Ramblings 3

@mytwistedsoul

Thank you, I will try and remember to check in to dissociate and how it relates to me at a later time.

Right now I can only think and worry about Tiny. Whatever is going on with her, if it’s the pneumonia or something else, I am really extremely worried about her. I can’t shake this feeling.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I've been pretty worried about her as well. It's unusual to see her so quiet. The best we can do is to send our good thoughts and healing vibes her way and hope that she's alright and hope that she returns soon ❤️

I plee the blood of Jesus Christ, the greatest power in the world over your whole excistence.

@Tinywhisper11

I am really worried about you.

💕💕💕Hugs, I Love You 💕💕💕

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Iam - Yes I know that you and Tiny are really close. I think you just have to trust that her careers help her the best they can when she needs it. 

@Helgafy

I have never had friends until the few of you found me here.

I am not handling knowing that one is struggling so much and I can’t help her in any way. The not knowing what is happening is taking its toll on me.

I trust in her carers, I am not used to caring about anyone like this.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

You know - Tiny is very special. She has a very powerful mind. Not many or no one is able to show that much love after all she has been through. I have studied her history - very, very hard story. It is very nice that you care (as she cares for you). It's very fine that you give her of your great love, thinking of her. I'm very sure that it reaches her. You know - love is the greatest thing.

@Helgafy

She definitely is very special. I don’t know much of her story, I have let her tell me if and when she decided to.What she has told me is definitely tragic and heart wrenching.

Thank you

@Iamwhoiamwhoami @mytwistedsoul @Helgafy 

Awww, your all making me cry, Thank you all for caring about me so much ❤❤❤ I love you all ❤

@Tinywhisper11 *hugs you gently* You're a very special And amazing person Tiny ❤️ ❤️

@Tinywhisper11

There have been many here who have shared their love, support, kindness, compassion and many other wonderful qualities with me. Many of them have done so for a long time.

But you were able to accomplish something that they didn’t, maybe they softened me up a little for you . You were able to make me put the word to the feeling that you and the others have created deep inside me .

That feeling is really messing with me right now and has for awhile now. I can’t stop worrying about you, and the longer it goes that nobody hears from or about you, the more my stomach twists up. If this is the way it feels with the combination of love and worry, how can people handle the sick feeling it creates, that feeling that gets worse and worse the longer it goes on.

The reality is if something happens to you, I don’t believe I ever want to love anyone anymore.

I don’t know how to leave it to faith . Or how to properly pray, Even though I am neither a believer or a non believer If I thought it would help you get better I think I could probably join any religion that would do so. I trust in your carers, I just know a fraction of what you have been through snd you don’t deserve anymore pain or suffering. Yes, I am being very selfish right now, but if anything happens to you, I think that would be enough for me to leave this community. That would be the final straw for me. The turmoil I am experiencing is new to me. I have said before that if I could I would take all of your pain and combine it with my own. That holds especially true right now. As long as I knew that you were ok, and were only going to continue to get better, that your days of pain and suffering were gone forever, Then I would find a way to take on your baggage and add it to mine.

Then I would be able to have our messages that we exchange be something I look forward to as much as I do now. And then maybe someday, whenever you want to talk to me anymore about anything, you know I will always be here to listen.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

💕💕💕Never ending gentle hug is embracing you with all my love that you created inside me. My hands forever holding yours 💕💕💕 Now I will go back to my waterfall of tears I am shedding in your absence.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

@Iamwhoiamwhoami wow! You really know how to make a girl cry🙂🙂 love is definitely a strange emotion. This is the only place I feel love to ❤ and we will be together always ❤ oneday we will meet in real life, in a few years, when we are both doing better ❤ but promise if I do disappear forever I'll be watching over you, and you gotta promise to never leave this site, other people here care and love you too ❤ your making progress here, it's funny how friendship turns to family love. I've always got you ❤

@Tinywhisper11

I’ve always got you as well ❤️❤️❤️ You know how to make my eyes trickle the tears as well. ❤️❤️❤️If the worst thing that could happen does happen, I promise I will try to hold it together to stay here, as long you promise to keep fighting, and remember that I am always there with holding you no matter what . ❤️❤️❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I'm un-die-able 😁 I will never give up fighting, I'm just as hard headed as you ❤❤

Jesus Christ is with you to hold your hand today. He tells you: "I'll never leave you nor forsake you." (Quote from the Bible).

@Helgafy

Thank you

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

I was also thinking - now that you're missing your friend Tiny; Why don't you go to her thread and read all the messages she has sent to people here at 7Cups. There must be hundreds of messages. In that way you can be close to her through her words.

@Helgafy

Thank you, but I don’t know what her thread is or where to find it.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Friend - you go to one of her messages to you. There you press on her photo. Then her thread will come up.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

The same will happen if I go to one of your messages. When I press on your pfp - all your writings will be there for me to watch if I want to.

@Helgafy

I only get stats and awards and badges when I do that , I ge the same when I touch on your icon.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

OH - I get the "bio" and "Recent forum posts" when I touch yours. Maybe @mytwistedsoul can lead you on. He's clever with IKT (use of data).

@Helgafy

I am doing this on my phone, would it make a difference on a computer?

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

I don't know friend - I don't use a phone.

Yes try on computer @Iamwhoiamwhoami

@soulsings

Thank you.

I finally did try it on a computer. I found the list of threads? I made my way back to bed because the physical pain was too intense. I would bring it to my bed but the battery is not that good anymore. The power cord is routed through my desk, so to difficult for me to move right now.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Hopefully this link will make it easier https://www.7cups.com/@Tinywhisper11 

Her threads are below her bio. I don't think there's any real order to how they're arranged though 

@Helgafy

I grabbed my laptop and tried what you said and I found what you were referring to. I will try and look farther into it after a bit when the pain settles a little bit. Thank you.

I owe you a big apology, I am so wrapped up in myself and my worry about Tiny that I didn’t realize how that might make you feel. You are my friend as well, I don’t want anything I say to take away from how important you are to me as well.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

It's OK Iam. I have been loved by people my whole life. Tiny is special to you - you have a strong bond. I don't feel sad or anything about what you wrote about your friendship with her. Feelings can be very strong - after all, many movies, books and songs are about strong feelings. Tiny shows love very strongly to the persons around her. She (and many Americans) use the words "I love you" often. And she means it. Here in Norway we don't say that. I don't think anybody ever said that to me here, even if I know I'm loved. I guess you're a little bit in shock now because she has not written for many/some days.

@Helgafy

Thank you for being so understanding. I am not exactly sure what the word is for what I am feeling. She has been sick for a long stretch. She is loved by many people here. I am just one of many that she has loved. She finally was able to build a strong connection with me, and if something happens to her I don’t think I will ever recover from that.

Why can’t I be like other “normal” people? Love is an emotion, right? Other people don’t let their emotions rule over everything to the extent that I do. I finally experience that warm embracing sensation of love, and now that love has been tainted with worry and fear and my stomach is twisted in knots, I can barely force myself to eat. I can’t stop fearing the worst, which is a trait about me I don’t like but does take hold whenever possible.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

"Normal" people are like you. OH yes - "other people" do just like you - they also "let their emotions rule over everything". Your stomach is "twisted in knots" and "you can barely force yourself to eat". Did you know that ther's a strong connection between our brain and stomack. (That's why we also can react with our stomack when things happen). You say you "can't stop fearing the worst" - I think the best for Tiny is that you think that what is the best for her must happen. 

Thank you, You are far too kind to me.

@Helgafy

Thank you. You are far too kind to me.

I feel ashamed for feeling so selfish with my feelings wrapped up in worry for Tiny. It makes it appear like I don’t love or appreciate my other friends here which I do, and very much so.

I have no excuse, I just can’t control anything anymore and this is new territory, I have been exposed to way too much new territory lately, I am on overload.

I am finally blessed with feeling loved and learning what it is like to love others. Then I am handed a new combination of worry plus love plus fear and I am trapped in this zone of pure fear.

I owe apologies to all of those who I am lucky enough to call friends, and all others that have supported me . I am not handling things like I should. I guess what they say is true, “be careful what you wish for “.

The thoughts are back to bouncing around in my head.

I am going to pause for now.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I don't think there's anything for you to feel ashamed about Iam. You found a connection with Tiny. That I think is wonderful and something to be grateful and happy about! All the new emotions and thoughts can be overwhelming especially when concern and worry come along with it. It can definitely be hard to know how to handle it all. It's okay. Take your time. ❤️

@mytwistedsoul

Thank you…,not just for your kind words of support.

Thank you for being a part of the group of people I call friends to stay by my side for so long and intertwining that thread of kindness, compassion, support, strength and Love deep into my darkness and grabbing hold like nothing has before. My messages with Tiny are very important to me, but yours and everyone else's are very important to me as well.

Thank you for everything. ❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami You're welcome Iam ❤️ 

I keep coming back here but can’t focus very well. Also not feeling too good either.

Laying here I have been able to focus on one thing. The fact that the more I connect with people here the more alone I truly am.