Lost

@mikenai22 Hey Mike -

Maybe - the word expectation is wrong - that they did or didn't have expectations. Maybe it was more of a hope based thing. Maybe some where along the way we get the two mixed up. They hope for the best for you but Idk - it's like you know what they want but you can't give it to them. So their hope becomes more of an expectation.

I know what you mean about the peace and happiness. I have been floundering with this for awhile now myself. I've had moments when I've felt somewhat happy - able to joke around but there always this weight that just want to drag me down. I haven't felt peace for a while. I used to have times of being content but I haven't been able to hold on to it. I haven't even been into the shop for more then a few minutes at a time the past few weeks.

I can understand needing a break. Alittle time - maybe to process some of what you're dealing with. You did put forth the effort though - you stuck with it for awhile and hopefully got alittle something out of it. Be proud of that. I'm proud of you - of all the things that you've tried. It shows strength Mike - even if you don't see it - there are those of us here that do see it.

Another good video - thank you for sharing this one too. So how can we change this mind set Mike? How can I help you see what you do is good enough? That you are more than good enough - that you are worthy of compassion and caring and acceptance. It's hard being the one who has sentenced themselves to this jail. We are our own worst critics and enemies. No one judges us more than we do ourselves.

Be gentle with yourself Mike - and your thoughts

@mytwistedsoul

Hey Mike -

Hey twistedsoul. I "hope" that you had at least a better time compared to last reply?

- funny, somehow this time something strike my mind and remembered about it

Maybe - the word expectation is wrong - that they did or didn't have expectations. Maybe it was more of a hope based thing. Maybe some where along the way we get the two mixed up. They hope for the best for you but Idk - it's like you know what they want but you can't give it to them. So their hope becomes more of an expectation.

Something along the line. But perhaps like people/many has mentioned about me. Where i often pushed myself to max at anything i do. Its like I want to "excel" at anything i do, the perfectionist mindset. But yet in reality, we know no such "possibility" of excelling at every single thing. There are some that you can work towards for while some you may need aid from someone else more inclined/professional.

Then what's worse off, is like you mentioned, the mental wiring of mine had changed it such that a "hope" only from parents becomes a expection thought that I must/I should/I have to kind of thing.

Well depends on how one manages it. It can be healthy, it can be unhealthy.

If you ask me for my perspective of myself. - My case could be in a badly wired state after a long time.

I know what you mean about the peace and happiness. I have been floundering with this for awhile now myself. I've had moments when I've felt somewhat happy - able to joke around but there always this weight that just want to drag me down. I haven't felt peace for a while. I used to have times of being content but I haven't been able to hold on to it. I haven't even been into the shop for more then a few minutes at a time the past few weeks.

Somehow yesterday, I written down some thoughts about peace and quiet.

What I thought vs What I expected vs What I felt vs What is reality vs What I might be truly should be "feeling" for correctness

- I noticed, its not the noise cancelling/isolation, hiding in room, spending time in isolated 4 walls of a room (with others around in the house), construction, pondering, questioning, hiding behind computer

- I got this feeling, it might really be a true isolation of peace and quiet, something like a remote place, where you disengage, digital life, people, thoughts, life, worries, and be at a place with yourself, where you can connect to yourself alone without disturbance nor any worries

Wel... i duno. Wild thought.

Contented... haha, i wonder when i last had it. Or was there even one.

I can understand needing a break. Alittle time - maybe to process some of what you're dealing with. You did put forth the effort though - you stuck with it for awhile and hopefully got alittle something out of it. Be proud of that. I'm proud of you - of all the things that you've tried. It shows strength Mike - even if you don't see it - there are those of us here that do see it.

Duno... its like... you know the trying to put effort, but chickened out in the end. Kinda give impression to others that you are not "trying". But if touch my heart, i wonder if i even tried.

Just kinda tired of the repetition and i dont felt the "recovery" or moving on. Plus the countless $ invested/poured away that could probably be kept/used elsewhere. I know, people said health is important, you are investing on yourself.

Another good video - thank you for sharing this one too. So how can we change this mind set Mike? How can I help you see what you do is good enough? That you are more than good enough - that you are worthy of compassion and caring and acceptance. It's hard being the one who has sentenced themselves to this jail. We are our own worst critics and enemies. No one judges us more than we do ourselves.

No idea. I just slightly re-wrote it to suit my thoughts. Although it didnt really resonate well.

I have no idea and judgement myself. Decision making is hard. Even what's enough or contented is hard to dictate.

Only thing i feel is pain. And yes it does feel like i am judging and critising myself. Henceforth me, myself being the worst critic's and an enemy to oneself without realising it.

Be gentle with yourself Mike - and your thoughts

Thanks again twistedsoul. Glad to see you here.

@mikenai22 Hey Mike - It's been alittle better so far - I hit the basement of rock bottom over the weekend but It's better right now. Thank you for remembering and asking.

When I first started reading your post the first paragraph the word proud came to mind. Idk - with those hope and expectations - maybe it's just wanting to make them proud. To have them say they're proud of us - our jobs or our achievements. That - look that's my son - he's got a good job - a house- wife - kids. A-B-C and D - ya know? That we've made them proud - they are proud to be our parents. Because we're good sons. Ya know?

Tbh - that sounds like here - that peaceful isolation. No cars - no people - nothing but bird song and the wind through the trees. Granted I still have alot of thoughts here but there isn't any of the other nonsense. Some place where it almost feels as though time stands still. And I can pull the plug anytime on anything digital. Bt I think the beach some where on a deserted island would be a great place to be isolated - nothing but the surf - that steady crash of the waves. Just to sit and watch the tide come in and out. Man that just sounds so awesome.

You're right with alot of this - there's alot of rehashing things and OMG the money spent is just amazing. And you are investing in yourself. But we're also the first to go without sometimes if we don't feel worth it. I know I struggle alot with my self worth. I don't like to think that I'm wasting people's time - not when there's other people more deserving then I am.

It is hard trying to decide what is enough - because well - it varies from person to person. Even from ourselves. Some times I feel it's enough but then other times it's not even close. Idk how to stop judging myself and being my own critic. I think maybe it falls back on wanting to make someone proud. Even to maybe make myself proud - ya know? Maybe in time - hoepfull not too much time.

I'm sorry it took so long again - You have crossed my mind though - I still wish so many good things for you MIke.

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts.

@mytwistedsoul

Hey Mike - It's been alittle better so far - I hit the basement of rock bottom over the weekend but It's better right now. Thank you for remembering and asking.

Great to hear that twistedsoul. Least its something. Dont lose hope despite the difficulties.

When I first started reading your post the first paragraph the word proud came to mind. Idk - with those hope and expectations - maybe it's just wanting to make them proud. To have them say they're proud of us - our jobs or our achievements. That - look that's my son - he's got a good job - a house- wife - kids. A-B-C and D - ya know? That we've made them proud - they are proud to be our parents. Because we're good sons. Ya know?

Maybe. But question is for what? Or maybe also there is no reason behind it. Not everything needs a reason. No satisfication no reward no disgrace (show off) no anything not let them down? Or perhaps its just like a sense of correctness.

Tbh - that sounds like here - that peaceful isolation. No cars - no people - nothing but bird song and the wind through the trees. Granted I still have alot of thoughts here but there isn't any of the other nonsense. Some place where it almost feels as though time stands still. And I can pull the plug anytime on anything digital. Bt I think the beach some where on a deserted island would be a great place to be isolated - nothing but the surf - that steady crash of the waves. Just to sit and watch the tide come in and out. Man that just sounds so awesome.

Yea something along the lines you have described. I'm not sure about the thoughts and process. (But) even if they were there, given the "ideal peace" situation, perhaps might just be able to think clearer? Digital unplug, wow, i dont think i can do that so easily.

You're right with alot of this - there's alot of rehashing things and OMG the money spent is just amazing. And you are investing in yourself. But we're also the first to go without sometimes if we don't feel worth it. I know I struggle alot with my self worth. I don't like to think that I'm wasting people's time - not when there's other people more deserving then I am.

Well, right in the supposed way of thinking. But yet, I don't program myself to think so.

I kept preferring the other. Or should I say, too used to the other.

It is hard trying to decide what is enough - because well - it varies from person to person. Even from ourselves. Some times I feel it's enough but then other times it's not even close. Idk how to stop judging myself and being my own critic. I think maybe it falls back on wanting to make someone proud. Even to maybe make myself proud - ya know? Maybe in time - hoepfull not too much time.

interesting, wanting to make oneself proud.

well i can understand the part about different capacities of individuals. but its just "so" difficult to ask oneself (or myself) now that when to me is "enough". Its like i just keep having the forever feeling of insufficiency.

I'm sorry it took so long again - You have crossed my mind though - I still wish so many good things for you MIke.

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts.

Dont worry about it twistedsoul. Been checking in daily. Perhaps i should stop.

Thanks for hoping the better out for me. I been kinda wishing too. Just that it never happened. Or maybe the effort/drive is not strong enough. Been trying to think about work lately and hasnt been going well.

@mikenai22 Hey How are you?

You're right about the question for what. Idk - I think some of it is correctness. Some of it for me would be just the sense of my know they're proud. That I think would be the reward for me. To know they approve

I miss talking to people here but I have gotten better at unplugging from the internet. There's times when it Idk - all the stuff online is like over stimulating sometimes. Trying to read and research things - get a better understanding of stuff and well you know how that goes. You start at one site and end up somewhere way way out somewhere.

It is difficult to ask yourself when it's enough. I haven't been able to do that. I have moments when I feel good about something but I quickly pick it apart to find all the flaws. Like a childs game of find the missing pieces. That sense of pride never lasts long.

How have the exercises and the eating been going? Are you still having problems with pain? Did you ever pick a food processor - I remember your other one wasn't working so well. Sorry I didn't mean to hit you with a barrage of questions.

Be gentle with yourself Mike and your thoughts

@mytwistedsoul

Hey How are you?

Hi twised soul. Actually I dont know what to reply. Perhaps anxious, worried.

Honestly i been quiet about some stuffs. Though i kept feeling sinful for not saying it out. Kind of difficult to explain or rather lengthy.

You're right about the question for what. Idk - I think some of it is correctness. Some of it for me would be just the sense of my know they're proud. That I think would be the reward for me. To know they approve

I see... great to see that you have your definition for some of them. Least it feels ok to have some feel to get it "done" in a certain manner.

I miss talking to people here but I have gotten better at unplugging from the internet. There's times when it Idk - all the stuff online is like over stimulating sometimes. Trying to read and research things - get a better understanding of stuff and well you know how that goes. You start at one site and end up somewhere way way out somewhere.

Over stimulation/Anxiety/Unnecessary Worries/Fear/Etc. - It does. Unless one has very strong or well trained mindset to manage one's behaviour after use. Otherwise like many said. Excessive of anything is not a good idea. Though to some it doesnt hurt one bit

It is difficult to ask yourself when it's enough. I haven't been able to do that. I have moments when I feel good about something but I quickly pick it apart to find all the flaws. Like a childs game of find the missing pieces. That sense of pride never lasts long.

The feeling sucks i believe. And i believe it must be difficult for you to manage as well.

Though i truly hope that i can manage it and at least move on.

How have the exercises and the eating been going? Are you still having problems with pain? Did you ever pick a food processor - I remember your other one wasn't working so well. Sorry I didn't mean to hit you with a barrage of questions.

Exercises - Still finding it very weird. somedays i can perform. somedays my mind wants to go, the body says no. somedays its the inverse. =.=??? (new development) somedays very unheahlty mindset of wanting to exercise to "earn" food (calories) hiaz... sometimes even twice a day/thrice for a few times. (new) i also tried to change running on alternate days to home workouts instead, yoga/static/strength/fitness boxing kind of thing.

Eating - not much changes. still eating at home. and being on budget (because yea..) been on mostly grain + (puree) vegetables + fruits. Sometimes tried to throw (forced) back in like yogurt, soy milk, protein powder. Just to squeeze the protein in. Still mindfully obessive about numbers and costs.

Food Processor - No after the one that I bought the other time, was returned. Thats all. The mind couldnt kept looping.

Nah dont worry about the questions. At least I got something to "type".

Be gentle with yourself Mike and your thoughts

Thanks twisted soul. At least i can "check" in in a while.

@mikenai22 Hey Mike -

I do the same thing - keep quiet about things. Some I guess is like you - it's hard to explain. Mainly I guess - Idk if people can understand. Or if they want to. I guess maybe alot of it is my assumption that they'll just think I'm weird or a freak. This is your space though so if you feel like writting it out - length doesn't matter. You can even put a footnote on things if you don't want people to reply back to it. I can't say everyone will listen to that but most do.

Do you or have you noticed - on the days when the exercises are better and you're able to perform - have you noticed any relation to it and what you've eaten the day before? Like what ever you ate the day before has given you the energy? Like it had more protein in it? It might sound weird but I'm kind of glad to see that you're trying to switch thing up. Trying to do things differently to see what works. It says alot. Do you eat before or after you work out or does it depend on how you feel in the moment? I know yogurt is supposed to be good for your digestion. Are you still having problems with your throat? Do you still take antacids?

Be gentle with yourself - take care

@mytwistedsoul

Hello twistedsoul.

I do the same thing - keep quiet about things. Some I guess is like you - it's hard to explain. Mainly I guess - Idk if people can understand. Or if they want to. I guess maybe alot of it is my assumption that they'll just think I'm weird or a freak. This is your space though so if you feel like writting it out - length doesn't matter. You can even put a footnote on things if you don't want people to reply back to it. I can't say everyone will listen to that but most do.

It is ok. Dont have to explain. I can somewhat somehow relate.

I know there is no need to have others to understand you/me/whoever. Everyone has their own style/way/wants/needs to live, etc. Although there will be times each other disagrees. Freak or not is up to one (anyone) to think or fantasise about, but you should not allow it or let it affect you.

Space wise, i dont know. Why i say that because I truly don't know why i am typing, writing, etc. The intent, the goal, the purpose. Self-Gratification? Self-Satisfication? Self-Soothing? Seeking for permission? Seeking for attention? Yet i am denying them all. I mean like to a certain extent yes it can be helpful to write. But doing for the sake of doing. Doing as in writing rubbish/nonense is just... waste of time?

Footnote? as in?

Do you or have you noticed - on the days when the exercises are better and you're able to perform - have you noticed any relation to it and what you've eaten the day before? Like what ever you ate the day before has given you the energy? Like it had more protein in it? It might sound weird but I'm kind of glad to see that you're trying to switch thing up. Trying to do things differently to see what works. It says alot. Do you eat before or after you work out or does it depend on how you feel in the moment? I know yogurt is supposed to be good for your digestion. Are you still having problems with your throat? Do you still take antacids?

No. Not really. This journey of exploration has been tremendously mystical and un-answerable. As in basically 1+1 does not equal 2. Results or Outcomes have been intermittent. Despite all the readings, findings, research, data shows stuff like calories in, calories out, marcos, micros, diet, health, do this not that, self-help, self-improvement, mindfulness, meditate, etc. Its just very painful for me.

Well, i'll answer the last question. I have been back on antacids and suddenly been abit on a addiction and kind of costly. But somehow the chalky-ness seem to numb/ease the mouth better.

Be gentle with yourself - take care

Thanks twistedsoul. You too rest well.

@mikenai22 Maybe it's that in some way you're looking for a sense of belonging. Maybe a feeling of fitting in - somewhere. Maybe it's because of here - here there's a mismatch of people all with their own problems that sort of match our own. Maybe it's because for all our wanting of solitude - we are humans and I'm told humans are social creatures. At least here though people can kind of understand some of what we're going through. Sometimes it's nice to know that people took the time to respond - that for a moment you were a thought in their mind.

I'm sorry that you haven't gotten any closer to some answers. It's frustrating. Boy do I understand that. While I'm glad to hear they help with the mouth pain - I'm sorry to hear your becoming addicted to them. I did read though that they're often used for canker sores. I know you said they're expensive - but if they help?

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

@mytwistedsoul

Maybe it's that in some way you're looking for a sense of belonging. Maybe a feeling of fitting in - somewhere. Maybe it's because of here - here there's a mismatch of people all with their own problems that sort of match our own. Maybe it's because for all our wanting of solitude - we are humans and I'm told humans are social creatures. At least here though people can kind of understand some of what we're going through. Sometimes it's nice to know that people took the time to respond - that for a moment you were a thought in their mind.

perhaps. I believe my mentality of trying or rather forced trying to be someone that i am not. yet i have no reason why i wanted to. if it is acting on consiousness still ok. but it becomes so complusive that its like i must otherwise its wrong kind of mentality is just draining and unhealthy.

likewise to be honest, i also want to comment about blue. which i think it may just be true. We think we can find answers at anywhere as long as someone thinks it is correct. but actually instead of helping, it might just end up detoriating instead. - something like the meaning of not one solution works for all.

solitude. its so hard to obtain it. yes about social creatures. however for me, perhaps yourself too, need that alone time once in a while. To do what i duno, chill, sit still, etc. its like a break from anything kind of thing. yet until today i can never achieve it.

yea, glad to have and be able to meet understanding souls. - i guess its also timing and abit of faith.

and yes, i'm so grateful for it. when kind souls reminded me that they were in their thoughts. when i kept feeling deep down pain. although i am still feeling it.

I'm sorry that you haven't gotten any closer to some answers. It's frustrating. Boy do I understand that. While I'm glad to hear they help with the mouth pain - I'm sorry to hear your becoming addicted to them. I did read though that they're often used for canker sores. I know you said they're expensive - but if they help?

its ok. this struggle, if you noticed had been so long. and still i have no clue or answers.

duno, more like acidity/soury/weird taste. hence the chalky antacid tablets. oh... well... just sad with $ and me tormenting myself.

i dont really know if it is "helping" in physically or mentality. much worse if it is placebo. these are expensive placebos.

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

Thanks once again. You too do take care and rest well.

I wonder if i should step off again.

@mikenai22 Hey Mike

I do need that solitude sometimes - alot of times it's more of a compulsion then actually wanting or needing it. I kind of feel like the social outcast at times and just simply don't fit in with the way everyone else is or thinks. Idk - there's times when you feel like you just don't belong any where - ya know? The harder I try to conform and become like everyone else the farther I seem to lose myself.

I have noticed that you've been struggling for along time with everything. It's frustrating to be fighting with something for so long and still not have any answers to anything. It sometimes feels like it adds to the feeling of defeat. I know I did read something about how acid reflux can cause mouth and throat pain - so maybe thats why it's helping. It's a shame though that they're so expensive. Is there maybe a natural way - a homeopathis way that you could find that would have the same effect but at less cost?

Thank you Mike -

Be gentle with yourself - sorry it's taken so long to get back to you again

@mytwistedsoul

Hey Mike

Hello twistedsoul

I do need that solitude sometimes - alot of times it's more of a compulsion then actually wanting or needing it. I kind of feel like the social outcast at times and just simply don't fit in with the way everyone else is or thinks. Idk - there's times when you feel like you just don't belong any where - ya know? The harder I try to conform and become like everyone else the farther I seem to lose myself.

Yep, its somehow like an overengrossed mind that "I NEED IT" kind of feeling.

And like I will not be satisfied until i TRULY get it kind of thing.

Until today, i feel that i am still not able to get that "solitary" feel no matter how much i push for it.

It just keeps feeling trapped.

Trapped in someone's world.

Haha, well about belonging, or trying to fit in to some places or social events. Me too, i never been comfortable ever since young. Its like i never really like to interact with others, nor even want/like the need/trouble/hassle to maintain relationships.

I have noticed that you've been struggling for along time with everything. It's frustrating to be fighting with something for so long and still not have any answers to anything. It sometimes feels like it adds to the feeling of defeat. I know I did read something about how acid reflux can cause mouth and throat pain - so maybe thats why it's helping. It's a shame though that they're so expensive. Is there maybe a natural way - a homeopathis way that you could find that would have the same effect but at less cost?

Sometimes i really wonder if all the "feeling" that i am facing are just due to stress, anxiety, placebo, or over consumption, improper preparation of similar foods or whatever.

I might be telling myself the wrong thing. What if it is not acid reflux. But then what i know is that i do feel the food taste coming back up. and the tounge usually (almost 99%) will have the weird taste after every meal.

Well, there are alot of recommendations which some i tried, but then you know... the internet, there are always people harping one way and another starts countering. then doctors, professionals, family, others, have their point of view also. hiaz...

Thank you Mike -

Be gentle with yourself - sorry it's taken so long to get back to you again

No problems, Its ok. dont have to rush. You need your space too.

@mikenai22 Hey Mike

Trapped - that a good word for it. Trapped in a life you aren't sure of. Trapped in the expectations people place. Trapped in a world you feel like you don't fit in. Trapped in body and mind.

Relationships are hard. Tbh - I'd like friends but - Idk - I think I have some unrealistic thoughts sometimes. Idk - if it's a fear of their expectations or the fear that people only end up hurting you. Or maybe it's the fear that if they get to know me - they won't like me. I haven't had the best of luck with people.

I know stress and anxiety add to my stomach problems. Stress and anxiety cause alot of problems. I can get so stressed and anxious at times I end up getting hives. It causes head aches - achy joints - high blood pressure. I try to be careful with it but - Seems lately I spend half my time anxious and the other half depressed. My therapist wants me to try yoga again. So - Idk - might give it another shot.

It hard with so much different information coming at you from all sides.

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

@mytwistedsoul

Hey Mike

Hi twistedsoul. Somehow there is always a feeling of comfort seeing a notification reply from you. Its like "Yes! I got something to do and can reply twistedsoul! Gotta see what he/she wrote"

Trapped - that a good word for it. Trapped in a life you aren't sure of. Trapped in the expectations people place. Trapped in a world you feel like you don't fit in. Trapped in body and mind.

Guess what is worse though, the trap is created self-consciously and not willing to get out of it.

Relationships are hard. Tbh - I'd like friends but - Idk - I think I have some unrealistic thoughts sometimes. Idk - if it's a fear of their expectations or the fear that people only end up hurting you. Or maybe it's the fear that if they get to know me - they won't like me. I haven't had the best of luck with people.

It is. But then I think it also depends on individuals. Some perhaps like it? Or perhaps the feel/reward/anticipation may vary between individuals. Yea, I do agree somewhat about the "unrealistic thoughts" sometimes it appears at a wrong time or maybe because one may have some form of insecurity or fear. The problem i think is not with the unrealistic thoughts, but rather the strength and ability to get past or embrace it. Despite the thoughts, the fear or whatever being there. Its like letting it sit or pass in your mind and not fight with it.

I know stress and anxiety add to my stomach problems. Stress and anxiety cause alot of problems. I can get so stressed and anxious at times I end up getting hives. It causes head aches - achy joints - high blood pressure. I try to be careful with it but - Seems lately I spend half my time anxious and the other half depressed. My therapist wants me to try yoga again. So - Idk - might give it another shot.

It does, i noticed it kinda from time to time. However it has been difficult to co-relate sometimes. Sometimes things and timings just dont match, and I start questioning again. Its like it will never be right.

Wait... hives. Careful... not fun. Have my own experiences which are very irrirating. I think it should be hives, when i googled the chinese term for it.

Yoga - Well, if you can spare or find a bit of time, why not try it? I mean it does not hurt. Just like above, try to embrace it and get over the barrier.

It hard with so much different information coming at you from all sides.

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

Sorry... That's what my brother been telling me also. And it has been troubling to aid/support me with my concerns...

Still thank you for sitting down to listen and taking time to reply.

@mikenai22 I'm so sorry for letting time slip away again. In all honesty I haven't been doing so well and kind of fall too easily into the isolation. There've been alot of new changes here lately and in all honesty I am not real good with change. All of them seemed to have happened in a 24 hour period. There was no time to prepare - make adjustments.

Idk - thinking about this trapped feeling. Idk - maybe we stay trapped because it's comfortable - maybe we use it as an excuse to stay where we are.

I think some people do probably like it or maybe they're just better adapted to change and more secure in their boundaries. I find I always have questions and insecurities about what I want and how I feel. If something makes me uncomfortable and I see others seem ok with it - it's natural to assume it's me with the issues because well everyone else is ok with it. Idk - We all have our problems I guess. Some people are just better at working past them or more accepting of them. I find theres always some comparison between myself and other people. The slightest thing can freak me out sometimes - so I'm quick to assume it's me that's flawed.

I understand the anxiety - how it comes out of no where at times. I can be doing the simplest thing and feel at ease and all of a sudden there it is. Heart rate goes up - hard to breath - hard to calm down. I know anything can set stuff like that off - food allegies can too.

You're right I should give the yoga another shot - it can't hurt to try.

Despite your concerns - there's no reason you can't get support. Idk - we don't always have to fully understand what someone is going through in order to support them. You can still listen to them. You may not be able to offer much in the way of help or advice but sometimes it's nice to ust have someone listen to what we're saying . To - at least acknowledge our fears. I need to do better by you Mike - I consider you a friend and I haven't been here for you like I feel I should. Please dont think I've abandoned you.

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

@mytwistedsoul

I'm so sorry for letting time slip away again. In all honesty I haven't been doing so well and kind of fall too easily into the isolation. There've been alot of new changes here lately and in all honesty I am not real good with change. All of them seemed to have happened in a 24 hour period. There was no time to prepare - make adjustments.

Hey twistedsoul, Please dont apologise. Everyone. Even you, need your time and space.

Guess that makes both of us. Its like for one short moment like I have the "energy" to go or want or do it.

Then suddenly everything seemed like crashing down or turning out unexpected.

Yes, kinda had a few turnarounds, staff movements/changes. Although accepting them was kind of difficult. Some had its reasons, some felt "better", some not. Some well, i dont really use it. But i do kinda see the community responded kinda strongly.

But i think more importantly is yourself first? Than addressing the need to "adapt" to change in 7cups.

Idk - thinking about this trapped feeling. Idk - maybe we stay trapped because it's comfortable - maybe we use it as an excuse to stay where we are.

It does feel comfortable. Well excuse, procrastinate, real fatigue, and whatever reasons that is out in the internet.

Maybe a few times is ok? Although to some is like its either 0 chance of letting go or just dont do it at all.

I think some people do probably like it or maybe they're just better adapted to change and more secure in their boundaries. I find I always have questions and insecurities about what I want and how I feel. If something makes me uncomfortable and I see others seem ok with it - it's natural to assume it's me with the issues because well everyone else is ok with it. Idk - We all have our problems I guess. Some people are just better at working past them or more accepting of them. I find theres always some comparison between myself and other people. The slightest thing can freak me out sometimes - so I'm quick to assume it's me that's flawed.

Being able to see that. Its good.

Being able to tell your characteristic, behaviours, acknowleding, is good.

But perhaps maybe what you "could" consider to slow down is the comparsion part.

Unfortuntately in our current generation, yea we do compare alot.

Heck whether if it is for good or for bad reasons. But if you know it kinda hurts or damages you somehow, try to catch the mental thoughts of comparsion and watch it, but dont put too much energy till it affects you.

I understand it will be difficult. - Just suggesting something since i kinda read this guide or tactic alot.

I understand the anxiety - how it comes out of no where at times. I can be doing the simplest thing and feel at ease and all of a sudden there it is. Heart rate goes up - hard to breath - hard to calm down. I know anything can set stuff like that off - food allegies can too.

It sucks man... This feeling.

You're right I should give the yoga another shot - it can't hurt to try.

No harm. Why not? Unless... it is going to hinder something of your lifestyle.

Despite your concerns - there's no reason you can't get support. Idk - we don't always have to fully understand what someone is going through in order to support them. You can still listen to them. You may not be able to offer much in the way of help or advice but sometimes it's nice to ust have someone listen to what we're saying . To - at least acknowledge our fears. I need to do better by you Mike - I consider you a friend and I haven't been here for you like I feel I should. Please dont think I've abandoned you.

I'm just very lost. Nothings right. No matter how hard i push.

Then when things start crashing, it hurts even more.

But i think i am always over-expecting that i needed help not just listening part, but maybe to have a solution out from others...

Hope you can dont feel obligated... to support me... Who knows if i just dissappear the next moment.

Its not about the abandonment or what. Just that there are moments of shock/anxiety state where i needed aid, but i just cant find any sources.

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

Unfortantely i never really been good to myself. This sucks.

@mikenai22 Hey Hi Mike

Thank you for understanding. I try to get back to you. I understand the moment of energy. There a burst of "can do spirit" let's call it, but it never last long enough to get much accomplished. I understnad they had their reasons for changing things here. I guess the main problem they were having is the chat rooms. Which in all honestly I think they were visited a total of 2 or 3 times. But I do know a lot people depended on them for support.

It's hard to move forward when we can't let go. But it's so hard to let go. We often have so much of ourselves wrapped up into the things we can't let go. I know sometimes there is a serious lack of motivation. We just can't see the point of anything. Maybe if hope were something a little more tangible. Something we could hold in our hands, it would be different.

Thank you for the suggestion. I try to catch those thoughts but sometimes you can get so caught up in them.

I've never felt obligated to support you Mike. I just have been wishing I could do a better job of it. We used to talk more. I guess a lot of it boils down to energy. I do understand the lost feeling. I've been feeling lost for some time as well. Putting so much time, effort and energy into make things right, to fix them. To go through everything and still not be able to find a solution. It does hurt, you are right about that. To find someone, even here is hard to do. Most of the listeners are nice but I don't think they truely understand a lot of things. They aren't supposed to give advice, which makes it even more difficult. I guess the thing to remember is that the only ones who really know what we're going through... is us. They are basically sounding boards. Use them to vent or to just get things out of your head. Sometimes you can find one that is really good and they can give you a different way to view things, even if it is for a moment.

I know its hard to be good to yourself, to be gentle. Because we get so frustrated and angry with ourselves. Self compassion is something we could care less about. It's hard to be patient as well. At the moment though , maybe you can just for a minute or two, acknowledge that you're doing the best you can in the here and now.

Take care Mike. You're in my thoughts.

@mytwistedsoul

Hey Hi Mike

Hello twistedsoul

Thank you for understanding. I try to get back to you. I understand the moment of energy. There a burst of "can do spirit" let's call it, but it never last long enough to get much accomplished. I understnad they had their reasons for changing things here. I guess the main problem they were having is the chat rooms. Which in all honestly I think they were visited a total of 2 or 3 times. But I do know a lot people depended on them for support.

Welcome, dont worry about it. And great to hear your willingness and dedication. (Thanks, Thanks.... and Thanks. - I am at the stage where i feel i have no more people to chat with)

Energy - If you play video games, you know... like that they call "limit break" in Final Fantasy or how about "Nitrous Oxide/Turbo Engines" in modified vehicles. A short peak burst of energy, where "ANYTHING GOES!!!".

Oh well, not gona blame or fault the change. But as long as it improves conditions for everyone and benefits, dont see why not. Everything gotta try.

It's hard to move forward when we can't let go. But it's so hard to let go. We often have so much of ourselves wrapped up into the things we can't let go. I know sometimes there is a serious lack of motivation. We just can't see the point of anything. Maybe if hope were something a little more tangible. Something we could hold in our hands, it would be different.

Letting go - indeed. Wished sometimes things were just as easy or simply as just words or speaking.

Yes, if the ideals or whatever that we are tackling is clear (as in when dealing with options or decisions), things would be so much more easier...

Thank you for the suggestion. I try to catch those thoughts but sometimes you can get so caught up in them.

no problem. just sharing. it aint easy, but well, take your time. dont have to force yourself.

I've never felt obligated to support you Mike. I just have been wishing I could do a better job of it. We used to talk more. I guess a lot of it boils down to energy. I do understand the lost feeling. I've been feeling lost for some time as well. Putting so much time, effort and energy into make things right, to fix them. To go through everything and still not be able to find a solution. It does hurt, you are right about that. To find someone, even here is hard to do. Most of the listeners are nice but I don't think they truely understand a lot of things. They aren't supposed to give advice, which makes it even more difficult. I guess the thing to remember is that the only ones who really know what we're going through... is us. They are basically sounding boards. Use them to vent or to just get things out of your head. Sometimes you can find one that is really good and they can give you a different way to view things, even if it is for a moment.

please dont put pressure on yourself. cause i dont think i wish to feel/carry the burden either.

yes, it takes significant amount of energy, willpower, and also time. also the moment of time plays a part. you know sometimes things just dont align well... and the mood is totally off.

listeners - then i am at a complete lost... i duno who to look for anymore.. i cannot look upon myself now, with my current state. but yea those unique dedicated well-hearted listeners who went the extra mile, kinda hard to meet. i admire them.

I know its hard to be good to yourself, to be gentle. Because we get so frustrated and angry with ourselves. Self compassion is something we could care less about. It's hard to be patient as well. At the moment though , maybe you can just for a minute or two, acknowledge that you're doing the best you can in the here and now.

Take care Mike. You're in my thoughts.

probably your last statement is what i should try to practise.

to be able to "acknowledge", i think its a better start, than trying to force myself that i should... be compassionate to myself, etc... things not done correctly or what not.

I will... try to remind myself to take care... although i have not been...

Thanks for checking in twisted soul. you too take care.

@mikenai22 Hey Mike - How are you?

Lol - I had to laugh at the anything goes because it is like that. Hit the nitrous and just wow - go go go ! Until the tank is empty or the car blows up.

I do wish too that things were more clear. Like here's part A - which leads me to part B. But The path to get to part B is so twisted. And well I have a problem with always second guessing everything I do. Wondering if what I'm doing or what I'm feeling is right. I mean it feels right in the moment but it's the later part when you sort of go over everything later thats when the wondering starts. If you handled it correctly.

Yeah some listeners - I don't know what to really say. Some just don't seem to really care and others seem to want to force their point of view. Or they basically disagree with what you're saying. I know it's strickly a volunteer thing here and that some people are really dedicated but Others really shouldn't be trying to help people. Sometimes they have anxiety themselves that sort of carry over into the conversations you're having with them and you end up spending more time reassuring them. IDk - it's a good idea - just maybe they need to offer better training? I wish I knew someone to recommend for you.

I wanted to thank you for the compliment thread - that was really nice to see. Made me smile. Thank you for thinking of me. I know I don't get back to you as often as I would like to but there is always somthing that has you run through my thoughts. Some recipe or something or an article on yoga.

It's definitely a good start to acknowledge that you should - maybe you aren't but at least you sort of know you should. We have to start somewhere - right? And then we get in the thoughts of how everything needs to be perfect and we aren't happy until it is. I do see you around in the forums sometimes and tbh - it makes me happy to see you trying to connect and the words of encouragement I see you give some people. It says alot Mike. You are a good person - even if you yourself don't see it. Other people do - I do for sure.

Try to be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. You may not do as well as you hope with it but even if it is for just a moment - it does count - alot. And each of those moments adds up and maybe next time - it can be for a moment longer.

Take care Mike - You're in my thoughts

@mytwistedsoul

Hey Mike - How are you?

Hey, twistedsoul. Somewhat worse in terms of mentality. Although there are some minor nick knacks of progresses that i am not very proud of.

Lol - I had to laugh at the anything goes because it is like that. Hit the nitrous and just wow - go go go ! Until the tank is empty or the car blows up.

Aint that so true. Haha, glad it put a short simple smile for you.

I do wish too that things were more clear. Like here's part A - which leads me to part B. But The path to get to part B is so twisted. And well I have a problem with always second guessing everything I do. Wondering if what I'm doing or what I'm feeling is right. I mean it feels right in the moment but it's the later part when you sort of go over everything later thats when the wondering starts. If you handled it correctly.

May I say 2 things?

1. Wow. The way you explain. It totally explains my train of thoughts.

2. After chatting, replying, with you for a while, somehow, something feels like me (you) are expriencing something very closely similar - Or was just a random coincidence?

Yeah some listeners - I don't know what to really say. Some just don't seem to really care and others seem to want to force their point of view. Or they basically disagree with what you're saying. I know it's strickly a volunteer thing here and that some people are really dedicated but Others really shouldn't be trying to help people. Sometimes they have anxiety themselves that sort of carry over into the conversations you're having with them and you end up spending more time reassuring them. IDk - it's a good idea - just maybe they need to offer better training? I wish I knew someone to recommend for you.

Well its abit of a give and take kind of "risk" when on volunteering. Despite trainings or whatever, the end result deliverables is still open to volunteers. Its like there is no way of functioning if not for them. Hence the give and take slight scarifice. Hence we as in the public community point of view cannot really dictate that a volunteer has to behave this way or some form of strict requirements. I mean unless you're paying? Then its a totally different form of discussion.

Oh well, its ok twistedsoul, i wished i have some soul that can/is connectable and almost in sync kind.

I wanted to thank you for the compliment thread - that was really nice to see. Made me smile. Thank you for thinking of me. I know I don't get back to you as often as I would like to but there is always somthing that has you run through my thoughts. Some recipe or something or an article on yoga.

You are welcome. No wait. Its more of a I want to do it for you kind of thing. Not asking for any single thing/words in return.

But still that was the only thing i thought i could chance upon to share some bits of gratitute without pondering a better way of saying Thanks. I understand its nothing big but intent is just to share/send the message.

Wow... I didn't knew somehow little messages or articles can actually places me in your train of thoughts. Thank you so much... for caring for me.

I know i am very selfishly thinking that I am alone in this "war". Because my mind is too self-centered and cant really open up to see/feel what others think...

It's definitely a good start to acknowledge that you should - maybe you aren't but at least you sort of know you should. We have to start somewhere - right? And then we get in the thoughts of how everything needs to be perfect and we aren't happy until it is. I do see you around in the forums sometimes and tbh - it makes me happy to see you trying to connect and the words of encouragement I see you give some people. It says alot Mike. You are a good person - even if you yourself don't see it. Other people do - I do for sure.

Cant... I really hope to be at a better place. But something is holding me back.

Chains, Restraining, Struggle, Pain.

Try to be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. You may not do as well as you hope with it but even if it is for just a moment - it does count - alot. And each of those moments adds up and maybe next time - it can be for a moment longer.

Take care Mike - You're in my thoughts

I understand about the little moments that adds up, and it aint easy part. But I simply cannot remember/recall any of such during my day to day activities. And constantly allow my mind to wander off to darkness...

You too take care twistedsoul. Thanks again for remembering me.

@mikenai22 I'm really sorry to hear that somethings are worse. I understand that though - There are time when things seem fine here but then - IDk - it can go to h*ll pretty quick.

It think in someways we're alot alike in some of our thinking. Maybe it's just the whole mental health thing. But I know I am not mentally healthy. We got caught up in our depression and our anxiety. We know it's not normal and well I think alot of people think it's just something you can put aside and get over. Maybe some people can but there are those of us who feel so weighed down by it all - it's impossible to do anything more then just survive. I don't if it's something that physically stops us or if it's just our thinking. Believe me if I could be different from the way I am - I would be.

That message was a very nice thing for me to see. I don't think you're selfish thinking you're alone in your battles - I see myself that way too. Probably because alot of times we just can't make people understand the way we think - the way we feel. They just don't understand that it's not a matter of waking up in the morning and saying - I'm going to be happy today - I am going to be successful. They don't understand the darkness we're lost in. It's kind of like - if you hear a noise and try to explain it to someone. You can still hear the noise in your head but you can't make the sound well enough so that someone else can understand what you heard - Idk - maybe that doesn't make much sense.

I really wish I knew of a listener for you - one that's kind - patient and understanding. Someone who could be there for you. I understand your mind wandering off to the darkness - mine has been lost there a few times and honestly there have been times when I've been really tempted to give up. But somehow we find the strength to keep trying and that shows alot of strength. I still hope and wish so many good things for you Mike.

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

@mytwistedsoul

I apologise first for delayed reply. Stuffs happened. I apologise again, i think it will be very difficult for me to explain. But I felt strongly i should share. So I tell you what... I write "what happened" but probably without details. - Sucessful or Failed Events.

- Job Hunt (failed) - Mentally not ready, Body felt the need/want to move on, Kept finding when moment of acceptance arrive, either something mishap or something misaligned will rerail entire opportunity. Feeling sucky.

- Mental Break (failed) - Forcedfully went Malaysia (Genting Highlands) some hotel. In a very bad state. Very cold/wet. Mind was full of anxiety and stress and depressed. Very heavy heart due to work result or unable to wait... patiently. End up i felt like i wasted my family's hard earned $

- ANC Headphones (failed) - Unfortuntately, another forced purchase requested. Decision let to fate by my brother. Induces extreme anxiety and claustrophobic.

- Trying to change mentality (failed of course) - Give up stuffs, way i think about family, rules, stuffs, more and more. Change my behaviors, unsustainable behavior/rules, etc...

I'm really sorry to hear that somethings are worse. I understand that though - There are time when things seem fine here but then - IDk - it can go to h*ll pretty quick.

Thanks twistedsoul. It does happen. It just suck.

It think in someways we're alot alike in some of our thinking. Maybe it's just the whole mental health thing. But I know I am not mentally healthy. We got caught up in our depression and our anxiety. We know it's not normal and well I think alot of people think it's just something you can put aside and get over. Maybe some people can but there are those of us who feel so weighed down by it all - it's impossible to do anything more then just survive. I don't if it's something that physically stops us or if it's just our thinking. Believe me if I could be different from the way I am - I would be.

Perhaps, or if not maybe, actually this is what mental health "thing" is all about. Probably just the topics are slightly different and how one-self reacts, behave, respond to one issue. Actually may i say something? (Ignore the next ** lines, if you cannot accept or feels offended, it is ok... and i apologise in advance) ** Mentally Healthy - Actually everyone may be mentally unhealthy in some way. Its just how one manages it or choses how to react to it. Some handle it well, does not allow it affect its life, some well maybe abit, some erm, yea extreme level. Thats all. ** Yea just to survive, that is the painful irritating part. Guessing the toughness of getting it over or trying to "get it" fixed has been also desperate for you too.

That message was a very nice thing for me to see. I don't think you're selfish thinking you're alone in your battles - I see myself that way too. Probably because alot of times we just can't make people understand the way we think - the way we feel. They just don't understand that it's not a matter of waking up in the morning and saying - I'm going to be happy today - I am going to be successful. They don't understand the darkness we're lost in. It's kind of like - if you hear a noise and try to explain it to someone. You can still hear the noise in your head but you can't make the sound well enough so that someone else can understand what you heard - Idk - maybe that doesn't make much sense.

It does make sense to me. I wished that message can be registered or at least accepted by others.

But its just so sad. "We" can only share the message.

I really wish I knew of a listener for you - one that's kind - patient and understanding. Someone who could be there for you. I understand your mind wandering off to the darkness - mine has been lost there a few times and honestly there have been times when I've been really tempted to give up. But somehow we find the strength to keep trying and that shows alot of strength. I still hope and wish so many good things for you Mike.

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

Thank you for trying, regardless of the outcome. Dont pressurise yourself. Nor overburden yourself over it. Each of us (got problem or not) have our battles and wars to fight with... Its abit hard to justfiy if we put enough effort or just procrastinate out of it... But then.. well...

Thanks... I cant really remember to be gentle with myself. I think i can only forever stay in this ill-treat manner for my life...

@mikenai22 Hey it's ok, you've nothing to be sorry for.

So wow - I know you see all those as failures - but Mike I have to tell you - I AM SO PROUD OF YOU! Sorry I don't mean to yell - lol but this is so big! I know they may not have been successful but holy crap - these are attempts. All in a short space of time. Ok so the job hunt didn't go well - the fact is you still went out and looked. Ok so the trip was cold and wet - but you still went of a trip! I mean don't get me wrong - it does suck that it didn't work out but the fact is - you did this - please tell me you see how big a deal it is? I don't mean to down play your feelings either and seem invalidating because I know it hurts that things didn't go the way you hoped. This really does make my day though. This shows alot of effort to me. Lol - sorry - I'm alittle over-zealous I guess. I just think it's really great that you went out and tried.

I hope it doesn't offend you for me to wish you a Merry Christmas. I wish for you to have a good day - filled with peace and tranquility. A day for you to be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. A day for you to acknowledge the steps that you have taken - the effort you have put in. Sorry - feeling sentimental I think. Merry Christmas Mike

@NoneTheWiser

Hi Mike. I just wanted to say thank you too for sharing that video. The part about the "thousand ways" for everything to go wrong... really hit me. I also just wanted you to know that you and @mytwistedsoul are not alone in that survival mode. Sometimes we don't even realize we're in it.

Hi wise one.

Looped the video multiple times, cant seem to resonate it well though.

And yes, sometimes its hard to realise until you really "see/notice it". Its hard but being able to notice it is great. Even better if after noticing it, oneself is willing to push to get out of it. No matter what it takes, how long it takes. Yes it is going to be tough.

@NoneTheWiser

Hi Mike. It's been a while since I've checked in with you. You have been in my thoughts often.

Hi wise one. Yea, been awhile.

Thank you for mindfully remembering me and showing your care.

I can understand that feeling of asking why things can't be simpler. Perhaps that question actually shows a lot about your core values, that you appreciate when things are simple and might like to live your life that way.

I still cannot comprehen nor even write out my core values.

a few days back, when i listed them out. i realised i actually wanted them "all". which is a very ill-minded mentality of perfectionist and being unrealistic. this is because of the want of trying to be correct in all "aspects" and trying to balance everything that i want, is not easily achievable.

yet, here i am pushing, torturing, punishing myself and resulting in my current state. not even willing to let go.

You mentioned in your last post about being trapped in your comfort zone. This made me think of what my comfort zones might be. I'll have to have a good think on this. I'm really not sure what they are. When you imagine being in that zone, does it feel comforting?

honest?

sometimes yes, sometimes no.

a bit of a weird thing, its like security only. sometimes i hate to be in that "safe" zone. yet i cannot venture out of it.

I relate so much to how you described the perfectionism thoughts. When doing the same things doesn't give the same result, I do feel that self-blame and guilt too. And the scrambling afterward to figure out how to make sure it doesn't happen again. I don't think I have yet accepted that I don't have the kinds of effects on things that I think I do.

Thanks wise one. Its never easy. Just have to keep "trying" to be mindful... catch oneself when those "hurt" starts and pause/ask/stop such that it does not deteroirate further. very mentally draining.

Noticed how i can type these out. yet i am not helping/aiding or putting much effort to ease myself.

I hope that the weekend brings something which might allow you to feel a bit of peace.

well... i wonder. kinda difficult when things are just full of negativity.

thank you for chiming in and your well wishes.

Take care too and hopefully you have a good weekend too, and perhaps also something to look forward to.

Dont really know what is wrong. I keep having this feeling that I am losing it. - In the sense of trust.

I know, trust takes time to built.

Takes a long journey to build, Easy to lose quickly.

I don't understand, what is it that I do wrongly. Or what sort of decision that I have made that everyone had lost trust with me.

@NoneTheWiser

Hey Mike. I hear you. I can relate to conflicting feelings with trust.

Hey wise one, nice to see you here.

Thanks for relating. The feeling it just sucky.

I'm hearing that it sounds like you get the sense that people around you aren't trusting you? Is it things people have said to you about this, or a feeling you have from them? Are you also feeling like you are having trouble trusting others?

Yes. As in like imagine someone asking you for clarification/opinion/questions/answers/help/research. You gave them your response/experiences/research/findings. Yet they don't even trust you one bit. Its like when they check back with you again, they either gave some disbelief or pretty much ignored your advices/recommendations/warnings.

On the contary, yes, I am myself having issues trusting others (to a certain extent). Somehow the stubborness of the mind is like, oh trust the "video on the internet" and yet not the living person right in front of you.

These sound like difficult thoughts to deal with. Are you sure you did anything wrong? Sometimes people can have trouble trusting, but that doesn't necessarily mean we did something to cause it. (Like I have trouble trusting people at first sometimes - even for a while at times - but it has more to do with my past issues than anything they did.)

Well, I don't know if what I did was wrong or not. Perhaps a decision (choice of "wanting" help?) or some triggered event, that resulted to the state I am in. Its kinda difficult to CSI back to the past, though i can still kinda remember. But then again - people will just say to not waste time dwelling on the past, and focus on the present. Neither nor worry about future... zzz. All the crap self-improvements.

@NoneTheWiser

Yes, i think i understand what you mean about others not trusting your judgment maybe? Someone used to regularly ask me about things, and after i told them, they would always double-check my work, or ask someone else before they would believe me. It was always very frustrating and made me sad. It did feel like they weren't trusting me, or they thought others opinions held more weight. How do you feel when that happens?

Not judgement. More like opinion/experiences/truth. Something that is more "concrete". Perhaps because maybe my answers are mostly from internet... hence the lost of trust...

Red - How true. It'd always happened, when i still had my job. You know what makes things worse? "They" will say, things like, dont worry i trust you, entrust you to some task, etc. then later after receieving what they needed, they go back and check again. Proof-reading/Personal Safety (i.e. banking, sensitivity, etc.) vs Trusting is totally different. (Funny. while typing this response to you. I stood at a far corner in my mind, and asked myself about myself. "Don't you used to do that to others?")

Blue - It always does. What's worse is that the injured party is the self that has been tasked, not having the trust, and having to self-blame for frustration. It just only self-hurts more.

To me I felt more of a lost in faith and trustwortiness with both parties, self and the other. Its like opposing don't believe in me, yet asked for my aid. Delivered and got treated in a kind of unaccepting manner. But then, that is how I think. Perhaps to another person it could be seen/accepted in another manner.

Yet my brother actually explained in his opinion yesterday late evening. He is more than happy to share his experiences. But what's most important is that he do not allow other's behaviour/opinion/outcome to affect him in anyway.

Because, it is their lifes'. He never attempts (nor should be) control them. Everyone has in a way their own judgement and experiences also.

I can understand where there are times you might trust something online more. Especially something like a video or article, because a lot of them seem more "official", like they have the facts.

On the contary, I keep finding information that also opposes. Which just basicallly stir things around.

Not only making judgement or decision making challenging. But the "correct" source of information is also... questionable. What irony that it relates to above.

Now I am contemplating about myself which I felt that some stuffs I might just be hurting myself unknowingly... (i.e. diets, nurtition, health, etc.)

Hmm. It sounds really difficult, this thought that you did something wrong. It is hard to try to figure out all the events of the past that lead to the way we are or our relationships with others.

Yes, It does indeed.

Do you have plans for the weekend? Is there anything nice you might try to do for yourself?

You are in my thoughts, Mike.

No.

My life is a goner. I never once able to decide/plan concrete something. Abit more like a struggle to survive.

Thanks wise one. I appreciate your thoughts and responses.

@NoneTheWiser

Hi Mike.

Hello wise one.

Your brother has an interesting opinion on it. It always makes me curious how people are able to take in others' words or behaviors without allowing those to affect them. I find this nearly impossible to do. I might be able to come back to this conclusion sometimes, but it is usually after a long period of overthinking everything and second-guessing myself first. To just be able to take in information and automatically be able to calmly decide what to accept/reject like that.

He told me that it takes time to kind of practise and learn (or self-train if you see it that way)

Well, no one is perfect. He told he that he sure will have his times to. But if you train well enough or mentally strong, once you catch the "shit I am concluding, assumping, or sort of ding-dong rubbish" you pull yourself out.

I wont say its easy. And perhaps it might also be dependant on individual capabilities. I'm not professional in this area to... guess the possibility although im trying to avoid the word impossible. Yet often we fall to it.

It's good that he does not try to control others with his opinions too. It is true that everyone has their own judgement and experiences that determine what they find works best for them.

Yea. this is what I find that he is very strong with now.

Compared to the past where he had experienced similar issues. Although I do not know in which area.

I relate to what you said about a lot of the information you find on the internet opposing itself. It does make it really confusing to figure out what information we want to use in our decision-making.

Yea it really "sucks" (sorry blunt words).

Its like I'm trying to aid here. But yet blinded or brainwashed by accident.

What's worse is the damage that might be unknowingly cause... (perhaps i'm feeling it now)

How have you been doing the last couple days?

Not much difference... other than the usual problems.

And i am noticing some health related issues... although i am not supposed to self-diagnose.

@NoneTheWiser

Hi Mike, how are you?

Hi Wise one. Not very sure. I'm feeling lost and puzzled.

Most of all questioning myself.

I haven't been on here as much lately with some life changes going on (moving, etc.), but I wanted to let you know you have been in my thoughts. I wanted to check in and see how you are. Are you finding things that are working better for you than others lately?

Wow. New place? Hopefully you can get it completed and sorted out soon?

Wow... thanks wise one. Very nice to hear about you remembering bout me, plus in addition that you came in here just to look out for me.

Well about things, i will only say it is full of questions that are floating, unanswerable, and me myself not coming to peace with it...

All i know is it is just deterimental and kinda of a self-damaging.

All these self-created, self-restricting rules.

Do take care of yourself, wise one.

@NoneTheWiser

Hi Mike. You are in my thoughts today. How are you? How are things going with the online/offline balance? Have you had any changes lately with your food making, exercise, routines in general? How are you feeling about: you?

Hey wise one. Thanks for coming in and also putting thoughts for me.

Me, well still more or less the same struggling, pondering, asking, seeking, restless, questioning, ruminating, complusion, etc.

To be honest, the balancing of online/offline has been a struggle lately. Been logging back to 7cups daily just to check for notifications, it became like a routine habit again... (kinda bad i suppose?)

Sometimes i think the only "better" suggestion or solution is to really break out by disengaging, i.e. removing. deleting.

But in great honesty, and lessons i learnt or "read" at least. - is mindfulness, the ability to "catch" yourself wanting it, and just letting this thought flow by. Not putting full 100% energy on it.

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Changes wise well. i wont say it has been great. the mind is constantly worrying the usual.

Calories, Cost, Money, Can digest or not, Want, Need, Macros/Micros, Vegetarian/Vegan/Plant-Based, Correct, Wrong, What time is it, Why so much, Balanced, where's the vegetables, protein?, etc...

Food - Been trying to not "puree" my vegetables as much as possible. But end up i started seeing more vegetables (as in literality vegetables, leafs, carrots, tomatoes (yea i dont really wanted it), cucumber/zucchini seeds (i think expected), beans (edamame, chickpea, tempeh, etc.) in my output (sorry, i had to dig as usual). Tried to introduce back "gas producing vegetables" kinda "wanted" them. But had to suffer the pain. Sweet Potatoes, choked on them the other day, went to the doctor.... nothing they can do... wasted my $... Told me to keep swallowing. Unless its sharp/severe to go emergency.. hiaz.

Exercise - The complusion is starting to get worse. There are days where i do "double" sessions, just to compensate for snacks or 2 cups of toasted oats. I reduced my "running" sessions but exchanged for strength/static/cardio at home instead. So now is abit like, 2 day static, 1 day run.

However of recent... i dont really know why, the workouts has not been pleasant. Either extreme fatigue during the day. (cause i wake up like 1-3am and start working out, while shutting down at 6-8pm)

Routines - So far... nothing's much changed.

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Suicide Hotline/Chat Support

Yea, i managed to find this site (iamalive.org), and managed to reach a chat support... hiaz very sad.

The thoughts kept flying past. Pointless of everything, no purpose, meaningless.

Yet i dont dare to do it kind of thing.

So the mind is constantly in a battle between nothing.

@NoneTheWiser

Hi Mike

I hope things has been going well for you.

I have noticed in reading your posts over time... (I wonder if you notice too) even though you mention some of the same compulsions et al, you also have had some evolution of thoughts? Have you noticed yourself looking more at your motivations, for example your online/offline presence? I feel like i have noticed you talking more about these things, what feels healthiest for you, etc. I felt like i should tell you. Even if you don't have all the answers yet, it just feels like there have been some changes since we first started talking. Sometimes we don't always see that ourselves until someone else points it out.

I know. They are on "Cassette Tape Loop". However I cant seem to get over them. Its like the "die hard" mentality of wanting a solution, an answer, or at least some form of firmed decision.

No not really looking at motivations, the negativity character of mine, has never really truly looked at the bright side before. Its more only like I should be doing this, should not be doing that, and up it just bite back at me. Its like no matter how hard i push, alot of resistance keeps coming back.

And yes, about your last statement. I noticed it alot of times, where i needed help/aid from others to point it out to me. Otherwise I will just constantly dwell, loop, dig further down the hole. Or sometimes, actually its just some positive outcome, that i did not even noticed.

To be honest with you, I also struggle greatly with checking in here more than I'd like to, checking notifications, etc. I think this is a matter of internal boundaries with myself, but I'm not always very good about keeping myself in check. What do you think it is for you that makes you want to check? For me i think it is feeling lonely and maybe wanting to feel validated in my feelings/experiences.

I see. It must be difficult for you too. For me, i would say a few pointers like, Fear, Routines, Always Proactively check/reply, Dont keep others hanging, or Catching "everything" that I should be collecting/doing (i.e. stupid coupons, coins, vouchers, sales, etc.) I dont have much "feelings" left. Or at least for me to say, as in feeling it. Everything feels very numbing and painful/hurtful. I know it is quite self-damaging and self-harm.

I think you have a good point about mindfulness and making note of these emotions or reactions we have. Just noticing but not throwing our full energy into thinking on them.

Well, type is one thing. Ability to do it, well its another total game.

If you don't mind me asking, what caused you to change from pureeing the foods? Was it just wanting to try something different? You mentioned some pain with this. Did you notice any benefits?

Alot has told me what I am "eating" is not sustainable, and i have been preparating/microwaving all my foods at home. Never had i actually ate out. Fear of "not clean eating", not whole plant food, etc.

Puree, sure, easier to intake more. More calories, more fibre, more whatever goodness. But also mean... have to "consume" more? I duno. It just does not look humane food. Although sometimes i really liked it. But problem is I cannot do this outside. Hence making my life entirely stucked at home. Waiting for the next meal timing.

No - Totally no benefits... Its just some "bluff" to myself i think. Although may be some sort of safety feeling like oh, i am eating "correctly" now. Regardless is what I want or not. Probably cause some youtube/internet said so.

You mentioned the workouts haven't been pleasant, with some extreme fatigue. Do you think the double routines are burning more than the calories you're taking in?

No idea, but I have been... kinda overeating... So.. the compulsion to want to "workout" to clear.

If not otherwise I'm at the desk/computer the rest of the time. I dont have any place to go.

How is your sleep? You mentioned waking very early to start exercise.

Restless Mind... Not really a peaceful one.

Mike, I'm really proud of you for contacting the chat support. It does mean something. All your thoughts, feelings, and efforts mean something. You are a worthwhile person. I'm really glad to know you.

Its just an act of desperation i guess.

Pardon me on asking, if it is ok. I'm actually interested on how you see me as a worthwhile person? Its like... the struggle is so fatiguing and nothing been "happy" or least making sense to me.

@NoneTheWiser

I don't mind you asking at all.

Thank you.

I say you are a worthwhile person because i appreciate the way you think about things. You have given me insights and ways to think about things that i might have never considered before. With issues like the compulsive checking of this site, your openness helps me to know I'm not alone in that. It's not something i talk about with many people. This has a good effect on me.

Interesting. Never knew how my keyboard warrior is helping you out. Well at least its "contributing" in a certain manner to someone. Thank you for appreciating.

I also think you're a worthwhile person because you exist. You are here, interacting with me in this moment. You have unique views that no one else can offer.

Actually... about unique'ness. im not truly sure. Cause to me, its just probably obtained from youtube/internet generally. Maybe perhaps one or two are just some personal experiences.

@NoneTheWiser

Hi Mike

Hi Wise one. I apologise for missing out your post.

You were in my thoughts this evening and I wanted to check in to see how things have been going. I've seen your name pop up around a couple threads recently, and that made me smile. Have you been exploring the forums a bit more?

Wow. wise one. Sometimes I keep pondering, how do one (anyone) makes or suddenly get spark a thought and concerned about another soul? I am very grateful for your concerns and being open in explaining your concerns for me.

Well... regarding the threads, I'm just tired. Thought of ramping elsewhere. I duno if i am desperately seeking attention or what. I wont say exploring the forums more, rather recent i feel like a possible serious need to let go and disengage from any media. Pertaining to health, food, etc. And see if i can dont remind myself about these issues that I been experiencing.

How are you feeling - physically? emotionally?

Physically - Never better, always painful, aching, weak, nausea'ted, wondering/comtemplating what is wrong. It seemed very hard to rest/recover

Emotionally - Suicidal Thoughts are always present, but unable to commit. I even went back to imalive.org online chat for just a bit of attention. I wonder how i should really move on from here, its purely exhausting constantly battling everyday. Not even knowing where/what my end goal is.

In short my mom suddenly passed away this year a couple days after my 22nd birthday and I might be spending Christmas alone. My small family has been having a lot going on in their own personal lives and has lead them to be very distant now. I have zero friends and feel very sad and alone. My mom went all out for the holidays every year making it special for us and now Im gonna be alone in my nearly empty apartment for Christmas. My dad and I dont talk other than his occasional drunk text about how he wont ever talk to me and how Im a bad daughter, he has had an alchohol addiction for as long as I can remember. I feel lost in life. Sad and alone. Ive lost my job due to my own mental state and cant afford therapy. I dont know how to be better

@mytwistedsoul

Hey it's ok, you've nothing to be sorry for.

Dont mind if i cut the entire post out.

Hellow TwistedSoul. I can understand. Its just somehow the weird behaviour of wanting to apologise for almost everything. Become so normal that I (we) start apologising for anything small/big.

So wow - I know you see all those as failures - but Mike I have to tell you - I AM SO PROUD OF YOU! Sorry I don't mean to yell - lol but this is so big! I know they may not have been successful but holy crap - these are attempts. All in a short space of time. Ok so the job hunt didn't go well - the fact is you still went out and looked. Ok so the trip was cold and wet - but you still went of a trip! I mean don't get me wrong - it does suck that it didn't work out but the fact is - you did this - please tell me you see how big a deal it is? I don't mean to down play your feelings either and seem invalidating because I know it hurts that things didn't go the way you hoped. This really does make my day though. This shows alot of effort to me. Lol - sorry - I'm alittle over-zealous I guess. I just think it's really great that you went out and tried.

Red - Don't worry. Don't be apologetic. Sometimes I need that kick to wake up or see it.

Blue - Actually some of them i quietly did at the background. Its painful to hide from people. Majorly are known by my family. Sometimes I'm just so exhausted to retype the entire day online, my phone, my journal, my blog. Imagine the effort to reiterate.

Green - Hmm, Somehow negativity only registers in my mind. Its like going the extent and effort, over the barrier hurdle and not getting the desired result. Worse off is that my mind/body chicken'ed out at last minute. Retreating and Hiding. The intent, purpose, objective starts to fog and become unclear.

I dont really see it as down play feelings or what. But its just dissapointing to see failures after failures. Yes... people, life, things, every particle on planet earth goes through phases of life, ups and downs to reach their destinations. But at my (maybe everyone's) current stage and mindset, all i wish for is some light, that I never seen.

Orange - Erm.. Okays. Not sure how but I'm happy for you. Pardon me, I'm kinda soul-less, emotional-less for sometime.

I hope it doesn't offend you for me to wish you a Merry Christmas. I wish for you to have a good day - filled with peace and tranquility. A day for you to be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. A day for you to acknowledge the steps that you have taken - the effort you have put in. Sorry - feeling sentimental I think. Merry Christmas Mike

Don't worry. I'm not offended. I just gave up on holidays. So i kind of shut myself out from it.

Hmm. Instead of feeling sentimental, rather I felt weird. As in why or how come my mind don't process the way you did. Which is someone of normal self would have processed, in a more reflective manner, being grateful. And most importantly thinking in the right sense of direction. Not like just continously dwelling and self-blame all day long.

Thank you for the well concerns and holiday wishes. I hope you have a great day too. Take care, and Merry Christmas to you and your family.

@mikenai22 Hey Mike How are you? Yeah - I know - sort of a stupid question on my part. It's kind of hard to believe it's the stat of a new year. I hope for both of us - that it's a better year than it was last year.

It's hard to say why people don't see the good things - I wonder if maybe it's because we're just wired that way. I often don't see the things I've accomplished either. People will point them out and say yay - look at all the good - but Idk - I feel it should be more or maybe it should be on a larger scale - more noticable or something.

Tbh - to me the holidays are just another day. If anything it makes it so that I notice what's missing more. Family - satisfaction - happiness. Idk - I think it's been a long time since I was happy. I even bought some new tools to do wood work - things I needed to get because some of the other stuff is wearing out - and I have yet to use them. Went as far as to take the stuff out of the box - looked at it - went oh cool and stuck it away. No motivation to do anything. Eh - maybe tomorrow.

You're in my thoughts Mike - be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

@mytwistedsoul

Hey Mike How are you? Yeah - I know - sort of a stupid question on my part. It's kind of hard to believe it's the stat of a new year. I hope for both of us - that it's a better year than it was last year.

Hi. twistedsoul. Kinda nauseated, vomiting, not digesting well (at least to say food sticking in stomach... maybe i should really quit or let go of the healthy diet/lifestyle)

Nothings stupid question, you asked probably because you're concerned or need to know why. Otherwise the thought wouldn't have generated.

Well new year, yea. I'm losing track of it. I lost the feelings and mood for holidays, since. Nevertheless thank you for the well hopes. (Though i'm trying excessively hard to believe in - but i dont want to dismay and disappoint you) Hope you have a good year too.

It's hard to say why people don't see the good things - I wonder if maybe it's because we're just wired that way. I often don't see the things I've accomplished either. People will point them out and say yay - look at all the good - but Idk - I feel it should be more or maybe it should be on a larger scale - more noticable or something.

There was some article somewhere that i read previously about it. I'm not sure if its a learnt behavior or because of something else. Its like some character traits that we value and or believe in, tunnels our view such that we put more emphasis on certain aspects. And in the long run it fuels and becomes a very bad habit. Then once we slowly lose focus/direction. Things just becomes norm, resulting in a very unheahtly mind.

Good wise, whether big small or noticable. I guess its personal thing and also perspective. Some value little positivity, while some actually see them as major. So yea.

Tbh - to me the holidays are just another day. If anything it makes it so that I notice what's missing more. Family - satisfaction - happiness. Idk - I think it's been a long time since I was happy. I even bought some new tools to do wood work - things I needed to get because some of the other stuff is wearing out - and I have yet to use them. Went as far as to take the stuff out of the box - looked at it - went oh cool and stuck it away. No motivation to do anything. Eh - maybe tomorrow.

Yea.

Well glad that you managed to replace them. Especially dangerous stuff... like tools, if wearing out, i believe its better to replace. Dont kinda create unnecessary injury due to cost savings.

Well, putting it away for one day, because of motivation issues. Well nothing wrong to be honest. (funny... seeing that I can type that out. yet i cant look at myself that way)

Its ok to give it a try again tommorrow. Sometimes all everyone needs is just a temporary break or disengagement.

You're in my thoughts Mike - be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

Thank you again for the countless reminders, twistedsoul. When will i ever remember to.

@mikenai22 Hey Mike - I hope you're feeling alittle better. I hate getting nauseous - it makes it harder to want to eat anything.

I think on some ways it is learned behavior. Maybe when we were younger and we did things - chores or whatever - maybe what we did wrong was pointed out too harshly. Maybe we were taught to focus more on our failures and what we did wrong - instead of what we may have done right.

Sometimes I feel hopeful and think that it just takes time. But how much time - ya know?

I hope it's ok to ask - how have things been going with the job hunt?

Are you still having pain in your legs? And I know your throat was bothering you. Do you still have to take the antacids?

Be gentle with yourself Mike

@mytwistedsoul

Hey Mike - I hope you're feeling alittle better. I hate getting nauseous - it makes it harder to want to eat anything.

Hello. Inversely, its not. Worse off I'm having lots of suicidal thoughts. (Don't worry, I'm in a safe position. As explained previously.)

Not only the difficulty to eat anything. But rather, the anxiety is adding on to the fuel of the disordered eating habits.

I think on some ways it is learned behavior. Maybe when we were younger and we did things - chores or whatever - maybe what we did wrong was pointed out too harshly. Maybe we were taught to focus more on our failures and what we did wrong - instead of what we may have done right.

Yup. Probably some painful/memorable lesson could have kind of rewired the mentality since young such that it became a "norm" now.

Failures - Well, this i probably don't know. I only know things like good behavior and stuffs. Different culture and upbringing. Here when young we used to learn by the cane. Though I can reflect that my parents were probably much lenient as compared to others.

Sometimes I feel hopeful and think that it just takes time. But how much time - ya know?

Everyone says that things just takes time. - Hiaz. Dead tired.

Although in reality, there is also the saying that everyone's time is different. - I hate this comment, yet it is like the cold hard truth. Even worse off, the one that might be OR actually holding me back. Is me. So to be honest... I actually might just be able to turn things around if i just slap myself and change and move on.

I hope it's ok to ask - how have things been going with the job hunt?

Its ok. Just that I got nothing to share. Not going well.

My mum kept saying its ok. My brother kept.. hiaz...

Now the last comment/thought was to stay low and hold back. - which is continously "fucking" my mind. Like something is not right, and i have to fix it.

But the main problem is that I am not willing to try, change, move on. The fear, etc.

If not actually the possiblities are kinda open. - Although I tried a handful, got a few informal interviews. But did not went through successful. I presume probably because they heard about my medical concern.

Are you still having pain in your legs? And I know your throat was bothering you. Do you still have to take the antacids?

Legs yea, still there. Its kind of painful when I sit, stand, even walk. Although walking well, sometimes I kinda drifted off my mind such that I forgot the pain.

Throat - This problem is another untreatble thing. I asked so many doctors with no favorable reply.

Antacids - This has worsen, i increased the use of it. Kinda dependent on it to remove the mouth unusal taste. Worse off gaviscon is very expensive.

Be gentle with yourself Mike

Thanks twistedsoul. However I guess I never will. Otherwise I think I'll put some effort to. At least to try to remember.