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How to feel safe and genuine about other people?

ScaredLongNeckedFrend October 19th, 2022

I mean anyone I care about especially, or really anyone at all. I feel like I'm really not allowed to talk to them or to feel ok about them on an emotional level and it's kind of driving me insane. Like I haven't been given permission to feel ok about them and to feel/connect etc. I still feel like an emotional part and a friend, and I want to be there, but I've this really intense feeling making me feel I'm not allowed, can't and should stay away, and it stops me from reflecting as much as I'd want. I was past this for maybe 2 years now and forgot how bad it felt. My chest feels some sort of intense pain about it constantly.

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Optimisticempath October 20th, 2022

@ScaredLongNeckedFrend I can relate with how we sometimes restrain ourselves from connecting specially connecting emotionally with someone , for me it's a fear of getting hurt and ah getting abandoned when I am vulnerable :') yeah not fun haha

What is the underlying fear for you that prevents you from reaching out to people or connecting with them? If any

we can try to work on the root problems so the effect is minimized too, I try that also šŸ˜…

I am here for you if you wanna talk anytime šŸ’•

1 reply
ScaredLongNeckedFrend OP October 20th, 2022

@Optimisticempath Well the mindspaces and mechanisms became a bit more developed and generalized towards humans some years ago, it feels like no one is safe for a vulnerable part of me and I have to protect them and soothe them. My brain couldn't take more wrong and hurtful judgments and I would dissociate really fast on those, but I needed to function and be witty, so I've parts for that. Something just took a toll during my development and layer by layer this shifted into really intense reactions and feelings. I've only had confirmations to make it worse and more intense until maybe mid 2017, but the core is still there. My attempt at just cutting off triggers and not ruminating about it for 4-ish years has made the reaction less severe, but I needed to delve into it again once it'd calm down tbh.

I already had a lot of trouble with intimacy/vulnerability for a few things growing up, so some of the phobia of talking etc. was rooted in that and I kind of made it an extreme extreme lot worse few years ago. So that sort of comes up as an instance of 'eventual disconnect' and a (wrong/not allowed surface feeling) before abandonment, rejection, hurt, etc. Though yeah those feelings might be at the root of it.

And this whole thing was gone for the last 1-2 years, but it's just there again and it's been so painful since I built connections. I can't explain the alienation feeling I get in my chest. Might have to address how those things felt during adolescence slowly with someone safe.

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ScaredLongNeckedFrend OP October 26th, 2022

@ScaredLongNeckedFrend bump, sorry

ScaredLongNeckedFrend OP October 26th, 2022

@ScaredLongNeckedFrend didn't reread what I wrote but bump since same difference

mytwistedsoul October 27th, 2022

@ScaredLongNeckedFrend I'm sorry I might be reading all this wrong. My comprehension comes and go depending on a number of things. But in some ways it sounds really familiar. I'm going to admit that talking about this stuff spikes the anxiety on my end because alot of things are still pretty new to me

You can get so close to people but only so close? You get this feeling to back away? Like the closeness is a threat? And it feels as though you're not allowed to feel certain things? You mention parts. Do you have DID/ OSDD? If you don't mind my asking of course


3 replies
ScaredLongNeckedFrend OP November 2nd, 2022

@mytwistedsoul Iā€™ve not consulted anyone, so no to the last one, but yes to the other questions. Iā€™m not sure when itā€™s a threat thing or a ā€˜not allowedā€™ thing. Sorry for the delay and for avoiding this, Iā€™ve not delved into it for awhile and people have been really intrusive and odd lately online.


For parts, Iā€™m not sure how to think of it myself and I need to try thinking about it, so Iā€™ll write a bit more than needed sorry.

Theyā€™ve been less and less defined and itā€™s been a very inconsistent mess since march 2018, but it seems very clear in some circumstance. I tried to obsessively stop overanalyzing the whole thing and to leave a lot of it spontaneous around 2018-2020, mainly so that triggers wouldnā€™t be as bad in the long run.

Iā€™m assuming itā€™s not even OSDD at this point, but it seemed like osdd-1b from descriptions. The only clear amnesia Iā€™ve had I think has been for shorter regressive/vulnerable episodes during really difficult periods, and that can be recollected with one type of high stress if some sort of distress baseline is kept with the core of the situation being in mind.


For rules and not being allowed, Iā€™ve compartmentalized a lot of things and both knowledge and actions can or cannot be ā€˜okā€™ or accessed for some. The mindspace or however will just have a capacity to follow a specific ā€˜typeā€™ of instinctive things related to it ā€” itā€™s just conditioning work once a sense of distress/trauma and its own little web is formed, and functions like that go through a more general slave part. One guides, one soothes/supervises, one punishes ā€” whether itā€™s delusion or not, itā€™s very spontaneous and complete in some settings. 75% of it just became mush and really *** unstable/wacky since events in summer 2017 to march 2018, so I feel pulled apart especially if some core subjects/events are brought up. A lot is for control/safety in a sense.


I still refer to those things as parts and it feels more stable once Iā€™m in stress and they feel separate/defined them. Also one wanted to come out and exist, and finally I had a sign that it wasnā€™t just me in 2017, so I still want to give them that. Iā€™ll keep calling them that, since theyā€™ve their own progression and their own independent internal life.

2 replies
ScaredLongNeckedFrend OP November 2nd, 2022

@ScaredLongNeckedFrend @mytwistedsoul The problem in this case is that I've tried to make vulnerable parts and such become social and integrate the world in a way they weren't conditioned to and I feel stuck in cages from other parts, from judgments/people and from themselves.

And then there's just simple sheltered, anxious and maladaptive reasons. But the vulnerable parts or self can grow out of it.

mytwistedsoul November 5th, 2022

@ScaredLongNeckedFrend Hey :) It's ok - there's never any pressure to reply or any time limit to when you do. I can understand shying away from things and wanting to avoid them all together


Some people can be pretty intrusive. I know I can ask alot of questions sometimes - I ask them only to understand better and you never need to answer anything that feels uncomfortable :)

With the being less defined - fragments come to mind. They're not as distinct or developed. I've included a link - https://did-research.org/did/alters/functions- to a really great site that's been alot of help to me in trying to figure out things. Maybe you've seen it all ready. There's a few good posts here on Cups too

I'm finding that for myself anyway - that somethings can't be forced. Just like with anyone in the outside world the more you try to force something the more rebellious they can become and it does cause problems. Many parts are still scared and just want to be heard and believed

There's a chance that none of this is helpful to you - I'm sorry if it isn't. I'm still trying to figure alot of this out myself. And its really hard to find a therapist whose work focuses on DID. I consider myself lucky to have found one that at least acknowledges and accepts it. But he's met enough of the others that he has no doubt

I just want you to know I don't and won't judge you for anything you say here

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Summershy November 1st, 2022

I am scared to meet new people too because so many of them just arenā€™t very nice anymore. The older I get, I find that people are quick to judge. I am often scared to go into Public hear people openly call me ā€œUgly.ā€


I also have to remind myself that I am not always the focal point of a conversation. However, I do run into lots of people who will be nice to your face. Then you see them turn around and then start making fun of you. I know they are not out to get me, rather, they are just arenā€™t sincere.


For example, I attempted to pay a compliment to a random stranger because I liked her outfit and shoes. Though she said ā€œThank youā€ she turned around and started complaining to another person with her. ā€œI donā€™t like her.ā€


Other people scare me