My Diary place

@themainjane I will reply soon sorry just for now *hugs*

@AmalieAnne

No worries. I'm also sorry to hear that your system didn't react well to the medication. There are many medications that adults can take that the smaller systems in children cannot tolerate. I'm sorry this was the case for you.

Feel better soon and be grumpy if you need to! 🙂

@themainjane That sound like so much work argh

@AmalieAnne

*Hug*

@themainjane *hugs*

I spent most of the weekend in hospital, I am ok but it means officially I am allowed to be grumpy for the rest of the week. I kind of made that rule up but it is true for reasons. I have therapy this afternoon and I am not sure what to tell her. I was in hospital because the medication to help me stop the OCD and crying made me really poorly. So I do not think I can take that or a different one because I am not an adult or something not sure what that is about. So I guess I am a little sad that the medication is not going to help, not sure if that is silly or not. I still feel kind of poorly but not hospital poorly.

@AmalieAnne

I'm so sorry! I'm glad you're not in the hospital anymore. That must have been a little scary? I'm sorry you still don't feel totally good. Hug!!!!!!! Rest and I hope your counsleor is nice to you!!!!

@KLM3278 I really do not like hospitals they do scare me but mommy stayed with me and my best friend visited so it was ok. I just do not like that thing they put in your arm and the silly dress. *hugs* my therapist is lovely and I fell asleep when I saw her on Monday

@AmalieAnne

I'm glad you're better! And yeah, I don't like hospitals either!

@AmalieAnne - That is a great personal rule to have! Absolutely, you get to feel however you feel. You get to make up your own rules for your well-being. Lots of social "rules" are made up anyway, we get to choose for ourselves. People will prove if they are worthwhile if they respect and support your rules. I'm sorry about being in hospital, I really hate being in hospital myself. Good luck on your medication search, maybe something will come along yet.

@wontsleepwontwake I like that rule as well I am still only allowed to be so grumpy or I get told off. I do not like lots of social rules, I guess do not kick people is kind of necessary though. There are things which are social unacceptable for someone my age to do but I do them, it kind of gets embarrassing but most people will let me do it. Grandmama wants to stop one thing but it helps so... just do not tell her I guess. I do not think I can take those kinds of medications unless I go into hospital but I do not think I will be trying them. That medication is making me feel sick and I stoppped taking it on Friday. Was kind of hoping that medicine would help but now I cannot take it, kind of frustrated I do not know if it would help.

@MKJart Hello, sorry I replied to you and then I could not find where I replied. My brain is being naughty and now I am not even sure I replied to you, well I did in my head but maybe not in typing. So I posted this on my feed because my brain could not remember you. Just I remembered something and well this is what I put in my feed thing. A clever found out it was so, so thank you for there help. I hope posting this here is ok.

Somewhere on the forum someone mentioned giving up the violin but who now plays the harp. I am really sorry I do not remember who you are and sorry I cannot find the post. Please forgive me fo that. I wanted to share something with you, it kind of religious so I hope you do not mind. Since it comes from the vision of Gabriel although I do not mean it be religious at least I do not think so. Anyhow,

"Then the angel heard and smiled again, and answered the praise with sweet music, which he struck with power from the strings of a mighty harp of gleaming gold, that I now saw he carried in his hand, so that the music rose and fell, filling all the firmament above the Earth with harmony of a wondrous kind. I heard it, and rejoiced with such exceeding gladness, that I seemed as one about to faint with the fulness of joy."

I guess because there was a sadness about you giving up playing the violin. I thought that playing the harp should be seen as being able do something amazing. Even seeing the angel Gabriel and the joy of it could not be surpassed by music. Music fills my soul with joy, with everything, it makes sense because it is wondrous and to me that is the closest I get to touching love, to feeling it. Playing the violin and I assume the harp is very difficult, it might look easy but it is not. Still, it is a gift to be able to play and if you share what you play as one day I hope to, remember it can feed the soul of others. I cannot think of a more heavenly gift.

@AmalieAnne

Thank you Amalie!! <3

I am grumpy, my bestest friend is going on vacation which is ok but it will be her birthday while she is away. The really bad part is in two parts, first I was going to go with her but now I am not allowed to for many reason. Including but not limited to my mommy being a control freak, recent stuff with the hospital and argh poop head. Secondly, she is will be 15 and I am still 13, which is NOT two years older, it is 1 year and four months. So no I am not two years younger than her just 16 months so it is not such a big deal although yes it is. She does treat me like a smaller (NOT little) sister which good because well my smelly big sister she is old, I mean really old like in her 20s old. Growing up I did not really spend a lot of time with her because I needed a lot of attention I guess and she was off doing old people stuff. So I am grumpy, would go talk to J. but I know I will say something bad and then I will just get told off. So I might learn voodoo magic things and do something to her... not to mean of course. OK that sounds really nasty still... stuff... Plus about 40 minutes ago I had a bug in my hair and she said I did not need to scream but what else was I mean to do? So I am grumpy and I was really doing so well with not being grumpy as well. In addition, yes there is more because blah I fell down the stairs yesterday but four or five. then it is my fault because well I did not go down the stairs in the way I was meant to and my hands were silly and did not stop me. Oh I was carrying something as well but that smashed, yes I know but it hurt so I guess I leart my lesson. Next time I will just throw all the pillows down the stairs first and it will not hurt.

Have I covered everything? Let's see not going with my bestest friend, it sucks being 13, my smelly sister, bug and stairs making me fall down them. I think that is everything. Oh yes someone on Saturday called me adorable which I am not and then decided to talk to me in that way you talk to a two year old. I did not kick them even though I wanted tooo.... Then we would have seen who is adorable. Adorable is a puppy! You do not go up to someone you do not know and call them adorable, that is just rude. Then I got a push on my back, the one telling me I have to reply with something because it is rude to just give them a 'I do not like you' look. So I say something and because my parents and my grandparents have/had worked at universities which means they have those stupid oldie parties with the wine and disgusting food I have a few standard replies. So I reply with one and then they say "Oh, your accent is adorable as well", I am not sure what accent I did because I honestly I was not paying attention and after they called me well that word I will telling foot not do move over and over again. I have no idea what my accent is and it is determined to remain that way.

So that is me being grumpy...

@AmalieAnne

Hi Amalie,

Totally OK to feel grumpy!!! I've been there. That talking to you like you're a baby or don't understand can feel so annoying. Sometimes the grumpy stumpies hit me and I even get grumpy with the people closest to me. Sounds disappointing to miss your best friends B-day. Maybe you can do a pre-birthday celebration with her before she leaves?

Be kind to yourself, compassionate to yourself Amalie because we all get grumpy sometimes.

@MKJart I guess it was more I did not know them and they did not even talk to me that is why it made me want to kick them. I am not so grumpy now thankfully although I do like grumpy stumpies it is better than being called grumpy bum. We did have a family meal before my bestest friend went, kind of been adopted in a weird kind of way. Just have to think of something when she comes back. If I am grumpy around her she just sits on my until I stop, it works most of the time for some reason. Please try to be kind and compassionate to you as well *hugs*

@Avaray just wondered how you are?

@Avaray I do not think it is courage, might be something else though more normal. I just wanted to make sure the monkeys did not get your or anything, those naughty monkeys stay away. Darn them. *hugs and cuddles* I hope you are being good also, so I do not have to release you know who on you with a fish

@Avaray That is a good picture and well done for getting close *hugs* you are a brave Avaray Are you doing ok? I had a bad week but I guess next week will be better. Our Fishy wonder is a big softy although she can be bossy boots sometimes but she is normally right. Have a lovely weekend and be good ok *hugs* I am off to bed and then the whole weekend with mommy which I am looking forward to The picture you took, it looks like the monkey is looking at you with naughty things in her mind. Anyhow *hugs*

I just lot my temper, I did not use bad language or kick, I feel bad now but at least it is out, That fact it was a minor thing well... oh well I will say sorry when I have clamed down a bit

It was about daddy and that made me angry. I wanted to cut her face off or something

@AmalieAnne

HUG

@KLM3278 thank you *hugs*

@AmalieAnne

Squeeze!!!!! 🙂

@KLM3278 Ahh not to tight or apple juice will come out of my nose

@AmalieAnne

Hee hee

@Avaray

It is the conflict within others and in part within myself as well, others tend to think of my relationship with daddy centres around two oppositional polls of good and bad. He did things which were wrong [and I still blame myself for them in part] but it is often concluded than daddy did those bad things therefore he is bad and then I should or be expected to feel a certain negative way towards him. I do not hate him; I can be angry at him but that does not preclude me loving him. So to say bad things as if all he contains is darkness untrue. He contains a certain darkness that caused the abuse which I wish he will be helped to somehow resolve. But if I were to judge a person, anyone, by acts which do not truly represent them in the whole then it would be a hopeless to care or love anyone.

So when J. said things in the light of the poll of bad it does not help, it would have been more helpful if she explored with me those things, her thinking resulted her saying those things and then me reacting. Which I cannot remember now, so Avaray you are right it is like when you hit the funny bone in your arm and it is so painful you want to scream. At least I controlled a lot in that moment although I regret saying I want to cut off her face (above not anywhere else). It just does not help when my daddy is only view in darkness, not only does it cause a funny bone moment it also causes more confusion. Adding not only to the conflict within me but to also mixed up knowing how I feel when that is far from an easy task. Hating or viewing anyone simply in darkness does represent who I am or want to be. At times it feels that others expect me be like that but there is so much more colour and light than there is darkness. If anyone is so simply understood as standing in either the darkness or light then so much would be missed.

@Avaray C'est la vie

I cannot sleep and I got some new drawing pencils on Saturday so I decided to draw AmeClaus. Even though I followed the tutorial instructions I really cannot get her eyes right but then again she has been working 380 years so of course she will look a little tired.

Alone

Marcus Valerius Martialis, a Roman poet wrote, Ampliat aetatis spatium sibi vir bonus; hoc est vivere bis vita posse priore frui. In English, if I am to translate it with any value is, a good man extends his life, to live it twice. Enjoying with satisfaction in retrospect the life as he has lived. I wonder now to the uncertainty that towards my end how much satisfaction I will have of it. Common sense says when we suffer misfortune then our emotions are of sorrow, if we fear a monster real or otherwise, then it is wise to be frightened, there is little about loneliness when we are not alone. Although [William] James thought this assumption wrong, a physical or bodily manifestation does not induce our emotions, we can however have a mental state which is far more rational. He fails to explain loneliness in this context, although for me it follows what James called a destitute of emotional warmth, which in all honesty has always been filled. Has always been filled, but cannot be filled in truth by anything which is physical.

To only appear to contradict myself the physical can offer much in terms of being, to lose the person that helped not only fill, but fuel the second method is akin to the inability to draw breath. There are physical reactions to such inability but if truly experienced would it not be the emotional affects & thoughts which cause more distress, that is if death did not swiftly follow. So to this second method, within the physical realm certainty of impossibility is ultimately inevitable, in the mental realm that impossibility turns to opportunity. James said that the blind may dream of sights, but only under the condition they had previously experienced those sights. It would follow that my mind breaks that logic, that is not to speak of my ability or uniqueness, neither do I consider it so. To talk to Darwin, to argue with James, to be in another place, to be a different version of myself has always been this second method. A method that perhaps appears of too much of loneliness, although that would be a false impression.

Galton concluded in his investigation that those who were younger and more insignificant had greater power in imagination. From Jamess own work a poor visualizer said My ability to form mental images seems, from what I have studied of other peoples, to be defective and somewhat peculiar. May I always be more insignificant, less I be more defective. Recently I find entering my imaginations more difficult and with more darkness than ever before. Although it feels like the imaginations have chosen not to fill my eyes with sights, my ears with sounds, my skin with touch. The poor visualizer is correct; it is to be defective which only leaves me to be lonely. To think of it, without imagination, memory has to serve as a poor replacement for knowing those you love who are not here. Memories are frail but imagination sparks new light throwing away darkness. Perhaps you can see how the two methods are now so closely linked, at least to me.

It would be me who would disagree with a Roman poet and epigrammatist, perhaps with age, I will agree more and find more humour in his writings. For now, all I have is this very moment, all the power I have can only be used in this moment. Even the redefinition and dare I say it the re-imagination of the past can only be done here now. That is not to even speak of the future. To draw breath I would be forced to use imaginations. If I were to break a tradition of myself I would pray to not be defective, then all else would follow. My soul would again lighten by the thing I value the most and it would scare loneliness to where it belongs. Suffice it to say I bloody detest Wednesdays.

This is from London when I went to see Wicked (not in London now, somewhere warmer). The Stage before Wicked started which was amazing (not as good as Phantom of the Opera or Love never dies) but still amazing. It was a little confusing but I think I understood most of it It was really fun though

I was going to read through some other people's diaries and read some comments in the truama bit but I got scared and confused. Sometimes I worry that if I am in the truama bit then people will not say things they really need to say, other times it feels just to scary because they do say those things or if I made a comment then people will get mad at me because well I am a teen. So things are just to scary for me and a lot of things to me feel like so difficult to understand I think I will never understand it. So.... just a thought which has been in my head for a while.

I... ok something so embarrassing goes here but there is no way I can say it... I got confused and something I thought was happening is not happening. Just it is not fair because ok I do not know many other girls my age but I asked my friends (not K. not talking to her about anything now, she is a moo moo) about these things and mommy she explained things better or more so I can understand it because she knew I was confused about it. So I have to wait longer now to be catched up. Always behind... I just want to be growing up as well... Like I have not even grown, not even to 140cm tall yet and it has been a long while. I put some weight on but only a little. So 33.1KG which argh.. is good and not good, I am not sure. The deal I had with mommy is that I had to get to 40kg to start with but then quickly it was 35kg before I could see Wicked but she said since I was being better at eating (and not making myself sick) it was ok because I am trying. So come on stupid body grow some please. I even told my toes off...

@wizeakre Hello, it is more I am scared to make a comment because what if I make that person more upset or angry. Everyone on 7cups (apart from one person but that was I first got here) is lovely and amazing, the trauma group is just full of lovely people. Just sometimes I get scared as well because they say what happened and I truly hate that it happened to them. I really wish it did not happen to them at all (crying a little now grrr). People not here or on the computer have well not... I think dismissed (?) me a lot saying well you do not understand this or that, that does not happen now but it sometimes feel that could happen if I reply. I am not sure, it helps though I looked on your profile and if you are a girl you are a mommy or if you are a boy then a daddy. It does not say on your profile thing if you are a boy or girl but any how, I do that because I know that you will not tell me off and makes it less scary. I know that might be weird but it kind of makes sense in my brain. See that was wordy and a mix of things. I will read you diary if that is ok? If I can get through the 1232 pages of Victor Hugo I can get through anything else, he liked to write. Sorry rambling now...

@wizeakre I am sure it is not a cure for insomnia although I have schoolwork to do first, even though my school has not come back from the summer break yet. I will hopefully become more comfortable. Congratulations (spelling) on your soon to be baby, do you know if it is a boy or girl? I talked with mommy about how, well babies come out and to be honest it sound so so so gross. I have been asking for a baby brother/sister everyday since I was 9, sadly I do not have one. I think I would like a little sister though, she will have my stubbornness but we could play dress up. I know I could do that with a baby brother but I think he might not like it later on but if a little sister is like me then she would. I will keep asking Still have not got a puppy and that is less gross

@wizeakre Do you a name for him yet? Maybe I could babysit although I do not to poop. I am sure you will be able to keep up, not sure if girls are worse or not. My brother was already grown up when I was little so not sure, he was always to serious though and it was my job to annoy him as much as I could When it got too much he used to get me, then hold me upside down and then I would stop Since I already have a pirate dress up, if I had a little brother I would dress him up as a mermaid but maybe he would want to be a pirate when he is bigger.

@wizeakre Well, he can be a mer-baby and then when he gets older a pirate, I mean if I ever happens. There is a problem though for your baby because I have an older brother and an older sister, so even though I am almost 14 I am still the baby of the family. So with two older brothers he will always be the baby as well. I do not think boys have more energy and my big sister (who is evil) is so bossy all the time but my brother never is. But then again I am the 'baby of the family' not the mommy so it might be different. One of my... not sure how I am related to her, she had a baby and he was so cute and he smelled so nice but I was kind of scared to touch him just in case I did something wrong. He slept a lot when I was there though which was not long.

@wizeakre He will have a new job as a big brother and it does not mean less snuggles at all. Ok maybe at first but even though my big sister is bossy she always let me sleep in her bed with her when I got scared which was most nights. If I got told to sleep in my own bed she would come stay in my bed. She helped me with learning to write and with lots of things. I hope she will never read this because it feels wrong. Once I did something really so bad and she took the blame for me. So I guess.. she is not all that evil and mean. I so hope she does not read this. So the role of big sister or brother I guess is a lot of responsibility and being sensitive is a good thing if I understand that word correctly kind of turns into empathy I think. My brother and sister are quite a big older than me but I kind of missed out a little but it sounds like your sons will be closer in age which means they can play games/fight with each other with the baby of the family having a chance to win once in a while (yes I know that sounds weird)

Big achievement for me – I ate an apple by myself

Ok for most people that is not a big achievement and well before I kind of explain why it is. I also went to school this morning (Wednesday) and was good, maybe cried a little. Then had lunch at school but J. was there to kind of help. Mommy does things a lot differently to daddy, she wants me to try before I ask for help doing something. Which is frustrating a little because well… this is the process of me wanting to eat an apple. Warning a whole lot of cuckoo bucket head girl about to come out.

*Starts the Internal self-talk* Ok I kind want to eat an apple but I have to wash my hands first. Oh wait I have to wash the apple as well; I am not sure if apple fell into the apple cart but I am sure people have touched it, so I will have to wash it as well. What is there is a worm in it? The top of the apple looks like a belly button but it looks ok. But at the bottom of the apple looks like well I cannot tell if a worm got in there. I will not even bother looking there I can never tell. So I need a plate, wait the plate has been sitting in the cupboard so I will have to wash that as well. Then I need a knife so I can cut the apple into smaller pieces so I can check each part and make sure it is ok and there is a not a worm in it. Ok so I need to wash my hands, the apple a plate and then a knife. But if I turn the tap on any dirt or germs on my hands will be on the tap from me touching it. So how can I wash my hands and everything else then turn the tap off because if I then touch the tap, it has not been cleaned so my hands will get dirty again. Ok so I can turn the tap on, wash my hands, then wash the apple, the plate and the knife but them on the table and then turn the tap off but then how am I going to wash my hands. The dirt and germs I just put on the tap will then get back on my hands from when I put them there by turning it on. Also do I wash the apple with soap or washing up liquid. It does not say on the washing up liquid bottle the dilution rate but then again I do not want to be diluted, I want to get off. So is it 100ml of water or 5 litres, they do not tell you. Why would they not tell you. I could just use the soap it does not tell you much water you need in order to get rid of the soap but I think that kind of could tell I wash my hands a lot. But then how will I dry the apple, plate and knife. The kitchen towel but I am not sure how much bacteria there is since I do not know when it was washed and how many things it has touched. I could use kitchen roll (the paper/tissue one) but then that is a waste. Also I would need to clean the table, I am not allowed to even touch the bleach but use the anti-bacteria spray to clean the table, then put three pieces of kitchen roll on it. Then as I wash each item I could put them on the table. I still have to work out how to wash my hands. *A few more minutes later* If it did fall into the apple cart why did it fall, maybe someone picked it. Do they still use carts; not sure they do. Ok I could put a chair next to the worktop, turn the tap on wash everything put it on the table, dry it and then I would have a clean apple on a plate and knife. Then I could wash my hands again, then climb onto the chair then onto the worktop, then turn the tap off with my foot. I would have to use my elbows not my hands. Wait I think I would get told off if I did that. I am not sure how to do it…. *tries not to scream* I am going to go find mommy.

This is not verbatim

Me: Mommy I think I wanted to eat an apple but I do not think I can.
Mommy: Did you try?
Me: Yes, I wanted to scream.
Mommy: Ok monkey go sit at the table
*I go sit at the table*
Me: I have not washed my hands recently
Mommy: That is ok, your hands are clean.
*mommy puts the apple on the table with no plate or knife*
Me: Is the apple dirty and need washing?
Mommy: No, it is fine to eat as it is
Me: Does it have a worm in it?
Mommy: Nope, it does not.
Me: Ok thank you
*I can now eat the apple, it is safe*

I have rules about what foods must be eaten at the table, an apple is an eat it at the table food. Do not ask what happens when I finish the apple. But this time I gave myself three minutes to do all the self-talk and then somehow at the end of the three minutes sat at the table and eating an apple. It is a big step for me. I am not saying all the spoons, knives and forks in the cutlery draw do not have to facing the same direction and be the right way up, lets not go that far. But I think today was a big step. At the start of the year I would ask daddy if I could eat an apple and he would say yes, so I would sit at the table. Daddy would cut the apple into pieces and then put it on a plate. Then I would eat each piece which a fork. I sound crazy I know but today I feel like I have really achieved something. At least if you read to this point you do not think I am all that cuckoo bucket head girl. About two years ago someone told me a story of man who lived in New York and he was using the toilet but then a rat climbed up the pipes and bite him on the bottom. Then the man closed the toilet lid but the rat tried to get out. In the end the man had to kill the rat. This story might have been just made up but it was long time after I heard that before I went to the bathroom by myself. Even now it goes through my mind when I sit on the toilet. Still, today I can both sit on the toilet and also eat an apple by myself, plus I went to school this morning. I deserve a candy cane… ok starts internal self-talk… only joking, it is there one but today is proud I ate an apple by myself week.

@AmalieAnne

Much love and so proud of you! 💜

I hope it is okay I commented here. I dont make it a habit of reading your diary because I dont want to be a snoop. But I did read this and felt you deserved some kudos. Progress is difficult but feels good when its done, yes? At least it is so for me. Ill do a mental happy dance for you like Snoopy would. ☺️