Lost
[+/-] I think I'm done.
[-] Nothing seems to work.
[+] I am living someone else's life.
[-] Never once mine.
[+] Everything is processed by the brain.
[-] None by the heart.
[+] Even this post. The way I write... somehow must rhyme.
[-] Hiaz, Why am I this way.
[+] What did I do wrongly in the first place.
[-] Oh well, forget about it. Who cares.
@mytwistedsoul
I did notice, but I just wanted to let you know that you can if you want. Or not. Either is ok. I'm the same way at times. Just not much for socializing. But then other times it seems I never shut up.
i'm easily read as an open book i guess - as always
okays, i'll take note.
sometimes, i just felt the "constriction. like i have to do this, otherwise i am wrong, or vice versa. which is kinda irritating. but then you also know the stress or influence might just come from sources like social media or self generated random thoughts.
I think it is also "kinda" the same for your case? whether you want to talk or not, or if you keep on talking. - there is no right or wrong.
They care for you, it's understandable. I imagine it's frustrating for them to feel as though they can't help, when they care for you.
it does hurt. and i have been fighting with myself.
You wear your heart on your sleeve. I do sometimes, other times it's hidden. I try to think things through before acting, but I do get impulsive at times. And act without thinking.
I see, I see.
Good that you are aware of yourself.
Hey no problem, when ever you're ready or if you don't want to at all.
I appreciate it.
It's good your cough is better. The sore throat is puzzleing. I kind of think it must be the environment. With the dust and the smoke.
Duno, i haven't been able to get a clean place to "stay" for long enough to find out. if it is really the environment to blame. most of the areas that i am exposed to, work, home, travelling through and fro home/work is bad.
Did the yoga go better with the intensity raised? When you jog, does the pain start right away or does it take a while to build up? Sorry, questions..
Aye? dont worry about questions. Here goes my replies~~
Well, my workout (run/chinup/yoga/pushup) depends. (It is kinda puzzling to me) I haven't been able to get a consistent workout results for quite sometime. other than chinup which has been greatly worsening each time
For jogging, it was immediate. - its like the feeling that something is not right. Not really the feeling of stitch, because for that it is easily tellable and it slowly goes away later. plus i dont really drink alot before a run.
I'm not really used to people being concerned, not about me anyway. Just the way it is. Thank you though, it's something I'll have to keep in mind.
Thanks, take care.
Perhaps its the way of our thinking? - Likewise for mine. Its like we keep registering as we are trying but accidentally overlooked.
Rest well twistedsoul. Dont be so hard on yourself.
@mikenai22 Hey how are you?
Kind of like an uncomfortable silence, at least that what comes to mind for me. You have to say something..anything because it's too quiet. But then other times,idk - the silence is just too comfortable. There are times when I go days without actually talking to anyone, yeah I talk to the dogs. I "talk" online. But that's it.
I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't have said anything. I just think it's really nice that, well, the whole family love thing. It's nice. Be proud of it, cherish it.
Could you wear like a light dust mask? At least maybe at home. They usually aren't that expensive, I thinkyou can get a box of 50 disposible ones for like 5 bucks. It would be something to at least think about, if it helps great, if not you're not out a whole lot. Just an idea.
How much have you changed your eating? I know you were having a hard time with portions and just not really wanting to eat. Could that be what's affecting your energy/ stamina levels.
That's the only time it hurts? Is it on spacific side? What if you put pressure on it?
OMG it's like 20 questions! Sorry
I kind of think, sometimes, that it's because we don't care and just figure or assume that no one else should or would.
Take care of yourself, be gentle
@mytwistedsoul
Hey how are you?
Havent been sleeping much.
Cant really sleep.
<I'm gona skip the regular issues, i.e. exercises, sore throats, etc.>
In addition, as of recent. I am starting to notice something very wrong. - I know it is a sign and related to depression.
It appears that I am wasting alot of my time/life. - Constantly ruminating, thinking, wasting time about what to do in life. Like there is nothing that i want to do, duno what i truly want, got something to do but yet dont want to/cant justify for it kind of. I already wasted my "good friday" holiday. - oh well nothing new. has been for awhile already
Kind of like an uncomfortable silence, at least that what comes to mind for me. You have to say something..anything because it's too quiet. But then other times,idk - the silence is just too comfortable. There are times when I go days without actually talking to anyone, yeah I talk to the dogs. I "talk" online. But that's it.
Actually I kinda like the silence. It feels much more comfortable to sit and linger around.
Its almost like you sit in a "cafe" environment, and listening to your surroundings.
Unlike in a home/office setting, where you just hear very "clear/loud" distinct noises which is very distracting.
Wow, you have pets? - Envy. Though I always wanted, but I dont think i can commit well/plus parents dont truly like them either. Anyways, i cant even take good care of myself in the first place.
I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't have said anything. I just think it's really nice that, well, the whole family love thing. It's nice. Be proud of it, cherish it.
Hey, its ok. Dont be.
Something in me, just dont really like it. Dont appreciate it, and not feeling grateful for.
Could you wear like a light dust mask? At least maybe at home. They usually aren't that expensive, I thinkyou can get a box of 50 disposible ones for like 5 bucks. It would be something to at least think about, if it helps great, if not you're not out a whole lot. Just an idea.
Does'nt it feel awkwardly wrong to do that? Its like you know our own home, and yet have to result in doing this kind of things. Its like we are holding our shields against each other - <As a family. Must things be/end up this way?> I really despise closing/shutting of doors. It just does not feel right. Unfortunately when my brother practised it. I gave in and started it. Now in addition, I even went the extra mile, bought door gap sealer tapes just to seal off gaps - from noise and smoke.
But then, well - I'll think about the mask. - N95 or something i believe its called here.
How much have you changed your eating? I know you were having a hard time with portions and just not really wanting to eat. Could that be what's affecting your energy/ stamina levels.
Not much.
I'm still like eating puree'ed meals - Usually baked to make it "cakey/gooey/bready" kind of texture
Otherwise its oatmeal or whole foods (i.e. sweet potato, garden peas, chickpea, tempeh)
Fruits... majorly, apples, oranges, bananas
Vegetables are usually in the puree'ed meals - To hope i have better digestion - Vegetarian/Vegan/Plant-based diet is truly exhaustive. - Somehow something is telling/disturbing/not wanting me to like/consume meat related stuffs anymore.
I understand that it could be related to energy/stamina.
But rather what is confusing is the meal timings, portions (sometimes alot/little), painful bloat/digestions/spams/cramps for same or different or random meals.
Sometimes i can feel very hungry, but cant truly eat. But sometimes i am not hungry, but can eat humomus amount. - Totally lost.
That's the only time it hurts? Is it on spacific side? What if you put pressure on it?
Yes, right side mid-section from my view.
Never really tried. Will monitor tomorrow.
OMG it's like 20 questions! Sorry
???
I kind of think, sometimes, that it's because we don't care and just figure or assume that no one else should or would.
Take care of yourself, be gentle
Its ok. - Maybe we forget, overlooked, regardless accident or whatever reasons. Just dont be so hard.
Thanks twistedsoul. You too take care.
- By the way, I kinda noticed that I have been... kinda selffish? I never once asked about you. i.e. "How are you, twistedsoul"
@mikenai22
I'm sorry to hear you're not sleeping the best. That is something I can relate to. And depression. I've been dealing with that for a little bit. I actually thought it felt better than the anxiety I usually have all the time. But then my thoughts took a dark turn. So I'm not too happy with the depression at the moment.
I like silence too sometimes, unfortunately it never truely quiet in my mind.
2 dogs and a stray cat that showed up a few months ago. They help keep me responsible. And out of trouble sometimes because I have to stop and think - "what about the dogs?"
Do you think it's because, idk, you have to take their feelings and concerns into account? You know what I mean?
Yeah it does seem like you shouldn't have to do that. Unless your dad would maybe just smoke outside? Which I'm sure you here, my house- my rules. Maybe not. Like I said it's just something to think about. Just to see if you could maybe help rule out environmental stuff.
Could it just be, idk, gas? I'm not sure what to do for that.
It's not your appendix or gallbladder, I know the gall bladder can cause alot of trouble. But I think maybe the appendix one doesn't come and go. I'll have to give it some thought.
Oh sorry, the twenty questions was just, I had rapid fire questions all in a row. Sorry about that.
To be honest I never really gave it much thought. Other than I didn't have to give an answer for it. Because it changes so much through out the day. I can be fine one minute and not so fine the next. But today, right at this moment, I'm doing ok. Thank you for asking.
Try to have a good weekend, take care and be gentle with yourself.
@mytwistedsoul
I'm sorry to hear you're not sleeping the best. That is something I can relate to. And depression. I've been dealing with that for a little bit. I actually thought it felt better than the anxiety I usually have all the time. But then my thoughts took a dark turn. So I'm not too happy with the depression at the moment.
It is ok. I understand the possibility and reasons.
Actually mine was not about "thoughts" but kinda the lost and obession with hunger or something or toilet to pee.
And it was kind of warm/dry last evening.
Sounds like you are feeling low. Good to hear on your well awareness. Please do keep a lookout and take care when necessary.
I like silence too sometimes, unfortunately it never truely quiet in my mind.
It is. Sometimes we often forget simplicity its at best.
2 dogs and a stray cat that showed up a few months ago. They help keep me responsible. And out of trouble sometimes because I have to stop and think - "what about the dogs?"
oh...? i see. Wow, that is very nice and kind of you twistedsoul
Do you think it's because, idk, you have to take their feelings and concerns into account? You know what I mean?
It is. You know the saying - You should not give a "..." about what others think of you? And also the you should put your own self/priorities first than others? Do not allow other's thoughts and words affect you and your emotions.
I seem to be always forgeting about them, not truly practising it. And constantly felt being burdened and overwhelmed by it.
I am oftened being reminded by others be aware of it, and to take greater self-care. - Yet i still cant help it
Yeah it does seem like you shouldn't have to do that. Unless your dad would maybe just smoke outside? Which I'm sure you here, my house- my rules. Maybe not. Like I said it's just something to think about. Just to see if you could maybe help rule out environmental stuff.
Guess this is life. The way of life.
But sure, i defintely understand and take in your recommendation.
If i am not wrong, way before all this happened to me. One of my colleagues did shared something similar before.
Could it just be, idk, gas? I'm not sure what to do for that.
Perhaps.
It's not your appendix or gallbladder, I know the gall bladder can cause alot of trouble. But I think maybe the appendix one doesn't come and go. I'll have to give it some thought.
No... please dont. that seriously is bad stuff and news. The surgery and stuffs is going to hurt.
Oh sorry, the twenty questions was just, I had rapid fire questions all in a row. Sorry about that.
Wow. I wonder how you managed it.
To be honest I never really gave it much thought. Other than I didn't have to give an answer for it. Because it changes so much through out the day. I can be fine one minute and not so fine the next. But today, right at this moment, I'm doing ok. Thank you for asking.
Apologises. But thank you for comprehending and understanding.
The fine for one moment and not the other. I guess it is totally related to depression symptoms? - From what i read and learnt at least.
Try to have a good weekend, take care and be gentle with yourself.
Thank you.
But 2-3 hours ago and now kind not feeling well suddenly. Favourite sweet potato was so hard to swallow and felt very nauseated. Did not finish, rested for 2-3 hours. Woke up hungry, chewed the apple still did not feel good.
I hope this feeling goes away soon.
@mikenai22 Hey How are you?
Was a low, now my anxiety is going nuts. It's crazy how it seems to just go back and forth all the time.
See now I get mixed signals from the whole not giving a d*mn. Because you hear that but then you have to be conciderate of other people. And it's usually worse if it's family. Maybe that's just me.
Damn, sorry I didn't think. I shouldn't have said anything.
Are you feeling better?
Take care
@mytwistedsoul
Hello twisted soul
Hey How are you?
To be frank, I do not know how to answer this question properly.
But if it is for today.
Well, my mind was already cluttered with the mental pain and burden, and the stupid wasted weekend holiday.
Then suddenly this morning... I thought of hoping to clear up some matters with my management.
But instead, I got an unexpected message from them instead.
I shared the same thoughts here
Was a low, now my anxiety is going nuts. It's crazy how it seems to just go back and forth all the time.
oh my. should it happens again, remember to pause and breathe. When senses are clearer or calmer, then to continue what you are doing. Especially when you are busy at your woodwork.
it is and usually if habitual, might even caught you by surprise.
See now I get mixed signals from the whole not giving a d*mn. Because you hear that but then you have to be conciderate of other people. And it's usually worse if it's family. Maybe that's just me.
=.= its ok. Treat it as i am just "ranting" or "sharing" or "just journaling" - It is ok even if you read or dont read. Don't hav to feel obliged to reply.
Neither nor the entire post.
-------
Like mentioned, perhaps its the way my upbringing had shaped how my mind thinks of today.
Morals. This is right. That is wrong. - Do wrong, get punishment.
Damn, sorry I didn't think. I shouldn't have said anything.
Nah, dont worry about it.
Are you feeling better?
Take care
To be honest, it (sore throat, bloat, cramp, sleep, etc.) comes and goes. I am a little sick and tired of it.
About the self-care thing. I'm just gona finish that last bit of cereal, and not gona buy it again.
Anyways, it is in the processed food section. - Waste of my money, thinking that i'll get my vitamins from it. End up placing more pain only.
Will look out for myself. You too take care.
@mikenai22 Hey wow, sounds serious. I hope it's nothing too bad. Just remember I'm here if you need to vent.
Oh man cereal? It would've been a nice change with the crunch and all but yeah I imagine that would scratch your throat all up.
Yeah I usually have to walk away from the wood work for a little until I can get the anxiety to calm down a little. I hate that stuck on vibrate phone thing, that's what I call it anyway.
Now I sent you mixed signals. Because I meant just people in general, not you. I always read your posts, it just takes me a bit sometimes. So feel free to rant, rave, vent.
It does get tiring, I get sick and tired of feeling the way I do too. It's kind of a shame though with the cereal. Because it does sound like a kind of nice self care treat. Like they say about the chocolate. I'm sorry it didn't go as planned for you.
Try to be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. I know how I would feel if I were in your position. Just remember, you can vent here, so don't, you know, do anything rash.
Take care, yeah?
@mytwistedsoul
Hey wow, sounds serious. I hope it's nothing too bad. Just remember I'm here if you need to vent.
Guess no more hiding. It is about my job.
Not gona vent. But I'm just gona plate the truth.
It is at stake. In a nutshell, company's concerned for my well being and also in a professional role, I have to decide between recovery (Choosing Therapy + Fattening Medications) or employment termination.
Reason it went to this state, was because of the failure of medical review.
Oh man cereal? It would've been a nice change with the crunch and all but yeah I imagine that would scratch your throat all up.
It is. I give up. Almost finishing soon. Then the nightmare will be over.
Plus soy milk also. It kinda chugs my stomach and it does not bode/feels good.
Vegetarians, Vegans or whatever recommendation sources "recommended" such "fortified" foods to get nurtition/vitamins if we do not wish to supplement via supplements. - Please do not take this as an insult or blame to the community. I am just quoting from reference source/information from the internet.
Yeah I usually have to walk away from the wood work for a little until I can get the anxiety to calm down a little. I hate that stuck on vibrate phone thing, that's what I call it anyway.
Good to hear that you are in control at times. Do keep it up.
Stuck on vibrate. Interesting nick name.
(Just sharing) My phone ever since i made the tough call, decided, bought and despise it. It never and hardly was on ringer/vibration mode. Had always been on "DND" or Do Not Disturb mode. Only my mum's contact has been set for emergency ring/vibration.
Now I sent you mixed signals. Because I meant just people in general, not you. I always read your posts, it just takes me a bit sometimes. So feel free to rant, rave, vent.
Ah. Okays. Good.
It does get tiring, I get sick and tired of feeling the way I do too. It's kind of a shame though with the cereal. Because it does sound like a kind of nice self care treat. Like they say about the chocolate. I'm sorry it didn't go as planned for you.
Its ok. I'd never liked it. Its like a craving that becomes a regret later on.
Why kill myself or hurt myself for it.
Not worth it.
I rather make "healthier" treats that I can savour/enjoy. and not suffer the pain.
- the only thing i hate is that i always have to pay the penalty. Either monetary, calories, lethargic, time, preparation, digestion, etc.
Try to be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. I know how I would feel if I were in your position. Just remember, you can vent here, so don't, you know, do anything rash.
Take care, yeah?
Hiaz. I understand. Will keep in mind. Especially with something kinda long term decision to make.
@mikenai22 Oh man that, well, that really sucks. I'm sorry it got to that. I mean it's nice that they're concerned about your well being up at the same time..
I've never tried soy milk or almond milk. It just sounds...wrong. Idk, you can't get milk from a plant. But that's just what I think. Just a daily multivitamin here. It's just easier.
Thanks, it's hard some days. That's just the best way for me to describe the anxiety I get. Jittery, everything just shakes, quivers, makes me feel like I want to crawl out of my skin.
I don't use my phone much either. No one hardly calls, not that it matters, because I don't answer it. It's just mainly for emergencies.
Do you like zucchini bread? or banana bread? Or even like muffins? Something that could be easy to make, you could adjust the ingredients, to leave out certain things. But it would still be healthy. I mean anything that has zucchini in it has to be good for you, because plain that stuff is nasty.
I only say that because I know how I feel and how I can react if I feel trapped. I know you're facing a tough decision at the moment. I know it's something you're facing on your own, but you're not alone. I'm sure they have good intentions and mean well. You can do this, Mike, even if it feel you can't.
@mytwistedsoul
Oh man that, well, that really sucks. I'm sorry it got to that. I mean it's nice that they're concerned about your well being up at the same time..
Certainly does. I don't think it is alright to reply with "it is ok" - Because it certainly does not look ok. I never ever wanted things to end this way. Plus its my first job. 5 year plus of service and it resulted this way.
To be honest, the company/corporate is very generous and kind to have kept me for so long. Imagine if it is others, I would have I lost the job way back.
Many had commented on my stupidility/stubborn-ness on not accepting and not grateful of the gracious-ness of the management and company.
I've never tried soy milk or almond milk. It just sounds...wrong. Idk, you can't get milk from a plant. But that's just what I think. Just a daily multivitamin here. It's just easier.
It's commonly referred as "non-dairy" milk - Recommended for plant-based diet or those who are dairy-intolerant
Or those who "claims" dairy - Unhealthy, despite all the benefits from it. I shall not debate. It just never ends.
About vitamins, i duno, reports here and there saying to not consume them, over-rely or try unless you are truly deficient.
Although it felt "safer" to be on the just in case side. Not very sure... Too much information on the internet.
Thanks, it's hard some days. That's just the best way for me to describe the anxiety I get. Jittery, everything just shakes, quivers, makes me feel like I want to crawl out of my skin.
I can comtemplate the feeling. - Cause i feel it at times.
I don't use my phone much either. No one hardly calls, not that it matters, because I don't answer it. It's just mainly for emergencies.
Same. Likewise.
My phone usually get texts for negative matters - Medical Appointments, Office problems, faults, bills, etc.
Do you like zucchini bread? or banana bread? Or even like muffins? Something that could be easy to make, you could adjust the ingredients, to leave out certain things. But it would still be healthy. I mean anything that has zucchini in it has to be good for you, because plain that stuff is nasty.
I tried before, it turned out abit on the wet side - Zucchini Bread
https://mikenai.wordpress.com/?s=Zucchini
The thing about banana bread - Its not like i dont like them. But everyone kept saying "stay within your limits". Eat too much, becames heavy calorific. =.= How to eat... hiaz.
Muffins, well, kinda. Similarly super calorific, But same, they just say, processed food. Refined flour, spike your blood sugar, hence food coma. Its like almost everything they have a fault to find. And blame me for all the problems i am facing.
Hence all the food/puree/dough/cakey/bready stuff i make now high chance will include a vegetable. Otherwise i feel like very out of place. - People just simply comment that i dont eat the correct food. etc.
Not saying that the food is not healthy or what per se. But its rather that my mind is utterly confused. - Perhaps i put too much thought to what others say.
Zucchini well, it has its benefits. However i think it is the same as cucumber. Mostly water. And it just a stomach filler.
Some/Most vegetarians/vegans/plant-based eater i believe they trained well enough for their stomach to take in huge amount of food (over time)
Somehow, I kept "craving" for food, but i cant stomach so much. plus the fear of calories, digestion, etc... only made things worse.
I only say that because I know how I feel and how I can react if I feel trapped. I know you're facing a tough decision at the moment. I know it's something you're facing on your own, but you're not alone. I'm sure they have good intentions and mean well. You can do this, Mike, even if it feel you can't.
I know they mean well. But its like i feel very "alone" in the battle, and do not have a "partner" to fight along the battle with me. I don't wish to battle this in the hospital environment, nor caged in the isolated ward.
I'm not some sort of pig (no offense to them) that just stays in a place to be fed. I'm not some robot to be re-programmed but some "because it is good for you" just because I am not thinking "civil" correct way.
@mikenai22 No it's definitely all right to reply that it's not ok. Because it's not ok. I can only imagine how you must feel about this. I agree that it's nice that they have worked with you on this but still..Idk, I guess if it has made work a harder to accomplish.
Yeah the eternal debate of what others feel is right or wrong. It never does end. Way too much conflicting stuff on the internet, in the news, in books, everywhere.
Anxiety sucks. I mean it REALLY sucks.
That's my phone too. Appointments, bills, people I have no desire to talk to.
I remember seeing it on on your word press, now that I think about it. Sorry, I didn't think,(again) about the caloric content of the stuff I'm suggesting. I guess I was looking more at the ease of making it. So I had another thought, if the sugars are high, what about things that are aimed towards diabetics? It would keep the sugar down and possibly the calories. Man I hope I'm not fueling something else by suggesting that.
I'm sorry, you must feel very alone in this right now. Like you said, I'm sure they do mean well, but this is a hard position for you to be in. Is there a way that they can see you get help, but that it doesn't require you to be locked up? Something like middle ground? I mean you've got to do what you've got to do but there must be some way to keep everyone happy to some extent.
Take care...I know that sounds weak probably, or maybe lame is the word. Just...be gentle with yourself.
@mytwistedsoul
No it's definitely all right to reply that it's not ok. Because it's not ok. I can only imagine how you must feel about this. I agree that it's nice that they have worked with you on this but still..Idk, I guess if it has made work a harder to accomplish.
I never thought of that before. - In yellow
Thank you for opening me up to learn about really letting the truth out instead of consealing to self.
Well... it turns out they wanted me to really spend some quality time for myself. - STRICTLY OR MYSELF AND MYSELF ONLY.
I should not be answerable to anyone. But to myself only.
Yeah the eternal debate of what others feel is right or wrong. It never does end. Way too much conflicting stuff on the internet, in the news, in books, everywhere.
Guess i should really weane off from it. It just seems to be harmful only.
Looking at the past, the history, the times that I have been spending as compared to the past on how i depended on the internet. - The mindset and usage and style has totally changed. and I believe it is for the "worse" only.
Anxiety sucks. I mean it REALLY sucks.
That's my phone too. Appointments, bills, people I have no desire to talk to.
I know. I felt before too. I dont like the adrenline rush. - It only rushes things, makes things confusing and stuffs gets done illogically.
I remember seeing it on on your word press, now that I think about it. Sorry, I didn't think,(again) about the caloric content of the stuff I'm suggesting. I guess I was looking more at the ease of making it. So I had another thought, if the sugars are high, what about things that are aimed towards diabetics? It would keep the sugar down and possibly the calories. Man I hope I'm not fueling something else by suggesting that.
Wow... you managed to surf so far down the posts? I'm impressed, thanks for spending time.
Why sorry, dont be twisted soul. - It is ok. To be bluntly honest, I should be the one that should train myself to accept "them"
Otherwise, I will forever be trapped in my own world. Unable to take a step forward to society. - Where there will be parts of community that "talks" about this topic.
Well, yes, ease definitely. Plus my favourite way of "preparing" - just puree everything, and bak/steam/microwave it off.
I tried before actually. More focus on Low FODMAP, etc. Solid food, dont puree which results in increasing the GI load. Plus I am not a great fan of sugar, even fruits i find them sweet. But not much choice. If i kept eliminating, I have nothing left... Plus fruits are kinda expensive. Even carbohydrates some claims that it is sugar in another form, which.. is bad... Furthermore sometimes i do not know if the "sugar" is the cause of the bloat/cramp stuffs.
Nah dont worry about suggestions, I'm listening. Just that how i interpret and process is another. Which i should learn to manage and get hold of.
Although plant based diet - usually like to recommend stuffs like banana, dates, etc. which i find it rather puzzling. it is all the sugary/sweet stuff
I'm sorry, you must feel very alone in this right now. Like you said, I'm sure they do mean well, but this is a hard position for you to be in. Is there a way that they can see you get help, but that it doesn't require you to be locked up? Something like middle ground? I mean you've got to do what you've got to do but there must be some way to keep everyone happy to some extent.
(work) It is. But after speaking with them just now. They are truly trying their best to help me. Unless it is so bad or till a point where they feel that it is not possible anymore, and have to stand by company policies they still have to follow by the guidelines. Otherwise it is unfair to everyone.
(medical) No. They dont have that option. Unless they see that my vitals/senses/mentality is in order or qualifys for it. But based on past experience and discussion. I doubt it is even negotiable.
Hence my mum, kept hoping/repeating to me that she hopes for me to get out of it myself. and don't keep thinking about the options provided by psych's. Otherwise it is very painful...
Take care...I know that sounds weak probably, or maybe lame is the word. Just...be gentle with yourself.
Hey, not weak nor lame. (The one's weak/lame in life is me...)
More importantly is the constant reminder (which takes effort from you - that i cant repay... either), that i should be gentle.
Imagine if you did not remind me.
I probably somewhere else, dwelling, forgetting, wasting time again.
@mikenai22 You're welcome, but I didn't really do anything. We're just talking and I've been asking you like a million questions. Sometimes it just takes a little to be able to start to open up. Some people don't realize that it can take time to understand someone's postion. Sometimes you just can't jump into things, you have to ease in to it.
It's confusing, the conflict and contradictions you read online. There's never a good simple answer.
Not much sleeping going on. And if the anxiety says not to talk to people and it won't let me do anything work wise. I have to find other ways to keep busy, or I end up pacing or walking. So, I check out things.
Maybe if it's a natural sugar like in fruits it's not as bad?
Well hopefully, this is maybe like a wake up call for you? Sorry that sounds kind of harsh.
I don't think you're lame or weak. It seems to me that you are trying. I mean you admit to your faults and acknowledge where the problems are, you just have to get a little more control on it and take back your life. But you are trying. It doesn't take much effort on my part to remind you to be gentle to yourself. You're important, way more important than any effort I've made. I'm just trying to get you to see that. No repayment is ever needed or necessary , just you getting yourself in a better spot would be enough.
@mytwistedsoul
You're welcome, but I didn't really do anything. We're just talking and I've been asking you like a million questions. Sometimes it just takes a little to be able to start to open up. Some people don't realize that it can take time to understand someone's postion. Sometimes you just can't jump into things, you have to ease in to it.
Well, look at the amount of replies and effort you have made for me. 2 pages already? - Think we might even have talked more than what a psychologist could have spent
It is, my stubborn-ness and "not tunnel vision" but lope-sided view sometimes only places more burdens and pressures. Without me noticing.
Thanks for easing in for me. - Guessing it wasn't easy for you.
It's confusing, the conflict and contradictions you read online. There's never a good simple answer.
It is why, I am kinda in a lost mode.
But yet often I find myself going back and "searching" more trying to find something - to console myself? or at least say that "hey" you are ok? or you are not ok.
Not much sleeping going on. And if the anxiety says not to talk to people and it won't let me do anything work wise. I have to find other ways to keep busy, or I end up pacing or walking. So, I check out things.
oh my. but if you can find something. I guess it is good?
just try not to be like myself, where i just dwell. it is not healthy. worse off stuck in a loop of mindless internet surfing or youtube for answers.
Maybe if it's a natural sugar like in fruits it's not as bad?
It is supposed to be "better" - subject to some of the discussions raised.
But then again, some of them started claiming that sugar end of the day is still sugar.
Yes we humans need it to "survive" by using it as a energy source.
(So yea, all the confusing and fuel to the burning raging fire that I am already in)
Well hopefully, this is maybe like a wake up call for you? Sorry that sounds kind of harsh.
Kinda.
Perhaps.
Maybe my last chance.
I don't think you're lame or weak. It seems to me that you are trying. I mean you admit to your faults and acknowledge where the problems are, you just have to get a little more control on it and take back your life. But you are trying.
Many highlighted about the little things - to open me, to show me that I am "trying" but i seemed to not notice them. it could also be that my mind "intentionally" avoided it. or mis-viewed it.
The control or learnt behaviour is probably what that is directing it to a negativity manner. (i.e. like how you manage your anxiety by trying to do something else)
It doesn't take much effort on my part to remind you to be gentle to yourself. You're important, way more important than any effort I've made. I'm just trying to get you to see that. No repayment is ever needed or necessary , just you getting yourself in a better spot would be enough.
Guess I did not noticed that.
Whether or not i can or cannot get myself to a better spot.
Well I can only wonder for now.
Should I dream for it? - I duno.
I only got 1 main message from yesterday's talk to HR. - SELF-CARE and for myself and myself only. Others will/can wait for now.
I apologise for the red font.
@mikenai22
It's easy for me to talk to you about your problems. I just wish I could be as open about my own. Idk, I try but the words just sort of disappear. Poof - gone. Or I just can't seem to explain how I feel. I guess maybe some of it is just being an insecure person. There again..Idk, words just evade me.
I do it sometimes because I start to doubt what I read. Kind of a, wait did I read that right?" momment. So I go back and re read it 2-3 times
Yeah and no. It's tiring. But when it gets too bad I can't sit still, so sitting at the computer doesn't work. I've been trying to decide which is worse, the anxiety I get or the depression.
This might sound stupid, but maybe you intentionally avoid it because it's just what you know. It's, I want to say comfort zone but I know it's not comfortable. It's just what you know, what you're used to.
It never hurts to dream. I don't see a whole lot of importance in myself either. I'm just a speck, a blip.
Well that's good, to practice self care.
So you did the red? That's ok, I thought I did something I shouldn't have. You don't have to apologize for it.
Take care, be gentle with yourself.
@mikenai22 I just realized - I should thank you too. I've really been fighting the urge to isolate myself lately. I already don't do as much in here as I used to in the other forums. Talking with you in here keeps me from doing it completely. Thank you!
Second Post
@mytwistedsoul
something took another turn - unexpected event.
I don't know if it is good or bad news.
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1st Post
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@mytwistedsoul
It's easy for me to talk to you about your problems. I just wish I could be as open about my own. Idk, I try but the words just sort of disappear. Poof - gone. Or I just can't seem to explain how I feel. I guess maybe some of it is just being an insecure person. There again..Idk, words just evade me.
Grateful and Thankful that you are able to put that, spend your time for me,
Maybe give yourself a chance and try?
Maybe like try what I can do which is to type it out? instead of trying to say it out?
Dont have to type it out for others. More like for yourself kind of thing.
I do it sometimes because I start to doubt what I read. Kind of a, wait did I read that right?" momment. So I go back and re read it 2-3 times
Hmm, re-reading is ok, if it is more of trying to understand better.
But if re-reading for the sake of it will be bad. - Or worse off like me, when I try to find other sources of similar information to "truly" confirm that the source is really what it is trying to say. Then I keep dwelling and dwelling. and there are times where i try to find the "opposite" to have some sense of security.
Yeah and no. It's tiring. But when it gets too bad I can't sit still, so sitting at the computer doesn't work. I've been trying to decide which is worse, the anxiety I get or the depression.
I see, I see. Guess your type is more of an active type.
This might sound stupid, but maybe you intentionally avoid it because it's just what you know. It's, I want to say comfort zone but I know it's not comfortable. It's just what you know, what you're used to.
Most of the time, I not gona lie. It is truly comfort. But then another is also the inability to "accept".
It never hurts to dream. I don't see a whole lot of importance in myself either. I'm just a speck, a blip.
Dreams. Always pushed away by others.
Well that's good, to practice self care.
So you did the red? That's ok, I thought I did something I shouldn't have. You don't have to apologize for it.
I dont know about it (self-care) much.
It is not easy.
No. More like what I was advised/recommended by management/hr to do.
I have not told anyone yet. I wonder what they will think about me. - Being this self-fish.
Take care, be gentle with yourself.
Thank you. You too, twistedsoul
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2nd Post
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@mytwistedsoul
I just realized - I should thank you too. I've really been fighting the urge to isolate myself lately. I already don't do as much in here as I used to in the other forums. Talking with you in here keeps me from doing it completely. Thank you!
Haha, welcome.
Almost like kinda a routine check-in.. =.=||
Happy to have some company.
@mikenai22 Hey How are you?
I type alot of things out and then delete it. I do that with posts on 7cups too. For some reason I have a problem with seeming weak. I'm not used to being able to go to other people with things. I do I guess what everyone calls journaling. I'd like to get other's input on things sometimes but I can't seem to put it out there for other's to read. Fear of judgement, fear of being vulnerable.
I'm kind of that way with myself. The isolation thing. If I'm alone, I'm safe. I don't have to worry about saying or doing the wrong thing. I don't have to worry about being hurt.
It's hard, self care, but it can be sort of easy too. It's all about doing what makes you happy, content. At least that's what I got from it. It can be as simple as going for a pleasant walk. Time for yourself. A video game or listening to music. But you have to get some enjoyment from it. So yeah it can be hard. It does seem and feel selfish, but everyone should have "me" time. Part of it is not caring what others think about it. You have to do it for you so that you can be better for others.
I guess it is like a check in. There seems to be some of that lacking in other area's of 7cups, have you noticed? I mean I realize people are busy with outside lives but I've noticed it's gotten worse here in just the short time I've been here.
Take care, be gentle with yourself
@mytwistedsoul
Hey How are you?
Ok I guess. Kinda exhausted today, but cant seem to rest.
Kinda confused, lost about yesterday.
And today, well I kinda forced myself to do stuffs that are looping in my head.
"worked" in the kitchen almost all morning/afternoon.
I type alot of things out and then delete it. I do that with posts on 7cups too. For some reason I have a problem with seeming weak. I'm not used to being able to go to other people with things. I do I guess what everyone calls journaling. I'd like to get other's input on things sometimes but I can't seem to put it out there for other's to read. Fear of judgement, fear of being vulnerable.
I see. Could it mean that, changing the words, mean that it is not what you might wanna present or share?
Different people different areas of problems? It is ok. Just have to learn, slowly try to overcome it? If it is truly painful and difficult. Then perhaps might have to find other way to help yourself.
Yea, those fears are not easy to overcome. I am struggling with them too. There are times where we "fail" and it is ok to. There are times where we "overcome" it. Which is great. - this makes us human
I'm kind of that way with myself. The isolation thing. If I'm alone, I'm safe. I don't have to worry about saying or doing the wrong thing. I don't have to worry about being hurt.
haha. one thing i learnt/found is that isolation, well I liked it very very much. I yearn for it every single time.
but... there are times, where you need abit of "company" or some sort of interaction.
It's hard, self care, but it can be sort of easy too. It's all about doing what makes you happy, content. At least that's what I got from it. It can be as simple as going for a pleasant walk. Time for yourself. A video game or listening to music. But you have to get some enjoyment from it. So yeah it can be hard. It does seem and feel selfish, but everyone should have "me" time. Part of it is not caring what others think about it. You have to do it for you so that you can be better for others.
What seem to be wrong now is that, no matter how I try. Things I fave before, and also something new. - which categorises under self-care. But i dont seem to be "happy" nor "contented". Its almost felt more like "doing for the sake of checking the checkbox"
Worse off, i seem to "dont mind" helping others. But yet not want to help myself.
About the self-fishness not sure. It just does not feel at ease or norm for me.
I guess it is like a check in. There seems to be some of that lacking in other area's of 7cups, have you noticed? I mean I realize people are busy with outside lives but I've noticed it's gotten worse here in just the short time I've been here.
Haha.
er i dont really get what you mean by lacking.
But the check-ins well.. not sure. I just report in only. But i find myself, repeating most of the times.
Take care, be gentle with yourself
Thanks twistedsoul.
@mikenai22 Sorry to hear that you're exhausted. And can't seem to rest. I know how that is.
Working in the kitchen..cooking? For yourself or just helping with the family meal.
This might sound weird but there are times I wish I could be anything but human. A nice solid steady rock would be nice. Unfeeling, you know? No worries, just sitting around being content with my rock self. I think I've shared more with you than I have anyone else here. Thank you.
Yeah I can get too comfortable with my isolation. Before I started coming to 7cups, I went 2 years without really having human companionship. Wow, sounds hard to believe. I only went out for the mail at the post office, but you can go after hours, so no people. The grocery store, there again, later at night there's no one there.
Doing it for the sake of saying you did it. It makes you feel good helping other's. I don't know if there's anyway to be able to do that and still be doing self care. Which kind of sucks because as you said it makes you feel good. I saw somewhere, that just sitting somewhere and people watching is self care. Even walking around outside with no shoes on. Even going to a museum. Kind of strange I guess.
I know what you mean about repeating yourself. I think that might be some of the draw for me with wanting to isolate. I keep saying the same things. Tired, depressed, and anxious. I tired of hearing myself say it. So other people must be tired of it too. I wonder what it's like to be a well adjusted, well rounded person.
Try to have a good evening, take care.
@mytwistedsoul
Sorry to hear that you're exhausted. And can't seem to rest. I know how that is.
It is ok. I managed to sleep abit, after the sweet potatoes.
Now thinking if it is the fault of the potatoes.
Working in the kitchen..cooking? For yourself or just helping with the family meal.
Kinda, tested/wasted some foods. - Some for self. Some I gave to my mum for her colleagues. - But she brought the whole bag back. =.= felt sad and wasted.
I just wanted to seek some "fulfillment" that it is tested and done. - To just have some answers.
Afternoon set was more for mum only. - Since she requested for it.
This might sound weird but there are times I wish I could be anything but human. A nice solid steady rock would be nice. Unfeeling, you know? No worries, just sitting around being content with my rock self. I think I've shared more with you than I have anyone else here. Thank you.
Well, its those kind of times when we just "wished" or "hoped". Oh well.
Maybe a thing to try is to figure out, how or what you can try or do to add/remove to your current to achieve closer/similar to it. Or maybe it is a environment setting or improvement that you can try also.
Yeah I can get too comfortable with my isolation. Before I started coming to 7cups, I went 2 years without really having human companionship. Wow, sounds hard to believe. I only went out for the mail at the post office, but you can go after hours, so no people. The grocery store, there again, later at night there's no one there.
It is. This is what made us human? - Sense of comfort and security
Now I wish I can imagine your place looks like. - Country side?
I wish I dont put restrictions to timings to locations to myself. - Seemed to be very restrictive to myself and cannot do things after certain periods.
Doing it for the sake of saying you did it. It makes you feel good helping other's. I don't know if there's anyway to be able to do that and still be doing self care. Which kind of sucks because as you said it makes you feel good. I saw somewhere, that just sitting somewhere and people watching is self care. Even walking around outside with no shoes on. Even going to a museum. Kind of strange I guess.
Is it...? I can't tell whether if it feels good or bad to me.
But the only satisfication to me is that I did my "workout" for the day. - i.e. like moved/active/exercised enough to feed myself. - Bit kind of a eating disordered mindset of compensation. Although I can think of it another way...
But at least is like i did something than compared to sitting around in front of the computer.
But one more thing though is that, I duno why i can cook for others. But I cant cook for myself. In a sense that I can prepare more "filling" nutritious kind for everyone but I wont spend the energy for self.
I know what you mean about repeating yourself. I think that might be some of the draw for me with wanting to isolate. I keep saying the same things. Tired, depressed, and anxious. I tired of hearing myself say it. So other people must be tired of it too. I wonder what it's like to be a well adjusted, well rounded person.
It does affect one self. and also the "loved" ones that surrounds each of us.
I'm not in a way "tired" of repeating. But I am "tired" - In sense of exhaustion of the same problems day to day.
For the last statement. You know sometimes people suggested to me is - Just don't think. Just try to go around day to day, flowing with nature and being present. - Good enough already.
Try to have a good evening, take care.
Sure. You too.
Just duno why I am feeling guilty for "eating" too much today.
@mikenai22 Hey How are you?
Just kind of wanted to touch base with you. See how you're doing.
I'm sorry you spent all that time and effort on something only to have it returned like that. That's good, hanging with her? Seems like a very nice thing to do.
Isolation...I have been having some serious issues with this. I just want to keep to myself. It's not healthy, it's not right. But it's what feels comfortable. Trust is being coming a big big problem. And because of not feeling like I can trust anyone, well there's the isolation. I'm just trying to process some things, things I don't understand. Yet, that's the key word. I'll get there eventually.
Think mountains, not big mountains just right. Tree's everywhere. Whispering pines, that sound so neat when the wind blows through them. Birds everywhere, squirrels, deer. Saw som turkeys the other day. And the hummingbirds are back. https://imgur.com/user/mytwistedsoul
just some pictures of things around the place and stuff I waste my time on. Welcome to my world.
Idk, if you can cook for others , do you feel a sense of happiness, contentment? If you do that's a good thing, isn't it? Maybe you don't feel that you're worth the time? Self worth I guess. I know the feeling.
Being present has been another issue. And just don't think...lol how can someone not think. Then I overthink it and then think of it in different ways. There's no not thinking.
I'm sorry you feel guilty that you ate too much. I hope you don't now anymore.
Thanks for the links...I've never heard of Suzuki coffee. It's gotta be way better than instant.
How did the oils work for you?
Take care, yeah? Be gentle with yourself.
Just wanted to let you know.. trying to processes some things. Things found. not sure what to think. need some time.
@mytwistedsoul
Just wanted to let you know.. trying to processes some things. Things found. not sure what to think. need some time.
Go ahead twisted soul. Take all the time you need.
Take care~~ and be cautious in anything you do if it is dangerous or needs focused attention.
Take time off to breathe if you need to.
@mytwistedsoul
Thought I share.. the rubbishes... stuff that i randomly did.
https://mikenai.wordpress.com/2019/04/25/141-coffee-super/
https://mikenai.wordpress.com/2019/04/25/140-random-things-ive-tried-to-answer-my-clouded-mind/
@mytwistedsoul
Hey How are you?
Just kind of wanted to touch base with you. See how you're doing.
Hi, twistedsoul, i hope you are doing better after yesterday. - Hope i am not triggering anything
I been fighting some thoughts in my head.
But my father came home, which i kinda lost my peacetime at home. Hiaz. Sad. Cant stop thinking about leaving.
I totally regretted not effectively spending my time at home when there was nobody...
Now he's back. and the usual disturbances. Couldn't sleep.
On another topic, Kinda sad, i dont really like about this. Not very happy. Although i kinda craved for it.
Maybe it is time to give the stomach a break.
I'm sorry you spent all that time and effort on something only to have it returned like that. That's good, hanging with her? Seems like a very nice thing to do.
Its ok. I kinda forget once in a while that they (including father) dont really appreciate it. - At least on the food I made/consume.
My brother who had an opportunity to try my cooking once, at least finished, came over said thanks. and shared some thoughts of his.
Nah, forget about parents. It is time to care for myself. Somehow I have to find some ways to get out of this place. - I wished i could let go and just accept them. But no matter how hard i tried, it is not possible.
Isolation...I have been having some serious issues with this. I just want to keep to myself. It's not healthy, it's not right. But it's what feels comfortable. Trust is being coming a big big problem. And because of not feeling like I can trust anyone, well there's the isolation. I'm just trying to process some things, things I don't understand. Yet, that's the key word. I'll get there eventually.
Hehe. It is not healthy. - to a certain extent.
Great to hear that you are aware and yes it does feels comfortable. But most importantly, is that there is no right or wrong. And maybe it is up to you on how you want to perceive it. Maybe don't fully isolate yourself. Maybe give yourself an opportunity to "air" out by socialising a short while. But when you need the "isolation" or "getaway". Don't restrict yourself of the needs.
Hmm, well if you need the isolation/peace to process stuffs, or personal time to do things. I don't even see anything wrong with it.
Think mountains, not big mountains just right. Tree's everywhere. Whispering pines, that sound so neat when the wind blows through them. Birds everywhere, squirrels, deer. Saw som turkeys the other day. And the hummingbirds are back. https://imgur.com/user/mytwistedsoul
just some pictures of things around the place and stuff I waste my time on. Welcome to my world.
Wow. Sounds like you have access to great nature place.
Sorry, the url linked to a empty profile page.
By the way, the word "waste" may be something you felt. But actually, it is in a way some kind of self-care, probably because it is what you wanna do.
Perhaps you may not have felt it is helping or what. But actually, it is in a way.
Idk, if you can cook for others , do you feel a sense of happiness, contentment? If you do that's a good thing, isn't it? Maybe you don't feel that you're worth the time? Self worth I guess. I know the feeling.
Not really happiness. More like a "good job", you made them satisfied/happy, they worked so hard and tired. Just help them out abit. Sometimes felt like a sense of "completion", and that I have helped them. Sometimes or most of the times, i kept feeling like i need a workout, or a time dragger so i can truly focus on food later. I duno why i kept having the thoughts of such that has to be related to food, timings, need to workout for food, etc. very very bad fuel for ED thoughts.
Sadly and Yes, I felt like time is wasted. And worse off that when my stuffs are not appreciated but rather critised of. If it is a genuine mistake i can understand. Anyways, i also slowly learned that I cannot satisfy everyone's tastes. Some prefer this, some prefer that. So yea.
Being present has been another issue. And just don't think...lol how can someone not think. Then I overthink it and then think of it in different ways. There's no not thinking.
It is. not possible. Those talk videos said, if you are not thinking -> you are probably dead. =.=||
Well yea, the brain is probably confused and "multi-tasking" in its way.
Often I been recommended to learn/try to notice the excessive thoughts, watch them, but dont feed/process them. Breathe in/Breathe out, slowly pick and work on one at a time if it requires your attention. - Most importantly is also something that can be addressed. Not those that cannot be fixed which results in rumination.
I'm sorry you feel guilty that you ate too much. I hope you don't now anymore.
It is ok... I dont know the linkages of it, but some said things like
- eat too much, because the body felt it is not taking in enough calories
- eat too much, because extreme hunger (ED)
- eat too much, because over exercise/workout/day activities
- eat too much, because of insufficient rest/spent too much time awake
Thanks for the links...I've never heard of Suzuki coffee. It's gotta be way better than instant.
Bean/Ground coffee is definitely better. Even better if you have proper machines to extract the flavour.
Just that I dont have the tools, and it certainly costs which is a heavy investment.
In my lifestyle, and "work" (if i dont get fired), it is difficult to prepare them.
Hence instant soluble types are generally better, easier to store/pack/manage.
- sad fact of life
- otherwise just buy from coffee shops which uses ground coffee. however those are usually buttered and some even "sugarised"
How did the oils work for you?
I'm abit puzzled and lost with it.
Somehow both smell'ed the same. Not sure if i am using it wrongly.
Maybe need those machines or burn through a candle.
I find and learn that I cannot tolerate them for long. As in if the smell keeps coming in to my system.
So in a way... maybe it is also good that i did not invest in those diffuser units. Although it seems to be a beter option as it regulates the smell properly at intervals.
Take care, yeah? Be gentle with yourself.
Hiaz... With my father. I doubt i can think of anything straight.
With no one around at home, i felt at ease. Made food as/when i wanted, walked freely at home, dont have to shut doors, etc...
@mikenai22
maybe try this one https://imgur.com/a/fpxWNNG
@mytwistedsoul
woa... thank you for sharing twisted soul.
looks like some serious wood work. I bet you have great experience with them.
haha, the animals, guess the opportunity for wild life exploration is never ending.
@mikenai22 Thanks. I like doing it but as I said it gives me conflicting thoughts and I'm trying to ignore the bad thoughts about it, but I'm not always successful.
The animals are pretty awesome. There's a mated pair of red tail hawks that show up. They are so cool.
@mikenai22
No you're not triggering anything. I'm just..I find things here at the grandparents house and put bluntly... I thought I could trust them, but I guess I shouldn't have. They knew more then they let on about things. I just don't understand. I guess.
Care to share the thoughts your fighting?
maybe it was because it was dense. Like a heavy meal.
You're right, and I know this is a place to talk with people about things, but sometimes I just can't bring my attitude in here, so I guess it is just isolating. Kind of, if you can't say something nice, don't say anything.
Sorry for the first bad link. Glad I got it right the second time. You're right, in a way it is self care. I do enjoy it, but have been told so many times that its a waste of time. But I kind of can get lost in the wood. Maybe that doesn't make sense.
It's hard to put that time and effort into something and have people criticize your work. I mean it's ok if it's constuctive, but tone says alot.
I'll have to try that. I multitask in too many ways with too many things. It just results in nothing getting done or not done properly.
Yeah some coffee machines are just crazy with prices. I mean good coffee is good, but lets get real here. I shouldn't have to finance something just to have good coffee.
I think most of the oils need to be heated up. In a simmering pot or something.. or yeah the diffusers. I heard somewhere about people whping a little on light bulbs. But idk, be careful with that.
I hope you have a good weekend and can maybe find sometime to have the house to yourself. It must have been hard to feel at ease being alone and then have someone invade it.
Be gentle with yourself, Take care.
