in another thread. I don't really know how to react. I understand its not mandatory to reply, but i am of concerned about your wellness. I hope that things even out soon for you.

@mikenai Hey Mike How are you?

It's hard with all the things you see on the internet - sort of like reviews they have for products. 98% of the people think it was great - but that 2% says other wise. But then you look harder and find a place where it's at 100% but then I wonder if they just weeded out the bad reviews. So then you do more research and it just goes on and on. Change the phrasing of the questions - getting different results each time. It took me allmost a year to decide on the laptop I have now

I think alot of people have trouble with - unkind thoughts of themselves. Questioning our intelligence - our motives - even whether we're good people or not. I know sometimes I wonder if maybe I was born under a bad sign or just cursed. Which sound dramatic I suppose but I can't help but wonder

I hope that things are going well with you counselor - I have noticed you seem - IDk - I don't want to say different - just that you've grown in some ways - good ways of course - so I mean no offense

You don't really need to react - and while I appreciate your concern - you're right it isn't mandatory to reply. And I do have a warning on there that there are times I may not reply back. Sometimes I just write out things that are in my head - or I've found posting memes actually helps with the anxiety sometimes - it helps to focus on outside things but they often fit in with how I may be feeling. Sometimes it's just for fun - I have learned to enjoy those fun moments - they're actually needed - theraputic even - to laugh and goof around. I do therapy and see doctors who have understanding of what I'm dealing with - which is helpful - it has been hard though because of the virus situation here because most appointments are done through telemeetings. Hopefully soon things will get back closer to normal and I can start to see all these people in person again. In many ways - things are better then they were at the very beginning - I'm told it takes time. Thank you for your concern

Be gentle with yourself Mike and your thoughts