Some edgy journal name **trigger warning: child abuse, sexual assault, self harm, suicide**

Been a long old while since I've been on 7 cups. I likely had an old journaling thread but no way was I going searching 3 years back to find it.

So to present day: I am in a strange situation right now. I am spiraling rather badly. I'm honestly still considering taking myself up to A&E (ER) and telling them I need help. I know I likely do need help now. In a odd moment of rather dissociated clarity I realise lots of things have gone too far. Its like I am so so so aware that things are very VERY wrong. I am not thinking clearly, but at the same time I feel like I can see myself falling off the edge of a cliff. Currently I feel like dissociation is much better than the flashbacks that preceed it, they are not rational and I am begining to get more and more scared for my life while in them. Though not quite enough to also get over my existental fear of COVID. I have bad asthma and honestly have some pretty bad luck when it comes to breathing issues, so I cannot afford to risk this mess. However I imagine it will get to the point where the risk will be worth it as my chances are lower if I don't go.

I am contacting crisis lines. I am talking to people. I've cut out my friends and my family but I can't cope with explaining all this mess to them. I would rather stay cut off. My partner is wonderful and is making it his mission to drag me out of my head atleast once a day. Today I made cupcakes. I also wrote a suicide plan, but I made cupcakes. I feel dizzy with how quickly I am flashing between unbearable emotional pain and just nothing. I am now in the denial phase, soon I will re-realise break down and cycle again.

I've got some new memories, or atleast that moment when memories that have been acting like repelling magnets suddenly fall together. That sinking feeling in my stomach, the constant lump in my throat. The nightmares and anxiety. The dissociation from a very young age. My memory being totally unstructured and patchy at best for most of my life. The fact that I am just not getting better. Infact I am getting worse. Its funny because this isn't the first time, but last time I managed to convince myself it was lies. Now I am struggling to. Things are falling together that didn't before and stuff I can barely comprehend feels like its strangling me. The little girl who lives in my head and doesn't speak or move. Who's trapped.

Its been a long string of triggers to get here. First years and years of talking therapy, but it was skimming off the top, never solving the problem. Always if I left for too long the bucket overflowed again. Then the art therapy, the one where I was acually trying to get in contact with emotions after many many years of not wanting to. And I succeeded to an extent. I found I did have some emotions. But feeling them was still so very far out of my reach. Then I took a break. I decided to make a scrap book for my grandma out of old photos of us. And just those cold dead eyes. I cannot get them out of my head. I slowly declined over the months of putting that book together, it felt like I had started opening pandoras box and I just couldn't close it. My mum told me stories of neglect as a child, how they left me for hours, how they screamed all the time. I put together some stories of my own like why I am terrified of baths. And all these bits were scratching in my brain. I started remembering a friend at school threatening her dad had a gun that if I didn't do what she wanted he would shoot me. I remember being told the about a boy at school who was inappropriate when I was 6 and how I was quizzed for hours about if my father abused me. I remember feeling proud of being daddies girl. I remember other stuff I am not entering into now. Theres bits that don't fit. Puzzle peices I don't get. but honestly I am terrified of the results of this puzzle. So many other therapists have asked me, said I showed all the signs. But I laughed them off, no, that would never happen. I would remember.

But I didn't remember. And right now I am going to pretend nothing happened. Because accepting this changes my reality in an unacceptable way. In a way I don't know how to face.

@Lilibuth12- do you mind if other members reply to your post? Just wanted to know I noticed your thread. Believe it or not- you are not alone on 7 cups. If you need to chat with someone- give one of the listeners a chance. Take care.

@barncat
Hey thanks for your message. I don't mind people commenting but appreicate the asking! Sometimes you need to hear your not on your own even if your reality is an experiance you do not wish shared.

RE: listeners, I've had some pretty mixed results so will likely avoid as I am rather easy to set off right now. I do use the group sessions some though and have found them useful.

@Lilibuth12- just wanted to let you know I replied to your initial post- and then saw your lengthy post after mine was sent. Anyhow welcome back- glad to hear you have dropped into some of the group support chats too. I respect your story and especially the courage to put it out here. It sounds like today was pivotal for your mental health. Hope you are getting the support you need. Please take care.

Just going to keep posting in here because I need a place to put my thoughts.

Has it ever suddenly occured to you just how little you remember about your life. And with how little emotion you view your life? Its like ever since I realised EMDR was about getting in touch with how I feel the flood gates have opened. And not in a way I expected. I expected tonnes of fear of violence. Which there is. But its the other incidious stuff that makes my stomach sink. Digust, shame, not wanting to look in the mirror, feeling helpless, broken, damaged beyond repair, trapped and helpless. Sick and anxious and exhausted. Never enough. A deep deep understanding of dissociating. How if you looked over there you didn't have to participate in here. How you could just switch off. How Alice was made. My "inner child" is broken beyond repair and I am utterly horrified by how much I hate her. And I mean hate. I don't get it. Nothing makes fucking sense. None of this is in my story of my life. But the story of my life has never had emotion before. I don't get it. I'm either having a psychotic break or this is real. And right now I want a psychotic break more. I am so so unprepared for whats happening here.

I have never felt like a fully formed person. But I've never been able to explain why I feel so devistatingly broken. This is not the answer I wanted.

Hi Lilibuth,

I don't know if you remember me, but I remember you. I never know what I'm supposed to say in this situation. It's nice to see you, not nice circumstances? I'm so sorry to hear that you're dealing with so much pain and dissociation. It is so frustrating when we don't feel in control of our minds, the one thing we are supposed to be in control of.

At the end of the day, you know what's best for you, and if you need the hospital to keep you safe then you should listen to that part of you. Sometimes the only goal is to stay alive, and if you feel you need their help for that, it's ok to seek it out. I know it's scary with COVID and everything, but we do what we need to do to survive, one step at a time.

EMDR is so intense. I really connected with what you said about it feeling like floodgates opening. EMDR isn't just a pandora's box, it's so much more than that. Those feelings you talked about like shame and guilt, when I did EMDR I realized that almost every negative feeling I had CAME from that shame. It sounds like you're currently wrestling with your deepest cause. The thing that continues your trauma - shame. It is overpowering and debilitating, but it doesn't have to last forever. It sounds like you've done a lot of work so far on yourself and your trauma. I know how exhausting this work can be, but you are so so strong for what you've done up to this point. Your future self will look back at this time with so much love for you and the strength you had to get through this. I'm not going to say you owe it to your future self because that feels manipulative, but I will say that I truly think that you are capable of getting through this and your reaching out for support on 7cups is proof that you're continuing to find ways to fight every day. That is so amazing and shows such intense resilience. Do you know what was a the bottom of pandora's box? It was Hope. She was in there with all that desolation. Because in our darkest times there is always hope. (I am trying desperately to find a less corny way to say that and I am completely unsuccessful, please forgive me.)

@Hoxenos

OMG the old guard ;) hehe good to see you. I definatly remember. Thanks for replying honestly it meant alot to me and you said some really great stuff that along with the mess that was today has helped me come back just a little more to myself. There is hope in there, and also, it has a bottom. Its not endless. Which I really needed to be reminded!

Sorry I don't have more spoons today to write a longer response, but wanted to say thanks! I hope you are doing well :) <3 nice seeing a friendly face around here :)

Wow. I just wrote a really long post full of positive things today in an attempt to write a positive journal entry and it got blocked because I mentioned stuff that meant 7cups thought I was in a crisis (to be fair it was right lol). So this is round two a much shorter version ahahha.

- I cried ALOT and I mean alot. I ended up on a call to 2 crisis lines and told them how I felt, then broke down at my partner and honestly feeling alot better for it. Still very dissociated, but thats a huge improvement right now.
- I played some video games and concentrated for more than 5-10mins, which is honestly a relief its been so long since I've been able to.
- I have a date for a proper mental health assessment, not sure what to expect but atleast its something!
- I went for a walk.
- I thanked my partner for how awesome hes been through all this and reminded him that I knew it was very stressful and I didn't need him to be perfect, just thanked him for being there. I think he needed that so pleased I did.
- I pushed back my suicide plans, decided each day I go to bed feeling like I can, I will push them back a day. Maybe thats a small win, but its a win for me. Hopefully I won't need that some day, but right now I am just thankful I have the choice.
- My dissociation means I can barely feel the migraine I know I have, which is amusing me. And the pain is also simultaniously pulling me out of my spiral, which is a huge relief. Never thought there would be a day I would happily have a migraine ahha.

And finally, despite the universe (7cups) conspiring against me, I managed this post. And its positive. And a journal entry. And I am damn proud of myself.

@Lilibuth12

I know I'm just an internet stranger but I'm so proud of you! Amazing job today! Something you said reminded me of one of my favourite sayings: Your success rate at getting through the day is currently 100%. (And for those keeping score, that means you're perfect :D)

@Hoxenos Thanks :) I really like that saying <3 it is definitely about the level I am at right now ahha.

I want to keep being positive. But today just hadn't been a positive day for me. I will add in little subsection of positive things further down, its a good habit I think.

Today had just been depressed. That overwhelming fog of nothingness that comes with dissociation and brain fog. I just can't feel much of anything right now, just... depression. Which is putting me in a conundrum. If I leave this safe place I have to face things I know I am not mentally prepared to deal with. Stuff that makes me incredibly unstable. So I stay in this protective head fog I guess. Yeh intrusive thoughts keep kicking their way in, but I am actively kicking them back out again. Telling them they are lies. That its not true. That I am a disgusting person for even thinking them. How can I think that of people. How messed up do you have to be to even imagine this. I know its not healthy but the alternative right now isn't pretty either.

So I read half of Complex PTSD from surviving to thriving, that old classic, finally. Honestly prefered The body keeps score, for all the horrifically triggering material it contained. But then I am a more "logical" than "emotional" person when it comes to understanding the world. I don't need to be validated by someone else emotionally, I just need some proof that what I am experiancing is normal considering what happened. And well that book did it well. If you want compassion though, go for the other one, The body keeps score is clinical. Find it interesting though with all of these books. I can read the start, the explaination and the "the trauma" section. But I just absolutely cannot bring myself to read the "treatment" or "help yourself" sections. I just can't read any further. I've tried but I just can't. I don't want someone telling me I am fixable, I don't want to be easily fixed. I want the treatment to be as painful as the experiance. I want to relieve the horror again and again. I want this life to be as horrible as my head is. I want to suffer. And I still don't know why.

Talked to a friend today on the phone. Realised how one sided our relationship is. Shes been struggling mentally recently and I've heard all about it. All her struggles, self harm, plans. And I am in this situation and I can't get a word out. I just can't say anything except to strangers. I can barely stand telling my partner. I barely trust him. The trust he has is hard won. But I don't trust anyone else. Not my sister, my friends. Definatly not my family. I am an island, and I will go down that way it seems.

So in the name of trying to be positive I am adding in this section:
- I called the doctor today. Despite my fear of them. He sounded concerned, which was kinda nice. I need someone to be concerned, I am struggling to be. He gave me anti depressants, but only 7 which made me laugh, hes holding the drugs hostage so I go to the next appointment. Its kinda cute.
- I got out of bed before I spiraled this morning, kinda proud of that.
- My cats were cute today, very cuddly. One keeps trying to steal cupcakes, which is adorable.
- I ate breakfast, lunch and dinner (and a cupcake) it wasn't much, but it was something.
- My partner loves me very much.
- I wrote the stupid positive section despite the fact it took me half an hour.

New section in order, goals for tomorrow:
- Have a shower. We start small, but I do need one lol.

Mixed bag today. Started off really bad, on the phone to Samartians at 7am in the morning, as you do. Morning are often a trigger for me, honestly just lying in bed in the dark appears to be a trigger for me. But the person I talked to acually helped me gain some perspective and despite not really knowing why I got off the call feeling alot less suicidal than I started.

Kinda left me a blank ghost until the evening, my partner kept checking if I was alright and seemed dissatisfied with the answer that I just was kinda nothing. But nothing is a sweet relief right now. Nothing it turns out isn't so great at concentrating so I ended up back in bed alot, or lying on the floor lol, but my partner badgered me out of my hiding places until I started interacting with the day. He is honestly whats getting me through this mess right now. Made some tomato sauce and meat balls (veggie ones for me) which I find engaging, cooking is a good distraction for me, even if I am not hungry. I've been nausious it seems like forever but still gotta eat so *shrugs* is what it is, may as well try and make the food I am going to eat appealing xD.

This evening had pc games with friends scheduled, I was pleased I managed to attend and despite finding it utterly exhausting, my partner kept an eye on me and helped me out if I was getting overtly stressed. I have said thank you to him alot today. I managed to play for nearly 4 hours, which means right now I am utterly beyond exhausted. Lets hope that means I get some sleep... I would love some decent sleep. Being "happy" for hours is alot. Proud I managed it though.

So today has been pretty all over the place, but it ended on a not low note, which is good. Oh and I managed my shower, which means I don't need to have one tomorrow! Score! --- Having showers and baths as a trigger is a real pain.

So today I am going to start by introducing you to someone: Hello Lilly :) Lilly is very excited and wants to say Hi.

Lilly: Hello everyone :D this is very exciting :D am I famous now? I think I would like to be famous! Thank you all for looking after our host. I am tired, its been a long day! We did a cooking game! It was really fun! And I played alot with Stitch which was great, the [hosts] partner even played puppets with me and made Stitch reply to me. I was so excited. I also got lots and lots of hugs today, it was amazing. I love hugs. LOTS OF HUGS. I had so much fun :). I should be allowed out more :( I get ignored most of the time, I wanna play. Can we get my little ponys? The rainbow ones? [host: yes we can]. Anyway, [host] is telling me I they want to write now so I am going to go, I hope you will be my friends, byeee!!

Back to diary owner i.e. host. i.e the person who has written the other entries (I think?).
So thats Lilly, whos kinda protesting in the back of my head that I cut her off, but it could have gone on for rather a long while. Honestly, I've been wondering if I have DID but it seems more likely DDNOS, I mean I lose time, but nothing significant enough in my day to day life to bother me, I am just "ditsy" or "forgetful". Its more like different people come more to the surface and so they end up presenting more, but I don't like totally lose myself. Which means I get to cringe at talking like a baby, demanding cuddles and talking with Stitch while shes out lol. Anyway that was a surprise today.

Started my day off feeling pretty numb and wrote a will. Which was difficult, but felt like a relief once it was done. Another thing I don't need to worry about. I made sure to give someone I trust as the executer, someone I know will do it well. So happy with that.

Then I kinda lost a bunch of time doing god knows what, I think I ended up making cupcakes? Oh god I called my mum, I forgot that. Urgh that was not so fun. Basically telling my mum I was just a bit depressed because of the pandemic and being locked in.. I mean it wasn't a straight up lie so I could carry it. Not sure how to word: Sorry mum, just having a breakdown in the corner over here because of the abuse you and my father raised me in. Just danced the question. Hoping they will leave me alone for a bit now. Avoiding dad right now. Pretty sure if I even heard his voice I would be instantly triggered right now. Which ain't greatttt. Yo family relations.

The cupcakes were tasty, I like baking its relaxing and well I also like cake so the two marry up together right now. Don't even feel so guilty about eating cake, I'm barely managing one meal a day, what the hell does a cupcake matter. If I wanna eat it its probs just good I am getting the calories in.

Anyway finished baking and Lilly arrived on the scene, kinda slowly but it was suddenly like, oh god the baby talk has begun, I feel small and want hugs constantly. I'm talking to my teddy bear (yes I know all of this is fine, but its also allarming when it happens and your not quite in control of the situation). Lots of giggling, dancing and some kinda strange towel dance later my partner seems to have just accepted it, he knows I "get a bit strange" sometimes so doesn't really even blink these days. Gives me all the cuddles we want etc. Anyway was kinda allarmed when dishing up dinner I forgot how to grate cheese, it was like THE CHEESE IS BIG and anyway. I managed eventually. Then I ate with a good deal more of my fingers than usual. I feel kinda like a dissociated science experiment right now. I am just thankful my partner is so accepting and knows to give us what we need. (Is it odd I use I here? god knows, the body is what people see as me, so in therory I works? ahahah).

I don't mind it like this too much, with Lilly more at the front I can't remember any of the bad stuff, honestly I can barely even remember what all the flashbacks were about unless I focus on it too much. I'm happy this way for now. Hope they stay away for a bit. Pretty sure Lilly knows I need a break.

Anyway I need to sleep. And Lilly wants She'Ra cause of the rainbow unicorn horse (And I kinda agree), but I wanna watch Cells at work, because new season and I know she'll love it. I am likely going to have to compromise here.

FINAL NOTE: It felt really odd writing this down like this, I struggle alot with this stuff and feel stupid that I have people in my head I talk with. Sometimes they are more obvious and other times I forget about them all together. I think with how overwhelming everything has been they are all coming back into awareness which is.... loud. And confusing. I know its not "standard DID" or anything and as I said its likely DDNOS but its my life. So please don't judge.

I am nervous about work tomorrow. I was off all of last week and honestly I don't feel ready to face work right now. I am not crying all the time, but I am just nothing. Everything feels so fucking far away and I am dissociated 100% of the time. I'm still struggling alot with suicidal thoughts, and the utter numb effect isn't helping so much. It's stopping me want to reach out for people. Also my partner is keeping an eye on me which is frustrating. I just wanna be left alone to self destruct.

I am worried if I go back to work and act normal everyone is going to think I am find and coping. I am not fine and I am not coping. But I need money and I have to work. I hate that working to get the basics you need to survive is essentially penalised as "you are good enough". Also not sure how works going to go. I am "vauging off" alot. It took me over 4 hours to even start doing anything today and I spent a large part of the day in bed. I am just exhausted.

Really fighting the urge to drink tonight. I normally don't bother as drinkings never helped me any. But wow the urge to self destruct is strong. Part of me is considering just doing it anyway, but I don't want to disappoint my partner. Hes basically begged me not to and I am not heartless even while feeling totally numb. You don't need to feeling things to know when your being a dick.

Overshared at my partners mum today. I just feel awkward now. Its stupid stuff that just comes up in conversation when your talking with someone. We were talking about going to uni and school and then going to work after (neither of us went to uni) and I just ended up casually chatting about how at 16 I nearlly left home, but then stayed till I was 20 because then my sister was 18 and able to choose to leave, I wasn't going to leave her in that house by herself when she didn't have her own agency. And stuff like she didn't go to uni because she wanted to party not study, my partners mum that is. And I am like, I didn't go to uni because I had to get out of that house permenantly and never come back. To do that I had to work. None of this is strange to me, but you see peoples faces and well. Its strange to them. Makes me feel ashamed or like I am self obsessed when I talk about this stuff. Even just in a casual convo. I dunno. Feel icky.

My heads walled off alot of the stuff from last week. The memories are kinda slipping out of my grip again which is panicing me. Though I know its what I wanted. Now I want them back. I feel like I had a total break down over things that were not real. I hate the fact I basically gaslight myself. I want the chance to break down again. It feels healthier than the total shutdown I am experiancing now.

I went to work (Okay, my office just across the hall, but still!). I honestly felt like shit and really struggled in the morning. Did pretty much no work, and dissociated for alot of it. But I did called and I helped people out. I have a meeting for tomorrow or wed to talk about an action plan for me working with all this shit going on. I am just lucky my boss is genuinly concerned about me as a person.

Had a weird dream last night, I mean I have odd dreams every night. But I couldn't find it till mid day and suddenly it popped in my head. I don't remember much but I was searching for answers, and I asked my sister in my dream if she remembered anything (she has a much better memory than me) and she said, "Didn't you know? It was the babysitter.". Which has just fucked my head up even more. The dream keeps feeling like its floating away from me and I doubt I will remember it by tomorrow. My head is a weird place to be. Forever remembering and then forgetting information. I feel like my memory is like trying to collect up shards of glass. Shattered everywhere, if you find one you risk cutting yourself when you pick it up and they keep slipping out of your hands, ripping them up as they go.

Its odd. I have taken the DES II (dissociation test) 3 times over the last 3 weeks. 3 weeks ago I scored PTSD levels, 2 weeks ago I scored closer to DDNS and then just the other day a few points off DID. Its crazy how much I remember and forget about my dissociation, how bad it can be and Alice, Lilly, Liam, Sid etc. Lilly has quietened down shes just existing right now, curled up sleeping. Alice is well.... Alice. She lives in her own world, never moves, never speaks, constantly so dissociated she doesn't even know where she is. Shes like some kinda dissociated monster chained up in my mind. Shes ALWAYS there, even when I forget everyone else, but I do need a prod to remember her. Liam is angry and scared, hes the one who is most scared of the new memories, he said we made a promise not to tell anyone, hes suicidal, along with Alice. Sid, Sid is honestly very quiet, hes new and hes older. He gives me hugs, though granted Liam does as well. I don't think Lilly really gets hugs, which makes me sad. I used to have a protector, more of a mum figure but I don't know where shes gone *shrugs* she may turn up. Its hard to keep track of all this stuff tbh, esp when you periodically forget people. Always a relief when I get my memory back though and I remember all their names :D. Makes me feel less crazy and more like they are real (or atleast real to me). Scares me I lost alot of this for years.

Got therapy tomorrow. I am scared. I need to talk to the therapist. I think the way she treated me in the last session was the final straw that bought out all the new memories, and I don't think I can continue working with her unless that changes. When we talked she kept trying to find a "real traumatic memory" in my childhood, which is made up alot of fear, moments and blanks. I remember small stuff, but not much. More somatic and emotional. Also depending on what memories I have avaliable that day I can remember more or less, so sometimes I can barely remember anything. I need to work out how to bring this up with her. I'm also worried she won't treat me anymore because I've gone from passive to actively suicidal and its not even started. God this is all such a mess.

I'm scared going back to work means the mental health team I am being assessed by won't help me. Its so often a criteria for things. But I have to work or I would have no money. Ah I dunno. No point worrying about that right now.

I need to sleep.

@Lilibuth12

Hey there, I know it's tough with therapists but it's important to have boundaries. I think that most therapists who work with trauma survivors are doing their best but they really don't know what we need unless we tell them. Everyone is different and she may be going by what has worked for someone else. it is ok to need something different and to not want to push on certain memories or emotions. Something my therapist did when I couldn't get into memories was instead to ask em "How old are were you when you first felt this way" or "how old is this part of you" and that helped a lot because I didn't need to get into graphic detail I just accessed what I needed to know which were the feelings and sort of an idea of when it started.

Sorry to talk about myself on your journal, feel free to tell me not to reply again or what you'd prefer to see here, this is your space. Your recovery journey is yours and yours alone. If you don't advocate for what you need, who will? Both here and with your therapist. We're rooting for you!

@Hoxenos
I don't mind you commenting on my journal :) You always have good points to make and I often work by relating with personal experiance so I find it helpful.

I had a whole list of stuff planned out to tell her today, I had written it all out and everything. The session didn't even last 15minuites. My case is too severe and they are not able to support me at this time, they have discharged me and I am going to have to work with secondary care to get therapy. I think this is good as I was worried they were not able to support me already and I am glad they said it out right to clear up my confusion. Its also just a let down though because even if it was not really working for me it gave me something to work towards getting to. I've contacted the secondary services and they are seeing if they can make my appointment more urgent so thats good as well.

Honestly I am lucky I am getting all this support and really grateful, despite this not so great situation. Your comments help remind me there are other people out there too, its to easy with mental health to get stuck in your own head.

Anyway! Sorry for my essay ahah. :P

So the therapist discharged me. My case is too "severe" and "complex" for them to treat. I have an assessment in 10 days, just trying to hold on until then. They may move it forward. I hope they do. Todays been a bad day.

My will arrived, then I realised I had to get two witnesses and my mental state could be contested. Especially as I have been on medical records struggling with this stuff. Honestly this wouldn't be such an issue if I was okay with my parents being the executors of my will. But I am not. My partners mum is one of the few adults I trust to respect what I have written. This has thrown me quite a bit. I feel too guilty leaving everything as a mess, I need to make sure the people who need it get it, not just my parents deciding and ignoring it. Okay I'll end that likely dark train of thought there.

I feel like a mess. Memories and flashbacks are like ... teasing. I can feel them right there, but not quite. My asthma has been playing up and my throat feels. Full. I hate it. I am not ill its just everything. Hate how I couldn't see it. Wouldn't see it. The nightmares, the stomach problems, the anxiety, the fear, the constant tonsilitis. Everything today is just too much. Way too much. I just want to shut down completely. My body is shouting "Something bad happened, something really really bad happened" while my brain keeps responding with "Shut up, we're not ready. Leave us alone, we don't want to know".

Wasn't able to work today. My heads just too broken. Ended up calling the mental health team again because I was really struggling. They gave me an assessment today but the basic summary is again I just have to wait. People keep asking me what I want like I should know. I need some help. If it wasn't for covid I think I would have gone in and asked to be inpatient. My head is scaring me. Its so out of control.

They asked me why I hadn't done anything if I was suicidal. I said I didn't want to and was interupted before I could go any further. They are like UHAH! Another one. Its just like, you really don't get this stuation. Sure I'm struggling but no I don't want to. However something/one inside me is utterly determined I should. I am just so frustrated. All I can do is wait. Wait to see how long I can keep fighting. What happens when I can't fight it anymore. I can feel myself struggling so much, I don't want to lose myself to the cold take over. Where I feel I have to physically stop myself.

The assessment person said they want me to see a psychiatrist but the waiting lists here are very long. I am looking at weeks/a month minimum. And god knows what help they could give me. Likely just going to stick a bunch of labels on me and leave me at that. Yay. Then they mentioned the EMDR again, which is good. But as I am a "complex" case they need to discuss it with some kinda board or something and thats not until next week and it will likely be weeks/months until that starts as well.

Honestly. I don't know what I want. Its all just so much. Its all feelings. Honestly I've likely been in another emotional flashback since yesterday which is why everything feels so very unmanagable. I wish I could eat and enjoy food. I can't remember the last time I ate something because I wanted to, not just because my partner has made me.

The worst thing about all of this. I am significantly depressed, I am struggling mentally and its impacting my relationship. I am becoming my dad. I know thats not true. But its such a huge trigger for me. He was so abusive and his untreated depression caused us so much pain. I know unlike him I am looking for help, I am literally begging people for help. I am doing things and I am really trying. But I feel like such a failure right now. I never wanted to be anything like him. It makes me feel sick. Why do parents pass on their legacy, even when you try your hardest to fight it.

Everything feels too much. Its like existance is scraping at my skin. I have no idea how to cope with what is going on in my head. Its all just too much.

Yo. I've had a sandwich day. The beginning and end have been kinda s*** however the middle was acualy okay. I managed to not call any crisis lines today. Which I am proud of. I'm waiting till 12am so I can ;) lol. Maybe not quite but feels close right now. No work again today. Hoping to get to work tomorrow, though honestly I have no idea if I am going to be able to. Its scaring me. I have no idea when I am going to be able to work full time again. My brain is just breaking repeatedly.

I talked with my partner yesterday. Told him some stuff I haven't told anyone. I told him some other stuff I hadn't told anyone but the online world. He was so... patient. And sympathetic. And just amazing. He didn't judge me at all, didn't think I was crazy. Thought DID or DDNOS made total sense. It was really validating to talk to someone who knows me really well who just... accepted it and didn't disagree or fight with me. I told him stuff in my head wants me gone (though its quieter today) and it scared him but hes doing well. I told him that if he needs a break he can go to his parents for a bit, though he half joked he didn't wanna leave me on my own, so he would drag me to his parents and leave me in the corner or something :'). He knows I've given him permission to talk to a friend he trusts about this as I know dealing with these situations is so hard and you don't want to betray his trust. We've also discussed breaking up if thats what needs to happen. We both don't want to, but have also both been badly damanged by people with severe mental health issues before and I think its good to be aware of how bad it can get.

I'm still struggling, and I am going to be struggling for a while. This isn't just magically going away. I've just gotta work out how to survive the experiance. Gotta hope I get there somehow.

@Lilibuth12 Hey - I hope you don't mind - I ran across your journal here earlier and I wanted to say something but sometimes I just can't bring myself to talk to anyone. You have some much written that I relate to. So much is so similar to my own twisted tale. That inner turmoil - Just trying to make sense of all the thoughts and emotions - the influence from the others. The things that pop up that you have no memory of yourself - allmost as if you're living in someone elses dream - or nightmare really. The time loss - and memory issues - it's so hard sometimes - just the whole thing is hard. But - BUT - it can get better - it can get to where it's manageable. At least that's what my therapist tells me anyway - and well - I guess in alot of ways it has gotten better in some ways. Communication is really important but it can be hard to get it going at times and of course building some trust but there again - that can be hard too. Especially when alot of parts don't have much or any trust to begin with. It takes time - it all takes time - which - you get tired of the time it takes and just want to get on with your life

Idk - I know this probably isn't much in the way of help for you - I do understand. I understand the fear and frustration - the feeling of being alone and how hard it can be for other people to understand the war that can be waging inside our heads. I just wanted to give you alittle hope - it can get to where you can manage and still have a life

I hope you get in soon to see a psychiatrist and they can come up with something that can help you and the others. There's some pretty cool people here that understand alittle better then most and even some listeners that are accepting - allthough I haven't tried any of those myself

Sorry this got long

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

@mytwistedsoul Thanks, your message ment more than you know, I am glad you did say something :) (though no judging for taking a while, I often read things and simply don't have the spoons to say anything!).

I think your right. It does get better. And it can get managable. I am struggling with the fact I've thought its gotten better multiple times before after being through rediculous lows and each time it turns out something worse has happened. Something I am less equiped to deal with. And thats not my fault, or my partners fault, or anyone I can really blame most of the time. But its so hard to keep going when the highs feel so... fake. But when I am there they feel so good, so I've just gotta keep swimming ;). Life isn't all sunshine and roses, but that doesn't mean it isn't worth living.

Thanks for saying I am not alone with this. I logically know I am not, but its very reassuring to say someone else say they resonate with what I have written. It's easy to convince yourself you live in a bubble or in some freak set of circumstance. Especially when mental health professionals repeatedly sound unsure or scared about working with you. I am sorry though that you understand. Its very painful and not an experiance I would wish on anyone. Just well if you are already here, thank god I am not alone :).

I am really glad you have a therapist working with you who is helping! Honestly I am hoping I get one soonish. I think having someone to remind me that I can do this would be great. And just someone to talk to is nice. Though 7 cups has been helping.

I don't mind long, I am an essay writer myself, so don't worry. Please look after yourself, it sounds like you are doing better but some self care can never go wrong ;) :) <3

@Lilibuth12 You're welcome :) It took awhile to find a therapist that was open minded and willing enough. There was a few of them that were no good. One that thought it was pointless to continue because of the self harm - another one who had no idea what he was getting into and well - he was scared too. Another one thought it was a good learning experience for him - lol

I sometimes think the good times feel that way because - well - they never last it seems. And things can go downhill so fast sometimes. One minute things feel fine and the next - you're on your knees wishing to god you'd get hit by a truck

I'm glad Cups is helping - it's a pretty cool place - I have found it hard to find people who understand sometimes or Idk - maybe it's just me and the trust issues. I've been slowly letting myself get quiet. Anyway - sorry - I got my own thread for my stuff :)

Thank you - you're right - self care would probably be a good thing to practice right now

If you ever need to talk to anyone or just someone to vent - feel free to tag me - no pressure of course

Take care :)

The desire to self destruct is overwhelming. Called one crisis line and texted another. its not getting through to my brain. I should not have drunk anything tonight. But I just want to... sink. Started biting myself. Want to just do everything. Self harm, drink, misuse drugs, break up with my partner, break everything around me. I've been exercising iron will for so long and part of me just can feel the strings snapping. Its so odd being able to watch. Self harm hasn't even bought me back to myself ahahhaha. I am freaking doomed.

I had a good day today and well that appears to be the trigger. I shouldn't be allowed good days. What am I doing, managing work? Who the hell do you think you are? Someone functional? No. Your not. Your a mess of a human being who isn't allowed to get better. You have to keep getting worse like you know you are. Your never going to be anything. Your garbage. You thought you mattered? Ahahah. Thats funny. Your worthless and you don't deserve success. I'm going to remind you thats what you are. Your disgusting and naieve. Remember that.

Going to leave that there so you know how my head is right now dear journal. That is my brain right now. Pretty ain't it. I just want to rip myself appart.

I did some work today. I was helpful. My whole day has been actively blocking out the memories. Trying to get on with life. But apparently with the memories blocked the self hatred steps in. Gotta remind yourself who you really are after all. Your not real. You died already. Why are you even trying. But the memories were not totally blocked were they. No they were not. No we stil can't wear even the lovely neckless our partner bought us. Because all we can feel is something stuck down our throat. And its happened so many times we can't even work out what flashback its from. It just lives there. Hands around our throat, **** down our throat. "I thought you liked it", "She said she liked it", "You know you wanted it", "Your my good little girl arn't you". I feel sick. My mind is full of vitriol tonight.

Sorry this is a confused mess of parts and host and thoughts and flashbacks. None of this likely makes sense and it doesn't make sense to me either. This post isn't pretty, but my brain ain't either.

10mins and I've survived another day. Slept though alot of this one. Just want to cease to exist.

Attempted suicide yesterday. Abet badly (hense my continued existance). I think I thought I would scare myself out of the idea, but its not working. Called the crisis line after it failed and sat in the dark in a park drinking beer for an hour in the freezing cold. I just told the crisis line people I was in a field on my own and suicidal, they were like "if you don't go home now we will call the police". So I went home. They called me again and thats it. I fell asleep.

I barely remember most of it now, the voice in my head won for a bit. It was so happy. After I failed it told me not to worry. We would try again. Its growning stronger and at this point I am not sure if I am letting it.

I shouldn't even be posting this stuff here. I haven't told my partner. I didn't tell the crisis line what I did. The only people who know are Samaritans and they don't even know who I am. They were nice to talk to though. I mean they didn't get through to my but they are just good people on those lines.

I've slept all day to try and quiet the voice in my head. Its not really working but I am trying. I may be leaving scared and going into acceptance. Part of me is screaming this is an emergency and another part of me just doesn't care. I can never convince myself its "bad enough". I mean I'm still alive arn't I?

Omg though, small bit of feeling here. Talking to the crisis line lady and shes like "what about your partner" and I said "hes upstairs playing video games, he likely hasn't even noticed I'm gone" and she responded "Is that why you were out, because you feel like hes ignoring you". Not to say small things can't tip people over or anything, but thats just so belittling. I have ***ing people in my head, flashbacks, dissociation and horrific new memories that turned up a few weeks ago. I am sorry but I am 26. Goddamnit. I feel like a child sometimes on these lines. I am trying to explain here this is not something small yet noone gets it. Yet I keep trying because some small childish part of me just wants a voice down the end of a line to say they don't want my existance to end.

Welp I am still typing here and thats a win.

Numb today. Managed to "work" though after 2 hours of video calls I just shut down and slept. Everything feels like a huge amount of effort at the moment. My partner thinks its a great success that I worked today, and maybe I should see it as such but really all thats changed is I am not crying constantly anymore. Maybe that the SSRI's. Its like I feel like nothing. But everything that was in my head is still there. Its not like anythings really changed. The reasons for everything still exist. I don't think people understand that some people are suicidal for reasons other that emotional distress. Plus just because I can't exactly feel them doesn't mean they have gone away. Instead it lives in my throat, in my chest, in my stomach, in my neck, in my shoulders, in my legs. In other parts. Its just something else I have lost the ability to express.

I am struggling to find any desire to save myself. My natural instinct has always been fight. Yes I also regularly do flight, freeze and fawn. But my oldest instinct is to fight. Even if its in oddly backwards ways. Its to find a way out even if theres nothing else left. But you know what. I've fought for so long. I've fought for this life, I have fought for my job, for my house, for my partner, for my pets. But no amount of fighting seems to save my mental health. I am just done. I've fought my entire life. I am bored of being strong. Exhausted of being the one making everything alright.

My father called yesterday, I ignored it. I am terrified of what I am going to do. I need to talk to him on the phone without flashbacks or hes going to get offended and make my mum suffer. He also has a tendancy to just "turn up" because hes worried. Or he says hes worried. Really he wants to make himself feel good. If you told him no he would get offended and make it about himself again. So yeh. I've got to somehow stomach a call with my father after the flashbacks I've had. Honestly its part of the temptation of putting myself into a mental ward. I could ban him from seeing me and dear god would that be good. Someone else can protect me for once. They can fight him.

I wish someone could protect me. I just want to feel protected. But noones ever protected me so why should I hope for that now. Its a pipedream. Your an adult luv. Not that that makes any difference. You've always been on your own. Not like thats going to change now.

Today has likely been the best day I've had in a while. I am still dissociated and pretty numb but its not been impacting me as much. Finding work really hard and I am struggling with it but atleast I have done it, despite awful nightmares last night and not much sleep. So thats a pretty huge win. Also managed to watch TV and like... watch it. Which is really exciting because its been quite a long time.

Still struggling alot with the suicidal thoughts which is confusing me. Its like... my head is stuck. And I self harmed yesterday again. Still can't wear the neckless I've always worn from my partner which makes me sad, but anything around my throat makes me so panicky still. Been very anxious, but I am more familiar with that. Its not quite the same as the sleep all day feeling. Maybe I will get some decient sleep tonight? Seems hopeful.

Participated in the trauma and anger workshop today. It was surprisingly triggering (though I mean looking back on it I am not surprised). Pleased I did it though, feel it gave me some stuff to think about and it was really interesting to read everyone elses responses.

I ate more today. I don't like that made me panicky. I know its bad old habits but now I've been eating so little eating even close to normal amounts feels too much and my brains freaking out. Eating disorders are always there waiting for you when your struggling with life, ready to trap you again. It's very tempting.

Honestly, I am bored of talking and thinking about myself. Its so boring.

One interesting thing, I think I am going to try and report my ex boss for multiple accounts of sexual assault and rape as well as physical assault and emotional abuse. He tortured me for a year, and though I am not brave enough to make a formal one, and don't have enough evidence I want to atleast make a note, so that maybe someone at some stage can build a case. I am looking at setting up a chat with an ISVA, but I may just take it straight to the police. I am undecided. I feel impulsive and angry right now.

Oh also realised I cannot tell my best friend about this recent stuff because she can't keep her mouth shut... No offense to her, but she is not someone you tell secrets lol. Atleast not secrets this serious. So that kinda sucks.

Woke up feeling really bad, took the morning off, had a meeting with my boss and then called in sick for the rest of the day. Was a bit disappointing I couldn't work today but I did some other productive stuff so I am feeling a bit better this evening.

Was a bit thrown, my boss is leaving the company in 6 months. I don't really know what to do with this information. He is one of the main reasons I have stayed at the company so long. He's a really good guy that wants to run a people first company. Hes great with mental health, really understanding and will work with you as long as you work with him. Thankfully the person I think will be taking on the personal side of his responsiblities is a coworker I also trust to be people first and very respectful so I am relieved at that. But it also means I am likely going to be taking on more responsiblity which with my mental state right now is rather daunting. Pleased I am thinking about the future at all though. Thats an improvement.

In other news I reported my old boss to the police today :O. It was 8 years ago when I was 19 that I left the company after he repeatedly sexually assaulted, raped and physically and emotionally abused me. I know I have no evidence and it won't make a case really. But just incase anyone else reported I've always felt I should and now I have. I am okay with this going nowhere if they can't take it anywhere. But after feeling so helpless with the other stuff going on this feels like I am atleast doing something proactive. I've done police statements etc. for these kinds of cases before so I know not to expect much lol.

Ended today feeling a little more in control of my life. So thats a relief. Its something :)

Bad nightmare last night. Woke up to someone screaming as they died with their child lying next to them. There was tonnes more to it, and just the other day I had one where I was in a car rolling down a hill getting shot at. My brains disturbing. Wish it would hold off a bit. Lots of dreams where I am not wearing clothes which is making me very uncomfortable.

However. There was a positive side (well for me(host??) anyway) to the nightmare. It managed to get me to call the crisis team I had the number for and tell them what the hell was going on. Its like a spell was lifted and I could finally make myself do it. Maybe the adrenaline did it? I don't freaking know. But I told this acually rather nice guy down the phone what was going on, and he referred me for an emergency assessment with my community mental health team. They made me come in after the assessment because they were worried, and I am seeing the home crisis team tomorrow to get assessed and see whats happening.

We either come up with a home treatment plan, they decided I don't need anything, or they politely request me to go to hospital (and if I fight get sectioned...). Honestly don't know what I am hoping for right now. I think I am expecting home treatment plan. Hoping I don't self sabotage and they decide I am not a risk, which with my current mental fight is possible. However the part of me that is kinda terrified how little control I have other this situation and how angry the it/he. He's furious with me. Like scary furious. He wants to show me what you get for ignoring him. Tonight is a struggle, but I don't feel able to call anyone. I just need to keep myself safe. I can do that I think/hope. Early morning tomorrow is the problem though. Hes obsessed with Saturday and I don't know why. I think I remembered some of why earlier, but then lost it. My brain and memory is a mess.

I am a little annoyed however I am getting treated as though I have a BPD split like "fight the thoughts", "everyone has them you know", "you have some much to live for". Its like I've tried telling you. It is a freaking person/thing in my head and it doesn't care. It really doesn't. And fighting it is currenty not going so well. I have 3 suicidal alters/parts though not aggressive ones, so they are not helping. None of them are even scared of losing stuff. It feels like only I care which is so frustrating. Add in one homicidal part and its going well.... yes well. Liam is also angry that I've told anyone stuff. Everything is just escilating. I don't know how to communicate to the freaking team. I need to stop them just assuming goddamn BPD all the time (no issue with anyone who has it, I mean I could have it and thats fine, but its not my only problem!).

The on site appointment today for the crisis stuff was so demeaning. I was lectured by a duty nurse for 10 mins while she tried to make eye contact (I told her I have autism!!) about how my life is so good, and I am "so lucky", "other people have had worse stuff happen to them" and "other people are in wose situations". I have a loving partner and a job and I should basically appreciate that. I needed to "fight the bad thoughts", "do you know how many thoughts people have in a day?". "everyone has these thoughts". "You are impusive". Oh for goodness sake. I am desperately asking for help, and only listening to this because I need the help. Why are you giving me this tyraid of rubbish. Despite years and years of mental health issues I have not used our national health system since I was a teen for mental health issues. I've paid for private therapists, dealt with it myself, I've never been into hospital for it or anything. Never. I am desperately begging you for help now because I know its different. Because I am self aware. Because I am scared. Please stop telling me that I basically shouldn't feel this way. And worst, I don't feel this way. A person in my head is taking over my body at least partially and making controlling my actions exceptionally hard. I am very angry right now. Then finaly to top of the cake she said she was praying she would see me on Monday. Keep your religion out of this, I was abused repeatedly with religion used as a weapon, its so triggering.

Waiting on an update from the police still. Worried they will try and contact me tomorrow, we shall see.

Leaving this now. Hoping I don't wake up early tomorrow. If I sleep hopefully I will stay safe.

I am alive, not hospitalised. Crisis team have been great. Not been a good day.

@Lilibuth12

i hope it's ok to say, i think you're really brave 💟 safe hugs for u if that's alright

@clare7199 Thank you, I don't mind you posting at all. Means alot that you think I am brave, even if I am not so sure I believe it ahha. :)

@Lilibuth12hi can we chat

@Lifeshard36 Hey, I am sorry but we can't talk, appologies I see you are a new here, but members cannot chat to each other here and I don't have a listener account because frankly I am not in a place where I can offer emotional support to anyone right now. It would be a disservice to the other person if I tried.

I hope you are okay, and if you need support the sharing circle group chat on here I find is a lifesafer, as are crisis phone numbers in your area and you can always talk to a listener as well, but beware alot are not prepared for more serious topics. Please look after yourself. <3

~~~ I am aware here I have made an assumption here why you want to talk to me, if I am wrong please do correct me :) ~~~

@Lilibuth12thats cool

Nearlly attempted again today. Well kinda did attempt. I knew it wasn't going to fail this time and my head is obessed with the number 3 so I stopped early. I hurt but its honestly a good kinda pain now. Maybe something's very wrong with my head but I crave it. Its funny like: I am very sucidal, but I also like the number 3 xD ahahha.

Contacted the crisis team again. Honestly I was told by the community mental health team alot of people don't like them. And sure I totally freaked out and swore at them yesterday at the assessment.... (awkward) I appologied later I promise. Though not gunner lie I was totally overwhelmed. But I like how practical they are. They acually listen to me and don't try and sell me on platitudes. They know I don't care for bullshit I just need their help to stay alive right now. I appreciate that. A bit awkward that I literally know which nurse will be on call at night each day though. Lol. After all this mess and I called them and they convinced me to go home. Then take the damn sedatives again, which I freaking hate. I hate these things. I want to suffer, I don't want to sleep. On the upside they are prioritising me seeing a psychiatrist who they think may be able to give me some meds to help me, which is good. I think. Not sure how meds are going to help my path of self destruction though. I like the pattern, theres something attractive in it. Jesus christ I am a mess right now.

Oh and I know one of my major triggers, though I was struggling with thoughts before that. My parents turned up. At my GODDAMN FUCKING DOOR. I called my sister yesterday and asked her to please tell them to stop contacting me for a bit because I was struggling and I needed a break. So my sister talked to them this morning along with one of my best friends who knows whats going on to some extent and tried to convince them not to see me. So they traveled to my house bringing me plants. I just don't know what to do. I love my parents. I can't match what I now know to them. I just can't face it. I know they have abused me repeatedly but at the same time they are some of the only people I talk to. Without them who will I even speak to outside of my partner and my best friend. It'll make stuff awkward for my sister. I am going to make peoples lives hard. And I am going to make them sad. I don't want to make them sad. Why can I not forget all of this. I don't want to take out my issues on the plants, but I can't face them right now. I don't want them in my garden. I don't want to see them. I don't want these memories to infect my safe places. But plants are living things and I refuse to abuse them. I just hate everything right now.

I am so tired. I am so so so tired. Of everything. I just want to give up right now. Everyone wants to tell me it will get better. And maybe it could. But it would change. And I am so overwhelmed right now any change seems like too much.

Still waiting for the police to contact me but kinda glad they haven't right now.

And then it went wrong lol. Writing from hospital after my head went sideways. Apparently me seeming good is not an indicator of anything.

Been one of those days where the anxiety is up to 200%. Doesn't help my new part thats obessed with saturdays and the number 3 seems to have OCD. Who knows whats going on I may just be rolling with it now.

Spent most of the day taking sedatives and sleeping. Was quite amused when one of the crisis team members said I needed to eat more because I was jittering so much ahhaha. Looked it up and a significant amount of energy burnt if you just shake all day lol.

Less suicidal today, more thoughts of self harm. Yesterday seems to have quieted things a little atleast. Funny that a day full of anxiety and sedatives is a "good" day for me at the moment. Ah well such as life.