Ramblings 3

Ok , I think everyones talk of being lonely is taking its toll on me. But when say everyones I mean me. I ordered from another store telling myself that I was seeing how well their delivery was. But I think that I was just desperate to see another person up close without the curtains and windows of my hideout. And because of my anxieties, interactions are kept to the very minimum, plus I am the scary, cranky , old , unshaven fat guy. So they all look at me and scurry away, they all obviously were in a hurry to get away from me. But even though that was their response . I forced myself to analyze why the heck I placed 3 grocery orders in a week.

I need help eating some of this food.

And my conclusion can only be my extreme loneliness. My job, even though social interaction causes me great distress, my job must’ve in some way kept that strange feeling at bay.

Who’s coming over for some microwaveable breakfasts, not the tastiest but simple ones to make?

Starting to have issues with a sore shoulder from having to lay othat side most of the time, anybody have any ideas to handle it on my own. Advil and the like is out of the picture due to the medication I am taking. Heating pad helps a little but not enough. I probably should just live with it until the surgeon appointment.

My brain must be broken, thoughts are spinning around but I can’t grasp any of them. So the few of you that have been trying to read the pile of writings I have done here the last few days. Your eyeballs are spared from my thoughts for a bit.

@juliak1968

I just wanted to say thank you for your continued efforts to heart or is it called upvote? all of my contributions in those word games and the count to a million segments or threads?

Sorry , I am not good with the correct terminology.

I haven’t searched back through my own writings beyond this latest segment or thread.. but I have this strange feeling that we used to exchange a few messages from time to time. If so I am sorry for not continuing to communicate with you.

I have no good reason for that . I just live in my darkness and can let it overwhelm me most of the time, which then lets the important things that should be at the forefront of my thoughts, it is unfortunately allowed to disappear in the expanse of space that is the home of all the important and precious things I have forgotten.

So this is a big Thank you plus a big I’m sorry for not continuing to maintain communication with you.

I just got done sending messages to my doctor updating her regarding my pain and asking if she came up with a solution for a prescription for the day of the appointment to minimize problems during the ride there and back. It’s a minimum of an hour and a half each way.

I also sent a long (wordy) message, well after I was done, I had to try and cut and paste segments because it was way over the letter limit, so it turned into several messages to the hospital I am going to for that appointment and asked the same thing and I did inform them that I had contacted my doctor regarding the same thing, I explained pain I experience doing simple tasks. I also asked them if they did have access to the MRI results.

The surprising thing is that I wrote too many letters in my message. That would infer that I ramble.

I once again am struggling with self guilt . I am sure my friends will remind that the following things are not things to feel guilty about, they are completely correct however that doesn’t stop these things from taking the lead.

I feel extremely guilty for complaining about the pain so often here. For not being able to handle it without medication. There are so many other people here who suffer a lot more than me.

I should be able to find a way to manage the pain quietly and without meds. There are many here who have battled through worse things and they don’t spend much time discussing the pain they suffer through.

I feel guilty for not having the strength that a lot of these people appear to have.

I even feel guilty for rambling so much.

Like I said, my friends will probably remind me that I have nothing to feel guilty for. I just wish those words were enough to negate this but I suppose it will eventually slip from my grasp and there will be another thread to grasp onto.

For having a mind whose thoughts bounce around so much, how can those darkest of thoughts when I wake up and before I sleep and be so focused snd so predictable.

Hi - when will the discussion between Harris and Trump be tonight - I'll try to watch it.

@Helgafy

I copied this from something I found on the internet for you.

What time is the debate tonight?

The debate is set to begin at 9 p.m. ET.

How to watch the presidential debate

The debate will air on ABC and stream on ABC News Live, Disney+ and Hulu, according to ABC.

On Tuesday, September 10, 2024, at 9pm EDT, USA TODAY will stream The ABC News Presidential Debate Simulcast on the USA TODAY channel available on most smart televisions and devices. 

I have been blessed with several friends reaching out tome here and they have actually been brave enough ro read my writings and respond to some of them. This means so much to me. Why can’t all of their kindness, love and support be enough to overcome and push my darkness out of the picture? They are such wonderful people and I at times feel guilty and sad that I am still the same as I always have. I know I shouldn’t feel this way but it’s just another one of those things that is intertwined with the roots of me. They tell me they will always be by my side and I am sure that is true. But another deep rooted thing is my self doubt and fear of saying or doing something that pushes them away. Like my writings like this stating that these things are still there and I still struggle with them. These wonderful people will get tired of repeating their support for me especially when I continue to repeat my same struggles. I’m so screwed up.