Trauma Support Community Check In: Thursday-Friday 14-15 January 2021
Hello Friends.
How is everyone's day going? What is a challenge you have to face and your plan to face it?
Today I would like to talk about avoidance. Avoidance is what we do to keep ourselves safe, we avoid situations or people that make us scared or triggered. Avoidance is a tricky subject because it has some elements in common with boundaries and limits but also has a a negative side. Avoiding something repeatedly makes the fear of that thing stronger, more debilitating. This is why some trauma survivors end up generalizing their fear to much more than the initial situation that caused the trauma. Not only do we not want to relive what happened, but we don't want to experience anything CLOSE to our trauma. Before we know it we haven't gone outside in a year.
Do you feel that avoidance is healthy? When could it be unhealthy?
Is there anything you would like to work on avoiding less?
What are some strategies you use to overcome avoidance?
Some strategies I use are: Taking care of my appearance gives me an extra boost of confidence if I'm scared specifically of social or outside things, chipping away at a task one minute or one small part at a time helps a task feel more do-able, planning a self care activity for after I do the thing I need to do, affirmations in the mirror to counter the negative or irrational thoughts with logic.
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@Hoxenos. Yes.. avoiding is what I do best I am either ok or I am trying hard to stay away from causes me anxiety or panic.. I wish there were actually therapist near me that do cognitive therapy. I have been reading about this for years, I just want to live a fulfilling life..
@jr50
You're right in that having a therapist can create the sense of safety sometimes required for being able to confront our avoidance. If you don't have access to one, I'm glad you are accessing the resources you do ahve acces to here on 7cups.
Working up to confronting acoidance has a few steps. Starting with being calm, having a grounding strategy ready. Confronting avoidance can be done in many ways. One is to figure out what is REALLY causing the avoidance, perhaps a specific feeling or specific fear. Knowing that this fear is not affecting you currently, it's a feeling or fear from the past can help some people.
Another strategy is to ignore the root cause and focus on the right now. In some cases this is similar to exposure therapy. You work your way up to the thing that you are avoiding. Create stepping stones or break the teas into smaller easier to digest pieces.
There are many strategies that work for this. At the end of the day the most important part is learning how to stay calm and grounded even when you're stressed. It takes time and practise but everyone can learn this eventually. I believe in you <3
@Hoxenos Thank you for the checkin. I hope you are doing ok too
Do you feel that avoidance is healthy? When could it be unhealthy?
I really think that avoidance is unhealthy. The more I avoid things, the more they seem to pile up one after the other. Avoidance does not make things go away and I think I have to deal with things eventually sooner or later
Is there anything you would like to work on avoiding less?
I think my own emotions. I sometimes invalidate myself alot. I think I also need to stop avoiding memories of some traumatic events and start processing them. They feel very raw and hurtful which is why I avoid them. Idk how to describe it well, I am sorry
What are some strategies you use to overcome avoidance?
I think mostly it is telling myself that I need to breathe through things and not avoid them
@hillsideblues
Hi there Hill, thanks for checking in.
It's so true that things can pile up making the siatuation even more stressful than it needed to be when wefirsta voided it. Avoidance is similar to procrastination in that way. Or maybe procrastiantion is a form of avouidance.
Learning to process emotions can be very intense. It sounds like you are working on using breathing as a grounding strategy to get through this. Perhaps adding to your grounding strategies could help you handle more diverse sitautions of processing emotiong. Things like 5-4-3-2-1, counting/counting multiples of 3, body scans, muscle relaxation techniques, visualization. Have you tried these before?
@Hoxenos Thank you for writing back ❤️
I sometimes do use those techniques to calm myself down. I have a hard time doing any muscle relaxation techniques because sometimes my body just gets very still for hours or sometimes it sort of starts twitching
I squeeze and relax a soft rubber ball which helps
Good questions. I guess I try to titrate my avoidance. I try to gauge my actual capacity and set realistic goals accordingly. I try to ask myself what I am actually capable of today, or even just right now, and do no more and no less. I try to prepare myself for whatever is involved in the thing I am avoiding, and when it is done I back off and enjoy the sense of accomplishment. Sometimes this exhausts me. Other times I’m energized and able to do another thing I’d rather avoid.
@JoyfulAgain00
It sounds like you've already done a lot of introspection and work around avoidance. Great job!! Awareness of these parts of ourselves are so important. I totally relate with what you said about sometimes feeling totally exhausted and other times being energized and inspired enough to tackle multiple things. I suppose it really relies on what other stuff and stresses are currently going on. Being honest with ourselves about our limits is so key and it sounds like you are really keyed into this part of you, that's awesome!
How is everyone's day going? What is a challenge you have to face and your plan to face it?
My day is going okay. I'm pretty tired because it's the end of a long day. In true ironic fashion I have unabashedly avoided this check in for a full day now.
A challenge I currently have is honestly homework and keeping my head on straight. I think I'm doing fine, it;s just so overwhelming sometimes. If something triggers me or if I'm starting to panic I can't just start talking about all the awful things that happened. I can't explain myself. I can't tell anyone why I'm just nervous around people, or why it really upsets me when they borrow something of mine without asking (even if I definitely would have lent it to them if they just asked), or why it's so confusing when someone is just nice to me. I can't tell them how weird it makes me feel when someone treats me kindly when I'm just another random person to them. Things like this make a lot things complicated, especially for people who know me pretty well, because they'll think I just don't like them.
Do you feel that avoidance is healthy? When could it be unhealthy?
Avoidance is the best thing. I'm telling myself that in a clearly futile attempt to convince myself that it is, because this feels terrible. It feels terrible when I neglect someone or something because of my stupid anxiety.
Is there anything you would like to work on avoiding less?
I'm currently avoiding practicing the piano because I'm so stressed out about it. I'm also avoiding doing my homework because I'm so stressed out about it. So yea, maybe just about everything that stresses me out. Which is mostly everything.
What are some strategies you use to overcome avoidance?
*trigger warning* I used to self harm. That worked because it took a lot of nervousness out of it. I didn't have to worry about messing up because I'd already pre-punished myself for it. It was also just nice to have something else to focus on.
Now I just try to face it head on. Doesn't always work, but it's better than what I used to do. I also try to identify what the real fear is. When I avoid playing the piano, it's because I'm afraid I'll mess up. When I avoid doing my homework, I'm afraid of how much of it there is. When I can put things in perspective and see that it's not that big of a deal after all it usually helps me calm down and just start doing it.
@honestpanda81
Hi Panda, thanks so much for checking in today. I know it was hard,and it was a hard topic and you did it anyway! Great job! It sounds like you have a lot of anxiety about people liking you and about being perfect. These kinds of anxieties can be very frustrating because they resist when we tell them how irrational it is. One strategy that worked for me was imagining a person very much like me in every way I can possibly think of, but changing one little thing about them. They are not me. Would I expect these things from them? Why is it ok to expect thsoe things from me? Am I better than them? We are the same and you deserve to treat yourself the way you treat others.
Perhaps there is an activity that you can do to calm your mind and ground instead of self harming. I know you said you don't do it anymore, but in case urges are still there. Perhaps you can brainstorm activities that help you distract and focus on something to let your emotions relax for a time before trying again?
How do you feel about these ideas? It is ok to not like them, btw. They are just ideas that worked for me and they may not work for you and that is ok. :)
@Hoxenos
Strangely, it works. When I think about all the people around me, there are really very few people I genuinely dislike, and I'm usually a lot more understanding towards the shortcomings of other people as compared to myself. Looking at myself from a third perspective helps remind me that even though I have my flaws and quirks, I'm still really just a normal teenager with flaws and quirks. I guess I'm just used to people treating me a certain way, and it causes me to feel as though I deserve it, even though in reality the way other people treat me reflects their character, not mine.
I do use a lot of different techniques to help ground myself: the typical 54321 exercise, mindfulness exercises, breathing exercises, and other types of coping techniques. They usually help, except when I start to panic in school once in a while, which is a lot harder to handle. With too many people around, talking and laughing, or if I'm in class and I can't just get up and go outside for a minute, or take out my phone to find something to help me, it's just tough. The urges still come and go sometimes, but I've gotten a lot better at waiting them out and getting through them.
It's not easy, but at the end of the day I know I'd feel a lot better keeping to it than giving in
Do you feel that avoidance is healthy? When could it be unhealthy? I think it's not bad to a avoid for a day after a team or problem to rest, but just do not avoid it completely. I've seen someone do it and they keep asking me why they are stuck. However when I'm honesty, I get snapped at. I just hope they get this figured out.
Is there anything you would like to work on avoiding less? My writers block
What are some strategies you use to overcome avoidance? Break problems down into smaller goals,
Counterthoyghts, when negative thoughts happen you use a positive thought to counter them,
Treat yourself when finishing goals or problem, something to look forward to
@Rebekahwriter13
Hi Rebekah, thanks so much for checking in today, it's nice to see you.
You have some great insight into avoidance and I bet it is helpful for other people to read this. It is definitely frustrating when you try to help people and they don't want to help themselves or confront teh real reasons for things. Unfortunately we can't fix other people, it is up to them to fix themselves.
These are great strategies! I'm glad you've found something that works for you. :)
@Hoxenos thank you for replying.
I just gave suggestions because I've learned you just need to figure out what works for you.
@Hoxenos
Great topic!! I do feel avoidance can be good and bad. I avoid Watching alot of movies and shows to avoid seeing triggrey things I avoid going out alot, aside from my sensitivity to sunlight, it can be very triggrey for me.
I think it becomes bad when it starts being excessive and starts being bad for our health psychial or mental.
I use music mostly when I do go out, not being able to hear traffic noise helps, I try to watch my phone so I don't see it, that's kinna hard though. I always have a stuffed animal with me.
Again great post,! Hang tough stay pawsome ur friend 🔥
@Fireskye13
Hi Fire,
That's a great point, that avoidance helps us until it starts to hurt us. The important part is being able to identify within ourselves when that happens. Learning how to listen to our bodies and identify our emotions are a big part of this.
I'm glad you've found some strategies that work for you. i also like haveing music to mask potentially loud noise, although I like to be able to hear a bit or I don't feel safe.
Thank you for the kind words about my post, I appreciate them <3
@Hoxenos
Identifying emotions is important, and hard lol. I usually feel alot. Ur so welcome, it is a pawsome check in.
Hang tough stay pawsome ur friend 🔥
@Hoxenos
Do you feel that avoidance is healthy? When you are avoiding things that can trigger you. When could it be unhealthy? It could be unhealthy when you avoid to many things too much.
Is there anything you would like to work on avoiding less?
People
What are some strategies you use to overcome avoidance?
Usually listening to music makes me feel more confident.
My day is going okay for now.
@Girlycat
Hi Girly,
(Incidentally, Girly is what I sometimes call my cat?????)
This is a great insight. Avoiding things too much can cause us to feel really overhwelmed and make the intial problem so much worse! If it is something that is not necessary to do, I feel like this is less likely to happen, but avoiding necessary things can make problems pile up for sure, and potentially cause long-term consequences. Doesn't exactly help our stress levels right?
I like your strategy of listening to music. Is there a particular kind that is your go-to for this confidence?
@Hoxenos
Just some insperational music
Do you feel that avoidance is healthy? When could it be unhealthy?
No I don't think it's healthy. It could be unhealthy when it prevents us from moving forward.
Is there anything you would like to work on avoiding less?
I wouldlike to be brave to start over.
What are some strategies you use to overcome avoidance?
Right now, I am avoiding searching for a job because in 6/1/2021 my boss surprised me that I am fired and I have no right to get my salary of December. I still shocked and can't endure getting any refuse or objections from anywhere.
@DinaElwy
It is so frustrating when employers blindside us like that. It's so hard not to take things like that personally even if they aren't intended personally. I'm glad you're on here seeking support and I hope that reading through some of the other replies gives you som strength to overcome some of that job search avoidance. It doesn't hurt to look right? Don't have to necessarily do the whole application part, maybe break it isnto smaller steps. Job hunting is overwhelming as it is, I made it as small and manageable as I could for my sake, perhaps that would work for you too?
