My Silent Voice (Diary)
My notes for today: Fake people with Fake motives yet they are the ones you are suppose to love and care about??
It is so hard to change me when daily I face the same unproductive crap that keeps feeding on my Traums's How do you get out of this dark hole when everything around you keeps dragging you into this pit. I never knew Love and I've had to make my pain my pleasure and find Happyness in it. Makes me wonder are some people born just to endure torrment and abuse. I trive as I just want to survive, The saying we all have the right to life and the pursuit of happyness. I'm still looking, still trying to find what should already be mine.
ScarletPear1945
@WorkingitThrough2 Sending some hugs and love to you ❤️❤️
❤️ Thinking of you. Hope you're doing ok ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
Hi, I am so sorry; I have been caught up in trying to get things straight, and it is very exhausting and time-consuming. Our internet has been unstable for a few months now. On the phone with the phone company 3 hours yesterday and nothing accomplished. I have made some progress with trying to control our finances. However, I think this fix will just be a bandaid to delay the inevitable, Losing our home. I have fixed what I could but it is going to bite us in another 6 months. Struggleing to keep our heads above water.
@WorkingitThrough2 I'd be so incredibly frustrated now with the Internet company if I were you. I'm sorry to hear they haven't been able to fix it for you. I hope they can figure out the problem soon
@mytwistedsoul
Hey Soul,👋👋
I'm sorry I haven't been around. I've been working on resolving issues here at home. I've made some progress, but not enough to make any major differences.
Had a very triggering event happen. The daughter of my raper reached out to my daughter for a friend request. This has set me back so much as feelings are surfacing all over again. After all these years. Can the past not die and leave me alone???????????????????? Her dad is now dead.
Leave us alone and don't keep rehashing this pain and memories.😭
@WorkingitThrough2 Hey you! 😊 Nothing to be sorry for. I took a break myself and have just come back
Omgosh what on earth would make her think it's a good idea to reach out to your daughter like that? It's understandable that it would bring up so many feelings and memories for you. I am so sorry this happened to you - you have so many other things you've been struggling with 😔
@WorkingitThrough2 You've been in my thoughts ❤️ Hope you're doing ok
*Sending love and lots of hugs*
@mytwistedsoul
Hey Soul,
I am sick with a virus, and I am meeting with my husband's doctors to see what my next steps should be. Things are not going well, nor are any of the VA agencies quick to respond, so sitting here on hold.
@WorkingitThrough2 Oh no! I'm sorry to hear you're sick 😞 Has he been getting worse? Trying to get things done while you're sick isn't easy either and it's adding to your stress too I bet. The VA's are slow here too. The neighbor guy has been going to one for some health issues and it takes him months to even get appts
@WorkingitThrough2 You've been in my thoughts ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
Hey, how are you, my friend? Lots going on here. I fell and hurt my leg and my sciatic nerve I got to go for an MRI next week. Been without my medications for about 2 months but have it now. The drugstore wanted to charge me $3,600.00 for my insulin I told them they lost their minds.
How are things with you?
@WorkingitThrough2 Oh no! I'm so sorry to hear that you fell and got hurt 😞 It sounds pretty serious
@mytwistedsoul
Just wanted to tell you I miss you and think of you and all my other close friends. It sucks to not be here. So in my time that I do have I am building a community out of card noard boxes. I made a Clothing store, a playground, Attorney office, General store, A resterant, swiming pool, church, and a few residential homes. I tried to post pictures but they will not accept them. Any way just a way to keep my mind occupied.
I hope everyone is doing well??
@WorkingitThrough2 Omgosh it's so good to see you! I've missed you so much! ❤️ I keep hoping that they'll get your Internet figured out and fixed up for you
@mytwistedsoul
Hello my dear dear friend❤️
well I am back on for now, thank goodness. I had to threaten them with a law suite in order to get thepr attention. My line is still in and out at times but much much better. We got denied for the care giver. They said he had to be homebound. So al back in my plate. I need to take about a week vacation but I don't see anyway of doing it at this time. Just tired of waring with hubby over dumb stuff. He gets so agitated and wants to yell and cuss at me then I want to kknock his head off😒.
My insiders have been pretty silent these days. I don't know what is happening with them. I am not sure if that is good or bad. So So many sleepless nights cause that is the only me time I can get. Going to be like @TinyWhisper11 and supper glue myself somewhere.
Things are taking a toll on me. All my clothes are to big because of the weight loss and I am only 100 pounds. I fear the worst for myself. He will probably out live me and I am allowing him to take me down to. What a waste . I am taking crash courses in handleing all the business affairs and no help.
I pray and ask for guildiance but I hear no replies from the Lord, not sure I am praying hard enough or if God has closed His ears to me. Just keeping it real.
You keep up the good work you are doing here on cups and I hope all your affairs get worked out.
Sorry for dumping this on you.
@WorkingitThrough2 I'm glad they got it sorted of figured out but gosh what a mess. It's pretty bad when you have to make threats just to have someone do something and even then they don't do it right
@mytwistedsoul
Lord, we got hit by the hurricane. Our power has been out since Friday. lost all our food and could not find but a little stuff to keep us afloat. The President has declared a state of emergency here. I thank God we just did not get killed, and there was not much damage to our property. There is still so much devastation caused by uprooted trees and power lines. No way to cook and no lights. Thank God it could have been worse. Just got the phone line back today and internet services. a Hot shower and a good home-cooked meal tonight..
How are you?
@WorkingitThrough2 Omgosh! Thank God you're alright though! ❤️ I had no idea you were in the line of fire for that horrible storm. It has caused so much devastation and destruction. I've seen a lot of footage from people. It's just horrible and then to hear that fema is broke. All the people who lost so much 😞 To go so long without power and to lose all your food stuff. That home cooked meal and hot shower must have been absolutely wonderful! Please be careful and Stay safe ok? *sending you lots of strength and love* ❤️❤️
@mytwistedsoul
I love you so much my Brother, and I feel honored to have you as my Brother. Thanks for being you and the caring compassion you show to each of us despite your own struggles.
Finding real people that care has been like finding a hidden treasure in my life. You all are my family❤️
@WorkingitThrough2 This was the sweetest thing to see this morning. Thank you so much. I can think of no greater honor than to be thought of as your brother. ❤️ You're an amazing person and I am so grateful to have met you in this life. ❤️
Hey! I just want to tell keep your faith alive it has an end and that sorts because you will surely find peace. I'd been through this yet find my soul and peace. I am sure you will too. Just make sure you are seeking help and taking meds properely it will surely heal.
I used to live like this with untamed thoughts awkward and pathetic life but with the right guidance i have made my way through postivity.
Just keep going and dont loose hope.
Love and Hugs
@decisivePenny257
Thank you
this may sound odd but we was told it ok to grieve the things we should have had. accepting we never had them. we to have questioned way and how come etc. but have learned to live and well to heal the brokenness. we can not say we never really been loved due to we not sure what love feel like and is. this due to we never really had it in a healthy way. we can not answer the questions why and if some was born to be hurt and well more. but we can say hold on to hope and try to find a balance in it all. look at not just the dark side but also the light side. blessings and even small memories that good.
@stormieandpaws
Yes I agree❤️
@stormieandpaws
Hello. just doing a wellness check-in on you😊. How are you?
@WorkingitThrough2
Sorry for adding this to a reply to your checking message to somebody else. My focus issues and trying to use this Voice thing on my phone, I still have to use my fingers to type your name.
I wanted to say thank you jumping into my little corner and checking in on me. Period I always appreciate your support and kindness, I'm always thankful to hear from you.
I hope life is starting to go on a better path for you. You deserve to be happy too. I will leave it there, trying to focus on the screen Plus focus on what I'm saying is definitely draining.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
No problem❤️, always glad to know you are ok, or as well as you can be at this time😊🙏
@WorkingitThrough2
truth not so well a friend threatened to call cops for well check on me. due to i not answered her calls and texts for 2 days. i have asked her over and over that at times we need space we never go more then 3 days without connecting her. thing is she give us no space she call like 10 times a day or more. she text none stop. we told her that if we not text or answer her calls for few days that we ok just need space, she seem to not be able to respected our boundaries at all. we get she has anxiety and worries about everything too. but is it wrong for us to need space and time to just chill at times. at times we just need to be able to think and reflected we do this by taking time with quietness. in that time we write, pray and listen to bible too. this something that helps our mental health a lot. right now we mad even more then mad due to seem we can not get her to understand this need we have for space at times. so not doing very well tonight at all thank you for asking
@stormieandpaws
I am so sorry your friend is not respecting the boundaries you have set. My therapist has told me that when setting boundaries, you also have to tell them that if they fail to respect those boundaries, ------ of your choice will be the consequence of breaking them. Then stick to it. Eventually, they will get the message.
Stick to your word with them. We all need time to breathe and rest and that is perfectly ok😊❤️
Yesterday I went to Therapy she asked "How do you want to spend our time". My reply was I don't know.
She gave me this off-beaten look but I pretended not to notice it, but I did. That made feelings begin to arise even more. The words she had spoken began to be analyzed in my head, and my brain began to pick apart the words. How do I want to SPEND........Spend....My money on this session? I thought I was paying you to help me, direct me. teach me. If I knew, why the heck should I be paying you???????
Most times she asks about my week and that is all I get to talk about the whole session. Why because it is just that much drama in my life. As long as I live with my husband the drama won't stop. So I thought I was here to deal with trauma, not Drama? Then she says as long as you got all this stress going on in your life, you can't heal.
So now I am pretty ***. All the money, time, gas, and tears have just been a waste of everyone's time and my funds. Now I am very angry. Wonder what would happen if I sued for my money back for years of more ruin. Body and mind you have tried. through through..........
@WorkingitThrough2
I'm sorry I didn't read your message here earlier. I understand your frustrations completely. And for a lot of years spanning decades my thoughts were nearly exactly what you wrote in regards to the therapist. Doesn't matter if her therapist, counselor, psychiatrist, psychologist. I always got so frustrated and angry at them for the same reason. They are the ones that are supposed to be helping me, aren't they supposed to have all the answers? I have come to understand now that day, to an extent, RA glorified listener. They have the knowledge and training and hopefully experience to try and help guide us through what we may be experiencing but the big problem lies in the fact that they have to try and get through the wall, the barriers the racing dots in my head. And that is the hardest thing for anybody to do. And that is what I have come to find here, in this community. I have found something that doesn't cure me or solve all my problems or change me or change how I feel. But I just started doing, like you've done. Doesn't matter fact I think place I may have stumbled onto your diary, writing here and sparky idea in my head to try doing the same thing. Just writing things down, as I can grasp those thoughts and try to Word them in a way that maybe makes sense. And maybe it doesn't at times. But just trying to grasp those thoughts and putting them down on paper, it is help take the edge off for me which is something that I wish I could find with a therapist or counselor or just clean find a friend, I have quite a few friends here in this community but a friend that I could have actually sitting beside me and communicating with. I know the frustration all too well of being in that pit of despair. I don't have the answers and as you know I never will pretend I do. And I only rambled about my experiences with therapist and how that has affected me over the years. I can only speak for me, but I just wanted you to know I am here, we are here for you, always with no judgment only kindness and support. In please, if you ever want to vent, I know it's hard to remember other peoples writing here and how to find it, but I do want to remind you that you can come to my little corner of the world event. I know you have this, your place to vent. I just want you to know you're not alone and I really do understand your frustration and your anger please always try to remember that in our heart and soul we are always by your side and holding your hand when you need it, and your heart and soul you never alone are your friends here are right there with you. Hopefully the anger has minimized along with the frustration, I would say that it's disappeared but I know for me at least that's asking for a difficult thing with everything that we deal with on a daily basis.
Hopefully this wasn't a garbled mess, and using his voice thingy, Voice dictation is almost worse on my ramblings so I apologize. Laying here with my eyes closed because I can barely keep them open I'm just letting the words out as I respond to him. It seems to have made my ramblings a lot longer. And if it's all right to say it, I would like to express the words to you are always out of kindness, support, and love. I hope you find the strength too get yourself a little closer to Study or traveling, everything you deal with on a daily basis something I know I couldn't handle doing. I do hope you're able to get yours self back on your feet mentally so that you can take care of yourself as well as your husband. You are in my thoughts and I'm always hoping the best for you. I will shut up for now, until next time,❤️
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
All I can say right now is💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕
Hello, diary. Things have been going wrong for some time now. Maybe it is time to just throw in the towel on my issh. When nothing I do helps the problems and they are keeping me in an aggravated state of mind that is working against my health, I need to reconsider making some new decisions.
I have been weighing the Pros and cons of leaving and not looking back. Then I think of all the times I have done just that with promises from agencies and friends to help me if I leave, only to do just that and find it was all talk and no action then I am out in the cold trying to fix somewhere safe to stay and be able to pay my bills and deposits. One of my major fears had been my past experiences of being separated from my husband and someone breaking into my home with me drugged on Doctor's medication that was supposed to help my anxiety and depression. I was so drugged that the burglar stepped on my bed through a window and I never woke up they robbed me and went out my front door leaving it wide open and it was about 3 am. I have had several such actions against me so I fear the night and I fear being alone. I may be safe now but I have never felt safe, and I am afraid of the night. For these reasons, I stay and put up with all the bull. My cons outweigh the pros.
So I guess I have to keep pretending to enjoy my life but it is a joke that is not funny. Imprisoned by my own trauma. Life has been so very very hard,
I think I believe that God knows what he is doing and why he is allowing all the pain. One day I truly hope to obtain a place in His Kingdom where suffering and pain will be no more. Lord restore my faith and Trust in you. Help me your child to understand why. You are our Father and I thought that Fathers stood up for their children. I am confused, You said we should love you with our whole heart, but Love works no ill against their brother. No, you did no ill to me, you just let the stuff happen over and over again. Now you require all my love and trust in you but I am struggling. Help me see your point of view. Some would say that I am wrong to ask this of you but your word says +Come Let Us Reason together. So Here I am seeing understanding. You have kept me, I don't deny who you are just as you are Our Father, my father was abusive from age 4 He was the only father I knew so You are Father to and the relationship is tainted and I don't know how to change that, I am crying out to hear you reach out and help me with this.
con't
I try so hard to put this hardcore shell on my back and it keeps getting invaded by the haunting of my past and the lack of your rescue. I have been victimized all my life and still, happiness is like a foreign language, or wandering in the wilderness and finding no way out. I don't like to talk about this stuff because I don't want to bring anyone into this pit I am in.
I masquerade around like this happy-go-lucky person but it is all a front, The pain inside I cover and bury as deep as I can and yet it continues to surface, I am not that bad of a person to have to have to endure this lifestyle, I feel I am too broken to be fixed.
People here are so positive and seem so happy-go-lucky and I on the other hand am stuck at the bottom of this pit. Some say to change your view or the way you think.... do this and do that but nothing seems to work. I am trying but it just ain't helping.
Where am I missing the boat?? Is this my plight? I know I am messed up and I don't deny that, I have even been trying to have more faith and trust, I can't do this alone🤷♀️
