Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check-in Wednesday 14th June 2017
Good Morning, Afternoon or Evening Everyone!
This is my first shot at a daily check-in for Trauma and I hope I don't fall SPLAT on my face. 
All fun aside, how often does a fear keep you from trying? You want to (or maybe have to) try something new but afraid the world will see you slip and fall? Or maybe a part of you wants to try again for healthy relationships, social lives, recreation but the last time was traumatic for you and the bigger part of yourself holds you back from trying again?
After a traumatic experience, even a cat will avoid the same situation. As much more complex humans, we often isolate or shield ourselves from the world. It's difficult to trust or 'jump in' to a healthy lifestyle. But we can heal and learn, step by baby step, to try again.
So how is your day going? Are you ready to try something different- even if it's just one small leap into a bean bag? We're here for you! 
TAG!!
@Avaray @vriska44 @Shadeshack @BeeLeigh @Faeryschild @dancingRainbow45 @Lavendermoonlight @KLM3278 @sujaypai
@sweetMelody95 @jr50 @agreeableKite4304 @PhoenixPatronus @Morfo66 @themainjane @raycascotch
@KatieMoon1 @conscientiousPineapple1782 @Tamba @inventiveOrange1 @Jenna0903 @melliotm @PanamaBanana
@AutumnLeigh @DeborahUK @PuppyLove13 @KristenHR @HearingYourHeart @vriska @TreesandWine
@guyb @Sharkradio @MKjart @AnnaKateMillerLCSW @Tamba @Celestialvoid @WaterLily16 @TheAsh @MKJart @Asiam1971 @philosophicalship9444 @rumplesteeleskin @Survivetoalive @exuberantTriangle2562 @coraline23 @Lilyflower0817
@caterpillargirl
@AutumnLeigh
sleepless
Weel sometimes and to much worry what others will think too. But also is true I used to stop myself and freez like even when may something accomplish bcs not trusting myself. Too much scared that I may not be that strong and fail...
@conscientiousPineapple1782
So often, life can seem like a game of cards. A world where we control nothing except the cards we are dealt. I know it's scary! But I also believe we are here for a reason and your strengths and the lives you touch can change the world! You've been wonderfully supportive here and we want to return that favor. I don't often remark in daily check-ins but I upvote a lot and you have always been there for others. Maybe we haven't been dealt a great set of cards. But we can certainly use them in our lives to our advantage and to many others. I hope you'll stay with us and get back all you give! I'm wishing you well and sweet dreams feeling you're important and worthy of love....and sleep!
@AutumnLeigh
Thank you! <3
@AutumnLeigh
Good afternoon Leigh.
That cat is too cute!!
I dont want to start anything new because I'm afraid of losing something by using the time for another thing instead of my everyday routine… I think this feeling doesnt come from trauma though, maybe it does, I don't know. I think I'm scared of making my life worse than this.
My day is fine, but I don't feel ready to try something different. but on the other hand, I would like to explore something new.
@exuberantTriangle2562
I'm really happy your day is fine, and I understand that you fear making life worse by not trying something new. I have to admit that I hide from what might be a disaster and want to stay in my 'safe' place without confrontation or anything negative. Do you feel your life is lacking something? If not, then you're probably doing OK. If you do feel you're lacking things that are challenging but may be rewarding, we are a wonderful group of team and members to talk to! If you feel you'd like to try a new thing, have you thought of writing down the positives and negatives of what could happen? That often helps me make a decision to either do something new or pull away from something toxic. Best of luck to you my friend!
Just been awake. Flashbacks. Cant deal with this anymore.
@inventiveOrange1
Are you able to speak with your husband or someone? Do you think there is anything that might help?
My heart goes out to you.
@inventiveOrange1
I think @themainjane has a good point. Is there someone you can talk to? Flashbacks of Trauma are horrible, but it's not something that can't be healed. We are here for you, and because you have posted here, there is hope from all of us that we can help! We all understand that healing is time-consuming and can seem to take forever. But time is your friend as all of us are. If you're at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on! We are here for you!
@AutumnLeigh @themainjane @TreesandWine thank you all. Im trying. Threads are unravelling but holding on to hubby tho cant tell him alot its too raw for him too.
Made it to work late but here in the hosp at least even if head not here. Keep watching the news which is awful. My brother works at Hammersmith hosp and was hard for him even to get there. Everything triggering me even sirens.
Just raw and broken. I dont know how much longer i can deal with it all.
@inventiveOrange1
It's tragic, sad and scary on many levels.
Hang in there and seriously, Orange, so glad you are opening up when it's so very difficult.
I wish I had the right words. I can say that the more you share the more people can understand. And the thing that can help you has a better way of being found that way.
@inventiveOrange1
I can't imagine what you're going through right now. Being a member of a hospital is SO difficult when friends or loved ones aren't able to handle what you see there. I don't know where you are right now, but I looked into 'Hammersmith' and found the updated BBC news. If you're working with that......wow. My thoughts are with you!! I'm hoping that you find strength to handle what you do in hospital. I am in the US and been up till dawn with work here. But should you need to talk it out later, I have medical experience, and you wouldn't shock me if you needed a chat. Bless you, hon!
@AutumnLeigh thanks. My brother is a pathologist at hammersmith so he dealing with alot of it. Im just a medinfo/critical care pharmacist at a outer london hosp. Main issue today is sourcing more cyanokits for smoke inhalation for the hosps closer to it.
Its just sad all the hosps in the area have been and continue to be on high alert and reacting when short of resources themselves.
My issues and traumas take a back seat and dont matter when seeing everything else. Whatever i can do while im still able i will. Feeling useless but trying.
@inventiveOrange1
So hard on yourself, Orange. You are so strong and it's like you don't even see it. You suit up and show up which is more than I do presently (but I'll get there, hopefully).
Anyway, I think it is okay to take time to work out your own problems too. At least I'm trying to think that way.
So I'm trying here, afternoon...
Couple of points - i love the video of the cat and the beanbag.
All fun aside, how often does a fear keep you from trying? not as often as it used to
Today, my fear is higher than usual, trying to learn to trust God, and not be afraid of my parents finding me, i think i'm starting to feel accepted on 7cups though, which i like... i'll get there...
@Psalm139
OH WOW!!! So glad you liked this post and super happy you joined in!! I'm so proud that you've found a way to overcome your fears. Sometimes faith and beliefs are a HUGE help to people. I hope your faith helps you with bigger fears today and that you'll stick with us! Yes, 7cups cares about you! And what you share, in turn, helps others as well. Wishing you the best, my new friend! You're amazing!
I am ok, but have lost a lot of hope in finding a " home", I am thinking, maybe over rated or not happening for me, I am way behind on my daily check ins, but hard to stay focused.
@jr50
Glad you checked in, good to see you here.
@themainjane. Thank you, feels good to be back
I snapped at a coworker for throwing out the "You're young and healthy" line today. I actually yelled, "I am NOT!" and she just looked at me and was like, "...you're not young?" To which I responded, "Yes, I am, but I have never in my life been healthy and that is the most frustrating thing to hear!"
So, yeah. That's where I'm at today 🙃
@BeeLeigh
Ugh, people assuming you're healthy because they don't see anything "wrong" with you, right? People assume so much in general and don't consider that things aren't the way they see them. Sorry you have to deal with that, understandable that it gets you so frustrated that you snap.
@hereigoagain
It's been rough the last couple days. Unless my employers lie on my Medicaid papers, I will get cut off for making *just* too much, and I just don't have an extra $150/wk to keep seeing my therapist. I don't make enough to actually afford anything else, but I'm at like 140% of the poverty line, and the Medicaid cut off is 138%. I've been crying at work for two days and listening to depressing music loudly enough you can hear it in the whole office. Sooooo....yeah. I'm a little extra irritated the last couple days. It's been a little tough. Hearing my coworker say that...it was just too much. But the look on her face when I yelled that at her was just priceless cuz she's a coworker I don't even like to begin with 😜
@BeeLeigh
Oh no that sucks so badly, no wonder you were already upset and irritated to begin with 
Do you think you can convince your employers to help you? I mean, I don't really know much about being employed lol but wouldn't everyone be better off if they just paid you a little less (or well changed the number)? If they need you to be working i.e. at a functioning level then your health should concern them too right? I really hope this will get fixed for you.
@hereigoagain
I can't ask my employer to lie on a document going to the federal government. But it's out of my control. This is just my life. This is how things go for me. I finally have a therapist I actually enjoy spending time with, and now I'm gonna lose her and idk what I'm gonna do. I need her. I don't want to try finding someone more affordable. I don't want to have to start all over.
@BeeLeigh
Very understandable that you're feeling bad about all this and don't want to start again with a new therapist that might not even be as good, and so frustrating that your current income is just above the cutoff. 
Do your employer and your therapist know about this situation? What do they say? And like, do you HAVE TO make this "much" money, or why..? This sounds so weird and unfair.
@hereigoagain
I can barely afford to live as it is. I can't really afford to take a pay cut, but I also really need my therapist. So I basically either need to take a big pay cut and live off student loans, or I need a really good raise so I can afford my therapist without insurance 😞
I will write this in English and then in a more angry way sorry in advance. I really want to do something to myself and it is stuck there in my head. It feels like there is all these emotions in my head and confusion, so much confusion that will not be sorted out. So I am a little grumpy I think at least I think, even that is somewhat confusing. Ok I am going to say it in another language just well I can speak it badly, sorry.
Ego vere volo ut noceret mihi tantum. Ad infernum cum omnia iustus faex (non puto faex est in hac lingua). Ego sum iratus, tam tristis ita omnia et nihil. Tanta est in me, et nihil erit. Etiam speravi dicens hoc in hac lingua significat nemo potest umquam legitur. Plus ego vere malum latine, lectio ok, scriptum est, aliud. Ego vere volo ut noceret mihi.
@AmalieAnne
ashes to ashes, dust to dust. But even the sediment has sentiment.
You are already hurting so much. Please don't hurt yourself. I'm sorry it's so difficult. Please talk with us or someone or even yourself instead. It's good to get these things out. ❤
@themainjane I apologise, I am better I think now just woke up so...
@AmalieAnne
I will repeat to you what has been said to me lately: It's okay.
@themainjane thank you
Couldn't pull myself out of bed. Feel stuck. Too much effort to deal with anything today -- or any day it seems lately.
Trying not to feel like I'm totally broken.
@melliotm
But the day is not over. If you cannot manage to go outside - what do you think you could do? Some days are easier than others.
If nothing else you've already done something by being willing to look at it.
anyway, I'll shut up. I'm sorry if I'm bothering you.
@themainjane Never a bother :) thank you for reaching out.
@themainjane Today is hard. Truly awful dreams last night. Not ready to confront or even accept the memories that were dredged up by my subconscious (hence why the process is likely taking place behind the wall of sleep -- ah, the vicious cycle). So: stuck here again.
Gonna try for a walk around the block in a bit.
Baby step style.
@melliotm
That is an awesome step. Take a few for me. I'll just be indoors straightening up my palace. :)
And by tidying up I mean maybe a nap because I have done some chores. Will do some more this evening.
@melliotm
I saw that commercial: "Sorry, I was eating a snickers bar."
Also, after following the link you provided found out that the original "no regerts" was even better: No Regert
Maybe I should get one that says: Remeber
One of my fears is that people will judge me, think me slow or uncool.
Truth is, I am a pollyanna (can be) and think I ought to start owning it.
okay, maybe I'm not excessively optimistic always but I am trying.
I also think that I do like the phrase I heard in chat here once: "I'm a closet extrovert."
Serenity Now! (It is funny)
@themainjane
"closet extrovert", it's a thing apparently. I know one, and they called ME an extrovert too... I thought it was ridiculous back then but I guess it may not be so wrong after all.
@AutumnLeigh
Great check in. The cat makes me laugh. Healing from trauma is hard work. For me, it is so worth the effort because I want to have a healthier existance for myself and with those I love and cherish.
Today is going well with the exception that I pulled my back out. Going to try some stretches in a bit to try and get it to loosen up. We have a party at our house starting at 3pm and it's been lots of prep. Almost ready to go.
I have my second EMDR session via skype this evening. I feel like it is working. I think so anyway....
Hope all of you have a wonderful day and evening,
Warm regards and hugs, Mary
