Lost

@mikenai22 Hey Mike - I saw your post on the depression thread. You deciding to take a break? I can understand that. That's cool. You have to do what's best for you. I know you had thought and talked about it a couple of times. If you ever need to talk or just want to pop in with an update or just to say hi. Just tag me ok?

Take care of yourself. I'll be sending you some good vibes my friend.

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts.

@mytwistedsoul

Hey Mike - I saw your post on the depression thread. You deciding to take a break? I can understand that. That's cool. You have to do what's best for you. I know you had thought and talked about it a couple of times.

Actually it was suggested by someone. And... i have been thinking about it awhile also. Since things have been messy.

However i dont really want to go.

The lost of companionship, and if i'm isolating myself... that will be even worse.

I hope you do not get the wrong message.

If you ever need to talk or just want to pop in with an update or just to say hi. Just tag me ok?

But I am likely to still chime in to this thread for now.

Maybe a few more days.

Or maybe i might just stop temporary. See how things goes. (Just in case this is the last response for now)

Take care of yourself. I'll be sending you some good vibes my friend.

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts.

Thank you. I wonder if i will ever remember.

@mikenai22 I know you had talked about it with me a few times -wondering if it would you with things. I can totally understand that. You've got to try what ever you need to. I also understand the feeling of lost companionship. But you're not really losing anything. Just taking a break - the breath or pause. You're doing it for you. You are what's important - your health - your well being. You take care of you - yeah? No hard feelings and no wrong message recieved - don't even worry about that!

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. I'll still keep sending you good vibes - you ARE awesome Mike. Try to remember that. Take care of yourself - yeah? Stay cool

@mytwistedsoul

Appreciated your thoughful understanding. I will try and see if it help in any ways.

@mytwistedsoul @NoneTheWiser

Hi twistedsoul and wise one.

Do a quick reporting. Be it a good meaning to it or not.

To be honest, I dont really know if it is a good idea to wean out of medias and messages.

I've cleaned up my newsletter subscriptions, youtube playlist, reddit, mobile app, while only leaving 1 or 2 newsletter which i felt more peaceful for me.

After this post, I might continue longer and see if there are any improvements.

So far I can only say that the temptation of wanting to come back and "reply"/"read" something is there. but weaning out now, seems to air the head at certain times.

Meanwhile, do take care.

@mikenai22 Hey Mike - it's good to see you. I'm glad to hear that clearing out some clutter has helped you find a little peace. It's really great that you're able to air out your head. That probably feels pretty refreshing.

Thanks for giving us an update.

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts.

@mytwistedsoul

Hey Mike - it's good to see you. I'm glad to hear that clearing out some clutter has helped you find a little peace. It's really great that you're able to air out your head. That probably feels pretty refreshing.

Hey twistedsoul.

honestly it does offer the peace and kinda made me "forgot" about anxiety, depression and stuffs.

but my thoughts and concerns... i dont know how to deal with it. (which i kinda highlighted in response to wise one's post above)

Thanks for giving us an update.

No problems twistedsoul.

As promised, i dont want to leave everyone hanging either.

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts.

Wow... thanks. Again... forgetting. =.=||

@mikenai22 Hey Mike! It is really good to see you!

I'm glad to hear that you're at least getting some peace - but I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling lost. I'm sure it is conflicting. Not wanting to lose the connection but yet feeling so much better not dealing with it. You could just kind of do like you're doing now and check in every now and again - of course it's up to you. You have to do what feels right to you. What's in your best interests.

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts my friend. Take care.

@mytwistedsoul

Hey Mike! It is really good to see you!

Hi twistedsoul, thanks for chimeing in. glad to see you here.

I'm glad to hear that you're at least getting some peace - but I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling lost. I'm sure it is conflicting. Not wanting to lose the connection but yet feeling so much better not dealing with it. You could just kind of do like you're doing now and check in every now and again - of course it's up to you. You have to do what feels right to you. What's in your best interests.

Yea, i kinda hate that conflicting feeling. Although psychologist said its ok to have those feelings and thoughts. But most importantly is to be able to "feel" it and experience it. Not like pushing away everytime.

Maybe I'll try your suggestion, once in a while kind of thing than... "complusively" or mandating myself to.

I apologise (although i know i should not be...) for making these.. arrangements or changes. Hopefully it is for the best.

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts my friend. Take care.

Thanks twistedsoul. really needed it.

@mikenai22 Hey Mike - it's good to hear from you.

It is ok to feel those things - I'm so glad to hear that you're acknowledging it. That is so great!

Hey no worries and you don't need to apologize. You have to do what works for you. There are no obligations here. You can come and go when ever. You worry about you. We'll be here if you need us. You really are doing great Mike - be proud!

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts Take care

@mytwistedsoul

Hey Mike - it's good to hear from you.

It is ok to feel those things - I'm so glad to hear that you're acknowledging it. That is so great!

Hey no worries and you don't need to apologize. You have to do what works for you. There are no obligations here. You can come and go when ever. You worry about you. We'll be here if you need us. You really are doing great Mike - be proud!

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts Take care

Hi twistedsoul.

Acknowledging is one thing. Feeling is also another. But trying to "live" with it or bearing with it seriously suck.

It just does not feel Normal/Natural. Almost like something is missing. Also like some sort of loneliness perhaps. Well perhaps it could be some side effect of trying to quit some compulsive behaviour. Just like quitting coffee previously.

I understand about the option to stay, go and no obligatory for me nor you nor anyone. I just cannot accept it. I wonder if i am seriously putting any effort for myself. To at least to make life better? Or is it turning for the worse. Actually i doubt it is either or with the mentality that i have trained myself for so long.

Thanks again for the reminder twisted soul. You too take care.

@NoneTheWiser

Hi Mike, it is good to hear from you! I am glad to hear that clearing out things is bringing you some peace. It is very smart to try different things to see what works best for you. I am actually taking a kind of break from some things the next couple weeks as well. It does help sometimes to gather different perspectives.

Hi Wise one.

In honest opinion, i am starting to doubt, it is healthier to 1. really leave?, 2. return and continue posting

There is some "obtained" peace and "extra" time from leaving so far. Although my mental war has been thinking about it... from time to time.

But what i do noticed is that by leaving, i started "thinking" less about stuffs i.e. anxiety, depression, eating disorder, having personality issues, etc... (although the food thoughts are still there...)

So yea. kinda lost.

its like one side dont want to lose the connection, another yet, hope for a peace time and/or maybe to move on and try another lifestyle (or maybe like a reset to the past? where i float without 7cups, social media, etc...)

Take care!

You too, please take care of yourself.

@NoneTheWiser

Hi Mike! I'm just going to reply down here so you don't have to go back and forth. And I agree with what @mytwistedsoul said; maybe just keep trying what you're doing since you're seeing some benefits and just check in here as it feels right for you. It was really nice to see your tag today.

Hi wise one. Thanks for posting here. At least it caught my view as the notification bar did not highlight when there are more than one user that replied.

I'll try what twistedsoul mentioned. See how things goes. At least its not too restrictive, not too mandative either.

I'm glad you're having a bit of peace.

Thanks wise one. Hopefully this small self-selfish act could bring some better improvements along the way.

@NoneTheWiser

Just leaving a small note for the next time you sign on to let you know you were thought of today. <3

Hey wise one. Thank you.

Somehow it kinda, touched me.

Hasn't been good since...back. Thanks wise one.

@mytwistedsoul @NoneTheWiser

Hi.

I don't know if i should log in and post.

But I dont feel good. Generally.

I know we "discussed" before. Things take time. There will be good and bad days.

Hiaz. I dont really know. It just sucks.

@NoneTheWiser

Hey Mike. I'm glad you reached out here if you're not feeling well. Even when you're taking a break from things, we're still here for you for support anytime. Do you know if there's anything specific that is bothering you, or is it a general feeling? I am sorry to hear it's a rough day today, but it is ok to feel that way. You're right, there will be good days and bad days.

(trying to not apologise..., but i felt comtemplated to. its like a habit thing)

Its like i am not giving myself a break.

trying to fix everything, fill in the blanks. cannot be doing nothing kind of thing. must compensate with something.

not only today... more like a few days already.

i understand about the "ok"-ness to have these kinds of feelings or days. but it just hard to self-remind or help myself on it.

@mikenai22 Hey Mike - I'm sorry to hear you're not feeling good. Is it kind of an all around things? So - I have to honest here - you know me MIke I've got questions. But I know you're trying to take a break and I don't want you to feel compelled or obligated to answer. Plus they could be a bit overwhelming. So I'll hold them for a while. Maybe you could stop in here on your hard days. Get a little extra help - even if it's just to say hi here.

Or kind of do a self check - and ask yourself whether this is something you want to do or is it something you're compelled to do. If you want to - then do it It's harder than you'd think. If it's something you feel you have to do - take a pause. Go do something else for a little. Even if it just going to get a drink. Idk - guess maybe it sounds kind weird when I read it now. Idk -just a thought.

I know it takes time. I really think you've been doing great and showing alot of restaint with coming in here.

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

@mytwistedsoul

Hey Mike - I'm sorry to hear you're not feeling good. Is it kind of an all around things? So - I have to honest here - you know me MIke I've got questions. But I know you're trying to take a break and I don't want you to feel compelled or obligated to answer. Plus they could be a bit overwhelming. So I'll hold them for a while. Maybe you could stop in here on your hard days. Get a little extra help - even if it's just to say hi here.

Yes, all things.

Don't worry about questions.

I'm not sure now what is truly going on. Perhaps i forgot the reason why i "left" or took a "haitus".

Perhaps, maybe i will. Its just difficult to "justify" the login.

Or kind of do a self check - and ask yourself whether this is something you want to do or is it something you're compelled to do. If you want to - then do it It's harder than you'd think. If it's something you feel you have to do - take a pause. Go do something else for a little. Even if it just going to get a drink. Idk - guess maybe it sounds kind weird when I read it now. Idk -just a thought.

this self-check is the challenge or problem that i am facing.

it is very puzzling or confusing to question or ask myself about it.

it is like i cant even tell what i am feeling. (as in am i really touching my heart or is it processed by my mind?)

I know it takes time. I really think you've been doing great and showing alot of restaint with coming in here.

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

Hiaz... Guess i need countless amount of it.

Thanks again twistedsoul for coming in and the constant reminders.

@mytwistedsoul @NoneTheWiser

hi twistedsoul and wise one.

Been wanting to say hi, I dont really know what is going on.

That sense of feeling of something is wrong is coming back.

It is very tough to "rest", while the mind just wants to keep going.

Dealing with un-satisfication, acceptance, contentment or rather "enough is enough". Its very sad.

@mikenai22 Hey Mike - Sorry it's been a while. I've been meaning to get a reply to you but I haven't been in the best of places with myself. I hear you - it is so hard to rest when all you do is think and think and think.

When you say about the feeling of something being wrong - is it anxiety kicking in? That feeling of impending doom or like you're waiting for the bottom to fall our.

I'm sorry to hear about the unsatisfaction and acceptance and contentment. You're not alone with that. Just a feeling of constant restlessness - turmoil I guess. I wish I know what to tell you.

Sorry I didn't have more to tell you. You have been in my thoughts though.

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

@mytwistedsoul

Hey Mike - Sorry it's been a while. I've been meaning to get a reply to you but I haven't been in the best of places with myself. I hear you - it is so hard to rest when all you do is think and think and think.

Dont worry about it twistedsoul. Everyone has their days. Its never easy to have things "so perfect". Our(s) expectation should be adjusted to not have improper thinking about it.

Despite your troubles, you still responded in. Thank you again twistedsoul.

I do aware of my selfish-ness to "hope" for a response from you in utmost urgency... which is not a nice mentality and expectation to have.

When you say about the feeling of something being wrong - is it anxiety kicking in? That feeling of impending doom or like you're waiting for the bottom to fall our.

i dont really know if it is "anxiety that you are referring to. its more like i just feel kinda that things are not correct. Things as in the way i am living, the lifestyle i am following, the events, issues that is going on with me now.

it just does not feel right. yet i refuse to change and move on.

I'm sorry to hear about the unsatisfaction and acceptance and contentment. You're not alone with that. Just a feeling of constant restlessness - turmoil I guess. I wish I know what to tell you.

Its ok. I am appreciative that you understood the feeling. No one (close ones/others around me) seem to understand what i been expressing.

Sorry I didn't have more to tell you. You have been in my thoughts though.

Hey dont be hard on yourself. Being here actually is good enough. Now to add on, that when you say that I am in your thoughts. Its way even more. I wonder if anyone else (as in not 7cups..) has similar thoughts.

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

Thanks again twistedsoul. I cant seem to keep reminding myself.

@mikenai22 It's not selfish to hope for a response. It's nice to feel heard - nice to know you aren't alone.

Ok I think I understand - You see the things that are wrong with your life and wrong with the things that you're doing but yet - you're almost helpless to change them. Mainly because - where do you start? How do you start? I mean people can give tips on how to do things but it's hard to explain that it doesn't feel right. Almost as if your mind is split down the middle and all they do is argue constantly. It feels like you're in a constant tug of war with yourself. Do I or don't I? Should I or shouldn't I? The oubt an second guessing is always there.

I think there probably is a few people here who have gotten close enough - that they wonder how someone else is. I know we only know each other here but we have talked for a few months. I do consider you a friend. So as my friend I worry about you and wonder how you're doing.

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. We're always here for you.

@mytwistedsoul

It's not selfish to hope for a response. It's nice to feel heard - nice to know you aren't alone.

I dont truly know the right answer. Its just that feeling.

Ok I think I understand - You see the things that are wrong with your life and wrong with the things that you're doing but yet - you're almost helpless to change them. Mainly because - where do you start? How do you start? I mean people can give tips on how to do things but it's hard to explain that it doesn't feel right. Almost as if your mind is split down the middle and all they do is argue constantly. It feels like you're in a constant tug of war with yourself. Do I or don't I? Should I or shouldn't I? The oubt an second guessing is always there.

Red - Well explained. I cant explain much better. Extremely exhausted from it.

I think there probably is a few people here who have gotten close enough - that they wonder how someone else is. I know we only know each other here but we have talked for a few months. I do consider you a friend. So as my friend I worry about you and wonder how you're doing.

Wow... I never even had such thoughts.

I wonder if i have/had geniuely bring myself out.

But hearing how you explained. I am very appreciative of your concern and sincerity.

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. We're always here for you.

Hiaz, twistedsoul... its so difficult. Thank you as always.

@mikenai22 Just want to say hey and see how you are. I know this constant battle has you tired and exhausted. Frustrated too.

You're a good person Mike - you deserve to find peace and happiness.

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

@mytwistedsoul

Just want to say hey and see how you are. I know this constant battle has you tired and exhausted. Frustrated too.

hello. yes indeed. and puzzling with confusion.

these few days (or is it weeks) i have just been numbing myself.

full of questions...

You're a good person Mike - you deserve to find peace and happiness.

1. Thank you.

2. I dont think i deserve the commendation.

3. Neither nor i feel that i deserve the peace nor happiness. The journey has been tough. Had been tough. and never fruitful. I know the saying, never give up, never stop searching, everyone has different timing. It has been very exhaustive and i wish i can just have the "answers" so i can stop/break and move on.

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

Thanks twistedsoul.

You too take care.

@mikenai22 Hey - I know what you mean - I've been trying to get things to go numb myself. I'm tird of feeling so many conflicting emotions lately. Tired of being unsure of what to do.

I feel you do deserve peace and happiness - because your journey has been so tough - because you have been trying so hard to find answers. I sometimes though - that we feel maybe we've done something and that this is our punishment. Idk - maybe we think we're bad people - maybe we feel we've done something to deserve this. Life just shouldn't be this complicated. We shouldn't have to fight so hard with ourselves to make the changes we need or want.

Thanks Mike - Sometimes - Idk - I guess I need to hear it too.

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

@mytwistedsoul

Hey - I know what you mean - I've been trying to get things to go numb myself. I'm tird of feeling so many conflicting emotions lately. Tired of being unsure of what to do.

Okays. Then i dont need to explain further. I guess we actually are pretty much in sync. (although i know there are certainly more...)

I feel you do deserve peace and happiness - because your journey has been so tough - because you have been trying so hard to find answers. I sometimes though - that we feel maybe we've done something and that this is our punishment. Idk - maybe we think we're bad people - maybe we feel we've done something to deserve this. Life just shouldn't be this complicated. We shouldn't have to fight so hard with ourselves to make the changes we need or want.

Pink - I'm not sure. I don't feel the freedom, support, entitlement, permission to derserve it. Looking at how things had been going. I doubt my society nor family is giving me such opportunities.

Red - My thoughts, most of the time.

Green - I'm not so sure about the bad people comment. But rather, i kept having this feeling that, perhaps something, a choice, a decision, of mine (ours) that is misaligned, or wronged (as deemed by society or external) such that we deserve the penalty that I (we) are experiencing now.

Orange - To be honest, I (we) have been fighting. But I (not sure about yourself/everyone else) dont know what i am fighting for, my goals, directions, what i really want. Why I even started in the first place. Who am i proving to? Do i even need to prove to?

Thanks Mike - Sometimes - Idk - I guess I need to hear it too.

Guess its better to have that support. Time to time.

Otherwise, by accident, might just drop off, unwillingly if caught off guard.

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

Thank you. twistedsoul.

@mikenai22 Hey How are you?

Time has gotten away from me this week. Well - sort of. This has been just very bad week for me. Just kind of keeping to myself.

Man I have to say - you and I are alot alike with our thinking. I think sometimes we just try so hard to live up to the expectations of everyone else - we sort of lose ourselves along the way. We get so focused on what everyone else one's for or from us - by the time we realize it's about us - we can't find our way back. You're right with the green part. I do think sometimes that I've done something to deserve every bad thing that comes my way. Idk - maybe I'm just a bad soul.

I don't think you should be doing anything for anyone other then yourself. You have to do what feels right to you. What you feel is in your best interests. What makes you happy?

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts - Take care of yourself

@mytwistedsoul

Hey How are you?

Hi twistedsoul.

Time has gotten away from me this week. Well - sort of. This has been just very bad week for me. Just kind of keeping to myself.

It must be tough for you to go through it.

I hope that you will be able to get over it soon and that a better week/time to come for you ahead.

Man I have to say - you and I are alot alike with our thinking. I think sometimes we just try so hard to live up to the expectations of everyone else - we sort of lose ourselves along the way. We get so focused on what everyone else one's for or from us - by the time we realize it's about us - we can't find our way back. You're right with the green part. I do think sometimes that I've done something to deserve every bad thing that comes my way. Idk - maybe I'm just a bad soul.

I wonder if I (maybe you like to also) to "ease" off the mentality of pleasing others. But rather to be able to live up to please/achieve/answer what I (yourself) truly wants.

And most importantly is to not lose focus... (Red) which i am totally aware of. Yet it is very easy to slip off.

Blue - This is probably because, we kinda instilled/programmed our mind, our behaviour to work in a certain manner such that it developed into a comfort/habitual thing... So by time of realisation, even if we want to back off or change. It becomes challenging. BUT, first step is realising it, which i felt it is also an important factor.

I don't think you should be doing anything for anyone other then yourself. You have to do what feels right to you. What you feel is in your best interests. What makes you happy?

I dont know. I cant feel it anymore.

I only know one thing for sure. It hurts.

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts - Take care of yourself

Thank you. Hope you can get over your bad week soon, and look after yourself (and perhaps some self-care time for yourself).

@NoneTheWiser

Hey Mike. It's good to see you.

Hi wise one. Thanks for coming in.

I don't think you have to have it all figured out right now. You're still kinda testing things out, right? Trying to see how it feels checking in here, unplugging for a while. It's ok to have mixed feelings about it, even for a while. I share these feelings too.

Honestly saying. I don't know about it. I only know it is far too long. Soon to be 2 years...

Are you still having moments where you feel at peace being offline? What kinds of things have you been doing with your free time?

Actually, this "peace" that I am seeking for. Does not seem to exist. No matter how hard i push.

It seems very challenging.

Worse off, I kinda dwelled back into mindless youtube of the "stupid" videos about health, ED, troubleshooting, fitness, recepies, dogmas, self-help, self-motivation, etc...

Seriousness, i do not know what i am truly after. What my mind, soul, heart, body truly wants.

One moment, I (think) am ok, one moment, i am not.

It just feels very challenging to pull myself through day after another.

Remember it doesn't have to be all one way or all another way. It can always be a little of both. But I know finding the particular ratio/balance can be very difficult.

I think why i had that mentality of one way or another, its because i dont give myself a chance or permission to just "let go" sometimes. i.e. "die die" things must follow as planned this way only. Otherwise i will be screwed. this is the only method, this is right, that is wrong kind of mentality.

Oh well, i hate this balance thing. especially when self is already unbalanced.

@NoneTheWiser

Hi Mike

Hi Wise one. Yes, you read them correctly.

Some of my responses inline in another color.

I was reading over your last posts. It sounds like maybe you have lost some of the peaceful feeling (Yes) you had when you first started limiting your online connectivity? If I'm hearing you correctly, it sounds like perhaps reconnecting (Yes I did went back to some, otherwise it felt like nothing...) with some of the online things like the videos and maybe here caused you more stress (Yes) than they relieved (Yes)? Questioning a lot of things (Yes, indeed, yet i cant stop.)?

If you can, try to visualize (I tried, I removed the "apps", went back to my "numbing" games) when you first disconnected from these things and the feelings you had then. What did it feel like (Peace?)? What kinds of thoughts were you having then (Cant really recall. I wont say there were much thoughts)? I went back to look at some posts of yours from mid-August. You had said:

"I've cleaned up my newsletter subscriptions, youtube playlist, reddit, mobile app, while only leaving 1 or 2 newsletter which i felt more peaceful for me. After this post, I might continue longer and see if there are any improvements. So far I can only say that the temptation of wanting to come back and "reply"/"read" something is there. but weaning out now, seems to air the head at certain times. ... There is some "obtained" peace and "extra" time from leaving so far. Although my mental war has been thinking about it... from time to time. But what i do noticed is that by leaving, i started "thinking" less about stuffs i.e. anxiety, depression, eating disorder, having personality issues, etc"

You had mentioned that the thoughts were still there (Okays, i think i know this is inferring to. Its those daily worries, i.e. food, preparations, money, life concerns/problems, "imaginary regrettable to-dos", choices, decisions, work-career-job, etc.), but it sounds like you might have been experiencing some tangeable benefits of trying out a different lifestyle like you mentioned, as well as some peace of mind and gained time (I think I felt like i got some "time" from it. But now i dont think so, its like just... wasted pondering back again. Perhaps could be anxiety, worry, etc.)?

I wonder if there is comfort in the extremes sometimes. Things make more sense or are clearer when we either to them [this way] or [that way]. It seems the trick to a lot of things is everything in moderation (Thats the problem I been "tackling", trying to have this all in one mentality. No such thing as, give and take, abit of leeway. Its like there is a need to achieve some sort of balance instead for a "healthier" mind, yet i dont want to), but I think there is some discomfort that comes with that, knowing where to draw the line. I struggle with this a bit myself at times, because I can get hyperfocused on things. I apologize (Please dont be sorry.) if we've already discussed this before, but have you ever tried making a daily schedule for yourself, where you have an allotted time each day where you're "allowed" to check into your online activities (No not really, I dwell with the computer most of times. Otherwise i pretty much got nothing left.), and then schedule in other activities for yourself the rest of the day? I find them to be helpful for myself.

I hope you have a good day. You are in my thoughts. (Thanks for taking time to read and reply. Appreciate your concern and sending your thoughts and mindfulness for me)

@NoneTheWiser

Hi Mike,

Hi Wise One.

I don't have many words at the moment, but I just wanted to say hello and let you know you're in my thoughts. You have been doing really great writing things out, sorting through your thoughts and feelings.

Despite wanting to have/seek answers from "someone". Although each person's life should be sought/found/decided/thought by oneself only... not by others.

Its just that the battle been.. excruciating painful.

I do not want to place pressure on you nor anyone else. Please dont be obligated/obliged to have to say something.

Thank you for being here. Saying hi.

Although i been wondering, writing all these out. - Is it for the good or for the bad? Yes that sorting them out might be good. Yet it fuels my perfectionist mentality to try to sort everything out. Then another thing is the fact that i dont want to accept harsh reality and take on what's present and available than "dreaming" for a option that never exists.

I wish for you a few moments of peace, so that you may not feel torn between the extremes.

Thank you wise one. I truly wish i could have them. Least for a short while.

@mikenai22 Hi Mike, How are you?

It's been a little longer than I intended again. Unfortunately this week has been just as bad as the last but I am still hopeful that it will get better.

You are so right on many levels here. With trying t please ourselves instead of trying to please others. It's not easy to do though is it? I think a lot of that probably comes from the fact that we base so much of our self worth on what others think of us. How they see us. We judge our perceptions by the perceptions of others.

I'm sorry to hear that you're hurting so much. You're not alone with this. I know it doesn't help much but you aren't alone. It's hard to know what we should do with ourselves and our emotions, sometimes because they are so conflicting. Between what we want, what we know and what we feel. Then we take into concideration what others want from us. What the expect. It makes everything so complicated.

Are you doing anything for self care for yourself? How have your pains been, with your muscles and your throat? Has your exercises gotten any easier or better?

We're still here for you MIke, still here to help in anyway we can. We can limp along in this together.

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts.

@mytwistedsoul

Hi Mike, How are you?

Hi twisedsoul. I cant answer. It just did not feel right.

Been asking permission from brother/mother to "change".

Asking for hope that they do not judge.

Feels so wrong.

It's been a little longer than I intended again. Unfortunately this week has been just as bad as the last but I am still hopeful that it will get better.

Dont worry. Whether you reply or not it is ok.

I hope for you too that it will be better. Dont give up on it.

Shit... and here i am giving up.

You are so right on many levels here. With trying t please ourselves instead of trying to please others. It's not easy to do though is it? I think a lot of that probably comes from the fact that we base so much of our self worth on what others think of us. How they see us. We judge our perceptions by the perceptions of others.

It aint easy. Never was. Perhaps its the mentality that has been driven down to us or a learnt behaviour that probably became a habit/complusiveness. Or maybe the world around us has developed in such a manner where "everyone" has this mentality actually. Its just how one manage.

I'm sorry to hear that you're hurting so much. You're not alone with this. I know it doesn't help much but you aren't alone. It's hard to know what we should do with ourselves and our emotions, sometimes because they are so conflicting. Between what we want, what we know and what we feel. Then we take into concideration what others want from us. What the expect. It makes everything so complicated.

Thanks for reminding. I never truly once able to self-remind myself about it. almost every moment of my mind, is just self-hurt. self-blame. self-torment.

Are you doing anything for self care for yourself? How have your pains been, with your muscles and your throat? Has your exercises gotten any easier or better?

No. Not really. I dont really know what is this self-care. such that i feel better. (to be on the better place, a better side. to even appreciate and feel the "betterness")

muscles - same, if not worse sometimes. been pushing for TCMs sometimes and yet... $ spent and doesnt work.

throat - hiaz... forget it. been spending loads and torturing myself with lozenges, syrups, mentol drops, hiaz...

exercises - mind's totally messed up, sometimes i even push myself to do more. despite the poor outcome. or because of a bad (excessive) amount of food intake. no not really easier nor better. the weird randomness of sometimes ok sometimes not. and worse off is i been wondering something. All these time and effort into, diet, health, nutrition, exercise, money, research, whatever is it totally worth it? my time, my money (actually brother's/parent's), my pains, my etc... all gone yet i dont even reap anything, but lost even more. made others (including you) suffer.

We're still here for you MIke, still here to help in anyway we can. We can limp along in this together.

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts.

(Shit) sorry... i keep forgetting. All i keep reminding myself is just to log in daily to check for updates...

Thanks for reminders. Hope you have a better week soon, and please take care twistedsoul.

@mikenai22 It's ok to not have an answer. I'm sometimes unsure how to answer that question myself. Then of course it can change in a heartbeat.

I must admit, you made me laugh. With the "don't give up on it" and then the "here I am giving up" I don't follow my own advice either. It's hard to follow what we say. There's so much that can affect everything.

It's not easy, you are right about that. I do think it's a learned behavior. We learn what our parents and teachers show us. We try to stick to it because it's what we know. But it may not be the best fit for us. But it makes it hard to make changes because we don't know any other way. And to go against it feels wrong because society teaches us it's better to conform to the rest of the world. Being different sort of makes you a social outcast.

I've been slacking on the self care myself. I seem to have hit a depression stage and just don't seem to have to motivation or energy to care about self care. I'm really sorry to hear that things having gotten any better for you. I do understand that there is no quick fix but I was hopeful that something would have turned around for you. This may be a weird question, but with the randomness of it sometimes being ok, what is your state of mind on those times? It's ok if you don't know. It's not something we often give a lot of thought to when we're doing things

I have to disagree with you, you haven't made me suffer or added to what I'm already dealing with. I have truly enjoyed getting to know you. I just wish there was more I could do to help you.

It's easy to forget to be gentle with ourselves. We often so locked into our own torments that we forget the simple things like being gentle.

You're welcome Mike and thank you too. You take care of yourself too. Be gentle with yourself, I know you're trying hard to find answers and I know how frustrating it is that you haven't been able to find any yet.

@mytwistedsoul

It's ok to not have an answer. I'm sometimes unsure how to answer that question myself. Then of course it can change in a heartbeat.

This feeling it kinda suck though. Its like things can never be aligned and has to be constantly changed or readjusted. Hate it so much. Can't things be just much more simpler?

I must admit, you made me laugh. With the "don't give up on it" and then the "here I am giving up" I don't follow my own advice either. It's hard to follow what we say. There's so much that can affect everything.

hahas. the weird feeling that i often had and commonly heard. its like "I (myself) knows what is better/right for others or oneself", but yet forget and intentionally going against "recommendations" of your own thoughts.

The comfort. Hiaz.

It's not easy, you are right about that. I do think it's a learned behavior. We learn what our parents and teachers show us. We try to stick to it because it's what we know. But it may not be the best fit for us. But it makes it hard to make changes because we don't know any other way. And to go against it feels wrong because society teaches us it's better to conform to the rest of the world. Being different sort of makes you a social outcast.

Fear.

Unknown.

Missing Out.

I believe the above, are usually the common offenders of being trapped in comfort zone.

How i wished, i dont have this mentality and just brace through everything.

I've been slacking on the self care myself. I seem to have hit a depression stage and just don't seem to have to motivation or energy to care about self care. I'm really sorry to hear that things having gotten any better for you. I do understand that there is no quick fix but I was hopeful that something would have turned around for you. This may be a weird question, but with the randomness of it sometimes being ok, what is your state of mind on those times? It's ok if you don't know. It's not something we often give a lot of thought to when we're doing things

Perhaps, if i may "suggest", i dont see as slack, more like unable/stuck/blocked/trapped. I don't see self-care as a mandative/prescriptive type of thing. Cause if I do, it just becomes additional burden.

But I can feel some uneasyness that you have been experiencing for past few days/weeks. (its ok twistedsoul)

Since you noticed it now, and whenever you are ready or have the strength to, Do try to make a comeback, not for me, but for yourself. Once you feel better, then maybe can start spreading the focus on others.

Oh well, me ah. Yea its ok. I wished (who doesnt') that it could be better and answers are just glaring at me with solutions. Unfortuntately... I guess life is not that simple.

Perhaps it is the perfectionism thoughts where if i do one thing, it should equates to a result. (almost like a robot) and hence when things dont work out, or same things dont give same result, i start all the self-blame, the self-guilt, etc. Trying to figure out why, what went wrong etc...

I wont say I never gave thoughts, but perhaps the energy is spent on "troubleshooting" on the problem in a wrong manner.

Not sure, just a thought.

I have to disagree with you, you haven't made me suffer or added to what I'm already dealing with. I have truly enjoyed getting to know you. I just wish there was more I could do to help you.

ok. I think, or like you mentioned before. Being here, etc. I think is already good enough.

Most of the stuffs, issues, problems, day to day, etc. Only can be helped/aided/resolved/closed by myself. No one can really help me (oneself), only me (oneself) can truly do so.

It's easy to forget to be gentle with ourselves. We often so locked into our own torments that we forget the simple things like being gentle.

You're welcome Mike and thank you too. You take care of yourself too. Be gentle with yourself, I know you're trying hard to find answers and I know how frustrating it is that you haven't been able to find any yet.

Sorry, I know that I have been repeating this, again and again. I assure that almost 99% of the time, I kinda not even remember about it. I wonder if it was intentional or just perhaps the way i trained myself. But then the irony of why or who will want to "ill-treat" oneself than the opposite.

Anyways, Thanks for the well wishes. I hope you can find strength soon and push on to take care of yourself.

@mikenai22 I wish things could be simpler - everything seems like it always has to be so d*mn complicated.

Trapped - that's how I feel somedays - Just trapped in limbo doing my time. Neither fully living or dying. Just here. Afraid of the past - present and future. Kind of like - what I want isn't what I need but what I need isn't what I want. Sometimes a few moments of happiness is found but as quickly as it's found it's lost.

You are right - these things we need to fix ourselves but it's ok to have support with them. While other people can't fix our problems - they can give us new idea's and maybe help view ourselves differently. Or they help validate what we're feeling. I know I need that sometimes - because I often think that what I'm feeling isn't right. Mainly because I've had alot of people tell me over the years - that wat I'm feeling isn't right - I'm not looking at it the right way or I'm making to much out of it.

I think sometimes we start with good intentions for ourslves but then with the self blame - shame and guilt we get it into our heads that we're only getting what we deserve. That this is our punishment for what ever crimes we may have commited - not being good enough - not living up to expectations - whether they're ours or someone elses. Maybe one day we'll get past this but I know I have a long way to go.

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. Thanks Mike

@mytwistedsoul

I wish things could be simpler - everything seems like it always has to be so d*mn complicated.

Indeed. Its so (hiaz) complicated, complexed and worse off - neverending.

Trapped - that's how I feel somedays - Just trapped in limbo doing my time. Neither fully living or dying. Just here. Afraid of the past - present and future. Kind of like - what I want isn't what I need but what I need isn't what I want. Sometimes a few moments of happiness is found but as quickly as it's found it's lost.

Red - Shit. I wonder how you managed to explain it so clearly.

Blue - I truly wonder, how you seriously manage to think clearly and type it out.

Orange - Pretty much painful for you I believe to endure through and finding it. Sharing abit of mine, is more like a integration of blue and orange. I wont say I found it. Its more like i probably only got some momentum, but dont really find that I like or find happiness through it.

You are right - these things we need to fix ourselves but it's ok to have support with them. While other people can't fix our problems - they can give us new idea's and maybe help view ourselves differently. Or they help validate what we're feeling. I know I need that sometimes - because I often think that what I'm feeling isn't right. Mainly because I've had alot of people tell me over the years - that wat I'm feeling isn't right - I'm not looking at it the right way or I'm making to much out of it.

With that said about others cant fix our problems - I wished it could. However my mind is almost 100% resistive about it. Yes it might give new ideas - Heck yea, my therapist sometimes once in a while opened and made me see things in a different way.

I truly wonder. What can i really do, have the energy to, willing to. Most importantly the courage to embrace fear and cross the hurdle of unknown.

I think sometimes we start with good intentions for ourslves but then with the self blame - shame and guilt we get it into our heads that we're only getting what we deserve. That this is our punishment for what ever crimes we may have commited - not being good enough - not living up to expectations - whether they're ours or someone elses. Maybe one day we'll get past this but I know I have a long way to go.

For this, I can only think or comment on one. Its on how oneself manages its train of thoughts or some form of "paraphrasing" of how you think. Unfortunately its how the mind messes oneself up. I wont deny it that despite being aware at times, but yet not being able to control the train of thoughts, catch it, get out of it.

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. Thanks Mike

Hiaz. When can i ever remember to...

Sharing the below video. - Although i saw many others that are truly more inspirational. But for now, i noticed what he said kinda true. Its like i'm in some kind of "survival mode"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ocNGG239RiA

@mikenai22 Hey Mike - I watched that video and for right now all I can think of is - Wow. It may be alittle embarrassing to admit - but it did make me cry. I'm there too - in survival mode. I have been for years.

I maybe reading to far into this - but I know you may be feeling alone - unloved and that no one cares. Even with family in the picture - they are often the ones who make us feel this way - whether intentional or not. I think maybe it's their expectations of us - the fact that they want us to be perfect - with a good job and no problems - physical- mental or other wise. We aren't perfect though - no one is.

You aren't alone Mike - I know it may not seem like much. But - Idk - if it helps - I'm with you. Maybe not physically but I am with you in spirit - walking with you. Hopefully with time and yeah - we need a whole lot of patience - you will find a way out of survival mode. You will find a path that will lead you to peace and happiness.

I'm really glad you're still seeing your therapist. I hope that they will continue to help you see things in a different way - a better way.

Thank you for sharing this video.

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

@mytwistedsoul

Hey Mike - I watched that video and for right now all I can think of is - Wow. It may be alittle embarrassing to admit - but it did make me cry. I'm there too - in survival mode. I have been for years.

Opps. I didn't intend to make anyone cry. Guessing that it kind of touched you somehow.

I still find it hard to try to resonate with it. Finding it challenging to.

I maybe reading to far into this - but I know you may be feeling alone - unloved and that no one cares. Even with family in the picture - they are often the ones who make us feel this way - whether intentional or not. I think maybe it's their expectations of us - the fact that they want us to be perfect - with a good job and no problems - physical- mental or other wise. We aren't perfect though - no one is.

You read me well. (Grateful that you are able to understand me + effort to know me better)

Actually I doubt the need to read. I probably poured almost my entire soul in 7cups well enough.

About... perfect... my biggest problem. I will share a video at the end that I have been looping for days.

Blue - Allow me to paraphrase. Since this incident of mine. My mum/brother/others spoke up. They told me they "never" once had this expectation of me. - wonder how true is that. Although there are times where I got resistance from them when i sought what I "wanted" - I can only presume its because of my misaligned thoughts of reality or they are concerned for my well-being or my state of health.

You aren't alone Mike - I know it may not seem like much. But - Idk - if it helps - I'm with you. Maybe not physically but I am with you in spirit - walking with you. Hopefully with time and yeah - we need a whole lot of patience - you will find a way out of survival mode. You will find a path that will lead you to peace and happiness.

Orange - This is already good enough.

Time... I wonder how much do i have left.

Red - I am pretty lost about this. I cant seem to find it. - Peace. No matter what i do.

Happiness, to be honest. I dont know what is happiness to me. Nothing seems to fit, resonate or help me now.

I'm really glad you're still seeing your therapist. I hope that they will continue to help you see things in a different way - a better way.

Sorry to dissapoint. Couple weeks back, I told my therapist, that I might stop seeing her again. At least another break again. Until I feel the need/ready to continue or possibly a permanent stop.

Thank you for sharing this video.

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

You are most welcome.

Thanks again for the reminder.

Below is the video that I have been looping, though no the same context. But quite similar to my state of being jailed. - In my own world.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qbPcHTAgPqY