Welcome to my life. ( possible trigger warning.)
Hello. I'm not sure who will see this but it was suggested that I do this. Welcome to my life. It's a mess. I'm a perfectionist in a house of 9 people. One of my brothers and my dad tease me saying I have OCD. I don't have anyone I can talk too so the pressure just builds untill I blow. I've learnt to expect the worst so that I'll never be let down. I've learnt to hide the pain. I used to write songs to help me cope but then they were found. I was told to burn them and was called dramatic. I hear voices in my head. It is still my voice but I can't controll them. I often look out the window thinking that there has to be more to life than this. But, like the wind, you can see it but can never catch it. There is no one who understands me. I'm the black sheep in every group. It's a battle to get up every morning. Every battle has casualties and feel like I'm dieing bit by bit. My mind is such a mess that I don't even understand it sometimes. I could go on like this for awhile but it's starting to not make sense so I'll bring this to an end. Sorry to anyone who makes thier way through that mess of words.
@mytwistedsoul
You told me I can tag you and I just remembered to. Sorry for doing it so late.
@Helpme10 Hey :) thanks for the tag - its ok I didn't mean to make you feel pressured or anything - how are you today?
Internalizing your pain becomes a defence mechanism. I wish I had someone who I could take the mask of for. There are some people I know who don't understand why I don't tell them anything anymore. Lets see if this explanation makes sense. Every time you see through a crack in my mask you shoot me down and tell me not to be a baby. Is it really that complicated?
Whu are you trying to play my heart strings. Why can't you see that it stings. How can you act like everything is alright? When all we ever do is fight. I thought that you should know. At one point you were my hero. But I guess that people change. Don't you think it's kind of strange. That your often a guest in my nightmares. Right beside the ogres and the bears. You don't care so why pretend? I just want this pain to end. And you don't care so why this game? Nothing will ever be the same. And your so blind, you can't see. You're the one that's killing me! (Part of a song I wrote)
You say you love me. I don't believe it. You tear me down and call me names and then wonder why I get upset. You don't understand me and don't take the time to. You get upset that I don't hug you goodnight when last time I tried yoi smacked me around. You say you love me and I can talk to you about anything but then you tel me I'm stupid and ignorant. You've changed. I used to be able to tell you about my nightmares and now I can't even tell you That I outgrew my clothes. Why do you keep trying to tell me about your love? Your actions speak louder then your words and they say you don't care. I'm not a little kid that will jump in your arms if you say sorry anymore. You don't even say sorry anymore. I miss the person you used to be. I want that father back again.
Possible trigger warning. Just a quick question for those who might be reading. Is it normal for old cutting scars to start hurting again?
@Helpme10 Hey :) Yes they can hurt. Some times long after they have healed. Usually because the nerve endings have started to regenerate and they take forever it seems like. I have a few that itch or are sore sometimes and they're a year old or more.
Sometimes massaging them or putting something cool on them can help some. But only if the massaging doesn't trigger you
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you. It's a relief to know that there isn't something wrong underneath the skin. Putting something cold does help alot thank you for the tip.
@Helpme10 You're welcome :) I'm glad holding something cold on them helps. If it gets worse or if it starts to really cause you problems - I would maybe it get checked by a doctor
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts :)
People use the words losing thier mind way to often. Someone forgets something they say they're "losing thier mind." they don't know what it's like to lose thier mind. They don't know what it's like to start seeing and hearing things that aren't there. I wish people wouldn't use the phrase so freely when they don't know what it's like to go insane. You don't go to sleep even though you're exausted because you've been having the same two nightmares for week. Every night you look around the room to assure yourself there are no creatures that are going to jump at you. But when you least expect it you see one jump from the shadows. None of it is real but you still see it. You hear people behind you all the time. I won't even begin on the nightmares. It's been awhile since I saw the last creature but I still look. The nightmares are still frequent and I'm tired of them. Losing your mind is not something to say lightly.
@Helpme10. It makes sense to me. I've often been on the outside of groups too and it's hard and painful. I care about you whether I know you or not and you can always find support here. You are a valuable and worthwhile person and don't let anyone including yourself tell you otherwise.
I've been gone for a really long time. (about one year?) I've changed a lot. I've discovered a new love for music and that has helped me cope. I haven't cut in about 1 1/2 months. I'm still alone and I'm still fighting to heal but I'm feeling stronger now. I still hurt and I have way to many weak moments but I feel like I can fight and that makes a big difference. My songs and stories are my release (though sometimes inadequate.) I've learnt the valuable skill of slipping between the cracks. It's much more comfortable being ignored.
@Helpme10 Hey stranger :) it's nice to see you! Congratulations on the month and a half! That's awesome!
Music has been a life saver at times for me - Idk where I'd be without it. Do you like a certain type or do you sort of listen to alittle of everything?
I know what you mean about being more comfortable with being ignored. I think I do better at just being invisible most days myself
@mytwistedsoul
Hello Soul. How are you doing? I looked for your thread but couldn't find it.
In answer to your question, I listen to pretty much everything except for most heavy metal. A lot of the time it's things I wrote myself though.
@Helpme10 Hey :) I'm hanging in there I guess. Thank you for asking. I had my threads deleted a few weeks ago because I was having trouble with someone. I'm trying to get them back but haven't heard from anyone just yet. If I don't soon - I might just make a new one
Thats' right! I'm sorry - I forgot you write your own music! Which is so cool btw! It's a good way for you to express yourself. I'm really glad you have this for yourself
How are you? How are things at home and school? Are you still having trouble with the anxiety and depression? And your father? Have things gotten any better with him? Sorry to ask so many questions - it's a habit lol
Stay awesome!
@mytwistedsoul
You never have to apologize for asking questions here. I haven't really seen my dad since the beginning of summer. His job put him on a night shift and I got a job working on a farm. I was working while he was still in bed and when I got home he had already left for his job. He's back on mornings now but school work has been keeping me out of his way. That explains the home front to in a way. I've been keeping my self busy. My struggles with depression will probably last me a lifetime. It's always there waiting to strike when I'm at my weakest. Anxiety is a little more confusing. Sometimes I can speak to a group, and other times I've found that I rubbed my knuckles raw without realizing. My working theory is that it depends how much mental preparation I have beforehand. If I have nearly every detail planned out than I can proceed with a thin veneer of confidence. My head is more twisted than a snake pit, so this might not be the proper explanation.
If you do end up starting another thread can you please tag me?
@Helpme10 I'm glad to hear that you're keeping yourself busy. It helps - at least it does here. Passes the time anyway. In a way it's good that you're able to keep away from him but at the same time it has to suck because he should be someone that you can trust to be able to go to but I also understand why their the one's who can't be trusted
Depression and anxiety - I'm allways saying that I don't think it's fair to be able to have both. But you're right - depression hits when we're at our weakest and does seem to be something that alot of people struggle with for a lifetime - I guess maybe because it doesn't take much sometimes for us to start that slide when things start going wrong - that light at the end of the tunnel gets snuff out real quick. Anxiety hits at some of the weirdest times - I can be ok for a while and it can totally hit me off guard. Your explanation makes alot of sense though - if you're prepared for everything it would make you feel more confident - kind of like on a test - if you study real hard you'll do ok but if you just wing it - there's a good chance it won't go as well. And maybe that mental preparation is something that's calming for you - like taking deep breaths or something?
I can definitely tag you :)
Have you ever sailed my seas? or fought my minds disease? Go ahead and take the prow, if you think that you know how. I have never let you see, the that crash over me. I've fought my battles all alone, and through this war I have grown. You weren't the one who held the knife, you never helped me with my life. Before you go I'll have you know, I never meant for this to show.
My latest project.
Verse 1; You took my wings, tied me to the ground, now your asking why I don’t fly.
With all these things, you use to hold me down, tell me why should I try.
You made these chains, put them around my mind, asked why I never speak.
You caused me pain, peace is hard to find, treated me like I’m a freak
Chorus; I want to run away from here, I want to fight away this fear.
I want to soar above the clouds, the gentle breeze the only sound.
Just let me go let me be free, Let me know the peace of certainty.
Verse 2; You didn’t hold the knife, but you still made me bleed, you left me with scars.
You caused me strife, I followed the lead, tried to escape these bars.
With bursting lungs, drowning in this sea, try to get out with this ladder.
With broken rungs, fighting this disease, tell me does it really matter.
Bridge; Is this everything, will I ever be more.
What can I bring, what is this pain for.
Heal the suffering, and these open sores.
