Ramblings 3

One more thing entered into my thinking so before I take a break and lose it.

There is more and more everyday that I am not sure of, but this last bit of ramblings is something I believe in wholeheartedly. So when I say I hope someone can find this something that can help start a conversation that leads to change in how this topic is addressed and discussed please, please, please do so. I don’t know how this computer stuff really works, how translations work, but if that someone speaks another language, I hope the translation doesn’t take anything away from my true words and my meanings and true intentions behind my chosen words.

Trigger warning for talk of death

I have tried over my life span to be in charge of my life, but that has been proven a farce. My issues, the darkness has been in charge. I was steering but the darkness was controlling the rudder .

The darkest of thoughts are the supreme leader, the darkness the crew, me, well I am just the vessel that it presides in.

It has evolved and twisted and molded every experience and sightings, every thought, every breath I have taken has been at the mercy of the darkness.

The words I speak, are intertwined with the darkness.

This is a simple reality. I have no hopes of ever living in the light, however I am grateful and thankful for the blessed connections to those who do, in fact they are the light .

There will come a day that I will draw my last breath and there will be no one to come here in my name and let you blessed people know what happened. Whether natural causes or the darkness took me. It doesn’t matter in the end, I have suffered a lifetime of struggling with the darkness, decades adding up. I came here and was lucky enough to have many beautiful people reach out to me. Several that I can say are friends.

No matter how much they try to shine their light and instill their love and warmth on me, I unfortunately am too far gone, completely consumed in my darkness.

So when that final breath is drawn, one should think it would be combined with a giant sigh of relief.

I'm very happy for your strong connection to Tiny and Twist here and also that you could shower.

Not that time matters right now but thank goodness my meds aren’t extremely time sensitive because I have a couple of wall clocks plus , stove and microwave have clocks, alarm clock as well, my point being I had set these clocks ahead a little bit to help to get me out the door for work. With my issues, motivation or lack of is a side problem.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I think alot of the issue with discussing it here is from a liability issue. They're worried if someone discusses it and then follows through after talking with someone here they could be sued? It's not a subject that bothers me tbh. I've been to that point a few times. I always figured it's better to talk about it than to hide those thoughts away. It's the mentality that it's a taboo subject that leads to shame. The fact that doctors are so quick to dump pills on a problem to try and fix it or they're quick to have you locked away - for your own safety of course. And alot of the time it's not really that we want life to end we just want the pain to stop. The physical pain and the mental pain and emotional pain - if it would stop and give a break. It's exhausting fighting the same battles every day. I think many people continue to fight because of hope. They fight in the hopes that one day things will be better. But hope is a slippery slope too. Because it can be so fragile at times

The fact that you're dealing with so much physical pain right now is feeding the darkness. Darkness likes when we suffer. Pain feeds depression and depression feeds pain. Add in pain meds often feeding the thoughts. It's a triple threat. So you need to - be aware. I wanted to say be careful but that sounds so stupid 

You're not alone Iam. When my time comes there won't be anyone coming here to share that news either. The only people I have are the ones here. That's actually kind of sad really but maybe that's just the way it is for some of us - idk

You know though it does matter. It matters to us here on your thread. You would be missed by me and Tiny and Aurora and Helgafy. We all do really care about you even though we might be oceans apart

😴💤 Just woke up after another nap. As usual same dark thoughts. Went to the bathroom and then checked for arrival of the canes I ordered. As per usual, the pain has woken up and is angry.

Don’t get me wrong about the pain. The latest adjustment the doctor did with my pain medications has seen a definite decrease for a little bit anyway. I took the oxycodone at 12:15 PM so… 9 hours for the nerve and oxycodone combo medication and 3 hours for the oxycodone, up from nap and bingo, the alarm rang waking the angry giant. About 3 hours before next pills.

If I just am walking in the house after taking meds I can actually walk the distance of my house (which isn’t that big) several times with minimal pain, but once I twist or raise my arm up the pain slowly increases, if I lift anything more than a few ounces up the pain increases quickly.

Phone just actually notified me of arrival of the canes.

waddled out and brought them in . Sat on the edge of my bed, and with trembling hands due to the pain level now above the ten on the 1-10 scale, I unpackaged them and easily pit the top half onto the bottom and temporarily guessed the height adjustment . They are a walking and support cane, with four legs or feet, whatever you want to call them. I figured I would try them for going out to the mailbox and back.

Wheelchair is definitely too awkward and heavy for me right now to go out the door, down the steps and open back up, by that alone the pain would be excruciating,

The rollator walker is similar in issue too awkward for me to do the same simple task, the first part would aggravate the pain too bad too soon.

Will see with canes if that will help with anything. If not, for now I am out of ideas.

I have no idea as usual where my original direction was going here plus I can’t concentrate very well at the moment.

Throughout this latest ordeal, I have come to realize that even though I have struggled through a lot of long term pains in my life, periodically collapsing and not being able to get up for awhile (that I attribute to an old injury as a teenager, I got tagged by a bull when they kicked me with both rear hooves, 1 in each knee, actually just above. ) I didn’t go to the hospital for it. But over the years pain ranging from mild to severe would bother me in one or both knees, mainly in my left knee I believe. ) and periodically I get out of bed and collapse on the floor, sometimes able to get up, other times not so much, and the pain to drag across the floor is not worth it, just wait it out and eventually my body gives me permission to stand up again. The other pains are too many to rattle off at the moment, getting back to my original point, all those pain and aches are minor in comparison to this and the fact that I am getting used to this pain , even the pain that registers with the level of the satellites surrounding this planet. This fact of getting used to it is beyond scary. It always seems like once I get used to a certain pain a new one starts up, or an existing one cranks up a notch.

Obviously my self blame has reared its ugly head again lately. That self blame rides with self hatred and self deprivation. When they come forward, they have the full support of my issues. Which all that combined with the darkest of thoughts, doesn’t fare well for me. When that combination is riding high, I am getting buried deeper beneath my baggage mountain. The thoughts of that path of escape are so vivid and the ease of changing direction and taking that path appear so easy and tempting that I am almost being pulled there.

After all these decades I still do not have even a clue how or why I am still breathing, even after I have given in and taken that path(numerous times) .

That temptation is one yhat is offered to me on a daily basis, several times a day.

Being trapped in this bedridden state has definitely increased the invitations that I receive.

I think that somehow remembering to come here has helped a lot actually. Not completely sure how. But that doesn’t matter right now. Actually now that I think about it , I have had brain flickers but definitely not as often as before, another unexplainable thing.

I’m pausing again for now.

The different depths of depression and despair can be an extreme roller coaster ride. One that never stops at the on/off ramp, it will stop when the car you’re riding in is upside down and no matter what level you are on you are still too far from solid ground to unbuckle. You are stuck reliving whatever thoughts are on that particular level. . I say reliving because myself, I have been on this ride for decades, so the thoughts and feelings that are experienced at every millimeter of that ride I have experienced thousands if not millions of times throughout my lifetime. With that amount of time stuck on this ride, one would expect that I have noticed any and all wear points that might lead to an escape from this ride. Just the opposite. I have given up on ever getting off. I just close my eyes and let the ride run it’s course..

@Tinywhisper11

I hope this finds you feeling better ❤️❤️❤️Hugs ❤️❤️❤️

you are in my thoughts 💕💕I Love You 💕💕