My daily ramblings

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

I did not succeed in posting, maybe this time:Hah - my earthly brother/friend.

I read your dream and had to laugh a little bit. When I was in my 20th I took a class in oil-painting. I painted a picture (I have it in the room where I sleep) that Pablo Picasso has painted. It is a woman standing in a room in her long, white dress and her nice hat situated on the floor. She is standing in a dark room and outside there is light in the distance.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

I did not succeed in posting, maybe this time:Hah - my earthly brother/friend.

I read your dream and had to laugh a little bit. When I was in my 20th I took a class in oil-painting. I painted a picture (I have it in the room where I sleep) that Pablo Picasso has painted. It is a woman standing in a room in her long, white dress and her nice hat situated on the floor. She is standing in a dark room and outside there is light in the distance.

Is there a purpose to my continuing to endure this nonsensical journey? A journey that’s definitely been a lifetime of trying to survive minute to minute. I never had a true path, I had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up. I still don’t know.

On a lot of levels I think mentally I am still that troubled child. Considering that I was a child when I started building the walls to hide behind, I probably am . I may have a lifetime of experience’s but there is a massive separation between the fake or false front me and the true me that lived behind those walls. .

So the question still lies in the name…

I am who I am who am I?

I know I have been adopted into this wonderful family, but that doesn’t take away the extreme loneliness I feel.

I choose to handle things the way I do, right or wrong. I sometimes think of reaching out to a listener, but my thoughts are so random and can range from extreme to extremely trivial. I don’t want to accidentally trigger any reactions by my ramblings. I feel guilty having others respond to my ramblings when they could be helping those who have an opportunity for a real future.

I am appreciative and grateful for everyone here. I don’t want to sound like I don’t.

I always am self conscious about bothering others with my issues when everyone else is struggling with their own plus they have others in their lives which adds to their drama.

I am losing the solution side of my thoughts. I am trying to gain but struggling to just maintain but I am steadily losing traction.

Reality….is it truly real? Everyone pretending they are someone they’re not just to impress someone or try and make themselves feel good. How many people change directions through out their lives because they realize the path they’re on doesn’t make them happy. But yet the false front they try to act out is that their reality is their happiness in everything they do when deep down they are clearly not.

Trying so hard to please everyone else but never themselves, not exploring who they truly are on the inside and bringing that person to the forefront and living as they were meant to would be a truer reality.

This isn’t much easier to refocus with everything in one area. My thoughts go too many directions at once it seems.

It happened again, several times I think, within a short time span. I finally drug myself out of bed into the shower and I didn’t know if I started bathing yet . I have a routine that I follow because of my memory issues, so , I start all over. Due to the fact that I ran out of hot water I think it happened multiple times.

I don’t remember the writing the things I did this morning.

Which leads me to ponder why I would be concerned about losing all memories if my life was so miserable.

I think it’s more about losing my ability to take care of myself and having to rely on others to care for me and I probably wouldn’t even have the mental capacity to properly share my appreciation for their efforts.

Maybe when that happens my social anxiety and everything else will disappear also and I will be free of all my “demons”.

Why do I bother continuing this path. I am destined to finish my journey on the same level and direction I started on. I may have strayed to different paths but they all veered back to the original route.

The strength I used to have to survive day to day no longer exists. I can’t imagine continuing this uphill struggle on the downhill side of my journey.

Between the lifelong struggles, the daily aches and pains, and the endless additions I seem to keep receiving (like I am handling the ones I already have and can handle more?) and my brain’s decision to start shutting down, I am out of desire to continue to try.

I can’t get back to enjoying every moment as if it’s my last kind of feeling that this community helped get me to a short time ago.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami My friend, I’m sorry you’re feeling badly. It sounds like you’re missing the positive feelings. I believe we humans tend to believe that our positive feelings should persist once we have found something that helps us. But we are not wired like that, we habituate. We have to wait out the bad feelings for a short time and also rediscover our happiness. Sometimes that means readjusting to changing circumstances. I have many times faced “one more thing” piled on top of all the other things and thought, “no this is too much”. It’s my hope that you’ll come to find bits of happiness again. Most of us have a favorite food, like ice cream perhaps. The first few bites are great, the next are good, and eventually we don’t get much pleasure out of eating more at the same sitting. We habituate. Wait a few days and eat ice cream again and we have adjusted back to where the first bites are good. Perhaps you habituated to the good feelings and need some rest. I hope this helps.

@hopefulPond6108

Thank you for those wonderful words.

I agree with what you are saying, I just don’t want to take a break from this place for fear of not finding my way back.

The ordeal from the other day and the unkind words that were said still torment me on a very deep level.

If I could just get past it and let it go , I might have a chance.

Anyway, rambling over.

Thank you again for reaching out to me and sharing your kindness and support.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I didn’t mean taking a break from 7 Cups. It’s more a suggestion to accept that your happy feelings may fade and come back again later.

@hopefulPond6108

Thank you

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Hang in there and remember it all works out in the end. If things are not working out right now then it's not the end.

@indigoCherry6084

Thank you for your kindness

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

I am inviting you to join me in the Sharing Circle chat room where you can share witother members of 7Cups.com !! 😊

@hounddog2021

Thank you for the kind invitation, I am going to decline. I ramble about what thoughts I can wrangle long enough to write down. And I have many at once, the topics can vary. Also 7 minutes is a lot of time but it can take me that long to grab a thought and type it. My lack of focus doesn’t help in following others writings either. So , for now my sharing stays out here.

I highly appreciate your kindness and invitation.

Thank you.

I have a lifetime of experiences that I don’t remember, and a lot of memories I would rather forget. I have finally have begun to find myself, literally. I have been adopted into this family this community. I had begun to experience and explore new positive emotions. I let them get ripped away.

Throughout these new experiences, I have remained thankful and appreciative of everyone here. I struggle to remember a lot of things. I have missed people who have reached out, I try to remember to try and find these missed writings, so I can be sure to let them know I appreciate them.

I am finding it more difficult everyday to navigate my way through here. I am thankful for every second I have here.

Trigger warning mention of suicide

In responding to someone else’s thread I opened up an old wound of my own.

Not the fact of my failed marriage, but my failings as a parent and the blame I feel for an adult/child taking their own life because I failed as a parent and as a human being. I was so wrapped up in my own misery and blaming everything on my then wife, I failed to recognize the destruction that all of that was creating.

My mistakes caused so much pain that someone took that extreme measure to escape.

I am so sorry, I can’t change what happened I can only live with the guilt.

That is another reason why I believe I am being punished by having to try and endure more and more misery and pain.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami My friend, I’m sorry you are suffering pain from your past mistakes. Would you have intended these mistakes? I believe that you deserve to forgive yourself. The universe doesn’t need to punish us for our mistakes, we are very good at punishing ourselves. I wish you would pick up this medicine called self forgiveness and keep taking as needed.

@hopefulPond6108 Thank you as always for your kindness, compassion and support.

That is a medicine that I have been struggling to take in regards to a lot of things. This. this. travesty this completely irresponsible lack of everything that i did that contributed greatly to that decision of that young man to completely give up. that tragic loss of life was my fault and that is a pill that I have swallowed and it There is not a pill of self forgiveness strong enough to overcome that. I don't think I can ever forgive myself for that.

That is my burden to bear my friend, and I just carry that along with all the others, No worries I have it all under control.......NOT,,, That is why I am here and presenting my ramblings for the world to see.

In hopes that maybe someone can see the effects of bottling up and hiding for a lifetime and take the measures they need to take to not just survive in this world but to thrive in it.

Thank you again I appreciate all your support and wisdom.

The memories lost and the memories regained…., I forget some and remember others always remembering not so good ones.

I try , really try and remember just one good, positive thing and if there were any they’re staying hidden from me.

But it’s getting tiring to only remember the negative things, which were plentiful to say the least .

It’s like a short film running on a loop .

Reminding me of my misery . My brain shuts off turns on reboots and more negative memories emerge.

I get it … I messed up and failed at life why is whoever in charge constantly making me remember these failures in brilliant HD colors. Day after day night after night,

I am sorry for all the mistakes I made , the people I unknowingly hurt along the way, for not being the person I should have been.

I know I can’t change the past . And self forgiveness is a key element, I am not to that point yet. I want to be but obviously I’m not quite there.

Hiding from life was not my worst failure but ranks up in the top ten. The failures at parenting are at the top. Understandable I think, considering.

I am really teetering right now.

@juliak1968

I really enjoy your count to a million, I was trying to match you on number counts but my focus is really off and one or two is surprisingly difficult and frustrating for me . I look at the last number and go to post and forget the number. Sorry, I am sure you don’t care but I wanted you to know why I stopped doing it the way I was.

Thank you for being a wonderful part of my journey.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Hi, I'm glad you are enjoying the count to one million goal, it will take many years to complete it but I imagine a day in the future when somebody puts in 1000000 :-) Thank you for helping!!~

Blessings, Day

@juliak1968

Hopefully that will be you.

I sometimes wonder if there is a true purpose to the cards we’re dealt, or if it’s truly random dumb luck.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

When life was the most difficult I would thank God for choosing to test me and I would aim for a high grade!~ It's a blessing to be chosen.

Blessings, Day

@juliak1968 Thank you again for your gracious wisdom. I am truly appreciative.

@juliak1968

Friend.

"When life was the most difficult I would thank God for choosing to test me and I would aim for a high grade!~ It's a blessing to be chosen."

I could never, never say that. I never, never like/accept my suffering even if I'm a Christian and the Bible talk about us being cleansed in fire as gold has to be cleansed from dirt. Well, well.

@Helgafy

I'd like to think we are all being tested here on earth and will be rewarded for the kindness we show to our fellow man.

Blessings, Day

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Of course there's a purpose, learn from successes and failures and grow to the next level. Take care.

@indigoCherry6084

Thank you for reaching out with your kindness.

I actually managed to start the process for the tree idea. But my new printer decided to be the blockage in that idea. I finally got too frustrated and gave up.

Story of my life.

Everything I try to do something always blocks the way, I am tired of trying.

Still teetering, and losing balance.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I’m sorry that this has frustrated you. Have you considered that perhaps the printer is not the point? The tree, the intention, may be more important than the actual printing. And as frustrating as this is, this is the story of all our lives. Nothing goes to plan for any of us. We improvise. Maybe take a deep breath, alter your plan or try again later, say tomorrow or in a few days perhaps?

@hopefulPond6108

Thank you for reaching out with your kindness and support.

You are correct that is probably why . As far as this project goes, I don’t know what I will do, I attempted to get on track with it out of obligation not because I felt the same desire that I did when I first mentioned it. I need to complete it t, because I suggested it and it would be my way of paying tribute to everyone here.

I need to get that desire back.

I am as always, very appreciative and thankful for you and you support.

Thank you.

Confusion is the way of life for me. I accept that. If my destiny is struggling to comprehend most everything going on around me , so be it.

I don’t understand completely the why’s behind it but I don’t have a choice in the matter so I will accept my fate.

I have so many visions/flashbacks of things I don’t know if they are truly real or any form of things that happened anymore. Or is it me losing a grip on everything.

I wake up after an hours sleep remembering vivid things. Though they fade as with most other thoughts, They are so vivid, I wake up sweating and shaking.

Throughout the day I experience similar things, I have a brief thought/picture in my head, and throws me for a loop.

Such is life, that is the plan for me . I accept it.

Why is it that every time I go to the doctor for one issue, I come home and new issues arise?

Brain scan MRI , during which I start having severe pain in my arm, said something to technician and they brushed it off. Now pain is worse and massive bruising and it appears that area in center of pain is actually shrinking or caving in.

I am to the point of just letting whatever happens happen . The point of going in to get treatment from the same ones who keep making things worse doesn’t seem like a good move either.

I feel like I am just wasting resources that others who are actually living can utilize.

I need to just find that strength to follow through on my original plan.

That would be the most effective path.

What happened to the days of doctors actually listening to their patients? Now it seems that they treat the symptoms with medications but the root cause and what the patient is saying is happening to their own body have no relevance in anything. I had a doctor when I was young that I called and explained what was going on, I went in to have them verify and lo and behold I was treated whether with surgery or cast , whatever. The point is that they listened and the issue was addressed and solved relatively quickly and successfully.

Now it seems because I am very vocal and don’t hide my severe depression, every single thing that happens is because of that. I scratch my arm at work….it’s because I am depressed. Bite my cheek chewing food, depressed. Catch a cold…….depressed.

This world has become so set on finding blame as quickly as possible that facts don’t matter. Can’t officially fix something if you don’t look at all the evidence. And find the real cause of the ailments. There can be multiple different issues needing multiple different treatments.

It seems that reality is a thing of the past and those struggling are just supposed to curl up and take it.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami. I agree it’s very frustrating to have what be medical problems blamed on depression.

@adventurousBranch3786 Thank you for reaching out.