My daily ramblings

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Are there distractions that can help? Would talking with a listener help? Or maybe to draw or color? Something relaxing? I understand if they don't. Sometimes I feel this ungodly restlessness at times - I just want to crawl out of my skin. I usually go for a walk or find something physical to do - even if its cleaning

* sending you peace and good thoughts*

@mytwistedsoul

Thank you. Your concern is appreciated.

Too many different issues acting up all the time. They seem to all attack at once. I struggle massively with focus on mild day much less with being attacked from all sides at once. Trying not to retreat behind walls but I am seeing no other realistic options.

No worries though, all a day in the life of …..

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Sitting here with you

@scarletPear1945

Thank you, I appreciate your compassion and support

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

😍😍

@Iamwhoiamwhoami It does seem to go that way doesn't it - everything all at once. I know there's only so much we can do online but if there's anything we can do to help - please don't hesitate to ask ok?

Sits with @scarletPear1945 Hey Pear ❤️

@mytwistedsoul

Thank you for your understanding and support.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Hi brother on this earth.

I have written something to you on page 1.

From your sister on this earth Helga.

@Helgafy

I think I just read them, thank you as always . I I am grateful to have been in your prayers.

Why can’t I just lose the memories of the traumatic experiences? My brain is wreaking havoc with my memory and thoughts, so why save the worst ones and jumble them up and throw them up front in adapted to mess me up even more movies?

I probably should stop questioning these things because I will never know the answers. I should just shut up, lay down and accept all that comes. I can’t control it I can’t even minimize it, I am getting pummeled and I don’t have any strength left to even try.

Trigger warning…mentions of suicidal behavior

How low can I go? I don’t want to find out, but it seems I keep getting tested for how deep my despair can go. I thought I hit bottom a few years ago when my attempts failed and I checked myself into a hospital.

Here I am once again at what seems like ten levels below where I was then.

Suicidal ideation has played a big role in my depression all my life. I don’t pretend anything different. I understand what that makes people think so I don’t talk about it much, if at all.

I know when I pass I will not be one that leaves a hole in anyone’s heart. Comments may be made saying I will be missed, truth is not for long.

I have not left a mark in this world, I spent my life hiding from it.

I regret too much . I am satisfied with nothing I have done. As the days wear on, I become more and more aware that I will never be a happy positive confident person. The more struggles that are added to this mountain I am under the less able I am to breathe.

As far as the question of my intentions…. I am safe…..

I failed my attempts miserably the last time and I know that I am stuck in this *** called my life.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

I love your tree idea. I do a similar thing only with a photo book instead of a tree. It helps me.

Forgive me if I missed the answer to this question, but why do you have such cognitive issues?

@sophia789

Root cause hasn’t been determined. I have had a lot of concussions, last major one actually left a golf ball sized dent in my skull. I have a lot of issues, including obviously severe depression, which this last doctor is trying to blame these severe lapses on.

Thank you for asking, I appreciate your reaching out .

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Yikes, Iam. That sounds terrible. I'm no medical professional but that sounds significant enough to create issues for anyone. I'm sorry.

@sophia789

life goes on , it is what it is. What will be will be, que sera sera. It is frustrating and aggravating at times, but like the rest of my issues, it’s my burden to bear.

I truly appreciate your support and concern, thank you.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

If you need things to be simple, that is ok. It is not a good thing or a bad thing. It just is. You are not failing if you need things to be simple. Not at all. That is your depressed brain lying to you. Trust me. I've been there.

I feel compassion for you.

Sophia

@sophia789

Thank you for being so kind.

@sophia789

Thank you for being so kind.

@sophia789

i spaced out on the tree idea comment, sorry about that.

Thank you , I wish I could get back to a place where I had the desire to complete it.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Well, how about this for a start...

It takes some tenacity to write down your thoughts like you're doing, and guts to post them here.

Take that thought, if it means anything to you, and start a pile. Doesn't have to be a tree. Get a kitchen bowl or whatever works for you. I challenge you. :D

Sophia

@sophia789

?? I am a little confused, normal for me anymore, but challenging me to do what exactly? Write the things down on paper that I do here? I tried that and my handwriting is miserable, I can’t read my own words.

Thank you again for reaching out, I am always open to any suggestions or ideas.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Oh, I just meant instead of thinking of the tree thing as a huge project, just do this: write down ONE of the nice things someone said and put it in a bowl. Or a box. Someplace you can add more later if you want to. That's all.

I could have said I hope you might try that.

Does that help?

Sophia

@sophia789

I apologize, I have a difficult time understanding simple things anymore.

I grasp what you are suggesting now, thank you for clarifying for me.

I am grateful to you for reaching out.

@sophia789

I am going to try and complete the tree thing tomorrow.

I am having extreme focus problems today. Brain has turned off a couple of times but for example…I was typing a post and came to focus staring at the few words I wrote and completely unsure what I was writing.

I just realized another failing of mine.

when I was young, I was considered to be intelligent, now I can’t comprehend simple things.

I will lose something right in front of me… I can have a completely empty white table in front of me and set a dark colored frying pan in the center of it. And moments later have no idea where the pan is. Then proceed to spend the rest of the day trying to find it.

Could my memory issues be from Chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE)?

If so I may have gotten upset with the last doctor a little too much. They failed to mention CTE , just prescribed a medication that is listed mainly as for depression. But I have been trying to explore the possibilities that the internet world has to offer and found this info. It fits my situation but am I still grasping at straws? Official diagnosis is only after death, at least everything I have read so far has mentioned that.

What do I do now?

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Did you have concussion events? Can’t they see CTE in an MRI?

@hopefulPond6108 I am sorry I missed this question, no they can't. they can only see it by physically dissecting the brain. which of course means after I die. Thank you for asking though. It feels nice that others are at least curious about it. I appreciate it.

@hopefulPond6108 I am not very focused today either. I have had hundreds of concussion events over my lifetime. most considered minor and several that have put dents in the skull.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I’m so sorry. I’m sure you have already found the CLF Helpline. The website’s resource center claims their are treatments for symptoms. This must be so hard for you to be facing this as a possible cause.

@hopefulPond6108

CLF?? I don't know if I have or not but I did print out several info pages from several locations. I have done a lot of online research. Yes there are meds that they use to treat CTE but they are completely guessing. they are only treating the symptoms and that by far no guarantee of anything . What little they know about it doesn't help anyone. It can progress slowly or quickly. visible symptoms vary. Those who experience it seek help but like me they start to just handle it on their own because doctors sya that nothing is wrong or blame it on a red flag condition. there is a lot of people suffering from many issues that doctors don't have a clue about and too many just throw meds at a symptom. Which then it is the decide if the side effects are worse than the symptom.

I am thinking of trying to see if I can be a research patient or whatever you call it to maybe get into some trials. I really appreciate you doing a little research and reaching out to me thank you. I really do appreciate it. Thank you.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami CLF is the Concussion Legacy Foundation a non profit. I realize that there may not be cures. The helpline looked like they could hook you up with clinical trial symptom treatment.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I learned about CTE from the movie Concussion with Will Smith. I wish more people knew about it, especially parents.

@hopefulPond6108

CLF …. I did find a research center with those initials and have tried to contact them regarding being someone they could research.

If that is the cause, then it is still back to a “maintain” scenario. Medication to just maintain a steadier pace. With the usual side effects worse than the issue that trying to treat.

I don’t know what to do , I can’t continue this direction, yet I don’t have the strength to handle medication trials anymore. Especially when the best case scenario is to maintain.

I’m sure that all the positive people here would suggest doing the medication thing over nothing.

I just can’t make a rational decision anymore.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

What do you mean you can't continue in this direction? Are you saying you can't tolerate the depression? Are you saying you can't tolerate the cognitive challenges? Can you clarify?

Do you want to just write your thoughts in this thread, or is it okay to keep asking you questions?

Sophia