Journey to Freedom

Joy mixed with pain. This weekend has been fun. Bonfires and lavender farms with friends. Meeting my friend's puppy. An early morning walk. My first shopping trip post Covid! Joy. Community. Love for my city, life, friends, community, apartment, cat, future.

But it can waver so fast. My friend posted a beautiful instagram post with pictures of her friends/family. And the importance of the our family and how we should be grateful to those who raised. And my heart clenches. I feel the tears rising, but of course i don't actually cry. Too many years of conditioning to let that one happen. But I feel the tears. Tears of longing. Tears of shame. Tears of beauty at this amazing family. Tears of heart-wrenching pain.

I'm so torn. I love my family. There have taught me so much. We have had amazing vacations and holidays. They have helped me fix my car countless times. Or taught me cooking, finances, life values, etc. I'm grateful to them.

BUT on the other hand, it's complicated. Every conversation is riddle with the ways I'm a failure. How I'm worthless, unlovable, and unwanted. How I'm too fat, ugly, loud, have too much energy, stupid, worthless and how everyone will leave me once they know me. How I'm just a mistake. How I'll die and fail every choice I make on my own.

And then there's the physical side. It's better now. But ther are still the occasional punch's, kicks, pinch's, neck grabs, groping. It's so much better. I'm no longer pinned to the ground for a beating, beaten with weird objects, stripped naked and manipulated, etc. I am free between the monthly visits. But even though the worst is over, the fear is still there. The hatred. The loathing. The nausea.

So, IDK. How can love and gratefulness mix with pain and fear and loathing. How do you forgive? How do you make your heart stop breaking over a cute instagram post? How do you find love? I mean I seriously want nothing more than an actual human hug and someone to hold me and create a safe place for me to actually release the tears.

Also, I fully understand the grammar, spelling, etc. are not very good in these posts. I honestly could care less. I am typing and letting the words flow in moments of triumph or pain in these posts. So, please don't judge. I know better. But my focus is more in getting the words out than being correct.

The pain is overwhelming. How can I try so hard but still be unlovable? How can I be so worthless? I just want someone somewhere to hold me as the panic rushes over and to hug so tight that the broken pieces stick together.

There is one person who cares. There is one person who knows. And I missed their birthday. What an ungrateful, worthless bitch I am. I had gotten her some earrings earlier this week. but I had decided to make her a cake...

but the panic set in..... what if it wasn't perfect. What if she didn't like it? What if I made a mistake? Would she leave me? Would she hate me? TW read forward with caution

All of a sudden I can't breathe. I'm just a child. I'm rushing to be done. My elbow hits the bowl. It crashes to the floor. Cake mix splash's everywhere. I'm frantic. I'll clean it before They know. But I hear the yell , "what was that?" The look of anger in his eyes. The hand reached for his belt and slides it out. I turn so that my front is protected and press into the cabinets. I push into the wood as hard as I can. I hear the whistle and the first lash stings. Then another and another. I'm shaking and crying. It won't stop. It goes on for what feels like hours (really minutes). It ends with the phrase, "nobody will ever love someone like you".

I can't lose my friend. What if the cake isn't perfect? What if I mess up. I can't bear to lose her. She is not like him.....but the terror remains.

What if they're right? What if I am a failure? What if I did deserve it? What if I'll always be doomed to be worthless? What if everyone does hate me? What if I'll never be good enough? What if I just give up? What if pain is all that is left?

Does anyone else find they over-react? Like emotions are too much? For years, I'd had my emotions beaten out of me. But now that I can feel, it's overwhelming.

I suppose working on the Covid floor, having to give up my sport for 6 months and counting, isolation of quarantine, angry disputes in the streets of my city, and flashbacks/anxiety can be overwhelming. But the panic and pain is insurmountable.

I cried today. Like straight up broke down sobbing. What is going on? How do you handle these emotions? It just hurts to exist some days.

And does anyone else have weird reactions to things. My therapist forgot my appointment, and all I could hear was my dad saying "you'll never even be able to pay someone to care about you". Someone pats my shoulder, and I can feel his fingers grabbing my neck. The stench of cologne. The smell of coffee breath as he forces his mouth in you face. Lying on the floor after yoga and memories of being pinned down and the rug burn from his manipulations. I can't. Why are normal things so traumatizing?

What would it look like to disappear? What would it look like to give up? What if the pain would just end? If I'm truly unlovable, would anyone even notice my absence? I don't want him to touch me ever again. But yet there is no way out. I'm trapped and alone.

@BraveAdventurer

Yeah start a journal!!! It is a great story that can be a book one day!

Can anyone offer any encouragement? Weekend at home with my abuser? I need strength? Is there anyone out there????

I'm home. I hurt. I can't feel. The lies are echoing in my head.
But there was good too. Getting my car taken care of. Kayaking/paddle boarding. Watching wildlife. My mum braiding my hair.
How do you reconcile the good and the bad? How do you love the man who washed your car and launched your kayak while hating the man who yelled for your not agreeing, who told you were unlovable for changing your hair, and who got so angry because there was bird poop and tree sap on your car that he left your face stinging. I just can't figure it out.

The person I thought who cared......doesn't. I thought I'd found someone. But they were just being nice. Behaving how they thought they should. I was fighting for them. Because I thought I'd found someone somewhere who cares. But it's a farce. I am actually truly, completely unlovable. I'm done fighting. I was 22 days clean from
SH......but tonight I quit! Why even fight anymore?