Welcome to my life. ( possible trigger warning.)
Hello. I'm not sure who will see this but it was suggested that I do this. Welcome to my life. It's a mess. I'm a perfectionist in a house of 9 people. One of my brothers and my dad tease me saying I have OCD. I don't have anyone I can talk too so the pressure just builds untill I blow. I've learnt to expect the worst so that I'll never be let down. I've learnt to hide the pain. I used to write songs to help me cope but then they were found. I was told to burn them and was called dramatic. I hear voices in my head. It is still my voice but I can't controll them. I often look out the window thinking that there has to be more to life than this. But, like the wind, you can see it but can never catch it. There is no one who understands me. I'm the black sheep in every group. It's a battle to get up every morning. Every battle has casualties and feel like I'm dieing bit by bit. My mind is such a mess that I don't even understand it sometimes. I could go on like this for awhile but it's starting to not make sense so I'll bring this to an end. Sorry to anyone who makes thier way through that mess of words.
@Helpme10 I hope you don't mind, I wanted to drop off a little friend for you and wish you a Merry Christmas!
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you very much. the holidays have been tough and you just made them a lot better. I know this is late but Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you too :)
@Helpme10 You're welcome and thank you too! The holidays are hard - I'm sorry they were tough for you too
I loved the lyrics of your latest project!
I need to admit something. I harmed again. I'm tired of the struggles, I'm tired of the pain, I'm tired of failing. I was almost 1 month free and I caved. I know I shouldn't listen to the people/voices that tell me I'm not good enough but they are really hard to ignore sometimes. If anyone reads this can you please share tips on how to keep going. I want to live again, but I don't remember how. I've been burning on energy that was meant to be directed differently. (this is taken from a song but is very accurate.) I need a reason to live. Giving up can not be an option, I made a promise to be there for my sister. I can't sleep and when I do it's haunted by nightmares. I'm getting about 5 hours of broken sleep a night. I'm exhausted. Sorry if this seems like I'm rambling.
@Helpme10 Hey :) It can be really hard to hear that all the time - that voice though - it lies. It twists things around and uses the things we care about the most against us
You're not a failure and you are more than good enough. Maybe you could spend some time with your sister? Do something fun together or something just to spend time with her? Maybe you could work on something together or even just to go have dinner together somewhere?
When things are really rough here I try to remind myself that it won't feel like this forever - it will hopefully pass. I find little things that bring me comfort - going for a walk - watching the wildlife - playing with the dog
I'm sorry you're having trouble with nightmares and sleeping - being tired makes everything worse - maybe there's something that brings you comfort? An object or even maybe a scent that helps? They have oil diffusers that can help. Or if it's the same or similar nightmare and you can remember it - you can write it out - sometimes writing it down can help. I try to make sure the stress level is really low here - I watch videos to ease anxiety before bed - I try not to force sleep too. If you can't fall asleep right way - get up and do something quiet until you feel tired again. Make your room a sanctuary for sleep - maybe try some different lighting or move your bed differently? Maybe if you can take a nap- especially if you're really tired - sometimes being over tired can make nightmares worse
I hope things get better for you đź’™
@mytwistedsoul
Sorry for the late reply. Thank you for both your advise and comfort. You always seem to know what to say. I'll try to keep these suggestions in mind.
P.S. As I am reading this short note I'm realizing it seems cold and formal. I don't know why my brain is suddenly working in this manner. Sorry.
It's time for me to share a story. This is one of the most defining moments of my not very long life. I mentioned this in my last post and I want to sure the full story.
It was the winter of 2019, three years ago. My sister was born a few weeks before new years. She was a beautiful little spark of joy in the midst of my chaos. I can’t explain it adequately but there was something about her that made my heart melt. I had gone for so long trying to bury my emotions because they only caused me pain but to this day every time I look at her it softens the sting of life. I think this happened in January Though it might have been February. I was rocking her and she had fallen asleep. The problem entered in the form of my dad. He was in one of his moods that day so most of the family had tried to make the house perfectly clean so that nothing would trigger him. Unfortunately someone (I don’t remember who) put a water bottle down for a moment while they went to the bathroom. It wasn’t the flimsy plastic kind you by in bulk, it was the larger, reusable kind. This was the moment when my dad decided to emerge. It didn’t take him long to spot the bottle and predictably got angry. He grabbed the bottle and yelled his typical when are you guys going to learn to clean up after yourselves, and then threw it at me. I raised my hand and stopped it from hitting my sister in the head. I could tell that there was a fair amount of water in it and my wrist hurt for awhile afterwards. At that moment I made her a promise, a promise to never leave her, to be there for her, to be the steady hand she would need. She in turn, through this promise saved me. If it were not for that moment I would have shut myself in again or worse. I continue to wear a mask so she won’t see the pain, but I hope someday I can tell her that she saved my life.
I've failed again. I've cut. I'm feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. How can I get back on my feet when my head is spinning so quickly? I can't seem to reach out, the mere thought terrifies me. I know I need to find someone to talk to about this, but I've been suffering in silence for so long and I can't break the spell. Now my arms bleed from my blade and there are tears behind my eyes.