My daily ramblings
I am finally going to follow the lead and try and avoid posting in multiple different places. I am going to try and do most of my rambling in this thread.
My cognitive issues are making it harder and harder for me to focus on multiple things. That combined with my laundry list of other issues, makes functioning at all near impossible.
Having to go through medication experimentation again is going to make it even harder.
Whenever I have to refocus because I literally can’t remember blocks of time or where I am and why I’m here kinds of things , I’m usually able to come here and figure out through my posts and profile etc.
That has proven to not work very well at times. I wondered if I centralized my thoughts here that maybe that might work better.
That also keeps me from being a distraction from those who are more deserving than I.
I guess there’s something wrong with my dedication thing that is causing glitches here, so don’t go to it , I am sorry everyone,
I failed again.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami No my friend this isn't something caused by you. It's something that happens sometimes. They might be working on something somewhere else and it messed things up everywhere. You didn't fail at all! Please try not to think that way ❤️
I want to feel the love and kindness that have been shown to me. I feel nothing just blackness. I am truly thankful and appreciative and grateful for all of them, I just feel like a fraud because I don’t feel anything positive.
I want everyone to see what they inspired to be put together and dedicated to them I just don’t want any credit, I don’t deserve any.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami you do deserve it and its just a glitch hopefully will be fixed soon i know there are site updates going on and im sure a lot of frustrated people right now people post pics all the time its definately nothing you caused
@jennysunrise8
Thank you , I appreciate your reaching out to me. I understand the point you’re making. I’m sorry if I seem like I don’t understand what you’re saying.
My issues are running things at the moment and I am trying to stay with it.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami oh you dont seems like you dont understand at all i just didnt want you to think anything you did caused it i guess several glitches things are going on right now just one is we cant upvote some things not just there but all over 7cups just s you know... i tried to upvote this comment but couldnt not yet anyways i keep trying 😂
I’m ready for this battle to end. So be it if that means complete memory failure, at least the rest of the issues won’t matter anymore.
Weather is perfect for that walk. The opportunity has presented itself. But I have learned from past mistakes, I would only add to my issues nothing else. My problems are nothing compared to most everyone else’s. I’m just one who doesn’t have any issues that can be fixed, and I’m so self absorbed in my misery that emotions tried to grow and they withered before they could set roots.
Maybe I will get lucky and have a brain flicker and go for a walk . Maybe, just maybe….., I wish I could just rebuild the walls and go back to surviving. I don’t know if it was truly any different than now but , it seems like a good idea. Unpleasant memories of childhood plagued me today, I had a few flickers , I don’t think anything major,
trigger warnings…childhood trauma , suicide/suicidal ideation
I had visions of getting slapped in the back of the head frequently, along with getting the belt, and paddle nearly every night. Writing thousands of sentences. I remember a lot of the things I got this for was utterly ridiculous.
Grew up on the ritzy end of town so had a lot of uptight older neighbors. Turn bicycle around in their driveway, sentences an belt/paddle. Catch the corner, literally the corner of the grass while doing so, definitely belt and sentences. Complain about getting bullied, the same. Always doing something wrong in their eyes.
The images of the sexual abuse are horrific. The memories of the thoughts in my head back then …frightening.
The fact that I spent a lot of time at a very young age around ten, wandering around town by myself just to try and occupy my mind even then . Trying to not think the thoughts racing through my head back then. I was very close to that age when I first tried to end it. I tried several times throughout my younger years. Not necessarily in the traditional ways. I always got in the middle of the street fights and try and convince the aggressive one to fight me, I usually determined that by the first to draw a weapon, knife, gun or whatever. I was always doing stupid things to justify my own death. But I only succeeded in a lot of bodily harm.
I thought about ending it every day, actually that never stopped, I still struggle with suicidal ideation. With everything that was going on inside my head back then I never once considered doing what all these people are doing today . Creating so much tragedy because they are hurting. I don’t understand that.
I need to stop for awhile.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Good morning to you Iam.
@Helgafy
Hello, how are you doing?
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Hi - are you still there?
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
I'm sorry I didn't connect to you. I went to the group-room for a while to listen a bit and joined some discussions and I didn't get the message that you had messaged me. I'm sorry about that - better luck another day. I wish you all the best for this day. Let us both climb to our Father in heavens knee and stay there.
From Helga.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Hi Iam.
For my 70th. birthday I got a bonsai tree from my nephew, the trunk all turned and turned. Poor tree! (You can google it if you don't know what I mean). I think of the trunk as the sufferings in my life (and yours). But hopefully we will be at a peaceful place when finished.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
For you and for me Iam: Filipens 4.6-7.
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
The warning signs, this is ridiculous when this has been going on for so ling and with my memory issues I can still catch certain warning signs of issues acting up . Left eye feels like it’s twitching and right has trouble focusing. Either memory flashback or brain turning off.
I suppose I should get motivated and start taking down the trees and get it all boxed up to give away.
Not sure what else to do with all of it . It has served its purpose with me, maybe it will help bring joy or something else to someone else.