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ScaredLongNeckedFrend
606 M Embraced 5
PathStep 28 Compassion hearts66 Forum posts59 Forum upvotes62 Current upvotes62 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2023 Member sinceJanuary 30, 2022
Bio

Hey I've been in a bit of an insane set of predicaments and some of them have been worked on partially. There's lots of problems I've developed with or by, or that have accumulated in phases of sorts, which I might not all share obviously. I'd ask for any insight for support if it's somehow possible.

My functions and needs are sort of kept separate and I sort of act as multiple to take care of more sensitive parts or of irl situations separately. I had to hide things since young and sets of new problematics made that very absolute and obsessive. Alienation and isolation have been a very traumatic type of issue in general. I spent half a decade trying to condition myself with instances of months of torturous routines to create triggers of sorts so I'd act as needed in some situations, and escalate stress 24/7. I spent too much time/years hypervigilant and parts of me wanted out after awhile. I can still stay up for days if a situation feels like it needs it (even loosely, or semi-randomly), though my body takes it less and less ok.

Some very heavy internal distrust started in 2018 for varieties of genuinely very complicated problems and self harm/sabotage, but it has made a part of me want to start making essential changes in myself so that I'll one day disclose personal information to someone safe and find support outwards. I've spent 4 years only caring about this and the growth was absurd; I'm still far from being able to open up or talk about anything that feels 'personal', though. I want the hurt scared part to feel genuinely heard by someone safe and understood by another human being before letting it have a cute suicide event. Side note, I age regress involuntarily in some situations if space allows it, but switches/stress escalation are more intense or of longer duration if someone starts harming or scaring that part.

I don't want to go too much into old ideas of my place in the world, and how that's still ingrained in my mind, but I wasn't supposed to have anyone in my life at this age per old conception and my self worth was just generally very horrible. The 2018 crisis made me terrified of having anything to do with my regulation, management, care, analysis/understanding, sympathy/pampering, guidance, punishments/conditioning, or any responsible roles of the sort. It's been extremely difficult to do a lot of tasks while not feeling allowed to, or confused. Some of those mindspaces or parts still came out in spurts when stressed obviously, but it's complicated. I felt and acted as an unguided impersonal front or a hidden personal childish part, at least mainly, until (very partially) mid 2020.

So my mind switched in march 2018 and I untangled partly via consciously deluding myself about ideas that professionals could replace everything I was for me, and that they were beyond my conceptions of perfect and what not. Even if they were, this process would be beyond difficult as I still am. And I knew that it'd be difficult to get out of that, but it allowed more mother-bear-ey parts and intense selfish ones just to stop a bit and loosen their hold and hogging of the space. It helped this first steps of breaking the hold that the more intense parts had, and eventually even loosened them after semi intense triggers where I actually would need them to function and be healthier.

I've mostly stopped hurting myself or doing conditioning routines since the 2018 incidents; self sabotaging is still a thing and I cope poorly or in excesses with a lot. I wrote in 2 inch x 2 inch letters 'try again, I love you, you are strong' on my thighs for maybe 6-7h last summer, and it helped process those events slightly after the few years. But I have never been more confused since then, and my sense of self is so confusing a lot of the time.

I get so dissociated so often for old stuff or old fears/such. If I lack stress, I don't feel internal cohesion and am not functional as a whole. My body cannot handle stress anymore like it used to.

I need to assure that a visit to a professional would be safe in a variety of ways for more sensitive parts to open up and for triggers to be less absolute and intense in being protective and self reliance-oriented. It is genuinely very complicated, but that's probably not all a problem as it is, since they might help some of this process themselves. I am still terrified of adult-ey people or clinical settings. I am very close to phobic and cannot disclose personal information, as if someone else was keeping me hostage. Even if silly. I can hint at things, but I really need attentive help for this. I'm still close to panic at their sight in clinical settings - I have doctors as students in my classes, so that's different. I have planned to read back 100's of hours of stuff so I remember the surface of things and how much I want to share, or what could escalate my stress too sharply and make me completely distrust anyone forever. I just need to see what's out-limits for the first few years of consulting the right professional.

I need help talking about trauma specialists and some insight on how to tackle this search, or how opening up works in clinical settings. I've tried to have talks about this a few times and Idk why it's not feeling simple still.

As for bonds, this is quite a blur now. It settled in a complicated and indirect way, and I can't accept or feel them. It's so difficult for me. The deepest extent they'd go otherwise is impersonal coping friendships, without any intimacy or sharing personal information, just attentive care. I'd stay weeks at friends and we took care of each other, but wouldn't share stuff about trauma, home or anything - which is normal, but that'll be difficult to move past for me. I used to force the limited/distant dynamic quite a lot to keep it that way, and won't be able to not do it once the first parts are resolved. I have left these very deep friendships and old cities abruptly in the most horrible way, while thinking I couldn't have anyone in my life, or while thinking I wasn't well enough to allow them. I am extremely motherly and caring for people I care about, and cannot process this atrocity of sorts, and especially how I still don't know if I'd act any different now. I need guidance for some contexts surrounding this once I can open up further. It is regardless complex from a few angles, and the type of limited bonding I'll need with a professional is very child-like in nature. As for relationships, I've never really considered the idea and it would be impossible or confusing for lots of reasons to consider. Also I'm 2nd generation of single parents and most people in my family have not been in relationships - still this is not a main reason.

I have joined a wholesome small community online and they've felt like family or friends at this point since awhile, but it's too much sometimes and very difficult in a sense to navigate sentimentally.

I cannot and am against overanalyzing like before, and I cannot do back-and-forths for processing anymore, so complex issues are at standstills. I need help for this. I have let some traumas in hidden corners and have changed city and avoided people, just so I might slowly calm parts of my stress responses; it'll be a mess to delve back into.

I had my first breakthroughs in a more sexual sense last year masturbation and such-wise. I couldn't even do those things without panic a lot of the time for very long. Everything feels like intense panic, confusion and fear in those corners, even the sight of genitals or any sort of personal libido, which gets very complicated libido-wise and such. I had to really over analyze those things for so many years to understand the deeper functionings of it, but it's beyond simple manners of control on my end. I need help. I have no desire for any irl contact and will probably never want anything to do with it in any form. I'm agender and want nullification or ssri's/etc., too. By extension, I will no matter what find a country that does penectomies/castrations under the table within the next 10 years against any adversity I face on this.

English used to be a language I kept for personal talking and venting, and I'd hurt myself for having thoughts in this language near other human beings. I kept my main language separate function wise. It's not the case anymore, but I still never ever use it irl. Sorry for misuse or formal writing, or internet-ey informal writing.





Recent forum posts
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Site Updates / by ScaredLongNeckedFrend
Last post
May 19th, 2023
...See more Or previous ones you posted, I can't find it for some reason.
I was just wondering how to heal from judgment and from a fear of human people when feeling vulnerable, stalked and sort of harassed on a mass scale?
General Support / by ScaredLongNeckedFrend
Last post
May 20th, 2023
...See more Nothing or anything is real, I just mean regardless whether or not my brain made it up. How do you feel like a human being is safe to any extent on a personal level? I'm trying not to be agreeable or obedient since that kind of gets *** after a bit. It's just genuine vulnerability kind of makes seeking isolation and reclusiveness horrifying, especially since I was attempting to open up and make something new of myself. I'm kind of unsure where a lot in me is at. I kept a lot separate in me to cope with avoiding bonds and people, and it feels really complicated and intense how every feeling or capacity for safety, bonding or functioning link to things or can go against each other. how can anyone be safe at all on a personal sense
Hi! How do you process emotional problems relating to sexuality?
Trauma Support / by ScaredLongNeckedFrend
Last post
April 23rd, 2023
...See more I can't process a lot of things and it feels icky and overwhelming as ***. I want to cut my genitals, I am more horrified than you could actually imagine about o'sms. I'm not sure how to seek help or what to ask. Please find advice to help. I'm not sure how to navigate anything of it, it's 1.5 decades of completely *** obsession hurting myself I'm beyond ***, help. Just started trying to reach professional help just might want to ask advice in the meantime since every single functions or emotion or sensation have arrays of horrors attached to them cognitively. Help please it's been *** *** and I've been obsessing on healing with all the resources in the world for 5 years in isolation to no avail. *** find something I can't find anything that won't take me years help. It's assured at least for a few years recovery just help me have a clue it's *** ***. I'll find anything to remove my genitals once I've the movie regardless just *** find me a clue if you have any it's *** since horror comes back perpetually and autonomously.
What are some general ideas you could give to set up a safe environment to feel more emotions?
General Support / by ScaredLongNeckedFrend
Last post
March 29th, 2023
...See more I feel like I'm taking care of things and am doing way too well. I'm terrified I might have to feel a lot of emotions or other reactions at some point and am not sure how to manage these things in general. I'm not sure how to set that type of care in a new or more functional way somehow, so I'd appreciate ideas. I can't feel safe about anyone and I can't really set up anything with my therapist for now it seems, we've only had one session and I got really paranoid about her even, so it's not that well started from that end of things.
Help just to manage sexuality horror/panic and discomforts and everything
General Support / by ScaredLongNeckedFrend
Last post
March 1st, 2023
...See more Hello, I've not really vented or written anything since the whole stalking thing or whatever it is. I'll just write anything without second though. My body can't feel safe or feels like panic and I get these brain burns when it comes to these thing, can I please know what to do for discomforts when it's that complete or blocked mentally? What am I supposed to orchestrate for safety and how to feel ok about trying to do that at all? I just mean m' otherwise I can't really feel ok or safe about m' in general at times since at least a decade, but recently I don't know how to address panic/horror feelings in place of l'. I figured I'd ask since I want my body to be held, like I'm not remotely *** or anything I just want it to stop, and my brain is like burning please. nothing can feel ok or safe or adequate or tolerable at all often. I couldn't care less about whatever nonsense is not happening (I am promising to not believe anything regarding stalking or conspiracies no matter how much it's a lobotomy.), I won't spend more time thinking or writing, my brain is burning too bad I want to be held so *** bad. it's better than ever, but I can't deal for too long every time. please just anything for times while I'd have to function or for maybe having a way to deal or allow trying to feel safe about it if I get to move asap
What are good resources or reading that might help me grow again socially? In a sensitive and vulnerable way I mean, or healthy attachment
Trauma Support / by ScaredLongNeckedFrend
Last post
December 18th, 2022
...See more I felt like I had a grasp of it few months ago even and that I'd be able to grow again in a more liberated and constructive way, but I'm not sure what exactly to feel anymore. I feel like I did most of the work and figured out myself or my place in life better, but I still need to work on how much a more private issue hurt me personally. The main problem growing up for me was that I believed I had to leave everyone once I'd grow up and be usable for people, and avoid any sort of bonds. I thought I had no worth else than to be used by whoever I heard judgment from, as an 'and then what' gesture after anything horrible I heard from them. Since I can still be usable after any odd knee jerk thing they'd say. And for them, I ended up leaving 95% of people I really loved thinking it was the right or responsible thing to do. I sort of butchered the process of leaving the last few since I had comfort and it's incredibly painful on my end in a variety of ways. I'm not sure how to make sure they're ok and have lots of resources after also. I'm trying to find a genuine and safe way to nurture that sense of worth or my place in the world and to feel allowed near humans just so I can bond again and it's been confusing to reexamine why it felt so difficult. I'm not sure how to not feel this amount of pain about it if a few private things aren't being addressed while working on it, so I'd rather have rougher subjects addressed first if it's possible at all. Not a guilt thing in any way, mostly about a really sensitive topic.
How would you console someone who feels they are to blame for everything due to a really warped sense of self worth?
Trauma Support / by ScaredLongNeckedFrend
Last post
December 6th, 2022
...See more In the sense that they are prohibited to go out, but if they are allowed to be out, it means they have enough worth to exist within the outside world. So if something is scary or wrong and they weren't in a safe or accepting context, they hide with a very intense sense of shame and worthlessness. I'm asking this way, but I feel like a part of me is inconsolable and I can't take care of them right now, since a specific thing draws them inwards. It was really new that they had safe spaces, or that they could be allowed out (last 1-3 years very gradually). I'll keep calling them parts, sorry if anything, but I don't see how else to refer to them or think of them still
How to feel safe and genuine about other people?
Trauma Support / by ScaredLongNeckedFrend
Last post
November 5th, 2022
...See more I mean anyone I care about especially, or really anyone at all. I feel like I'm really not allowed to talk to them or to feel ok about them on an emotional level and it's kind of driving me insane. Like I haven't been given permission to feel ok about them and to feel/connect etc. I still feel like an emotional part and a friend, and I want to be there, but I've this really intense feeling making me feel I'm not allowed, can't and should stay away, and it stops me from reflecting as much as I'd want. I was past this for maybe 2 years now and forgot how bad it felt. My chest feels some sort of intense pain about it constantly.
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