Lost

@mikenai22 Sorry to hear that you're exhausted. And can't seem to rest. I know how that is.

Working in the kitchen..cooking? For yourself or just helping with the family meal.

This might sound weird but there are times I wish I could be anything but human. A nice solid steady rock would be nice. Unfeeling, you know? No worries, just sitting around being content with my rock self. I think I've shared more with you than I have anyone else here. Thank you.

Yeah I can get too comfortable with my isolation. Before I started coming to 7cups, I went 2 years without really having human companionship. Wow, sounds hard to believe. I only went out for the mail at the post office, but you can go after hours, so no people. The grocery store, there again, later at night there's no one there.

Doing it for the sake of saying you did it. It makes you feel good helping other's. I don't know if there's anyway to be able to do that and still be doing self care. Which kind of sucks because as you said it makes you feel good. I saw somewhere, that just sitting somewhere and people watching is self care. Even walking around outside with no shoes on. Even going to a museum. Kind of strange I guess.

I know what you mean about repeating yourself. I think that might be some of the draw for me with wanting to isolate. I keep saying the same things. Tired, depressed, and anxious. I tired of hearing myself say it. So other people must be tired of it too. I wonder what it's like to be a well adjusted, well rounded person.

Try to have a good evening, take care.

@mytwistedsoul

Sorry to hear that you're exhausted. And can't seem to rest. I know how that is.

It is ok. I managed to sleep abit, after the sweet potatoes.

Now thinking if it is the fault of the potatoes.

Working in the kitchen..cooking? For yourself or just helping with the family meal.

Kinda, tested/wasted some foods. - Some for self. Some I gave to my mum for her colleagues. - But she brought the whole bag back. =.= felt sad and wasted.

I just wanted to seek some "fulfillment" that it is tested and done. - To just have some answers.

Afternoon set was more for mum only. - Since she requested for it.

This might sound weird but there are times I wish I could be anything but human. A nice solid steady rock would be nice. Unfeeling, you know? No worries, just sitting around being content with my rock self. I think I've shared more with you than I have anyone else here. Thank you.

Well, its those kind of times when we just "wished" or "hoped". Oh well.

Maybe a thing to try is to figure out, how or what you can try or do to add/remove to your current to achieve closer/similar to it. Or maybe it is a environment setting or improvement that you can try also.

Yeah I can get too comfortable with my isolation. Before I started coming to 7cups, I went 2 years without really having human companionship. Wow, sounds hard to believe. I only went out for the mail at the post office, but you can go after hours, so no people. The grocery store, there again, later at night there's no one there.

It is. This is what made us human? - Sense of comfort and security

Now I wish I can imagine your place looks like. - Country side?

I wish I dont put restrictions to timings to locations to myself. - Seemed to be very restrictive to myself and cannot do things after certain periods.

Doing it for the sake of saying you did it. It makes you feel good helping other's. I don't know if there's anyway to be able to do that and still be doing self care. Which kind of sucks because as you said it makes you feel good. I saw somewhere, that just sitting somewhere and people watching is self care. Even walking around outside with no shoes on. Even going to a museum. Kind of strange I guess.

Is it...? I can't tell whether if it feels good or bad to me.

But the only satisfication to me is that I did my "workout" for the day. - i.e. like moved/active/exercised enough to feed myself. - Bit kind of a eating disordered mindset of compensation. Although I can think of it another way...

But at least is like i did something than compared to sitting around in front of the computer.

But one more thing though is that, I duno why i can cook for others. But I cant cook for myself. In a sense that I can prepare more "filling" nutritious kind for everyone but I wont spend the energy for self.

I know what you mean about repeating yourself. I think that might be some of the draw for me with wanting to isolate. I keep saying the same things. Tired, depressed, and anxious. I tired of hearing myself say it. So other people must be tired of it too. I wonder what it's like to be a well adjusted, well rounded person.

It does affect one self. and also the "loved" ones that surrounds each of us.

I'm not in a way "tired" of repeating. But I am "tired" - In sense of exhaustion of the same problems day to day.

For the last statement. You know sometimes people suggested to me is - Just don't think. Just try to go around day to day, flowing with nature and being present. - Good enough already.

Try to have a good evening, take care.

Sure. You too.

Just duno why I am feeling guilty for "eating" too much today.

@mikenai22 Hey How are you?

Just kind of wanted to touch base with you. See how you're doing.

I'm sorry you spent all that time and effort on something only to have it returned like that. That's good, hanging with her? Seems like a very nice thing to do.

Isolation...I have been having some serious issues with this. I just want to keep to myself. It's not healthy, it's not right. But it's what feels comfortable. Trust is being coming a big big problem. And because of not feeling like I can trust anyone, well there's the isolation. I'm just trying to process some things, things I don't understand. Yet, that's the key word. I'll get there eventually.

Think mountains, not big mountains just right. Tree's everywhere. Whispering pines, that sound so neat when the wind blows through them. Birds everywhere, squirrels, deer. Saw som turkeys the other day. And the hummingbirds are back. https://imgur.com/user/mytwistedsoul

just some pictures of things around the place and stuff I waste my time on. Welcome to my world.

Idk, if you can cook for others , do you feel a sense of happiness, contentment? If you do that's a good thing, isn't it? Maybe you don't feel that you're worth the time? Self worth I guess. I know the feeling.

Being present has been another issue. And just don't think...lol how can someone not think. Then I overthink it and then think of it in different ways. There's no not thinking.

I'm sorry you feel guilty that you ate too much. I hope you don't now anymore.

Thanks for the links...I've never heard of Suzuki coffee. It's gotta be way better than instant.

How did the oils work for you?

Take care, yeah? Be gentle with yourself.

Just wanted to let you know.. trying to processes some things. Things found. not sure what to think. need some time.

@mytwistedsoul

Just wanted to let you know.. trying to processes some things. Things found. not sure what to think. need some time.

Go ahead twisted soul. Take all the time you need.

Take care~~ and be cautious in anything you do if it is dangerous or needs focused attention.

Take time off to breathe if you need to.

@mytwistedsoul

Thought I share.. the rubbishes... stuff that i randomly did.

https://mikenai.wordpress.com/2019/04/25/141-coffee-super/

https://mikenai.wordpress.com/2019/04/25/140-random-things-ive-tried-to-answer-my-clouded-mind/

@mytwistedsoul

Hey How are you?

Just kind of wanted to touch base with you. See how you're doing.

Hi, twistedsoul, i hope you are doing better after yesterday. - Hope i am not triggering anything

I been fighting some thoughts in my head.

But my father came home, which i kinda lost my peacetime at home. Hiaz. Sad. Cant stop thinking about leaving.

I totally regretted not effectively spending my time at home when there was nobody...

Now he's back. and the usual disturbances. Couldn't sleep.

On another topic, Kinda sad, i dont really like about this. Not very happy. Although i kinda craved for it.

Maybe it is time to give the stomach a break.

https://mikenai.wordpress.com/2019/04/26/143-i-was-craving-but-something-felt-wrong-brown-rice-carrot/

I'm sorry you spent all that time and effort on something only to have it returned like that. That's good, hanging with her? Seems like a very nice thing to do.

Its ok. I kinda forget once in a while that they (including father) dont really appreciate it. - At least on the food I made/consume.

My brother who had an opportunity to try my cooking once, at least finished, came over said thanks. and shared some thoughts of his.

Nah, forget about parents. It is time to care for myself. Somehow I have to find some ways to get out of this place. - I wished i could let go and just accept them. But no matter how hard i tried, it is not possible.

Isolation...I have been having some serious issues with this. I just want to keep to myself. It's not healthy, it's not right. But it's what feels comfortable. Trust is being coming a big big problem. And because of not feeling like I can trust anyone, well there's the isolation. I'm just trying to process some things, things I don't understand. Yet, that's the key word. I'll get there eventually.

Hehe. It is not healthy. - to a certain extent.

Great to hear that you are aware and yes it does feels comfortable. But most importantly, is that there is no right or wrong. And maybe it is up to you on how you want to perceive it. Maybe don't fully isolate yourself. Maybe give yourself an opportunity to "air" out by socialising a short while. But when you need the "isolation" or "getaway". Don't restrict yourself of the needs.

Hmm, well if you need the isolation/peace to process stuffs, or personal time to do things. I don't even see anything wrong with it.

Think mountains, not big mountains just right. Tree's everywhere. Whispering pines, that sound so neat when the wind blows through them. Birds everywhere, squirrels, deer. Saw som turkeys the other day. And the hummingbirds are back. https://imgur.com/user/mytwistedsoul

just some pictures of things around the place and stuff I waste my time on. Welcome to my world.

Wow. Sounds like you have access to great nature place.

Sorry, the url linked to a empty profile page.

By the way, the word "waste" may be something you felt. But actually, it is in a way some kind of self-care, probably because it is what you wanna do.

Perhaps you may not have felt it is helping or what. But actually, it is in a way.

Idk, if you can cook for others , do you feel a sense of happiness, contentment? If you do that's a good thing, isn't it? Maybe you don't feel that you're worth the time? Self worth I guess. I know the feeling.

Not really happiness. More like a "good job", you made them satisfied/happy, they worked so hard and tired. Just help them out abit. Sometimes felt like a sense of "completion", and that I have helped them. Sometimes or most of the times, i kept feeling like i need a workout, or a time dragger so i can truly focus on food later. I duno why i kept having the thoughts of such that has to be related to food, timings, need to workout for food, etc. very very bad fuel for ED thoughts.

Sadly and Yes, I felt like time is wasted. And worse off that when my stuffs are not appreciated but rather critised of. If it is a genuine mistake i can understand. Anyways, i also slowly learned that I cannot satisfy everyone's tastes. Some prefer this, some prefer that. So yea.

Being present has been another issue. And just don't think...lol how can someone not think. Then I overthink it and then think of it in different ways. There's no not thinking.

It is. not possible. Those talk videos said, if you are not thinking -> you are probably dead. =.=||

Well yea, the brain is probably confused and "multi-tasking" in its way.

Often I been recommended to learn/try to notice the excessive thoughts, watch them, but dont feed/process them. Breathe in/Breathe out, slowly pick and work on one at a time if it requires your attention. - Most importantly is also something that can be addressed. Not those that cannot be fixed which results in rumination.

I'm sorry you feel guilty that you ate too much. I hope you don't now anymore.

It is ok... I dont know the linkages of it, but some said things like

- eat too much, because the body felt it is not taking in enough calories

- eat too much, because extreme hunger (ED)

- eat too much, because over exercise/workout/day activities

- eat too much, because of insufficient rest/spent too much time awake

Thanks for the links...I've never heard of Suzuki coffee. It's gotta be way better than instant.

Bean/Ground coffee is definitely better. Even better if you have proper machines to extract the flavour.

Just that I dont have the tools, and it certainly costs which is a heavy investment.

In my lifestyle, and "work" (if i dont get fired), it is difficult to prepare them.

Hence instant soluble types are generally better, easier to store/pack/manage.

- sad fact of life

- otherwise just buy from coffee shops which uses ground coffee. however those are usually buttered and some even "sugarised"

How did the oils work for you?

I'm abit puzzled and lost with it.

Somehow both smell'ed the same. Not sure if i am using it wrongly.

Maybe need those machines or burn through a candle.

I find and learn that I cannot tolerate them for long. As in if the smell keeps coming in to my system.

So in a way... maybe it is also good that i did not invest in those diffuser units. Although it seems to be a beter option as it regulates the smell properly at intervals.

Take care, yeah? Be gentle with yourself.

Hiaz... With my father. I doubt i can think of anything straight.

With no one around at home, i felt at ease. Made food as/when i wanted, walked freely at home, dont have to shut doors, etc...

@mikenai22

maybe try this one https://imgur.com/a/fpxWNNG

@mytwistedsoul

woa... thank you for sharing twisted soul.

looks like some serious wood work. I bet you have great experience with them.

haha, the animals, guess the opportunity for wild life exploration is never ending.

@mikenai22 Thanks. I like doing it but as I said it gives me conflicting thoughts and I'm trying to ignore the bad thoughts about it, but I'm not always successful.

The animals are pretty awesome. There's a mated pair of red tail hawks that show up. They are so cool.

@mikenai22

No you're not triggering anything. I'm just..I find things here at the grandparents house and put bluntly... I thought I could trust them, but I guess I shouldn't have. They knew more then they let on about things. I just don't understand. I guess.

Care to share the thoughts your fighting?

maybe it was because it was dense. Like a heavy meal.

You're right, and I know this is a place to talk with people about things, but sometimes I just can't bring my attitude in here, so I guess it is just isolating. Kind of, if you can't say something nice, don't say anything.

Sorry for the first bad link. Glad I got it right the second time. You're right, in a way it is self care. I do enjoy it, but have been told so many times that its a waste of time. But I kind of can get lost in the wood. Maybe that doesn't make sense.

It's hard to put that time and effort into something and have people criticize your work. I mean it's ok if it's constuctive, but tone says alot.

I'll have to try that. I multitask in too many ways with too many things. It just results in nothing getting done or not done properly.

Yeah some coffee machines are just crazy with prices. I mean good coffee is good, but lets get real here. I shouldn't have to finance something just to have good coffee.

I think most of the oils need to be heated up. In a simmering pot or something.. or yeah the diffusers. I heard somewhere about people whping a little on light bulbs. But idk, be careful with that.

I hope you have a good weekend and can maybe find sometime to have the house to yourself. It must have been hard to feel at ease being alone and then have someone invade it.

Be gentle with yourself, Take care.

@mytwistedsoul

Reply to sub post

Thanks. I like doing it but as I said it gives me conflicting thoughts and I'm trying to ignore the bad thoughts about it, but I'm not always successful.

I see what is going on. Its like the mind that is constantly battling and trying to seek rationalising/justification. - something like that?

Great to hear that you are trying, and most importantly is that you are aware.

The animals are pretty awesome. There's a mated pair of red tail hawks that show up. They are so cool.

woa. hawks. do be careful. =.=?

i believe hawks are kinda more on a ferocious side?

Reply to main post

No you're not triggering anything. I'm just..I find things here at the grandparents house and put bluntly... I thought I could trust them, but I guess I shouldn't have. They knew more then they let on about things. I just don't understand. I guess.

Okays.

Its ok. Its almost like me who don't trust or lost faith about parents. - Same story.

Its like we dont understand each other. Yet think we need/have to understand each other for things to be correct. However we must understand that we should give each other a break sometimes. And life is full of experiences, mis-understandings, and mis-perfections.

Care to share the thoughts your fighting?

https://mikenai.wordpress.com/2019/04/27/144-i-thought-i-kneaded-it-correctly-this-time-fail/

https://mikenai.wordpress.com/2019/04/27/145-tried-re-arranging-desk-again/

Its something weird. I don't know if it is a bad habit that developed over time - since i got this mentality

I often find myself that the need to get everything done "correctly" so that I can be "happy" or "contented" or "in order"

I keep writing down my thoughts like i have to do this, i want to do this, i should be doing this. Yet i find myself at times, lethargic, not wanting to do, procrastinate, waiting for the perfect moment to do it.

to share a few samples (i.e. link above and some below)

- Selling/Giving away Logitech G27

- Volunteer as cook/bake to find self?

- Find a place to be alone

- Play a game?

- Watch cartoon?

- Buy computer, air humidifier, food processor, bluetooth adapter, in-ear replacement, nintendo switch???

- find job that I want/can do?

Its like some of them are "to-dos" but i dont want to do. Some is like "questions" or seeking a "why" or exploration of stuffs that i saw online or youtube i.e. no-bake stuffs, vegan stuffs, food, bread making, etc.

despite having those painful digestion, yet i still do it... i.e. bread.

maybe it was because it was dense. Like a heavy meal.

Yea. perhaps. But if i dont dense it, it is not chewy.

then it feels "wrong" and difficult to cook also if too watery.

plus people said that too watery, too easy to digest, very quickly will get hungry again.

You're right, and I know this is a place to talk with people about things, but sometimes I just can't bring my attitude in here, so I guess it is just isolating. Kind of, if you can't say something nice, don't say anything.

It is ok, its like a open world. Do what feels comfortable for you.

It is not mandatory to be "good" or "bad" or "correct" or "wrong. Plus... it is the internet. Anything goes. - Something i often forget. and usually i tend to let my emotions take over control.

Sorry for the first bad link. Glad I got it right the second time. You're right, in a way it is self care. I do enjoy it, but have been told so many times that its a waste of time. But I kind of can get lost in the wood. Maybe that doesn't make sense.

Its ok. Everyone has their own opinion and thoughts. Each are entitled to their own say. You can receieve them, but not necessary have to accept or agree with them. Only you yourself know what is true, meaningful, care or want for yourself. They dont dictate/answer to your life, lifestyle, happiness, etc.

It's hard to put that time and effort into something and have people criticize your work. I mean it's ok if it's constuctive, but tone says alot.

Yea. It does.

I'll have to try that. I multitask in too many ways with too many things. It just results in nothing getting done or not done properly.

Yup... we often get "lost" or "engrossed" in stuffs that sometimes we may not even want to do.

(i.e. like me wanting to just see "updates" and constantly refresh things like email, reddit, 7cups, etc.)

when i could/should/want to be doing things like, settling unsettled stuffs, or preparing food, etc. or things you truly should/want to do

Yeah some coffee machines are just crazy with prices. I mean good coffee is good, but lets get real here. I shouldn't have to finance something just to have good coffee.

i guess everyone has different expectations on this. i just find it difficult to justify.

but yet i have so many issues and pains with it.

- dont want to spend excessively

- want to drink for happiness

- becoming like obessive, abusive, lost of happiness

- drink for the sake of drinking, like a checkbox task

- cannot drink at certain timing

- have to be quick, easy to prepare, cleanup, cheap, etc.

I think most of the oils need to be heated up. In a simmering pot or something.. or yeah the diffusers. I heard somewhere about people whping a little on light bulbs. But idk, be careful with that.

hmm okays. luckly i only bought a small little bottle to test things out. not gona spend a fortune on it.

plus i feel i am sensitive to smells. especially when i am dealing with the "stupid" smoke at home already.

I hope you have a good weekend and can maybe find sometime to have the house to yourself. It must have been hard to feel at ease being alone and then have someone invade it.

Thanks for the well wishes.

But no more chance already. - at least for a few months. and i dont even know what will happen to me, my life and lifestyle, and work.

Be gentle with yourself, Take care.

Thanks again twisted soul, you too do take care.

@mikenai22 Hey how are you?

I think I may have my head on straight today.

This might sound weird... but in a way I think it's just the way the generations are. It's possible that your parents felt the same about their parents. It seems that each generation wants something different. They got married sooner, have kids sooner. But yeah you do need to give each other space.

Ok another thing that might sound weird... and don't feel you have to answer it, but do you have OCD? That could be why things have to be a certain way or it's uncomfortable.

Volunteering to cook or bake - that sounds kind of fun. It could actually lead to a new job path. If it's something you like to do.

Yeah anything goes, but I try to a least be kind. Not really good or bad, right or wrong, just kind. Because there are things that once it's out, you can't take it back.

I had someone else say something similar to me earlier this weekend. That we are our worst judges. That we have to cultivate understanding of ourselves in order to be better judges of our truth. That once we're confident in our truth anything anyone else says will be measured against it. I don't know..it makes sense but I'm not sure how to do it.

To be honest there's a 20 dollar coffee maker in the kitchen. Nothing fancy. I just need the coffee. No latte's, nothing steamed. Just plain coffee.

I'm guessing your dad travels? At least every once in a while? I'm also guessing your relationship with him isn't the best?

take care, be gentle with yourself.

@mytwistedsoul

Hey how are you?

Abit unsure... but today well. learnt stupid stuffs again, which i posted in the blog.

Probably the last of "things" i gona bake as snack... - waste of time

Plus it only furiates my throat.

I think I may have my head on straight today.

Ah, ok. Happy to hear that you are better.

This might sound weird... but in a way I think it's just the way the generations are. It's possible that your parents felt the same about their parents. It seems that each generation wants something different. They got married sooner, have kids sooner. But yeah you do need to give each other space.

i understand where you are coming from. generation gap i suppose. But something else was that I noticed that my mentality or mindset perhaps could have changed. Otherwise it would not have led to what it is today/now.

Ok another thing that might sound weird... and don't feel you have to answer it, but do you have OCD? That could be why things have to be a certain way or it's uncomfortable.

Kinda-ish. But not of a extremist kind.

Last time i used to have a very bad habit/behaviour - Checking of power switch if it has been turned off. And i have to recheck again, and double-check. - Luckily i weaned off somehow.

Volunteering to cook or bake - that sounds kind of fun. It could actually lead to a new job path. If it's something you like to do.

I feel that anything related to food, is just gona fuel my disorder habits though.

its like a safety net kind of thing.

which does not feel good actually.

Yeah anything goes, but I try to a least be kind. Not really good or bad, right or wrong, just kind. Because there are things that once it's out, you can't take it back.

It is. That is the sad fact. That's why the recommendation to always think before you "blurt" or say out.

But sometimes because of instincts or accidental emotions that got taken over, an unintentional message can be sent which may result in a distrastrous move. - But like said. its accidental. so yea, it does happen. Sometimes just have to work with it.

I had someone else say something similar to me earlier this weekend. That we are our worst judges. That we have to cultivate understanding of ourselves in order to be better judges of our truth. That once we're confident in our truth anything anyone else says will be measured against it. I don't know..it makes sense but I'm not sure how to do it.

I would say, it does take practise, self-reminders, and will definitely take time. It is something good to learn to improve one-self. This is kind of a important skill and will also help lift/bring up your mentality, strength and confidence.

Because you will learn what your traits, weakness-es and be able to use them to your advantage at different situations.

To be honest there's a 20 dollar coffee maker in the kitchen. Nothing fancy. I just need the coffee. No latte's, nothing steamed. Just plain coffee.

Yea... I can understand.

After this pack, i'm going back to instant freeze-dried grandules.

I'll venture this route in another time. - At least when i am better.

I'm guessing your dad travels? At least every once in a while? I'm also guessing your relationship with him isn't the best?

take care, be gentle with yourself.

No. not really. More like once in a blue moon.

Nah, relation with him has never been great since young.

Thanks twisted soul.

@mikenai22 Cool, you got a haircut? It's not stupid to want to wash afterwards. The itchyness drives me nuts too.

Well as we grow our priorities are going to be different from the older generations. We start out kind of thinking the same as them but as we get older our opinions change. I think it's normal. It's how we learn and grow to mold the next generation. They'll probably do the same thing.

I'm glad you got away from the light switch thing.

Didn't think about that. It was just a thought. Is there some place that you could volunteer time, something that might interest you? Maybe working with the elderly? Or at a library, reading to kids? I prefer old people to kids. Old people know really awesome stories from way back. It's always nice to learn from them. Kids just make me nervous.

Yeah...I don't always think before I blurt out. Sometimes but not always, until afterwards and then I feel bad. I always apologize but if I would have thought first I wouldn't have to say I'm sorry.

I'm sorry to hear that your relationship with him isn't so good. I imagine it makes it even harder to feel at ease at home.

I just spent 5 hours running the weedwacker around, trying to keep the weeds from getting too tall. The short everything is the less likely chance of running into things I don't want to.

@mytwistedsoul

Cool, you got a haircut? It's not stupid to want to wash afterwards. The itchyness drives me nuts too.

Surprised. How you'd know?

Wash afterwords? - yea, I have this mantra since young. where i have to plan my haircuts in a manner where it has to be the last activity of the day - so that i can go home immediately. for the sake of bathing to wash the bits away.

Still puzzled and about your comment on "washing immediately"

oH? must be the post about me acting on intuition? and not based on rules?

- haha this was the first and probably first time ever in my life experience

- plus, i washed my hair in the toilet - not gona explain how i did - it certainly was not a humane method of washing at public area, in office somemore, also the drying process was... another new thing

Well as we grow our priorities are going to be different from the older generations. We start out kind of thinking the same as them but as we get older our opinions change. I think it's normal. It's how we learn and grow to mold the next generation. They'll probably do the same thing.

I'd always thought, I favour routines, I despise changes, I like things in order, in place, ready when i need to.

What I did not notice was the mind was constantly thinking different things. And sometimes when i break my limits and started to "let go".

- it was only when i noticed that my perception and stuffs started changing

- sometimes the feeling of "letting go" actually indeed felt good

- although it is difficult to "let go"

Perhaps you are right... to be honest, i think i have alot to learn/explore/experience about life that I am not letting myself to.

I dont really know why i like to restrict myself to the "fixed" mentality and/or routines. - something made me felt secure and easier to live with.

I'm glad you got away from the light switch thing.

yea. oh, talking about that, same for water taps.

Didn't think about that. It was just a thought. Is there some place that you could volunteer time, something that might interest you? Maybe working with the elderly? Or at a library, reading to kids? I prefer old people to kids. Old people know really awesome stories from way back. It's always nice to learn from them. Kids just make me nervous.

woot. that many parts, haha, allow me to split them.

1. regarding place, i am not sure where to start. where to search. neither nor about the "something" that interest me. as of now, something is instilled and stuck in my mind. - food. i need to figure out what to prepare for later. when i am done, i will start to worry again about the following next meal.

the attention and focus is so strong on that area that i dont have time nor unable to focus or think clearly on anything else.

there is this constant battle within the mind thinking/justifying/etc.

2. Elderly, Not about the respect portion. without them, there is no today for us. But rather the fear and worry about how to manage and respond to them. When you see them dealing with difficulties, it is very sad to see, and I dont really know how to help them. - Assist them to walk, move, etc. Even talking is difficult. - Sometimes i wished i can just hide behind and help them indirectly. i.e. fix something, make something, etc. kind of contribution, much easier to handle

3. Library? Hmm not sure about the contribution options. oh well, kids somehow used to attach/stick to me for unknown reasons. Last time on trains, kids/young children like to laugh/smile or even grab/tug/hug my pants. Now, they dont - which i am ok too. But something about me changed. I dont like children and started despising them now. Could be due to fear of managing, could be stressed about their noises/cries/nagging/etc.

4. Indeed, nothing beats experiences and understanding and feeling for them. However it does not also mean that we should avoid experiencing the unknown ourselves (Surprised at myself being able to comment on this, yet fearing the unknown...)

Yeah...I don't always think before I blurt out. Sometimes but not always, until afterwards and then I feel bad. I always apologize but if I would have thought first I wouldn't have to say I'm sorry.

Neither do I. Emotions always superceded me.

Its ok about the apologising, because it showed that you've thought through and regretted your actions hence the apology. However "overusing" sorry as a means/blank check may also show some form of "weakness" to others. - Perhaps just like mindfulness to try to learn to notice the mind/action that you might wanna take. One small step at a time.

I'm sorry to hear that your relationship with him isn't so good. I imagine it makes it even harder to feel at ease at home.

its ok. It is.

Major problem i have is the problem of letting go.

I hold grudges very tightly.

I just spent 5 hours running the weedwacker around, trying to keep the weeds from getting too tall. The short everything is the less likely chance of running into things I don't want to.

great work twistedsoul. well, good to hear that you have taken measures and placed efforts to care for yourself.

keep it up~

@mikenai22 You mentioned something about your blog, so I popped into see it. Saw that you said you had a haircut. Alot of times they want to wash your hair before, but I always thought they should offer to wash it afterwards. Because it doesn't matter how well they brush you off, that hair gets everywhere.

I have routines and schedules too. Theres always alot the needs done around here and it's easier to manage if I keep track. Change makes me nervous. But sometimes certain things change so slowly that you don't even notice it. Routine is safe, you know what to expect, you're prepared for it. Unexpected things catch us off guard, there are no preparations ready and so much can go wrong. Yeah theres alot of security.

It's words for me..certain words get stuck in my head and repeat over and over again.

hhmmm.. we'll have to give this some thought. What about are there animal rescues there? That you could walk dogs or something?

Yeah I'm always apologizing. For everything, for nothing.

It's hard to let go of grudges. The problem with it though is that theres another section of time lost on holding that grudge. Is t something that could be healed or maybe just eased alittle? I mean it's not my business, just wondering.

Thanks take care, Be gentle with yourself

@mytwistedsoul

You mentioned something about your blog, so I popped into see it. Saw that you said you had a haircut. Alot of times they want to wash your hair before, but I always thought they should offer to wash it afterwards. Because it doesn't matter how well they brush you off, that hair gets everywhere.

Observant. I'm impressed.

Nope, cheap/budget/express places dont offer these services. Only "vaccum" suction and dust off only.

For wash, i presume its salon kinda-ish.

I have routines and schedules too. Theres always alot the needs done around here and it's easier to manage if I keep track. Change makes me nervous. But sometimes certain things change so slowly that you don't even notice it. Routine is safe, you know what to expect, you're prepared for it. Unexpected things catch us off guard, there are no preparations ready and so much can go wrong. Yeah theres alot of security.

I find this very very true. Its like the little things, that we don't notice. But suddenly was changed and we already "used" or "accustomed" to it without knowing. - Actually this is good, because it kinda shows that you are living/adapting to the present.

The only issue is that I don't notice it and kept telling myself things are never changed, never improve.

About "off guard", i find myself in a situation that spikes heart rate and also anxiety driving. A few real occurances and also some nightmares always gives me such issues.

It's words for me..certain words get stuck in my head and repeat over and over again.

Yea, dont really like it man.

hhmmm.. we'll have to give this some thought. What about are there animal rescues there? That you could walk dogs or something?

hmm.. not too sure about it. me kinda favour pets when they are "nice", but no when they keep barking.

Yeah I'm always apologizing. For everything, for nothing.

Maybe slowly start trying/incorporating more thoughts to it? Then see if can ease off. Its like the first part where you talked about habits unknowingly changed over time without knowing it.

It's hard to let go of grudges. The problem with it though is that theres another section of time lost on holding that grudge. Is t something that could be healed or maybe just eased alittle? I mean it's not my business, just wondering.

Yea, that is the problem. The stupid time lost. I think i shared before about something i read.

Holding on to grudge is allowing a "person" to live in your brain/mind rent-free.

I dont really know the "how" to ease or let go of. - I mean as in a truly set it free kind. Not the "hey you, just forget about it" kind of thing.

Thanks take care, Be gentle with yourself

Sure. Will do. Rest well twistedsoul.

@mikenai22 I hate anxiety. That crap just pops up whenever it wants to. You can be having a good day and then there it is. Pounding heart, shaky hands. Can't breath. I really hate anxiety. It usually hits me hardest at night. Nightmares suck too. Pretty much anything that disturbs sleep. Sleep is supposed to be good, recharging, ya know? But often it's not.

Good point... animals at the rescues are usually loud and not trained very well.

I keep trying to not do it so much, and everyone's always saying, you don't need to apologize or stop apologizing. It's hard. Basically I figure if something is screwed up - somehow it was my fault. Which is kind of funny because I just don't hold that kind of power.

I'm not sure how you can deal with grudges. Because it seems like when it does start to ease, something happens to reinforce it. The people do something else to either anger you or hurt you in some way.

Sorry to bring up a sore subject, but I was wondering how things are going with work. Have you given any thought on a therapist? Like I said I was just wondering.

Take care - Be gentle with yourself

@mytwistedsoul

I hate anxiety. That crap just pops up whenever it wants to. You can be having a good day and then there it is. Pounding heart, shaky hands. Can't breath. I really hate anxiety. It usually hits me hardest at night. Nightmares suck too. Pretty much anything that disturbs sleep. Sleep is supposed to be good, recharging, ya know? But often it's not.

Yup, just had a minor rush a few moments ago.

oh my... night time, must be bad. Will be challenging for you to rest.

I hate sleeping. I never really had a good sleep for quite some time already.

Good point... animals at the rescues are usually loud and not trained very well.

=.= oh my.

But that is just me. Too much restriction and choices. We should not be choosy.

I keep trying to not do it so much, and everyone's always saying, you don't need to apologize or stop apologizing. It's hard. Basically I figure if something is screwed up - somehow it was my fault. Which is kind of funny because I just don't hold that kind of power.

Well. Its good that you are aware. Next is to not beat yourself up just because you "failed" to suppress or whatever. But rather to know that it takes time/forever and that being able to catch it and take the necessary action is even better. But remember it is not "mandatory" - Its a life long thing and takes practice.

I'm not sure how you can deal with grudges. Because it seems like when it does start to ease, something happens to reinforce it. The people do something else to either anger you or hurt you in some way.

oh well. its a mindset mentality that is trained to think/behave this way. Just what i mentioned earlier post. Same thoughts can be applied to "training" to not hold grudges.

Sorry to bring up a sore subject, but I was wondering how things are going with work. Have you given any thought on a therapist? Like I said I was just wondering.

Work - Long Term MC. Currently stuck at home, in this "jail"

Therapist - Already arranged with another one. But not able to find this "schema" therapist. My psychologist mentioned that it is not necessary to look for a "schema" therapist. It is just another forum of treatment. Thats all. What is more important is to find a suitable therapist/counsellor/psychologist who has the same frequency with me and can discuss and talk things out. second is to always maintain my thoughts and focus on being present.

Take care - Be gentle with yourself

Yup, will take note. Thanks again twistedsoul

@mikenai22 Us talking back and forth isn't triggering your anxiety is it? I know you had said before that the internet was causing you some anxiety.

I hate sleeping, sleep causes some serious issues here. It was ok for a little bit but then it spiked again. So we prowl the house and pace, go for walks, which is stupid in the dark, it tires the dogs out, haha.

I think we should be a little choosy, because if not then we're just settling. If we settle then why want for more or better? What about a bookstore? I always thought working in a bookstore would be fun, one with older books. Idk, there's just something about books.

With the grudges...do you ever speak your mind about what is making you angry or upset? Or do you just let whatever go and hold it inside? The therapist says not to hold on to all the anger. I mean don't freak out on people but if someone makes you angry you're allowed to say your angry. If not it just festers and keeps piling up. Although that's a scary thing too..telling people you're angry or upset. Because then I have a hard time explaining why.

Oh damn...I'm sorry you're stuck at home. I know it can feel like a jail. But you are free to go for a walk or something right? Go for a walk, take pictures of cool things or interesting things. That's how I got started with taking pictures of things here and the wood work, someone here suggested it. It's kind of fun. Give's other people a peek into my world.

It's hard finding a therapist that you can be open with. The guy I have now is pretty good, I still have trouble with trust with him but that's with anyone. It just takes time to learn to trust that he's safe. Guess that sounds sad.

Staying present is hard too. I hope this therapist helps for you.

Lol! Do you realize we done 3 pages now? I hope this doesn't sound weird but you're my distraction for the moment. Talking with you takes my thoughts and focus off other issues of mine. Thank you!

@mytwistedsoul

Today's exercise suck. I wonder is it due to dread, rinse and repeat or what.

And it was very very weak. - Lack of rest?

But something is very weird.

I dont know why, the "after" exercise feeling is great. - some sort of happiness that "YAY" the workout is completed. - Go have your rest/coffee/fun/etc. kind of thing.

I hope it is not due to ED obessive behaviour.

Us talking back and forth isn't triggering your anxiety is it? I know you had said before that the internet was causing you some anxiety.

well, it depends. somehow keyboard is easier for me.

the only problem with computers is how i am using it now. the information that i am reading.

sometimes i "obessively" read and read until it fuels/confuses my mind so much. - which then really triggers worry/fear/anxiety/rumination

I hate sleeping, sleep causes some serious issues here. It was ok for a little bit but then it spiked again. So we prowl the house and pace, go for walks, which is stupid in the dark, it tires the dogs out, haha.

Poor doggie...

But I read about stuffs that lack of sleep is bad for health also.

I think we should be a little choosy, because if not then we're just settling. If we settle then why want for more or better? What about a bookstore? I always thought working in a bookstore would be fun, one with older books. Idk, there's just something about books.

there is nothing wrong with being "choosy" - it is just me at my current state now, which is very unstable. and having issues with decision making. Just sharing, i am even having issues making decisions as simple as food.

we always want more and more and more. we must have this to be good/great/etc. follow the latest trend what not. - anyways it is good to have a "goal" or "aim" to help oneself to strive towards. just that my state now is probably not recommended

Books - always thought i am a person who is "technically" inclined, good with studies and what not. after time, ever since graduate. I slowly learnt about myself, during work. that "studying", "reading", "books". - dont seem to bode me very well.

With the grudges...do you ever speak your mind about what is making you angry or upset? Or do you just let whatever go and hold it inside? The therapist says not to hold on to all the anger. I mean don't freak out on people but if someone makes you angry you're allowed to say your angry. If not it just festers and keeps piling up. Although that's a scary thing too..telling people you're angry or upset. Because then I have a hard time explaining why.

When my limit breaks. I do speak/blurt out. But usually i do it behind the person's back. Only when the person really truly hurt'ed me, i will blurt in front of them. - this is where my emotions take over.

I used (before Q3/4 2017) to be a super sponge soaker - Everything is kept in my mind/heart. I never spoke loudly, clearly of my true thoughts to anyone directly. Always indirectly or hiding.

Yourself and Therapist is not wrong to say that. It is not healthy to keep filling a bottle that is overflowing.

Oh damn...I'm sorry you're stuck at home. I know it can feel like a jail. But you are free to go for a walk or something right? Go for a walk, take pictures of cool things or interesting things. That's how I got started with taking pictures of things here and the wood work, someone here suggested it. It's kind of fun. Give's other people a peek into my world.

1. it is a trap that i instill to myself. call it stubborn or whatever

2. yes i have my own freewill. but (there is always a but)

- my energy level sucks, after morning hours, when my father comes home

- i have to prepare food...

- i dont know where to go

- i always thought i should spend my time in front of the computer most of the time... - yet now i am not spending it well

- guess it is all execues

3. pictures, well my managers suggested to me before. - it was kinda pushy, such that until a very nice colleague of mine lent me his "professional" gear. - well. I can only say i learnt abit of stuff.

https://www.flickr.com/photos/149815125@N05/albums/with/72157679323242995

well, i think it is up to individuals on how they like to "share" their moments with. Some like for self-records, self-memories, while some like to share for knowledge, other reasons, etc.

It's hard finding a therapist that you can be open with. The guy I have now is pretty good, I still have trouble with trust with him but that's with anyone. It just takes time to learn to trust that he's safe. Guess that sounds sad.

I believe it has to be both ways. If it is one way, i think it is pointless? - Like what i am facing now.

But also perhaps could be me, being resistant. so yea.

And yes, trust takes time to develop. - Its like raising a kid?

Staying present is hard too. I hope this therapist helps for you.

This therapist i been seeing way back, just that i stopped for about 5 months.

Now i am thinking if i should continue or go for the new one.

Although of all seriousness i dont really want to spend my money this way.

I was even cocnsidering if i should... go for 7cups' therapist.

Lol! Do you realize we done 3 pages now? I hope this doesn't sound weird but you're my distraction for the moment. Talking with you takes my thoughts and focus off other issues of mine. Thank you!

Now that you mention.

Is it good or bad.

Well, i just feel like its good to have someone to sound off to. - Although I truly hope that it is not one sided benefit.

Haha, no problem at all, i'm glad it benefited you in a way you are ok with.

For me, i take it more like a accountability, where i have to "report" in daily. - This mentality has to change. otherwise it will only detoriate. into another disorder habit.

Take care twistedsoul, as always thanks for the constant reminders to be gentle.

@mikenai22 Sorry to hear that your exercise sucked. It's possible it's from not resting properly. I know I have days when I just feel so tired, drained and I think - I just can't do it, but I do anyway. Has that pain gone away or gotten better? I've been trying to learn more on ED's just to gain a better understanding on what you're going through. I hope you don't mind.

Well if you ever need to take a break, feel free. I know I do it to you all the time.

Oh yeah, lack of sleep it really bad for your health. It actually makes anxiety worse. They say you should get 7-9 hours of sleep a night. There is no way I can do that. I did get some last night which is probably why I feel a little calmer right now.

Sorry I don't mean to keep throwing idea's out at you. Hopefully this new therapist you're supposed to see will help you calm your thoughts when it comes to making decisions.

I did the same thing, well, I still do. It's funny really, people hurt me but I'm afraid to talk back because I'm worried about hurting them. So we're working on that. But it's hard.

Well home sort of is a safe place, except well with family being there, making you uncomfortable. Wow thanks for sharing those pictures. It's looks like a very busy place with all the tall buildings. A little intimidating for a woodsy person like me. I love the plants though, truely amazing.

Sounds like some of it is resistance, because you feel they really aren't listening to you or they weren't before. It's hard to be open minded about it because we've all ready formed our own opinions about things.

I thought about it, the 7cups therapist, but to be honest I'm not sure I trust it. I need face to face and mine is a sort of specialist with what I'm dealing with. But it might be something to think about for you, give it a try type thing and see what happens.

I think it's a good thing. KInd of takes us out of our thoughts and brings us into the present. Like a sounding board. Get somethings off our chest. But don't ever feel that you have to reply right away or at all. I mean it's nice talking with you every day but if you need or want a break, I understand. Don't feed another bad habit.

Have a good day/evening Mike, take care, try to be gentle.

@mytwistedsoul

Sorry to hear that your exercise sucked. It's possible it's from not resting properly. I know I have days when I just feel so tired, drained and I think - I just can't do it, but I do anyway. Has that pain gone away or gotten better? I've been trying to learn more on ED's just to gain a better understanding on what you're going through. I hope you don't mind.

Nah it is ok. Cant blame anyone but myself.

Yup the days, or in fact the "drained" feeling is always on.

It just seem like i am denying it. Or felt obligated that i need to meet requirements. So just do it for the "sake of it"

Thanks for checking back, yes, unknowingly the pain subsidied. Left the irrirating sore throat that comes and goes.

Wow, that is very open minded of you and nice to hear that you are willing to learn to better understand others. Kudos~

Well if you ever need to take a break, feel free. I know I do it to you all the time.

One part of me, wants to break this "habit" of constant checking.

One part of me, wants to maintain the chat to have some form of acquaintance/company.

One part of me, wants to tell myself that "this" cannot go on forever. Everyone has their right to their life, people move on.

One part of me, wants to stay in my delusional world.

One part of me, wants to not hurt/disrupt/disturb others time

Oh yeah, lack of sleep it really bad for your health. It actually makes anxiety worse. They say you should get 7-9 hours of sleep a night. There is no way I can do that. I did get some last night which is probably why I feel a little calmer right now.

well that is what research says. but it is to different individual needs.

some needs more some needs less.

problem with mine is i cant have a good full block of sleep.

rest on bed yes, but not very comfortable.

i dont feel that those medications are useful. it just numbs me only.

Sorry I don't mean to keep throwing idea's out at you. Hopefully this new therapist you're supposed to see will help you calm your thoughts when it comes to making decisions.

No idea, waiting for the appointment. Not so soon.

I did the same thing, well, I still do. It's funny really, people hurt me but I'm afraid to talk back because I'm worried about hurting them. So we're working on that. But it's hard.

Take your time, Take your time twistedsoul.

Well home sort of is a safe place, except well with family being there, making you uncomfortable. Wow thanks for sharing those pictures. It's looks like a very busy place with all the tall buildings. A little intimidating for a woodsy person like me. I love the plants though, truely amazing.

It is. "unfortunately" - Although unfortunate is a very imcompatible description here.

Its some park area that another colleague brought me to. Well i guess its a different environment atmosphere from what you been used to. Same for me of the feelings of work/home.

Sounds like some of it is resistance, because you feel they really aren't listening to you or they weren't before. It's hard to be open minded about it because we've all ready formed our own opinions about things.

it is. I am to be honest here.

and something somehow is making me not wanting to break free from it. and try to be slightly flexible around things.

I thought about it, the 7cups therapist, but to be honest I'm not sure I trust it. I need face to face and mine is a sort of specialist with what I'm dealing with. But it might be something to think about for you, give it a try type thing and see what happens.

definitely there will be a difference. who knows what the other person on the other side could be doing while "assisting" you. just that having another option is better than none i thought, though i am very reluctant on going for it. its like I'm exhausted from trying to "recover"

it is just the $ portion that i am always irritated about.

I think it's a good thing. KInd of takes us out of our thoughts and brings us into the present. Like a sounding board. Get somethings off our chest. But don't ever feel that you have to reply right away or at all. I mean it's nice talking with you every day but if you need or want a break, I understand. Don't feed another bad habit.

I've shared my thoughts on the above, and i am kinda confused and reluctant about it.

Its like i duno what is for the best.

Have a good day/evening Mike, take care, try to be gentle.

Sure, thank you again.

I'm gona lie down soon.

I hope the hunger subsides.

@mikenai22

I'm glad the pain subsided. Thanks, I try to be very open minded, I'm better with it with others, just not very open minded about myself.

I'm not sure what to tell you. While nothing is forever, we can always talk here. There really isn't a date anywhere that says we only have so long. And it's no disruption to my time.

Same here. I never get more than a few hours and thats occasionally. I try to rest but often get too restless for it to do any good.

Well whenever it happens...I hope it goes good for you.

It looked really nice. It looked like they had signs telling what kind of flowers and trees they were.

I had the same thought. I mean who's to say that they're even really therapists. Yeah you can check them out but that really doesn't mean anything.. And money is always a factor for things. Because you don't want to waste it or throw it away.

I hope you had a nice lie down. Even if you didn't sleep or anything. Just rest.

Take care, be gentle

@mikenai22

I'm glad the pain subsided. Thanks, I try to be very open minded, I'm better with it with others, just not very open minded about myself.

yea. just that i cant seem to understand about the exercise weaken-ing

I see, how about trying to give yourself a chance whenever there is an opporunity to?

I'm not sure what to tell you. While nothing is forever, we can always talk here. There really isn't a date anywhere that says we only have so long. And it's no disruption to my time.

its ok twistedsoul. something just fears me like there is a point of time where everything comes to a standstill. like nothing to "talk" anymore. or if worse, we might just be "looping" our discussion till it becomes too monotone.

i don't know perhaps could be my disordered thoughts talking rubbish...

Same here. I never get more than a few hours and thats occasionally. I try to rest but often get too restless for it to do any good.

you've almost just described my day. just need to change the "hours" to "mins" and replace the sleep to conciousness/focus.

i wonder how i will be continuing my life from here now on.

Well whenever it happens...I hope it goes good for you.

thanks twistedsoul.

i will be sure to archive this thread somehow. it kinda gave some meaning, some motivation to stay here in 7cups.

It looked really nice. It looked like they had signs telling what kind of flowers and trees they were.

its kinda man-made park so yea.

I had the same thought. I mean who's to say that they're even really therapists. Yeah you can check them out but that really doesn't mean anything.. And money is always a factor for things. Because you don't want to waste it or throw it away.

the perfectionist mindset of mine is waiting for the perfect moment to try.

which i truly dont know when is it.

I hope you had a nice lie down. Even if you didn't sleep or anything. Just rest.

Take care, be gentle

oh well it was difficult. there were noises from the park downstairs, and my father is ramping again.

yes i will try. although it is the duno how many attempt already.

rest well twistedsoul. wish you have a good day ahead.

@mikenai22

Idk. I kind of think we'll find things to talk about, at least for a few months anyway. There may be times when it's just small talk or something, but that's ok too I think. We're being social. If not then we're just stuck in our own heads with our own twisted thoughts.

Yeah this sleeping thing is just crazy. I saw something about people sleeping so well because they have peace. If that's the case I'll never sleep good. Unless I can find someway to calm my mind. Maybe in time it will get better with the therapy...for both of us.

I guess they give you a few days trial. I'm not sure who it works. I think it should be a little longer though. I mean it takes more than 3 days to see if something is going to work.

Can you listen to music while you try to rest? Something just quietly going in the back ground that would help block out the other noises? Close your eyes and picture the ocean or the mountains, something soothing.

Thanks Take care

@mikenai22

Woke up "tired", but yet "motivated" to complete the morning run/chinup.

Yet, the exercise workout sucks.

Something really is wrong.

Idk. I kind of think we'll find things to talk about, at least for a few months anyway. There may be times when it's just small talk or something, but that's ok too I think. We're being social. If not then we're just stuck in our own heads with our own twisted thoughts.

Now that you mentioned it. I did not realised that it has been few months.

Only thing in my mind is that "every 10pm-4am" I kinda hope to see twistedsouls' reply, and would anticipate to reply something. Or hope to listen/learn something.

And in addition that i did not noticed where it is actually "small" talk. I only kept the boundaries within myself.

Sharing my pains again and again.

To be honest, I dont really know how to be social. - Kinda explained previously.

But then yea, kinda true, if not for this. I think i would not even "revisit" 7cups daily. and also yea, more dwelling in own thoughts only.

Yeah this sleeping thing is just crazy. I saw something about people sleeping so well because they have peace. If that's the case I'll never sleep good. Unless I can find someway to calm my mind. Maybe in time it will get better with the therapy...for both of us.

I think such things cannot be "fixed" overnight. Could be also some form of training to train your "muscle memory" to learn a new habit. Its like starting from young? A sleep cycle kind of thing.

I'm not very sure about the therapy stuffs. - I dont want to put my bet on it. In my honest thoughts, only reason why I "returned" to therapy was due to Job Orders. Otherwise I wouldn't want to splurge.

I guess they give you a few days trial. I'm not sure who it works. I think it should be a little longer though. I mean it takes more than 3 days to see if something is going to work.

yea... that sucks. probably it is just to allow the participant to feel if there is any usefulness and also if he/she can commit to it. before truly spending.

Can you listen to music while you try to rest? Something just quietly going in the back ground that would help block out the other noises? Close your eyes and picture the ocean or the mountains, something soothing.

I tried before 2-3 things

1. (android) calm - Includes music and nature sounds

2. (android) insight timer - Includes multiple stuffs, meditation, music, chants, mantras, talks, etc.

3. YouTube - Kinda a bad idea...

4. SoundCloud - Podcast

5. (android) woebot - Just learnt it recently from online, a friendly bot who you can chat with

6. Checking Email/7Cups/Reddit/Quora/Pinterest - Totally bad idea. But already used to it.

The problem with these is that I dont really have a preset set. So i have to "explore" during the woken hours just to find something.

And the music, sometimes just catch my attention way more than I expected. Until i started enjoying the tune and not being able to sleep. (hahaha)

Thanks Take care

Yup, you too. Hope you have a good day today.

@mikenai22 There's nothing wrong with you sharing your pains and sharing whats bothering you. That's the whole point. I'm not too good with being social either. But just us talking back and forth is being social. But that's just my thoughts on it.

With the therapy, you need to keep an open mind to it, but that's hard because of past experiences. If it went poorly before, well that's still in your mind so you're kind of all ready thinking it's not going to work.

I kind of think of it as it being long enough to rope you in, make you think it's going to be helpful but once you commit, idk. I'm kind of thinking along the same lines about some of the listeners on here. They make contact, chat you up a bit (long enough to get a review from you) and then they disappear. I won't let it happen again. Don't come to someone and offer them help or a listening ear and then just disappear. Fool me once shame on you type thing.

Can you put presets in so you don't have to scan through to find something? Or make up a play list? I've got a couple of those. Some for good days- some for bad days. I just have to bring it up. Yeah I end up enjoying the music too and then don't sleep either. Trying to figure out things is tiring. It seems that as soon as you think you have things worked out, something changes and then it doesn't work anymore.

Take care, be gentle with yourself

@mytwistedsoul

There's nothing wrong with you sharing your pains and sharing whats bothering you. That's the whole point. I'm not too good with being social either. But just us talking back and forth is being social. But that's just my thoughts on it.

I can understand that "nothing wrong" part. Just that you know, not everyone likes to hear other people's nagging. Worse off if it is just like cassesste tape constant repeating of the same issues and not helping self.

But surprisingly, both of us not being socially active, yet still able to maintain this thread.

With the therapy, you need to keep an open mind to it, but that's hard because of past experiences. If it went poorly before, well that's still in your mind so you're kind of all ready thinking it's not going to work.

I am aware of the open mindness and sometimes the need to accept one's help to help ownself.

Anyways like explained, I am a person who lives in the dark, fears of past experiences, and hold grudges very strongly. I am someone who lets emotions control/overwhelm me.

So yea, I know it has to be overcomed' somehow, if not yea, it is not going to work.

I kind of think of it as it being long enough to rope you in, make you think it's going to be helpful but once you commit, idk. I'm kind of thinking along the same lines about some of the listeners on here. They make contact, chat you up a bit (long enough to get a review from you) and then they disappear. I won't let it happen again. Don't come to someone and offer them help or a listening ear and then just disappear. Fool me once shame on you type thing.

now that you mention it. it i realised how some of my past chats went with the listeners.

but then what i just kinda dislike about is the misuse of the term "listeners", its like just because the role is to listen, does not mean you just stand at your corner and literalily purely listen only. Most of the times, the person seeking help, truly hopes that the listener listens and perhaps shed some thoughts about it. Yes the person may overthink that the listener is there to fix problems, but no, it is not supposed to. However it is much more better if the listener at least lend a supporting role to understand things better. Not just "yea", "i see", "go on", "oh", "<radio silence>". Hence the "domain" or area of topic of discussion sometimes is abit rather important as a listener.

Can you put presets in so you don't have to scan through to find something? Or make up a play list? I've got a couple of those. Some for good days- some for bad days. I just have to bring it up. Yeah I end up enjoying the music too and then don't sleep either. Trying to figure out things is tiring. It seems that as soon as you think you have things worked out, something changes and then it doesn't work anymore.

perhaps i should build something out.

unfortunately spotify on mobile is not "free" - otherwise i could put some tracks there

youtube is very irritating - as it cannot run on background

haha, you know sometimes it is just the body saying that it had enough rest so you can't sleep after waking up.

if a body is truly tired, the tell tale signs of tired is very visibily felt.

yea, i kinda hate the figuring out thing. it just never lines up well everytime. But like what most motivational/inspiration people said - "Life is an experience, and a long going journey", "Life is a never ending trail of experience for one to explore and discover, not just to live through it."

Take care, be gentle with yourself

Thanks twistedsoul. You too take care.

Had this numbing lowblood headache suddenly just now - I hope it subside soon

@mikenai22 You're the only one on here that I talk to every day. I have to admit, I look forward to it. It's nice to know that there is at least some contact from the outside world. And it might seem like you're stuck on repeat but it's there because it hasn't been fixed or resolved yet. I feel the same way about myself. It's always the same...can't sleep, depressed, anxious.

I really do hope this next therapist is a good fit for you.

I know alot of people think that the listeners are there to fix things..I also know that they can't. But don't go dead silent. That just makes me wonder if I did something wrong. I mean I all ready have a hard enough time relating to people. Thanks to them, now I feel worse about opening up to anyone. I also understand that they're giving up their time to volunteer to listen. But if you don't want to be bothered then say something, at the very least. I even told them that I didn't think it was a good idea but they say oh no, no worries. Like I said it won't happen again. Pisses me off. And I'm having a real hard time not unleashing it to give them a piece of my mind.

Man youtube drives me nuts some times. I cheat now and use an old mp3 player. Things shouldn't be so complicated that they need to be figured out. I realize we're the ones that make it complicated but there are usually only so many different ways you can look at things.

I hope your headache goes away, I have one too. I hate headaches.

@mytwistedsoul

You're the only one on here that I talk to every day. I have to admit, I look forward to it. It's nice to know that there is at least some contact from the outside world. And it might seem like you're stuck on repeat but it's there because it hasn't been fixed or resolved yet. I feel the same way about myself. It's always the same...can't sleep, depressed, anxious.

One word - Touched

I never had anyone said, in any form, something like this to me in my life.

My social circle is never huge, and had deminished to a point where a couple of fingers could not even quantify,

I kind of know the "answer" to fix and resolve the problem.

However the "answer" is often, wrong/incorrect/against to my own rules/ethics/morals of life.

- I know, sometimes my "own" rules are actually derived/influenced by others, and not actually my rules

- I know, that times we have to go with the flow and not with our die-hard rules

- life is full of unexpectations and it is there for us to experiences, yet i want it my way

I really do hope this next therapist is a good fit for you.

no idea, coming wednesday will find out. I 99.99% despise suspense.

I know alot of people think that the listeners are there to fix things..I also know that they can't. But don't go dead silent. That just makes me wonder if I did something wrong. I mean I all ready have a hard enough time relating to people. Thanks to them, now I feel worse about opening up to anyone. I also understand that they're giving up their time to volunteer to listen. But if you don't want to be bothered then say something, at the very least. I even told them that I didn't think it was a good idea but they say oh no, no worries. Like I said it won't happen again. Pisses me off. And I'm having a real hard time not unleashing it to give them a piece of my mind.

I am one of them - Totally unrealistically dreaming.

I'm not sure what/why the dead silent - Probably multitasking? Anyways we are not here to judge them. Everyone still have their dailys/lifestyle to run.

Woa. Try not to put 100% blame on them. It is already painful with the troubles, so try not to add more fuel the pain. Not gona solve anything. (Same like my burden on not letting go of grudges)

But then yea, some of their behaviours are kinda... off. Anyways we cannot dictate their actions.

Oh well, i guess it is better for you to step off from that menu option?

But sometimes when i feel like having a "instant" communication with someone, just to let go of something, i truly hope to have a person to interactively talk/chat with. However guess here is abit challenging. Even the group chat sometimes felt very isolated.

Man youtube drives me nuts some times. I cheat now and use an old mp3 player. Things shouldn't be so complicated that they need to be figured out. I realize we're the ones that make it complicated but there are usually only so many different ways you can look at things.

hmm, guess i am seriously stucked in the social media influence world.

I hope your headache goes away, I have one too. I hate headaches.

Was slightly better after the 3rd woke up.

But i could not sustain my focus energy. and went back to bed again.

Now i am up, 3 hours later. Did my yoga which, totally felt out of place. =.=

I never like headaches, this is a constant day-to-day problems since i was young.

@mikenai22 Sorry, I don't know what to say to that. I have an easy time talking with you.

Sounds like your social circle is the same size as mine.

It's hard to go against your own rules and the rules we end up with, are rules that have been handed down to us. We just add or subtract from them to make it our own. And yeah, behavior, those rules can be changed to be more acceptable, more comfortable(?). But it's going to take time to unlearn what it took you years to learn. I mean you know where it's coming from it seems, that half the battle isn't it? Now you just need to find a way to change it into something that is a better more comfortable fit for you. But you can't just go with the flow. Some people aren't meant to. It's that whole think outside of the box thing. And of course you want it your way, we all do. It's our life. We have to be able to be happy in it or a least content...satisfied.

OH I'm with you there! I hate waiting...for anything. It just fuels the anxiety..disrupts sleep..makes us irritable and temperamental.

Yeah I know, I feel bad now about feeling that way. I think I was more angry with myself, because it sort of required me to have a little trust for someone. That's a big deal for me. Oh yeah it won't happen again. It's an insecurity I guess.

Hey it's the way of the world. Internet, social media, nobody talks face to face anymore. And just about eveything is text, no phone calls. It's easier.

Yeah headaches suck. I get them alot too. Seems like nothing makes it go away, not until it's ready too.

Hope your headache continues to get better. Have a good day/night.

@mytwistedsoul

Sorry, I don't know what to say to that. I have an easy time talking with you.

Hey twisted soul. Its ok. dont worry about that. - Its only voicing my head out.

Sounds like your social circle is the same size as mine.

mmm... mmm...

how like that...

to be honest, i do not know if this situation is good or bad

It's hard to go against your own rules and the rules we end up with, are rules that have been handed down to us. We just add or subtract from them to make it our own. And yeah, behavior, those rules can be changed to be more acceptable, more comfortable(?).

From the way i see, it certainly takes a very bad situation, which will make me "click" such that i will then only change.

i.e. the unforseen ER visit, the job turnaround on me, etc.

But it's going to take time to unlearn what it took you years to learn. I mean you know where it's coming from it seems, that half the battle isn't it?

I doubt it is going to be easy.

But what i know is that once the first move is made, the rest of the process/habit is just going with the flow only.

It is usually the first move that makes things difficult.

The perfectionist streak cult.

Now you just need to find a way to change it into something that is a better more comfortable fit for you. But you can't just go with the flow. Some people aren't meant to. It's that whole think outside of the box thing. And of course you want it your way, we all do. It's our life. We have to be able to be happy in it or a least content...satisfied.

I have been thinking, since i got this pocket of time. Although not peaceful... but have to kinda make do.

I might have to either scarifice something or give in to something. i.e. money, job, lifestyle, health, diet, etc.

Such that I can then balance other things.

Otherwise i dont think i will ever be able to make "ends" or my mind in peace.

This current lifestyle of mine, although "workable" now, but i doubt i can make it last forever.

Although i do not know what is it for me later on.

OH I'm with you there! I hate waiting...for anything. It just fuels the anxiety..disrupts sleep..makes us irritable and temperamental.

yea, and whenever there are things that i hate and wish to get rid of... i just dont want to wait for the time/date to reach.

i.e. appointments, army, activities you hate, breakfast, lunch, dinner timings, etc.

Yeah I know, I feel bad now about feeling that way. I think I was more angry with myself, because it sort of required me to have a little trust for someone. That's a big deal for me. Oh yeah it won't happen again. It's an insecurity I guess.

everyone has their own say, no right or wrong, neither nor there is a need to blame yourself. Its not like the fault entirely lies upon you. Perhaps there could be mis-understandings or accidental mis-behaviours that resulted in a poor relationship, but still end of the day, this is what makes us humans. - Living Human Being

i can comprehen your concern about having the trust about others. - this is something that i always worked poorly on, the lack of trust from others. which resulted me in getting most of the work/job/task done by myself.

Hey it's the way of the world. Internet, social media, nobody talks face to face anymore. And just about eveything is text, no phone calls. It's easier.

=.=

Yeah headaches suck. I get them alot too. Seems like nothing makes it go away, not until it's ready too.

Hope your headache continues to get better. Have a good day/night.

Yea. thanks twistedsoul. food coma again. (almost immediate after i wash the plates) i gona rest abit.

https://mikenai.wordpress.com/2019/05/04/155-something-new-lentil-flatbread-hummus/

Dont worry... did not finish the entire thing... too much.

@mikenai22 Well thank you though! Guess I'm just not used to having someone be touched by something I said. It's kind of nice.

I'm not sure either. It's just really hard to find people you and trust and relate to.

I think alot of people are kind of like that. You let things go to the point that you have no other options. That rock bottom stage. I do it, probably because I have some deluded idea that maybe things will work themselves out but they never do.

Unfortunately there are always sacrafices that need to be made. Unforunately - it usually starts with money, because therapy isn't cheap. It's hard to find the right balance of things. Other people offer suggestions but everyone's balance is different.

Yep! Let's just get this over with is my way of thinking. To have to wait and wait and wait...I get so worked up and nervous that by the time of the appointment I've made myself sick from worrying about it.

You're right. It's probably a misunderstanding. I tend to read into things to deeply and take things too personally. Trust to me is like respect. It's earned, I don't just give it away. Same here - I trust myself (sometimes) I know I'll do the job right at least right to my standards. Although I guess that doesn't really mean it is right. Just right to me.

I hope you had a good rest and your headache is gone.

It looks really good, I've never eaten hummus. Isn't it made out of chick peas or something? Sorry, guess I could google it.

I hope you have a nice/good/decent weekend. Take it easy on yourself. Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. Take care

@mytwistedsoul

Well thank you though! Guess I'm just not used to having someone be touched by something I said. It's kind of nice.

Great~ Take abit of time, and also perhaps if can just focus on feeling it.

I hope that slowly slowly in time, you learn to pick this skill up. - I need it too, I'm always one who pushes appreciation/commendation messages away.

I'm not sure either. It's just really hard to find people you and trust and relate to.

Trust is something easily broken, but yet takes the most time to build. - Don't think this something new to any one

I think alot of people are kind of like that. You let things go to the point that you have no other options. That rock bottom stage. I do it, probably because I have some deluded idea that maybe things will work themselves out but they never do.

Indeed, which literality made me started thinking of stuffs like

- Lifestyle

- "modified" and "fake" Plant based whole food diet

- Money

Perhaps it is time to let it go.

Unfortunately there are always sacrafices that need to be made. Unforunately - it usually starts with money, because therapy isn't cheap. It's hard to find the right balance of things. Other people offer suggestions but everyone's balance is different.

I am doing something very ugly for now, and no children/son/daughter should ever do to their parents/siblings.

I am reaching out to them to pay for any expenses for now.

Although i am financially still capable, but my mind is still not in peace with money.

Yet i feel the obligation when i make them pay. - Like a in-debt and will need to pay them back (in any form) for their kindness

Yep! Let's just get this over with is my way of thinking. To have to wait and wait and wait...I get so worked up and nervous that by the time of the appointment I've made myself sick from worrying about it.

which reminds me about the anxiety pain and feeling I faced past 2-3 years (or even more) about army reservist. - The wait for the D-Day.

PS twistedsoul : Please don't be sorry and say that you have triggered me or made my think about bad stuffs. Don't worry. I'm just reflecting on it. Its already the past already.

You're right. It's probably a misunderstanding. I tend to read into things to deeply and take things too personally. Trust to me is like respect. It's earned, I don't just give it away. Same here - I trust myself (sometimes) I know I'll do the job right at least right to my standards. Although I guess that doesn't really mean it is right. Just right to me.

first part yes, emotions overwhelms reality very easily. the ability to catch it and take a step back to reanalyse is a great self-management skill to pick up.

second part, "just right to me", are you able to tell yourself that? i certainly cant. this is something that i want to at least help myself with. if i cant even have some faith or trust myself, it will be very hard to move on to anywhere in life.

I hope you had a good rest and your headache is gone.

Thanks. - Other than the hunger issues that i am battling lately... sudden hunger, sudden stomachache, sudden fullness, puzzling and confusing.

The weird lowblood pressure numbing headache is gone.

But the usual headaches are still probing once in a while.

It looks really good, I've never eaten hummus. Isn't it made out of chick peas or something? Sorry, guess I could google it.

Yes you are right.

For once, i almost followed as close to recipe - with exception of adding vegetables, and subtracting garlic/oil

Instead of some "faking" to just attempt to make a clone out of nowhere.

I hope you have a nice/good/decent weekend. Take it easy on yourself. Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. Take care

Thank you. Thank you twisted soul. I try to keep in mind.

I do hope that your well wishes goes the same for you too, and especially the first part being able to brighten your day better, and perhaps much more forward looking. But something to keep in mind is also that the world/life is much much bigger than just only this thread.

@mikenai22 Hey How are you?

It's hard to accept compliments. I'm not sure why.

Wow, and they agreed? That's good right? I mean helpful to you. I imagine it must make you feel uncomfortable. I mean you have to do what needs to be done. I'm definitely not challenging your decision. I get the feeling of having to pay them back. I used to go through that if anyone did anything for me. There was always a payment to keep in mind.

No I can't actually. I mess with something trying to make it perfect and end up screwing it up more. I end up forcing things and screw it up by making it go a way it wasn't supposed to.

I'm glad the low blood pressure headache went away. Anything to with my head bothers me. Headache or tooth ache. But I have a bad habit of clenching my teeth all the time so it makes my teeth and my jaw hurt. Doesn't matter how many times I catch myself doing it and stop it, 30 minutes later I'm doing it again.

It did look good. I might have to give hummus a try, see what I'm missing.

Idk, it wasn't a bad weekend. I just feel off.

Take care, be gentle with yourself

@mytwistedsoul

Hey How are you?

Something's wrong. I cant think. I will just type out what happened.

2330hrs - woke up lost, went to eat

0200hrs - stomach ache, probably the yogurt i took at 2000hrs

0230hrs - cant think straight to continue sleeping or wake up

0235hrs - yoga, i forgot to stretching exercises

0305hrs - apple cider vinegar drink, clean up

0330hrs - coffee, power on computer for the day

(between 0330hrs to 0700hrs) spent time on computer, email, qoo10, reddit, 7cups, etc...)

0430hrs - hungry, breakfast part 1 (half portion only)

0500hrs - coffee (second cup)

0550hrs - hungry, breakfast part 2 (second half portion only)

0600hrs - decided to soak adzuki beans for meal preparation later

0620hrs - felt like wanting another coffee (third cup)

0700hrs - first boiling of beans

0800hrs - decided to make some sort of bread (again)

0930hrs - apple

1000hrs - shaping of bread

1045hrs - second boiling of beans + veggies

1100hrs - puree of beans + veggies

1120hrs - steamed bread

1130hrs - bathe and decided to eat

1200hrs - saw this post, but feeling confused of whether still hungry or not.

1220hrs - ate again

1230hrs - iron clothes

1245hrs - now...

Not sure what i am doing today.

Yoga was I think ok. But similarly pushups are still on the weaker side. Something feels wrong with the arms. I wonder is it due to under train or something wrong elsewhere.

(Update) 1250hrs - headache.

It's hard to accept compliments. I'm not sure why.

I think it is a human "nature" to put oneself slightly lower than others. It requires quite a courage and strength to stand up and be proud of what you did, etc.

I remember reading somewhere about it. But then it does not mean that you cannot train yourself to be stronger and learn when to and not to regards to compliments.

Wow, and they agreed? That's good right? I mean helpful to you. I imagine it must make you feel uncomfortable. I mean you have to do what needs to be done. I'm definitely not challenging your decision. I get the feeling of having to pay them back. I used to go through that if anyone did anything for me. There was always a payment to keep in mind.

Yes, good... in my mind no, It is not healthy and the action is like a guilt and sin that I can never let go of. Its like breaking heaven's rule book of indisciple children mis-treating family members/parents.

I always had the mentality of what you explained. The itch will always be there like there is a credit score that needs to be balanced. Otherwise it is wrong or always in debt situation. And the mind will never stop battling.

No I can't actually. I mess with something trying to make it perfect and end up screwing it up more. I end up forcing things and screw it up by making it go a way it wasn't supposed to.

Ah. I see. Gotta try to be more mindful next time.

I mean like also cant expect everytime/possibilty of being able to clean up a bad situation.

Things happened because of an act, hence if it happened, gotta accept it. And have to try to react to situation and move on from that point. No point dwelling on the past.

(1259hrs) - shit i dozed off sorry twistedsoul

I'm glad the low blood pressure headache went away. Anything to with my head bothers me. Headache or tooth ache. But I have a bad habit of clenching my teeth all the time so it makes my teeth and my jaw hurt. Doesn't matter how many times I catch myself doing it and stop it, 30 minutes later I'm doing it again.

Clenching teeth? please becareful. During my younger days (secondary school, i think its what US refers to as high school or something) someone got hurt with "fits". Kinda painful thing i heard. And it is very scary.

Guessing its like another kind of behaviour that is learnt/trained over time?

Learning/Picking up is way easier than breaking. Just gotta keep trying. Or if not, instead of "stopping" try alternatives i.e. constant reminders, stopping for 1 hour instead of 30 mins, kind of thing then work longer periods.

It did look good. I might have to give hummus a try, see what I'm missing.

Thank you.

I kinda made another version today - with adzuki beans

Idk, it wasn't a bad weekend. I just feel off.

Take care, be gentle with yourself

Its ok. Cannot expect everyday to be good. I tend to forget it. But gotta try to look at the small things - which we often overlook.

Thanks twisted soul. I'll try. Though i am really lost with my hunger signals and pains.

In addition, this is shameful, i am leaking pee during the entire day. shit.. this undiagnosed problem again.

@mikenai22 hhmmm.. your body is telling you something, I just have no idea what it is. Sounds like muscle fatigue almost. I don't know.

I can understand your misgivings with having them help you. I understand what your mind is saying. But that doesn't make you a bad son. Families are supposed to help each other in times of need. And if they didn't want to help they could have said no. But as I said I do understand your feelings about it. No one wants to ask for help, it makes us feel vulnerable and weak. But it takes a bigger person to admit they need help, even if it is to pay for something. And in my mind this is something serious. You're trying to get your life back on track. It not like your asking them for unnecessary things. This is your health and the obviously want you to get better.

The teeth clenching comes from being tense (i think) and well some of it is just anger. I just feel angry some times, sometimes it seems theres no reason for the anger. It just simmers under the surface. It's something I'm working on.

As for the leaking...could it posssibly be a uti? Or it could have something to do with the muscles weakness. Don't be ashamed, things like that happen sometimes. Have you had a physical lately? It might be something to think about if you haven't. Just to see if there is some underlying cause to it.

I hope the day goes better. Or evening. It's weird sometimes to think of the time difference from your part of the world to mine.

Take care, be gentle with yourself. I hope you figure out whats going on with the hunger signals. It must be frustrating.

@mytwistedsoul

hhmmm.. your body is telling you something, I just have no idea what it is. Sounds like muscle fatigue almost. I don't know.

i wont deny the fact. just that i do not know the truth.

neither nor dare to "take a break" of try something else.

its like fearing of something. i.e. weight gain?, muscle lost, etc.

I can understand your misgivings with having them help you. I understand what your mind is saying. But that doesn't make you a bad son. Families are supposed to help each other in times of need. And if they didn't want to help they could have said no. But as I said I do understand your feelings about it. No one wants to ask for help, it makes us feel vulnerable and weak. But it takes a bigger person to admit they need help, even if it is to pay for something. And in my mind this is something serious. You're trying to get your life back on track. It not like your asking them for unnecessary things. This is your health and the obviously want you to get better.

vulnerable and weak - perhaps this is my issue. the fear of being shameful, the fear of "losing", the fear of being weak, the fear of falling/failing.

The teeth clenching comes from being tense (i think) and well some of it is just anger. I just feel angry some times, sometimes it seems theres no reason for the anger. It just simmers under the surface. It's something I'm working on.

I see, something like an act of moment or just purely a "routine" habit?

As for the leaking...could it posssibly be a uti? Or it could have something to do with the muscles weakness. Don't be ashamed, things like that happen sometimes. Have you had a physical lately? It might be something to think about if you haven't. Just to see if there is some underlying cause to it.

no idea, but could be due to the weak stomach muscles. i.e. all the digestion issues, exercise weakness/problems, unable to seat/stand for long, etc.

physical not really, but i did talk to doctors previously, and was being shunned off.

perhaps the next upcoming one i'll bring somehing up.

I hope the day goes better. Or evening. It's weird sometimes to think of the time difference from your part of the world to mine.

mine's is GMT8+, 2354hrs now.

Take care, be gentle with yourself. I hope you figure out whats going on with the hunger signals. It must be frustrating.

Thank you.

well, if by the book of ED. It means 2 possibilities, 1. did not consume enough for the day, or 2. extreme hunger requiring nutrients for recovery.

By our own mentality, it only just means bad. Because all the stupid calculations and stuff will just kick in and questioning why this, why that.