How to feel safe and genuine about other people?

@Optimisticempath Well the mindspaces and mechanisms became a bit more developed and generalized towards humans some years ago, it feels like no one is safe for a vulnerable part of me and I have to protect them and soothe them. My brain couldn't take more wrong and hurtful judgments and I would dissociate really fast on those, but I needed to function and be witty, so I've parts for that. Something just took a toll during my development and layer by layer this shifted into really intense reactions and feelings. I've only had confirmations to make it worse and more intense until maybe mid 2017, but the core is still there. My attempt at just cutting off triggers and not ruminating about it for 4-ish years has made the reaction less severe, but I needed to delve into it again once it'd calm down tbh.

I already had a lot of trouble with intimacy/vulnerability for a few things growing up, so some of the phobia of talking etc. was rooted in that and I kind of made it an extreme extreme lot worse few years ago. So that sort of comes up as an instance of 'eventual disconnect' and a (wrong/not allowed surface feeling) before abandonment, rejection, hurt, etc. Though yeah those feelings might be at the root of it.

And this whole thing was gone for the last 1-2 years, but it's just there again and it's been so painful since I built connections. I can't explain the alienation feeling I get in my chest. Might have to address how those things felt during adolescence slowly with someone safe.

@mytwistedsoul I’ve not consulted anyone, so no to the last one, but yes to the other questions. I’m not sure when it’s a threat thing or a ‘not allowed’ thing. Sorry for the delay and for avoiding this, I’ve not delved into it for awhile and people have been really intrusive and odd lately online.

For parts, I’m not sure how to think of it myself and I need to try thinking about it, so I’ll write a bit more than needed sorry.

They’ve been less and less defined and it’s been a very inconsistent mess since march 2018, but it seems very clear in some circumstance. I tried to obsessively stop overanalyzing the whole thing and to leave a lot of it spontaneous around 2018-2020, mainly so that triggers wouldn’t be as bad in the long run.

I’m assuming it’s not even OSDD at this point, but it seemed like osdd-1b from descriptions. The only clear amnesia I’ve had I think has been for shorter regressive/vulnerable episodes during really difficult periods, and that can be recollected with one type of high stress if some sort of distress baseline is kept with the core of the situation being in mind.

For rules and not being allowed, I’ve compartmentalized a lot of things and both knowledge and actions can or cannot be ‘ok’ or accessed for some. The mindspace or however will just have a capacity to follow a specific ‘type’ of instinctive things related to it — it’s just conditioning work once a sense of distress/trauma and its own little web is formed, and functions like that go through a more general slave part. One guides, one soothes/supervises, one punishes — whether it’s delusion or not, it’s very spontaneous and complete in some settings. 75% of it just became mush and really *** unstable/wacky since events in summer 2017 to march 2018, so I feel pulled apart especially if some core subjects/events are brought up. A lot is for control/safety in a sense.

I still refer to those things as parts and it feels more stable once I’m in stress and they feel separate/defined them. Also one wanted to come out and exist, and finally I had a sign that it wasn’t just me in 2017, so I still want to give them that. I’ll keep calling them that, since they’ve their own progression and their own independent internal life.