Depression Community - How do you actually feel today?

I feel like there are so many things pulling me down right now that I don't know which one to focus on...The disentigration of my parents relationship before my eyes, the loss of loved ones, my own problems with school and life. So I just sit in the middle of them all and shut off, so I don't have to feel anything.

How do I feel today?

Like a member of the Outer Party working at Miniluv.

Like Big Brother says 2+2=5

I feel tired😴 stressed and completely terrified. I'm switching schools again for the second time this year! Blah! I really like my friends at the one I'm at now but... The teachers well shmerr. Ugh 😪 I want to cry but that just makes everyone uncomfortable...

I've been doing so well recently, I was beggining to think I was geneuinely happy... but that's the thing with depression... it tricks you like that. I've just had a really bad argument with my long term boyfriend and I don't know what the next steps are going to be. I need to talk but I can't find any listeners and my councellors are out of hours at the moment, and my sessions have been reduced to fortnightly...

I talked to an ex girlfriend and it's made things harder. I don't think I want her back but I miss her like crazy. I'm disinterested in everything and don't know who I am or who I want to be.

They make me want to scream at the top of my lungs -_-

They make me want to scream at the top of my lungs -_-

I'm sorry for my language /:

From last Monday until today, I was doing pretty well. I felt, not optimistic, but I didn't want to kill myself at all, and I felt like I was in control of my life for once.I didn't breakdown crying at all, which is good, I guess? But today it endedand I feel like shit again.

I don't fucking understand anything. What's the point? We all die anyway, who the fuck cares who you are, or what you do? The only thing that everything on this earth has in common is the end. Everything will die, everything will come to an end, everyone will be sad or anger or in pain at some point eventually? Does it even matter what happens between the beginning and the end if everything will end up in the same way?

What is this? What is this life? Is this life even real? I don'tfucking understand anything?

I feel like I want to get professional help but I can't tell my parents because I know they will treat me like a fragile doll that will crumble with one sarcastic comment. My mom has depression as well and that's who I got it from (It runs in my family) so I don't want her to have to worry about anything else. I can't tell my family and if I go to the counselors at school my dad who works at the same school with hear of it and I'll have a lot of awkward questions that I don't have answers too. So I don't know what to do. Sometimes I don't even know whether or not I'm depressed or if it's just hormones. I've taken some online self tests and they all say I have severe depression but I know they aren't that accurate. Plus they are designed for adults and I'm only 14! I have tried talking to some of the listeners from this site but everytime I do talk to them they try to get me to "talk about something else to get my mind off of it" but what they dint seem to understand is that I can't get my mind off of it! I call my depression my little friend in the back of my mind. I always feel it even when I'm not being affected by it. It's always there, trying to break free from the barriers u place around it. So I can't get my mind off of it. My friends (who don't know about this) can sometimes get me distracted but not always. The two friends that do know I'm not always up to talking to them about it. Because to me, I feel like if I talk about it I will be showing weakness that they can exploit and I can't stand doing that. So really I haven't talked to anyone about how I'm feeling. I just want someone I can trust enough that I know they won't judge me and that they'll understand.

i feel okay. im not sure what im doing as far as relationships but im trying to be happy