Increasing Positive Connections and Decreasing Negative Connections

@GlenM @zarasmiles

And just to follow up - a full list of all the ways a listener rejection could occur can be found here.

@ZaraSmiles--I hear you and I am opting not to reply because this discussion is not constructive. *hugs*

@Amelia Thanks for sharing this Amelia. I've been consulting with a fair number of mental health professionals and others on this as well. The key takeaway is what you captured: If the person is not happy here, then they need to choose to walk away and move forward with their life.

@Amelia

You dared to ask for my opinion so I'll give it in this case.

This situation isn't new around negative culture. I've seen it on numerous occasions here in fact. I recall prior to the Appreciation Festival last year that the culture was similar negative, just for one example. But things here move in cycles as they do everywhere in life. Sometimes you're ahead and sometimes you're behind. Things here are a little bit like that to which is life.

But I think one of the reasons that threads like these are being created is to put some perspective around things. There is no 'my' side and 'your' side in these issues.. just differing perspectives borne out of different experiences.

I've had some good experiences on this site. I've had some great experiences but I've also had some really bad experiences here as well. Again, that's life, and there is nothing wrong with that in the slightest. Without those challenges, you don't know where you need to grow and, yes, some areas of the site require growth to some degree.

However, change isn't easy and it doesn't happen over night. I do see responses to some of the issues that are being raised which means the concerns that are being raised are honestly being considered. Sometimes that's not going to feel like it's enough, which is a reasonable opinion to hold in some cases, but one step forward is one step forward

Now all of that is not to say that I disagree with the perspectives shared by Kane, FreshLight, and others here. I can completely relate to much, if not all, of what Kane wrote. I don't blame anyone for that but it was good that it aired as an issue, one which I see being taken seriously.

I can understand a lot of the frustration. I feel it also which is a large part of the reason that I stepped back in January through to now. Adding to the angst and negativity here just isn't worth it and wasn't worth it. That doesn't mean that we should lay silent with our thoughts on how the site could improve. Far from it, in fact. But we need to choose what things actually matter and what things don't. And if things really matter then approaching it constructively is far more likely to reach an open-minded audience than frustration.

Sometimes I need to remember that too.

Anyway, Amelia, they're my thoughts.

@Roadie

Thank you so much for your reply! I agree with many things that have been said across these forum threads as well. In fact, I agree with over half of the points brought up by freshLight. However, I think the key word from your resposne is the word constructive. Problem solving with one another--yes!! Making statments that split the community, such as "they" won't censor "us"--yeah, not so much. I feel like there are a number of people involved that are responding to be engaged in drama--this feels counterproductive to me and leads to negativity across the community. Nitpicking people's statements--not cool either. Fighting someone else's fight when you are not directly involved--not really okay either (it's one thing to support someone--it's another to act as if we know the details of what has transpired here when we are not directly involved).

Regarding the constructive/productive appropach to things, I'd like to provide an example from this weekend. I had avoided posting in the forums for the most part. After the one major post that I made, I was contacted by a variety of listeners who wished to share their thoughts but I'll describe just two of those interactions. I tried to describe to each of these individuals some ideas that I had, tried to ask them what their ideas were, and tried to work together to find a solution. This resulted in two very different outcomes: I almost threw my phone while in PMs with the one of the listeners. Every idea I had, every question I asked, every observation I made was wrong. Period. There was no objectivity and no shifting or trying to meet in the middle. Even though I was trying to come up with solutions with them, nothing was good enough. The other listener acknowledged that we saw things differently, did not insist that I see things their way, and proceeded to brainstorm back and forth about ways to improve the site and address their concerns. This is how it should be here--and the I'm going to plant my feet in the ground and not budge, us vs. them attitude is one (note I said one, not the only) thing that is tearing this community apart. A few tags: @ZaraSmiles @GlenM @RebeccaEmily @Laura @Iara @Jake @Anomolia @Pam

@ZaraSmiles

I thought you brought up a good question....what are toxic behaviors? And toxic behaviors is something that I pondered (see my post below) before becoming okay with using this word in this context. When I explain toxic behaviors to people theres a particular article I like. Check it out here if you want more detail about this topic.

The article introduces toxic behaviors and their potential impact: "Lets be honest – weve all acted in toxic, damaging ways at one time or another. None of us are immune to occasional toxic mood swings, but many people are more evolved, balanced and aware, and such occurrences happen only rarely in their lives. Whether your toxic behavior is a common occurrence, or just a once in a blue moon phenomena, its critical for your long-term happiness and success that you are able to recognize when youre behaving negatively, and consciously shift your mindset when necessary."

The article continues and names a number of toxic behaviors--I'll list the ones that stood out to me:

1. Being jealous of others.

2. Taking things too personally (this is big! right now, much of the negativity has taken on an "us vs. them" theme).

3. Acting like you're always a victim.

4. Hoarding pain and loss (this is big too! sometimes it's simply time to move on).

5. Obsessive negative thinking.

6. Lack of emotional self-control.

7. Making superficial judgments about others.

8. Lacking empathy/compassion.

9. Needing constant validation.

Hopefully this helps you some, my dear sweet Zara!! (Side note: at this point, I'm not 100% sure that each post over the last few weeks has been made with good intentions unfortunately.) A few tags: @Laura @GlenM @Iara @Jake @MonBon

@ZaraSmiles--does this help clarify?

I received a tag here but can't see the post that I'm tagged in.(nasty phone things :-))

can the tagger please re tag or pm me? Ta

@Roadie, you are tagged in white in @Amelia's comment that starts like so:

@Jake

Thank you for being so clear.

@KrinkTheMellowUnicorn

Thanks.. one of the downsides of the ever-present mobile device.

I've been hearing that a number of folks have expressed some anxiety or fears to leadership. Like they are worried we are going to ask them to leave. I was concerned about this. I tried to be really clear that the folks we are concerned about are a very small minority and that 99.9% of our community is great. We've only warned a few folks. If you haven't received a message from us, then you are good to go. You should not at all be worried. Iara is about to put up a post on different types unhelpful, negative, and toxic behaviors. And, I'll work on some other examples tomorrow to further flesh things out.

Again, just to be crystal clear, 99.9% of us are solid and in good shape. There are some folks that need to grow. The goal/hope is that some of these folks can come around and learn to behave in a more adaptive way.

I have no doubt that we'll be a lot stronger on the other side of this, but I think it'll be challenging for a bit. That is okay though. Nobody ever said this was going to be easy. We'll grow through this just like we have grown through all of our other challenges.

Wow, I spent quite a long time going over each post in this thread. First of all , I just have this great need to congratulate each of you. Your posts reminds me of a fantastic debate : very informative, sincere , open and the best of all, really polite and respectful. A wonderful example for everyone here in 7 cups to see how a good discussion is carried out : a condusive environment indeed.

It is common for conflicts to arise when we are in a large community but how we solve it and move forward is the most important thing. Sometimes, I find myself rephrasing my responses before I send in my post or during discussions, even chats. It's always good to be a little sensitive about other people's feelings. But that does not mean I am timid or indicisive . I am very outspoken but I also understand , I share my space with a lot of other people and these people have their own opinions and thoughts. I also am aware, there is an etiquette or an invisible line , we abide by, when we interact with each other. Personaly I think , practising Give and Take and Checks and Balances , is a great way to live in a community.

@GlenM

Hi Glen,

I absolutely agree with you. I have had members curse and I continued to care for them, choosing to ignore what can easily be seen as frustration expressed in an inappropriate way. I do not respond in kind, but rather continue responding to the problem and not necessarily the way it was presented. Usually the cursing will stop immediately. If it doesn't, I politely ask them not use that language towards me because I would really like an opportunity to be helpful and listen to them. That, for me, has always worked. There are times when comments can be made without forethought, but when another person responds negatively to the comment, the best things to do are to apologize for accidently offending someone and then if it was a miscommunication, simply clarify. Due to different social and cultural backgrounds, it can be easy to accidently say something that has an entirely different meaning to the recipient. This type of situation can be a learning opportunity if we can humble ourselves by putting our egos aside and asking why what we said was found to be offensive because it was in no way meant that way.

All of this can fall under the statement: Please treat others as you would like to be treated.

@GlenM @Laura @KrinktheMellowUnicorn @Anomalia @MonBon

I have been a big contributor to the forums lately and Ive been watching all posts rather carefully and contributing where I feel I can add value. I am certainly not a fan of posts which are attacking, aggressive and wholly negative. However negative constructive feedback is healthy for business, it is also essential for growth. But growth also requires intellectual honesty whereby we should all be able to share ideas, goals and solutions and also concerns and feelings we have about the community, without fear of retribution. The forum is a powerful way for us to do that and these innocent comments should never be censored. It will most certainly make some people fearful to put forth their comments and ideas which will no doubt stifle growth and knowledge sharing. I can say this with certainty because I feel that way right now and for the forseeable future Ill be contributing nothing more to the forums out of fear of losing my place here in the community.

I was giving a warning yesterday for two comments in the forum which Id like some feedback on because Im confused and saddened that as someone who has done nothing but inject positivity into this community since I arrived nearly a year and half ago, that without so much as a PM the last week to check in with me on some of those concerns, I get an email warning me to be more positive in my interactions based on these 2 comments. Glen, youve mentioned that youd like to problem solve together as a community, this is also a new process, so Im sharing this because I need clarity on the process and I need to know how this falls within the realms of a warning according to your process, and others might find it helpful too.

I was warned for the following 2 comments:

Perhaps Ive grown in a different way and its not the site at all or perhaps it is the complexity of the site with all its different elements but either way, to me, it feels a little like 7cups has lost its soul (in this thread)

- I have not stated anything here as fact

- I have not attacked anyone

- I have used an I feel statement

- I have also provided options as to how it is I feel that way, including that it may be me, and not the site, and that I may have grown in a different away

I feel woefully neglected (in this thread)

- For starters, I never said this, it has been completely misquoted.

- In relation to new listener training and listener self-care what I did say is that: I wont expand on those topics again other than to say I feel they are woefully neglected (since Id expanded on them in another thread)

- I have not stated it as fact and I have not blamed anyone

- In fact I go further in that thread to say Most importantly lets remember that it is not only Glen or Laura or admins responsibility to strengthen this website, to promote responsible behavior, and to build community morale, its up to every single one of us to contribute to a culture that were all proud of.

I wholeheartedly apologise to anyone who felt hurt by the above two statements, and youre welcome to tell me here, but I hope in the context of the rest of my post on those threads and my explanation here you can see that there was no ill-intention and I certainly attacked no-one, I didnt claim anything as fact and I used I feel statements which in this very thread were deemed perfectly acceptable. I felt really awful getting a warning for these posts and I think its important that we refine the process, have some clearer guidelines, and also perhaps have a larger team involved, specifically those I tag above, to make fairer decisions over who gets warned.

@Sam, growth does require honesty [edited by forum teen star RebeccaEmily for containing confidential information]. I was going to talk through those issues and several other more recent items that have come up on my call with you today, but you cancelled. It was my hope that we could work through them. Sadly, that no longer seems likely.

@GlenM It's troubling to me, to see you dismiss Sam's concerns with three lines accusing her of dishonesty. I think that would feel like a disrespectful response from a leader towards any member of the community here, let alone someone who has put as much hard work and dedication into this community as Sam has over the years.

@Michaelmichael I can understand that. The situation is more complicated that it seems. I hope people realize that these decisions are made very carefully, not lightly, and taking into consideration a number of factors - not all of which are made public out of respect to the individuals involved.

@GlenM

Glenn may I ask this

If I were to post this to another member or listener would my ppost be deleted and I get a warning?? I think this also falls under to much info shared. We as listeners try really hard not to disclose to much info here. We did not need to know all this about this person and then out thinking gets are silly.

Again this is a poitive pull up only. Not to knock no one.

@wonderfulolive agreed. I know I'd never be able to get away with saying that, nor would any other listener. It's disappointing that anyone would be so disrespectful, and give such a display of invalidation. However, it is especially hurtful when coming from the leader of the site. This is so discouraging.

@RebeccaEmily

Hi I was in no way trying to point out to anyone of wrong or right, this or that. I was just trying to pull out the fact that many on here see differant views on things. It could be admins or members or guests. We all have them. And to bring it here respectfully and also useing words of not accusing or starting drama.

I too, am not dumb as to what is going on. I CHOOSE to be IN IT or BE IN IT to problem solve and keep drama down. Now please dont mark me as a queen bee here, I to have moments....but latly just focusing on the right battles as parents say to kids.

I know Glen probably meant well here, just maybe a bit to much info for all of us to see. And clarity is a good thing as well.

Sorry if anyone feels my post is on the edge of drama, that isnt what my mission here is.

@wonderfulolive, thank you and I don't feel knocked by this. I appreciate the stance you took. I don't believe so. I wouldn't delete it. This is a really tough situation.

@GlenM, I won't say any of my own words but repeat yours in regards to Sam's post:

"If you feel good about it, then post it. If you don

@GlenM

For some reason, I keep coming back to this post and rereading it, and I just feel very wrong having witnessed a post like that. Glen, I very much so respect you, I do. But to publicly dismiss a listener in a way that was not an attack in logic, but rather an attack on person...

I am glad @Sam left. Not because I don't love her, because I adore her with all of my heart, but to be honest, if that was said to me, I'd hope that I'd have the strength to leave as well. She poured her heart onto this site. She was professional, kind, wise, caring, and everything that 7Cups would want as an ambassador.

Not only was that dismissal uncalled for, but it leaves me with very little hope.

@GlenM

Perhaps an email should be sent to you? I just read here listeners have gotten warnings for these behaviors and posts on their emails. If someone at the top can behave this way against @Sam, but they punish listeners then does the words "Double standards apply here". A person giving confidential information in public at forums, but I thought people at the top should lead the example? I'm just asking of course without trying to make the situation worst.

@Michaelmichael

I really try not to throw more gasoline onto the fire, but I just want to say that I was thinking something along the same lines, and that you had the eloquence to say what I was feeling.

Thank you.

@GlenM I almost don't know what to say after reading this reply. I am just gob-smacked. What happened to confidentiality??? Did you intend to directly imply behavior reports, dishonesty, and other, unspecified and vague "elements" in a public forum post? Because that is exactly how it reads to me.

I mean, this is what the post said- "@Sam, growth does require honesty, [edited by forum teen star RebeccaEmily for confidential information]" [one sentence, containing both a implied public accusation of dishonesty and directly implying behavioral issues/misconduct/whatever- again, MADE IN A PUBLIC FORUM POST]. Even if I were to, for argument's sake, accept the premise of that statement (which I do NOT, as no evidence was proffered, nor would it have been appropriate to do so if any evidence existed)... how is that okay? Seriously. How???

I officially stand up in public to object to that particular post/reply remaining, (on the grounds just stated) and request it be removed.

-Mickey

At which point, my post should also be removed, as it quotes the offending passages.

@Mickey I agree completely! I hope you don't mind, but I edited your post to remove the confidential information, along with Glen's post. I hope it doesn't remove too much of the meaning in your post.

Much love

@RebeccaEmily. No worries at all! Having the info removed was all I wanted, so ty.

-Mickey

@RebeccaEmily

Rebecca I know it was hard to come to this decision as to delete things not only from a member but from Glen as well. I believe whats more important her is not WHAT was done or WHO it was done by, but the foundations rules that are posted and shared widely throughout 7cups. We need not lose focus on what makes 7cups thrive. Thank you.

@GlenM I had to edit your post to remove confidential information that should not have been posted in a public forum. If you would like to discuss this further, I invite you to my PMs.

@Sam, I have your back, like @Michaelmichael has. I hear your frustrations and I am deeply saddened that this happened to you, to someone who has earned only the highest respect from others. When you're back, pop into my PMs, I have a love bomb waiting for you. You're amazing and you do not deserve to feel harshly treated. Your love and enthusiasm is unrivalled and I mean that with every inch of my heart.

I'm also really taken aback by Glen's response to you, dismissing your valid feelings. If I'm honest, I'm losing hope in this place due to things like these but I firmly believe in doing my best to change it.

@GlenM

Well said and presented, nice to know that we have an outline in place for the growth and refinement of this site.

@EnigmaticRebel

Remember 7cups isnt responsible for our Personal Growth or our goals. That is part of our reasons we choose to be part of 7cups. To help GUIDE AND SUPPORT us through our jurneys.

I hope everyone is reaching out and getting that here, and also helping others with theirs.

@GlenM -- Onward and upward!

I would like to put forward my thoughts as to some of things which have been on my mind over the period of the past few days.

We at 7cups are a diverse community, and I think that's something each and everyone of us should be proud of ,the fact that 7cups has been able to bring together under one big virtual roof people across generations and countries is commendable and we all need to applaud the efforts of the admin team .This the fact that 7cups is not a closed restricted platform is to me our biggest strength each of the listener and member even one who has been here for a few hours has brought something unique to the table those differences in thoughts,ideas and processes have also been the reasons why we have differed and disagreed but that's alright .in this particular context this diversity also has the potential of causing problems.

A large number of us here don't come from English speaking backgrounds ,from different cultures and this is a medium where misunderstandings tend to happen ,there have been instances where time and again where I have felt hurt by what others have said not that they meant it it's just I failed to understand what they said and interpreted it wrong similarly I am sure what I have said may have been interpreted by others totally different from what I would have intended and it's not anyone's fault what we say (or type ) is subconsciously affected by cultural references and as they say what's normal for a spider is chaos for a fly .on top of that this is a medium devoid of expressions yet full of emotions .we can't see the speakers emotions and to me that's a serious problem.

To me I have no right to question someone's intentions ,I believe 99.9% of us are here for good reasons we all want what's best for the community and also believe in this mission though we may have different ideas and different paths which we would like to follow and wouldn't agree as to the "right" way to move forward.

For me again I see many people's posts as their ideas of how to move forward and not exactly toxic.to clarify I don't talk about posts such as "I hate 7cups" "7cups is going down the drain " or the ones which target an individual sometimes it may happen that even someone who has the best intentions may just have a bad day and lash out without wanting to .To me someone who has been here for a bit doesn't come on to disrupt the community its just that their thoughts aren't aligned with others and for all their eloquence may just fail to put forward their thoughts or maybe they couldn't be interpreted as they would have intended for whatever reason .I know I have suffered from that way too many times.I don't know who was given a warning except for @Sam who I was speaking to just before she left :/ ,I don't know for what she was given a warning its not my place to comment on that but from what I know of all people I wouldn't doubt her intentions here ,to me whatever she has always wanted what's best for the community.i would vouch for that.

What I ask is that everyone who has been sent a warning be given a chance to explain themselves as well as they be told how their posts were interpretated (privately would do) know it would take more time but it would make things much easier and simpler for everyone involved and must I say it would assure everyone involved ,atleast me that I will be able to explain myself and thus speak freely.

To end I will just say we all must remember that we are all on the same team ,our strength is in our unity and us walking this path together not in a Us vs them argument.

We are after all on the same side.

This is a difficult topic, especially since it can feel subjective.

For example, I can think of three scenarios that might all be viewed as the same but might not be:

1 - someone with positive intentions inadvertently says or posts something that is interpreted negatively or triggers a negative reaction in others

2 - someone with strong positive attachment to 7 cups mixed with either grievances or concern about change or good things ending may post something that is a mix of constructive criticism and expression of discouragement, hopelessness, or negativity, possibly with a side of catastrophe

3 - someone who no longer believes 7 cups is a good thing but has decided stick around and take pot shots, spread rumors, and just generally create chaos and strife

For the record I think there are probably very few examples of situation 3 above and many more of 1 and 2.

Situation 1 can generally be dealt with by talking things through to reach understanding

Situation 2 is trickier because of the admixture of positive and negative impulses. The ideal there is to tease them apart and for the person involved to discern if they want to work on positive outcomes here in this context or if they need to move on to find or build what they are looking for.

Situation 3 really just needs for the person to leave -- the hard part is knowing for sure this is the case.

@KrinkTheMellowUnicorn this is a really good breakdown and a clear summary of the challenges.

I want to preface my comment with the fact that I know my thoughts aren't entirely coherent - I've delayed posting in hopes that they would become more clear to me, but they haven't, and I wanted to say something.

I really appreciate what @PoeticGuy has said because I think that's what's been lost in this a bit too much. A lot of what has been said or what has happened has felt very divisive, very 'us' vs. 'them', and more than anything, I find that troubling because at the end of the day here, I think (and hope!) that we all want the same thing. We all want to see 7 Cups be a haven where everyone feels safe, respected, heard, cared for, and valued. Where we disagree is in where we are now and how best to get there, but not in what we want. And maybe it's naive of me, but I truly believe if we can break down some of the disagreements a little more, we'll see that there's a lot more in common than different and that we can move forward together.

I don't know the best path forward. I don't know the best way to solve some of the cultural concerns around pushing more work and not enough self-care. I don't know the best way to fix listener quality, or even the best way to fix individual pieces of it. I don't know how to ensure that everyone feels heard and appreciated. But I want to find out. I want to learn from the experiences that everyone has had. I want to hear the ideas on the table and help raise your voices and ideas so that we see progress. I want to help everyone understand the limitations that are sometimes in place, but also to feel like those limitations don't mean 'no, it can't happen', but rather 'it might take more time than we'd like' or 'is there another way to solve the same problem'.

In everything that I've seen raised in this thread and several others, I'm honestly disappointed, confused, concerned, sad, and yet still hopeful. I'm disappointed that so many people aren't feeling validated or listened to. I'm confused that my experience has been so different than many, but know that both of our experiences are valid and real. I'm concerned that we're building an us vs. them mentality, rather than remembering that we are all here with the same purpose. I'm sad that so many people I care deeply about and so many people I haven't yet gotten to know have felt hurt or afraid during their time here. And I'm hopeful that we can move forward and grow together from this.

Since I know that I cannot commit to changing a culture, our quality, or anything else single-handedly, I want to commit to what I can. I commit to listening to anyone who wants to talk to me - here in the forums or in my PMs. I commit to trying my hardest to understand your perspective, whether or not we ultimately agree. I commit to respecting your views, to believing your experiences, and to validating your feelings. I commit to working to problem solve with you so that even if neither of our initial ideas work, that we keep building to try to find solutions that solve the problems that we are seeing. I commit to being honest in my own views, whether they agree or disagree with site decisions, with the person talking to me, or even with my own thoughts from a day or a week ago. I commit to being respectful and to caring about you and your perspective. I commit to reexamining my own thoughts and views carefully when we disagree since I acknowledge that I am often wrong or missing a piece of the puzzle. And I commit to continuing to act and speak always with the intent of helping this community.

So again, I want to reiterate that while I am feeling a lot of the same things everyone else is right now - fear, concern, sadness, disappointment, and frustration, I'm also feeling a lot of hope that we can all work together on this and end up much stronger as a community for it. And I hope that I'm not alone in that!

Honestly, if there's one site leader to trust, it's @Anomalia, everyone. She embodies trust, empathy, validation and care to it's utmost best. You will not feel that your feelings are unimportant or invalidated around her, because she is so compassionate and respectful - whether or not she agrees with you. There are few people who work in the forums that are able to talk through difficult discussions without censorship or threats, and Lia is one of them.

Directly to you, Liavely, I just want to take this opportunity to thank you for having my back. You care so much, without being patronising in the slightest. You aren't afraid to speak your mind, but always in the kindest way possible. You hit the nail on the head, making things a lot clearer for everyone. And most of all, you are you and I couldn't ask for a better friend. This post pretty much encapsulates your being - care for others, honest expression and hopefulness.