Distortion No 9. Should statements
Hi everyone! I hope you are doing well. Today we will be talking about ‘Should’ statements in our cognitive distortions series. As the name suggests, it revolves around ‘should’ beliefs, its imposing rigid/fixed rules on self, others, the world. The world should be this way, I should be this, others should be X etc. You can usually identify these thoughts as they often carry the words ‘should, ought to and must’
The 4 types of should statements as mentioned here.
- Self-directed ‘shoulds’: self-imposed standards that, lead to anxiety, guilt, and shame.
- Other-directed ‘shoulds’: expectations of others which, lead to anger and conflict.
- World-directed ‘shoulds’: expectations around how the world should work, which can lead to frustration and entitlement.
- Hidden ‘shoulds’: implicit standards revealed in our reactions (e.g., getting frustrated with oneself after making a mistake).
Let's look at what this can look like for a person:
- I must change my appearance to look good (This can include losing/gaining weight or getting cosmetic procedures done)
- He should have spent more time with me. (Often we think of these shoulds after a relationship falls through)
- I should be happier in life
- This lecture should be more research-based
As always, it's only an issue if it's starting to impact the quality of your life. Sometimes we have to think hard even to notice that it is. In moderation, should statements are not always bad, It is good to think about how we can improve but it becomes an issue when we use these shoulds as a way to avoid responsibility, you say you failed a class because the class should have been easier but does that change your grade? Or you may be waiting to achieve a very unique physique and discounting all that you currently are.
For this distortion, we will be doing the following!
Notice when a should statement pops up, likely, reading this post has already brought to your attention your more prominent should thoughts. Ask yourself the following questions:
- If you took out the ‘should/must/ought to’ how will you see this situation?
- Where did this should statement start? (Where did this belief originate, this helps us figure out if these are even our own)
Once you have explored the statement and have a better understanding of it. The second step is to soften the words a bit. You can want things without imposing such fixed/rigid beliefs. Lastly, it helps to reflect on this from a more compassionate outsider perspective by assuming this is your friend who is dealing with this.
- Change the terms of should/must/ to lighter terms like ‘prefer/wish’
- What would you say to a friend who is imposing such fixed/rigid rules/behaviors on themself?
Let's see what it can look like when you do this exercise:
Please take a moment to complete the exercise and share your thoughts with us!
As I am walking through the journey of grief, I actually get a lot of "should" statements spoken to me from my family.. Things like, "You should return to work now", "You should just think positively", "You should forgive that colleague who tried to show empathy/compassion but ended up hurting your feelings".. etc.
These "should" statements make me feel that my family is trying to control how I should feel and act, rather than acknowledging my needs during this grieving journey.. that it's not just a matter of thinking positively, or that returning to work will keep my mind busy so I'm not exactly dwelling on the sadness I'm having with the grief..
@Hope
@Hope
I think that if you took the shoukd out of most situations and statements you would feel calmer and better in cobtrol of tge situation and less under pressure
I guess often such lines of thinking come from society and those around us who tell us we shoukd do things or be a certain way and we reflect this back to ourselves
We can soften this with more realistic phrasing which is tgst we prefer or wish something to be the case
And if a friend says they should be a certain way or do something we can gently reflect back what they say with the word you prefer or wish for that, in this way we are acknowledging that this is their wish and that its valid but *** is not necessarily a should
@quietlistener2023
You’re spot on! Removing "should" can definitely help reduce pressure and bring a sense of control. It’s great that you’re recognizing how societal and external pressures can shape our thinking. Softening these statements with "prefer" or "wish" is a helpful shift.
I like that idea of acknowledging that sometimes people just use should and may not realize the pressure it comes with
@Hope
I should get good grades in all my exams.
I would be more realxed, calm and at peace with myself.
I might have got a good grade in an exam. Which may have lead me to have this type of thinking pattern.
I prefer to get good grades as it makes me feel good about myself. I wish to become successful.
Your grades doesn't tell anything about you. It just tells how well you can perform. Your values are not shown through your grades. So don't stress out about anything. You can control your thoughts. No one is perfect. We all have flaws in our lives. We have to learn to accept them.
@Sparkle8888
You’ve done a great job reframing that "should" statement! Shifting to "I prefer" or "I wish" helps to release the pressure and creates more space for self-compassion.
@Hope
Thank You
@Hope
Thanks for this insightful post on "should" statements!
I often catch myself thinking, "I should be more successful by now" and it really creates a lot of pressure. When I take a step back and remove the "should" I can see that I've actually grown a lot and had some valuable experiences, even if they don’t fit a traditional idea of success.
@Hope The statements in the exercise are all things I resonate with all too well. Down to the wording, feelings, and mindset... it's like this is me speaking. I was raised and brainwashed to value education from a young age. My dad used to pay me for my "good grades", and younger me didn't realize how the entire school system was just a joke. Everyone is different; yet everyone is taught the exact same way. And whatever we did, we were being graded... not only was the work we turned in graded, but our conduct was too! It makes no sense to me, even now. So the whole telling the friend that it's ok not to make As all the time and making an F doesn't take away their value... well, that is soooo true! Why should we value a letter grade deemed by another imperfect human? We surely shouldn't. We should just continue to try and do our best and be the best version of ourselves we can. That's all that matters at the end of the day, not a letter grade that won't matter down the road.
@YourCaringConfidant
You’ve shared such a powerful perspective here! It’s so true that grades don’t define our worth or value as individuals. The way we’re taught to view success can feel limiting, but recognizing that it’s about doing our best and being the best version of ourselves is a huge realization.
Notice when a should statement pops up
I should not be sitting around after work when so many things need to be done.
- If you took out the ‘should/must/ought to’ how will you see this situation?
- If I take out the "should/should not", all it leaves is me sitting around after a 10 hour work day. Why can't I sit around?
- Where did this should statement start? (Where did this belief originate, this helps us figure out if these are even our own)
Like majority of the "shoulds" for me (and, maybe, for other as well) the beliefs came from rhe many musts/shoulds and shouldn'ts that I heard and internalised in childhood. My mum is a very "should" oriented person, who doesnt believe in leisure, seeing it as indulgence. (Here I go again, my inner voice saying "you shouldn't speak like this about your parents"). There are also so many sources that say what a good parent/friend/daughter/wife should do, what products you need and should buy right now... Even the term "a must have"..
- Change the terms of should/must/ to lighter terms like ‘prefer/wish’
- I could get some stuff done around the house because I prefer things to be neat and I know it will bother me later that the laundry is not done.
- What would you say to a friend who is imposing such fixed/rigid rules/behaviors on themself?
- There are so many shoulds already imposed by our living situations, sweetie, like the clothes you should wear to work, things you should say or do, that eliminating some of the self-imposed shoulds may liberate you a little bit. You have enough shirts to last you a month, forget the laundry today and make yourself comfortable, you had a rough Monday.
@Healtogether702
It’s great that you’re noticing where these “should” statements stem from and how they influence your thoughts. Recognizing that many of these beliefs were shaped by external sources, like your upbringing, helps you better understand their impact. Taking time for yourself is important, and it’s okay to let go of some of the pressures. You’re being kind to yourself by recognizing when it's time to relax and not feel guilty about it. Keep up the thoughtful reflection!
@Hope
Identify the should statement
That person should be better friends with me, versus with that other person, as I knew them first
If you took out the 'should/must/ought to' how will you see this situation?
The person is friends with me, which is amazing. Friendship is not a competition.
Where did this should statement start? (Where did this belief originate, this helps us figure out if these are even our own)
It started when I was a child. I saw a close friend of mine playing with another friend of ours and they both were playing and not looking for me (when they knew I was around). I felt hurt as I wanted to be included, but also felt hurt that my close friend seemed to prefer playing with the other friend.
Change the terms of should/must/ to lighter terms like 'prefer/wish'
I wish that person would be better friends with me, versus that other person, as I knew them first. I know that is part of my desire to be someone's "preferred person".
What will you say to a friend?
You know, it is hard when you see someone and you think you "should be" great friends based on interests, personality, etc. But everyone is drawn to different people more. You have so many good friends who like to hang out with you often, not everyone is going to fit into that box. Some friends will be daily friends, while others you will interact with weekly, monthly, or yearly.
@CordialDancer
It's insightful that you're reflecting on how these "should" thoughts come from past experiences. Friendships can be complex and unique, and it’s important to recognize that they don’t need to be a competition. Just remember, your worth isn’t defined by the people you’re closest to at any given moment.