Self-jarm thoughts, help

@theriverissinging

Today the uni courses of this new year started so i hope i'll have less time to ruminate and overthink, though at the end of the lessons I was exahusted, but I guess it's normal, I need to adapt again to this routine, and the last weeks were emotionally draining, I need to be kind with myself.

It stresses me a lot the thought of asking my parents to do one session of therapy together. I know it might be a good opportunity to talk about issues we need to face, but maybe I can ask my therapist a bit more time? There's nothing wrong if I changed my mind, right? I'm scared that doing a session together might make me feel even more heavy. Also, i have no idea of what might come out from such session, I don't know if my therapist has some questions she knows she wants to do to us already, and not knowing what discussions could generate scares me. I don't feel ready (though I'll never feel ready probably...)

Change... I'm scared, I'm terrified of change and at the same time I like it and I wish I could pursue it to grow better. Surely the first thing I'd like to change is the stress living with my family is causing me and also how much I'm unsure of myself and my capabilities.

Oh yes! I have many songs I can connect with in that kind of way, and they change periodically through time while I get older. Some time ago they made me feel bad though: I used to feel like those songs were talking about something so heavy, a pain so raw, and I wasn't entitled to even listen to them, so it was impossible and horrible i could relate to something like this, it wasn't my place, my emotions couldn't resonate with those songs.

@Sonnenschein2000

Oh, I started with my semester too today (though I don't know if I shall continue)! I hope so too. Yeah that makes sense, adapting to it might need time, yay for kindness towards yourself!

Understandable to be stressed, yeah, you can ask for more time! Maybe it's not about "wrong" or "right" but that how you feel about it matters. I sense discomfort and uncertainty about what might come, which is okay. You said you don't feel ready at the moment and you'll probably never feel ready, how does that make you feel or want you to go about the situation?

I get being terrified of change and also looking forward to it. Family stress, being unsure of yourself and your capabilities plus other things we've been talking about such as self-harm and change sounds like a lot to deal with at the same time.

I can only imagine feeling invalidated by yourself like that, you did resonate with the songs and the emotions but it might have felt like why even is that happening, if I'm getting that correctly?

Know that you are valid and I have so much love for ya! <3

@theriverissinging

Good luck! I really hope you'll be able to continue if you like what you are studying, or if instead you'd prefer to stop it's okay too, whatever the reason.

Yesterday I managed to tell my therapist that Just wanted to do just a session with her alone, and thankfully she said yes, it's not a problem if I need more time. I know it was just my nervousness, but I was really anxious she might have said no though obviously she would have never said so.

As I said I don't know if I'll ever feel ready, but at least I'd like to approach it when I feel even just a little bit more calm than how I am right now. Maybe after this session I'll be more sure.

Yes, you are correct. Now I don't feel this kind of big guilt when I listen to these songs but there were moments where it was heartbreaking, and idk if it might come back, because anyway I invalidating myself is a bad habit I have and yeah I don't do it with songs but it is still there in other forms.

Take care of you!

@Sonnenschein2000

I'm so sorry about the awful response timing lol, I somehow lost the notification again and got busy with things.

Thank you for being so kind. <3

Glad you could tell your therapist and she agreed. You can take your time, it's good to understand what you might need before feeling "ready". How are you doing now?

I understand it can be hard, I hope you're allowing yourself to feel, it's okay. <3

Take care of yourself too! Let me know how the next session goes and anything else you might want to say.

I'm sorry about the time again, sigh.

@theriverissinging

It's okay! Really I understand, i hope you're doing well.

I had the session this morning! It went good yeah we realized that maybe I need to talk more about myself rather than about my family. Yes family is an important part of me, but there are also many other things.

I feel bad though, I feel like I don't want to grow, I don't want to take care of the house or myself or my other responsabilities, I just want to do nothing, I want to keep feeling worse, I just want to be able to cut more deep, even when I'm fine and nothing's wrong and I don't have any negative emotion on the surface.

And all of this is very immature of me...

@Sonnenschein2000

I'm doing okay, thank you!

Good to know. "Yes family is an important part of me, but there are also many other things." - I agree. You can talk there about whatever you'd like really.

It's hard to take care of the house or yourself or do any of your responsibilities. I understand wanting to do nothing and keep feeling worse. I also understand the self-harm urges. I do not have the answers or can fix it for you but I'm here for you. <3

What makes you feel it is immature - like do you think there's a supposed time period in which you should be able to achieve/do certain things, or because you feel you want to avoid responsibilities or? What would growth look like for you?

@theriverissinging

I'm glad you're doing okay!

Just being here with me it's an enormous thing you are doing and I'm thankful for it. I don't even expect you to fix it, that's not your responsibility.

Keeping myself busy it's the only way to stop thinking about self-harm, and I know it, but yeah some days it's hard just starting things, the first step is the hard one, because then I even do the stuff I have to do, though it depends on how difficult the task is. Yesterday for example I purposely stayed at home alone just to relapse, and I could only think I wasn't relapsing enough "well". Thankfully today I'm busy!

Everything makes me feel immature. The fact that I want to do nothing and feel worse, the responsibilities I neglect or procrastinate, the expectations of the achievements that I should reach for a certain age.

I guess growth to me looks like doing what makes me feel uncomfortable despite the fear and shyness, moving beyond my self imposed limits and worries about the future, but it's hard if I feel like I make only mistakes everytime I try to take a step forward and so I end up retreating.

@Sonnenschein2000

I know you understand and I'm thankful for these conversations too.

I get how being busy helps to not think about self-harm. The initial steps are definitely hard because they ask you to do things by getting out of the "familiarity" around you. Yeah, I feel you, it's hard. :/

I get that and relate heavily. Just the fact that you're worried about it tells me you care. You're not alone, you're really not. I'm with you.

And yes, I relate to what you said about growth too. It's okay to be uncomfortable or afraid or shy or have limiting beliefs about yourself or be worried or make mistakes. None of those things is inherently "bad", it's human and it is very real! I'll be here with you if something ends up going wrong too.

Do you feel comfortable or perhaps I could say do you feel like taking small steps ahead towards whatever it is that you'd like to accomplish / see for yourself? (It's okay to make mistakes in the way, nobody is perfect.) Know that whatever you decide is okay and I'll be here to support you always. <3

@theriverissinging

Thank you for your understanding and your support! Knowing you are here it's comforting. When I red your words I was nearly crying ahah.

It depens on the days, some days I feel like I could conquer the world and other days I just want to do nothing, I'm trying to take it day by day, and maybe letting people know I need their support while doing some things. I'm trying to do little things despite the big worries I have, but I always feel like it's not enough.

I was wondering: maybe I feel like I need pain because many people around me are in pain and I need to demonstrate I'm in pain too? Which sounds silly, but yeah maybe I do it to connect and to belong with them, because otherwise i'd feel guilty about being too happy in comparison (even if they don't know how much I'm hurting), because I need to suffer in life, it's like if I don't suffer then I'm less than other people. But all of this argument is still something that makes me believe my pain is not genuine, I mean, I always end up here. My pain is always a contruction, a fake lie. Maybe I give it too much importance?

Some listeners ask me if i think I deserve pain when I s-h, and I aways reply that no, i don't think so, but maybe unconsciously I do?

I change mood so easily these days, I feel like my thoughts and the environment control my emotions more than I control them.

I need self-harm. I need a proof. I need a story to tell. I need a reason to say I feel low or to ask for help. I need to hurt, I'm not enough as a person if I'm not hurting, if I don't have struggles to face.

Oh and I always doubt my kindness. I mean I always ask myself, am I kind because I want to gain something from it (whether it is love/recognition/validation/feeling good and so on)? If so, how do I know it when I do it?

Does this make me a bad person?

Some days I think maybe I do it because I know how hard it is and I want to be there for people, or because there is all this love I should give myself but cannot, so I give it to people who need it, is it selfish? Is it a bad reason to behave like this?

I'm studying psychology to get a degree, I'm scared I'm on the wrong track. What if being a therapist is not for me even if like studying this subject? How do I know it? Maybe I'm doing it exactly for the reasons that make me a bad person?

@Sonnenschein2000

Aw :') I'm always here.

I think I relate to switching between those feelings of conquering the world and doing nothing. Trying to take it day by day and communicating about your needs sounds good to me. Baby steps are okay and appreciated!

Well I relate to that. I can't stand not suffering. There is a thing called a good day and it might exist but yes, it's hard to make sense of it and how you really feel about it since that could vary too.

Ah yes, that's what I meant. The mood swings are tiring and confusing. :\

"I need self-harm. I need a proof. I need a story to tell. I need a reason to say I feel low or to ask for help." - I am out of words to say here but uh, same. I get that.

I don't have the answers to those questions, but again, I relate. Are you looking for reassurance? Are you trying to invalidate a part of you here? Do you think you are selfish? Do you think kindness can be masked and in case it can be, can that be categorised as a good/bad thing? Are there any grey areas here? Is there some more context to this? - there are no direct or easy answers to these questions and you don't have to answer, just thought listing something like this would be helpful? Just so you know, I personally don't think there are any right/wrong answers to these and I'm not going to judge you. What I can contribute to this - you are human and you are so valid. I have some similar traits/thoughts/feelings/behaviours myself.

Future is scary and unpredictable, so that makes sense. What if being a therapist is/isn't for you?

Sending you love. I see you beyond any struggles that you may have, you are human and it's okay to feel all these things. You might be aware of a school of thought in psychology, "the whole is greater than the sum of its parts" (keeping the whole debate aside on who said it lol). <3

@theriverissinging

Hey! Sorry for my late reply, I had a surgery this wednesday (good thing is I don't think i'll self-harm for these next weeks exactly because of this, but actually it makes me scared because if I don't sh then I cannot talk about it, or at least that's what my brain tells me).

I'm sorry to know you relate, yes it's good because at least we are not alone, but I'm sorry, I know it's not easy.

As always thank you for your words, I'll think about your question and see if I can find some answers. I'd like to reply now, but the surgery it's testing my energy and I can't put myself into writing long stuff right now.

Despite being tired due to this recent surgery I'm still trying to support my friends and it's getting draining thinking about them all day, even when there's nothing much I can do, I mean anyway their life, struggles and emotions are not my responsability, right? I know this very well, but I feel like I never do enough, like I'm the only one who can properly take care of them, though I know it's not real, but I'm scared if I don't stay near them then it means I'm leaving them all alone, I'm scared it might be my fault.

So yup I guess i have a HUGE problem with helping/supporting people and being kind and all that stuff, I hope I'll be able to discuss it with therapist asap.

aahah oh yeah I know well that school of thought, nice to know you know them as well!

Have a nice day/night!

@Sonnenschein2000

Hello.

I hope the surgery went well and you're doing okay.

You can talk about sh or anything else whenever you feel like, I'd be glad to listen to you. Please feel free to share as much and as little as you'd like.

It's okay <3 you're not alone for sure.

As I said, you don't have to reply and I hope those questions did not stress you out, that wasn't my intent but I can understand if that happened. Take your time with it all, I'm here.

I can understand that the surgery would be tiring and it is even more exhausting to be there for your friends, it makes sense. I get why you'd feel that way. But I think that you do care for yourself as well as your friends, in your own capacity and ways.

Something I'd like to say is it is not easy to be kind / not be kind. I hope you can discuss this with your therapist whenever you please.

I'm rooting for your recovery. <3

@theriverissinging

Hey! Sorry for my late reply, I needed some time. How are you?

Physically I'm recovering slowly but even now I'm much more active than some days ago (hey!).

This morning I tried telling my friends I'm not that much okay, but I felt my legs tensed so much after and before I did it.

Also I feel my chest is heavy, like there's something big inside but at the same time there's also nothing. It's empty but heavy nonetheless. If makes me want to punch my own chest just to stop feeling like this. It doesn't hurt though, it doesn't physically hurt, but it's tight and I have this sensation that it's hard to breathe, as if I'm not getting enough air in my lungs.

This doesn't happen always, some moments I also feel great, but yeah when it happens it's annoying.

I'm trying to take care of myself but I'm also trying to study when I can.

Take care you!! :3

@Sonnenschein2000

Hello! As I have said before, you can take your time and that is not an issue at all. <3

I'm doing okay, thank you for asking!

Mhmm, that's some progress and wishing you the best. ^^

I can imagine that would have been hard. I can see why it'd feel all tense and your body feeling so too.

"It's empty but heavy nonetheless" - very much understandable. Does what you described help you feel better? I get feeling tight and "out of breath" in a way. Sometimes, I forget to just breathe and when I do that - like on some counts or mindfully doing it - it helps a bit. Is there anything that helps you or you think could help you with that?

I hear that you've been trying to take care of yourself and also study among other things. It can be a struggle to focus on or give appropriate attention to so many things at once. But you're still trying.

Thank you, will try as well haha.

Lots of love! <3

@theriverissinging

Yesterday I tried relaxing and stay warm, I watched tv series for two hours and distracting my mind helped me a lot. I was feeling like if I had given someone my attetion I could have broken on the spot, I didn't have the energy to do nothing, but think of myself, and I did it, and I felt much better after takig care of me!

The problem is that now everytime I try to talk about this or if I think about telling it to my therapist I'm scared I'm exaggerating, I'm scared I invented everything, like it was not real because it cannot be. It's really hard to have to fight to believe myself.

lots of love to you too :3

@Sonnenschein2000

Hi!

Good to know distracting yourself by watching a series helped a lot! It is nice to hear you felt much better after taking care of yourself - sometimes it's hard to muster up the courage and energy but you did it.

I can understand why you'd feel so - like you're exaggerating or inventing or it's just not real. I really get that it's hard to constantly have to spend time and energy on understanding your reality and believing it. Proud of you for making it through every single day! What do you usually tell yourself when something like this happens, if you'd like to share?

Take care and know that I'm here for you. <33

Pokes chein (no hurry to reply), hope you're okay ❤️

@theriverissinging

I'm sorry I didn't reply to you...

Last week I never sh, but I don't feel neither good morning bad about it, just disappointed maybe.

Honestly I don't know. It all feels pointless. I'm wasting my life and I'm doing nothing to change it, which makes me feel guilty and irritated because I should be doing something!!

Talking doesn't help anymore, but I guess I need support anyway. I just feel stupid because I do nothing good all day and I just complain without making an effort to get better and I don't even know what is the problem, and even if I would know, I don't if it would help anyway.

@Sonnenschein2000

It is okay, nothing to apologize about.

I can relate to feeling indifferent about it. Identifying that you're low-key disappointed is also a step, in my opinion. Also relate to not having a pro-active approach at times but feeling so many things about it. I can understand feeling guilty and frustrated, it is hard.

I also relate to talking not helping haha, that is okay. And yes, you still deserve support, it can come in various forms and not just talking! I'm here for you, let me know how we can make the most out of this. If you don't know, that is as much okay.

Sending love and comfort. <3

@theriverissinging

Hey!

I wanted to let you know that I started to go out and attend uni lessons again. I'm happy! I missed going out this much.

Though going to the thrapist helps a bit, it always makes me feel stressed, so it does harm too. And I'm always too tired to study. I feel the need to always keep thinking and processing stuff before and after the sessions and it makes me so stressed.

Two days ago my father yelled at my sister while he was "helping" her doing homeworks and this made all the emotions I have regarding my father yelling come back. I shouted at him back because I was angry and mad at him for his behaviors. We didn't talk about what happened, I don't think he is mature enough to do the first step and honestly now I'm still too mad to have a resonable talk with him so I'm waiting.

I know I have to overcome my resentment and anger toward my father, because otherwise I'm letting these emotions eating me alive from inside out, but it's exahusting. Honestly working on myself it's draining me... and I'm tired byt the fact that it takes so much time and energy, though I know it's okay. I feel like I'm not moving that much forward and I feel the pressure because I'm studying psychology so at the end of the deegree I should I be over all my issues or something like this if I'll ever want to be a good therapist.

@Sonnenschein2000

Hiya!

Happy for you! Going out definitely changes things and I am glad it is having a good effect on you.

Therapy can sure be hard and I can understand that it would be exhausting. It can be uncomfortable at times.

It seems like there are a lot of difficult emotions involved when it comes your father and there's stuff that needs unpacking too. I can understand that this is tough work, I'm proud of you for coming this far! I'm sure it isn't easy. And oh, I so relate to "I should be over my issues in this time period". Buutttt, here are some things to consider if you may - 1] What does healing mean to you? 2] Therapists can have mental illnesses and struggles too and many do but sure, ideally their own struggles shouldn't be interfering. 3] It's okay. <33

@theriverissinging

Hey, how are you doing?

I managed to tell my father I want to have a session with the therapist with him, to talk to him and he said he's okay with it. I'm glad he accepted and I'm far less angry now so I'm calmer, but still the fact that he behaves good now makes me even more angry because it's like then I have no reason to be mad at him or something like it. But anyway, I'm working through this stuff, so okay, it just takes time.

I haven't self-harmed in two weeks and okay but everytime I look at my scars I'm disappointed. They are too little, not enough big. I mean if I had to harm myself could I at least do a good job?? I feel so bad, I wish I could self-harm just to finally make a damage that feels like it's enough. I'm so disappointed at myself. I hate my scars because they feel so stupid. I'm not doing it just because my mum found out and I'm not good at lying to her, I hate it, damn I want to be free to harm myself so much everytime I look at my thighs. I don't want anyone to see my scars! I'm not ready. And I know I can hide them for months, no one knows about it, but still I feel like if other people saw they'd be disappointed or ashamed too, both because I sh, but also because they are too little and stupid.

This is my body and I have to see them anyway, which is both comforting and horrible. I know I'm reperitive maybe. Sorry.

I really hope you are doing good and you are taking care of yourself,

I send you so much love

@Sonnenschein2000

Heyyy! I'm doing, thanks.

That is great to know, I am really proud of you for doing that. And I understand, we want reasons but when we try to look for them and can't find any, that adds up to distress - yes, it might take time and you acknowledge that. Let me know how that goes - only if you're comfortable of course.

I get what you're trying to say. Your feelings are valid, your concerns are valid too. The "mixed" feelings make a lot of sense. I'm just glad you're sharing it, you can be repetitive (if you feel like it is) here without having to apologise.

Thank you for all the love haha, I send you so much love back!

@theriverissinging

Thank you so much.

Yesterday I had a session with the therapist and it was weird, she wanted to talk about my childhood. She thinks that's why I self-harm now, but I don't like the fact that she connects my childhood to my self-harm. I don't why, I guess any answer she could try to give me, I wouldn't like it.

I mean yes my childhood was a bit hard, but it was completely normal! It was fine, a normal childhood. I don't have a problem with it. Still I'm not so sure, she's making me doubt. And I hate it. I don't know if I have emotional wounds I need to heal, or if these wounds are already healed good and she's trying to opening them again, which wouldn't be much healthy. I don't know. I'm confused.

And now another person in my life is having troubles: My friends is getting hurt by her mother, she hits her physically. Being near her while I have to secretly face my own issues it's hard. I don't want to leave her alone, but anyway there's nothing much I can do for my friend. I keep saying to myself this is not my problem and that I'm emotionally detached, but still in the back of my mind I'm worried and tired.

@Sonnenschein2000

Ah I can see what you mean - it can be really frustrating when you don't know and what your therapist is doing is making you doubt things. That is confusing, yes. It sounds like it feels pressurising even though it may / may not be so / may be a grey area! How do you feel about talking about all of this with her? (no pressure to answer or think upon)

I'm sorry your friend is in an awful situation as such. You are trying to be there for her + feel like there's not much you can do besides that + have your own issues to deal with and are trying to detach yourself from stuff that is possible to, understandable how you still end up being worried and using your energy on that.

@theriverissinging

I think she's just trying to find a cause and a solution to my struggles and my past might be the first place she'd like to look for them, but I personally feel stressed when she makes me talk about my childhood, even if I don't want to admit it. I find it mentally hard and it makes me kind of numb, I'm scared of saying things that are not real or that I'm exaggeraring, and the only thing I really want is to stop thinking about my past, I just want to think about my future. Idk, maybe this is exactly where the problem is. I know for sure my chilhood was fine, yeah some things troubled me, but I feel like I overcame everything so I don't want to dig in my past again, but as I said maybe what is happening is that I wish I overcome it all but in truth I don't. I'll have to talk with her about this, I really want to, but It's difficult.

I'm tired, though last week was good, but I'm drained, and I feel guilty for it because I'm not actually being SO busy. I don't have a right to be this tired and in need of rest. I'm making a drama out of nothing. This morning I spent it at home, I needed some rest, I had a big urge to cry, so I tried crying when I was finally alone. I craved to be alone so much. It makes me mad at myself that I'm not even able to cry. And when I finally cry I end up being mad at myself anyway, because I am crying, or because I'm not crying enough, oor because I need time and hurtful music to cry, or it seems fake or whatever. I cry with force, even when just two tears come out and then nothing else, my eyes hurt, I squeeze them hard and I'm scared of hurting them. why crying is so difficult? I don't get relief from it sometimes, and this make me even more angry.

You see, if crying to me it's so difficult and full of contradictory emotions then that's why it's easier for me to vent by self-harming. it's far easier and faster, by it I get the illusion that it works. I get urges anyway. (though these weeks i'm not actively doing it!) After I cry I don't even know if I have really let out all my emotions, if it was useful, they don't go away with a good cry, they still stay there, so it feels pointless to spend enegy crying. I feel like I behave like a child if I cry and I want to be a serious adult.

And the thoughts like "your scars are so little, it's truly disappointing, you should harm yourself more seriuosly," still don't go away.

Sorry for my mistakes, I wrote a lot and fast.

take care of youself! i'm always thankful and grateful for your time and attention :3

@Sonnenschein2000

Hey, I get that. It can be deeply confusing. You think your therapist is trying to find a cause to "it all" in your childhood and it's very stressful, causing a lot of emotions or the lack of those to stir up. You don't want to really "look into it" and you really want to talk to her about it but it's hard, which is totally understandable. It sounds really exhausting. I hope you can receive some help from the therapist herself about it.

It makes sense that you are tired. The whole crying thing is relatable hehe. It's okay to feel like crying but not being able to / not feeling like crying and the process is too intense / it feels limiting or fake / consumes energy / anything else. It is valid. I can see that crying doesn't really feel like it works for you right now and self-harm is comparatively better to contemplate about / have urges (while no active self-harming). I find it good to know what doesn't work for you - now perhaps we can look in other places accordingly in case you'd like to of course. Anyway, it is really okay.

Thank you for sharing this with me, I know it can take up energy or you can be like doubting yourself about it.

Thank you! Here for you always.

@theriverissinging

Thank you. Yes it takes a lot of energy.

I really don't get how these urges works. I keep asking myself how was my life just some months ago? how was life without urges? did I felt them even before but I don't remember or never noticed? why they had to come? why?

I feel immature and childish for my behaviors. I feel immature and childish everytime I look at my scars. And I hate it. I hate me. It is a vicious cycle because if I'm angry at myself urges get bigger. Is it immature for a 20ish girl to sh? I cannot think it differently...

It gets me mad how much I thought I had overcame everything and now I'm experiencing this all. I sense that I'm moving forward, some weeks I feel far less stuck than before and it's a progress, still, urges are there even when I take steps forward. Urges are always present, even when I'm happy and busy and I don't act on them. Yesterday I bought a thing with the exact pupose to harm myself after seeing a post that gave me the idea (my fault, I know, I shouldn't have gone searching things related to sh), I didn't use it, but now that it is hidden in the drawer I find my myself thinking about it from time to time. I think about my act of going out and buying with no care at all something like that. How can it be? I feel like I'm faking it even more.

Also, I'm tired of being scared of my little sister finding out. I'm tired of being scared everytime I go to the bathroom and I'm tense because I'm scared she or someone else might open the door without warning, and when she does I have to scream to get her to leave me some privacy and she doesn't get why I'm being so secretive. I wish I could move out of my parents' house just to be free of this burden, though I don't know if living alone might be good and safe considering my urges.

And I still don't get why I have to be so angry at my father. He loves me. He believes in me. and I care for him too. I know this. Still, it hits me like a train how hurt I feel when I speak to him, I spit venom. I'm completely devoured by rage even if I want to let it go with all my heart. Maybe him being the object of my rage it's just a case, it could be anything or anyone else, I just need an object to hate. But I think that I lived it badly, I mean my subjective experience of my early life/adolescent life was bad. And this makes it all feel like it's my fault!! So I'm even more chilish and stupid! Because yes he is not perfect but he is good, then why I'm so excessively angry and hurt?

I cling to this hurt even if I want to let it go, it is easier maybe.

Okay sorry, this is A LOT of stuff, even too much, I understand. take your time to reply. and thank you as awalsy :3

@Sonnenschein2000

Hi!

I understand, it makes sense to question all the things you mentioned about urges and the impact it all had. You're coping with it the best you can, with the coping mechanisms you know and those which feel are working for you or just help you get through the moments. I can understand that it's quite hard when the urges are present everytime and they keep bugging. As you said, it's still progress and it's usually non-linear and a mess. It still doesn't solve things, yes. It sounds like it's so on your mind and it's just very hard to think of other things, and hiding sh complicates things further, along with taking care of stuff and yourself ~ it is really a lot. All of what you said about your relationship and feelings with your father make sense, they really do. Your subjective experiences are valid and so is your hurt, even if it isn't that "rational" or something.

It's okay and you can talk here about it as much as you'd like. I hope you don't mind how the way I listen. Lots of love always, you're valid. <3

@theriverissinging

I feel like it's my fault. It's my fault and my responsibility if I self-harm and if I don't stop. Because I don't want to stop. And if makes me feel even more stupid. It's my fault if I get too emotional, it's my fault, it's my fault.

Now I come back thinking perhaps I self-harm because other people around me struggle and maybe I'm trying to secretly compete with their pain without them knowing. What logic is this? It's so messed up and I don't even want to think this might be a reason!! Life is not a race and surely you don't win anything if you suffer more.

I feel like I should just snap out of it, I feel like it should be easy to have a better life and just stop thinking about self-harm!

And if it is not it's because it is my fault.

Whether I self-harm or I don't self-harm I feel bad anyway.

I have so many people around me who are going through far worse, who have real issues, and I should support them instead here I am, guilty, being annoying about my self-harm doing nothing to change anything.

@Sonnenschein2000

Ah I get this. All I can say is it's okay. "Whether I self-harm or I don't self-harm I feel bad anyway." So maybe it is okay to feel bad, not assuming that it's easy. Feelings aren't logical or rational and that's fine. I relate to the "secret competition" thing, I'm sure it isn't easy even if it is actually that. It may feel like you're stuck between getting better and getting worse and it's not going anywhere. I personally don't believe it's just a snapping out thing but my views aside, what is making you not "snap" out of it? If the question makes sense. I'm here for you and you are sincerely loved. <33

I'm on a partial break thingy so please allow slower responses in case ~ you're always welcome to talk though, promise, thank you!

Edit: I'll be putting my account on a self-care break which means my profile won't show up once I do that. I estimate it to be of around 2 months roughly but I can't be sure lol. I'm sorry for any inconvenience caused. Take care of yourself. <3

@Sonnenschein2000

Hey Sonne,

Everything you write here feels painfully familiar. I think in many ways self harm provides a visible satisfaction, a dopamine release, and some semblance of control. I know for me it often made me feel alive when I felt nothing at all. Also, the act of physically watching myself bleed and heal somehow reflected and soothed the way I felt about my mental health.

I think it’s important to remember you’re not alone, but also to realize there are other healthy ways to accomplish these outcomes.

I don’t pretend to have all the answers, although seeking out exercise, yoga, meditation, and spirituality has helped me garner the self love I never had to begin with. That self value and self understanding has lessened my self harm impulses, but like I said in a previous post, I don’t think they will ever go away completely. I’ve been struggling with this since I was 14. I am now 32 and I still feel the need to cover up my scars in a work or family environment. I still feel tempted to crack open that old familiar habit because it’s comforting, but I also have enough insight to know the disappointment and grief that comes the morning after.

Have you ever considered therapy? It helped me some, but not much. The ultimate answer was within myself, and learning how to live for others when I have not one iota of self preservation. I look forward to hearing from you.

-Blithe

@blitheSun94

Hey Blithe, thank you so much for your reply, I appreciate you.

I'm sorry to hear you still struggle, at the same time I'm incredibly proud of you and of all your progress, don't give up, you are amazing!

Yes, I started therapy two months ago, though I'm scared it might make me more hurt than before, I'm scared the therapist might want me to dig into a past that to me feels healed and with no need to be disrupted. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm just hiding all my pain, and if I want to grow instead I need to see what's under the carpet. I don't know, it's hard to have an answer. But I'm scared. Anyway, it was bad even before therapy so idk.

Thank you for all your suggestions. I'll try more healthy ways to cope, though as you know, sometimes s-h is always in the back of your mind and it's hard to surf the urges. I'm scared of staying stuck in this limbo. I'm scared a part of me wants to stay stuck while the other would like to be finally free. It's like Iife now is giving me a kickback after all the progress I thought I had achieved in these past years.

Thank you again for the kindness and the support, stay safe and take care of you :3

- Sonne

I’ve been clean 3.5 years and the urge has increased lately.

@Thebipolarchick

Thank you for sharing. I know how hard it is and I'm so sorry. I hope you'll find a community that will support you here, feel free to talk.

Please resist the urges, though I know it's like telling you not to do the one thing that your mind tells you you need to feel better, but please, reach out to someone and don't give up.

I believe in you.

Stay safe.

@Thebipolarchick I agree with chein! We're here for you. ❤️

@Sonnenschein2000 Hello! I am back. 😊 How have you been?

@theriverissinging

Hey! It's so nice having you back! I really hope you've had a good break and that you took care of yourself! How are you?

Honestly idk, I thought I was getting better, and I still think that for some stuff I'm in a better mental space than how I was back in august/septemper, but at the same time now I'm getting bad too.

@Sonnenschein2000

Aw I'm glad to be here and talking to you! And thanks, it was okay and I am too!

Ah, I feel you. Not a straight one. :/ It's weird to be in such a state I guess. Or perhaps it's like going somewhere but you can't figure out where exactly.