Journey to Freedom

@NoneTheWiser

no. I love your comments! Thanks!

Joy mixed with pain. This weekend has been fun. Bonfires and lavender farms with friends. Meeting my friend's puppy. An early morning walk. My first shopping trip post Covid! Joy. Community. Love for my city, life, friends, community, apartment, cat, future.

But it can waver so fast. My friend posted a beautiful instagram post with pictures of her friends/family. And the importance of the our family and how we should be grateful to those who raised. And my heart clenches. I feel the tears rising, but of course i don't actually cry. Too many years of conditioning to let that one happen. But I feel the tears. Tears of longing. Tears of shame. Tears of beauty at this amazing family. Tears of heart-wrenching pain.

I'm so torn. I love my family. There have taught me so much. We have had amazing vacations and holidays. They have helped me fix my car countless times. Or taught me cooking, finances, life values, etc. I'm grateful to them.

BUT on the other hand, it's complicated. Every conversation is riddle with the ways I'm a failure. How I'm worthless, unlovable, and unwanted. How I'm too fat, ugly, loud, have too much energy, stupid, worthless and how everyone will leave me once they know me. How I'm just a mistake. How I'll die and fail every choice I make on my own.

And then there's the physical side. It's better now. But ther are still the occasional punch's, kicks, pinch's, neck grabs, groping. It's so much better. I'm no longer pinned to the ground for a beating, beaten with weird objects, stripped naked and manipulated, etc. I am free between the monthly visits. But even though the worst is over, the fear is still there. The hatred. The loathing. The nausea.

So, IDK. How can love and gratefulness mix with pain and fear and loathing. How do you forgive? How do you make your heart stop breaking over a cute instagram post? How do you find love? I mean I seriously want nothing more than an actual human hug and someone to hold me and create a safe place for me to actually release the tears.

Also, I fully understand the grammar, spelling, etc. are not very good in these posts. I honestly could care less. I am typing and letting the words flow in moments of triumph or pain in these posts. So, please don't judge. I know better. But my focus is more in getting the words out than being correct.

The pain is overwhelming. How can I try so hard but still be unlovable? How can I be so worthless? I just want someone somewhere to hold me as the panic rushes over and to hug so tight that the broken pieces stick together.

There is one person who cares. There is one person who knows. And I missed their birthday. What an ungrateful, worthless bitch I am. I had gotten her some earrings earlier this week. but I had decided to make her a cake...

but the panic set in..... what if it wasn't perfect. What if she didn't like it? What if I made a mistake? Would she leave me? Would she hate me? TW read forward with caution

All of a sudden I can't breathe. I'm just a child. I'm rushing to be done. My elbow hits the bowl. It crashes to the floor. Cake mix splash's everywhere. I'm frantic. I'll clean it before They know. But I hear the yell , "what was that?" The look of anger in his eyes. The hand reached for his belt and slides it out. I turn so that my front is protected and press into the cabinets. I push into the wood as hard as I can. I hear the whistle and the first lash stings. Then another and another. I'm shaking and crying. It won't stop. It goes on for what feels like hours (really minutes). It ends with the phrase, "nobody will ever love someone like you".

I can't lose my friend. What if the cake isn't perfect? What if I mess up. I can't bear to lose her. She is not like him.....but the terror remains.

What if they're right? What if I am a failure? What if I did deserve it? What if I'll always be doomed to be worthless? What if everyone does hate me? What if I'll never be good enough? What if I just give up? What if pain is all that is left?

Does anyone else find they over-react? Like emotions are too much? For years, I'd had my emotions beaten out of me. But now that I can feel, it's overwhelming.

I suppose working on the Covid floor, having to give up my sport for 6 months and counting, isolation of quarantine, angry disputes in the streets of my city, and flashbacks/anxiety can be overwhelming. But the panic and pain is insurmountable.

I cried today. Like straight up broke down sobbing. What is going on? How do you handle these emotions? It just hurts to exist some days.

And does anyone else have weird reactions to things. My therapist forgot my appointment, and all I could hear was my dad saying "you'll never even be able to pay someone to care about you". Someone pats my shoulder, and I can feel his fingers grabbing my neck. The stench of cologne. The smell of coffee breath as he forces his mouth in you face. Lying on the floor after yoga and memories of being pinned down and the rug burn from his manipulations. I can't. Why are normal things so traumatizing?

@BraveAdventurer

Yes i have problems wirh too many emotions. Thus I got the book called Language of Emotions by Karla Mclaren to be able to identify my emotions as well as understand them.

Got the Medito App and did thier daily meditation ( Headspace is also great) to clear my mind. That bussiness is awful inside my head and hurts. This clears it out.

learned what grounding techniques for in the moment situations.

Learmed i need to put in more enjoyment in life because it has a calming effect on life, makes things just roll off my back more. (To do enjoyable things actually is the most difficult thinhg to do for me)

Also started to retrain my mind with views from mel robbins ( look her up on youtube) and the audiobook called " the subtle art of not giving a F#@&."

What would it look like to disappear? What would it look like to give up? What if the pain would just end? If I'm truly unlovable, would anyone even notice my absence? I don't want him to touch me ever again. But yet there is no way out. I'm trapped and alone.

@BraveAdventurer

I wonder the same. If I am so unlovable will people care if I die. Oddly people do not show they care while you are alive but when you are on your deathbed or in the hospital because of a "a random stabbing" ( aka suicide attempt masked as an act of crime) you will realize people only like you when you are almost dead or even dead. We are all only valued once dead. How many people become famous after death? Many. So dont wait for people to love you. Love yourself and just wait out your years on this planet. Find small pleasures and enjoy the heck out of it. Go to town with it! If it is crocheting, painting, fishing, singing, shopping, vacations, etc. Screw people. They hate us and we have no value.

@BraveAdventurer

Yeah start a journal!!! It is a great story that can be a book one day!

@SweetPearCrumble

Thank you. I just have to get it out sometimes. I hope you are doing well and healing as well

@BraveAdventurer

Thanks. I am a work in progress.

@SweetPearCrumble

we all are. Do you have a journal on here?

@BraveAdventurer

No i do not. I like to stay mysterious.

Can anyone offer any encouragement? Weekend at home with my abuser? I need strength? Is there anyone out there????

@BraveAdventurer * sitting with you* I'm sending you some strength and good vibes. I wish you didn't have to go home to that. Is there no way to get out of going?

@BraveAdventurer

* sits with you too if that's ok* Sending you strength. You will be in my thoughts.

I'm home. I hurt. I can't feel. The lies are echoing in my head.
But there was good too. Getting my car taken care of. Kayaking/paddle boarding. Watching wildlife. My mum braiding my hair.
How do you reconcile the good and the bad? How do you love the man who washed your car and launched your kayak while hating the man who yelled for your not agreeing, who told you were unlovable for changing your hair, and who got so angry because there was bird poop and tree sap on your car that he left your face stinging. I just can't figure it out.

@BraveAdventurer

If someone hurts you that is not love. Would you call Fool's gold actual gold? They sure are not the same in price or value. Sorry to tell you but you have fools gold. I am rooting for you that you have somewhere else you can go. To stay with someone else that actually loves you, like a parent or best friend until you recover from this relationship. It is a brave step to take, to walk out. You deserve to be treated well. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect. What makes him think that his behavouir is acceptable? Would he accept what he does from someone else?

@NoneTheWiser

Nooooo. Stop making sense. I don't want this to be true. But I think you're right. I just don't want to admit it. It just hurts too bad

But thank you for your reply. I've missing hearing from you oh Wise one. Your feedback is always so amazing.

The person I thought who cared......doesn't. I thought I'd found someone. But they were just being nice. Behaving how they thought they should. I was fighting for them. Because I thought I'd found someone somewhere who cares. But it's a farce. I am actually truly, completely unlovable. I'm done fighting. I was 22 days clean from
SH......but tonight I quit! Why even fight anymore?

@BraveAdventurer

I know we don't really know each other but I don't think you are unlovable. You have been an inspiration to me. I never know the right words but I'm here fighting for you.

@RedHawk6547

Thank you so much. That means sooo much! I really love seeing you around too!

@BraveAdventurer You were in my thoughts today - I hope that maybe you took a pause and maybe tried to distract - but I also understand if you didn't - no judgements - you are worthy of love - I'm sorry you hurt so much right now

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

@mytwistedsoul

Thanks for always being there. I'm so thankful for the community here. I love seeing your posts. You are amazing.

@BraveAdventurer You're welcome :) it is a really nice community - there are some really great people here

Lol - thank you but - I'm really not

We are stronger than most. We are super heroes. We legitimately can handle more than anyone else.

She gave up on me. I had someone who listened, who supported, who promised to never leave my side, who promised to never walk away, who promised she wasn't scared of my SH. She promised to always stand by and fight for me. I knew I was unlovable, but I dared to hope. I trusted her.

Until I showed up from a trip home with a black eye. My car was dirty. My dad decided a piece of metal was more important than me. Out of the blue, I was too much. I was more than she could handle. It got real and she set a boundary. I respect that. I don't want to hurt her. I KNEW I was unlovable, but I dared to hope.

But it hit me, she can't handle hearing about it. Yet I have to live it. All she had to do was listen and be there, and she couldn't handle it. How STRONG are we, that we live it (and live with the crappy ways it's destroying us) everyday. How BRAVE are we that we get up, go to work, do life, and never quit. To be unlovable, unwanted, and worthless but to show up every day and offer love, to work our hardest, and work to see others I think we are the strong ones

I freaking did it!!!!!! 29 days! I beat my SH goal! Tomorrow is my impossible goal....30. I'm a freaking badass superhero!

Ok that is all. I am alone in this fight. I am thwarted on every side. But screw this shit! I'm going to make it! I'm fighting and succeeding and growing!

@BraveAdventurer

You are not alonw in this fight, I am here and believe in you. How did day 30 go?

@BraveAdventurer

Yay!!!! For making it so far. Keep up the good work and your struggle will pay off.

@NoneTheWiser

See below. I try to explain. I didn't mean to leave you guys.....it was just too much.

I''be been a bit MIA because life was too much. So quick update.TW ABUSE, TRAFFICKING, SELF-HARM

I started having horrible flashbacks/nightmares/being unable to sleep. This plus working Covid floor and several of my patients passing.....it was too much.

As a kid, my dad would take me to this brick rancher. Would tell me to be good and do as I'm told. I was scared, especially when the man ripped of my pants...I fought. I think I even bit him. (I was only 7 or 8). So, he called his friends in. One had my arms. Another my legs. I remember the pain. The confusion. But most of all the humiliation and degradation of their hands all over my body. It happened once a week....every week for awhile. So, now when i sleep.....I feel their hands holding me. (Why I have to sleep under tons of blankets...even in the summer)

And my beloved patients... they come in. WE fight so hard. Some make it....but so many don't. It's overwhelming.

So, I made a plan. There's a bridge with pedestrian access and great parking. If I just jumped.....but I didn't. I came back safely.

Then my car was hit by another driver. It's been 2 weeks, and after 5 hours of insurance interviews, insurance has agreed to pay. I'll be able to get it fixed starting next Tuesday. But there is a chance I won't have it fixed in time for our vacation.....I might have no car/no means of escape when I got my abuser for 8 days. I may be trapped. I'm so scared. I'm depenedent on my abuser in some ways....i know it means I'll owe him. And I'm scared. I'm trapped.

But I've had breakthroughs too! I've discovered tapping and some cool coping mechanisms. I'm slowly gaining confidence in myself. I've fought past the bridge stage. I'm here to fight and survive and maybe even flourish. I can do this! I'm strong. We can keep fightiing. There is hope. Don't give up.

My coolest new thing: Write down one thing that you did every day that was empowering! One thing that made you feel strong or that you're proud of yourself for! It helps!

@BraveAdventurer

@Nonethewiser

In case you wanted to know why I've been MIA.

@BraveAdventurer I'm so sorry you have to deal with those memories. They're - God it's sickening - the things people can do. Especially to children. The innocent. Im sorry you had to go through that and now the aftermath in the form of flashbacks amd nightmares

You've often come to mind when the news is on. Maybe that sounds weird - but with all the coverage about this virus - it's everywhere. I can't imagine how hard it must be caring for these people - trying to make them better - it's heartbreaking

Your poor car! I'm glad you weren't hurt though. I'm - I couldn't imagine having to go back. I mean - I understand that there is allways circumatances and situations that complicate things. I hope that they can at least get the car functional - maybe since the car was in an accident - maybe you could get a rental? Sometimes you can even get it discounted through your insurance. Then you have a way to leave when you need to

I'm glad you had some break throughs - tapping is pretty cool isnt it?

I'm glad you didn't use your plan and I hope maybe you put it away for now. I hope you'll reach out to someone if it catches your eye again

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

@mytwistedsoul

Thank you so so much. Wow just wow. This means so much!

One day at a time. I will survive this. The plan is always in the back of my mind, but I'm determined to not go back there again.

And I'll survive whatever the next few weeks bring.

But I've missed this community and support.

How are you doing? I miss your posts and hearing from you. you are so smart and insightful. I think you are so amazing!

@BraveAdventurer You're welcome :) I'm glad you don't plan on going back. Its a journey ive tried to take a number of times. Zero stars - definitely do not recommend. One day at a time is the best way

I hope a time comes when you no longer need to return and deal with your abusers. A time when you truely have your freedom from them

Today is actually a pretty ok day thank you for asking :)

I think you're pretty amazing too

@mytwistedsoul

oh wow. You are so strong. I also love your trip advisor rating of these thoughts/plans. Lol. It made me laugh so hard.

There are so many good things in the world. But Im trapped. The abuse wont stop. Everything is falling apart. My life and body are just a toy for him. And though Im constantly searching for the good, the pain is too much. I was ready to give up. I know exactly how and when and where. But the one lady who cared bought me a chai today.
I told her I didnt have time for a proper breakfast before work. Of course, Im used to getting beaten for something like that. So, I instantly apologized.
She looks me in the eyes and says Ill never be mad at you. The only thing that would make me mad at you is if you give up the fight. Youre not allowed to give up on me.
I fight for her. Because someone actually cared enough to know my story and love me. Because I cant make the person who cares that I exist mad.

@NoneTheWiser

no ma'am. He cut me off financially the second I became an adult. I literally have no financial ties to him.

No thumbs up before a sporting event. No "what do I wear" advice. No matching Christmas pjs. No households full of love and laughter around holidays. No being Valued for who I am

As a child, I dreamed of adoption and rescue. The second I turned 18, the dream of being loved was shattered. There would be no family. No unconditional love. No carefree fun.

The pain of the realization that I lost my chance at being loved....

But I'm finding friends and family to fill that void. And slowly but slowly I'm healing.