Welcome to my life. ( possible trigger warning.)

Possible trigger warning. Just a quick question for those who might be reading. Is it normal for old cutting scars to start hurting again?

@Helpme10 Hey :) Yes they can hurt. Some times long after they have healed. Usually because the nerve endings have started to regenerate and they take forever it seems like. I have a few that itch or are sore sometimes and they're a year old or more.

Sometimes massaging them or putting something cool on them can help some. But only if the massaging doesn't trigger you

@mytwistedsoul

Thank you. It's a relief to know that there isn't something wrong underneath the skin. Putting something cold does help alot thank you for the tip.

@Helpme10 You're welcome :) I'm glad holding something cold on them helps. If it gets worse or if it starts to really cause you problems - I would maybe it get checked by a doctor

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts :)

People use the words losing thier mind way to often. Someone forgets something they say they're "losing thier mind." they don't know what it's like to lose thier mind. They don't know what it's like to start seeing and hearing things that aren't there. I wish people wouldn't use the phrase so freely when they don't know what it's like to go insane. You don't go to sleep even though you're exausted because you've been having the same two nightmares for week. Every night you look around the room to assure yourself there are no creatures that are going to jump at you. But when you least expect it you see one jump from the shadows. None of it is real but you still see it. You hear people behind you all the time. I won't even begin on the nightmares. It's been awhile since I saw the last creature but I still look. The nightmares are still frequent and I'm tired of them. Losing your mind is not something to say lightly.

@Helpme10. It makes sense to me. I've often been on the outside of groups too and it's hard and painful. I care about you whether I know you or not and you can always find support here. You are a valuable and worthwhile person and don't let anyone including yourself tell you otherwise.

I've been gone for a really long time. (about one year?) I've changed a lot. I've discovered a new love for music and that has helped me cope. I haven't cut in about 1 1/2 months. I'm still alone and I'm still fighting to heal but I'm feeling stronger now. I still hurt and I have way to many weak moments but I feel like I can fight and that makes a big difference. My songs and stories are my release (though sometimes inadequate.) I've learnt the valuable skill of slipping between the cracks. It's much more comfortable being ignored.

@Helpme10 Hey stranger :) it's nice to see you! Congratulations on the month and a half! That's awesome!

Music has been a life saver at times for me - Idk where I'd be without it. Do you like a certain type or do you sort of listen to alittle of everything?

I know what you mean about being more comfortable with being ignored. I think I do better at just being invisible most days myself

@mytwistedsoul

Hello Soul. How are you doing? I looked for your thread but couldn't find it.

In answer to your question, I listen to pretty much everything except for most heavy metal. A lot of the time it's things I wrote myself though.

@Helpme10 Hey :) I'm hanging in there I guess. Thank you for asking. I had my threads deleted a few weeks ago because I was having trouble with someone. I'm trying to get them back but haven't heard from anyone just yet. If I don't soon - I might just make a new one

Thats' right! I'm sorry - I forgot you write your own music! Which is so cool btw! It's a good way for you to express yourself. I'm really glad you have this for yourself

How are you? How are things at home and school? Are you still having trouble with the anxiety and depression? And your father? Have things gotten any better with him? Sorry to ask so many questions - it's a habit lol

Stay awesome!

@mytwistedsoul

You never have to apologize for asking questions here. I haven't really seen my dad since the beginning of summer. His job put him on a night shift and I got a job working on a farm. I was working while he was still in bed and when I got home he had already left for his job. He's back on mornings now but school work has been keeping me out of his way. That explains the home front to in a way. I've been keeping my self busy. My struggles with depression will probably last me a lifetime. It's always there waiting to strike when I'm at my weakest. Anxiety is a little more confusing. Sometimes I can speak to a group, and other times I've found that I rubbed my knuckles raw without realizing. My working theory is that it depends how much mental preparation I have beforehand. If I have nearly every detail planned out than I can proceed with a thin veneer of confidence. My head is more twisted than a snake pit, so this might not be the proper explanation.

If you do end up starting another thread can you please tag me?

@Helpme10 I'm glad to hear that you're keeping yourself busy. It helps - at least it does here. Passes the time anyway. In a way it's good that you're able to keep away from him but at the same time it has to suck because he should be someone that you can trust to be able to go to but I also understand why their the one's who can't be trusted

Depression and anxiety - I'm allways saying that I don't think it's fair to be able to have both. But you're right - depression hits when we're at our weakest and does seem to be something that alot of people struggle with for a lifetime - I guess maybe because it doesn't take much sometimes for us to start that slide when things start going wrong - that light at the end of the tunnel gets snuff out real quick. Anxiety hits at some of the weirdest times - I can be ok for a while and it can totally hit me off guard. Your explanation makes alot of sense though - if you're prepared for everything it would make you feel more confident - kind of like on a test - if you study real hard you'll do ok but if you just wing it - there's a good chance it won't go as well. And maybe that mental preparation is something that's calming for you - like taking deep breaths or something?

I can definitely tag you :)

Have you ever sailed my seas? or fought my minds disease? Go ahead and take the prow, if you think that you know how. I have never let you see, the that crash over me. I've fought my battles all alone, and through this war I have grown. You weren't the one who held the knife, you never helped me with my life. Before you go I'll have you know, I never meant for this to show.

the waves* that crash over me.

My latest project.

Verse 1; You took my wings, tied me to the ground, now your asking why I don’t fly.

With all these things, you use to hold me down, tell me why should I try.

You made these chains, put them around my mind, asked why I never speak.

You caused me pain, peace is hard to find, treated me like I’m a freak

Chorus; I want to run away from here, I want to fight away this fear.

I want to soar above the clouds, the gentle breeze the only sound.

Just let me go let me be free, Let me know the peace of certainty.

Verse 2; You didn’t hold the knife, but you still made me bleed, you left me with scars.

You caused me strife, I followed the lead, tried to escape these bars.

With bursting lungs, drowning in this sea, try to get out with this ladder.

With broken rungs, fighting this disease, tell me does it really matter.

Bridge; Is this everything, will I ever be more.

What can I bring, what is this pain for.

Heal the suffering, and these open sores.

@Helpme10 I hope you don't mind, I wanted to drop off a little friend for you and wish you a Merry Christmas!

@mytwistedsoul

Thank you very much. the holidays have been tough and you just made them a lot better. I know this is late but Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you too :)

@Helpme10 You're welcome and thank you too! The holidays are hard - I'm sorry they were tough for you too

I loved the lyrics of your latest project!

I need to admit something. I harmed again. I'm tired of the struggles, I'm tired of the pain, I'm tired of failing. I was almost 1 month free and I caved. I know I shouldn't listen to the people/voices that tell me I'm not good enough but they are really hard to ignore sometimes. If anyone reads this can you please share tips on how to keep going. I want to live again, but I don't remember how. I've been burning on energy that was meant to be directed differently. (this is taken from a song but is very accurate.) I need a reason to live. Giving up can not be an option, I made a promise to be there for my sister. I can't sleep and when I do it's haunted by nightmares. I'm getting about 5 hours of broken sleep a night. I'm exhausted. Sorry if this seems like I'm rambling.

@Helpme10 Hey :) It can be really hard to hear that all the time - that voice though - it lies. It twists things around and uses the things we care about the most against us

@mytwistedsoul

Sorry for the late reply. Thank you for both your advise and comfort. You always seem to know what to say. I'll try to keep these suggestions in mind.

P.S. As I am reading this short note I'm realizing it seems cold and formal. I don't know why my brain is suddenly working in this manner. Sorry.

@Helpme10 Hey You :) No worries ok? It didn't seem cold or formal and even if it is - we all have days like that ❤️

Your sister is very lucky to have you in her life

It's time for me to share a story. This is one of the most defining moments of my not very long life. I mentioned this in my last post and I want to sure the full story.

It was the winter of 2019, three years ago. My sister was born a few weeks before new years. She was a beautiful little spark of joy in the midst of my chaos. I can’t explain it adequately but there was something about her that made my heart melt. I had gone for so long trying to bury my emotions because they only caused me pain but to this day every time I look at her it softens the sting of life. I think this happened in January Though it might have been February. I was rocking her and she had fallen asleep. The problem entered in the form of my dad. He was in one of his moods that day so most of the family had tried to make the house perfectly clean so that nothing would trigger him. Unfortunately someone (I don’t remember who) put a water bottle down for a moment while they went to the bathroom. It wasn’t the flimsy plastic kind you by in bulk, it was the larger, reusable kind. This was the moment when my dad decided to emerge. It didn’t take him long to spot the bottle and predictably got angry. He grabbed the bottle and yelled his typical when are you guys going to learn to clean up after yourselves, and then threw it at me. I raised my hand and stopped it from hitting my sister in the head. I could tell that there was a fair amount of water in it and my wrist hurt for awhile afterwards. At that moment I made her a promise, a promise to never leave her, to be there for her, to be the steady hand she would need. She in turn, through this promise saved me. If it were not for that moment I would have shut myself in again or worse. I continue to wear a mask so she won’t see the pain, but I hope someday I can tell her that she saved my life.

I've failed again. I've cut. I'm feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. How can I get back on my feet when my head is spinning so quickly? I can't seem to reach out, the mere thought terrifies me. I know I need to find someone to talk to about this, but I've been suffering in silence for so long and I can't break the spell. Now my arms bleed from my blade and there are tears behind my eyes.

Sorry, I needed to rant.