My Diary place
Not sure who will read it or if anyone wants to, so I guess it is for me. I can put things here when I need to and if you are reading this remember it is just the ramblings of me. So I will put things here and it will not get in anyone elses way.
Out of insecurity and a wish to protect, for the matter does her no assistance should it be best to crush her little womans selfhood and turn her into one in a safe timeless nobility. She knows much of everything and tells of nothing or worse to such she pretends. In the name of our best has been, carefully, she is constructed in alike portrait by numbers to then only help our clumsy hand to fill, in time, the colours. Fall in love to what a pinkish red is must be. Money such as that of earthly wealth shinning white. The happy ever after, an impossible blue and gold. Does she believe these are the proper colours? Herself blurred the colours, of course getting them wrong, but she is hoping that with luck they will be comparable to truth.
When she comes around to sense, the feeling of life, such as the sobering of food spirits and by our own efforts, to answer all matters. A judgement, not only of her but how she dared to live. She has put up with, wanted little so why didnt you kill me, mother? To travel in my mind only to end up in the same place, a ridiculous notion of thought and energy. Just to argue that these tears are yours because you cried them. A soul that has been lost, not taken either by choice or theft, it leaves her with wanting it back. It is suspected that black angels follow her right now, she would not discover that jumping off a bridge to see if the ability to fly has been granted. That is somewhat unfundamental.
So not only talk of colours, include a masquerade not for her but for all of us. If ignorance is bliss do not blame me when you push for the knowledge. There will always be darkness in the light and she has such gladness of it. To TS Elliot she reads we shall not cease from exploration, but disagrees with the ending. The rest has not been written yet so it serves no use, at least not now. It is still to be filled in with colours, she assumes the numbers are already there, but she is not always to be believed.
I cannot sleep because my brain is being mean to me and will not stop thinking. So one of the things is I had my first birthday without daddy and then I was really grumpy (sorry again Kite) and soon it will be my first Christmas so kind of do not want to be grumpy/mean to anyone. A lot of things will not change and there are lots of good things happening. I am still worried that grandmama will shoot daddy so I have banned her, that is a more general worry because blaaahh…
My brother will be here tomorrow so I will tell him off because I am not seen him for such a long time and then it he has some surgery to do. Billy goats leg is almost falling off so he has to fix him, it is scary but he needs fixing. Then later I will take grandpapa for walkies because I really want to go to Costa and then maybe the candy shop called overdose. It will not be open until 11am or so though, darn me the Spanish. Grandpapa is a very handsome boy, he has blue eyes and dark blonde brown hair. Well, he used to he is a little grey now… well very grey. But I think that grandmama is so bossy it made him grow grey hair. She would boss the king around if he was naughty. Grandpap used to have a beard but I have only seen him have it in photos.
Not really sure what I am talking about now just kind of random stuff. I might have to do physiotherapy again, maybe. I really do not like that because the last time it hurt and it made me really tired. Hopefully my brain will start working with my body, getting taller means my stupid brain has to work out how to do things. I kind of want to be taller though. At least here (Spain) it is warmer, that is good. Ok I am going to see if amazon music has any Christmas songs just because.
Brave Women in History [Part 1]
Mary Wollstonecraft (1759 – 1797)
In the summer of 1789 after the last muskets were fired, the last building set aflame, the new world of the French Republic was born. From the fall of the Bastille, the idea of ordinary people who could & would taking back power, Mary Wollstonecraft like so many others came to see the world differently. In 1792, she published ‘A Vindication of the Rights of Woman; following Edmund Burke 1791 ‘The Rights of Man. She saw little in the rights of men if women were excluded, her dangerous ideology was simply that men and women are and should be equals.
For her, she could never just be a wife and mother, she was a citizen, and she wanted more. Her book became the earliest work of the feminist philosophy, she was a serious and educated woman and she wanted girls to be not only educated but in this new French Republic the radical view of women being equal to be accepted. This however was a dangerous time, those that gained power wanted to keep it. During the spring of 1793, war between Britain and France created in France not just a police state but also something more dangerous; a paranoid police state. Mary was now not just a hyena in [a] petticoat, as the essayist Walpole wrote, now she was an enemy of France. She escaped the guillotine just in time, registering as the wife of an American, to make her escape.
In October 1795 after finding that, her husband Gilbert Imlay had a new mistress she walked the streets of London long enough for the rain to soak her dress, then she jumped in the Thames. She would not be given her suicide; a boatman pulled her out of the water. At the age of 37, her faith in the virtue of people, of revolution, of the possibilities of a womans independent life seemed lost. Some months later, she got her second chance in the form of a philosopher William Godwin who not only rejected romance alongside marriage but also private property. The two feminists were married at St Pancras Church, some months later Mary gave birth to her second child, one week later she died from septicaemia.
Godwin wrote, I firmly believe there does not exist her equal in the world. She too many is remembered as the founder of modern feminism, if not for her bravery then her writings that saw the freedom of women in the freedom of men.
@AmalieAnne
great write up. loved reading it. thanks for sharing.
feminism! i fail to understand. is it women asserting their rights or women trying to overpower men? if it is equality that women aspire for, then i think we need to invent new term other than "feminism" . Feminism as i understand is incomplete without agressive assertion that men need to be taught a lesson or men need to be kept in check or generic hatred for men. As a man, in public sphere, would like to share my workspace or public space with a woman who asserts her identity through rationality, emotions, intelligence rather than just making gender the cornerstone of her existance. The same goes for men when it comes to public sphere. When it comes to private sphere, i would love a woman who sees me as her equal. Not that i deny shortcomings in men. Men have been unjust to women is a fact. What i fail to understand is what will women achieve if they exclude men from their lives and look at their rights in isolation because currently "a feminist" is at war with "a man". As a man, i fail to understand how will it work because a man and a woman need each other if not complete each other.
@RainMann There are two things, the first is that historically women have been subject to things which men have not. This is reflected in my own culture, where due to gender things have been unequal. I am saying that because of my own reading in history and my own culture. I wish to celebrate or mark those who wanted the world to be different and those who have been successful in doing so. I admire those who are like me, who have been where I have and who I identify with.
Secondly, I do not live in history and I find the culturally separation of male/female to be wrong and pointless to a degree. I know men/women who are role models to me but I do not care about their gender. Trust me I hate genders! I would not want to exclude anyone.Equality to me is blindness to pointless social categorisation based on race, age, genders.. I can go on. If those categorisations mean something to anyone it is important and that I think is the real point of what I wrote.
Amalie, A most confusing year
Synopsis of Synopsises
It has been one year since it was known that I was abused, one year since seeing daddy, one year since the night before when such things happened. One year of confusion, of embarrassment. Well, that was particularly awkward. Glad it is over with.
Strange place of allies
‘I cant do that, she yelled. On my 13th birthday I received a gift of a laptop, I cried. It has never been more firmly said I do not like them. A book I can touch, A person I can see. So I made my excuses and passed them on. For it to become an ally then is somewhat strange.
The conspiracy
Requires at least three people. I got weights for the swimming pool for Christmas from Granny & Granddad shortly afterwards mommy said she should go swimming and so we did. I have not used the weights yet, being more an above water kind of person, still they had me fooled. Shame on them, shame on me.
The Start of the year
Ahh.. the dance of dances. The movements not controlled by me, that whisper of music in the air. The unknown music that will move me. The movement which will scare me. The fear which will end me.
Of emotions
I can report that emotions are like genders, a pain the bottom. They are social constructs that are not found in a consistent manner for one society to another. Much like they are found in me if I am honest. They are difficult, often easier to ignore but mostly a pain the bottom.
Naughty feet, On Naughty legs.
Now it has been known for all too long that those naughty feet and their internal need to kick others can cause problems. Why you ask, well that is simply because of its effective nature to express what I feel at the time. To show my protest still has it not been said that grace is in restraint. Sometimes though grace is less, satisfying than expression. If though for good measure, the battleground is in those naughty legs.
The year of Poop (blaah)
It has been a million years since this year has started. A confusing statement. It has not been the adventure one would hope. It has made me tired, made me cry.
The talk of differences
The thing is… about differences is that although we share so much in common No… the thing is that we try to be the same, to be normal but that is uniquely stupid. Wait… the thing is that… why is this difficult. We are all different but really we are not… is that it? I think so… yes it will have to do. She killed the dog again… The dog is very much alive… for now.
Most uncomfortable seating
She still sits on me when I am grumpy. I feel I have harmed her, she is strong though and no matter how sorry I am in the end it has been forgiven. I am grateful of that, maybe I should have listened to her sooner. Or ignored her for longer… who is sure of such things? Not me.
Talk of the mommy
We disagree, we get along. She will always been the angel I knew, no. Do know, do not forget that, it is important.
The Interval (Intermission)
This is the part I charge you unreasonable prices for those little tubs of ice cream. So I went to school yesterday, the whole day and I almost did it. By that I mean I did not completely not cry but it was progress. Any who, I did some research about sperm whales and there is one thing that is truly remarkable and that is how they sleep. While the children/teen whales are playing, the oldies need to sleep because they are old and stuff. Whales are mammals so can drowned if they forget to breathe so they turn off half their brains at a time and then take a nap vertically. They also keep an eye on the little whales or a sound, I could not find a lot of information about their senses but most likely see through sound. That is why their heads are so big, scientists think maybe to help with producing and receiving clicks. The oldies can also withstand a pressure of up to 200 that at land level which is enough to crash me into a little tub of ice cream. Also I am never going into the sea again, they most likely would not eat me but I am not risking it.
Talk of the daddy,
As a reward for walking I married daddy at the age of six, it was a most splendid day. One thing which can never change is that he is part of me and I, part of him. A light of hope and desperation both within and shining into the foggy night. These things must not, cannot, change. Such things are important.
Those that always belong, Entr'acte
Do not stare at your feet Amalie it does not work like that, to walk without help focus on where you need to, want to go. This works the same as that, look at where I need to go, not the way I am to get there. Write that on your shoes so you remember it. Now I am looking up, I can see in an odd way, I belong. No that is wrong, I can see the way others belong to me. Yes, I think that is it just expressed in a non-slave kind of way. You get what I mean, it is just is just my clumsy way of travelling to the point. Such irony, makes me laugh or cry, place the appropriate emotion here.
Progressive silliness
The Greatest Show on Earth. EN GARDE PEASANT. I will NOT be bested, neither have I been bested before you fool. Oh no, you have bested me. Darn you. *Dies dramatically on the floor* The end.
The confused Momkey
Born long ago, the Momkey. See above for an example of the confusion of the Momkey. We have grown together, stronger. My new lighthouse that stood in the dark shinning just unseen until now, that is my mistake, my regret.
What is my name?
Did I not talk of naughty feet before? My name is Amalie-Anne that is Am-I-lee Ann. I will accept the a sloppy rural Am-murrrrrrrrrrr-lee, but nothing less. It is not me you are insulting, it is my feet and they do not care for it. Try your best ok? That is enough. It will always be enough, just do not look surprised if get kicked. I cannot control everything nor would I want to. You just have to accept that.
Monsieur Billy Goat
A beloved companion, strong, brave, err.. goat like. Noble.
Darn it!
Now I am not saying I get it all, actually I do not get a lot of it. It still confuses me, makes me angry, makes me sad.
Always the same
I still love frozen yoghurt, I still see the world as I like to, I still am me. The conclusion therefore must be one of hope. No matter how far I am taken, how far I choose to go, I am me. Let it be heard from this day that is the inevitable destination.
Acted 3?
Not yet, wait for it. It will be worth it. Weirdly, that is not as grumpy as I expected it to be. Very weird. Maybe too weird. I like weird but this is just excessively weird. Be on the look out it cannot be this grumpiness, that is unthinkable. It is weird that I wear my giraffe socks to get confuse my body into growing taller. I accept that is weird but this.. I do not know. Muskets at the ready.
Have you ever been insulted in ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs? Well, you have now and if you can work out the insult I will give you a million Belgium Francs (assuming it is now legal to photocopy it and also, if I can find someone who has a note I can photocopy). The hieroglyphs are the pictures not my bad handwriting, I tried my best to do my nice handwriting but I cannot see the line paper through the drawing paper. So I put what I wrote, with corrections [darn it!] below. It is an old Egyptian insult and it is not rude or anything just funny. It includes a bird that have been mean to me. Egyptian hieroglyphs are really complex and difficult so I am just learning a little bit about them. Thank you to Charlie for making an amazing page where you can create your own. That is here: rarelycharlie.github.io/hieroglyphs I used it to practice and Charlie is very clever 
'In the myths of Ancient Egypt Helios (Ra – King of the Gods) found his wife Rhea (Nut) to be unfaithful, so he put a curse on her so she could not have children. Nut being distraught turned to Thoth (Hermes) who came up with a clever stratagem against the Moon-Goddess. Thoth won and gave five days to Nut in which she had five children. Osiris (picture left). Horus, Set, Isis and Nephthys. Osiris became a great king and the land of Egypt flourished under his rule. However, Set (Typhon), Osiris brother, was a bitter enemy. While Osiris was away, he left his sister and wife Isis to rule the country. Set along with Aso, the Queen of Ethiopia, and other conspirators tricked Isis and Osiris. Osiris was put in a chest and then boiling lead was poured into the chest which making it Osiris coffin.
Isis found Osiriss coffin with the agency of demons on the shores of Byblos. Set, because he was a poop head, ripped Osiriss body in pieces and scattered them throughout the land. When Horus their son became of age to rule, he captured Set and give him to this mother, Isis, who let Set go. Shocked by this Horus decide vengeance would be his. Horus and Set, it is still said, battle with each other with victory falling to neither side yet. When Horus vanquishes Set for good, Osiris will return and reign once more as the king of Egypt until then he will King of the Dead.'
I do not think I will ever be a poet.
The loneliest place is in my heart,
Endless millions of hopes forgotten.
The conflict between the head,
Knowing that two things can exist.
It does not matter if it is dead.
Ive been alone, I would rather be
with you, for all the things
I need are found within you.
All you need are found within me.
It is you that makes me someone.
Someone special.
I am not the strongest nor bravest,
Of all the things, I can only be me.
It has to simply be, I cannot be
your saint or be beaten down.
I thought of anybody you could,
be the one, who could be my saint,
be my prince.