Ramblings 3
Nothing new, same issues . I miss the people here. I have been really struggling the last few months. I have been really trying and it seems like I am going back instead of forward.
@Helgafy
These messages that we have been exchanging really do mean a lot to me, and I want you to know that. I may say this multiple times, my memory is not the best. So, please don’t take offense if I repeat this or something similar to you, because I want to be sure that you know how I feel in case my health or mind takes another step or two in the direction it is currently heading and I am no longer able to communicate that.
Thank you, You are an important part of my life.
I have this annoying thing that I do that I can’t seem to stop doing. Actually I have several things that fall into that category.
I’m not sure how to explain it. For example, those storage totes I just purchased, I ordered two different sizes, My decision to the quantity of each I need is not necessarily determined by actual need. It is more affected by a strange internal need to have equal quantities of similar unused items. If I now used say five of the smaller ones, then I would have more of the larger ones. So as soon as I can afford it I order five of the smaller ones so that the quantities are equal again.
I have attained another annoying habit, it involves organizing belongings, storage containers, carefully labeled. Since this habit began I have rearranged and relabeled numerous times. Currently due to my mobility issues, beginning timeframe is long before this last part of being bedridden, when the pain made it difficult after work to partake in this, my house is disorganized and a mess and that causes some anxiety issues.
There are other similar behaviors. I don’t know when exactly they began, and I don’t know why I do these things. Is it something to do with things I already struggle with and they are progressing, or is this something different?
All I know for sure is that it is annoying and irritating to me.
@amiablePeace77
I want you to know that your checking in on me periodically means a lot to me. I think you were one of the original ones that reached out to me, unfortunately I don’t remember many people anymore. But those I do, I want to make sure that I let them know that between every word and the simple gesture of reading my ramblings. Especially knowing the darkness I live in . The way things seem to be heading regarding my health and my mind, I just want to be sure that as many people as possible realize how important they are to me. Thabk you for everything.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
I'm very sorry that you're suffering so much and hope talking here on the site will give you some comfort. Please make use of the crisis support if needed, you can find it here.
@BlueDarkAurora
I am trying to reach out to those who I remember, unfortunately there are too many I don’t remember, but I want you to be aware of how much your word’s rooted in kindness and love means to me. I may have already told you this and maybe may tell you again later, hopefully you take that in stride. I don’t know if my health and my mind continues on this path that they are on, but if they do my hope would be that everyone who ever reached out to me here in this wonderful community knows how much all of their words meant to me.
So , Thank you….
@Iamwhoiamwhoami hehe why would I mind being appreciated a thousand or maybe infinite times xD You're so welcome:)
I just wanted to tell you that me sharing affirmations here or anything positive does not mean that I expect something from you or expect that you do follow them. When someone first offered the idea of positive affirmations to me, I lied and ignored it :3 You could have done that, you could have asked me not to post but instead you considered it and that really amazed me.
With everything that you are going through, it would be understandable if you said "it's difficult and I can't do it" but all I hear from you is "it's difficult but I'll try" and that is so awesome. I hope someday you be able to see all the strength you held on to when it was so easy to give up<3
That above is just a thought that is a rather repetitive one that is a member of the darkest of thoughts. That is one of the nicer ones.
The only difference regarding this thought and those that keep it company is that whenever the darkest of thoughts come forward when by chance my mind is deathly quiet, the more pronounced they are.
There’s downsides to the calm mind with the darkest thoughts settling in for awhile, one thing is missing the chaos of my mind and its racing thoughts, two is the clarity that I see past incidents and scenarios leading up to those incidents, all those times I gave in and followed their lead.
Some of those moments, I remember the actual thoughts going through my mind, I remember all the times I woke up and realized I failed, I remember the extreme level of disappointment and sadness that I failed, each time progressively feeling worse due failing again and again.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
lol - I have a sentence I tell myself when I think of my failures, setbacks: "Your failures, setbacks are wonderful gifts put in your hands." And then I visualize golden gifts put in my hands.
Another reality is that due to the lifetime supply of failures to achieve that goal at the bidding of darkest of thoughts,
Further attempts will not be in the cards.
I have debated with myself about connecting with a listener here. I have went through the list of names a multitude of times.
I struggle with this concept for many reasons.
1> listeners struggle with their own issues and they are still offering to listen to others who are struggling. I know that hearing the words of the struggles of others may not necessarily trigger them, those words do affect them and not necessarily in a way that is noticeable, which could in turn affect their own struggles.
2> I am open and honest in all my own writings, so what good can come from dumping it all onto one individual who is struggling themselves and is offering their kindness and support. If my extreme negativity rubbed off on them, I wouldn’t handle that very well.
3>. I want everything I write here out in the open here, I want no secrets regarding anything I write here. Communications with a listener wouldn’t be open to everyone here.
There are more reasons but I think my point is made.
What can be accomplished? I am already an open book here.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami Sometimes the instant back and forth of messages can be helpful and conversations like that might lead to finding out things that help ^^ but it's completely your decision to make. Finding a listener that works for you can take a little while, we are all different individuals with different ways of dealing with things and ofcourse sometimes we also have an idea of the kind of support we are looking for so it is like trying till you find what works best for you.
It's very kind of you to think from the listeners side as well. It is very much emphasised here that listeners put self care first to fill their cups so they be able to help others the best, plus they also do fixed schedule chats so that it is not too much for them as well. I'm sure if you do decide to connect to a listener you won't be causing them any kind of harm cause you have a lot of empathy for people.
