Lost

@mytwistedsoul

I did notice, but I just wanted to let you know that you can if you want. Or not. Either is ok. I'm the same way at times. Just not much for socializing. But then other times it seems I never shut up.

i'm easily read as an open book i guess - as always

okays, i'll take note.

sometimes, i just felt the "constriction. like i have to do this, otherwise i am wrong, or vice versa. which is kinda irritating. but then you also know the stress or influence might just come from sources like social media or self generated random thoughts.

I think it is also "kinda" the same for your case? whether you want to talk or not, or if you keep on talking. - there is no right or wrong.

They care for you, it's understandable. I imagine it's frustrating for them to feel as though they can't help, when they care for you.

it does hurt. and i have been fighting with myself.

You wear your heart on your sleeve. I do sometimes, other times it's hidden. I try to think things through before acting, but I do get impulsive at times. And act without thinking.

I see, I see.

Good that you are aware of yourself.

Hey no problem, when ever you're ready or if you don't want to at all.

I appreciate it.

It's good your cough is better. The sore throat is puzzleing. I kind of think it must be the environment. With the dust and the smoke.

Duno, i haven't been able to get a clean place to "stay" for long enough to find out. if it is really the environment to blame. most of the areas that i am exposed to, work, home, travelling through and fro home/work is bad.

Did the yoga go better with the intensity raised? When you jog, does the pain start right away or does it take a while to build up? Sorry, questions..

Aye? dont worry about questions. Here goes my replies~~

Well, my workout (run/chinup/yoga/pushup) depends. (It is kinda puzzling to me) I haven't been able to get a consistent workout results for quite sometime. other than chinup which has been greatly worsening each time

For jogging, it was immediate. - its like the feeling that something is not right. Not really the feeling of stitch, because for that it is easily tellable and it slowly goes away later. plus i dont really drink alot before a run.

I'm not really used to people being concerned, not about me anyway. Just the way it is. Thank you though, it's something I'll have to keep in mind.

Thanks, take care.

Perhaps its the way of our thinking? - Likewise for mine. Its like we keep registering as we are trying but accidentally overlooked.

Rest well twistedsoul. Dont be so hard on yourself.

@mytwistedsoul

Hey how are you?

Havent been sleeping much.

Cant really sleep.

<I'm gona skip the regular issues, i.e. exercises, sore throats, etc.>

In addition, as of recent. I am starting to notice something very wrong. - I know it is a sign and related to depression.

It appears that I am wasting alot of my time/life. - Constantly ruminating, thinking, wasting time about what to do in life. Like there is nothing that i want to do, duno what i truly want, got something to do but yet dont want to/cant justify for it kind of. I already wasted my "good friday" holiday. - oh well nothing new. has been for awhile already

Kind of like an uncomfortable silence, at least that what comes to mind for me. You have to say something..anything because it's too quiet. But then other times,idk - the silence is just too comfortable. There are times when I go days without actually talking to anyone, yeah I talk to the dogs. I "talk" online. But that's it.

Actually I kinda like the silence. It feels much more comfortable to sit and linger around.

Its almost like you sit in a "cafe" environment, and listening to your surroundings.

Unlike in a home/office setting, where you just hear very "clear/loud" distinct noises which is very distracting.

Wow, you have pets? - Envy. Though I always wanted, but I dont think i can commit well/plus parents dont truly like them either. Anyways, i cant even take good care of myself in the first place.

I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't have said anything. I just think it's really nice that, well, the whole family love thing. It's nice. Be proud of it, cherish it.

Hey, its ok. Dont be.

Something in me, just dont really like it. Dont appreciate it, and not feeling grateful for.

Could you wear like a light dust mask? At least maybe at home. They usually aren't that expensive, I thinkyou can get a box of 50 disposible ones for like 5 bucks. It would be something to at least think about, if it helps great, if not you're not out a whole lot. Just an idea.

Does'nt it feel awkwardly wrong to do that? Its like you know our own home, and yet have to result in doing this kind of things. Its like we are holding our shields against each other - <As a family. Must things be/end up this way?> I really despise closing/shutting of doors. It just does not feel right. Unfortunately when my brother practised it. I gave in and started it. Now in addition, I even went the extra mile, bought door gap sealer tapes just to seal off gaps - from noise and smoke.

But then, well - I'll think about the mask. - N95 or something i believe its called here.

How much have you changed your eating? I know you were having a hard time with portions and just not really wanting to eat. Could that be what's affecting your energy/ stamina levels.

Not much.

I'm still like eating puree'ed meals - Usually baked to make it "cakey/gooey/bready" kind of texture

Otherwise its oatmeal or whole foods (i.e. sweet potato, garden peas, chickpea, tempeh)

Fruits... majorly, apples, oranges, bananas

Vegetables are usually in the puree'ed meals - To hope i have better digestion - Vegetarian/Vegan/Plant-based diet is truly exhaustive. - Somehow something is telling/disturbing/not wanting me to like/consume meat related stuffs anymore.

I understand that it could be related to energy/stamina.

But rather what is confusing is the meal timings, portions (sometimes alot/little), painful bloat/digestions/spams/cramps for same or different or random meals.

Sometimes i can feel very hungry, but cant truly eat. But sometimes i am not hungry, but can eat humomus amount. - Totally lost.

That's the only time it hurts? Is it on spacific side? What if you put pressure on it?

Yes, right side mid-section from my view.

Never really tried. Will monitor tomorrow.

OMG it's like 20 questions! Sorry

???

I kind of think, sometimes, that it's because we don't care and just figure or assume that no one else should or would.

Take care of yourself, be gentle

Its ok. - Maybe we forget, overlooked, regardless accident or whatever reasons. Just dont be so hard.

Thanks twistedsoul. You too take care.

- By the way, I kinda noticed that I have been... kinda selffish? I never once asked about you. i.e. "How are you, twistedsoul"

@mytwistedsoul

I'm sorry to hear you're not sleeping the best. That is something I can relate to. And depression. I've been dealing with that for a little bit. I actually thought it felt better than the anxiety I usually have all the time. But then my thoughts took a dark turn. So I'm not too happy with the depression at the moment.

It is ok. I understand the possibility and reasons.

Actually mine was not about "thoughts" but kinda the lost and obession with hunger or something or toilet to pee.

And it was kind of warm/dry last evening.

Sounds like you are feeling low. Good to hear on your well awareness. Please do keep a lookout and take care when necessary.

I like silence too sometimes, unfortunately it never truely quiet in my mind.

It is. Sometimes we often forget simplicity its at best.

2 dogs and a stray cat that showed up a few months ago. They help keep me responsible. And out of trouble sometimes because I have to stop and think - "what about the dogs?"

oh...? i see. Wow, that is very nice and kind of you twistedsoul

Do you think it's because, idk, you have to take their feelings and concerns into account? You know what I mean?

It is. You know the saying - You should not give a "..." about what others think of you? And also the you should put your own self/priorities first than others? Do not allow other's thoughts and words affect you and your emotions.

I seem to be always forgeting about them, not truly practising it. And constantly felt being burdened and overwhelmed by it.

I am oftened being reminded by others be aware of it, and to take greater self-care. - Yet i still cant help it

Yeah it does seem like you shouldn't have to do that. Unless your dad would maybe just smoke outside? Which I'm sure you here, my house- my rules. Maybe not. Like I said it's just something to think about. Just to see if you could maybe help rule out environmental stuff.

Guess this is life. The way of life.

But sure, i defintely understand and take in your recommendation.

If i am not wrong, way before all this happened to me. One of my colleagues did shared something similar before.

Could it just be, idk, gas? I'm not sure what to do for that.

Perhaps.

It's not your appendix or gallbladder, I know the gall bladder can cause alot of trouble. But I think maybe the appendix one doesn't come and go. I'll have to give it some thought.

No... please dont. that seriously is bad stuff and news. The surgery and stuffs is going to hurt.

Oh sorry, the twenty questions was just, I had rapid fire questions all in a row. Sorry about that.

Wow. I wonder how you managed it.

To be honest I never really gave it much thought. Other than I didn't have to give an answer for it. Because it changes so much through out the day. I can be fine one minute and not so fine the next. But today, right at this moment, I'm doing ok. Thank you for asking.

Apologises. But thank you for comprehending and understanding.

The fine for one moment and not the other. I guess it is totally related to depression symptoms? - From what i read and learnt at least.

Try to have a good weekend, take care and be gentle with yourself.

Thank you.

But 2-3 hours ago and now kind not feeling well suddenly. Favourite sweet potato was so hard to swallow and felt very nauseated. Did not finish, rested for 2-3 hours. Woke up hungry, chewed the apple still did not feel good.

I hope this feeling goes away soon.

Second Post

@mytwistedsoul

something took another turn - unexpected event.

I don't know if it is good or bad news.

----------------------------------------

1st Post

----------------------------------------

@mytwistedsoul

It's easy for me to talk to you about your problems. I just wish I could be as open about my own. Idk, I try but the words just sort of disappear. Poof - gone. Or I just can't seem to explain how I feel. I guess maybe some of it is just being an insecure person. There again..Idk, words just evade me.

Grateful and Thankful that you are able to put that, spend your time for me,

Maybe give yourself a chance and try?

Maybe like try what I can do which is to type it out? instead of trying to say it out?

Dont have to type it out for others. More like for yourself kind of thing.

I do it sometimes because I start to doubt what I read. Kind of a, wait did I read that right?" momment. So I go back and re read it 2-3 times

Hmm, re-reading is ok, if it is more of trying to understand better.

But if re-reading for the sake of it will be bad. - Or worse off like me, when I try to find other sources of similar information to "truly" confirm that the source is really what it is trying to say. Then I keep dwelling and dwelling. and there are times where i try to find the "opposite" to have some sense of security.

Yeah and no. It's tiring. But when it gets too bad I can't sit still, so sitting at the computer doesn't work. I've been trying to decide which is worse, the anxiety I get or the depression.

I see, I see. Guess your type is more of an active type.

This might sound stupid, but maybe you intentionally avoid it because it's just what you know. It's, I want to say comfort zone but I know it's not comfortable. It's just what you know, what you're used to.

Most of the time, I not gona lie. It is truly comfort. But then another is also the inability to "accept".

It never hurts to dream. I don't see a whole lot of importance in myself either. I'm just a speck, a blip.

Dreams. Always pushed away by others.

Well that's good, to practice self care.

So you did the red? That's ok, I thought I did something I shouldn't have. You don't have to apologize for it.

I dont know about it (self-care) much.

It is not easy.

No. More like what I was advised/recommended by management/hr to do.

I have not told anyone yet. I wonder what they will think about me. - Being this self-fish.

Take care, be gentle with yourself.

Thank you. You too, twistedsoul

----------------------------------------

2nd Post

----------------------------------------

@mytwistedsoul

I just realized - I should thank you too. I've really been fighting the urge to isolate myself lately. I already don't do as much in here as I used to in the other forums. Talking with you in here keeps me from doing it completely. Thank you!

Haha, welcome.

Almost like kinda a routine check-in.. =.=||

Happy to have some company.

@mytwistedsoul

Hey How are you?

Ok I guess. Kinda exhausted today, but cant seem to rest.

Kinda confused, lost about yesterday.

And today, well I kinda forced myself to do stuffs that are looping in my head.

"worked" in the kitchen almost all morning/afternoon.

I type alot of things out and then delete it. I do that with posts on 7cups too. For some reason I have a problem with seeming weak. I'm not used to being able to go to other people with things. I do I guess what everyone calls journaling. I'd like to get other's input on things sometimes but I can't seem to put it out there for other's to read. Fear of judgement, fear of being vulnerable.

I see. Could it mean that, changing the words, mean that it is not what you might wanna present or share?

Different people different areas of problems? It is ok. Just have to learn, slowly try to overcome it? If it is truly painful and difficult. Then perhaps might have to find other way to help yourself.

Yea, those fears are not easy to overcome. I am struggling with them too. There are times where we "fail" and it is ok to. There are times where we "overcome" it. Which is great. - this makes us human

I'm kind of that way with myself. The isolation thing. If I'm alone, I'm safe. I don't have to worry about saying or doing the wrong thing. I don't have to worry about being hurt.

haha. one thing i learnt/found is that isolation, well I liked it very very much. I yearn for it every single time.

but... there are times, where you need abit of "company" or some sort of interaction.

It's hard, self care, but it can be sort of easy too. It's all about doing what makes you happy, content. At least that's what I got from it. It can be as simple as going for a pleasant walk. Time for yourself. A video game or listening to music. But you have to get some enjoyment from it. So yeah it can be hard. It does seem and feel selfish, but everyone should have "me" time. Part of it is not caring what others think about it. You have to do it for you so that you can be better for others.

What seem to be wrong now is that, no matter how I try. Things I fave before, and also something new. - which categorises under self-care. But i dont seem to be "happy" nor "contented". Its almost felt more like "doing for the sake of checking the checkbox"

Worse off, i seem to "dont mind" helping others. But yet not want to help myself.

About the self-fishness not sure. It just does not feel at ease or norm for me.

I guess it is like a check in. There seems to be some of that lacking in other area's of 7cups, have you noticed? I mean I realize people are busy with outside lives but I've noticed it's gotten worse here in just the short time I've been here.

Haha.

er i dont really get what you mean by lacking.

But the check-ins well.. not sure. I just report in only. But i find myself, repeating most of the times.

Take care, be gentle with yourself

Thanks twistedsoul.

@mytwistedsoul

Sorry to hear that you're exhausted. And can't seem to rest. I know how that is.

It is ok. I managed to sleep abit, after the sweet potatoes.

Now thinking if it is the fault of the potatoes.

Working in the kitchen..cooking? For yourself or just helping with the family meal.

Kinda, tested/wasted some foods. - Some for self. Some I gave to my mum for her colleagues. - But she brought the whole bag back. =.= felt sad and wasted.

I just wanted to seek some "fulfillment" that it is tested and done. - To just have some answers.

Afternoon set was more for mum only. - Since she requested for it.

This might sound weird but there are times I wish I could be anything but human. A nice solid steady rock would be nice. Unfeeling, you know? No worries, just sitting around being content with my rock self. I think I've shared more with you than I have anyone else here. Thank you.

Well, its those kind of times when we just "wished" or "hoped". Oh well.

Maybe a thing to try is to figure out, how or what you can try or do to add/remove to your current to achieve closer/similar to it. Or maybe it is a environment setting or improvement that you can try also.

Yeah I can get too comfortable with my isolation. Before I started coming to 7cups, I went 2 years without really having human companionship. Wow, sounds hard to believe. I only went out for the mail at the post office, but you can go after hours, so no people. The grocery store, there again, later at night there's no one there.

It is. This is what made us human? - Sense of comfort and security

Now I wish I can imagine your place looks like. - Country side?

I wish I dont put restrictions to timings to locations to myself. - Seemed to be very restrictive to myself and cannot do things after certain periods.

Doing it for the sake of saying you did it. It makes you feel good helping other's. I don't know if there's anyway to be able to do that and still be doing self care. Which kind of sucks because as you said it makes you feel good. I saw somewhere, that just sitting somewhere and people watching is self care. Even walking around outside with no shoes on. Even going to a museum. Kind of strange I guess.

Is it...? I can't tell whether if it feels good or bad to me.

But the only satisfication to me is that I did my "workout" for the day. - i.e. like moved/active/exercised enough to feed myself. - Bit kind of a eating disordered mindset of compensation. Although I can think of it another way...

But at least is like i did something than compared to sitting around in front of the computer.

But one more thing though is that, I duno why i can cook for others. But I cant cook for myself. In a sense that I can prepare more "filling" nutritious kind for everyone but I wont spend the energy for self.

I know what you mean about repeating yourself. I think that might be some of the draw for me with wanting to isolate. I keep saying the same things. Tired, depressed, and anxious. I tired of hearing myself say it. So other people must be tired of it too. I wonder what it's like to be a well adjusted, well rounded person.

It does affect one self. and also the "loved" ones that surrounds each of us.

I'm not in a way "tired" of repeating. But I am "tired" - In sense of exhaustion of the same problems day to day.

For the last statement. You know sometimes people suggested to me is - Just don't think. Just try to go around day to day, flowing with nature and being present. - Good enough already.

Try to have a good evening, take care.

Sure. You too.

Just duno why I am feeling guilty for "eating" too much today.

Just wanted to let you know.. trying to processes some things. Things found. not sure what to think. need some time.

@mytwistedsoul

Thought I share.. the rubbishes... stuff that i randomly did.

https://mikenai.wordpress.com/2019/04/25/141-coffee-super/

https://mikenai.wordpress.com/2019/04/25/140-random-things-ive-tried-to-answer-my-clouded-mind/

@mytwistedsoul

Hey How are you?

Just kind of wanted to touch base with you. See how you're doing.

Hi, twistedsoul, i hope you are doing better after yesterday. - Hope i am not triggering anything

I been fighting some thoughts in my head.

But my father came home, which i kinda lost my peacetime at home. Hiaz. Sad. Cant stop thinking about leaving.

I totally regretted not effectively spending my time at home when there was nobody...

Now he's back. and the usual disturbances. Couldn't sleep.

On another topic, Kinda sad, i dont really like about this. Not very happy. Although i kinda craved for it.

Maybe it is time to give the stomach a break.

https://mikenai.wordpress.com/2019/04/26/143-i-was-craving-but-something-felt-wrong-brown-rice-carrot/

I'm sorry you spent all that time and effort on something only to have it returned like that. That's good, hanging with her? Seems like a very nice thing to do.

Its ok. I kinda forget once in a while that they (including father) dont really appreciate it. - At least on the food I made/consume.

My brother who had an opportunity to try my cooking once, at least finished, came over said thanks. and shared some thoughts of his.

Nah, forget about parents. It is time to care for myself. Somehow I have to find some ways to get out of this place. - I wished i could let go and just accept them. But no matter how hard i tried, it is not possible.

Isolation...I have been having some serious issues with this. I just want to keep to myself. It's not healthy, it's not right. But it's what feels comfortable. Trust is being coming a big big problem. And because of not feeling like I can trust anyone, well there's the isolation. I'm just trying to process some things, things I don't understand. Yet, that's the key word. I'll get there eventually.

Hehe. It is not healthy. - to a certain extent.

Great to hear that you are aware and yes it does feels comfortable. But most importantly, is that there is no right or wrong. And maybe it is up to you on how you want to perceive it. Maybe don't fully isolate yourself. Maybe give yourself an opportunity to "air" out by socialising a short while. But when you need the "isolation" or "getaway". Don't restrict yourself of the needs.

Hmm, well if you need the isolation/peace to process stuffs, or personal time to do things. I don't even see anything wrong with it.

Think mountains, not big mountains just right. Tree's everywhere. Whispering pines, that sound so neat when the wind blows through them. Birds everywhere, squirrels, deer. Saw som turkeys the other day. And the hummingbirds are back. https://imgur.com/user/mytwistedsoul

just some pictures of things around the place and stuff I waste my time on. Welcome to my world.

Wow. Sounds like you have access to great nature place.

Sorry, the url linked to a empty profile page.

By the way, the word "waste" may be something you felt. But actually, it is in a way some kind of self-care, probably because it is what you wanna do.

Perhaps you may not have felt it is helping or what. But actually, it is in a way.

Idk, if you can cook for others , do you feel a sense of happiness, contentment? If you do that's a good thing, isn't it? Maybe you don't feel that you're worth the time? Self worth I guess. I know the feeling.

Not really happiness. More like a "good job", you made them satisfied/happy, they worked so hard and tired. Just help them out abit. Sometimes felt like a sense of "completion", and that I have helped them. Sometimes or most of the times, i kept feeling like i need a workout, or a time dragger so i can truly focus on food later. I duno why i kept having the thoughts of such that has to be related to food, timings, need to workout for food, etc. very very bad fuel for ED thoughts.

Sadly and Yes, I felt like time is wasted. And worse off that when my stuffs are not appreciated but rather critised of. If it is a genuine mistake i can understand. Anyways, i also slowly learned that I cannot satisfy everyone's tastes. Some prefer this, some prefer that. So yea.

Being present has been another issue. And just don't think...lol how can someone not think. Then I overthink it and then think of it in different ways. There's no not thinking.

It is. not possible. Those talk videos said, if you are not thinking -> you are probably dead. =.=||

Well yea, the brain is probably confused and "multi-tasking" in its way.

Often I been recommended to learn/try to notice the excessive thoughts, watch them, but dont feed/process them. Breathe in/Breathe out, slowly pick and work on one at a time if it requires your attention. - Most importantly is also something that can be addressed. Not those that cannot be fixed which results in rumination.

I'm sorry you feel guilty that you ate too much. I hope you don't now anymore.

It is ok... I dont know the linkages of it, but some said things like

- eat too much, because the body felt it is not taking in enough calories

- eat too much, because extreme hunger (ED)

- eat too much, because over exercise/workout/day activities

- eat too much, because of insufficient rest/spent too much time awake

Thanks for the links...I've never heard of Suzuki coffee. It's gotta be way better than instant.

Bean/Ground coffee is definitely better. Even better if you have proper machines to extract the flavour.

Just that I dont have the tools, and it certainly costs which is a heavy investment.

In my lifestyle, and "work" (if i dont get fired), it is difficult to prepare them.

Hence instant soluble types are generally better, easier to store/pack/manage.

- sad fact of life

- otherwise just buy from coffee shops which uses ground coffee. however those are usually buttered and some even "sugarised"

How did the oils work for you?

I'm abit puzzled and lost with it.

Somehow both smell'ed the same. Not sure if i am using it wrongly.

Maybe need those machines or burn through a candle.

I find and learn that I cannot tolerate them for long. As in if the smell keeps coming in to my system.

So in a way... maybe it is also good that i did not invest in those diffuser units. Although it seems to be a beter option as it regulates the smell properly at intervals.

Take care, yeah? Be gentle with yourself.

Hiaz... With my father. I doubt i can think of anything straight.

With no one around at home, i felt at ease. Made food as/when i wanted, walked freely at home, dont have to shut doors, etc...