Beginning trauma exposure therapy - 22 years later
Hi 7 Cuppers :),
I’m Bee. I joined 7 cups for anxiety support awhile ago, but I’m new to the Trauma Support community because I wasn't ready to be here.
But that has changed! I’ve had times of severe anxiety and depression my entire life, and then survived trauma 22 years ago. I was diagnosed with PTSD at that time, but did not receive appropriate treatment. I was lucky to have wonderful therapists since then, but was not honest about my trauma.
Now, much, much later, I’m going through some health issues. I really started physically struggling after an Epstein Barr Virus (Mononucleosis) infection almost 3 yrs ago. Four months ago I decided to take a medical leave, invest in my health and to deal with my trauma for the first time. I knew seeking help for my physical symptoms but keeping my trauma private, would keep me trapped. So I was (finally) honest with my Drs about my struggles, got some clarifying physical diagnoses, am on new medication, and am in Trauma specific treatment.
In my therapy we are about to begin Exposure therapy... holy crap. I am terrified! 22 years later, here I go!
I am planning on returning to work soon, part-time at first. I am anxious about participating in this very challenging exposure therapy when I’m already feeling physically depleted, and then on top of it, go to work ( argh social anxiety! covid anxiety!) and be expected to perform, problem solve, be a leader?
My next appointment with my therapist is in 2 days...She won’t pressure me if I’m not ready, but I don’t want to live with such fear, shame and guilt anymore. I deserve better. I lived 22 years carrying weight I’m ready to put down.
@tophat22 thank you so much! Hey there! Welcome to our community.
First things first, I'm really proud of you for being honest about how you're really doing. I know how difficult it can be to reveal the ugliest, most vulnerable parts of your life, but know that recovery is worth it.
I myself have not gone for therapy for the trauma I experienced a decade ago, mostly because I'm still a teenager living under my parents' roof with no way of getting help without them knowing, but even talking about it here has really helped.
Exposure therapy sounds awfullly terrifying, but I know you got this! You've been through the very worst, and come out strong, even though you feel so weak physically. The road of healing may not be a linear journey, but there's always hope that things get better, as long as we keep trying.
You do deserve better. You do deserve to rest easy and be able to relax. You deserve to be free from all the hurt, weariness, and fear. You deserve to crush it at life without the weight of what happened holding you back. Go get it, my friend! ❤️
Tomorrow could be the beginning of my exposure therapy.
If I decide Im ready I’ll be asked to speak factually, in the present tense about my trauma. I have a reaction to even writing that sentence. Of course I have feelings of fear, shame, and embarrassment, but also confusion and uncertainty with my lapses in memory. I wonder how I will be willing to overcome the decades long urge to hide from it? Its hard to put more value on the long term benefit of opening up, rather than the tried-and-tested strategy of locking it down.
Arrrrgggghhhh!!!!
I really need to tell certain people about what I will be going through, because I will need their understanding and support ( and its important for me on my healing journey). But that does mean...verbally recognizing that I have survived trauma. That feels scary. I know I am in control of what I do and don’t share, but I’ve always protected myself by keeping the whole issue a secret.
I feel stressed today. Nervous, terrified, vulnerable. Gah!
super
@BumblebeeHeart Hi I wish you all the best. Therapy can be very hard to do for trauma.I have done it also and found it difficult but worth it. I hope that we can support you here.
Hello 7 cuppers,
This space is a real part of my journey, so if you are reading this,
Thank you for being with me ❤️
@BumblebeeHeart
Hi! I know a lot of times for me, if I'm overwhelmed, sometimes verbally expressing things can be hard, but writing or typing is easier. I don't know if you'd be allowed to go that route for your therapy as sort of a first step, but maybe worth a try? Then once you've written or typed it out, try to read it aloud, so it's a step removed from freely talking about it. You don't have to jump straight into talking if you don't think you can handle it - baby steps are still steps! If you feel like that might be something you want to bring up with your therapist, they should hopefully understand, or worst case scenario, they'll explain why that might not be best for your case.
I hope you're having a good day, or at least hope that you're ok/coping :) sending non-intrusive hugs! <3
Hi 7 Cups friends ☺️,
Glad to be on the other side of my therapy appointment. I so get anxious before!
I wasnt’t sure what to expect today. How intense it would be, how I would react?
Would I remain present?
Would I cave to the desire to run ? (It’s especially easy with video chat - click!)
Could I actually speak my story? Could I say certain words?
I before my session I was was gathering my
Arsenal of Self-Care Tools!!
I don’t know what I’m doing! I am a novice at self-care! But if I have found something over the years that helped me even a wee bit, I had it close by. Anything -from grounding tools, comforting tools, to healthy distractions. Since I’ve found I respond to engaging my senses, I had hot tea, sour candy, weighted blanket, mirror, something to fidget with, even my sunglasses amongst some other things. For me, in the past, wearing sunglasses has helped me talk about tough things, I can dim out sensory input to my eyes, it also give me a bit more of a feeling of security. I cry... alot.. and I know I do not need to be ashamed of my tears. But, one thing at a time, its ok to make things easier for yourself to get through tough times. ❤️
Hi 7 Cuppers .
I attempted to post earlier this week but had some technical trouble with the app (you know when you type out difficult stuff, and then it gets deleted, and you just don't have the energy to redo it?), its easier for me to type posts on my laptop.
Wow, its been quite a week. I've had multiple sessions, diving the <bleep> into my trauma head first. Its been really challenging, emotionally overwhelming at times, and freaking physically draining. I've been sweating through my shirts, yet feeling cold and in a hoodie, trembling, no appetite, not sleeping and not able to hold my bladder. Yikes.
But I am willing to keep going!
Nice and slow and at my own pace (because there is 'beaucoup de crying') in my exposure therapy I tell a piece of my trauma. I write that piece down in a special journal I made. I read it every day. Each session I am adding a chunk. I write it down, and read it every day.
I have told the 'bones' of the story after several sessions. My sexual assault has been said out loud for the first time. 22 years later! That is a bizarre accomplishment. It is still very new to me, and it has of course brought up a lot of 'old' feelings of fear. Flashbacks too. Damn they're disturbing. I was listening to my partner and had a flashback and made a pained, disgusted face, my poor beloved partner was momentarily very confused.
It is also very new to me to hear feedback about my trauma. I intellectually understand trauma and its implications, but I've staunchly refused to ever apply it to my own life. Absolute avoidance has been my coping mechanism.
Hearing 'this person was dangerous', this was 'a crime', even the fact that when I froze, my body was protecting me, and I didn't consciously choose to not fight or run. Hearing that freezing might have saved my life, even the fact that my life was in danger is a new thought for me. It adds a bit of disbelief and shock to the varied cocktail of feelings while I process trauma right now. 
I'm giving myself all the slack I could possibly need right now. I recognize this is extremely difficult. I'm changing years of neural pathways and reactions, it is taxing.
My therapist has taught me some exercises to help me cope and deal with this process. Tools like EMDR, Somatization, Mindfulness etc. I've learned some of these before, but I feel like a baby right now, and am hungrily looking for tools, so it feels new again somehow.
This baby is a little lost, but figuring it out, so glad for the support of my loved ones, therapist and you all at 7 Cups 
@BumblebeeHeart
I'm so proud of you for your progress so far! It really is hard to recognize that something you may not have thought of as dangerous or a crime actually was (unfortunately relatable), but the good thing is, you can find confidence in the fact that you survived, and you're taking steps to thrive in the aftermath ! You are strong, you are resilient, and you are incredibly brave to seek help. When you feel overwhelmed by it, just remember that yes, you went through it, and that's truly awful, but you came out the other side of it, and you are so much more than your trauma!
Be gentle and generous with yourself; healing is a difficult process <3
@BumblebeeHeart
I wanted to say that, reading your enteries on here, you've been really brave and its really inspiring how u are moving forward in ways that u think are the best for u. I relate alot with hearing feedback about trauma. Also with intellectually understanding that the trauma that happened was the fault of the perpetrator, but still not being able to comprehend or accept it fully. I think self blame and self doubt following trauma, really makes coping difficult. But I'm so very proud of u and I hope u can be proud of yourself too 💟
Hello all
I am so grateful to have found a therapist trained in trauma exposure therapy and EMDR therapy whom I feel safe with and trust to open up to. I am also so grateful that they are telehealth appointments, so I don't have to GO anywhere, really allowing me to stay more calm and I think make more progress. How was I so lucky to find her on my first try?
I am due to return to work this weekend. I will begin to juggle some outside responsibilities while working on this internal journey.
...and this internal journey is hella rough! Its been A LOT to deal with these last two weeks (that long? holy moly!). Some symptoms of PTSD have increased during this therapy, but we discussed that possibility and I felt I could handle that while being able to stay home and not work. Now that I will be interacting socially outside my inner circle, and being in public, I am aware of insecurities rising as well.
No idea how this is going to go!
Hi All, Its been awhile. 🌼 I am still doing trauma exposure therapy. Its been about 10 weeks, 17 sessions and daily homework. Its been a stressful, life-changing intense time. I am incredibly lucky to be able to actually have therapeutical help. I want everyone to have access to help and Im so angry and disheartened that this is not the case. All you 7 cuppers out there ... I hear you. I am drained, but stronger I am scared, stressed and have felt like my teenage self again, but I am grounded in my 40 year old self I have cried and yelled at my loved ones, but I’m forgiving myself and building a new way of interacting with my family I have a lot of complicated thoughts and feelings that I would love to express here. Its helpful to write it out. Its helpful to read. It maybe helpful to others as well ...but I am tired and struggling and don’t feel up to it right now. and thats ok too. Much support and non-invasive hugs to those in need. ❤️