My Silent Voice (Diary)
My notes for today: Fake people with Fake motives yet they are the ones you are suppose to love and care about??
It is so hard to change me when daily I face the same unproductive crap that keeps feeding on my Traums's How do you get out of this dark hole when everything around you keeps dragging you into this pit. I never knew Love and I've had to make my pain my pleasure and find Happyness in it. Makes me wonder are some people born just to endure torrment and abuse. I trive as I just want to survive, The saying we all have the right to life and the pursuit of happyness. I'm still looking, still trying to find what should already be mine.
ScarletPear1945
@WorkingitThrough2 Sending some hugs and love to you ❤️❤️
❤️ Thinking of you. Hope you're doing ok ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
Hi, I am so sorry; I have been caught up in trying to get things straight, and it is very exhausting and time-consuming. Our internet has been unstable for a few months now. On the phone with the phone company 3 hours yesterday and nothing accomplished. I have made some progress with trying to control our finances. However, I think this fix will just be a bandaid to delay the inevitable, Losing our home. I have fixed what I could but it is going to bite us in another 6 months. Struggleing to keep our heads above water.
@WorkingitThrough2 I'd be so incredibly frustrated now with the Internet company if I were you. I'm sorry to hear they haven't been able to fix it for you. I hope they can figure out the problem soon
@mytwistedsoul
Hey Soul,👋👋
I'm sorry I haven't been around. I've been working on resolving issues here at home. I've made some progress, but not enough to make any major differences.
Had a very triggering event happen. The daughter of my raper reached out to my daughter for a friend request. This has set me back so much as feelings are surfacing all over again. After all these years. Can the past not die and leave me alone???????????????????? Her dad is now dead.
Leave us alone and don't keep rehashing this pain and memories.😭
@WorkingitThrough2 Hey you! 😊 Nothing to be sorry for. I took a break myself and have just come back
Omgosh what on earth would make her think it's a good idea to reach out to your daughter like that? It's understandable that it would bring up so many feelings and memories for you. I am so sorry this happened to you - you have so many other things you've been struggling with 😔
@WorkingitThrough2 You've been in my thoughts ❤️ Hope you're doing ok
*Sending love and lots of hugs*
@mytwistedsoul
Hey Soul,
I am sick with a virus, and I am meeting with my husband's doctors to see what my next steps should be. Things are not going well, nor are any of the VA agencies quick to respond, so sitting here on hold.
@WorkingitThrough2 Oh no! I'm sorry to hear you're sick 😞 Has he been getting worse? Trying to get things done while you're sick isn't easy either and it's adding to your stress too I bet. The VA's are slow here too. The neighbor guy has been going to one for some health issues and it takes him months to even get appts
@WorkingitThrough2 You've been in my thoughts ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
Hey, how are you, my friend? Lots going on here. I fell and hurt my leg and my sciatic nerve I got to go for an MRI next week. Been without my medications for about 2 months but have it now. The drugstore wanted to charge me $3,600.00 for my insulin I told them they lost their minds.
How are things with you?
@WorkingitThrough2 Oh no! I'm so sorry to hear that you fell and got hurt 😞 It sounds pretty serious
@mytwistedsoul
Hi Soul,
I read your diary, and I am so sorry that you are dealing with all your father's issues. You are having the same issh with people you pay to do a job and they half do it and leave you hanging. It sucks. Good help is becoming a thing of the past. Things here have not been resolved either. I have to take a break from all the bull, making procrastinating worse. Hubby sits and plays games on his computer without a care in the world. That pisses me off.
Someone came into my yard Saturday and stole my garbage. What the H? My security cameras did not even catch a glimpse of them. That is scary and crazy all at the same time. What were they looking to find? If they blocked my cameras, then they had to be up to no good. This is something else for me to be watchful of.
@mytwistedsoul
Just wanted to tell you I miss you and think of you and all my other close friends. It sucks to not be here. So in my time that I do have I am building a community out of card noard boxes. I made a Clothing store, a playground, Attorney office, General store, A resterant, swiming pool, church, and a few residential homes. I tried to post pictures but they will not accept them. Any way just a way to keep my mind occupied.
I hope everyone is doing well??
@WorkingitThrough2 Omgosh it's so good to see you! I've missed you so much! ❤️ I keep hoping that they'll get your Internet figured out and fixed up for you
Hey! I just want to tell keep your faith alive it has an end and that sorts because you will surely find peace. I'd been through this yet find my soul and peace. I am sure you will too. Just make sure you are seeking help and taking meds properely it will surely heal.
I used to live like this with untamed thoughts awkward and pathetic life but with the right guidance i have made my way through postivity.
Just keep going and dont loose hope.
Love and Hugs
@decisivePenny257
Thank you
this may sound odd but we was told it ok to grieve the things we should have had. accepting we never had them. we to have questioned way and how come etc. but have learned to live and well to heal the brokenness. we can not say we never really been loved due to we not sure what love feel like and is. this due to we never really had it in a healthy way. we can not answer the questions why and if some was born to be hurt and well more. but we can say hold on to hope and try to find a balance in it all. look at not just the dark side but also the light side. blessings and even small memories that good.
@stormieandpaws
Yes I agree❤️
@stormieandpaws
Hello. just doing a wellness check-in on you😊. How are you?
@WorkingitThrough2
Sorry for adding this to a reply to your checking message to somebody else. My focus issues and trying to use this Voice thing on my phone, I still have to use my fingers to type your name.
I wanted to say thank you jumping into my little corner and checking in on me. Period I always appreciate your support and kindness, I'm always thankful to hear from you.
I hope life is starting to go on a better path for you. You deserve to be happy too. I will leave it there, trying to focus on the screen Plus focus on what I'm saying is definitely draining.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
No problem❤️, always glad to know you are ok, or as well as you can be at this time😊🙏
@WorkingitThrough2
truth not so well a friend threatened to call cops for well check on me. due to i not answered her calls and texts for 2 days. i have asked her over and over that at times we need space we never go more then 3 days without connecting her. thing is she give us no space she call like 10 times a day or more. she text none stop. we told her that if we not text or answer her calls for few days that we ok just need space, she seem to not be able to respected our boundaries at all. we get she has anxiety and worries about everything too. but is it wrong for us to need space and time to just chill at times. at times we just need to be able to think and reflected we do this by taking time with quietness. in that time we write, pray and listen to bible too. this something that helps our mental health a lot. right now we mad even more then mad due to seem we can not get her to understand this need we have for space at times. so not doing very well tonight at all thank you for asking
@stormieandpaws
I am so sorry your friend is not respecting the boundaries you have set. My therapist has told me that when setting boundaries, you also have to tell them that if they fail to respect those boundaries, ------ of your choice will be the consequence of breaking them. Then stick to it. Eventually, they will get the message.
Stick to your word with them. We all need time to breathe and rest and that is perfectly ok😊❤️
Yesterday I went to Therapy she asked "How do you want to spend our time". My reply was I don't know.
She gave me this off-beaten look but I pretended not to notice it, but I did. That made feelings begin to arise even more. The words she had spoken began to be analyzed in my head, and my brain began to pick apart the words. How do I want to SPEND........Spend....My money on this session? I thought I was paying you to help me, direct me. teach me. If I knew, why the heck should I be paying you???????
Most times she asks about my week and that is all I get to talk about the whole session. Why because it is just that much drama in my life. As long as I live with my husband the drama won't stop. So I thought I was here to deal with trauma, not Drama? Then she says as long as you got all this stress going on in your life, you can't heal.
So now I am pretty ***. All the money, time, gas, and tears have just been a waste of everyone's time and my funds. Now I am very angry. Wonder what would happen if I sued for my money back for years of more ruin. Body and mind you have tried. through through..........
@WorkingitThrough2
I'm sorry I didn't read your message here earlier. I understand your frustrations completely. And for a lot of years spanning decades my thoughts were nearly exactly what you wrote in regards to the therapist. Doesn't matter if her therapist, counselor, psychiatrist, psychologist. I always got so frustrated and angry at them for the same reason. They are the ones that are supposed to be helping me, aren't they supposed to have all the answers? I have come to understand now that day, to an extent, RA glorified listener. They have the knowledge and training and hopefully experience to try and help guide us through what we may be experiencing but the big problem lies in the fact that they have to try and get through the wall, the barriers the racing dots in my head. And that is the hardest thing for anybody to do. And that is what I have come to find here, in this community. I have found something that doesn't cure me or solve all my problems or change me or change how I feel. But I just started doing, like you've done. Doesn't matter fact I think place I may have stumbled onto your diary, writing here and sparky idea in my head to try doing the same thing. Just writing things down, as I can grasp those thoughts and try to Word them in a way that maybe makes sense. And maybe it doesn't at times. But just trying to grasp those thoughts and putting them down on paper, it is help take the edge off for me which is something that I wish I could find with a therapist or counselor or just clean find a friend, I have quite a few friends here in this community but a friend that I could have actually sitting beside me and communicating with. I know the frustration all too well of being in that pit of despair. I don't have the answers and as you know I never will pretend I do. And I only rambled about my experiences with therapist and how that has affected me over the years. I can only speak for me, but I just wanted you to know I am here, we are here for you, always with no judgment only kindness and support. In please, if you ever want to vent, I know it's hard to remember other peoples writing here and how to find it, but I do want to remind you that you can come to my little corner of the world event. I know you have this, your place to vent. I just want you to know you're not alone and I really do understand your frustration and your anger please always try to remember that in our heart and soul we are always by your side and holding your hand when you need it, and your heart and soul you never alone are your friends here are right there with you. Hopefully the anger has minimized along with the frustration, I would say that it's disappeared but I know for me at least that's asking for a difficult thing with everything that we deal with on a daily basis.
Hopefully this wasn't a garbled mess, and using his voice thingy, Voice dictation is almost worse on my ramblings so I apologize. Laying here with my eyes closed because I can barely keep them open I'm just letting the words out as I respond to him. It seems to have made my ramblings a lot longer. And if it's all right to say it, I would like to express the words to you are always out of kindness, support, and love. I hope you find the strength too get yourself a little closer to Study or traveling, everything you deal with on a daily basis something I know I couldn't handle doing. I do hope you're able to get yours self back on your feet mentally so that you can take care of yourself as well as your husband. You are in my thoughts and I'm always hoping the best for you. I will shut up for now, until next time,❤️
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
All I can say right now is💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕
Hello, diary. Things have been going wrong for some time now. Maybe it is time to just throw in the towel on my issh. When nothing I do helps the problems and they are keeping me in an aggravated state of mind that is working against my health, I need to reconsider making some new decisions.
I have been weighing the Pros and cons of leaving and not looking back. Then I think of all the times I have done just that with promises from agencies and friends to help me if I leave, only to do just that and find it was all talk and no action then I am out in the cold trying to fix somewhere safe to stay and be able to pay my bills and deposits. One of my major fears had been my past experiences of being separated from my husband and someone breaking into my home with me drugged on Doctor's medication that was supposed to help my anxiety and depression. I was so drugged that the burglar stepped on my bed through a window and I never woke up they robbed me and went out my front door leaving it wide open and it was about 3 am. I have had several such actions against me so I fear the night and I fear being alone. I may be safe now but I have never felt safe, and I am afraid of the night. For these reasons, I stay and put up with all the bull. My cons outweigh the pros.
So I guess I have to keep pretending to enjoy my life but it is a joke that is not funny. Imprisoned by my own trauma. Life has been so very very hard,
I think I believe that God knows what he is doing and why he is allowing all the pain. One day I truly hope to obtain a place in His Kingdom where suffering and pain will be no more. Lord restore my faith and Trust in you. Help me your child to understand why. You are our Father and I thought that Fathers stood up for their children. I am confused, You said we should love you with our whole heart, but Love works no ill against their brother. No, you did no ill to me, you just let the stuff happen over and over again. Now you require all my love and trust in you but I am struggling. Help me see your point of view. Some would say that I am wrong to ask this of you but your word says +Come Let Us Reason together. So Here I am seeing understanding. You have kept me, I don't deny who you are just as you are Our Father, my father was abusive from age 4 He was the only father I knew so You are Father to and the relationship is tainted and I don't know how to change that, I am crying out to hear you reach out and help me with this.
con't
I try so hard to put this hardcore shell on my back and it keeps getting invaded by the haunting of my past and the lack of your rescue. I have been victimized all my life and still, happiness is like a foreign language, or wandering in the wilderness and finding no way out. I don't like to talk about this stuff because I don't want to bring anyone into this pit I am in.
I masquerade around like this happy-go-lucky person but it is all a front, The pain inside I cover and bury as deep as I can and yet it continues to surface, I am not that bad of a person to have to have to endure this lifestyle, I feel I am too broken to be fixed.
People here are so positive and seem so happy-go-lucky and I on the other hand am stuck at the bottom of this pit. Some say to change your view or the way you think.... do this and do that but nothing seems to work. I am trying but it just ain't helping.
Where am I missing the boat?? Is this my plight? I know I am messed up and I don't deny that, I have even been trying to have more faith and trust, I can't do this alone🤷♀️
Well, I am back again, I was fine but a few things have just changed my whole mood. I spend so much time trying to find help for myself and looking for answers and solutions. Maybe I am just to stuck in the past to evolve. I have had lots of help keeping me there. So who do you trust and where do you go when those who are professional tear you down and make you feel worse than you were or betray your trust? We have nowhere else to go. Confidence becomes shattered. But we are our own problems and we can't change them because we don't want to. I was called a Whistle Blower. But that was never my intent. Just telling the truth. Because they have a title in front of their name they are believed and you are a mental case so what you say has no foundation. I am sick of them exploiting the weaker people and getting by with it. Paying to be victimized. Where is the justices?
It all stinks and is not right. That is why so many of us can not heal or get better. Can you see what you are doing or do you even care?
@WorkingitThrough2 You have been in my thoughts. ❤️ I wish I had answers to your questions. I used to ask why God lets things happen. Why he doesn't intervene. I've been told so many different thing, so many different reasons. I struggle to believe them.
@mytwistedsoul
Oh my God!! You nailed it. You hit the spot of my innermost thoughts, bringing tears to my eyes. Yes, yes.
Thank you; you got it. I try to answer the forum post in a positive way, knowing what my true feelings are and trying not to bring others down, but I can't. I have all the money and books, and I hear others moving right along healing and getting better, and I wonder what I am missing, what I am doing wrong. I heard a meditation video off YouTube, and he said, "If you want to change, you can because we tell our mind what to do, and it has to obey."???
@WorkingitThrough2 I think that with a meditation like that it might best be suited for working on bad habits? It's hard to tell your mind what to do when it has a mind or minds of its own. In our case there are many things that make healing and moving forward more difficult, in some instances we have others who are working against us. In all honesty, if I tried to tell my mind to obey I believe it would laugh at me. Do you ever watch any of the videos offered by The CTAD clinic on YouTube?
@mytwistedsoul
Had to rush my husband to the hospital last night. Coughing up blood and shortness of breath. We got to the hospital last night and they began running tests and he began to get worse, His kidneys started shutting down and he went into cardiac arrest now they have induced Life support to try to stop the progression of symptoms and they still don't know what is wrong with him so I am going to be in and out they have him in ICU. Keep us in your prayers
@WorkingitThrough2 Oh my dear friend, I know you have been at wits end with him and his behavior but this would have been absolutely terrifying. Trust that he is in good hands with capable doctors. Please make sure to look after yourself too! You will both be in our thoughts and prayers ❤️ We are with you in heart and spirit ❤️❤️ Sending you strength and love ❤️
@WorkingitThrough2. You will be in my thoughts ❤️.
