Ramblings 3

@Iamwhoiamwhoami it's ok to talk about your past, even if it is such a hard memory to have🙁 I'm sorry sweetie. But at least we know that was the starting point of your brain flickers. Not remembering the whole truth of what happened, just completely messes with your mind. I've blocked out about a year or so, like I said brfore, it's a blessing and a curse 🙁 how are you feeling now? I mean with the fear and dread? That's probably one of my scariest moments to. Luckily it doesn't come often for me. I wish I could change your situation, but the best I can do is read your writtings. Knowing someone hears you, helps alot. And knowing at least here at cups your not alone, I hope is enough to carry you through those times you just want to give up. I love you ❤ 

@Tinywhisper11

As of right the dread and fear is gone the first and only time so far that it happened was this morning when I woke up. I am really wondering if it’s med related. The first few days I was taking the one med every 4 hours then it went to every 6 hours but when I woke up it had been about 8 hours. I am wondering if could have been a withdrawal symptom.

That is now a major fear for me , to have it happen again.

Hearing from you and the others is what keeps me going.

I will never have the right words to describe what you all mean to me. 💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕

@Iamwhoiamwhoami yeah it could well be the withdraw symptoms from the new meds. Side effects from meds can really mess with you for the first week of so🙁 however if it gets that bad you had to ring the ER for help, well if it happens again or to much, it's probably worth mentioning to your doctor ❤ I'm glad you got your walking aid coming today🙂 hopefully it will make a difference. Well done for having a shower by the way ❤❤ half a shower is better than none ❤ you did really well. And I'm glad you got a way to get food. I know how hard it was for you to ask for help ❤❤ hugs you tightly ❤ your doing really well ❤

@Iamwhoiamwhoami want to see something cute??? Well I'm gonna show you anyway 😁

Adorable ❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 😂😂😂😂 ❤❤❤

@Iamwhoiamwhoami ok I got to go play with my piggies ❤ I'll be back in a bit ❤ ❤

💕💕❤️💕💕

Have fun….

@Iamwhoiamwhoami coffee time😋 I took my meds, played with piggies. They are playing nicely on their own a minute😁 the past few days the weather has cooled down here to about 20 degrees, but today I'm already sweating it's 18 degrees and it's not quite 4am yet🙁 

@Iamwhoiamwhoami what kind of things do you drink?? I normally drink coffee, tea, and strawberry milkshake 😋 but the other week I tried pepsi cola. It's really nice. So I've been drinking that a bit more lately too

Mountain Dew, water and flavored water (electrolyte mix)

used to drink Pepsi

@Iamwhoiamwhoami oh what's mountain dew?? I think I've heard of that🤔🤔

Pepsi is nice ❤

It’s a citrus flavored pop/soda different flavor than pepsi

@Iamwhoiamwhoami oh ok. That sounds quite nice😋 I've only tasted cola flavour soda, at xmas. And now pepsi

I'm not brave when it comes to experimenting with different drinks, and foods. Got hooked on coffee, when I was in the hospital😂😂

Quit coffee a few years ago.❤️❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami yeah it's not great for your health. But my health sucks anyway, so might as well enjoy it😁

Keeping a positive mind is a lot of work and it takes a good amount of time as well and that is complete alright. You possess all the good qualities but it's just that you've been in the dark for long and it's totally understandable that it would feel like the dark is all that you've got. Everything comes from within and just as the dark got so dark with time so can the light be born again and be so bright with time. It takes so much dark to drown out the light but even a little flicker in the dark can be se seen from far away. As long as we keep going, we're growing<3 it takes time for all the little wins of everyday to accumulate and be something we can hold but all those wins no matter how small counts. 

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 

@Iamwhoiamwhoami you said you've been eating the same boring food. What goods have you been currently eating??

@Tinywhisper11

Microwaveable breakfast bowls, bagels and frozen single person pizzas

@Iamwhoiamwhoami oooo! Pizza😋 now I want a pizza

Still scared to go to sleep and wake up like I did this morning

getting ready to take my midnight pill, then see if I fall asleep or not

@Iamwhoiamwhoami it won't let me heart your comments😕 but don't worry I'm still listening and I'm still here ❤

being afraid to go to sleep is not nice 🙁bless you. I hope you have managed to dose off for a bit ❤ let us know how your feeling when you wake up ❤

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I cannot hear you snoring!?!?!

Can't sleep??

@Iamwhoiamwhoami hii sweetie ❤❤ I've just had a cold shower 😁 I'm a feeling a bit cooler now ❤

how are you? Did you manage to fall asleep? What was you like when you woke up??

has your food, and walking aid came yet???

hugs you tightly ❤❤

@Tinywhisper11

Finally fell asleep around three o’clock woke up around six thirty only half hour past time for meds. No problem with the dread or fear thing. Took meds and after awhile fell back asleep. Just woke up and noticed a few notifications of a couple mentions of me here . So came here to respond.

chair and the walker thing (can’t remember what it’s called) probably won’t be here until at least 12:00 it’s 8:44 now.

I just hope I can get it in the house. My crybaby self is a weakling now as well.

❤️❤️💕Receiving your hug and sighing in enjoyment 💕❤️❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I'm guessing your not feeling to talkative right now ❤ that's ok. But I will be going to bed soon, my pain levels are high, so I just took my meds. I won't be on here for much now today. So goodnight sweetheart, I'll talk to you tommorow ❤❤ hugs you tightly ❤I love you ❤❤

@Tinywhisper11

Goodnight beautiful friend, 💕💕Hugs 💕💕

Just sent a message to my doctor regarding Sunday morning issue and overall update on how medications are doing.

I think the darkest of thoughts complete override has backed off for now, I am tired but don’t want to sleep right now.

Ever have a period of time that you scan your eyes across an area and it’s like there is a half second delay between the image and where you are looking at?

you look from the right wall where there is a calendar across the room to the left wall where there is clock and as your eyes get to the clock it is the image of the calendar in your mind.

When I come here I feel strange. When someone reaches out to me I feel stranger. When I look back at my writings I often wonder if and when I wrote those things. There again I often wonder if I did a lot of things.

I have entered the snapdragon part of my life, part of me has snapped and the rest is draggin

Why must so many people suffer in silence, why must they suffer at all?

Why do I have so many questions and answers that don’t match the questions? Why am I such a mess? Why do I write so much here but in person I have trouble with my words? What does it mean when someone has been knocked down so many times they can’t get back up?

So many years of nothingness, of hiding the “seed”, the first realizations of details relating to the beginnings of who I was going to become. The fear of societies reaction, of what to do, how to be anything related to that information. Not understanding, not knowing love whether self or outward. The deep depression at such a young age, the knowing of the hate I would receive if people knew what was inside me.

I have to pause for a bit sorry…

The darkest of thoughts plaguing me at such a young age. Those thoughts were able to push me over the edge several times at that young age. Those thoughts were hidden with that seed at that time, I was around 5 or 6 , that is the earliest I remember. Hiding these ginormous things deep inside a child’s mind and continuing to hide it for a lifetime. I remember I had a broken family, like so many other people. I only remember pain , disappointment, fear , hatred(of myself), shame, confusion, the constant feeling of worthlessness. I still feel those things. But the difference is I am an adult (supposedly), 5 or 6 years old and carrying that kind of burden. With that kind of burden it only forces me to continue to add to the secrets over time. It is only a matter of time until that burden becomes too much to carry and something gives. That happened numerous times over the years. When I came here , I don’t remember when that was or when I started unloading some of that information here but I did and I continue to do that now. But time has taken its toll. Those burdens are still attached to me they took root all those years ago.

I am not sure why I am suddenly remembering these things but I am try to write them down before they are gone again.

I don’t know who I am and am beginning to think it doesn’t matter anymore. I am who I am . Whoever that is.

But I am also confused about hiding who I am and pretending I am someone who is “normal “ , doing so intentionally for so long, and now I am just as confused if not more so about who I am. Does that mean I have another issue on my pile, something like multiple personalities or something?

I am beyond confused,

I think I had another flicker episode, I am really confused at the moment, those things I just wrote in the last few segments I don’t remember writing and some of the things I wrote I don’t remember. But I believe that they are true statements that they did happen to me .