Weekly Prompt #31: In what way does guilt have an effect on your life?
Welcome back, group! I hope you are all being easy on yourself this week.
Last week we discussed: What would you tell a friend who is experiencing self-doubt? Thank you to all who participated and shared their thoughts and questions for discussion. They were thought-provoking questions and thoughts. I hope you all did too. If you didn't share yours, please share them here and I look forward to reading and discussing them with you
This week's prompt: In what way does guilt affect your life? What kind of situations or times are you more likely to experience guilt?
Guilt and I have a complex relationship. I live my life in a way as to have no need to feel guilt. I do that by being honest and straightforward...not in a rude way. I try to be conscientious of the things I say before I say them. Then I have moments of feeling guilty when there is nothing to feel guilty about. Or sometimes over something done during an episode that those I love known isn't the real me. Guilt is a very healthy feeling when it is warranted. But a nuisance when it shows up unwarranted. But feeling guilty for not really apparent reason is a symptom of depression. Being aware of that is helpful. As a psychology professor I had said the complete lack of feeling guilt when warranted is a major red flag. Guilt is another uncomfortable feeling that is a sign of some good mental health.
@ThoughtLight It sounds like you have a nuanced understanding of guilt and its role in our lives. How has recognizing when guilt is present, whether warranted or not, helped you navigate your emotions?
@ASilentObserver when it is not warranted, I just have to keep explaining that to myself. That it's just a side effect of multiple types of bipolar episode. If it is indeed warranted, I apologize to those I wronged. Even if it was something done in an episode and those around me realize that I still apologize because it was still done. Even the insanity plea in court requires you to face your charges once you have recovered "x" number of years later. If you wrong somebody in any way you make it right. Even if they say they understand due to circumstances it is for your own mental well-being to face up to things even if out of your control. You do it for yourself as much as the other person. Guilt for no real reason is very common with depression. Imagined guilt. That's a different thing to tackle. Lay out evidence in front of yourself. But no matter the state of mind if you hurt someone you apologize. If you don't feel guilt well that opens up a few possibilities in the DSM V and none of them are good. My granddad always taught me...still does...a real person owns up to the things they did wrong and makes them right. Guilt is a catalyst driving us to better ourselves. To point out we ignored right and chose wrong instead. Whether the conscious is a metaphor or exists in some physical structure in the brain guilt reminds us we have one and that we have a moral compass. When I have licensure and can have clients, I definitely would stress the importance of warranted guilt as a way to keep us due north of the moral compass. Someone who never had guilt psychoanalytic psychotherapy can help shed light on that. I don't believe in someone being "beyond help", My solution is inventing a way that suits them in providing them help. Customize it. But then there's a point where some levels of guiltless people probably shouldn't be freely roaming society. I did a fascinating project on psychopathy. A lot of myths make up people's understanding of them. But I'm a believer in psychodynamics. Freudian and Jungian.
@ThoughtLight It sounds like you have a nuanced understanding of guilt and its functions. Recognizing guilt, whether warranted or not, can help you navigate your emotions and make amends when necessary. However, imagined guilt can be more challenging to address.
@ASilentObserver imagined guilt is pretty difficult to express. But assisting with the right words can get it out. I would employ a bit of a stream of consciousness exercise implemented by Freud. He wasn't way off the mark on everything. In my literature and creative writing classes we used the written form of it called a stream of consciousness made popular by Virginia Woolf. If you really listen very closely to what people say you can pick up a lot of useful info even the person isn't aware of. A single particular word choice could speak a paragraph. Instead of reading between the lines you listen between the lines. Some feel psychodynamics are old fashioned and not useful but often older things still have a ton of value. An example my house is a 220-year-old Victorian. No electrical tools involved in its construction. Yet it stands stronger than the modern homes being built today. I've learned over the years, sometimes through a hard way, your ears aren't your only listening tools. Just like your eyes are your only way of seeing. I really want to help people be able to get in touch with the natural senses a lot are unaware exist or don't know how to use them. And the importance of listening to your conscious. And it's not true for everyone that you should always follow your first gut instinct.
@ThoughtLight It sounds like you have gained valuable insights from your studies and experiences. You are so right that our senses can guide us, and developing awareness of them can lead to greater understanding. However, it's also important to consider individual situations and not always rely solely on instinct.
@ASilentObserver
In what way does guilt affect your life? What kind of situations or times are you more likely to experience guilt?
- Guilt is a nagging feeling for me that I can't shake. It makes me feel on edge most of the time, I can't focus at all I feel nervous and would make me want to scratch myself. Guilt so far makes me scared of committing a sin. It makes me more antisocial. Usually I feel guilty when someone ask for my help and I can't do it, times when I'm mean to others and when I make people sad and hurt.
I find that a lot of feeling guilty is whenever I need to call-in sick for work. No matter the reason or need to do so, it always makes me feel guilty for some reason. It's like, knowing that it will mean there will only be two people working for the day, meaning that they will need to work a couple of hours overtime to cover my shift. Because my two fellow colleagues are older, one in her 50s' and the other 60s, it makes me feel that because of my absence, their own health or energy is compromised too.
At this point, I usually try and think, "My own health is top priority, my colleagues will be able to manage despite my absence. Do not feel bad for needing to miss work. Missing work is more reasonable than going to work not feeling well, which in turns, affect my efficiency and productivity."
@ASilentObserver
One thing that brings me tremendous guilt it that I'm an afterschool teacher and one of my students told me that he had to use the bathroom and he was in a tutoring session where my supervisor was putting pressure on for them to be present at. My supervisor had told me to tell the kids to use the bathroom before the tutoring session began. He's a second grader and I told him and everyone multiple times to use the bathroom before we began the tutoring session. Just ten minutes into the tutoring session he asked me to use the bathroom and I asked him why he didn't use the bathroom when I had asked ultimately he tried to hold it in and he went on himself. I feel so bad about it to this day.
@ASilentObserver
Guilt takes whatever clay I'm working into my dreams and fires it an oven before it's done when my foundational needs or more are threatened or ignored by people, places or things that just want to play mean with my boundaries.
Whenever I feel guilt, it helps me to learn from whatever I did in order to feel guilt and correct it so that it doesn't happen again. I used to feel guilt a lot when there was no real reason for it. Thankfully that doesn't happen very often anymore. And I try to live my life and treat others in a way to where there will be no reason to have to feel guilt. Guilt can definitely be a learning tool. Sometimes we feel guilty for no reason which is often a symptom of depression. But when it's based off of a way, we acted it is a great moment to realize what we did exactly and be sure to stay aware of it and not repeat it. It is a bit like a moral compass.
@ThoughtLight You have a good understanding of how guilt can be useful when it is based on actual actions. It seems like you have grown and learned from past experiences. How do you handle situations where you feel guilty for no apparent reason?
@ASilentObserver a lot of what I've learned was through doing things the hard one more than once. When I feel it when it isn't warranted, I just keep logically explaining to myself why there is no reason for it. This was a recent thing I've had to deal with, but the problem is resolved and hopefully won't return. Using logic and evidence can be a great way to work through things like that. If that doesn't work, I know it's time for a medication adjustment. So even unwarranted guilt can be a sign for something important for me. There's a lot of people who struggle with unwarranted guilt almost pathologically. Some people always say they are sorry when nothing has happened for them to be sorry about or it is obvious they had no control over something. Partly a habit. But there's something deeper. Something psychodynamics can get to better than other methods. Maybe there is something shoved into the unconscious that is causing someone to feel guilty, but they have no clue what over because its buried. So, you're always feeling guilt or apologizing for what may be a good reason, but you don't know what it is and get the apologies out in any situation one can be used.
@ASilentObserver
I am faced with guilt every single day. I've made choices that have caused irreparable damage to those that I love the most. I fell in love, got married and had kids. The life imagined. Then alcohol arrived. It changed my life partner into a total stranger and has caused permanent mental and emotional damage to myself and my children. I never had high self-esteem before, but now there is nothing. I exist for my children. Choices that I have made in the past, when I had dreams, have made the situation worse. Deep down, I know that some things are out of my control and that I am not responsible for everything that has, is, and will happen; but, the guilt weighs on me daily adding to my self- loathing. I'm stuck in a rut. I am numb.
@NotAllHere713 I get that, notall. Guilt can have a huge impact on our lives, and I understand it weighs heavily on you given the circumstances. The decisions you've made and the harm they've caused are troubling to you. Your experience with alcohol and its effects on your family members is difficult. So your reflection on your low self-esteem and feeling stuck in this rut is relatable. But please know you are not alone in this. We are all here with you to listen to and support you. What aspects of your situation trigger these intense feelings of guilt?
@ASilentObserver
My kids only minimally interact with their father- he has no idea what's going on in their lives. I am the wall between them. My daughter dreams of the day she will escape. My son tells me of his dream to buy a house where I can live with him. I look at them and talk with them every day- knowing I am responsible for their pain. That is my trigger.
In what way does guilt affect your life?
I feel guilty for the way my life has gone. I feel guilty for not being able to communicate with women as I would like. I feel guilty for being alone. I feel guilty for being unemployed. I feel guilty for not having a career.
What kind of situations or times are you more likely to experience guilt?
I feel more guilty when I'm around people.
@WharfRat Good points, Wharf.. Guilt can have an impact on us that is often influencing our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. It can be difficult to escape the grip of guilt, especially when we are around others. Do you find that your guilt is triggered by specific situations or interactions with others?
@ASilentObserver
Not being able to say the right thing to somebody to help them, the way some people can, makes me feel especially guilty.
@WharfRat I understand that, Whard. When you are unable to help someone, you feel internally conflicted about your own abilities. You want to be able to help every person you talk to, but you cannot always do so. Please know you are just a person with your own experiences and limitations, and sometimes the things people need are beyond what you can provide. All we can do is try what we can. You are not alone in this.
Guilt from a troubled youth is constantly on my mind. It has been more than 30 years since that time of my life but I hold onto so much from it. Never knowing if my actions caused certain things in my families life. I have the guilt and want to make amendsa but also don’t want to re-traumatize by bringing the past up if those I harmed have moved on. I am okay with being yelled at or blamed and demonized I just don’t want to cause more harm than I did back then. At what point does it no longer be a concern of them and just my selfishness to feel better about my wrong doing?
@anonyTortoise3336 Thank you for being here with us and sharing tortoise. It seem you carry a heavy burden from your past. Guilt can weigh down and haunt us for years. How does holding onto this guilt affect your daily life?
I have limited contact with many of my family members, specifically my mom. I know she loves me and I love her but I made a lot of selfish choices as a teen that my mom blames herself for. I feel like that guilt is what keep eher at arms length now, which means she has limited contact with her grand kids. When we do speak it is on my mind and i want to say something but I don't want to trigger her as she does struggle with mental health. I believe it would be good for her to know but it also means she will have to look back at a time when she felt like she was a failure of a parent. I struggle with wanting to share but also not wanting my selfishness to again cause harm. Would me sharing cause harm? or would it help? I know I would feel better but this is not about me, its about her and her knowing she is not a failure and I made choices not thinking of her in those moments.
@anonyTortoise3336 you are carrying a heavy burden believing you are responsible for your mother's pain and feeling guilty about choices you made in the past. You want to protect her from getting hurt again, but grapple with whether sharing the truth would bring relief or harm. This inner conflict is understandable, Anony. Thank you for opening up with us and sharing your emotions and experiences. Please know you are not alone in this. We are all here with you to listen to and to support.
@ASilentObserver
@ASilentObserver
Hi there,
I was searching for a forum to let out my thoughts and here I am. Guilt is a form of emotion that comes to my mind when I think of my current life and career and I feel frustrated, rejected and empty. That I was above average in my College period and generally otherwise makes me feel guilty for the years I lost or wasted doing nothing significant to contribute to my future or let me pave way for its security. I had passed out of college in 2015 and taken few breaks in my career owing to some professional and educational endeavours which turned out to be a failure. I currently am working with too much pressure in both professional and personal life with a salary that is way below par and non rewarding . In middle of this I am having a very bumpy marriage life where my wife is super duper controlling and she wants all her way. Even when it comes to me planning to start my own clinic, she wants to inject all those ideas . She doesn't like to be interrupted and wants to push in all that's in her mind and not care a damn about the person on the other end. She is a sometimes so annoying as a person that I had thought I should not be staying a minute more with her. Because it always feels like she is pulling my life into her and making it her own. She has this all sorts of ideas about all random things which she has zero knowledge about and wants me to do all that ***. It's ridiculous. Probably more because I rejected two girls in college who were behind me to marry me just for the sake of it. I was the same person then and still am but now they both got happily married and here I am feeling guilty for dumping them 😭
@placidCamp6722 Thank you for opening up and sharing your feelings with us, Camp. I appreciate you and know you have us here with you to support you. It seems like you have a lot of regrets about the path your life has taken. Please know you are not alone in feeling guilty about choices we made in the past, especially when they haven't turned out the way we wanted. It takes courage to open up about these feelings. What aspects of your marriage are most challenging for you?
