Is it a trauma or not? To me, it kinda feels

Just remembered something. In high school some students started a rumor I was victim of domestic violence. I couldn't remember exactly why it started, but now I did. Mainly some classmates used to come behind us and touch us without us knowing for fun - you know, typical teenager fun! But when they did that to me once, I screamed loud and started shaking so bad and hyperventilating. Panic attack. Cried. It shocked them, because I had to grab my stuff and walk away to the bathroom. But not only that. One time I was in class, randomly talking to this girl and somehow family came in the mix. I started talking about how if one day I went to my neighbors house because my parents were late, and when they got home at 10 or so pm, I wasn't there. When I came, my dad was shouting over how I was irresponsible for not being home or cleaning my school bag, so he flipped my bag over open and threw it across the room, not caring if my phone hit the ground or my calculator broke. I was around 12 I think. She looked at me shocked "what?" "Oh that's nothing, all parents do that" I said "at least he didn't slap me" and then I laughed.

Days later, some classmtes were asking why I didn't sneak out to go to a party. "My dad would probably hit me if I did *laughs*" and some girls starred at me. And before I knew it, my best friend was telling me the first girl told everyone I was being victim of domestic abuse. I got pretty upset. I started yelling in school and shaking, who was she? Speaking bad about my family?! She didn't even know me! I didn't talk to her again, I hated her.

Then I remembered, how the day after that bag incident, I went to my neighbors house to help her. She was same age and her father was semi-abusive, plus alcoholic - and she had to look after her siblings, cook and clean. So usually I'd go in and help her clean or play with her siblings so she could do her homework before her mother came home. And she asked me if I did hear her parents shouting and them crying, and we laughed a bit about how "thin walls". Then she said "your dad screams too". "You heard?" She shook her head in yes. And we stayed in silence, doing the dishes. We both knew each other lifes, but we never spoke much. And truth be told, I always thought my life was easy and hers was hard. Even when she invited me once for a party, and when my parents got home I asked them - I had cleaned the apartment from up to down, so I could go. My dad screamed pretty loud, called me names, and I stood there in silence.

Don't get me wrong, I don't feel resent against my dad. Yes, I feel hurt but from all my previous posts I guess the trend is simple - I forgave him. I am still hurt by it, but for other reasons.

Now that I think about it. The times he shouted at me and went on rants, was as if my brain "shut down". I just stood there, words coming through me and didn't move. He'd yell at me if I'm listening and I'd just nod, but I was out of it. Feeling of dread. And after the storm went, I'd look around and assess damage. And get cleaning, in auto-pilot mode. I remember sometimes my eyes would even lose focus while he talked, and I'll just stay there seeing the image go blurry and unable to move my face as if I was a statue. Then I'd move, eyes back to working.

I know may seem like i am soooo stuck on it. Maybe I am. But it's just these pieces of memories and stuff come up, and I feel the need to write them down. i'm not sure if this is even a good idea. If fits here. I no longer read it up again, check if it's too long or not, and if yes start over or delete. I just write.. write.. and then post. Because yes this is how it felt, and somehow i'm reliving it. But I'm writing it for when I feel wasn't real or I made it up, so I can read and see this is how it really felt. And it's okay. Because it's over. And because it's over, doesn't mean never happened or doesn't matter.

Bad parents are a thing. But they aren't black and white, bad or good. I feel a good parent is the one that admits mistakes even if they screwed up pretty badly. A bad parent is the one that isn't willing to even say they did a bad thing and will fight it. To me, someone who does a bad deed, even if years later admits to such bad deed and says will change and DOES change, means a lot. Means they're a good person. Good people aren't only perfect people, that only do good things and never a bad thing. But someone who will be real and admit they did wrong and learn.

It's why it hurts me so much when I tell someone my story and they're so quick to say "your father is a TERRIBLE person" or "you need to leave your house" and when I tell them the fact I forgive them, then it's me that have feelings for an abuser or whatever. No. That was me as a child. Saying he was best dad ever when he wasn't. And then I went into full "you're the worst person ever" because people told me to. You know what, it' better now because I force myself out of black and white. At times yeah I get scared he'll do same reactions. I get pretty scared. I got scared of asking him to go out, and his reply was laughing and saying "you're a 23 year old, you can go out if you want to - you don't have to ask, you're not 16 anymore" and you know what: I CAN'T yet go out on my own at night, because of fear I'm doing something wrong. That and fear being alone in a crowd will make me have a breakdown and roam the roads with negative thoughts like last time. Two years ago.

Okay I'mma end this here, it's pretty long. Not sure if anyone is reading this anymore, or not but meh. I'mma grab a drink, watch a tv show and sleep. today was a hard day, numbness hit pretty hard most of day. Depression. I got stuff to do, but I guess tomorrow I'll deal with it. Even if it's a LOT. At least numbness is over. I hate that thing.

I hate me. I hate my life. I am unloveable. I am worthless. I am useless and ugly inside and out. They were right. They were always right. Why keep trying to pretend, "fake it till you make it" doesn't work if it's not true in the end.

I was studying, trying to end everything. I was listening to a Maria Mena playlist, since one song got recommended on youtube and I was pretty joyful and motivated. Then a couple songs came, little by little the lyrics popped in my head. I'd just write the lyrics down in a piece of paper, hoping I'd forget them.. but then another song, and another. I mean, was only 3 songs in matter of 1 or 2 hours, but enough to make me lose my focus. Thankfully was on the last exercise it all hit me. I didn't finish it, so it's uncomplete. But I mean all.

Memories of my family when I was a kid. The fact people have been talking about gifts, lately, doesn't help. Because it's tricky. My family gave me gifts, when I was a child, but they were "for show" or collection items I wasn't allowed to touch.

Memories of how my mother "eats". That's the thing people sometimes didn't saw, people used to say my mother was too thin and tell my dad was "starving her", when in fact he would cook dinner and she would only eat a couple pieces. That started many arguments, especially when I was 12 and using her as an excuse to not eat, or when my dad found her throwing food on trash. No, I don't think she has an eating disorder. But probably doesn't care for her health either. Nor mine. Considering she said some hurtful things to me when I gained weight due to medication and binge eating. But then bought me tons of food because "I looked so happy eating" (yes, crying and having anxiety attacks is happy..).

And memories of everyone that left me. I never forget. I remember anyone that has left. I wish I didn't, but I always do. I remember everything. I just got a tiny memory, it's a nice one though. When I was in 5th grade, one of my classmate's mother passed away. Of course our teacher asked us to draw a card for her, but when I got home and my mother said "one of your classmate's mother died, did you know" I felt hurt and almost disgusted at how gossip works. A few years later, the girls best friend stopped talking to her, this was after my class bullied me and her friend also did hurt me a whole lot - the girl never did, and believe me I remembered it. I even remembered when she congratulated me on my shoes, when everyone called me ugly and then bought similar shoes. So when I was with one of my friends I made after the bullying (only one, new student) I told her "do you see that girl there, sitting alone.. how about we invite her for lunch with us?". My friend was a bit confused why, but said "okay" and we all 3 wents for french fries plus spent almost an hour telling jokes. This is to me, the best example of what I mean by "I remember everything"

Yes, I remember everyone that leaves and hurts me. I remember every word, every hurt, every face. But I also remember the people that did those small things. Like a girl who came up to me when I was crying alone in back of school, and talked to me. Plus, when a school worked told me to file a report about my bullies, the girl went with me and helped me write it. Didn't work, but the fact she did.. meant a lot. Or when some students in my high school started making fun of me, and other girl who found out through my best friend I had been bullied, shut them up and invited me for lunch. I mean, I'm not going to say those things make me feel happy at all times.. not true. They're small things, don't compare to the hurtful things in terms of ammount or power on me. But I never forget those things or those people.

I don't like calling me "altruistic" or "generous", because I feel that's egocentric of me. But I hate seeing people treated unfairly. Sometimes I don't notice it, but when I notice doesn't matter if you're family or friend, I speak up. Sometimes not loudly, sometimes in a whipser (not want people to hate me), but it's impossible to not notice on my face. It's impossible, I'm transparent in that case.

Okay, I should go sleep. This was just bothering me so much I had to type it out. I mean, I don't know exactly what, but I felt like crying again and not a good cry but a desperate cry. I felt so overwhelmed, like someone was pulling a carpet under my feet and I going through it in slow motion. This is difficult season, that's all. I make zero sense again, I am rambling again but.. i don't know. Is this annoying?

Today was a good Christmas Eve. It's confusing to put those words in same sentence. I guess because I never felt I had a 'good christmas'. But I also don't feel I qualify for a bad christmas either. It's just that as a kid, handling drunk people and arguments, it's never nice. I guess of all, not having my mother home on christmas day is the easiest to get used to - she works on that day since I can remember, and it's not like she was much around either. So I know, when I wake up, it's going to be coffee and open up the 1 or 2 gifts under the tree. I know some people will say "only that" and some people will say "you should feel lucky" but I don't feel neither. I don't know, I hate receiving gifts just 'because' and without any thought. But I also feel hurt I don't have enough people on my life to give me memorable gifts, no friends, you know, hurts. I can't wait to open one of them though, my little cousin was always asking me to open it in front of her.. but here we open on December 25th so we wait! She was excited to see my face.

But basically I feel confused. This was probably first Christmas Eve in long time I was actually smiling towards night and not crying or feeling miserable, alone, hurt. I mean, yes sometimes was nice but not like now. I don't know. My memory is foggy at times. But was nice today. So nice that, while I'm writing this I am feeling I am missing something off the day.. that something must have gone bad and I'm ignoring it or confused.

I think I wrote an entry here days ago where I said I couldn't believe I called my 'situation' in middle school "sexual assault". I keep jumping from one to the other, if is sexual assault or sexual harrasment. The reason is I don't see anyone making a clear difference between the two - I've researched sooo much and usually find sexual assault = rape, and it wasn't rape. But was more than harrasment.

Days ago found a Kati Morton video (I love her, seriously her videos have helped me a lot) where she said a clear definition of it, so I'm going to write it here, just in case:

Sexual assault: is any unwanted sexual contact that stops short of rape or attempted rape

Sexual harassment: harassment in a workplace, or other professional or social situation, involving the making of unwanted sexual advances or obscene remarks

By this defintion, the more clear I've found, I was sexual assaulted nor harassed. It was shock when I first noticed it, and I ignored it for days (got busy with Holidays and then flu), but now remembered it and started to doubt myself. But it was. It's hard not to fully doubt myself, I didn't tell anyone when happened.. and why would I? It happened in middle of a classroom when teacher left, everyone watching and saw glimpses of the boys friends filming it too. I was trying to push them away, hit them, punch or kick them but couldn't. It was in a teather class, so was secluded from the other classes.. I just felt them, heard them, and when was over was when the teacher came in. I was shaking, so tried to push it aside. I only told one friend who didn't understand, and my current therapist. When I told my current therapist she asked me:

"Why are you telling me this now? What made you remember this?"

I can't say what or why. It just comes randomly. Can go months without thinking about it, or days with only thinking about it. If I go by a group of guys, I hug myself tight and keep my head down while walking fast through them. It's my instinct. The thought of being touched by a guy or kissed, it's scary. But why?? I don't know, I should only feel this way if was worse, if was way way worse. The truth is I had nightmares for years of them finding me to "finish the job".

I have thought.. if should write what happened, write it out. Maybe post here? I can't remember if I described it here or not, because I tend to write write write and then delete and not post. Has anyone found it helpful to write it out, when something happened that hurt you for years or like a decade? Jeez a decade. A joke between some kids with less than 2 brain cells cost me a decade of pain.

Sorry if this sounds messy, I just got a bit distracted during it.. my mind goes into panic mode when I write about that situation, as if I'm there again, and I have to get some stuff done (mainly dishes.. spent almost 2 days in bed due to flu and didn't help out in cleaning AT ALL so feel guilty and want to clean up something today, while my energy is up) okay bye. And if anyone is reading is: Happy New Year, in case I don't post any new entries

Random, but.. just remembered this. I always laughed as a kid, how my blood could kill my mom's second baby if I had a sibling ever since we studied blood types in school. But couple weeks ago, because of some conversation over some family member and her pregnancy, my mother told one of my cousins

"I didn't want a second child because the doctors said (my name)'s blood could seriously harm the baby maybe kill them! so better not"

I just starred at her and my count starred at me in shock "ohhh was it that blood thing?" referring to Rh disease which is when a mother who has Rh- blood has a baby with Rh+ blood and if doesn't receive a special vaccine, the next child if is Rh+ could have problems. But she had the vaccine. I blurted out like "don't say it like that"

"I'm just saying the truth, it's what happened, the doctor said it!" she started talking louder, this time my dad heard and told her to not say those things because looks bad, and that the doctors paid attention to it from the start because it's protocol.

How was I supposed to act? Happy?! Oh yas I'm the actual reason she didn't want more kids, because I could kill them how fun..? She technically said she didn't want any more kids because of me. And I gave her a chance to correct her words, but no. I tried to brush it off, I was at a family dinner, I didn't want to blurt out anything I regreted. So I got up, walked away and told my dad how much that hurt and avoided her because I was about to cry. On our drive home, my dad told her to stop saying those things because those who hear get confused. She didn't get how her words could mean was my fault, how if she had more kids I would be a baby killer. Suddenly, my middle school joke when people asked a fun fact, turned into.. hurt.

I always wanted a sibling. I always asked my parents why I had no siblings, my mother said some lame excuse like "you were planned and wanted, what more could you want?".

I don't know, maybe this shouldn't hurt me and probably wouldn't if she hadn't said it like that. I always mentioned that like a joke and sometimes taught people on what it was, because my dad explained it to me when I was learning blood types in school, and I love teaching people facts. But the way she said it that one time.. the way my cousin looked at me and my mom.. I don't know

Well I just remembered this, I have to go eat dinner but. Wow. I had forgotten about this, probably happened over a month ago, or more!

@givemecoffee

I can understand wanting a sibling as a child. When I was little I prayed every night for a younger brother. For some reading I thought a brother would be more fun.

Having a child is a large decision. Having a second child is an even larger decision. I had many complications with my daughter. Because of that Im on birth control. I do want to eventually have a second child. In the meantime however from my health I cant. The doctor told me that if I become pregnant too soon I will have the same life-threatening complications I had. The idea of having another child go through all this is awful. After a few years the risk will go down and I would like to have a child then.

this is one of those things that just cant be changed. It sounds like your mother says things with no filter.I can understand why it would be such a strange thing and rather humiliating to say in front of family. Not having a sibling probably feels like a loss to you. Im sorry for your loss. There are experiences Ive wanted and not had that definitely feel like losses.

i often type up Things without posting them. For some reason I just dont have the strength to post them.

I was telling my therapist about the sexual assault, it isn't something I talk about but it's been on my mind for long. I was trying really hard, but kept getting lost and not sure how to describe it.. So I was basically telling her what happened or trying my best when her phone rang. I don't know what was, but sometimes happens and she just picks it up to tell the person that can't talk and cancels. This time when she did, she stood in silence for a bit, then smiled and asked me about my studies if they were good.

I froze. I was shaking, crying and she.. ignored it. Right after I said how people always ignored my difficult situations that traumatized, right after we discussed how my childhood was hard and only now I'm coming to terms with it. I tried to talk and say "hey, I really wanted to talk about that thing" but my mind stopped working, my answers became short and was hard to process things. This is why I don't like opening up. This is why I don't like to speak.

Last time I mentioned it and actually only time I did, was over a year ago and her response was "why are you telling me this now, what brought it up?" which felt a bit judgy. Like I shouldn't feel hurt. I finally got ready to speak. Why why why me. Why me why me why me. Does it have to be rape to count? Do I have to literally be spanked into bruises and cuts for my childhood trauma to count? Do I have to have a trauma experience that is first page of newspapers or goes on TV daytime shows for pity to count?!

It's like each time I speak something comes and brings me down because "it wasn't that bad". I'm sorry I'm just way too shocked. Good thing I actually have an injured toe because that has been keeping my mind busy all day with bandaging and just laying down because of the pain. Or else I would've probably come home and cried over this, and now it's mostly forming into feeling slightly angry. At myself. For speaking.

I don't know if I will bring it up again. I don't think I'm worth bringing it up.

I wish I knew what this is and why it happens. I'll try my best to explain.. It's like my mind gets distracted from life but it's not normal distractions: It's not like I lose time listening to music, dancing or playing games. Usually it's either writing a poem, a text, venting here, deleting it and repeating, watching videos on mental health or psychology. It's not a distraction as if I just am procrastinating where I decide to go watch a movie even though I know I'm losing time I could use for something else. No. It's more like my mind takes over, I tell myself "okay, 5 minutes for this and then I go study" when it's 10 am. And next thing I notice is 1 pm and I don't know how time went by. This is seriously making studying hard..

I study at home, so it means I spend a lot of time at home like most days all day. I can't go study out because there's no options (no libraries or coffe shops I can go to), I wish because probably this wouldn't happen. In the worst case scenario, it makes me cry because I remember something and start talking to myself. Yes, talking to myself is a big deal of it. I tend to daydream a lot too, but this isn't like the daydreaming. It's like I have a mental compulsion to do something and if I do that I know I'll focus.. but then lose 2 or 3 hours. So go have lunch. When I come back, set my stuff to study and it happens again. It happened now, I'm trying to use my writing this here as a way to GET IT OUT and finally go study. Omg I have so much.

This has been happening on and off since I started studying at home, a year ago. And it's the main reason why I can only study at max 2 hours a day. I feel ashamed because I am getting behind, I have some months for the exams yet and my tutor is helping (she's amazing, honestly, she's doing all she can to help me) but it's hard when at times it prevents from studying. Today I was able to do some of the homework, but then went to do a poem because I want to do some typographic art and.. after it, well happened again. I don't know what to call them. But it's upsetting. It's like my brain can't focus on anything else. I can't even say WHY they happen because I can't exactly remember how and why it started, what I was thinking about or what made me write. I just look at the clock and realize 2 or more hours went by and I don't even remember it.

One day I remember looking at the clock thinking was 11 am and it was actually 3.30 pm. I couldn't even remember having lunch, I mean I could remember I made lunch and ate it, but it didn't feel was me. I used to think this was some sort of dissociation but it can't be. For me, dissociation is more of derealization, like when things seem like I'm in a dream and I should've woken up but didn't, or like someone suddenly woke me up from a dream and I don't remember where I am, but in a relax almost numb/serene style of emotion. This is different, way way way different. I can remember I am doing something, I remember I did that - but I can't remember how that all went by. How one 5 minute video turned into 3 hours or how one small poem turned into a complete breakdown.

And forcing myself to study is tough, when this happens. Like if I get an idea or a thought to "go do this" or "what if" (like with family attachments, when I first read about them I was constantly searching about it and having what if my attachment was secure what if was avoident what if what if that made me not even stay 5 minutes straight studying) and just write it out on a post it or random piece of paper, whatever I find. And put it away. Before studying I make myself coffee. I actually stopped having caffeine (I'm having decaf) to see if helps with a health thing I'm having.. and omg it makes no sense, my brain is like on 10 x it normal speed, I am typing like crazy ten thousand thoughts, it's like I'm going faster than I am. I felt this way when I was 10but like everything is going ten time more slower than should be, seeing thigns in slow motion

Okay maybe I should stop typing I see the test going. I need my coffee. My decaf coffee. My pre-study routine. Turn off laptop and put on music, but I want to draw and to draw I need my reference images but they're on my laptop. Okay need to switch onto tablet, and put music on my phone so I don't get distracted and focus. I only wasted 16 minutes writing this, it's good but my mind is still on woooooo mood where it's all over the place but not exactly on a sad/angry/hurt mood, more in.. i don't know. I'm just tired of this happening, I am tired of it making me forget to do things like clean my room, clean the kitchen, have a shower etc. Because it's ridiculous. I am distracted but this isn't being distracted. Okay I probably have like 10000 typos above me, but that's it. If anyone knows what it may me or if you had same experience, say something? Because honeslty I am starting to think I should have some control over it and I have zero (doesn't happen all the time but .. often)

I think I understood more about the 'experience' I was having. Maybe not, but who knows. It does sound like dissociation, but not my typical experience. My 'typical' is more of derealization, looking around, being a dream and not feeling (but in calm way not uncomfortable numb). Today it happened again, and for my luck I was able to notice it while 'still in it'. I actually triggered myself but not on purpose. I like Kati Morton videos (I know, news - it's not like I mentioned her name at least 10 times lol) and she had a new one on "Asexuality and Fear of Sex". Okay and me, being this person in need of answers, I clicked it quickly. Then after watching it, got a bit triggered because yes, not gonna lie, I have fear of sex. That video made me almost cry over how real was, and how her saying the most common reason and making sense to me.. okay felt understood.

Moving on, I then clicked on another one. And another one. I suddenly found myself watching a video from "Supernanny" where a father yells at his kid to do homework. Not a nice place to be in. Suddenly I looked around and was as if couldn't recognize if I was in my home, if was monday or saturday, 10 am or 5 pm. I began to talk to myself, it's something I do a lot, try and explain to myself what is happening. I couldn't process words, I just kept repeating the same expression, I don't remember which one but as if I was repeating "I think that.. I think.. I think that.."

It's hard to say exactly what I felt like, what I experienced. Maybe someone will read this and think "no, it's not dissociation" - well maybe isn't, but it's how it feels to me. And even if isn't, it's the closest descrption I found. Moving on.

With that being said, I think I found what helps. This will sound weird but what got me off that stage was music. More specifically, Christina Aguilera's "Ain't Another Men". Yes. weird. It's not first time music does this, one time I only got out of derealization in the bus when I listened to N'Sync.. and it was scary, because I just 'woke up' and couldn't even remember getting on the bus or where I was going. Music I used to listen as a child, helps.. but positive music. Like the fun one. If I listen to Backstreet Boys "Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely" or "When you Believe" by Whitney Housten and Mariah Carey, I'll only make more damage. Those are two of the most saddest songs in my childhood.

So I think I'll see if I make like a "emergency" playlist. Maybe include some Disney songs, since I love them and they also help. I wish my favorite songs right now would work, but apparently Papa Roach has a different effect on my mind when is in that state lol It just doesn't work, my mind can't process it. It's as if when I'm going through it, my mind needs children-related stuff and any things I like now are just way too hard to process. I don't know.

Music is really the one thing that has helped me express myself more. Sometimes I just feel like printing out lyrics of the songs I feel have more meaning to me, and giving them to my therapist. If I could do that or if I did that, the album "Crooked Teeth" by Papa Roach would make an appearance.

Well that's it. Gotta get back to studying. Can't believe I was able to clean the kitchen because of a song. But if wasn't for that song coming on VH1 at the right time and changing to that channel on tv at the right time.. probably would've gotten stuck in that state for another hour.

(I made bold key things I want to remember, in case I scroll down this thread.. I need to make that playlist in both my phone and music player. That and another one, of songs I find relatable when I struggle. I keep a little list of those, of the non-triggering relatable songs, on my bullet journal)