Some edgy journal name **trigger warning: child abuse, sexual assault, self harm, suicide**

Been a long old while since I've been on 7 cups. I likely had an old journaling thread but no way was I going searching 3 years back to find it.

So to present day: I am in a strange situation right now. I am spiraling rather badly. I'm honestly still considering taking myself up to A&E (ER) and telling them I need help. I know I likely do need help now. In a odd moment of rather dissociated clarity I realise lots of things have gone too far. Its like I am so so so aware that things are very VERY wrong. I am not thinking clearly, but at the same time I feel like I can see myself falling off the edge of a cliff. Currently I feel like dissociation is much better than the flashbacks that preceed it, they are not rational and I am begining to get more and more scared for my life while in them. Though not quite enough to also get over my existental fear of COVID. I have bad asthma and honestly have some pretty bad luck when it comes to breathing issues, so I cannot afford to risk this mess. However I imagine it will get to the point where the risk will be worth it as my chances are lower if I don't go.

I am contacting crisis lines. I am talking to people. I've cut out my friends and my family but I can't cope with explaining all this mess to them. I would rather stay cut off. My partner is wonderful and is making it his mission to drag me out of my head atleast once a day. Today I made cupcakes. I also wrote a suicide plan, but I made cupcakes. I feel dizzy with how quickly I am flashing between unbearable emotional pain and just nothing. I am now in the denial phase, soon I will re-realise break down and cycle again.

I've got some new memories, or atleast that moment when memories that have been acting like repelling magnets suddenly fall together. That sinking feeling in my stomach, the constant lump in my throat. The nightmares and anxiety. The dissociation from a very young age. My memory being totally unstructured and patchy at best for most of my life. The fact that I am just not getting better. Infact I am getting worse. Its funny because this isn't the first time, but last time I managed to convince myself it was lies. Now I am struggling to. Things are falling together that didn't before and stuff I can barely comprehend feels like its strangling me. The little girl who lives in my head and doesn't speak or move. Who's trapped.

Its been a long string of triggers to get here. First years and years of talking therapy, but it was skimming off the top, never solving the problem. Always if I left for too long the bucket overflowed again. Then the art therapy, the one where I was acually trying to get in contact with emotions after many many years of not wanting to. And I succeeded to an extent. I found I did have some emotions. But feeling them was still so very far out of my reach. Then I took a break. I decided to make a scrap book for my grandma out of old photos of us. And just those cold dead eyes. I cannot get them out of my head. I slowly declined over the months of putting that book together, it felt like I had started opening pandoras box and I just couldn't close it. My mum told me stories of neglect as a child, how they left me for hours, how they screamed all the time. I put together some stories of my own like why I am terrified of baths. And all these bits were scratching in my brain. I started remembering a friend at school threatening her dad had a gun that if I didn't do what she wanted he would shoot me. I remember being told the about a boy at school who was inappropriate when I was 6 and how I was quizzed for hours about if my father abused me. I remember feeling proud of being daddies girl. I remember other stuff I am not entering into now. Theres bits that don't fit. Puzzle peices I don't get. but honestly I am terrified of the results of this puzzle. So many other therapists have asked me, said I showed all the signs. But I laughed them off, no, that would never happen. I would remember.

But I didn't remember. And right now I am going to pretend nothing happened. Because accepting this changes my reality in an unacceptable way. In a way I don't know how to face.

@Lilibuth12- do you mind if other members reply to your post? Just wanted to know I noticed your thread. Believe it or not- you are not alone on 7 cups. If you need to chat with someone- give one of the listeners a chance. Take care.

Just going to keep posting in here because I need a place to put my thoughts.

Has it ever suddenly occured to you just how little you remember about your life. And with how little emotion you view your life? Its like ever since I realised EMDR was about getting in touch with how I feel the flood gates have opened. And not in a way I expected. I expected tonnes of fear of violence. Which there is. But its the other incidious stuff that makes my stomach sink. Digust, shame, not wanting to look in the mirror, feeling helpless, broken, damaged beyond repair, trapped and helpless. Sick and anxious and exhausted. Never enough. A deep deep understanding of dissociating. How if you looked over there you didn't have to participate in here. How you could just switch off. How Alice was made. My "inner child" is broken beyond repair and I am utterly horrified by how much I hate her. And I mean hate. I don't get it. Nothing makes fucking sense. None of this is in my story of my life. But the story of my life has never had emotion before. I don't get it. I'm either having a psychotic break or this is real. And right now I want a psychotic break more. I am so so unprepared for whats happening here.

I have never felt like a fully formed person. But I've never been able to explain why I feel so devistatingly broken. This is not the answer I wanted.

Hi Lilibuth,

I don't know if you remember me, but I remember you. I never know what I'm supposed to say in this situation. It's nice to see you, not nice circumstances? I'm so sorry to hear that you're dealing with so much pain and dissociation. It is so frustrating when we don't feel in control of our minds, the one thing we are supposed to be in control of.

At the end of the day, you know what's best for you, and if you need the hospital to keep you safe then you should listen to that part of you. Sometimes the only goal is to stay alive, and if you feel you need their help for that, it's ok to seek it out. I know it's scary with COVID and everything, but we do what we need to do to survive, one step at a time.

EMDR is so intense. I really connected with what you said about it feeling like floodgates opening. EMDR isn't just a pandora's box, it's so much more than that. Those feelings you talked about like shame and guilt, when I did EMDR I realized that almost every negative feeling I had CAME from that shame. It sounds like you're currently wrestling with your deepest cause. The thing that continues your trauma - shame. It is overpowering and debilitating, but it doesn't have to last forever. It sounds like you've done a lot of work so far on yourself and your trauma. I know how exhausting this work can be, but you are so so strong for what you've done up to this point. Your future self will look back at this time with so much love for you and the strength you had to get through this. I'm not going to say you owe it to your future self because that feels manipulative, but I will say that I truly think that you are capable of getting through this and your reaching out for support on 7cups is proof that you're continuing to find ways to fight every day. That is so amazing and shows such intense resilience. Do you know what was a the bottom of pandora's box? It was Hope. She was in there with all that desolation. Because in our darkest times there is always hope. (I am trying desperately to find a less corny way to say that and I am completely unsuccessful, please forgive me.)

Wow. I just wrote a really long post full of positive things today in an attempt to write a positive journal entry and it got blocked because I mentioned stuff that meant 7cups thought I was in a crisis (to be fair it was right lol). So this is round two a much shorter version ahahha.

- I cried ALOT and I mean alot. I ended up on a call to 2 crisis lines and told them how I felt, then broke down at my partner and honestly feeling alot better for it. Still very dissociated, but thats a huge improvement right now.
- I played some video games and concentrated for more than 5-10mins, which is honestly a relief its been so long since I've been able to.
- I have a date for a proper mental health assessment, not sure what to expect but atleast its something!
- I went for a walk.
- I thanked my partner for how awesome hes been through all this and reminded him that I knew it was very stressful and I didn't need him to be perfect, just thanked him for being there. I think he needed that so pleased I did.
- I pushed back my suicide plans, decided each day I go to bed feeling like I can, I will push them back a day. Maybe thats a small win, but its a win for me. Hopefully I won't need that some day, but right now I am just thankful I have the choice.
- My dissociation means I can barely feel the migraine I know I have, which is amusing me. And the pain is also simultaniously pulling me out of my spiral, which is a huge relief. Never thought there would be a day I would happily have a migraine ahha.

And finally, despite the universe (7cups) conspiring against me, I managed this post. And its positive. And a journal entry. And I am damn proud of myself.

I want to keep being positive. But today just hadn't been a positive day for me. I will add in little subsection of positive things further down, its a good habit I think.

Today had just been depressed. That overwhelming fog of nothingness that comes with dissociation and brain fog. I just can't feel much of anything right now, just... depression. Which is putting me in a conundrum. If I leave this safe place I have to face things I know I am not mentally prepared to deal with. Stuff that makes me incredibly unstable. So I stay in this protective head fog I guess. Yeh intrusive thoughts keep kicking their way in, but I am actively kicking them back out again. Telling them they are lies. That its not true. That I am a disgusting person for even thinking them. How can I think that of people. How messed up do you have to be to even imagine this. I know its not healthy but the alternative right now isn't pretty either.

So I read half of Complex PTSD from surviving to thriving, that old classic, finally. Honestly prefered The body keeps score, for all the horrifically triggering material it contained. But then I am a more "logical" than "emotional" person when it comes to understanding the world. I don't need to be validated by someone else emotionally, I just need some proof that what I am experiancing is normal considering what happened. And well that book did it well. If you want compassion though, go for the other one, The body keeps score is clinical. Find it interesting though with all of these books. I can read the start, the explaination and the "the trauma" section. But I just absolutely cannot bring myself to read the "treatment" or "help yourself" sections. I just can't read any further. I've tried but I just can't. I don't want someone telling me I am fixable, I don't want to be easily fixed. I want the treatment to be as painful as the experiance. I want to relieve the horror again and again. I want this life to be as horrible as my head is. I want to suffer. And I still don't know why.

Talked to a friend today on the phone. Realised how one sided our relationship is. Shes been struggling mentally recently and I've heard all about it. All her struggles, self harm, plans. And I am in this situation and I can't get a word out. I just can't say anything except to strangers. I can barely stand telling my partner. I barely trust him. The trust he has is hard won. But I don't trust anyone else. Not my sister, my friends. Definatly not my family. I am an island, and I will go down that way it seems.

So in the name of trying to be positive I am adding in this section:
- I called the doctor today. Despite my fear of them. He sounded concerned, which was kinda nice. I need someone to be concerned, I am struggling to be. He gave me anti depressants, but only 7 which made me laugh, hes holding the drugs hostage so I go to the next appointment. Its kinda cute.
- I got out of bed before I spiraled this morning, kinda proud of that.
- My cats were cute today, very cuddly. One keeps trying to steal cupcakes, which is adorable.
- I ate breakfast, lunch and dinner (and a cupcake) it wasn't much, but it was something.
- My partner loves me very much.
- I wrote the stupid positive section despite the fact it took me half an hour.

New section in order, goals for tomorrow:
- Have a shower. We start small, but I do need one lol.

Mixed bag today. Started off really bad, on the phone to Samartians at 7am in the morning, as you do. Morning are often a trigger for me, honestly just lying in bed in the dark appears to be a trigger for me. But the person I talked to acually helped me gain some perspective and despite not really knowing why I got off the call feeling alot less suicidal than I started.

Kinda left me a blank ghost until the evening, my partner kept checking if I was alright and seemed dissatisfied with the answer that I just was kinda nothing. But nothing is a sweet relief right now. Nothing it turns out isn't so great at concentrating so I ended up back in bed alot, or lying on the floor lol, but my partner badgered me out of my hiding places until I started interacting with the day. He is honestly whats getting me through this mess right now. Made some tomato sauce and meat balls (veggie ones for me) which I find engaging, cooking is a good distraction for me, even if I am not hungry. I've been nausious it seems like forever but still gotta eat so *shrugs* is what it is, may as well try and make the food I am going to eat appealing xD.

This evening had pc games with friends scheduled, I was pleased I managed to attend and despite finding it utterly exhausting, my partner kept an eye on me and helped me out if I was getting overtly stressed. I have said thank you to him alot today. I managed to play for nearly 4 hours, which means right now I am utterly beyond exhausted. Lets hope that means I get some sleep... I would love some decent sleep. Being "happy" for hours is alot. Proud I managed it though.

So today has been pretty all over the place, but it ended on a not low note, which is good. Oh and I managed my shower, which means I don't need to have one tomorrow! Score! --- Having showers and baths as a trigger is a real pain.

So today I am going to start by introducing you to someone: Hello Lilly :) Lilly is very excited and wants to say Hi.

Lilly: Hello everyone :D this is very exciting :D am I famous now? I think I would like to be famous! Thank you all for looking after our host. I am tired, its been a long day! We did a cooking game! It was really fun! And I played alot with Stitch which was great, the [hosts] partner even played puppets with me and made Stitch reply to me. I was so excited. I also got lots and lots of hugs today, it was amazing. I love hugs. LOTS OF HUGS. I had so much fun :). I should be allowed out more :( I get ignored most of the time, I wanna play. Can we get my little ponys? The rainbow ones? [host: yes we can]. Anyway, [host] is telling me I they want to write now so I am going to go, I hope you will be my friends, byeee!!

Back to diary owner i.e. host. i.e the person who has written the other entries (I think?).
So thats Lilly, whos kinda protesting in the back of my head that I cut her off, but it could have gone on for rather a long while. Honestly, I've been wondering if I have DID but it seems more likely DDNOS, I mean I lose time, but nothing significant enough in my day to day life to bother me, I am just "ditsy" or "forgetful". Its more like different people come more to the surface and so they end up presenting more, but I don't like totally lose myself. Which means I get to cringe at talking like a baby, demanding cuddles and talking with Stitch while shes out lol. Anyway that was a surprise today.

Started my day off feeling pretty numb and wrote a will. Which was difficult, but felt like a relief once it was done. Another thing I don't need to worry about. I made sure to give someone I trust as the executer, someone I know will do it well. So happy with that.

Then I kinda lost a bunch of time doing god knows what, I think I ended up making cupcakes? Oh god I called my mum, I forgot that. Urgh that was not so fun. Basically telling my mum I was just a bit depressed because of the pandemic and being locked in.. I mean it wasn't a straight up lie so I could carry it. Not sure how to word: Sorry mum, just having a breakdown in the corner over here because of the abuse you and my father raised me in. Just danced the question. Hoping they will leave me alone for a bit now. Avoiding dad right now. Pretty sure if I even heard his voice I would be instantly triggered right now. Which ain't greatttt. Yo family relations.

The cupcakes were tasty, I like baking its relaxing and well I also like cake so the two marry up together right now. Don't even feel so guilty about eating cake, I'm barely managing one meal a day, what the hell does a cupcake matter. If I wanna eat it its probs just good I am getting the calories in.

Anyway finished baking and Lilly arrived on the scene, kinda slowly but it was suddenly like, oh god the baby talk has begun, I feel small and want hugs constantly. I'm talking to my teddy bear (yes I know all of this is fine, but its also allarming when it happens and your not quite in control of the situation). Lots of giggling, dancing and some kinda strange towel dance later my partner seems to have just accepted it, he knows I "get a bit strange" sometimes so doesn't really even blink these days. Gives me all the cuddles we want etc. Anyway was kinda allarmed when dishing up dinner I forgot how to grate cheese, it was like THE CHEESE IS BIG and anyway. I managed eventually. Then I ate with a good deal more of my fingers than usual. I feel kinda like a dissociated science experiment right now. I am just thankful my partner is so accepting and knows to give us what we need. (Is it odd I use I here? god knows, the body is what people see as me, so in therory I works? ahahah).

I don't mind it like this too much, with Lilly more at the front I can't remember any of the bad stuff, honestly I can barely even remember what all the flashbacks were about unless I focus on it too much. I'm happy this way for now. Hope they stay away for a bit. Pretty sure Lilly knows I need a break.

Anyway I need to sleep. And Lilly wants She'Ra cause of the rainbow unicorn horse (And I kinda agree), but I wanna watch Cells at work, because new season and I know she'll love it. I am likely going to have to compromise here.

FINAL NOTE: It felt really odd writing this down like this, I struggle alot with this stuff and feel stupid that I have people in my head I talk with. Sometimes they are more obvious and other times I forget about them all together. I think with how overwhelming everything has been they are all coming back into awareness which is.... loud. And confusing. I know its not "standard DID" or anything and as I said its likely DDNOS but its my life. So please don't judge.

I am nervous about work tomorrow. I was off all of last week and honestly I don't feel ready to face work right now. I am not crying all the time, but I am just nothing. Everything feels so fucking far away and I am dissociated 100% of the time. I'm still struggling alot with suicidal thoughts, and the utter numb effect isn't helping so much. It's stopping me want to reach out for people. Also my partner is keeping an eye on me which is frustrating. I just wanna be left alone to self destruct.

I am worried if I go back to work and act normal everyone is going to think I am find and coping. I am not fine and I am not coping. But I need money and I have to work. I hate that working to get the basics you need to survive is essentially penalised as "you are good enough". Also not sure how works going to go. I am "vauging off" alot. It took me over 4 hours to even start doing anything today and I spent a large part of the day in bed. I am just exhausted.

Really fighting the urge to drink tonight. I normally don't bother as drinkings never helped me any. But wow the urge to self destruct is strong. Part of me is considering just doing it anyway, but I don't want to disappoint my partner. Hes basically begged me not to and I am not heartless even while feeling totally numb. You don't need to feeling things to know when your being a dick.

Overshared at my partners mum today. I just feel awkward now. Its stupid stuff that just comes up in conversation when your talking with someone. We were talking about going to uni and school and then going to work after (neither of us went to uni) and I just ended up casually chatting about how at 16 I nearlly left home, but then stayed till I was 20 because then my sister was 18 and able to choose to leave, I wasn't going to leave her in that house by herself when she didn't have her own agency. And stuff like she didn't go to uni because she wanted to party not study, my partners mum that is. And I am like, I didn't go to uni because I had to get out of that house permenantly and never come back. To do that I had to work. None of this is strange to me, but you see peoples faces and well. Its strange to them. Makes me feel ashamed or like I am self obsessed when I talk about this stuff. Even just in a casual convo. I dunno. Feel icky.

My heads walled off alot of the stuff from last week. The memories are kinda slipping out of my grip again which is panicing me. Though I know its what I wanted. Now I want them back. I feel like I had a total break down over things that were not real. I hate the fact I basically gaslight myself. I want the chance to break down again. It feels healthier than the total shutdown I am experiancing now.

I went to work (Okay, my office just across the hall, but still!). I honestly felt like shit and really struggled in the morning. Did pretty much no work, and dissociated for alot of it. But I did called and I helped people out. I have a meeting for tomorrow or wed to talk about an action plan for me working with all this shit going on. I am just lucky my boss is genuinly concerned about me as a person.

Had a weird dream last night, I mean I have odd dreams every night. But I couldn't find it till mid day and suddenly it popped in my head. I don't remember much but I was searching for answers, and I asked my sister in my dream if she remembered anything (she has a much better memory than me) and she said, "Didn't you know? It was the babysitter.". Which has just fucked my head up even more. The dream keeps feeling like its floating away from me and I doubt I will remember it by tomorrow. My head is a weird place to be. Forever remembering and then forgetting information. I feel like my memory is like trying to collect up shards of glass. Shattered everywhere, if you find one you risk cutting yourself when you pick it up and they keep slipping out of your hands, ripping them up as they go.

Its odd. I have taken the DES II (dissociation test) 3 times over the last 3 weeks. 3 weeks ago I scored PTSD levels, 2 weeks ago I scored closer to DDNS and then just the other day a few points off DID. Its crazy how much I remember and forget about my dissociation, how bad it can be and Alice, Lilly, Liam, Sid etc. Lilly has quietened down shes just existing right now, curled up sleeping. Alice is well.... Alice. She lives in her own world, never moves, never speaks, constantly so dissociated she doesn't even know where she is. Shes like some kinda dissociated monster chained up in my mind. Shes ALWAYS there, even when I forget everyone else, but I do need a prod to remember her. Liam is angry and scared, hes the one who is most scared of the new memories, he said we made a promise not to tell anyone, hes suicidal, along with Alice. Sid, Sid is honestly very quiet, hes new and hes older. He gives me hugs, though granted Liam does as well. I don't think Lilly really gets hugs, which makes me sad. I used to have a protector, more of a mum figure but I don't know where shes gone *shrugs* she may turn up. Its hard to keep track of all this stuff tbh, esp when you periodically forget people. Always a relief when I get my memory back though and I remember all their names :D. Makes me feel less crazy and more like they are real (or atleast real to me). Scares me I lost alot of this for years.

Got therapy tomorrow. I am scared. I need to talk to the therapist. I think the way she treated me in the last session was the final straw that bought out all the new memories, and I don't think I can continue working with her unless that changes. When we talked she kept trying to find a "real traumatic memory" in my childhood, which is made up alot of fear, moments and blanks. I remember small stuff, but not much. More somatic and emotional. Also depending on what memories I have avaliable that day I can remember more or less, so sometimes I can barely remember anything. I need to work out how to bring this up with her. I'm also worried she won't treat me anymore because I've gone from passive to actively suicidal and its not even started. God this is all such a mess.

I'm scared going back to work means the mental health team I am being assessed by won't help me. Its so often a criteria for things. But I have to work or I would have no money. Ah I dunno. No point worrying about that right now.

I need to sleep.