Diary *Possible TW*
I thought about starting a diary place to share and reflect on my feelings. I am trying to navigate through schizophrenia and ptsd and trying to not let it define me. I hope writing about it is productive for me. Any replies are welcome!!
Sometimes I see things like I see them in like the colors. And everything I see has outlines. Why do they've outlines? Because otherwise all the colors will leak every where. And I don't know what will happen then. I don't want my face colors to fall on the floor and also my shirt colors to fall on the floor. I don't want anyone's colors to fall on the floor. I don't know how it'll be like without it? We need the outlines!!!!! I don't think my doctor had outlines? I saw her but I'm still not very sure. I was thinking entire time to ask her to be sure. But then I felt like maybe I shouldn't ask because it can be a personal question. How do people live without it!!!! I think back and I see alot is insects. But like I took a shower today and I also dried my hair. I don't know why the doctor didn't have an outline. I was thinking that it happens sometimes. Everything is happening so fast my brain feels very wobbly. I just don't understand what to do first or what to think. I think we will be going to the lawyer again. I want the group home facility to disappear!!!!! They hurt me no one understood how bad each day was. I did nothing. Nothing at all. But we don't want people without outlines anymore!!!
It has been very weird feeling today and some confusion. I've been feeling like. But no I think. I feel really tired and laid on my bed to rest. I must've had a seizure episode or something because I couldn't move my body at all. All of a sudden and I couldn't move my body or my arms or legs. It's like my mind was aware but my body not responding. I feel so scared. I used to get stuck in still positions like this in the group home. I thought my catatonia symptoms were lessening now but it happened again and I couldn't move at all. I'm not sure how long I stayed there still because I couldn't see the time but it felt very long. I wanted to say something but no voice coming out of my mouth. My mouth wasn't moving and I was trying. I felt like going to the bathroom after a while. Ever since I've a baby along the time, I feel like using the bathroom so many times in a day. I tried getting up to go to the bathroom but I couldn't move my body. It's very humiliating. It was like one moment my mind was so blank and I don't know where I was. And one moment I knew where I was and trying to move my body. It hurt being so still in uncomfortable position. My dad came back from work and he passed my room and said hi and went away. I don't think he noticed that I was stuck in my position and couldn't speak. I'm not sure how much time passed. I feel really scared. Only like when it my dad was calling me to come for dinner and I couldn't move at all or speak. He was saying something with dinner but I can't remember. My dad was in my room to check. He was speaking to me but now I don't really remember what he was saying. My dad started doing something to my shoulders and it made me move my body again. It feels very humiliating and scary. I want these symptoms to go away. I feel like a burden. I think I was also really sweaty from laying there so still for so long and I might have puked. I'm not very sure. It's very humiliating. I don't want to be like this. I had some food in my room with my dad. He kept saying we should go to the hospital because I was stuck still for so long but I don't want to go outside of my room again. I feel really scared and there are just too many people and too much noise and colors. It's very overwhelming. And I feel the safest with my dad. I think we are going to have another session of family therapy with my dad's therapist. Because my mom shouting so much and going to my dad's room when he was sleeping there. Family therapy but without my mom in it because me and my dad asked my mom months back if she wants to do family therapy with us and my mom said no she is really busy. This is like our third family therapy session. But I don't like it at all because my dad's therapist is a male. I feel so scared of him and don't want to be near him. But I've not managed to tell my dad this. I don't want to be stuck in still positions again. I feel like my mind's gone. I thought my catatonia symptoms were reducing!!!!!
I feel really full like all the time. I feel like my body is filled with really hard rocks up to my mouth. I even feel fullness and rocks in my throat. It feels too much and moving around feels hard because of my body changing. I feel like throwing up all the rocks and always feel like puking
I'm in my room and I sometimes hear my dad crying in his room. I thought it was just voices in my head but I've been seeing him cry. He was talking to me that he is upset about my mom coming to his room when he had very clearly told my mom that she can ONLY sleep in the guest room on the bed and not in any other room in our home, when my mom visits and stays the night. And he is upset because of all the constant arguments between him and mom. I don't know what to do. I tried telling my dad that it'll be ok. I'm not sure what else to say. I want to say more. But it starts becoming hard to say. I don't like my dad being upset. I don't like my mom being upset as well. But how do I stop it. I don't want my dad to cry. He cries so much sometimes. He told me today that he feels like he has alot of responsibilities at home, with my mom and his work and he feels tired because of it all. And last night I heard him screaming so I went to his room to check and I think he was having a panic attack. Because I have panic attacks all the time. So I think that's what it was. My dad said it was just a bad dream and I should go back to my room. But I know he is upset. I am really trying to fix everything
@hillsideblues Hey you ❤️ me again :)
Maybe her being in his room that time triggered something for him? She's abusive to you - I would guess she was abusive to him too?
Somethings we can't fix - as much as we would like to. We can just offer support and at times when we don't have the words or know the right things to say - we offer silent support. Maybe at times when he's upset you could offer him a hug and remind him how much you care and love him?
*hugs to you Hill* ❤️
@mytwistedsoul I think maybe because it's circular like a round. I think because of not the floor
@hillsideblues Hey you :) do you mean it goes around and around with your parents? With her trying to get into his bed and they fight? I'm sorry I'm not sure I fully understand ❤️
@mytwistedsoul I'm sorry. You're so kind and gentle ❤️ I think sometimes I get confused and mix things up and they don't make sense. It feels embarrassing sometimes to read my old diary entries when I was probably going to psychosis episodes and writing in psychosis. I've been seeing alot of round objects that aren't there. My parents never went well together. They have so many arguments whenever my mom visits. I try to be there for my dad whenever he tells me that he isn't feeling well
@hillsideblues Nothing for you to be sorry for Hill and its ok if things get mixed up and it doesn't matter if it makes sense ok? ❤️ I can allways ask you about it but you never have to answer if it makes you uncomfortable ok? Sometimes things get messy in my head and I say things I don't want to or things I don't mean. Same with reading some of the things I've written. It makes me cringe sometimes to read some of the things I've written
The things you sometimes see - they change shape don't they? Do you have an idea what makes them change shape? Does stress make things worse for you? I'm sorry if my questions are rude or anything. I don't mean them to be
I'm sorry to hear they argue ever time she visits. That would cause some anxiety for you I bet :( Do you have coping methods for times like that? I bet you try really hard to be there for your dad too. You're allways so nice and kind. I bet your dad appreciates you being there for him too
* offers safe hugs No pressure though ok? ❤️
@mytwistedsoul You're so kind ❤️ do see alot of round things and everything starts looking really round every time. It's like all everything the bed chair floor tanked doors, they start changing their shapes. I hope my dad feels better. Anxiety or stress does cause everything to get bad. I feel like there is a relation between feeling anxious and hallucinating more. And right now my mom causes alot of stress for me. I try to draw to help with stress and like just try to not think too much about what she says and does. I really appreciate you alot and so much. You're always so kind and I really want everything good to be with you for life. Huge for you if that's ok ❤️
@hillsideblues Thank you for the hugs and I'm sending some hugs to you too ❤️ ❤️
There is a big relation between stress and hallucinations. I know stress makes things worse for me too. I did some reading and they say you need to be really careful and monitor and manage stress. Which I'm sure you know that allready. I'm really glad you try to draw to help the stress. Do you like to color too? We have alot of coloring books. Have you ever tried Origami? That's something we started doing here. Its calming. And definitely try not to think about the things she says and does because she just not a nice person and you need and deserve good kind people in your life
I'm so grateful to you Hill. There's so much I admire you for. Your strength and resilience and your kind and gentle ways. You're so kind to everyone. You truly are a wonderful amazing person ❤️
I get thoughts all of a sudden that my baby also has a chip inside their brain and their thoughts will be controlled. I don't want my baby to feel scared all of the time like me because of this and careful of what they think. I wouldn't want anyone to have a chip inside their brain. And I would never want any babies to have the chip. It can be so dangerous!!! I talked to my doctor about this and she said that they can see the baby through scans and the baby doesn't have any chip. And if they had a chip, my doctor would've seen it. So that means they don't have any chip. But how do I believe that when it comes to my baby?? How can I even be sure my doctor isn't just lying to me to make fall in a trap by the signals? She said when I'll go to the group home, there will be no signals there. But there were signals there as well! She has already lied to me then. The group home medical staff were not helpful. How can I trust any medical staff specially when it comes to my baby. I don't want anything to happen to them
I don't want anyone to have chips. Please I don't know why it can't be stopped. The thoughts keeps on coming to my mind and I don't think they're mines. It's someone else's putting thoughts in my mind all the time through signals. I don't feel like myself. My dad always worked for very long almost the whole day even when I was a kid and now sometimes he has stopped coming home when my mom comes to our home. My parents had so many big arguments about it. My dad doesn't want my mom to stay overnight at our home anymore. She can visit only in mornings and afternoons. But my mom wants to stay overnight as well and spend weeks at our home. I think maybe she is having a problem with her house rent. My dad just stopped saying anything to my mom now and he just doesn't come back to our home anymore now when my mom is here with us. It stopped the arguments but it makes me really worry. I don't want a chip inside my baby's brain. I don't want it!! My mom said if I call my dad so much and don't listen to her, then it'll make my baby get a chip inside their brain. I don't want that and I can't take any chances and risks when it comes to my baby! I don't want the chip!! My mom came yesterday to our home and she rang the doorbell. I heard it and I think it made me blank out because I felt really confused that what should I do if I'm hearing the doorbell. My mom apparently had to stand outside for like half an hour ringing the doorbell and she then she texted me to open the door. I just felt very confused because I think I just forgot whst hearing a doorbell means. My mom was very angry. And said that she wishes my baby has a chip because I disrespected her. I didn't mean to. How can she wish something like that! I would never wish for anyone to get the very dangerous chip inside their mind!!!!!
@hillsideblues I'm sorry. I don't want to make things worse for you. I don't want to cause any problems for you. I know we only know each other online Hill but I give you my word I have no reason to lie to you ok? She is lying to you. She is fueling thoughts she shouldn't be. She is using the schizophrenia as a tool to control you. She is using your fears to get away with things She knows aren't right. She probably doesn't want you to call your dad because you might tell him she's not doing good things. Have you told him the things she says? Would you think about telling him Please? I don't think she's safe for you. I wish - I wish he would tell her to stay away from you and the house
I know it's hard to trust the doctor with the way things turned out at the group home. When they do a sonogram of the baby do they show you? Maybe that would help for you to see that there's no chip inside your little one?
I'm sorry Hill. I'm so sorry if I'm causing problems for you by writing these things. I just couldn't let her lies stand and not say something
@mytwistedsoul You're very kind. I appreciate your words alot. You really are one of the kindest person in the world universe in my eyes. If that's ok to say. I think maybe I'll tell my dad the hurtful things my mom says. My dad doesn't know because he is at work or just leaves whenever my mom comes. I didn't want to tell him because he is already always so stressed. But maybe I will. My doctor does show me the scans and picture of the baby in it. I took the scans to my psychiatrist doctor even to tell her about my fears when I had to go for an appointment with her. She said if there was a chip we could see it in the scans. I look at all the scans printouts every day but I can't be sure if I trust her because I don't want to take any risks when it comes to my baby. If it was just me, then it's ok I can live with risks. But I can't have my baby living with any bad risks. It can be very dangerous. But I hope it'll be ok. I think maybe my obgyn team is changing and they're moving to high risk team because my psychiatrist doctor was saying. My obgyn team doesn't want to change any meds that my psychiatrist is prescribing. But it'll be ok. I hope you're ok
@hillsideblues Hey you :) ❤️ Thank you for saying that Tbh - I don't feel like I am but I really appreciate you saying it ❤️
You try to protect your dad from alot of things don't you? It's a good feeling isn't it being able to protect someone. I think in this case though - well I really hope you do tell him because you need to think of your stress too. Not just for you but also for the baby. The things she's saying are abusive. She does it knowing it adds to the thoughts and fears you allready have. Telling him might be a way to protect all of you. Him - you and the baby
That was a really good idea taking the scans to show the psychiatrist! I think you're doing a wonderful job protecting the baby too and I totally understand not wanting to take any risks with them
It makes sense that they don't want to make any changes with your meds. High risk - I hope everything is ok
I'm proud of you - for how well you're handling things and how good your taking care of you and the baby and your dad
Hugs to you all ❤️❤️
@mytwistedsoul Thank you. I appreciate you so much. So much more than I even have words to say ❤️
It's high risk because of me. Because I experience hallucinations and confusing thoughts. And very strong impulses to do what the voices say me to do. Catatonia episodes makes my whole body ache. But I've managed so far and I hope
Big hug to you if that's ok ❤️
@hillsideblues Hey you :) ❤️
You're right - you have managed and I think you're doing great with everything. The hallucinations must be hard to deal with. The impulses and confusing thoughts are bad enough. I hope you know that none of this is your fault. You didn't ask for any of this. I wish you didn't have them. I wish you didn't have to deal with any of the things you do ❤️
They want to make sure you're both safe. That's a good thing I think. You're getting rest? Making sure you eat? Have you been drawing? I have to see about making those origami butterflies yet. They sound fun 😊
Is the catatonia any better or worse or the same? It must be so frustrating for you 😞
Thank you for the big hug I needed it ❤️😊❤️ Big hugs back to you!
@hillsideblues I think it's snowing outside but I'm not sure because I think I'm hallucinating a few things. I made it snow outside because I learned something by the shadow people that I shouldn't have and now nothing will work together but will join together because it is joining one by one. And the voice keeps repeating something over and over and over and its not even stopping. Because it's coming from under the couch and I should check under the couch because I want the voice to stop repeating again and again but it hurts to bend over so I can't check under the couch but maybe the bugs can check it for me if I concentrated hard enough from the bugs inside the kitchen cabinet that I left open because bugs there inside those cabinets and I'm not sure if they can go out in snow and how are they alive in the snow. I want the voice to stop from the couch but I'm also very curious and want to get to the bottom of it and if my doctor is really poisoning me all this time and I don't trust her and I keep taking the poisons the doctors have been giving me and now that's going to cause a chip to grow inside my baby's brain and my mom willed it to happen all along this. But I want everyone to be safe and no one should go out without being careful and if possible everyone has to lock their doors and remain inside because you never know what can be outside and if you mom can say hurtful things as well and you never know what can be in the snow and everyone has to keep very safe I can't stress this enough
@hillsideblues Hey you :) its so nice for you to worry about everyone's safety - we're all safe ok? I agree with @ NoneTheWiser too what she said about her not having any power to will anything bad to the baby. Shes just trying to scare you so she can do whatever she wants
Be gentle with yourself Hill ❤️ try not to believe the things she says because they're absolutely not true. Your dad could tell you she's lying too - could you ask him?
@mytwistedsoul ❤❤ My dad got to know because we had a big argument and my mom slapped me and I wasn't feeling very well after that. But I don't think she'll be visiting again for a while. Hugs for you if that's ok 🌟
@hillsideblues *big hugs to You* Oh Hill 😞 I'm so sorry she slapped you. She had no right to do that. You didn't deserve that. I'm glad your dad knows now. I just wish you wouldn't have been slapped for him to know. I hope she never bothers you again. Are you ok? Would you maybe do something nice for yourself?
*sends more hugs* ❤️
@mytwistedsoul ❤ I think I will eat some rice and drink chocolate milk because it feels less scary to eat now since my mom won't visit anymore. Thank you for all the hugs ❤❤
@hillsideblues Hey Hill :) me again
I hope it's ok to leave this here - if its not I understand ok ❤️
Merry Christmas Hill * big hugs to you* ❤️
@mytwistedsoul I thought maybe you'll like this because it looks very cute
@hillsideblues Omgosh Hill ❤️ I love it! Thank you 😊 this is so sweet!
I bought a few baby clothes for the baby because the baby will be coming soon. I got a yellow pj and shirt that has brown teddy bears on it and also a red and pink one. And one is blue and white with baby sharks on it. I also bought socks and small blanket because it gets cold sometimes specially at the night time. I hope that my baby is healthy because I've been having some trouble. And also urges to check if the baby has a chip inside them. But I don't listen to that and I listen to music and there is a video of a piano tune I listen to. I think my cheek injury is healing. I thought it would never heal because it felt like my face was burning when my mom slapped me and I cut my cheek because I felt really bad and it was burning! I think if they voices hadn't told me to take out the stitches than maybe it would've healed sooner. I'm putting a cream gel and it helps and makes it feel like it's not burning
@hillsideblues The baby clothes you got sound so cute and nice. I hope that when the time comes everything goes well for you both. I'm sorry to hear you've been having toubles though - I hope it's nothing too serious ❤️ Oh Hill your poor cheek - I'm glad the cream helps
Make sure you try and rest ok? Eat your fruits and veggies and just try to take really good gentle care of yourself ok? Sending you safe gentle hugs and lots of love ❤️
@mytwistedsoul Thank you. You are always so kind and very sweet ❤️❤️❤️
@hillsideblues I think you're very kind and sweet too ❤️ You've been in my thoughts so I thought I'd pop in and leave a couple of hugs for you 😊 I hope you're resting and taking good care of you ❤️
@mytwistedsoul I'm ok. I feel tired most time but my doctor said that is normal and I should eat more because my blood pressure was low. It does feel less scary to come out of my room because my mom isn't here and less guilty when eating. I think my dad has just gotten inside himself because he doesn't speak much and isn't home much anymore. The baby should be here in a few weeks and really want to hold them. How are you? I hope you've been ok ❤️
I need to make sure that my mom doesn't come in the room and I need to tell my doctor and nurse to not let her come in if she comes. I don't think my mom knows because I've not seen her since. And she hasn't come since. She has only texted me a few times but I've not replied. She says that my dad is manipulating me and he wants me to hate her. But I know this is a lie. Because my mom always hated me and have said so herself alot of times ever since I was a kid. So I know she is the one who hates me. Because she always said it. And then there were some bugs or creatures I can say? Really small ones. Yellow or orange or maybe pink. It's hard to see slot of colors in sunlight because everything looks yellow. And I don't want my mom to come in. Tell my doctor that. Also maybe my other psychiatric doctor who I don't think she knows. Maybe she sees yellow too in sunlight? I've not asked her this. I don't think my mom knows so she can't come. But even if she somehow finds out, she till won't be able to come and I don't want my baby to be near her when the baby comes and her bad wishes about my baby having a chip and all the curses. The only cure is sunlight. I will tell my doctor. Also no male nurses. I'll tell my doctor this too when I see her tomorrow. I forgot before. Only a few more days and I can't wait and have also picked a few baby names. I drank banana and mango milk shake with a chocolate bread. It was really nice
@hillsideblues I'll also ask my doctor to check and make sure that if the baby has any chip inside their brain when I've the baby. Because I just want to be 100% sure that my mom's wishes don't come true and then I can be sure if my doctor just checks to make sure there is no chip inside the baby. Then we can be free of bad wishes. I also wrote it down on my paper to ask my doctor