Ramblings 3
Nothing new, same issues . I miss the people here. I have been really struggling the last few months. I have been really trying and it seems like I am going back instead of forward.
I feel like I have no say in anything anymore. I have lost all confidence in my ability to make reasonable decisions. The temptation to completely give in and give up is overwhelming
To turn off everything and just lay here and let whatever happens happen. To say I have had all I can take. To just disassociate from everything and wither away. Like dust in the wind.
My brain is still halfway plodding along, and with the barrage of defeat that keeps getting poured over me , I have swallowed enough mouthfuls of that defeat. I am lost in every sense of the word. I try and grasp hold of the hands that are trying to reach out to me from here and I can’t seem to hold on.
I don’t know anymore.
The problem with giving up is that I am then proving what a complete failure I am by not being strong enough to reach out and hold onto those few that are really trying to help.
The question is why continue to reach out and hold on to them? The results still include the same things, It only tells me I’m holding on because I enjoy being miserable. The darkness that envelops my entire existence is intertwined with everything me. I fear that darkness infecting those that try and help me. My instinct is to keep everyone safe from this all consuming darkness. I can’t describe this darkness in terms that will make anyone understand. I experience its wrath every second of every day. The torment it creates is complete, meaning it has no boundaries, it infests every pore. The war raging inside me for as long as it has , needs to end sometime. I don’t know what anyone else is truly going through , and I can’t imagine what torment if any they experience, but knowing what I know about my dealings with this blackness, I don’t want anyone else to ever experience its wrath.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I'm here as a friend who will never let go of your hand or heart ❤ I understand your worries about bringing me and others here into the darkness too. But with me never worry, no one could ever dampen my spirit ❤ this is your place to be you, the you I love ❤❤ I understand the feeling of just overpowering feeling of just wanting to give up. In those times continue to reach out here ❤ I also tell myself you never know what is waiting just around the corner for you. Hugs you tightly ❤
It is getting near impossible to find a position that eases the pain. At times I wonder if it would be better if they just amputated my legs to get rid of the pain.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami hey! Then we'll be twins ❤ it's a scary thought to have though, bless you ❤
@Tinywhisper11 I gotta go ❤ I'll read the rest in a bit ❤ I love you
Twins… then I can easily say you got all the good genes. I got the scraps.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami 😂😂 we would look like this
I called around to try and find someone to mow yard and trim weeds/trees. Cheapest phone quote was minimum of 200 dollars. Mow around the house on a riding mower half an hour maybe a little longer the taller it is. Trimming weeds possibly around 45 minutes. I scheduled them then called them back and cancelled. The downside to small town living. Reality is I would just need an able and willing person, The mower is sitting there , I have gas cans with gas in them, I have battery powered weed trimmer, plenty of line and batteries.
I am sure they all didn’t want or need the job so they were pricing high to get me to refuse to hire.
That was definitely a little distraction from thoughts. Not from the pain but from thoughts. It was a complete waste of time but I seem to have nothing but currently.
This complete helpless feeling . It is not anything about it normal for me. I have always maintained on my own, not saying it was good or bad, I just struggled through and pulled myself to “safe” territory . I can barely rely on myself, yet I am being forced to trust and rely on others which is not in my nature either. I’m on unstable ground now, I don’t know the terrain at all. I am out of my element, I don’t know how to handle this much change at once. This is utter chaos. Anxiety is barely being held below panic mode. Too many levels of thought at once, The way things were progressing, I was sure that my brain would have shut down and anything like this that may or may not happen would be completely irrelevant.
Now, out of nowhere, I am in a scenario I was not remotely prepared for. A scenario involving trusting in others, involving me changing too many habits that have gotten me through in the past.
What happens when Monday comes? Besides anxiety peaking all day. I am the only one who is freaking out about this. Doctors are supposed to stay extremely calm and not get wound up. I am ok with that, I understand that. The longer this stretches out without any realistic evidence or proof of what the heck is happening to me , the sharper the edge I am balancing on becomes. Like balancing on a single strand of wire over an endless abyss, and that wire separates the two halves of the abyss. One side is the one I’ve lived in forever, the other is a new unexplored section of it .
I want to be able to just let go and easily accept whatever happens. To be like everyone else, speaking up and advocating for myself. But, reality isn’t that way.
I don’t like admitting I need anything from anyone. I fend for myself. I live in the shadows, I hide where I can’t be found. I let fear and misguided beliefs lead my life. At this point in my life, to change everything in the manner it appears it’s going to is gut wrenching.
In amongst this debacle, I do try to see something, anything positive. To be able to start getting some kind of better foundation underneath me. I am unable to do that.. This darkness I have built my shelter in has been my safe haven, and it feels like someone came in and destroyed it, invaded and desecrated my safe home. Then threw me in the ditch. I feel exposed and I don’t have any clue how to do anything, even to find shelter. I feel so beaten and exhausted.
One by one like pick up sticks the structure that I built to protect me has been picked apart and destroyed. Left in a new darker place trembling and cold.
I am so frustrated with my inability to do anything. Without causing extreme agony. My frustration level is as high as my anxiety levels. My inability to ignore this pain and do whatever I feel needs to be done, is not in my nature. Sitting on the toilet is extremely painful back and left leg is what goes into orbit, there is pain in the right but the rest of it takes 1st place. Then I have to stand back up and get to the bed. My home is not set up for this situation. I don’t have grab bars or a chair in the shower or anything like that. I have a lot of stuff piled around that needs put away so wheelchair is not an option. Though right now, I think a chair would be more of a hindrance than a helpful tool. I have roughly ten feet to the toilet from my bed, and the bathroom is relatively small. So logically thinking. It will probably not save me any pain, and the aggravation of getting in and out by myself then in and out again for a distance that short would be equal to crawling or dragging myself from one to the other.
